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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them. Michael Jackson was right...

You've been hit by, you've been stuck by, a smooth criminal.

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you, I have contacts

I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.


You should've got good advice.


Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.


Don't get the bad advice.


\----

I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

If a person can speak two languages they’re bilingual, if they can only speak one...

They’re from the US

A person goes for a job interview

The interviewer says: "your resume lists just a single employer?"

The person says: "yes, I was a switchman for the railroad. I got fired when I forgot to switch the tracks and two passenger trains collided."

The interviewer says: "OMG, you had *one* job!"

The person says: "yes, ...

What do you call a person who breaks saxophones?

What do you call a person who breaks saxophones?

A sax offender

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Why should you never have sex with a brtitish person?

They always say they'll pull out, but never do it.

There's only one type of person who never gets angry...

A nomad.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

What do you call an IT person who touches kids?

A pdffile
(or if you’re from my school mr Ambrose)

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What do you call a person who likes to sing while they poop?

Elton-on-the-John.

[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when h...

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

Some people say the Canadian prime minister does not like dressing up like a black person.

But it's Trudeau.

What’s it called when a ghost scares the wrong person?

A boo-boo

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What do you call a person who has daily appearances on TV yet, fucks up their job ~25% of the time and...still...manages...to...keep...it?

A weatherman.

They say you’re not the same person you were 5 seconds ago, nor will you be the same person 5 seconds from now. I beg to differ.

5 seconds ago, I was browsing Reddit. 5 seconds from now, I’ll still be browsing Reddit, but somehow 2 hours will have passed.

How does a crazy person find their way out of the woods?

They take the psycho path.

To the person at the office who stole my chair yet again

Whoever you are, Im not going to stand for this!

Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

Why do bartenders from Boston confiscate an intoxicated person's Khaki's at the end of the night?

So they can't drive home.

Person 1 : I used to think correlation implied causation. Then i took a statistics class. Now I don't

Person 2 : I think the class helped

Person 1 : maybe

What’s a French persons favourite gaming console?

A Nintendo Oui

I gave my seat up to a blind person on a bus

And that is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

What do you call a drunk person trying to unlock their car?

An Uber.

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I asked a little person walking to a moving van carrying a flatscreen and asked him if I could help him with his tv.

He said "fuck you man, this is my ipad!" What a jerk.

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

What do you call a Muslim person standing between two buildings?

Muhammad Alley

What do you call a person who always posts memes?

Depressed

I'm a delivery person for Kohler. I often spend hours a day on doorsteps and in lobbies waiting for people to accept their deliveries.

Let that sink in.

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how do you piss off a blind person

just tell em "ay you see that girl over there, I think she's looking at you"

Person 1 Asked Person 2 To Name A European Country

Person 1: Come on, you can name one!

Person 2: Norway.

Person 1: Are you serious?! You're not going to answer?

Person 2: There's Norway im telling you!

To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in.

I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word.

How does a blind person know when to stop wiping

***T A S T E***

Every naked person I see turns me on

Said the shower head.

Why was the person who wouldn't fall asleep jailed?

He was resisting a rest.

Why was the mushroom farmer a good person?

He had really good morels.

Did you know that when a short person waves at you...

It’s called a microwave

How do you say hi to a Chinese person?

Edit: "How do you say hi to a Chinese person at dinner?" makes more sense.

Ciao mein.

I'm going to lose a lot of karma now.

What do you call an emo person with cancer

Chemo

Did you know that Rick Astley is actually a very generous person and an extensive movie collector?

It's true! He'll actually let you have just about any movie in his collection, with only one exception: The Disney/Pixar movie "Up." This particular movie is a favorite of his and he keeps it on a shelf so high that you actually have to get a ladder and climb it just to reach the movie. Be carefu...

To the person who stole my presentation

I hope you do not Excel.

Who's the most prepared person on earth?

Justin Case

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, would you do it?

i wouldn't, why the frick would anyone ever kick himself in the nuts?

What do you call a trans person studying genetics?

Transcriptase

What do you call a little person who cannibalizes their own family?

A munch-kin.


That joke was stupid.

A person decided to buy a horse from a monk

So, he paid the priced and got very excited to ride it. "Hyah!" he said. But the horse didn’t move. So, he asks the monk,"Why won't the horse go?". The monk replied,"This horse is a religious horse. If you say ' Thank god', it will start moving. If you say ' All the praise be to god', it will stop.<...

For my senior quote, I’ll have a saying from a famous person

“Nah” - Rosa Parks, 1955

What did one organ say to the other when their person peed their pants?

You got to be kiddiney right now!!

People keep telling me that ancient statues of people are idealized to make the person look better.

I guess you could say their features are chiseled.

Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar and each person only order 1 drink.

The price of their drink is determined by the numerical order when entering. The first drink costs 1 dollar, the second costs 2 dollars and so on.
In the end, they decided to pay all together.

The waiter then paid them 8.(3) cents and they all left.

What do you call a blind person with a nose that is sensitive enough to smell drugs?

Happily employed.

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It must be really difficult for an OCD person to have sex

Every time their partner gets turned on, they turn them back off again.

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A depressed person’s life is like a box of chocolates...

It all turns to shit in the end.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

>!Nobody knows!<

To a colorblind person:

Do you see "Colorado" as just "ado"?

Quoting old vines counts as a personality, right?

I sure hope it does

I asked my wife if I was the only person she ever slept with...

She replied, “Yes, the other’s tend to keep me awake.”

If you ever rob a deaf person, be sure to break their hands.

Who're they gonna tell?

My friend and I made a bet, who can make the other person cry first using food.

While he went off to shop for onions, I got a coconut, and as he was pulling into the driveway from the grocery store, I threw it into him, smashing the window.

He lost the bet, a window, and a tooth.

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot, the parrot was rude and often sweared to get what it wanted. One day, the owner couldn’t take it anymore, and decided to put the parrot in the freezer. The parrot started squawking profanities, until it finally stopped. The owner, in fear, opened th...

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>What do you call a person who worships god? [Maybe offensive]

\>>A jew

\>what do you call a person who worships a jew?

\>>Christian

I followed an ugly person on Instagram to try to help raise their self esteem

but all it said was "Edit Profile".

I was at Disney World buying a drink when I accidentally backed up into a little person.

“I’m so sorry sir! I wasn’t paying attention and I should have been. Are you okay?” I say.

“I’m okay, but I’m not happy.” he says to me.

Confused, I reply, “Well that’s good, but which one are you?”

What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

During my wedding speech, I told everyone who is married to stand next to the one person that has made their life worth living.

The bartender was almost trampled to death.

I think I just found the oldest person alive...

I overheard a conversation of a man having a problem because his birth certificate is already expired.

If a person with no hands simultaneously insults and compliments you, is it still backhanded?

Naw, is being s-nubbed.

What does a depressed person do when they leave the toilet?

I don’t know, they just feel empty inside

(Courtesy of my ten-year-old cousin. He told me he made it up, what a legend)

who's the most evil muslim person that ever lived?

a guy named Muhahahahahamed, probably

Just learned the Catholic Church is okay with one person marrying two different people!

Priests do it all the time

Did you guys hear about the person who had his fruit basket stolen?

He was left peachless!!!

What is a mute person's favorite food?

A shushkebab.

How does a Jewish person make beer?

Hebrew

Michael Jackson had the most impressive birth to death story arc or any person.

He was born a poor black boy and died a rich white woman.

1 person in every 10 doesn't understand the binary number system.

The other guy is fine with it.

What did the really annoying, attention craving person say?

"This"

How many law enforcement officers does it take to throw a handcuffed person down concrete stairs?

None. They fell.

How does a dyslexic person spell “baldy”?

Badly.

What do you call a fat person with a crystal ball?

Four-chin teller

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

How do you describe a person's breath that smells like metal coins?

Minted fresh

What do you say to a camouflaged person in a wheelchair?

You can hide, but you can’t run!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

One person asks his friend: what’s the fastest way to get from one side of a railroad to the other?

One person asks his friend: what’s the fastest way to get from one side of a railroad to the other?

His friend replies: i don’t know, but whatever it is you’ll either beat the train or be dead wrong

I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."

"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."

He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

Tomorrow, I am finally fulfilling my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person, and I’ve no idea what I’ll do when I finally see it.

I think I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

A person gets stabbed every 30 minutes in London

Poor guy

What do you call the first person to put a fruit filled pastry on the side of their head?

A Pieonear

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A man moved into the city with his family and was having trouble getting some personal space to rub one out

Frustrated and on the brink he walked down to his car parked on the street

Attempting the deed in his car would be too visible to everyone around so he crawled underneath and started jerkin it

Eyes closed and confident he was finally enjoying some alone time when he heard someone walk ...

To the handicapped person who stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide, but you can't run!

As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus.

There's this guy who's been staying in one spot at the park for days without sitting or laying. People are calling him super amazing. I personally just think..

he's out standing.

If a person who reads lots of books is a bookworm, what do you call a person who listens to lots of tapes?

Old

What's a dyslexic person's favorite kind of beer?

A Large.

What do you call an epileptic person in a garden?

Seizure Salad

How do you call a cats personal space?

It's his own catmosphere

The person who stole my diary died recently

My thoughts are with his family

I always feel like I’m the smartest person in the room

I’m very lonely :(

Whenever I give my seat on the bus to an elderly person, they're as happy as a kid in a candy store...

I do the same in the men's bathroom and they hobble away as fast as they can.

A person asked me, "Are you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?"

I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".

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After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

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