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Person Jokes

To the person who hacked my account, I will find you

Edit: No you won't

Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

What's the difference between a homeless person and an art major?

About $4.32 in change.

Are we sure the first person to discover CPR...

Wasn't just a very surprised necrophiliac?

what do you get when you cross a Jewish person ?

Christianity

Me: “Double it and give it to the next person.”

Doctor: “I’m sorry, Sir, but that’s not how cancer works.”

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“A divorced dad, a Nazi, and a crazy person walk into a bar…”

The bartender looks up from polishing a glass and says “Oh, hi Kanye.”

My friend said that I make people uncomfortable by invading their personal space.

It was a very hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

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I got blackmailed by a person who claims to have nudes of me

Jokes on him, now I filmed myself, send him daily videos and ask for money to make me stop.

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What does a blind person say when washing a grater?

"That must be the stupidest shit I've ever read."

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What do you call a jerk German person?

A Deutschbag.

A Danish person will not be nostalgic about old Beatles songs.

But a Norwegian wood.

What do you call a person who graduated at the bottom of their class in medical school?

Doctor

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross

What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest?

A teacher

what do you call a person without a spine?

Dead.

Got diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder

DID not see that coming

Some people are dog people, some are cat people. I'm a people person.

Just ask the hitchhikers I keep in the kennel out back.

What do you call a poor person from the 1750s

Baroque

A person goes to doctor. He has pain in every part of his body

Doctor: when you touch your leg, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: when you touch your arm, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: when you touch your head, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: i think your finger is broken!

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

What’s an Islamic persons opinion of Muhammad?

They’re allah bout him

What do you call a person with no nose and no body ?

Nobody knows.

Who’s the most philosophical person?

Security guard


“Who are you?”

“What are you doing?”

“Where are you going”

I used to have a split personality

But I don't anymore, and neither do I

I had decided to be a different person and be productive

But the other person turned out to be unproductive too......

Before you marry a person,

you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

Why do you never insult a fat person?

They already have too much on their plate

Why couldn't the trans person learn coding?

They are non-binary!

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano.

*Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The*
*bartender replied that inside the closet there is a* genie *that will grant him a single wish.*


*The man* dashed *into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.*


*Wit...

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Walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer.

I said "ok, this isn't working out"

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My new girlfriend is a cat person...

.. her breath stinks of fish, she shits in a tray, and she disappears for days at a time

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A person goes to the grocery store…

They go to the produce section to look for broccoli. They find no broccoli so they ask a worker. The worker tells them they’re all out of broccoli.

They walk around a bit more and decide to ask again.

“Are you sure you’re out of broccoli? Maybe you have some in the back?”

The wo...

Why is it so hard to convict a mute person in court?

Its always your word against mime.

What do you call a person with a briefcase in a tree?

A branch manager

Did you know the Illuminati once bought pizza for every single person on the planet?

And if the rumours are true, they’re gonna do it again, it’s gonna be a new world order.

What are a Jamaican persons pronouns?

I and I

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What do you call a person who insists on saying “pissssssss” every time they urinate?

An onomatopee-er

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.

Cyan Aura.

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A young tourist sees an old Jewish person praying in Western Wall

They approach him and ask "how long have you been praying here?"
the old man folds his Talit and answer "every day since my Bar Mitzvah so about 40 years".
"so what do you pray for?" they asked.
"for solidarity between jews around the world" he continues " for peace between muslims and jews...

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

What did the person who was about to come out as non-binary say?

“I’m almost they’re”

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

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What do you call a person with a sexual attraction to bicycles?

A pedal-phile.

How do you end an argument with a deaf-mute person?

You turn off the lights.

To the person who stole my MS Office

I will find you, you have my word.

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

Mansa Musa, the richest man ever to live, was riding through Egypt with his giant retinue. As a show of generosity, he gave gold (of which he had much) to random passerby. One such person was a Frenchman named Ed.

Ed dit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder

But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

Was speaking to the person who is fixing my hearing aids

Heard nothing since then

How do you comfort a sad non binary person ?

They’re/Their

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

What’s an emo person’s favorite sport?

Jump rope.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

I will pay a person $5 000 a month to take care of my worries.

- How are you going to get the $5 000 a month to pay them?
- That is for them to worry about.

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I just saw a news article about an unidentified person found beaten, robbed, and naked in the park...

The unknown victim was described as being out-of-shape, small penis, and slight neck beard.

Anyway, just wanted to check in, worried about you guys. Let me know you're okay.

What does a person who only thinks about themselves do for a living?

Sell fish

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

I was in a lazy person contest

I won by default because my opponent didn’t even come.

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?

American

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

Everywhere else in the world, a 30 year old women disappearing is called a missing person's case

In Hollywood it's called dying by old age

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

A study conducted on representation of persons with disabilities found that

blind people were 100% less likely to see themselves represented in the media

What do you call a trans person from the Wild West?

Reverse cowgirl

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

Bass guitarist.

Apparently Elton John has a personal trainer for his rabbit…

It’s a little fit bunny

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high-school reunion...

And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober sinc...

i was in a 3 person band called "Three-play"

It was named "Four-play", but we had to get rid of the keyboard player. He kept messing up the intro by trying to enter too early.

So I read an article today that blew my mind from a math nerd/science person perspective.

Apparently factories are not making the 12 inch ruler any longer.

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If I could have sex with any person on the planet

I would

Ny wife and I are going on my dream trip to see the Golden Gate in person.

She asked me, “What would you do when you finally see it?”

Me: Let’s…cross that bridge when we get there.

When the person who mugs you only finds a dollar in your pocket

John is on his way home late at night when he's attacked by a mugger. After a great struggle, the mugger overcomes him, searches his pockets, but only finds a single dollar.

"What sort of guy puts up a fight like that for just a dollar?" says the mugger.

"I'm not that stupid," says Jo...

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

Ever since I worked on my extreme arrogance, I've become a better person.

Better than all of you together!

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The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

I don't like people who make "I didn't sleep last night" their entire personality

They are tiring to be around

I was going to donate blood today but they started asking way too many personal questions like...

“Whose blood is this?!"

“Where did you get it?!"

I always explain things so the stupidest person in the room can understand

But for some reason I always end up talking to myself.

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,,.

only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" ...

Girl:Don't you think it's funny how the person you're going to marry is on this earth as of right now?

Boy:Yeah, haha. That's weird.

Girl:Don't you ever wonder what they're doing?

Boy:Nope, I already know, she's texting me

Girl::Thats sweet of you.

Boy:But she just went to bed. So I'm talking to you

My wife just described me as the 2nd least inquisitive person she's ever met

"Fair enough." I said.

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

I’m a real dog person

I like to wear a collar and sh** on the street.

Who's the only person that can come between a cannibal and a meal?

An appetizer.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

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Wow, many people I meet work for the same person!

When I ask who they work for they tell me Ann Asshole.

Did you hear about the crazy person that that fell into the French river?

He was in Seine.
(Ignore the second that)

A little person told me to bang her

I told her I don’t get down like that.

I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person

All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist

Birthing Person

If the word 'mother' is replaced by the term 'birthing person', Samuel L. Jackson might as well retire

I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there, so I asked, “Okay, who are you?” She responded...

“I'm his spokes person."

This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art....

Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.


Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very...

What's the difference between a cult and a religion?

In a cult, there's always at least one person at the top who's completely crazy, or who knows it's all a scam...

In a religion, that guy's dead!

Before you judge a person you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way when you do judge them you're a mile away with their shoes.

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Who is the second most porn-addicted person in the world?

My FBI-Agent.




Pls send help

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

What does a fat American and a rich British person have in common?

They have alot of pounds

Novak Djokovic is the first person to be knocked out of the Australian Open.

He only missed two shots.

A guy goes into a library abd asks the person at the desk, "can you show me where the self-help books are?"

The librarian says, "no."

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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he sai...

How do you cuss someone out without saying a cuss word?

You are a total British person saying the word "can't."

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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."...

Are you a hoagie person?

Because you're subhuman.

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

Blind

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and ...

I'm a "morning" person.

Every morning when I wake up, I'm mourning the fact that I'm no longer sleeping.

People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.

For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.

This morning for breakfast, I made a Belgian waffle.

For lunch, I’m planning to make a Dutch person uncomfortable.

There are four people in an airplane.

They are as follows:

\- The pilot (Obviously)

\- The president of the USA

\- The world's smartest man

\- A student from a local school.



Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

"I don't want to alarm you, but there...

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Mick buys himself a Harley Davidson…

Before he rides off on it, the dealer tells him that if it rains he should put vaseline on all of the chrome parts to preserve the look.

Mick takes his girlfriend to her parents’ house for dinner on the Harley. When they arrive, his girlfriend says that they do not speak at the dinner table d...

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

A guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat, noticing that he's the only customer.

The only person around is a bartender, who is on his phone, and who waves to indicate he'll be with him as soon as he can.

The guy nods and waits patiently, but suddenly he hears a small voice say: "Nice shirt!" He looks around, but can't see anyone other than the bartender, who is still on ...

What is your least favorite type of race?

Me personally I don't like marathons

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

What does an old person turn into when bitten by Dracula?

A Grampire.

What do you call a person's tendency to discover drugs in unexpected places?

Potluck

What do you call a Portuguese person all by themself?

A Portugoose.

Scientists have demonstrated that nerves spread throughout the body are related to human personality.

For example, if a subjects arms are removed, that subject becomes much less likely to volunteer for science tests.

In every marriage, there’s one person who is always right…

…and the other person is the husband.

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The Barber (long)

A man was getting a haircut prior to taking a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would you want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty — and full of Italians! You’re crazy to go to Rome!

“So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” w...

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

what's a person with reddit premium called?

predditor

What's the difference between a racist and a woke person?

The racist knows they're racist.

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Person asked me what I did for a living. I told them I work in a pickle jarring factory. They said that’s weird.

I said what’s the big dill, that’s how I make my bread and butter

No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer

Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a joke I wrote... maybe it's dumb, but really fun to tell.

So, I went to the Home Depot today and stumbled upon this new device used in the emergency room to re-attach a man's private parts after an accident. And guess what? It's nothing but a staple gun! But, sometimes, they mess up and attach it to the wrong person, and I heard they had to invent ANOTHER ...

A single person is somebody who believes in

life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

What do you call a mentally deranged, carbon-free transportation enjoying person?

A cycle-path

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