The 133+ Best Person Jokes

To the person who hacked my account, I will find you

Edit: No you won't

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?

American

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If I could have sex with any person on the planet

I would

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

What do you call someone who gets turned on by every naked person they see ?

A showerhead

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

What do you call a poor person from the 1750s

Baroque

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes?

They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

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“A divorced dad, a Nazi, and a crazy person walk into a bar…”

The bartender looks up from polishing a glass and says “Oh, hi Kanye.”

As a 6.2 person alot of people wouldask "wow! Your tall! Do you play basketball?"

At some point I started to reply "wow... your short, do you play miniature golf?"

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.

Cyan Aura.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.

Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

what's a person with reddit premium called?

predditor

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

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What does a blind person say when washing a grater?

"That must be the stupidest shit I've ever read."

A woman, tired of being alone, posts a personal ad

In the ad, she says she's looking for a man who won't beat her, won't walk out on her, and can please her in bed.

A few days later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and is surprised to find a man on her doorstep with no arms or legs. "I'm here about the personal ad," the man says casual...

I used to date a woman who was a little person.

I was nuts over her!

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together..." "Why?" "Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"

"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

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The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sur...

My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder

But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

you're not the dumbest person I know.

But you better hope he doesn't die.

Are we sure the first person to discover CPR...

Wasn't just a very surprised necrophiliac?

Who is the laziest person in a Chinese restaurant?

Susan

A good joke to ask another person

person 1: What is the unit of measurement used to measure electricity

person 2: What?

person 1: Correct!

"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything.

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely!"

Yesterday I couldn’t make out if someone was waving at me, or the person behind me.

In other news, I just lost my job as a lifeguard.

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A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano.

*Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The*
*bartender replied that inside the closet there is a* genie *that will grant him a single wish.*

*The man* dashed *into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.*

*Wit...

One day an elderly rich person is summoned by the IRS.

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that yo...

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Who is the second most porn-addicted person in the world?

My FBI-Agent.

Pls send help

"If you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room"

I don't want to brag, but I'm never in the wrong room.

How do you comfort a sad non binary person ?

They’re/Their

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

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What do you call a person with a sexual attraction to bicycles?

A pedal-phile.

What do you call a person without a son?

Per

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when h...

My wife just described me as the 2nd least inquisitive person she's ever met

"Fair enough." I said.

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

What do you call smart person in America?

A tourist.

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

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I got blackmailed by a person who claims to have nudes of me

Jokes on him, now I filmed myself, send him daily videos and ask for money to make me stop.

"I have a split personality."

...said Tom, being frank.

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What do you call a jerk German person?

A Deutschbag.

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?

I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.

What do you get when you cross a Jewish person?

Christianity

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

Person 1 says: I like Eminem

Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles.
Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper.
Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?

I read earlier that the person who is most likely to kill you, is yourself

But not if I kill him first

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.

When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.

What does a French person call marijuana?

Oui'd

A physicist sees a person on the top of a very tall building.

"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

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An average person has sex 300 times a year.

The next 10 days are gonna be sick.

What’s the worst way to dump a blind person?

“I think we should see other people…”

I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there, so I asked, “Okay, who are you?” She responded...

“I'm his spokes person."

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I asked the person at the bookstore if they have that new book for men who have a very small penis. She said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet".

I said, "Yeah, that's the one."

I don't think I'm strong enough anymore for my job as a personal trainer

So I guess I'll hand in my too weak notice

What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

What’s an Indian person’s favorite type of book?

Naan-fiction.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it.

My last girlfriend had 10 personalities and one day she just left me...

for 9 other guys.

What is the one type of person that will never get angry?

A nomad.

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?

I’ve won, but at what cost?

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If a person overdoeses on Viagra

Do they die hard?

I would like to tell the person who stole my place in the queue

I’m after you now!

What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest?

A teacher

This is a really dumb joke but here it is. What do you call a person with no body and no nose

Nobody knows

Yeah this a really dumb joke plus I'm not that funny IK

What is the most common question that a person holding a PhD in Philosophy asks other people?

"Do you want fries with that?"

Why couldn't the trans person learn coding?

They are non-binary!

Apparently Elton John has a personal trainer for his rabbit…

It’s a little fit bunny

Me: “Double it and give it to the next person.”

Doctor: “I’m sorry, Sir, but that’s not how cancer works.”

What did the person who was about to come out as non-binary say?

“I’m almost they’re”

Who is this Amber person…

and why does she keep texting everybody about my cars?

A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...

...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

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This will be my first Halloween as a single person in over 12 years.

I think I’ll dress up as Southwest Airlines and fuck a bunch of people.

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar

And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

What do you call it when a French person goes to the gym?

ResistOnce training

The World's Oldest Person is a very competitive title...

They never seem to keep it for very long.

What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?

Phil Ming

I have never met a little person that is egotistical.

They are all pretty down to earth.

What's the difference between a homeless person and an art major?

About $4.32 in change.

When is the only time its okay to punch a little person?

If they tell you "your hair smells nice".

My wife and I are going to San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.

Her: What will you do when you finally see it?

Me: Let’s….cross that bridge when we get there.

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A young tourist sees an old Jewish person praying in Western Wall

They approach him and ask "how long have you been praying here?"
the old man folds his Talit and answer "every day since my Bar Mitzvah so about 40 years".
"so what do you pray for?" they asked.
"for solidarity between jews around the world" he continues " for peace between muslims and jews...

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.

Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

What's the difference between a compulsive person and a fat person?

One has OCD and the other has OBCD

A person goes to doctor. He has pain in every part of his body

Doctor: when you touch your leg, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: when you touch your arm, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: when you touch your head, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: i think your finger is broken!

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[This one is better if you can act it out in person] A guy walks into a bar...

...sits down at the bar, gets a drink, and then begins poking at the palm of his hand before holding it to the side of his face and having a conversation with...apparently no one...for several minutes.

The bartender's weirded out by this, so he approaches the man as soon as his 'episode' is o...

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

What do you call a person who graduated at the bottom of their class in medical school?

Doctor

What does a person with diarrhea and an electric car owner have in common?

They both hope will make it home

What do you call a person who is willing but hasn’t yet tried Indian food?

Curry-ious

What do you call a person obsessed with the powerhouse of the cell?

Mitochondriac

Before you marry a person,

you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

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