To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my word!

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.

I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

To the person who lost their iPhone 11...

Please stop calling my new phone.

It’s almost that time of year when the fat beardy person comes round to give all the kids their Christmas presents....

Man I hate it when the mother-in-law is in town.

There was a plane crash and every single person died

All the married couples survived

What do you call the person who finishes last in medical school?

Doctor.

[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

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The most nervous person in the world

Is Gordon Ramsey's wife before he eats her pussy

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What do you call the person who steals from black people?

Robbin Hood

The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

What's a nervous person's favorite drink?

Insecuri tea

As a British person, I have a question about the states of America...

Wyoming?

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The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

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The average person has sex 54 times a year

I’m sure in for a wild December

A Person walks into a bookstore and says "Can I have a book by Shakespeare?" The bookkeeper replies, "Of Course sir, which one?"

William.

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What do you call a person who proof read Hitler's speeches?

A grammar Nazi

What is the most useless thing you can give to a homeless person?

A postcard that says "I wish you were here"

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how do you piss off a blind person

just tell em "ay you see that girl over there, I think she's looking at you"

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them. Michael Jackson was right...

You've been hit by, you've been stuck by, a smooth criminal.

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"

Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"

I wonder if the first person to pop popcorn suddenly had the urge to...

watch a movie.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "...

I decided to chat up the person next to me at the sperm bank yesterday.

I said, "Do you come here often?"

A vegan, a person on a gluten-free diet, and a person who does Crossfit walk I to a bar.

I only know about that because none of them would shut up about it.

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

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Why couldn't the physicist couple find a third person to join them in doin' butt stuff?

Because there's no analytic solution to the three body problem.

I asked a person giving elephant circumcisions if they liked their job...

They said, "The pay isn't great, but the tips are big."

If a person can speak two languages they’re bilingual, if they can only speak one...

They’re from the US

What do you call a person with a house, and a retirement plan, that really isn't that bad?

An ok boomer

What do you call it when a British person takes a really good look at something?

A propaganda

The unluckiest person did actually find the fountain of immortality.

Unfortunately, he drowned.

Many Christians believe that the person who crucified Jesus made a very bad move.

I don't know, 'cos I think he nailed it.

What do you call a loud person from Chicago?

Illinoisey

How do you get a fat person to sleep with you?

Piece of cake

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What do you call a Japanese person in a Nazi Death Camp?

Steamed Rice

Some people struggle with depression. Personally I find depression pretty easy.

It's joy that I struggle with.

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What do you call a cocky Chinese person transporting drugs abroad?

Smug Lin.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

What is the worst thing you can say to a cross-eyed person?

You have one week to live.

What’s a selfish person’s favourite musical note?

Mi

What's the most annoying type of person?

One who answers their own questions

Never make fun of a person who stammers...

Because they'll get their revenge... eventually.

What kinda person doesn’t like pizza?

A weirdough.

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

What do you call a Fat person marrying your daughter?

Your future ton in law

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when h...

There's only one type of person who never gets angry...

A nomad.

What’s a depressed persons favorite drink?

A Depresspespresso.

Just kidding it’s Cyanide

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"

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Why should you never have sex with a brtitish person?

They always say they'll pull out, but never do it.

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I answered a knock at my door and it was a person telling I needed to be saved or I would burn. I told him to fuck off and closed my door.

Stupid fireman.

A person goes for a job interview

The interviewer says: "your resume lists just a single employer?"

The person says: "yes, I was a switchman for the railroad. I got fired when I forgot to switch the tracks and two passenger trains collided."

The interviewer says: "OMG, you had *one* job!"

The person says: "yes, ...

What is an Asian persons drug of choice?

Mathamphetamine

I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.


You should've got good advice.


Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.


Don't get the bad advice.


\----

I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

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Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

A person needs to write a letter, but when he picks up an instrument to write with, he realizes

He can’t write with a guitar

What do you call a person who breaks saxophones?

What do you call a person who breaks saxophones?

A sax offender

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A person at our local hospital was born with no eyelids...

So when they circumcised him they used the skin and grafted it in as eyelids.The only problem is he might come out a little cockeyed.

Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me!

I answered: You won't...

Person 1: Knock knock

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: Britney Spears

Person 2: Britney Spears who?

Person 1: Knock knock

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: Oops I did it again!

Person 1: What do you call a fridge without a 'D'?

Person 2: Refrigerator

Person 1: No, Female.

All my friends say that I’m the cheapest person they’ve ever met,

Well I’m not buying it

What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?

First person shooter

What do you call a person who eats a donut and a donut hole at the same time?

Fat.

What do you call a person with no arms or legs, that is scared?

A chicken nugget.

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What's the difference between an outdoor cleaning machine and a person who likes to give oral sex to Canadian men?

There isn't one. They're both leafblowers.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing how they divide the collection funds between Gods work and personal use.

The priest says “I draw a circle in the center of the room, take the money and throw it into the air and what falls in the circle goes to God and the rest I keep”.

The minister says “I use a similar system but I draw a line down the center of the room and what is on the left God gets and the ...

Personally, I don't believe in hoes before bros or bros before hoes.

There must be balance you see. A homie-hoe-stasis if you will

To the person at the office who stole my chair yet again

Whoever you are, Im not going to stand for this!

What do you call an IT person who touches kids?

A pdffile
(or if you’re from my school mr Ambrose)

Some people say the Canadian prime minister does not like dressing up like a black person.

But it's Trudeau.

How does a crazy person find their way out of the woods?

They take the psycho path.

A frog goes into a bank for sizable a personal loan.

He finds himself at the desk of a man with a name plate that reads "J. Paddywack: Sr. Loan Officer"

Paddywack says, "This is quite an amount you're asking for Mr..."

"Richards," the frog says, "My dad, Keith, said you'd be able to help me."

"Um...yes. Do you have any collateral?...

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What do you call a person who likes to sing while they poop?

Elton-on-the-John.

How does a blind driver know he's hit a person?

He feels the bumps.

Short Person

Me: *Sees a short Friend * "What have u been upto lil guy?"

Person: "F*** You, A**hole ... don't call me little"

Me: "Someones seems a lil upset"

... *He didn't get the jokes* :(

I ended up quitting my job cause they promoted a little person to supervisor.

I just got sick of the micro managing.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

What’s a French persons favourite gaming console?

A Nintendo Oui

They say you’re not the same person you were 5 seconds ago, nor will you be the same person 5 seconds from now. I beg to differ.

5 seconds ago, I was browsing Reddit. 5 seconds from now, I’ll still be browsing Reddit, but somehow 2 hours will have passed.

Whats an amish person's favorite kind of raisin?

A barn raisin.

I gave my seat up to a blind person on a bus

And that is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

What did the person who invented the zero say before telling the world about it?

Well, here goes nothing!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who has daily appearances on TV yet, fucks up their job ~25% of the time and...still...manages...to...keep...it?

A weatherman.

Every naked person I see turns me on

Said the shower head.

I have split personality disorder

Really? Me too!

Why do bartenders from Boston confiscate an intoxicated person's Khaki's at the end of the night?

So they can't drive home.

What’s it called when a ghost scares the wrong person?

A boo-boo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to sincerely thank everyone on Reddit for helping me deal with my sarcastic personality disorder

Fuck you

What do you call a drunk person trying to unlock their car?

An Uber.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a little person walking to a moving van carrying a flatscreen and asked him if I could help him with his tv.

He said "fuck you man, this is my ipad!" What a jerk.

What do you call a person who always posts memes?

Depressed

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

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Person 1 : I used to think correlation implied causation. Then i took a statistics class. Now I don't

Person 2 : I think the class helped

Person 1 : maybe

How many sneezes does a person experience in a day?

A-Few!

To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in.

I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a female ghost in person if her boobs are natural

"No," she said. "It's supernatural, you perv."

Have you heard about the deaths of a newborn, the elderly couple, and the mentally disabled person due to an elevator accident?

It's wrong on so many levels.

How is it that I'm the ugliest person here?

I'm home alone for christ's sake.

To the person who stole my presentation

I hope you do not Excel.

How do you say hi to a Chinese person?

Edit: "How do you say hi to a Chinese person at dinner?" makes more sense.

Ciao mein.

I'm going to lose a lot of karma now.

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We've all encountered a butterface, but have you ever encountered a butterfingers? Beautiful face, smokin' body, amazing personality. Everything is great, but her...

Catching ability.

What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.

In a religion that person is dead.

Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

Who's the most prepared person on earth?

Justin Case

A person decided to buy a horse from a monk

So, he paid the priced and got very excited to ride it. "Hyah!" he said. But the horse didn’t move. So, he asks the monk,"Why won't the horse go?". The monk replied,"This horse is a religious horse. If you say ' Thank god', it will start moving. If you say ' All the praise be to god', it will stop.<...

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