[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Every naked person I see turns me on

Said the shower head.

Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

1 person in every 10 doesn't understand the binary number system.

The other guy is fine with it.

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

Are you a horrible person?

Just date a color blind person.

***They will never see your true colors.***

who's the most evil muslim person that ever lived?

a guy named Muhahahahahamed, probably

The person who invented the door knock

won the No-bell prize.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

A person asked me, "Are you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?"

I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".

To the Person who stole my glasses.

I will find you.

I have contacts...

Person 1: What came first the chicken or the egg?

Person 2: I'm pretty sure the rooster came first.

Who was the most basic person to ever play the game of baseball?

Al Kaline

Thought of this this morning. Pretty sure it's OC.

I went to the liquor store and the sales person asked if I needed help

I said: "Yeah but I came here instead"

What is a trans person's favorite Brittany Spears song?

"I'm not a boy, not yet a woman"

What do you call a fat person with a crystal ball?

Four-chin teller

To the person who stole my antidepressants

I hope you are happy now.

How many cops does it take to throw a person down the stairs?

None. They fell.

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what do you call a pansexual person named nick who works at a disc company?

Pan nick at the disc co

What do you say to a camouflaged person in a wheelchair?

You can hide, but you can’t run!

Laughter is meant to be shared, so if you can make just 1 person laugh

you're not very funny

What is the most frustrating thing for a person to be?

A mute vegan.

A woman walks into a coffee shop and sees a person with a tiny man a tiny piano and a tiny stool

The woman asks the man where did you get that, and the man replys saying that there is a genie out back. The woman decides to check for the genie, while she's walking to the back she's thinking about what she will wish for and decides she will wish for 100 bucks. When she gets to the back she wishes...

What activity can reduce a person's chance of dying of cancer by 16.6%?

Russian Roulette.

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Who’s the horniest person in town?

The butcher; he’s always beating his meat

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What do you call it when a person has a boner in Minecraft?


How do you get a holy person?

Beat the hell out of them.

Do you wanna hear a joke that'll kill every unvaxxed person?

Actually nahhh, it's a bit rusty and I wanna nail it first

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How does a blind person know when they're finished wiping their butt?

I don't know. They can't see shit.

What do you call a french person wearing sandals

Philippe Philoppe

What do you call a person who loves crocodiles?

A crocophile.

Came up with that one while at the science museum, wife gave a groin and shook her head.

It’s really tough being a color blind person from Colorado

The only thing I see is “ado”

Who is the coolest person in the hospital?

The ultrasound guy

So I saw three guys beating up a homeless person for stepping on their shoes so I went to go help.

That hobo didn’t stand a chance against us 4.

A person who speaks 3 languages is called a trilingual, a person who speaks 2 languages is called a bilingual, but what is a person called when they speak only one language?

An American.

The Markaveich principle is that the person an idea is named after is not the first to discover it.

This was first thought of by Markaveich in 1842

If a woman dies while cooking, the person who finds her will have a hot meal waiting for them

Them will also have what she was cooking.

What do you call a short person on a roundabout?

A Midget Spinner.

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means that their owner has fallen and is in need of help

Follow the dog, and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

My therapist: do you think you’re a negative person?

Me: no, not negative, no.

My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.

Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.

You may be a really good person deep down inside

But I dont carry a shovel

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A Japanese person, a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were aboard a flight when it started to crash

“The plane is too heavy, we have to lighten the load!“ the pilot exclaims. The Japanese person looks at her baggage full of computers and electronics, and drops it out of the plane. “Its ok, we have plenty of these in my country” she says.

The Canadian person follows suit and empties his lug...

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What do you call an evil person?

Steve. Fuck you Steve I hope you die.

What do you call a person who is 6’ 10” tall, 300 lbs and goes both ways?

Bi and large

"If you were offered $50K for free but to accept the offer, the person you hate the most will receive $100K, would you do it?"

"Sure I would. Why would I decline $150K?"

What do you call a shy person with a hammer?


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Why is it so hard breaking up with a Japanese person?

You have to drop the bomb twice for them to understand.

What do you call a person without a body or a nose?

Nobody knows.

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What do you call a rich Japanese person?

A milli-YEN-aire.

Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person.

maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.

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How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?

Just enough to get Bi

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It’s said the person you love should complete you. If you’re an introvert, they’re an extrovert. If they’re responsible, you’re carefree. If they’re a night owl, you’re an early bird.

As a dude with no ass I can get down with this.

What do you call a cynical person who’s drunk on gin and tonic?


I have this instinct to murder the most beautiful person in the world and I want to give into it.

But I also don’t want to commit suicide.

I gave money to a homeless person today!

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

What do you call a Mexican person drowning in Mayonnaise

Cinco de Mayo

An Asian person visits a therapist.

A "I feel like I have 100 problems"

T "Really? What do you think the root of your problems is"

A "10"

So, I asked out a really fine lady who was WAY out of my league, she says, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last person on Earth...”

“Well, DUHHHH, you’d be dead.”

How many Potatos does it take to kill an Irish Person?


What’s a colorblind person’s favorite state?


What do you call a person from NY that is having a seizure ?

A harlem shake.

How do you find a blind person at a nude beach?

It's not hard.

I would be the most ignorant person you have ever met

And I would never know about it

What do you call a person who sprays deodorant at people and chokes them?

An axe murderer

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What does a British person say when they stub their toe?


What is it called when a man kills an Asian person with food?

Chinese Takeout

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What did the Japanese person say when the Mexican asked to borrow his umbrella?

Mi kasa es tu kasa

What do you call a person who jumps off a bridge in paris?

In seine

How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

They take the psychopath.

When the person who invented the USB drive dies...

They’ll lower his coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.

Why couldn’t the person lift the salt rock?

It was sodium heavy

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What do you call a Spanish person who masturbates

A cumquistador

A Canadian accidentally bumped into a hard of hearing person.

Legend has it that they're still saying sorry to each other.

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What do you call a black person who flies an airplane?


To the person who hacked into my reddit account...

I will find you, and I will kill you.

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

What do you call a person who is both an analyst and a therapist?

Analrapist (this is probably a repost)

What do you call a person angrily waiting in a hospital...


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What do you call the person who sleeps on the wet spot after sex?


You should never make fun of a a fat person with a lisp.

They’re probably thick and tired of it.

What does an ill person with a lisp and someone with generous thighs have in common?

They’re thick

This joke has to be told to someone in person

This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says “I’m the one driving not you”.

The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says “I’m the one c...

What do you tell a person who wants to take a short nap?

"bon nap petit"

What do you call a person who kills cereal?

Mentally ill.

What do you call a person crossing a road in broad daylight, dressed as a clown carrying John Wick's dog?

Anything you want, cos if he's carrying John Wick's dog, he hasn't got much time to live.

How can you tell if a person doesn’t care about Endgame?

Don’t worry, they’ll make sure you know.

I tell my students math is like really ugly person

You must truly love it, in order to enjoy doing it.

Never greet a person named Jack on the airplane.

Hi Jack!

What do a subway perv and the person they're staring at having in common?

Theyre both thinking "I really want to get off right now"

What did they call the first person to cure HIV

First aids

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms ...

After a person dies, what part of their body is the last to stop working?

Their eyes. They dilate.

For a person with a stammer,

Every day is D-Day.

"I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish."

"What is my wish?" you ask?

"That somebody would give me two million dollars."

Whats an anti-vax persons favorite game?

Marco Polio

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a...

What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin?

Hey can I have my nickelback?

A person with an engineering degree asks...

...how things work.

A person with a psychology degree asks why things work.

A person with an art degree asks, "would you like fries with that?"

What do you call a small person in Thailand?


What do you call a person that has been stabbed three times?

An ambulance

Why did the Anti vax person avoid college parties?

There were way too many shots going around.

How do you know a person from Chernobyl is happy?

They wag their tail.

What do you call a person who falls for something over and over again?


We're no strangers to love

You know the rules and so do I

A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling

Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna...

An overachiever, regular person, and a person who does the bare minimum walk into a bar.

Or rather, the overachiever walks under the bar, the regular guy walks into the bar, and the slacker trips on the bar.

There was a car accident involving a funeral procession, yesterday. One person dead.

Luckily it was a fender-bender and no one was hurt.

To the person who made auto correct

Restaurant in piece

If you nut on a dead person

Are you ghost busting?

My girlfriend is a brave girl, a creative person and a beautiful soul.

But I was dumped because they met.

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If you ever get into an argument and you feel as if the person may use violence, the best thing to do is call the Police.

When the officer arrives, knock him out, take his gun and show that bitch who he's fucking with.

What do you call a person who looks after cows?

It's not shepherd, it's coward

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What does a person study to design sex toys?

Graphic design.

NB: This is the first joke I ever come up with

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The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is going to be one hell of a week.

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If a person whose height is less than 5'10 has an orgasm

It's a shortcoming

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