The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

To the person who hacked into my reddit account...

I will find you, and I will kill you.

Warning to the person who stole my glasses.

I have contacts!

If you could kill one person in history who would you kill?

Myself, I’d target the person who killed Hitler.

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

There was a plane crash. Every single person died. Who survived?

The married couples!

What’s a blind person’s favorite type of joke?

Dark.

If an old person looks through their Facebook timeline

You could say that the Elder Scrolls

Dear Optimistic and pessimistic persons,

While you were arguing weather the glass was half full or half empty, I drank it.

Yours truly:
The Opportunist.

Three guys are at the bottom of God's 100 steps stairs. He tells them that he will say a joke at every step: if someone laughs, this person goes to hell; if someone gets to the top, he goes to heaven.

The first guy laughs at the 10th step, he goes to hell

The second guy loses at the 51st step, he goes to hell

The last guy starts laughing at the 99th step, before God even said the joke, so God asks him why he laughs and the guy answers:I just understood the first joke.

The first Person to drop a Nokia made a discovery-

A groundbreaking one

the person who invented knock knock jokes ...

deserves a Nobel prize

Why didn't the cannibal eat the wheelchaired person?

They don't eat vegetables.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Am I a bad person?

Tried to have one last fling with this girl I really liked. Everyone of my friends criticized me for doing so and made me feel like shit and I really don’t know what was so wrong.

Everyone else at her funeral was pissed at me and told me to leave. Can somebody help me out?

It must be hard dating online as an elderly person

You can’t be sure if you got ghosted or if they just died

What does a blind person dip their chips in?

Glaucomole

To the person that stole all my anti-depressants...

I hope you’re happy now!

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it.

Inside every fat person theres a thin person trying to get out.

but outside every fat person theres a pizza waiting to get in.

What kind of car does an Icelandic person drive?

A Fjord

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

What do you call a person who likes ceilings?

A ceiling fan

A dyslexic person peeing his pants would spell certain doom.

His urination spells his ruination.

People say that there is always one wierd person on the bus, but I don't get it.

I travel by bus everyday and I never see any wierd people. Everyone looks normal. It doesn't matter how long I stare at them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I generally consider myself a modest and humble person.

It's what makes me so fucking awesome.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when a bisexual person shoots down flirtations from both men and women?

A double bi-pass!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is going to be one hell of a week.

My wife and I are finally planning a trip to San Francisco for my life long dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.

She said, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”

I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person...

Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.

What is it called when a person in a coma is surrounded by flowers?

A vegetable garden

Whats the good side of dating a homeless person?

You can drop them anywhere

To the person that stole my copy of Microsoft Office:

I will find you. You have my Word.

I used to be a people person....

but then PEOPLE RUINED IT!

For every person there are 200 million insects

"Your honor, I just got rid of a few billion insects."

Im pretty sure a deaf person has a crush on me

Shes giving me all the right signs

French person: Do you do sports?

Me: Wii

As a handicapped person, I’ll always defend my parking spot

The time I’ve let other people run over me is past

What do you call it when a 4 foot person goes on a merry go round?

A midget spinner

What do you call a person who discriminates against cult members?

A cultist

To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

What do you call an LGBTQ person who doesn’t take action?

A Bi-stander.

A depressed person and a happy person walk into a hardware store, how can you tell the two apart?

The depressed one goes straight for the ropes while the happy one follows them with a camera and is wearing a green hat with three eyes on it.

I knew a scientist who was obsessed with figuring out to clone a person. One day he figured it out. He was so excited.

He was beside himself.

What’s so scary about a white person in prison

You know he did it

This ain’t mine btw I got it from youtube

A person invented a new computer and called his friend to check it out...

Person:- this computer can think like a human

Friend :- how?

Person :- whenever it does something wrong, he blames it on other computers.

When I was young, I always thought the feet were the first part of a person to go to heaven

First, because they're called the "souls" of your feet. Second, I once walked into my parents' bedroom and saw my dad holding my mom down on the bed. Her feet were in the air and she was screaming "Oh God I'm coming!"

What do you call a person who falls for a tech support scam?

An Indian giver.

In London, at a hotel, the American guest asks the person at the desk:

“Where is the elevator?”




“Oh, you mean the lift, sir?”




“No, I meant the elevator because we, the Americans, invented it!”




“Indeed, sir, indeed, but we, the British, invented the language!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife recently asked me: "Hypothetically speaking, if you could have sex with any person in the world, whether real or fictional, who would you choose?"

Apparently, 'Karen' was not the right answer.

A person is taking guitar lessons

and he's getting upset that he isn't learning as quickly as he'd like to. So he tells the instructor this and the instructor says, "You'll get the hang of it eventually. Don't fret."

Dad: Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only an idiot is always 100% sure about everything.

Son: Dad, are you sure?

Dad: Absolutely.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new y...

What do you call a black person who flys a plane?

A pilot you racist

Why should you never give an obese person a hard time?

They already have enough on their plate.

The Avengers: Endgame trailer has 14 million views from just one person

Dr. Strange

What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

Person A: hey, does your dad like sports?

Person b: no, my dad hates sports

Dad: hey sport

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I’m in for a wild December.

Person 1: The best way to end an argument is to say “you’re right”.

Person 2: What do you mean, that’s never going to work.

Person 1: You’re right...

A strange man told me that he would give me 1 million dollars, but the person I loathed most in the world would get 1 billion dollars. He asked if I would accept?

"Easy," I replied, "Of course I'll take it."


"I'm just not sure what I'm going to do with 1.001 billion dollars"

What does a homeless person do when using a PC for the first time?

He searches through the trash bin.

A Finnish, Swedish and a Norwegian person takes a contest who can stay in a cave with bear the longest

The Swedish person goes in first, stays in for 10 seconds, screams and comes running out. Same fate for the Norwegian. When the Finnish person goes in, they hear a scream and the bear comes running out.

Where can you find an ugly person cutting themselves?

Your shaving mirror.

What's the most awkward place to run into a homeless person?

On your way to the Coinstar... "ehh, no i don't have any spare change, I was just on my way to turn this into real money"

An Irish person wants to find something in the dark

He takes his pack of matches, lights them up one by one, looking for something on the floor.

His friend walks in and asks “what are you looking for?”

The Irish person responds “I think I dropped a match”.

What's did the skeleton say to the person driving away in their car?

That's ma-ca-bre!

Did you hear about the person that lost all his left side?

He's all right now

What do you call a Jewish person with a sour stomach?

an Acidic Jew

My opiate addicted friend made claims that he is the "dumbest smart person you'll meet"

He's a real oxy moron

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the gang of furries who savagely beat a homeless person?

Fucking animals.

A friend of mine is hard working person and last month he was fired from his job because he slept with one of his patient

He was a nice guy and a brilliant Vet

One day an elderly rich person is summoned by the IRS.

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that yo...

Post Malone and his family went out for dinner, while his sister was the only person left in the house. When they came back, they found out the neighbours had started referring to her as a promiscuous woman.

After all, she was Ho Malone.

My friends always tell me I'm a real people person...

But my psychiatrist prefers the term 'multiple personality disorder.'

A blind person is touching sandpaper and ask...

who wrote this nonsense?

Who's the one person Medusa cannot turn to stone?

Dwayne Johnson

Did you hear about the cannibal who could only ever finish half a person?

He was leg/toes intolerant!

A person in the interrogation room will not speak without his attorney present.

Officer: Sir, y*ou're* the lawyer, don't you know?

Lawyer: Yes, but where's my present?

What do you call it when a fat person gets an abortion?

Lifosuction

My great grandfather is a really spiritual person

He’s dead.

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disable person cross a river that grants you one wish.

Blind guy: "My wish is to able to see again"

He crosses the river and he is able to see again.

Deaf guy: "I wish to get my hearing back"

His wish is granted as he crosses the river.

The disabled guy sees that the previous two wishes were granted and rushes in the river in...

What does a person obsessed with IKEA suffer from?

Stock-home Syndrome

What is the first thing a depressed person does when they wake up?

Their mourning routine. :-(

I noticed that I am quite a mature person, ever since I stopped making indirect comments about others.

Unlike some others that I know.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a person overdoeses on Viagra

Do they die hard?

What do you call a rich Chinese person

Ka Ching!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the cleavage of a person who had a boob job?

Silicone valley

What's the difference between a well dressed person on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed individual on a unicycle?

Attire

Some people are dog people, some are cat people. I'm a people person.

Just ask the hitchhikers I keep in the kennel out back.

What does a person with Alzheimer's say when they order a coffee?

I'm sorry, who are you again?

What's a rich person's favorite kind of milk?

The 1%.

What’s the lightest a person can weigh

A skele-ton

I never go camping with only one other person

It's just two in tents.

I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

What do you call a short person waving at you?

A microwave.

Who is always the first person to show up?

Earl Lee

What do you say when you catch the person who stole your tricycle?

Wheel wheel wheel...

Bus drivers are the rudest persons on Earth.

They never give up their seats for elderly or disabled people.

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

3 persons are kidnapped on an island

they are tasked to take 100 pieces of fruit of their choice on the island

the first takes 100 oranges, the second takes 100 grapes, the third continues the search

the kidnappers tells them " shove them all up your ass. and if any of you talk, you will be executed "

they begin th...

What instrument does a self absorbed person play?

Mekulele

Point to something and tell the person next to you "Oh no, that's cracking."

Hopefully they say "What's cracking? and then you can hit them with "Not much, what's cracking with you?!?"

If a person speaks 3 languages, they're trilingual. If they speak 2 languages, they're bilingual. What if they speak 1 language?

They're american.

Why yes I’m also a member of PETA and an animal rights person

Yup I’m a Preferred Eater of Tasty Animals and all animals have a right to be served on my plate.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Isn't it eerie how you can be thinking of a certain person and they just show up out of nowhere?

Anyway, your mother just walked in on me masturbating.

A crazy person in the woods.

How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

They take the psychopath.

Do you ever wake up kissing the person next to you just thankful to be alive?

Apparently I do and I'm now banned from flying.