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Person Jokes

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?

American

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*

To the person who hacked my account

I will find you, and I will kill you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I could have sex with any person on the planet

I would

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

Before you marry a person,

you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

What do you call someone who gets turned on by every naked person they see ?

A showerhead

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

Who is this Amber person…

and why does she keep texting everybody about my cars?

what's a person with reddit premium called?

predditor

My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder

But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

A good joke to ask another person

person 1: What is the unit of measurement used to measure electricity

person 2: What?

person 1: Correct!

What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes?

They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

you're not the dumbest person I know.

But you better hope he doesn't die.

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“A divorced dad, a Nazi, and a crazy person walk into a bar…”

The bartender looks up from polishing a glass and says “Oh, hi Kanye.”

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What does a blind person say when washing a grater?

"That must be the stupidest shit I've ever read."

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

Are we sure the first person to discover CPR...

Wasn't just a very surprised necrophiliac?

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This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

A woman, tired of being alone, posts a personal ad

In the ad, she says she's looking for a man who won't beat her, won't walk out on her, and can please her in bed.

A few days later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and is surprised to find a man on her doorstep with no arms or legs. "I'm here about the personal ad," the man says casual...

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

Who is the laziest person in a Chinese restaurant?

Susan

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when h...

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The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sur...

I used to date a woman who was a little person.

I was nuts over her!

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Better if told in person...

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the...

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

Why did the French person commit suicide when they couldn't find their olive oil?

Because they had lost the *huile d'olive*

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

What does a person with 2 left feet wear to the beach?

Flip-Flips

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.

Cyan Aura.

As a 6.2 person alot of people wouldask "wow! Your tall! Do you play basketball?"

At some point I started to reply "wow... your short, do you play miniature golf?"

One day an elderly rich person is summoned by the IRS.

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that yo...

What does a fat American and a rich British person have in common?

They have alot of pounds

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

What do you call a person without a son?

Per

"I have a split personality."

...said Tom, being frank.

What do you call a threesome with one person?

Handsome.

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

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Who is the second most porn-addicted person in the world?

My FBI-Agent.




Pls send help

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

What do you call smart person in America?

A tourist.

How do you comfort a sad non binary person ?

They’re/Their

If a deaf person has to go to court...

Is it still called a hearing?

My father is a very down to earth type person

Buried 6 feet deep

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

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How does a colourblind person see the LGBTQIA+ flag?

They see it in gayscale.

Person 1 says: I like Eminem

Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles.
Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper.
Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person with a sexual attraction to bicycles?

A pedal-phile.

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