The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.

Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.

A son asks his father: What do we call a person who speaks two languages?

Father: A Bilingual

Son: Then what if a person speaks three languages?

Father: A Trilingual

Son: And what of those who speak only one language?

Father: An American

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

What do you call a person who kills cereal?

Mentally ill.

When the person who invented the USB drive dies...

They’ll lower his coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.

What do a subway perv and the person they're staring at having in common?

Theyre both thinking "I really want to get off right now"

"I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish."

"What is my wish?" you ask?

"That somebody would give me two million dollars."

After a person dies, what part of their body is the last to stop working?

Their eyes. They dilate.

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a...

You should never make fun of a a fat person with a lisp.

They’re probably thick and tired of it.

This joke has to be told to someone in person

This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says “I’m the one driving not you”.

The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says “I’m the one c...

What do you call a person without a body or a nose?

Nobody knows!

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.

Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

How can you tell if a person doesn’t care about Endgame?

Don’t worry, they’ll make sure you know.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a person whose height is less than 5'10 has an orgasm

It's a shortcoming

To the person who hacked into my reddit account...

I will find you, and I will kill you.

What do you call a person who falls for something over and over again?

Oooh

We're no strangers to love

You know the rules and so do I

A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling

Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna...

Everyone tells me I’m a very responsible person

Whenever something goes wrong they say im responsible

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a person study to design sex toys?

Graphic design.


NB: This is the first joke I ever come up with

What do you call a person who looks after cows?

It's not shepherd, it's coward

What do you call a mean person in Germany?

A Deutsche-bag

If you nut on a dead person

Are you ghost busting?

I hate seeing a person clip their nails and leaving it on the floor

especially when we lock eyes through the bedroom window

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you ask a Homosexual person about their orientation...

You won't get a *Straight* answer.

(I'll see myself out.)

What do you call a person that has been stabbed three times?

An ambulance

When I said I was a positive person...

I meant HIV

Dennis Rodman looks like the type of person

to let Kim Jong-un call him the N-word as long as he says it with a hard “L”

Warning to the person who stole my glasses.

I have contacts!

Did you guys hear about that psychic little person who robbed a bank?

He's a small medium at large!

Who’s the happiest person at a furry convention?

Whoever has the flamethrower!

What did the Apple user say when another person showed him a r/Jokes post?

Haha...iknow that, ireddit!

What do you call a fat person who identifies as skinny?

A trans-slender.

If you could kill one person in history who would you kill?

Myself, I’d target the person who killed Hitler.

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

It must be hard dating online as an elderly person

You can’t be sure if you got ghosted or if they just died

Person A: "Don't mess with me, I have a lawyer on retainer!"

Person B: "I'll do what I want. You and your cheap lawyer don't scare me. I'll just hire a more expensive lawyer, one that doesn't need any dental work!"

While visiting Beethoven's grave, this Deaf person learned from the other Hearings that there is symphony playing backward from below the grave because Beethoven is..

De-composing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.

Oxytocin is known to increase erotic vocalizations during sex. Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.

It's a very powerful whore-moan.

What’s a blind person’s favorite type of joke?

Dark.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a bisexual person who is single?

They are on standbi

An Arabian person asked me and said “How did you get out of Iraq”

“Iran”

What do you get when you cross a white person and cocaine

A Cocasian

To the person who lost the stack of dollar bills

I have your rubberband

A person from Czechoslovakia falls in love with a chess player

It’s a Czechmate!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is breaking up with a Japanese person bad

Cause you have to drop the bomb twice before they get it

What do you call a person who watches over chickens?

A chicken tender.

What does a blind person dip their chips in?

Glaucomole

How does a Jewish person fight?

They use jewjitsu

I saw people putting notes at the bottom of a telephone pole. I asked them what they were doing and one person said:

"We are putting comments under this post."

If a person does exceedingly well in the Catholic faith, they become a saint. But if someone does equally well in the Hindu faith, they become a...

Saint Bernard.

What do you call an indigenous person who can’t stop giving out his two cents?

Opinionative

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is going to be one hell of a week.

What do you call a person who dislikes writing utensils?

Erasist.

The first Person to drop a Nokia made a discovery-

A groundbreaking one

I was a very chilled back person in high school.

I would wear headphones around my neck and a fedora because I thought it made me look cool

Turns out it didn't and my friend told me that he only ate lunch with me because he feared that I would become one of those school shooter kids and he wanted to live.

I always wanted to be the first person in the world to release a mixtape in the Notre Dame

But sadly someone else already dropped some fire there.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it.

What's a colourblind persons favourite restaurant?

Lobster

A church puts an ad in the newspaper for a person to ring the bell in the belfry on Sunday mornings.

No one applies for the position except for a young man with no arms.

The church administrator isn’t sure he can handle the job, but the man climbs the tower and rings the bell using just his head. On his first Sunday on the job, the man gets a little too excited and hits the bell a little to...

If an old person looks through their Facebook timeline

You could say that the Elder Scrolls

To the person that stole all my anti-depressants...

I hope you’re happy now!

Dear Optimistic and pessimistic persons,

While you were arguing weather the glass was half full or half empty, I drank it.

Yours truly:
The Opportunist.

the person who invented knock knock jokes ...

deserves a Nobel prize

Every time I see a naked person, they turn me on.

I’m a shower head.

There was a plane crash. Every single person died. Who survived?

The married couples!

Why didn't the cannibal eat the wheelchaired person?

They don't eat vegetables.

There's two ways to frustrate a person

The first is not finishing a sentence

The second is

Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person...

Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call an Amish person with his hand up a horse's ass

Mechanic

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Am I a bad person?

Tried to have one last fling with this girl I really liked. Everyone of my friends criticized me for doing so and made me feel like shit and I really don’t know what was so wrong.

Everyone else at her funeral was pissed at me and told me to leave. Can somebody help me out?

Coming from a Chinese person, Trump's wall totally works.

I can confirm there are no Mexicans in China.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I generally consider myself a modest and humble person.

It's what makes me so fucking awesome.

What's the difference between a person who pulls out all of their hair, and someone who cuts it off instead?

One has a sore mane, and the other is more sane.

If you have to schedule a meeting with a person or people you do not like, here are some days to tell them, no manner what year...

February 30th

April 31st

June 31st

September 31st

November 31st

What do you call a mental person who needs money?

Fund-a-mental

Inside every fat person theres a thin person trying to get out.

but outside every fat person theres a pizza waiting to get in.

Who is the coolest person in the hospital?

The ultrasound guy.

What kind of car does an Icelandic person drive?

A Fjord

What do you call a person who likes ceilings?

A ceiling fan

My wife and I are finally planning a trip to San Francisco for my life long dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.

She said, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”

I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a Japanese person call a paper towel?

Nap-kun

You want to know how to make a dumb person curious?

Person 2: no how?

People say that there is always one wierd person on the bus, but I don't get it.

I travel by bus everyday and I never see any wierd people. Everyone looks normal. It doesn't matter how long I stare at them.

A fat person walks in the street

He sees a thin person and says: when I see you, I always think there’s hunger in your country. The thin person replies: and when I see you, I think it’s your fault!

To the person that stole my copy of Microsoft Office:

I will find you. You have my Word.

A dyslexic person peeing his pants would spell certain doom.

His urination spells his ruination.

To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when a bisexual person shoots down flirtations from both men and women?

A double bi-pass!

As a handicapped person, I’ll always defend my parking spot

The time I’ve let other people run over me is past

Im pretty sure a deaf person has a crush on me

Shes giving me all the right signs

I knew a scientist who was obsessed with figuring out to clone a person. One day he figured it out. He was so excited.

He was beside himself.

French person: Do you do sports?

Me: Wii

What is a vietnamese person's favorite restaurant?

PetCo

What is it called when a person in a coma is surrounded by flowers?

A vegetable garden

A depressed person and a happy person walk into a hardware store, how can you tell the two apart?

The depressed one goes straight for the ropes while the happy one follows them with a camera and is wearing a green hat with three eyes on it.

Whats the good side of dating a homeless person?

You can drop them anywhere

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I’m in for a wild December.

Dad: Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only an idiot is always 100% sure about everything.

Son: Dad, are you sure?

Dad: Absolutely.

One day an elderly rich person is summoned by the IRS.

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that yo...

What do you call a person living next to a boring person?

Neighbore

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new y...

A person invented a new computer and called his friend to check it out...

Person:- this computer can think like a human

Friend :- how?

Person :- whenever it does something wrong, he blames it on other computers.

The Avengers: Endgame trailer has 14 million views from just one person

Dr. Strange

When I was young, I always thought the feet were the first part of a person to go to heaven

First, because they're called the "souls" of your feet. Second, I once walked into my parents' bedroom and saw my dad holding my mom down on the bed. Her feet were in the air and she was screaming "Oh God I'm coming!"

What do you call an LGBTQ person who doesn’t take action?

A Bi-stander.

I used to be a people person....

but then PEOPLE RUINED IT!

What’s so scary about a white person in prison

You know he did it

This ain’t mine btw I got it from youtube

What do you call a person who discriminates against cult members?

A cultist

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife recently asked me: "Hypothetically speaking, if you could have sex with any person in the world, whether real or fictional, who would you choose?"

Apparently, 'Karen' was not the right answer.

What do you call it when a 4 foot person goes on a merry go round?

A midget spinner

In London, at a hotel, the American guest asks the person at the desk:

“Where is the elevator?”




“Oh, you mean the lift, sir?”




“No, I meant the elevator because we, the Americans, invented it!”




“Indeed, sir, indeed, but we, the British, invented the language!”