Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

Some people have compared Trump to Caesar.

Would that make him Orange Julius?

What do you call someone who is smart compared to horses?

A stable genius

Why do stores sell more gifts during Valentine’s Day compared to Mother’s Day?

Because mom we only got one.

Why can't fruit be compared?

Apples and oranges cannot be peared.

With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

Hillary was asked if Weinstein's behavior compared to that of her husband's.

She said "Close, but no cigar."

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Someone once asked me to describe my sex life using an analogy. I compared it to an amoeba.

Because I reproduce alone :(

My dad compared his relationship with my mom to cheese

He said it's slowly degrating.

How many black Oscar nominees would it take (compared to white nominees) to satisfy the boycotters?

Three-fifths as many seems like a generous offer.

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In an interview yesterday, Texas Governor Rick Perry stood by his recent comments in which he compared homosexuality to alcoholism.

Perry further explained the similarities between the two by saying, “They are both things I experimented with while in college and both resulted in my liver taking a pounding.”

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician... "Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you ...

In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.

The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.

One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.

Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother ...

An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.

He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in tront of him.

St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation"
The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City"
St Peter looks at his lis...

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A man goes into a bar and sees a crying horse...

The bartender says to to the man: „Look, if you can cheer that horse up, all drinks are on the house today.“

The man takes the horse outside and a few minutes later, the horse is laughing loud and doesn’t stop.
A man of his word, the bartender gives the man free drinks.

A week later...

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I’m getting tired of people saying that mods are gay.

I mean, what gay person would want to be compared to a mod?

I hate it when Amy Schumer gets compared to whales

Whales are kind of funny you know

Young King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

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Three porn stars were getting drunk

And they started bragging to each other about their exploits


Porn star 1 said: “Girls, I’m easily the biggest whore in this bar. One time I fucked a soccer team. The whole team! Including the towel boy. And I did it by sneaking into the locker room, getting naked, and then just waiting fo...

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The blackest dad

3 kids were arguing to see who had the blackest dad.

The first kid says: "My dad is so black, when he pee, it comes out petroleum"

The second kid says: "That's nothing compared to my dad, he's so black that when he takes a dump, he poops coal"

The third kid laughs and say: "you ...

The story of the tramp and the holiday

The tramp sat in his park, as normal one cold winter day. He saw a young girl playing on the frozen lake. The ice gave and she fell in. Acting quickly, the tramp ran onto the ice and managed to pull her out and get her back to shore.

Waiting for him was a man in a suit. The girl ran over to h...

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight ho...

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An engineer threw a party for all of his friends.

During the party, someone realized that the big lottery drawing was that night. Since they were low on beer, they decided to all come up with their lottery numbers and buy their tickets during the beer run.

The programmer created an interactive program, complete with simulated announcer readi...

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Alan Titchmarsh told this joke at my graduation

A wife and husband lived in a house with a horrible garden.

Every day the wife would stare out her kitchen window at the garden and sigh. She wanted water features and flower beds put in, and a paved area to eat alfresco on.

Every day she would turn to her husband and say ‘darling pl...

I feed and clothe a child in Africa for 30 cents a day.

Ofcourse that's nothing compared to what it cost to send him there

TIL. Dont say nice piece to a guy standing next to you at a urinal in texas.

You will get stuck in a gotdamn half hour conversation about how the sw 40 is a far superior round compared to the 9mm.

A priest and a rabbi are friends . . .

And the priest is always talking to the rabbi about how great ham sandwiches are, and how he's totally missing out by not being able to eat them. Every time they have lunch together, he orders a ham sandwich, and spends the entire meal raving about how salty and savory and delicious it is. Any time...

Plan for Next Weekend

Friday at 4:45 an old geezer walks into the jewelry store with a hot babe on his arm. The shopkeeper was going to close but figured the guy must be loaded so he'll stay open. The old man is laying it on thick: "I want to see a ring that won't look dull compared to my angel's beautiful eyes." The gir...

A man and his wife are talking about their worst first date...

She goes first "I had an $8 salad and some water to drink. He had a $25 steak and multiple beers. He proceeded to ask to split the bill 50/50."

He then says "That's nothing compared to my worst!"

The wife asks "What happened"?

He said "It wasn't the date itself, but what followe...

A polar bear who lived in the North Pole for 30 years decided he had enough of the cold.

So he started his trek towards somewhere warmer.

He rode a fishing boat to Canada and tried his luck there, but it was still too cold.

So he tried his luck again in Florida, but it was too hot.

Finally, he went to Ecuador and tried his luck there, only to discover how warm it is...

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Three men die and go to Heaven (long):

John, Paul and Steve, none of whom knew each other, suddendly realise they must’ve died and find themselves waiting at Heaven’s gates.

St. Peter greets them, but it turns out the place is a bit crowded at the moment:

St. Peter: “I’m terribly sorry guys, but we’re a bit tight on space,...

I am totally not a racist but...

Compared to all the others types of races, I think the 400 meter hurdles present the most barriers for track athletes.

Been watching basketball lately, and I gotta say I can hardly tolerate Kevin Durant.

He stinks compared to his brother, Deo.

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A Priest Dies and Goes to Heaven...

A priest dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says to him, "Welcome to Heaven; for your devout service to God, we have your accommodations ready."

It was a one room shack. His neighbor, a cab driver, had a stately mansion.

Weeks go by, and the priest seeks out St. ...

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

My preacher started a sermon with this joke the other week that was actually pretty funny and i thought i would share it with you guys

Alright so in this small rural town there lived two brothers. All of their lives they went around doing horrible things to people that ranged from Vandalism, Stealing, Battery, etc. One day one of the brothers dies and the other brother goes to the town preacher to arrange his funeral and asks him,<...

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A Russian Military Lecturer

The commanding officer at a Russian military academy gave a lecture on potential problems and military strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”

The gener...

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Two window cleaners are working at the airport building

One of them says, «I want to pee, let's come down»

«Dude, just piss from here».

«But there are people down there».

«See that fountain? Lean down and aim right there, no one will notice»

«No way, I'll fall down»

«Don't worry man, I'll hold you by the galluses»
...

I tried cooking Chinese spare ribs in the oven instead of the pan.

I'll tell you it was a walk in the park compared to the pork in the wok.

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A husband says to his wife...

"Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thinks about it for a moment and replies, "You have the biggest penis compared to all of your friend's"

Three women were bragging about their boyfriends...

The first one proudly declares, my boyfriend is so kinky, he stuck his whole arm inside of me, The second girl shrugs her off and exclaims "that's nothing, my boyfriend once stuck his whole head inside me! The third one seemingly unimpressed states, "thats nothing compared to mine" as she spreads he...

Parents save more by not vaccinating their children

Baby coffins aren't that expensive compared to the costs of raising a child.

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Two teenage sisters are chatting together

The older one is very sexually promiscuous, and loves to tease the younger, shyer, more inexperienced one by telling stories of her and her boyfriend's exploits in bed. Only this time, the younger girl surprises her sister by telling her that she thinks she's in love.

"Who with? Some movie s...

Sam, Harry and Stuttering Joe

Sam, who wanted to impress his friends, bought a new Scooter motorcyle. Deciding he wanted to show off his new toy he drove to meet his friends Harry and Joe. Upon arriving at their usual hangout spot he was greeted by laughter by his two friends who thought a scooter was goofy looking and incapable...

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Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.

All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.

After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather...

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You have Sinned

EDIT: I have never written this joke out. Most of this joke is about the delivery. This is a successful joke when you are forced into telling one. Use the names of those goading you into telling one!




Johnny, Mike, and Pete were driving late at night when a cat cut in front of the ...

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A group of grade 5 students were comparing dick sizes

Amongst the group, the black kid had the biggest penis size in the group.
The black kid went home pretty confused and asked his cousin "Dude, compared to my friends, I had the biggest dick. Is it because I'm black?"
The cousin replied "No dude, it's because you're 18 years old."

A study of avian deaths on California highways.

The California D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on the highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the birds, and to everyone's relief, it was not bird flu. The cause of death seem to be from vehicular impact. During analysis it was noted th...

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A pickle, a cucumber and a penis were talking about life.

The cucumber said "When I get big and hard they toss me in a salad". The pickle said "When I get big and hard they chop me up and drown me in vinegar". The penis answered "That's nothing compared to what they do to me! When I get hard they put a plastic bag over me, push me in a damp dark cave and s...

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender notices this guy and can't help but admire his incredible physique and incredible chiseled body. The guy sits down and orders a drink, now up and close the barkeep realizes how proportionally weird his head is compared to the rest of his body. "Can I ask you ...

A Chinese mother with a terrible stutter

There once was a Chinese woman named Wei, and her family had decided to move to America ever since Wei was 14 years of age. Though this was hard for Wei because her language transition didn't go over so well. She could speak clearly, but she'd always find herself stuttering on the last word.

...

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GM and Microsoft

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we w...

What's a whale's worst nightmare?

Being compared to Amy Schumer

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis at bar...

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored ...

Insuring the Army

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty.

Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the ...

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Usain Bolt decides to play some golf

He goes into the clubhouse to get membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry sir, we don't allow black people in this club.'

'That's ridiculous. It's 2016 and you don't allow black people in this golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene sir, there's another golf cl...

I just moved in to a new flat with two girls...

I just moved in to a new flat with two girls, it's been a bit of a nightmare to be honest. The first one has really bad OCD, whenever she goes in to a room she has to turn the light switch on and off 17 times. That's nothing compared to the other one, she's got epilepsy

How to milk a cow

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.

"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back t...

I pay $5.00 a month to feed, clothe, and house a poor baby in Africa

But that's a deal compared to what it cost to send him there.

The doctor says, "I have some good news for you..."

"You have 24 hours to live."

"How the hell is that good news?!"

"Well, compared to the bad news its pretty good..."

"...well...? What's the bad news doc...?"

"I forgot to tell this you yesterday"

A lazy son's father comes home...

... And tells him son, who is laying on the couch all day:"Son, I talked to one of my friends and I have managed to get you a job!" "But dad..." says his son "I don't want to work, it's way too hard.". His father respons:"That's the good thing about it! It's the easiest job ever: You will work as a ...

3 women where having a coffee and some girl talk

One of them goes:

"Girls, if you're man was to be compared to a soda brand, what would it be? Mine would be 7UP, because he's 7 hard inches, always up"

"Well mine would be Mountain Dew since he likes to mount and do me everyday." says the second.

The last one ponders for a secon...

Obama was scheduled to visit a Catholic church...

An aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington. He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include cal...

A Priest and a NY Cab Driver died together and went to heaven

A Priest and a NY Cab Driver died together and went to heaven. They get to the pearly gates and an angel greets them. First the angel takes them to the NY cab drivers house in heaven. It's amazing it has marble floors a butler and maid and a swimming pool it's awesome, the Cab drivers thanks the ang...

OCD Bartender

A husband and wife walk into the cleanest bar you've ever seen. It is their monthly date night and they are dressed to impress! The first thing they notice walking through the doors is a sparkle emitting from the glasses across the establishment. They look around and notice pictures on the wall line...

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Three Irishmen

Three Irishmen are walking home after a night at the pub. They're all a bit pissed, and decided to take the shortcut through the churchyard. As they pass the gravestones, one Irishman says to the others, "Look at this, boys. Ol' Patrick Flannigan lived 'til 85". Another of the men says, "Ah, that's ...

Physics Joke

A mountain climber goes out drinking with his friends.
He starts complaining "My wife called me annoying last night! She compared me to a mosquito." His buddy responded. "You know what they say. You can't cross a vector with a scalar."

This husband wins the fight every time.

A newlywed couple are having their first big fight since being married. Things start getting heated when the husband angrily says "You know I'm right, I'm twice as smart as you!" Furious, the wife asks incredulously "What the heck, how could you say that!" The husband responds, "Well, just look at w...

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was ...

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Phil dies and is met by the Devil in front of three doors.

The Devil takes him to one side. 'Look, Phil,' he says, 'we're trying something out to cut down on admin down here. We used to assign punishments to the damned that fit their sins, but now we're letting people choose themselves.'

He gestures to the three doors. 'What I can do for you is this:...

A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment...

...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep.

The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may s...

I.T. auditor and a Blonde

At this point in time in the company, the periodical security audit came around. Everyone's passwords were purged and new ones needed to be implemented. As a bonus to help employees with the grumbling there was an award for the strongest password that was used without problem since the last audit. T...

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Gerrard and the nudist beach

Gerrard, a young Parisian stud, books himself a couple of weeks at a coastal nudist colony to work on the tan (and the ladies) but on his first day he realises his member looks like a milk bottle compared to the rest of his tanned, toned body - he doesn't believe in sunbeds and you can't exactly bat...

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A few statistics...

Studies show ¾ths of the general public prefer to be told statistics in percents as compared to fractions.

10/9 of them are unable to spot errors in said statistics.

63% of the population will believe a statistic if it has a famous name cited with it. - Julius Cesar, May 1973

Th...

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Burnt Toast

A 14-year-old kid comes home from school crying after the first day of school. His mom asks what's wrong, and he says, "Today we took showers in gym class, and I noticed that compared to everyone else, my penis is small and I'm practically hairless! The other kids noticed, too, and they started to...