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Ever notice how Washington D.C. rarely has a significant snowfall compared to the surrounding areas?

It must have to do with all the hot air coming from the Capitol/Capital.

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A lot of people have compared Trump to Hitler, but this is totally unfair.

Hitler had the decency to admit defeat.

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Three retired old men are sitting down for lunch and comparing their lives

The first old man says that every morning he's awake at 5 am and has to stand in front of the toilet for an hour just to urinate.

The second old man says that's nothing compared to how constipated his medication makes him. And he has to sit on the toilet for at least an hour every morning. <...

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

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The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Babe, if I compared you to every single girl in the entire world...

...all averaged together, there would be no difference.

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you know what makes virginity special compared to other aspects of life?

it's the only thing I never lost

The restaurant in Paris

Two retired couples are having dinner together.
The meal was pretty good, but one of the men said that it's nothing compared to the best steak he ever had at a small brasserie in Paris.
"Which one, do you remember the name?" Asked his friend.
Scratching his head and trying hard to recall, ...

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A few days ago, my friend compared me to a Happy Meal, Her reasoning was that i'm cute and a bundle of happiness.

I thought that that was interesting, because I also cum with a toy.

It's funny that Republicans have compared Trump to Reagan in the past...

At least Reagan knew how to act.

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The son comes home and tells happily: "Mum, we compared our willy at school today"

"And guess what? I got the biggest one of all!"



To which the mother replies: "I hope so, my son. After all, you are the teacher."

The girl at the top of my class compared me to the worst type of cookie...

I asked them: What do you mean? How am I like the worst type of cookie?

They responded: Well, you look like you're sweet but you're really just a raisin

I looked at them puzzled, and said: Oh? You meant oatmeal raisin, I thought you meant another type of cookie

They made a confu...

Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries?

They got banned from the competition by the WHO.

Everything is relative

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers...

President Trump just compared impeachment to being lynched.

If you are expecting an apology he will leave you hanging.

Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

Drinking at home compared to drinking at the bar.

Isn't working out.

I nearly asked my wife for her phone number.

I compared the bottom of a co-worker to a rabbit.

Perhaps this was a bit hareassing.

With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

Some people have compared Trump to Caesar.

Would that make him Orange Julius?

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When it comes to women, I often get compared to Brad Pitt.

In Benjamin Button.

I look a lot better in moonlight as compared to sunlight.

The difference is night and day.

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A group of grade 5 students were comparing dick sizes

Amongst the group, the black kid had the biggest penis size in the group.
The black kid went home pretty confused and asked his cousin "Dude, compared to my friends, I had the biggest dick. Is it because I'm black?"
The cousin replied "No dude, it's because you're 18 years old."

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

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If Microsoft made cars.

Disclaimer: This Joke was made in the 1990's in response to comments that if the automobile industry kept pace with Silicone Valley cars would be much more advanced. The origin is the Mid 1990's
However at close retrospect some of this now happens.





At a computer expo (...

What's a small Zippo compared to a big Zippo?

A little lighter.

I was delivering a sermon to my congregation the other day.

After I mentioned a rude joke that compared The Dark Knight Rises to the torturous pits of Hell, I saw one man angrily stand up and storm out. I was in complete shock.


It was the first time I’d ever seen a Christian Bale.

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NSFW A cucumber a pickle and a penis are chatting

About how hard life is.

The cucumber says you both got it easy they chop me up and put me in salads.

The pickle pipes up and says no way, my life is way harder I was once big and strong like you cucumber, but I've been drowned in a jar of vinigar until I shrivel up and become this mo...

What do you call someone who is smart compared to horses?

A stable genius

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I’ve got to say business culture is really different in China compared to the US.

The Chinese invite foreigners to see their wall and bring them shit load of money. Americans pay their wall themselves and tell foreigners to fuck off.

Why can't fruit be compared?

Apples and oranges cannot be peared.

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Two guys invited a prostitute to a hotel room

They decided to do it separately so the first guy goes in the room while the other is waiting at the lobby.

Then the first guy comes out, the second guy asks: ''How was she?''

First guy answers: ''She was okay, but she was nothing compared to my wife.''

Then the second guy goes...

Three friends are sitting around talking about their boyfriends

The first girl says to the other two, “let’s play a game and say a drink that we like that our boyfriends remind us of. I’ll go first. My boyfriend is like sprite; he’s light and bubbly and sooo refreshing after my last couple relationships.”

The second girl says “ok, umm… mine would be a che...

I hate it when Amy Schumer gets compared to whales

Whales are kind of funny you know

How many black Oscar nominees would it take (compared to white nominees) to satisfy the boycotters?

Three-fifths as many seems like a generous offer.

Hillary was asked if Weinstein's behavior compared to that of her husband's.

She said "Close, but no cigar."

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