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Compared Jokes

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I compared each other's belly buttons to see which one is better.

It was a battle of navel supremacy.

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A lot of people have compared Trump to Hitler, but this is totally unfair.

Hitler had the decency to admit defeat.

Ever notice how Washington D.C. rarely has a significant snowfall compared to the surrounding areas?

It must have to do with all the hot air coming from the Capitol/Capital.

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Two guys invited a prostitute to a hotel room

They decided to do it separately so the first guy goes in the room while the other is waiting at the lobby.

Then the first guy comes out, the second guy asks: ''How was she?''

First guy answers: ''She was okay, but she was nothing compared to my wife.''

Then the second guy goes...

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

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A group of grade 5 students were comparing dick sizes

Amongst the group, the black kid had the biggest penis size in the group.
The black kid went home pretty confused and asked his cousin "Dude, compared to my friends, I had the biggest dick. Is it because I'm black?"
The cousin replied "No dude, it's because you're 18 years old."

Babe, if I compared you to every single girl in the entire world...

...all averaged together, there would be no difference.

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you know what makes virginity special compared to other aspects of life?

it's the only thing I never lost

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Three retired old men are sitting down for lunch and comparing their lives

The first old man says that every morning he's awake at 5 am and has to stand in front of the toilet for an hour just to urinate.

The second old man says that's nothing compared to how constipated his medication makes him. And he has to sit on the toilet for at least an hour every morning. <...

President Trump just compared impeachment to being lynched.

If you are expecting an apology he will leave you hanging.

Drinking at home compared to drinking at the bar.

Isn't working out.

I nearly asked my wife for her phone number.

It's funny that Republicans have compared Trump to Reagan in the past...

At least Reagan knew how to act.

Some people have compared Trump to Caesar.

Would that make him Orange Julius?

Why can't fruit be compared?

Apples and oranges cannot be peared.

I compared the bottom of a co-worker to a rabbit.

Perhaps this was a bit hareassing.

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The son comes home and tells happily: "Mum, we compared our willy at school today"

"And guess what? I got the biggest one of all!"



To which the mother replies: "I hope so, my son. After all, you are the teacher."

What's a small Zippo compared to a big Zippo?

A little lighter.

With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

I look a lot better in moonlight as compared to sunlight.

The difference is night and day.

Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries?

They got banned from the competition by the WHO.

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When it comes to women, I often get compared to Brad Pitt.

In Benjamin Button.

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

The girl at the top of my class compared me to the worst type of cookie...

I asked them: What do you mean? How am I like the worst type of cookie?

They responded: Well, you look like you're sweet but you're really just a raisin

I looked at them puzzled, and said: Oh? You meant oatmeal raisin, I thought you meant another type of cookie

They made a confu...

What do you call someone who is smart compared to horses?

A stable genius

Hillary was asked if Weinstein's behavior compared to that of her husband's.

She said "Close, but no cigar."

I hate it when Amy Schumer gets compared to whales

Whales are kind of funny you know

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A few days ago, my friend compared me to a Happy Meal, Her reasoning was that i'm cute and a bundle of happiness.

I thought that that was interesting, because I also cum with a toy.

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I’ve got to say business culture is really different in China compared to the US.

The Chinese invite foreigners to see their wall and bring them shit load of money. Americans pay their wall themselves and tell foreigners to fuck off.

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness.

They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove ...

How many black Oscar nominees would it take (compared to white nominees) to satisfy the boycotters?

Three-fifths as many seems like a generous offer.

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