UPJOKE
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Usual Jokes

Why are hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they come, they are wild and wet. But when they leave, they take your house and your car.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

I usually ask people what LGBTQ means.

I never get a straight answer.

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It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" usually mean the same thing

...except at a funeral

People are usually shocked...

when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

[First Date] Her: I’m usually attracted to men with power.

Me: That’s great, I always pay my electric bill on time.

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

“Do you realise what time it is?!?” she stammered.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought som...

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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

My baby nephew got apprehended by the police after refusing his usual naptime

He was resisting a rest

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from rea...

What time does Sean Connery usually play racket sports?

Ten-ish

My horse was way more aggressive than usual today

it threw me off

I don’t usually steal utensils, but if I’m desperate…

It’s a whisk i’m willing to take.

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Instead of an LOL I usually SHIT

Silent haha in thought

A Cunning Wife and a Usual Husband

Wife: Listen, shall we go to the Circus ?



Husband : No......... I'm busy..



Wife : It seems there's a Girl riding on a Lion without clothes !



Husband : You have become very stubborn. In everything you want to be stubborn .....

Okay, let's go.
...

I dont usually tell dad jokes

But when I do, he usually laughs

When people lose one sense, other senses usually get enhanced.

That is why individuals with no sense of Humor
have increased sense of self-importance and narcissism.

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An usual conversation on Tinder.

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your titties?


W: Sure, send me 20$


Sending money.


M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?


W: No problems, send another 50$


After a while.

<...

I wouldn't say I'm a big drinker, I usually just have a glass of whiskey before bed

Last night I went to bed 8 times

Usually when I get naked in the bath room

The shower gets turned on

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

Seamus walked into the pub, sat down at his usual table...

...and proudly announced, “Drinks are on me tonight, boys.”

His pals looked at each other, knowing that Seamus was very tight with his wallet. Michael spoke up, “Are ye OK?”

Seamus clapped him on the shoulder and said, “Aye, Mikey, I’m just fine. Last night, while I was here with you l...

Why are weddings in Alabama usually half price ?

Because they only use one side of the church

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A bartender starts his shift as usual

and things are going smoothly. He shoots the shit with the regulars, knocking a few back as was his wont. A little later into the night a man walks in and orders a drink. After he gets the drink he sits and starts to talk to his hand. The bartender is confused for sure, he seemed normal enough when ...

As usual for Germany ...

it performs better in '14 than in '18.

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

How does Harry Potter usually get down a hill?

By walking.

JK. Rolling.

Why do wives usually cook for their husbands?

Because according to the law all prisoners must be fed

Why do men usually die first?

Because we want to.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

This Valentine's Day I will no doubt be inundated again as usual...

In, undated

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Frank and John go hunting, as per usual on their sunday afternoon

John is blind, so Frank is always there to help him aim his rifle. As they're walking on the woods, Frank spots a deer:

F - (whispering) Oh, I spot a deer!

J - Nice, tell me where to aim.

F - You're basically facing him. Raise your rifle, perfect, now aim a little bit to your ri...

Why is it that burglars are usually armed?

Armless burglars can't get away with as much.

There are usually a hundred hens on a farm...

... and only one rooster. After all the rooster is just meant for mating, and useless apart from that.

One day, the farmer decided that the current rooster is getting old, and bought a new younger rooster in.

The old rooster, upon seeing the new, younger rooster, got angry.

"Wh...

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A public masturbator finds someone else jerking off in his usual spot

“So uhh… you cum here often?”

I usually dont get school shooting jokes.

Typically they are aimed at a younger audience.

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A pig's orgasm usually lasts 30 minutes...

Which is strange because my exes only lasted about 30 seconds.

I’m not usually good at carnival games, but I won a stuffed knight at the county fair.

It was a Sir Prize

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

Women usually call me ugly until they see how much I actually make

then they start calling me poor & ugly

People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their Greatest hits !

Coming up with a good Reddit post is usually pretty hard.

But today it’s a piece of cake!

Took me 4 times the usual to milk a cow today.

He only had one udder, which was strange.

I don't usually brag about my finances

But my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding!

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

You usually don't get British Breakfast in Thailand..

but you will ocassionaly find two eggs and a sausage in places, where you were not even hoping for it.

I usually bench like 225, 230

or 3 o'clock depends what time I get to the gym

Why do Mexican gang members usual flunk school?

Cause they don't turn in their essays.

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Two drunks getting hammered as usual...

And as usual the fist one vomits all over himself. "Goddamnit, my wife's gonna be pissed."

Second Drunk: "Whaterya bellyaching about? You always throw up on yourself."

First Drunk: "Yeah, but this time The Wife says she won't let me in if I smell like vomit anymore." So the Second Drun...

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So, a woman heads to the doctors office for her usual checkup.

While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it,

"Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex."


The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest ...

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the...

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A college professor gets offered a chance to teach sex education which is not what he usually teaches.

He’s a little embarrassed to tell his wife what he’s teaching so he tells her he’s teaching a class on sailing. A few months go by and his wife runs into a friend’s daughter who says, “I’m really enjoying your husbands class!”

The professor’s wife says, “Oh?…I’m surprised, he’s only done it o...

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A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

Why do men usually die before women?

Because it takes the women forever to get ready

What is a 4-letter word ending in U-N-T that a woman can usually be called?

Aunt

What musical instrument is usually found in the bathroom?

Tuba Toothpaste

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Little Red Riding Hood strolls into a dark forest, delivering her goodies as usual.

“La la la la la, la la la la la,” she caroled.

All of the sudden she encounters a vicious wolf that appears to be behind a tree. She becomes fearful for her life, but the wolf notices her presence and runs off into the darkness.

Red, confused, shrugs and goes about her stroll.

“...

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How my mornings usually go

* Wake up


* Take a shit


* Get out of bed

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

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Not your usual goat joke

I walked past a baby goat sleeping. I was later arrested for kidnapping, has nothing to do with the kid napping, they just found my basement

I am usually not a fan of chest hair...

But its been growing on me lately.

Almost all the hotels I usually stay at are closed

I had to go with my last resort

I usually feed Tums to ants

Because it's like antacid to them.

One day, a little boy decides to write his Christmas letter as usual. When all of a sudden, his mom pops into his room.

Mom: What are you doing son?

Boy: Writing my letter to santa mom

Mom: With how bad you've been this year you'll have to write a letter to Jesus to get anything!

So the boy starts to write his letter to Jesus, and has to think about what he's going to say.

'Dear Jesus, I'v...

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59.

I really like that one-to-one time

I usually put my smartphone in my back pocket

now I’m a smart ass

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The usual priest if off, so a stand in takes his spot

All is going well until a woman confesses to giving a man a blowjob. The priest doesn't know what to do so he nips out of the confessional booth to ask for help. He runs into a choir boy and asks him "what does the usual priest give for a blow job?"

The choir boy replies "normally a bag of sw...

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...

Why did the Indian not go to their usual charcuterie?

They wanted to try a New Delhi.

What kind of neighborhood is Parmesan usually found in?

A grated community.

I don't usually joke about 9/11

because they have a tendency to crash and burn.

I don't usually greet working girls

But hey ho

Recently my dreams are noticeably more colourful than usual.

I think it's more than just a pigment of my imagination.

People don't usually compliment me on my driving...

But today I saw a note on my car that said "PARKING FINE". That was nice of them.

...

I'll escort myself out.

Lions don't usually cannibalize, because they are proud creatures.

But sometimes they have to swallow their pride.

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An American tourist had visited all the usual sights

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd seen the Sydney Harbour and everything else but he wanted to see the real Australia. So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasn't much to see. There was a drought, it was hot and the wind was blowing dust ever...

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual...

...and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.

His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."

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Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

My usual cab driver always goes the extra mile.

I’ve ought to get a new driver really.

Little Johnny is sitting in class not paying attention as usual when the teacher calls on him

“Ok Johnny, if there are five birds sitting on the fence and the farmer shoots three how many are left?”

Johnny thinks about it and says “There will be zero left, because the gunshot would have scared them all away!”

“No Johnny there will be two left, but I like the way you think.”
...

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Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

Dave came home later than usual from his Sunday golf outing...

He looked thoroughly worn out.

"Tough day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Oh, you have no idea," he said. "The first nine holes were great. But then Steve had a heart attack and died. For the whole back nine, it was 'hit the ball, drag Steve, hit the ball, drag Steve."

Obama died, and, as usual for any president, he was lead to the hell.

Satan looked at him “ Mmmm, I can see that you have been elected twice as President. Also, you are one of a kind. So, I am giving you a rare opportunity. You can see the other inmates in hell and select your eternal fate. If you chose their fate, they will be sent to heaven”.

With nothing to ...

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Men who can perform autofellatio are usually pretty arrogant.

They're often full of themselves.

Why are Trump supporters usually first to the ballot box?

Because they’re always Russian

What time do Elves usually meet?

Around Twelvish

I'm ashamed to say that this is OC

Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate…

It’s usually of the tectonic variety.

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Lady in labour shouting the usual shit.

"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

Why do twins usually know each others habits so well right from the moment of birth?

Because they have been wombmates for 9 months already!

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I sometimes enjoy jerking off to religious porn but then I usually feel very ashamed....

...and have one of those come to Jesus moments.

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How deep is the average vagina usually?

Deep enough to take your house, car, kids and life.

What has one eye, is round and is usually hung?

A dartboard.

People usually think rolling a Natural 1 is a total disaster

But apparently the real disaster is Roll20.

There's usually workers at supermarkets who temperature probe incoming deliveries

It's to make sure the temperature is below the required level and the produce hasn't spoiled.

They don't get paid for doing this, they just do it probe ono

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I don't usually make anal sex jokes...

...butt fuck it

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An elderly man starts getting usually horny one night.

So he rolls over on top of his wife and starts going at it. He tells his wife, "Francine, you feel nice and tight, but your boobs are bony, She responds, "YOU'RE ON MY BACK!"

Two older ladies from neighborhood are talking to kill some time like usual.

\- My darling, is there something wrong with you? I was wondering if you are sick?

\- Me? I've never been healthier! Why's that?

\- Well you know, I've noticed this doctor coming every morning for several days to visit you...

\- And when the colonel was visiting you was I talkin...

Why are failed lawyers usually alcoholics?

They couldn’t pass the bar

An elderly gentleman goes in for his usual colonoscopy exam....

As he lay on his side on the table, the doctor got ready to do the examination.

As the doctor was going in, he looked at the patient and smiled and said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection."

The patient, embarrassed, stated earnestly, "But I haven't got an erection."...

Headlice are now resistant to the usual medical treatments....

The problem has scientists scratching their heads.

I don't usually lay down

I'm not gonna lie

Jesus was making his usual rounds in heaven

when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is sh...

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

My X-ray technician told me she usually doesn't go on dates with her patients...

...but she saw something in me.

On a daily basis, what usually goes through an American student's mind?

Bullets.

When I go into a drug store, the pharmacist is usually high.

Why are many drug stores constructed with the area behind the counter a few steps higher than the rest of the store?

A man comes home later than usual after a day of golfing

His wife is waiting when he walks in and says "You're usually home before now, is everything ok?"

"Baby, I've had the worst day possible."

"Really? What happened?"

"Bill dropped dead from a heart attack on the first tee."

"Oh my God, that's horrible!"

"No kidding. ...

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