UPJOKE
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Minimum Jokes

What do bosses who pay their employees minimum wage and middle aged men who date eighteen year olds have in common with each other?

Both would go for lower if it were legal.
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What's the minimum number of people it takes to screw in a light bulb?

Two but it has to be a really big light bulb.
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What's the difference between a bench and the minimum wage?

A bench can support a family.
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I told my parents about a crazy job I wanted to take for minimum wage.

They said:
That makes absolutely no cents.
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TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
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Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's Nothing Sexier than a Minimum Wage Worker

If he'll mop that floor all day for 8.25 an hour imagine what he'd do to me for 10

What’s the bear minimum?

One bear.
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Why is Tom Brady against raising the federal minimum wage?

He doesn’t want things to get too inflated.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Study suggests that a man does sex for a minimum 30 times a year.

Looks like it is going to be fun December for me.

At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years.

Ok, I'll be back in two years.
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Apparently the BBC can pay me less than minimum wage

But they said the camera adds ten pounds
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TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system
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What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world’s shortest tongue twister (which is kind of a joke right?) - the minimum 2 words long

Irish Wristwatch

Just pissed a lot of people off at work with this one

What’s the minimum GPA needed to go to USC?

$500,000.00
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I said, "You're welcome", as I put a plate in the dishwasher. My wife said, "Wow, thanks for doing the bare minimum."

I responded, "Hey, it's the least I could do."
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A study into the impact of minimum unit pricing of alcohol in Scotland found it did not cause major bulk buying across the border in England.

Mainly because the off-licenses wouldn't take Scottish notes.
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Verizon made a new minimum security prison and despite what many would believe its very successful.

its got no bars but you still cant get out of it for 2 years
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Baby, are you a relative minimum of a function?

Because when I found you, my life changed from negative to positive.
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The Coast Guard recently changed their minimum height requirements to 6'.

That way if the boat sinks everyone can just walk to shore.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's hard having to manufacture double-sided dildos for minimum wage.

Just gotta do what you can to make ends meet.

An overachiever, regular person, and a person who does the bare minimum walk into a bar.

Or rather, the overachiever walks under the bar, the regular guy walks into the bar, and the slacker trips on the bar.
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My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.
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TIL the government has a minimum height requirement for workers to receive Coronavirus relief payments. I was so angry...

but I'm over it
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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul repli...
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To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

That's the bear minimum.
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A new bar opened up down the road that offered free Wi-Fi. I asked the bar keeper for the password and he said "two drink minimum"

So I quickly downed 2 shots and again asked for the password. He said "twodrinkminimum: all one word"
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NBC President Flies Into Rage After Network Fails to Produce Industry Minimum Ten Cop Shows‏

NEW YORK - During a staff meeting this week, NBC President of Entertainment Robert Greenblatt erupted into a profanity-laced tirade when he was informed that the network's new season of prime-time dramas and comedies failed to meet The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) requ...

The 2000 Chinese women's gymnastics team had to surrender their bronze medal after it was discovered that Dong Fangxiao was younger than the minimum age of 16.

They would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those medalling kids.
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If you get lost in the Canadian wilderness, don’t panic unless you see at least one grizzly stalking you.

That’s the bear minimum.
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"Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times

But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day
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[OC] What do you call the mum with the most kids in the world? Maximum. What do you call a mum with just 1 child? Minimum. What do you call a woman with no kids?

Optimum.

Happy mother's day!
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What do you call a tiny mother?

A minimum.
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A man walks into a restaurant and requests a table for one.

The host explains that the restaurant has a dress code, and men at minimum need to be wearing a tie. The man says, "Okay." and walks back out to his car to see if he has a tie in his back seat from the work week. He's looking and looking and can't find one. He pops the trunk and even searches in the...
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My employer is unable to pay me what I'm worth.

Because it would violate minimum wage laws.
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In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...
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a man walks into a library

and says in a loud voice “can i please order a piece of battered fish, 2 potato cakes and minimum chips”

the librarian replies in a firm but quiet voice ‘Sir, you’re in a library’

the man whispers ‘Sorry, can i please order a piece of battered fish, 2 potato cakes and minimum chips”
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An old Jewish man dies.

His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.

He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "...
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Difference between Russia and USA

In Russia they use breathalyzers to check for minimum blood alcohol content
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Why did the grizzly get fired from his job?

He was only doing the bear minimum.....

Yes I know where the door is.....
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A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.

“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”

“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.

Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.

He notices that the woman’...
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I have started referring to my household chores as “Workle”.

It usually takes me a minimum of 3 to 4 attempts to get things right.
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What Do You Call Something That Is Shorter Than Most Mums?

The minimum
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A city slicker goes to visit a cattle ranch in Montana one day.

He meets the chief ranch hand who takes him on a tour of the place.

"Here we keep the heifers," he says. "They have this huge pasture to roam and feed until they're ready for market."

"Interesting," the city guy says. "What about the bulls?"

"They're across the way over there," ...

How do you get every mother?

You take the sum from Minimum to Maximum.
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What do you call the smallest mother?

The minimum

(Not OPs, but chuckled, heart = warm)
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Spongebob was the most unrealistic kid's show

A teenager in a minimum wage job owning a house and car. Pfft
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If you know nothing about constellations at least learn Ursa Minor

...that's the bear minimum.
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Obit

Woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read...
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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician enter a competition

The goal is to surround 10 sheeps with the minimum amount of wood to be used as fence.

The engineer goes first. Armed with the knowledge that the best perimeter to area is a circle, gathers the sheep together and build a circular fence around them.

The crowd goes crazy! That is unbeata...
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A married man invites his ex-girlfriend over for the night when his wife is out of town

Unfortunately, the security guard of his apartment building saw him with her.
He handed the security guard a crisp $50 and says: "Don't tell the missus about this."
To this the guard replies: "Man your wife pays a minimum of $100 evey time for this kinda stuff"
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What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear?

Bear Minimum
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If you do these things every day for 30 days straight you will be unrecognizable

1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.

2. Drink four 8oz glasses of water minimum daily.

3. Get outside in the sun everyday.

4. No sugar.

5. Read for 30 mins each day.

6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week

7. Capture someone, cut their face off then sew it onto your face....
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

It's not hard to survive a bear attack...

so long as you do the bear minimum.
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Pay me what I'm worth!

I once asked my boss for a raise.
He asked me how much I wanted.
"Just pay me what I'm worth," I said.
He replied, "I can't. There's a minimum wage law."
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What did the dwarf say at the job fair?

Minimum wage please!
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My sister said she wanted to be a model

I told her that it would take 20 minutes in photoshop minimum
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I'm looking for a "friend with benefits"

Health Care at a minimum. Dental would be nice but not required.
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Salary negotiation

Employee: I’d like to be paid what I’m worth.
Employer: And I’d like to pay you what you’re worth, but I can’t because there are minimum wage laws.
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7 Great Wonders of Communism:

1. Universal employment.
2. Despite universal employment, no one works at all.
3. Despite no one working, all economic plans were fulfilled to 100% minimum.
4. Despite plans being fulfilled above the 100% requisite, shops remained empty.
5. Despite shops being empty, everyone had everyth...
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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the h...
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What is the secret to staying thin?

Minimum wage.
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They told me to go to the zoo and steal as many bears as I could

I got away with the bear minimum
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I recently hired a temp to fill in while my secretary was off for six months on maternity leave.

Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I
asked her what she expected to earn.

The temp replied, "Well ... the minimum I could possibly work for is
four hundred a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.

The temp shook her head and replied, "With 'pleasure'...
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Have you heard about the smallest bear in the world?

They say his size is the bear minimum.
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Entry level job ad

Minimum 8 years of experience
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Why did Roy Moore lose the election?

There’s a minimum age for voting
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A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude


---------------/


An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...
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What do you call the smallest of a group of little people mothers?

The Minimum!
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A peeny pinching dad was throwing his daughter a sweet 16 birthday

He wanted her to have a nice party but didn't want to spend a lot of money. He made all the arrangements at the bare minimum to satisfy his daughter's wishes, everything except the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an nice bakery?" his wife suggested.

He called all around town and...
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What do you call a naked dwarf?

The bare minimum
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Give a man a pizza and he eats for a day

Teach a man how to make a pizza and he will work minimum wage
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NSFW Playing with yourself isn't easy

At the minimum, its a handful
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I am extremely picky about what I eat.

Everything I eat must absolutely be describable with a word that begins with "F". It must also must also end with "D". And finally, it should have two "O"'s in it. I simply will not eat anything that does not meet my minimum criteria.
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They said 9/11 was an inside job, but that would never happen again in this day and age.

They would probably want a minimum of 10 years of experience in suicide bombing for an entry level position.
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By nature, Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar, and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white-wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes off this lady, and eventually, he gathered up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

“Hello, I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice...
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Why are Grizzlies such horrible employees?

They will only do the bear minimum
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My cousin was curious as to how a bear was taught to play the trumpet even if it didn't sound very good...

I shrugged and answered.

"I guess it learned the bear minimum."
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Jamie the Jewish man died

His wife Ida rang the newspaper to put in his obituary

‘It’s $10 per word’ said the man at the newspaper

‘In that case please put “Jamie died”’ she said

He said ‘unfortunately it’s a minimum of 5 words’

‘Please put “Jamie died. Volvo for sale”’
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How many babies does it take to paint a house?

None. The minimum age for physical labour in most places is 13-15 and babies would not be allowed to use the paint
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