UPJOKE
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What is the Asian equivalent of John Doe?

Hu Dat

Student doing test: “The unit of power equivalent to 1 joule per second is called the [....]”

Friend leans over: “Watt is the answer”

Student: “I don’t know, I’ve been trying to figure it out”

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They say sex is equivalent to running 6 miles.

By my calculations that means I can run a mile in under 4 seconds. How about that!

Shamelessly stolen from r/funny cause it made me laugh.

What is the equivalent of 2,000 mocking birds?

2 kilomockingbirds.

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They say having sex is the equivalent of running 5 miles

Who runs 5 miles in 10 seconds

Ironman's girl equivalent would be just regular women

Because they are FeMale

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Killing 31,646 people would be the equivalent of planting 20 million trees.

Making hitler the biggest environmentalist ever!

What is the cat equivalent of a Karen?

Carol Baskin

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I got told that having sex is the exercise equivalent of running two miles.

I don't believe it. Who the hell runs two miles in 30 seconds?!

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My girlfriend is upset that there’s no female equivalent of a “justice boner.”

I think she’s suffering from subpoenas envy.

What is the real life equivalent of speedrunning?

Getting an abortion.

What is the female equivalent of "toxic masculinity?"

PMS

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Whats the geometric equivalent to a grammar Nazi?

A circle jerk!

A fathom is a unit of length equivalent to 6 feet, so not respecting social distance would be rather...

...unfathomable.

What is the equivalent of being a model at Instagram?

Being a millionaire in Monopoly.

What’s the female equivalent of “Movember”?

Junt.

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What's the female equivalent of a circlejerk?

The View

What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest?

A clam bake

What is the canine equivalent of veal?

Puppy chow.

What is the North Korean equivalent of a Gallon?

One Supreme Litre.

Useful Metric Equivalents

* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 52 = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 m...

Dad’s equivalent of the mother’s “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it, too” to their misbehaving child

Dad - “I shot you once, and I can I do it again”

What is the cow equivalent of Netflix and Chill?

Lactose ‘n tolerance

What’s the Islamic equivalent of cafeteria Christianity?

Allah-cart.

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What is the female equivalent to whiskey dick?

Wine box.

What's the road construction worker's equivalent of a plumbers crack?

An asphalt

What's the female equivalent of "man cave"?

Answer: The kitchen.

Just had to share this. I asked my girl friend this tonight and she straight faced said "the kitchen?" and we both had a good laugh!

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This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

A kaddish is a hymn of praises to God found in a Jewish prayer service. What is its Muslim equivalent?

A kaboom!

Trump's battle against ISIS is the grand strategy equivalent of a Patriots-Cowboys game.

A lot of people you talk to somehow want both to lose.

A young engaged couple were very much lookimg forward to their marriage.

One Sunday afternoon they went out for a drive in the country, and had a terrible head-on collision with a heavy truck.

Suddenly they found themselves unexpectedly at heaven’s gates, to the surprise of St Peter also. “How come you two are here?” he asked, “You weren’t due here for another fif...

Asked my grandfather if he had anything equivalent to Victoria's Secret when he was young

He said "No, we had morals."

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Jokes are like frogs

Because if you dissect them, they die.
Except to use the word "dissect" implies the frog or joke in question is already dead. The correct word choice would be "vivisect," which is the equivalent of a dissection, but with the animal (or joke) still alive. Much like a dissection, vivisections are u...

The Cechnyan mob kidnaps two Czechs, two Irishmen, two Englishmen, and two Americans.

A ransom note is sent to each respective countries' embassy, demanding the equivalent of $25 million,or they will kill the hostages.

After two weeks, they receive responses from each embassy.

The English, Irish, and American embassy all state that they do not negotiate with terrorist...

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Jungle snooker. (Long Old joke, but then I’m old so you may not have heard it)

An elephant, a crocodile and a snake met by a riverbank, they had known each other for years and were pals. How about a game ? said the crocodile and the others agreed. Jungle snooker? Asked the elephant. Don’t know that one said the snake, how’s it played? Well said the elephant it’s like table ...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason...

and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.

On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.

The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gi...

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Quality, Not Quantity

Quality, Not Quantity

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Wil...

When humans pee outside

It's probably the equivalent of ALL CAPS to the canine world.

There was once a college math professor

While he was on tenure, he decided to continue taking classes in other subject areas because they were offered to him at a discounted cost. After 40 years of teaching, the professor decided to retire. Over his time working, he had amassed enough credits to have completed 180 different major programs...

Finding love on valentine's day

Is the equivalent to finding santa at Christmas

Today my girlfriend learned about knock knock jokes.

She is from Indonesia and for whatever reason she said "nok nok" which is the equivalent of "oink oink" which i learned later.

Thinking she said "knock knock" i thought she wanted to make a joke and asked:

Me: who's there
She: pig
Me: pig who?
She: pikachu

That was the ...

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[long] John McClane and Hans Gruber sat next to each other in Spanish class as kids at Nakatomi Plaza Junior High School...

One day the *Profesora* said, "we're going to have a vocab quiz, but we're going to do it as a game, make a competition out of it. I'm going to say a word in English, and you and the person sitting next to you compete to see who can give me the Spanish equivalent faster." She turned to the first pai...

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On a remote Pacific island, a missionary is trying to teach English to the natives.

He takes a group of the local men on a walk through the jungle, pointing out various items and telling them the English equivalents.
He points to a tree and says "Tree".
The natives all nod and repeat "Tree".
A short time later they come across a large boulder. The missionary says "Rock"....

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A fly is buzzing around over the surface of a lake...

Beneath the water the fly is being watched by a bass, who is thinking the fish equivalent of “if that fly drops 6 inches, I can leap out of the water and eat him”.

Meanwhile, a bear is watching the bass, the very same bass watching the fly. It knows that if the fly drops 6 inches, the fish i...

Angelic time

A man prayed for some good fortune. An angel appeared. He asked the angel what's the equivalent of 5 minutes in heaven? To which the angel replied 5 minutes is equal to 5 millenia in earth time. How much is 5 million dollars in heavenly currency? The angel said it roughly equates to 5 cents. Can yo...

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"Mmm..I love your cooking darling."

That's the male equivalent to a fake orgasm.

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Proof that Santa doesn’t exists

There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at le...

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A talmudist goes to Moscow...

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist
from Odessa was finally granted permission to visit Moscow.

He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop,
a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young
man and he thought: This f...

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Timeline of r/jokes

Primary Beginning: (Small Community) Decent jokes, good laughs.

Secondary Beginning: (Decent Sized Community) Good Jokes, Very Good laughs.

Early Middle Years: (Large Community) Faction of Reposters have begun to show themselves.

Later Middle Years: (Huge Community) Most of the ...

The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack and the Samsung battery is exploding...

It's like the mobile equivalent of our presidential election!

A man goes to the zoo

He's at the gorilla exhibit when a gust of wind blows some dust into his eye. He rubs his eye to get the dust out and the gorilla sees this and immediately bends open the bars to the exhibit and beats the man unconscious.
The man wakes up in the zookeeper's office and the zookeeper asks him what...

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Three angels are given gifts from god based on their loyalty and appreciation towards their spouses.

The first angel confesses that he often cheats on his wife and believes she would be better off....to be the equivalent of dead in heaven.

The second angel admits that his wife can be a bitch sometimes but still is willing to stick with her for eternity. Provided she stays in shape of course....

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