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Exactly Jokes

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.

I know, because I kept a log.

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



The cost of joining the Roman Numeral Society was exactly $499

They wouldn't let me in because I didn't have ID...

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Poop jokes aren't exactly my favorite

but they're a solid number two!

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

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Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

What exactly is an acorn?

Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.

My point exactly.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day ...

What do you call two octopuses that look exactly the same?

Itenticle.

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

Every summer I get bit by exactly one thousand and twenty four bugs

My wife told me to get over it cause it was just one byte.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike

There is plenty fish in the sea, but until I find one, I am stuck here holding my rod.

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

My granddad died at exactly 3:45, and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped.

"That's amazing."

"Not really. That's when it fell on top of him."

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

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My girlfriend's pussy smells exactly like roses...

But, Rose's is much tighter.

I have a shirt with 120 tiny pockets that fit exactly one mint each....

It's my Tic Tactical vest.

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(NSFW) Much like fingerprints, no two man's testicles are exactly the same

That is to say, there's usually a vas deferens between them

On May 5th I woke up at exactly 5:05 AM.

At 5:55 I left my apartment (apartment 505 on 55 5th St), hopped on the number 5 bus, and paid a $5 fare to go to work.

5 minutes later, I arrived at 555 5th street and rushed to my office in room 505.

After I'd been working for 5 hours, I realized that I'd experienced a lot of 5's tha...

Where exactly are you taking me doctor?

-Where exactly are you taking me doctor?

-To the morgue.

-What? But, I'm not dead yet.

-And we are not there yet!

Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?

They have built in scales

My stomach looks exactly like it's supposed to ...

It's abnormal.

Two men die at exactly the same time

When they get to the pearly gates St. Peter tells them that rules are rules and he can only allow one of them to enter, but to keep it fair, he’ll allow the one who can come up with a poem with the last line Timbuktu. The men think a while, and the first man says “OK, I’ve got mine!” St. Peter says ...

Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year.

Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

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Guts and Balls aren't exactly the same thing

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've
heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
Do they however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British
Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS...

Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup?

Because one more would be too farty.

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Not exactly for everyone

Elderly couple go to a sex therapist. The guy says, “We have a problem. We don’t think we can do it right. Can you advise?”

The therapist says she will watch them make love on his couch and advise them. When they have finished she says, “You both did very well; there was no problem, really...

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

Dad, that coin looks exactly like mine

Ohhh, it's a coincidence honey

What exactly is a "Hard Count"?

A vampire with an erection.

What do you call a friend who sounds exactly like you?

A homie-nym.

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A women goes to the doctor because her butt hurts...

Doctor: " Where does it hurt exactly?"

Women: " At the entrance."

Doctor: "Well lady if you keep calling it an entrance then it's going to keep hurting"

I didn't exactly ace my "capture the wasp" exam.

I got a bee.

My girlfriend is exactly like my mother:

looks like her, talks like her, dresses like her.

I took her home.

My father didn't like her.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked the one.

"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

Why do exactly British people pronounce it "Bri'ish"?

Because they drank all the T.

My older son looks exactly like me

\- That's an example of genetic factor.

My younger son looks like my neighbor.

\- That's an example of social influence.

I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.

His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

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What exactly is sexy about BDSM??

Beats me.

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

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My sex life is exactly like my shopping.

I do it all online.

A classic joke from Ronald Regan (Not exactly accurate)

There are two Russians in the Soviet Union talking to each other and a curfew is about to be enforced

The two men say goodbye to each other and just as they do a soviet soldier walks over to the both of them and shoots one of the men dead

The other man says “Why did you shoot him?” <...

Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

stewardess on my flight wasn’t holding back. telling everyone exactly what she thought.

walking down the aisle, looking right at everyone, saying “trash” “trash” “trash”

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

somewhere there's a tree shaped exactly like a chicken and the locals pull on the branches for good luck...

The whole ceremony is called poultry or something like that...

What exactly separates man from animal?

Divorce.

What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder?

I've heard of it but don't know what it means?

A seven foot tall woman who looks exactly like Al Gore’s wife walks into a bar

Bartender says, “I’ll bet she’s a big Tipper.”

A man in an interrogation room says "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

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Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

A man rented an uber and and the cabbie arrived exactly on time

The passenger said: "wow you are so punctual just like frank"
Cabbie: excuse me?

Passenger: frank is a great guy, always on time, knows the best restaurants, wear the best clothes, always keeps his promises and never ever treat his family badly.

Cabbie: so is frank your friend or......

Exactly !

90 year man: My 30 year wife is pregnant, your opinion doctor?

Dr: Let me tell you a story..
A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrella instead of gun.He moves in to the jungle,sees a lion,lifts the umbrella,pulls the handle &BANG.. the lion drops dead.!
Old man: That's impossible,...

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Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip…

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip, and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up...

There is exactly one pro and one con thing about Windows.

Pro: You can name a folder "pro".

Con: You can't name a folder "con".

I know exactly what’s gonna happen next year

I have 20 20 vision!

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confid...

Exactly 22 years ago Princess Diana was on the radio...

...She was also on the windshield, dashboard, and glovebox.

A particle goes into a bar with exactly 20 km/h

We don't know where it is anymore.

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

Cop on Patrol

A cop is patrolling at night and sees a car parked in lover’s lane.

He knocks on the window, when it’s rolled down he sees a guy in the front seat playing on his phone and a girl in the back seat reading a magazine.

The cop says “What’s going on here?”
The guy says, “nothing at all...

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Two young boys walk into a pharmacy store to buy tampons

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.


The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'


'Eight', the boy replied.


The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used ...

Diarrhea sounds exactly how it's described.

Dire rear.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

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A man bets his boss 5000$...

that he (the boss) has a pimple on his ass.

"No way!" - says the boss and accepts the bet.

He opens his ass to show to the man. The man says: "It's too dark here, move to the window so I can see better". The boss moves to the window. "Ok, you were right, there is no pimple on your ass"...

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

I found ten rocks yesterday, all of which measured exactly 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

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Exactly a Year to the Day

my girlfriend agreed to have annual sex

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

My wife left me because every tangerine I bought had exactly five slices

She said I didn't have six a peel.

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first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situa...

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That's exactly what I said!

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" F
ather: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

I had to go back to see my doctor today. I said, 'I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.' 'Where exactly did you apply it?' he asked.

'On the bus' I replied

A friend of mine sent me a ruler exactly 30.48 centimeters long

That's when I realized, something was afoot

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My ancestors knew exactly when to escape from Nazi Germany.

There were a LOT of red flags.

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