That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life?

Element three, my dear Watson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a bar, my friend made an astounding pool shot.

I asked how he did it. He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

After he finished destroying me at pool, we were playing darts and he hit nothing but bullseyes. I was pretty pissed. I asked, "Lemme guess. A line like magic?" He...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

Astounding.

Walking down the grocery aisles I see orange juice powder, just add water. Powdered milk , just add water. Then I see baby powder and I think what a time to be alive!

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

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My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime

and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause

he'd get would be astounding."

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A man, mouse and a frog in a bar

One fine evening a man, wearing a large overcoat walks in to one of the city's most expensive bars. He heads straight to the bar counter, leans over and tells the bartender,

Man: "I don't have any money but is there a chance you can give me a free beer?"

Bartender: "Huh? No way, don't...

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Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
...

A man is canoeing in the everglades

After spending the day exploring, things look differently then he remembers finding his way back, and realizes he’s lost.

To make matters worse, a large reptilian appears to be swimming under and around his boat as the sun is starting to drop.

At his wits end, he yells “goddammit im l...

Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green ligh...

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[NSFW] A homeless man walked into a piano bar

No one was playing the piano so he asked the manager if he could play.
The manager, seeing the ragged dirty old man refused, but he was persistent and begged
“Oh please just one song, I’m REALLY good I promise”
So he allowed him, “Okay one song, but then you must leave”
The homeless ma...

A friend of mine who was a doctor of 7 years got fired for sleeping with a patient

Really heartbreaking he was an astounding vet

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