What's the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig.

The F

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A computer doesn't laugh at a 3.5" floppy.

What’s the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?

One is a superhero and the other is a command.

(Be gentle its my first joke)

I couldn't sleep last night..

.. because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

What’s the difference between a piano, a can of tuna, and glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

What's the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

I can't stand idiots that don't know the difference between to and too.

There so stupid.

What's the difference between anti-vaxx kids, and kids in an American school?

One dies from not getting shots.

The other dies from getting shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes *ba dum tss* and the other is da bum kiss.

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What's the difference between an American teenage girl and an Arabian teenage girl?

The American teenage girl gets stoned before sex.

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

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What's the difference between my wife and my student loans?

My student loans fuck me with interest.

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The minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won't make any difference.

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?

Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poor man on a unicycle?

attire.

You know you can tell the difference between a boy and a girl ant by putting it in water?

If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant

What's the difference between a boat and a woman?

There's a chance that a boat will go down on me.

What's the difference between light and hard?

I can fall asleep with a light on.

What's the most important difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say "I went through an entire box of tissues during that film".

What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?

There‘s one less drunk.

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What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

One can finish a race

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Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad golfer goes *WHACK* "shit"

Bad skydiver goes "shit" *WHACK*

What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a feather, kinky is using the whole chicken

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Greenland?

Greenland's not for sale.

What's the difference between a rose and a BMW?

A rose has pricks on the outside.

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What's the difference between an untrained sniper and a constipated owl?

One shoots but never hits, the other hoots but never shits.

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What's a difference between falling from 10th floor and falling from 1st floor?

First floor: \***THUD**\* "*Shit*!"
Tenth floor: "*Shit*!" \***THUD**\*

What’s the difference between Middle Earth and NYC

Two Towers

What's the difference between my husband and Gollum?

A ring actually means something to Gollum.

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What's the difference between politics and anatomy?

In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones. But the people of Abu Dhabi doo.

What's the difference between Jesus and a portrait of Jesus ?

The portrait only requires one nail.

What's the difference between iron man and iron woman?

The one is a superhero and the other one is a simple command.

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Wanna know the difference between a boner and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari...

What's the difference between Reddit and Instagram?

Reddit fills your mind with thoughts.

Instagram fills your mind with thots.

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What's the difference between EA and a priest?

One fucks you for free

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What's the difference between a lobster with big boobs and a dirty bus stop?

One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station

Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?

When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.

What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

**The taste**

What the difference between Tony Stark and a vegan Big Lebowski?

One is Iron Man, and the other is iron deficient, man

What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.

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What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?

Your Mom can't take a joke!

What’s the difference between being in prison and playing on a basketball team?

On a basketball team, your guards won’t leave you hanging.

What’s the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani Elementary school?

I don’t know, I just fly the drone.

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

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What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?

One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.

What's the difference between Jeff Epstein and a cell phone battery?

I'm not happy when my cell phone battery dies.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are 1.49 and deer nuts are under a buck.

What's the difference between the Titanic and Christine?

The Titanic only went down on 1500 people.

What’s the difference between my daily life and a funeral?

In the morning I’m awake, but in a wake I’m mourning.

What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?

I don’t have a Porsche in my garage

What's the difference between a hammock and a canopy?

People don't get mad when they learn you've sold them a hammock

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Do you know the difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser?

Depth perception.

What’s the difference between Switzerland and America?

In Switzerland, the cheese is filled with holes


In America, the kids are

What’s the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

A hockey player takes a shower after three periods

What's the difference between a drone and an aircraft with 283 passengers on board?

You don't start a war when an aircraft with 283 passengers is shot down.

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

What is the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?

One is a 'Goodyear' and the other is a 'great year'

What's the difference between your job and your wife

In 10 years your job will still suck

What is the difference between a capitalist society and a socialist one?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man. In a socialist one, it's the other way around.

What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?

You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.

What’s the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon.

What’s the difference in a teacher and a train

Teachers say “Spit your gum out.”

While trains say “CHEW CHEW CHEW!”

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’

One of my good friends would still be alive.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

What’s the difference between a politician and a dog?

About 85 million years of evolution.

What's the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut?

3 weeks.

What's the difference between a pizza and a baby?

A pizza doesn't scream when you put it into the oven.

What's the biggest difference between men and women?

What we think of when we hear the word "facial".

What's the difference between a giant and a stripper?

Both grind men's bones to make their bread.

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The difference between "helping your uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse"

isn't much; you'll be sexually molested in either case.

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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant hooker?

You can unscrew the lightbulb

What's the difference between a Priest and an acne

Acne waits till a boy reaches his puberty before coming on his face

What's the difference between a gingerbread man and an orange man?

One runs away, the other runs for president.

What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?

One was made of wood, the other was Maid of Orleans.

What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?

The number of teeth the person playing it has.

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo

One is a 3000 lbs mammal.

The other is a little lighter.

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What’s the difference between a plumber and the police?

You call one when shit is going down, and you call the other when it isn’t.

What’s the main difference between me and an egg?

The egg gets laid

What's the difference between a bobcat and a cougar?

You ride a Bobcat, a cougar rides you.

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What's the difference between Busch Light and pussy?

Pussy only tastes like piss for for two seconds.

What's the difference between women and grenades?

None, if you take off the ring, half of your house is gone

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What's the difference between a politician and a prostitute?

One gets paid to fuck people while the other is considered a criminal.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

What’s the difference between me and a calendar?

The calendar actually has dates.

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One you see later and the other one you will see in a while.

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What’s the difference between Epic Games and my uncle?

My uncle doesn’t fuck everyone

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What's the difference between a bitch and a hoe?

The hoe fucks everyone at the party. The bitch fuck everyone but you.

What’s the difference between chillin and hangin

They didn’t find Jeffrey Epstein chillin in his cell

What's the difference between a brown bear on a bicycle and a black bear on a bicycle?

Bearly much, they're bicycly the same.

What's the difference between "ooo" and "aaa?"

About three inches

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What's the difference between a blow job and anal? Nsfw

One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.

What the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia!

What's the difference betweeen an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ..."

What's the difference between how flour is sifted, a parking citation issued to the leader of the Confederate army and 45% of this nation's pets?

One is generally fine, one is a General Lee fine, and one is generally feline.

What’s the difference between St. Patrick’s Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Patrick’s Day everyone wants to be Irish.

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