UPJOKE
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What's the difference between Bud Light and pussy?

Pussy only tastes like piss for a second.

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

What’s the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?

Porcupines have pricks on the outside.

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What's the difference between sex and cake days?

Most Redditors have had cake days

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can tweet.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

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What’s the difference between a joke and another man’s dick?

Jada Pinkett won’t take a joke

What's the difference between a jack-o-lantern and a redneck?

A jack-o-lantern has more teeth, and is usually a little a brighter.

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What's the difference between Putin and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself

Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his potions cauldron and best friend?

Because they are both cauldron

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.

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What's the difference between weed and a vagina?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it's good

What's the difference between a warm sweet potato, and a Pig flying through the air?

One's a heated yam, while the other's a yeeted ham.

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What's the difference between Disney+ and Pornhub?

Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

What’s the biggest difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie”.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What's the difference between Republicans and Ukrainians?

Ukrainians defend their Capitol.

What is the difference between an argument with your wife and a knife?

A knife has a point

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What's the difference between your jokes and your penis?

Nobody laughs at your jokes

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What’s the difference between an informal dinner event and a pirate having sex?

One you come as you are, the other you arrrr as you come

Difference between a cult and a religion

In a cult, there's a guy at the top that knows it's a scam.

In a religion, that guy is dead.

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A congressman's son asks his sister "what's the difference between theory and practice?"

She goes to their father and asks "hey dad, would you take a 10 million dollars donation to vote against a gun control law?"

"Yes, I think I can do a lot of good with this kind of money" the father replies.

"Now see?" she says to her brother, "In theory, we are multi millionaires. In p...

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat broccoli.

What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing

What’s the difference between a toddler and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would *never* let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

What's the difference between enzymes and hormones?[NSFW]

You can't hear enzymes.

What's the difference between the people of Dubai and the people of Abu Dhabi?

The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones. But the people of Abu Dhabi Do.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One’s pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter.

What's the difference between uuoouuhh AND aaahhhhh

5 inches

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

What's the difference between North Korea and EA?

North Korea hasn't screwed up as many launches as EA

What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

What's the difference between a cow and a crucifixion?

You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.

What is difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a super hero other is a command

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

What’s the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?

I’ve never paid to have a lentil on my face.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowomen?

Snowballs.

What’s the difference between a gang bang and a joke?

Will Smith won’t let his wife be in a joke.

What's the difference between a Humanities student and a large order of pizzas?

One of them can feed a family.

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Punctuation! Is the difference….

Between

Helping your uncle jack off a horse.

And!

Helping your Uncle Jack, off a horse.

What’s the difference between raising a child and having a pet?

One of them will actually listen to you.

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What is the difference between a tampon and a tea bag?

If you don't know the difference I'm definitely NOT going to drink tea at your place!

Little bit of dark humor for you guys. _/(^_^)\_ What's the difference between apples and orphans?

There's actually 2 answers to this one.

1. Apples get picked.
2. Family tree.

What is the difference between stupidity and genius?

"What is the difference between stupidity and genius? Genius has its limits."
-- Albert Einstein

What is the difference between Aluminum-man and Iron man?

Aluminum-man will try to foil your plans.


EDIT: What is the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

- Iron man stops the bad guys, while Aluminum man will foil their plans.

What is the difference between an aspiring musician and a large pizza?

A large pizza can actually feed a family of 4.

I said to my little boy ‘What’s the difference between Mummy and Jesus?’

He stared at me blankly.

‘Jesus loves you.’

I’m joking. I don’t have kids.

(An original… plagiarise at your peril)

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What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder

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Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

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What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute?

I cry when I chop up an onion

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What's the difference between a cross-eyed cowboy and a constipated owl?

One can shoot, but can't hit


The other can hoot, but can't shit!

What's the difference between a kissass and a brown-noser?

Depth perception

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Do you know what the difference between hoarding and collecting is?

Presentation

What is the difference...

What's the difference between Christianity and Hinduism.

The Bible tells you to love everyone, but the Kama Sutra shows you how.

Edit: better presentation

What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble ?

A dollar.

What's the difference between me and the stock market?

1) My parents are actually invested in the stock market

2) The stock market still has some value

3) People care that the stock market is currently depressed

What is the difference between a scientist, an engineer and a technician?

The scientist does it the best way.

The engineer does it the way that works.

The technician wonders about their definition of "Best" and "Works"

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What’s the difference between an ass kisser and a brown nosed?

Depth perception

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

What's the difference between a pop star and a shooting star?

One's a skinny kid the other is a little meteor.

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What's the difference between a piano and a fish?

I ain't never seen anyone get their dick sucked by a piano.

What's the difference between a race across Asia, and one across Europe?

The one across Europe eventually ends because it has a Finnish line

What's the difference between the Secret Service and the Postal Service?

One protects your secrets and one goes through your mail, and you'll *never* guess which is which.

What's the difference between Chris Rock and Will Smith?

Chris Rock can take a hit

What's the difference between a miniskirt and a lawnmower?

Put your hand under them an you'll know.

What’s the difference between Bigfoot and Amber Heard ?

Bigfoot won’t sh*t in your bed.

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Farmer?

Mick Jagger says, "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"

The Scottish Farmer says, "Hey! McLeod! Get off of my ewe!"

What's the Difference Between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts

Beer nuts are a buck ninety nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck

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How do you tell the difference between a fisher and a musician?

You ask them to say the word bass.

What’s the difference between a dirty public transit terminal and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.

What’s the difference between yo mamma and a Walrus?

One is fat, stinks of fish and has a moustache. And the other is a walrus

I recently discovered there's a big difference between a numerator and a denominator.

I also discovered, only a fraction of people will understand this.

What's the difference between Daredevil and Scarlet Witch?

One knows how to cope without Vision.

What's the difference between comedy and prosititution?

Comedy is where you pay someone so you can laugh at their jokes.

Prosititution is where you pay someone not to laugh at yours.

What's the difference between a Scotsmen and The Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones would yell 'Hey! You! Get offa mah cloud!"

But a Scotsmen would tell 'Hey! McCloud! Get offa mah EWE!'

What’s the difference between a thief and an autist?

We take things literally while thieves take things, literally.

What's the difference between a man who pushes a moving car and a man who pushes a stationary one?

Nothing. They're both exhausted.

What is the difference between paddlers and rowers?

The paddlers: "Oh look: there's a beer garden up ahead!"
The rowers: "Oh look: there was a beer garden back there!"

The difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer

is all a matter of taste.

what's the difference between Paul Walker and Betty White?

Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.

What’s the difference between gonorrhea and diarrhoea?

One dribbles out the front and one dribbles out the back.

What’s the difference between a software salesman and a snake oil salesman?

The snake oil salesman knows what’s inside the bottle…

What's the difference between everyone and bullets?

Everyone misses Harambe

what's the difference between a Taco and my wife?

A Taco lets me eat it before it disagrees with me!

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

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What's the difference between a cheap guy at a restaurant and a worker packaging silicone breast implants?

One's a shitty tipper....

What's the difference between a Sasquatch and a Yeti?

One lives in a rainy climate and the other, a little cooler.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

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What's the difference between a prostitute and a politician?

They both want your money, but only one of them wants to fuck you.

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What's the difference between the flagship of the Russian Black Sea Fleet and a piece of shit?

A piece of shit floats.

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What’s the difference between being in a sexual relationship with your sister and your sister being in a sexual relationship with you?

Nothing, it’s all fucking relative.

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Know what the difference is between the NYC subway and our public bathrooms is?

We don't let the homeless piss in our public bathrooms.

What's the difference between a Dad joke and a Mom joke?

With a Dad joke, everyone that is a dad laughs.

With a Mom joke, everyone that has a mom laughs.

What's the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?

Outlaws are actually wanted.

What’s the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke

One letter

What's the difference between the Bloods and Superman?

One gets killed by Kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight

What's the difference between growing up and becoming a parent?

Growing up is realizing alcohol is not neccessary to have a good time.

Becoming a parent is realizing having a good time is not neccessary for needing alcohol.

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

After 5 years, your job still suck

What is the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls.

What’s the difference between a dark, morbid, and absurd joke?

Dark is 10 children in 1 trash can.
Morbid is 1 child in 10 trash cans.
Absurd is 10 trash cans in 1 child.

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

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What's the difference between respect and an Earth shattering orgasm?

I never gave your mother any respect

What’s the difference between an epileptic shell shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?

An epileptic shell shucker, shucks between fits.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches.

What the difference between a prince and Jada?

One’s an heir apparent, the other, no hair apparent

What's the difference between an extrovert and an introvert mathematician?

The introvert mathematician looks at his shoes when he's talking to you.

The extrovert one looks at yours.

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker?

The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

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What is the difference between thrifting and sex in the backseat of a car?

Nothing, the dress is still half off

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What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?

Guys will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.

There so stupid.

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What's the difference between acetone and Hitler?

One is used to remove the polish and the other is used to remove the Polish.

What's the difference between an alcoholic and a necrophile?

One cracks open a cold one and one opens a cold one's crack

whats the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms

ones a goodyear the others a GREAT year

I finally found out the difference between a possum and an opossum.

Opossums are Irish.

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What's the difference between the moon and Uranus?

I don't want to visit the moon tonight.

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What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

One says Ribbit Ribbit, the other says Rubbit Rubbit.

What's the difference between "Thomas the Tank Engine" and Princess Diana?

Thomas made it through the tunnel

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What's the difference between George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump, and Jane Fonda?

Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

What's the difference between learning vowels and learning computer science?

When learning vowels, it's only sometimes "why?"

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One's a cold-blooded slimy bottom-feeder...

... and the other one's a fish.

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man and in a socialist one, it's the other way around.

What's the difference between a church and an insane asylum?

I've never been to a church.

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