I couldn't sleep last night..

.. because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

What's the difference between light and hard?

I can fall asleep with a light on.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won't make any difference.

What's the difference between chasing a car on foot or being chased by a car on foot?

If you're chasing a car you eventually get exhausted

If you're getting chased by a car eventually you get tired

What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?

You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.

What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

Whats the difference between Hitler and a Nascar driver?

The nascar driver can actually finish a race.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

What’s the difference between a chemist and an alchemist?

Aluminum

What’s the difference between a vitamin & a hormone?

You can’t make a vita-min

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig

The letter F

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

The cancer came back.

What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,500 people.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What is the difference between North Korea and South Korea?

South Korea has a Seoul

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $300 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

When I was younger, I was obsessed with the difference between a sine and a cosine.

As I got older, I realized it was just a phase.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy ask his father "what's the difference between theory and reality?"

Well son go ask your mother if she would sleep with a stranger for 1 million dollars.
So the boy ask the mother "mom would you sleep with a stranger for 1 million dollars?" The mom says "well I guess I would son." The boy goes back to his dad and tells him what she said his father says "now go ...

what is the difference between American and European joke candidates

American joke candidates actually get elected.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?"

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

What's the difference between a double barrel shotgun and a single barrel shotgun?

The double barrel gives you more buck for your bang.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the difference between a kleptomaniac and a pervert?

One will snatch your watch....

What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.

What's the difference between r/jokes and my wife?

My wife quit sucking years ago.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is extremely heavy and one is a little lighter

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

Whats the difference between a Tire and 365 Used Condoms

One’s a Goodyear, the other is a GREAT year

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care

What’s the difference between losing a van and losing a painting?

You’ll either be asking “Where’d the van go?” or “Where’d the Van Gogh go?”

What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?

A 4 year old's favorite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favorite toy is a rubber genital without any body.

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

What's the difference between a stoner and a alcoholic?

An alcoholic will run a stop sign while a stoner will wait for it to turn green

What’s the difference between a Hooker and Jesus

The look on their face when you’re nailing them

What's the difference between "Aaaaah..." and "Oooooh!" ?

About 2 inches.

What is the difference between organized crime and the Whitehouse?

The Whitehouse isn’t organized.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me:What's the difference between a child and a prostitute

Friend: I don't know

Me: You sick bastard

What's the difference between a dirty bust stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and one's busty crustacean.

What is the difference between my ex gf and a car?

Only 5 men fit in a car at once.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you know the difference between a cheeseburger and a blowjob?

Wanna go to lunch?

What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? One walked on the moon, and the other

F&cked little boys

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch, and the other watches your snatch.

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don’t like the Flinstones, people from Abu Dhabi do.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ?

Iron man is a superhero while Iron woman is a command.

What's the difference between a politician and a diaper?

No difference. Both need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a surfer and a horny businesswoman?

One has a wet suit, the other's suit is wet.

What's the difference between psychologists and proctologists?

Phsychologists analyze

Proctologists analize

What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

The prick is on the inside

What's difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drinker

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You cant jelly a dick down someone's throat.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I’ve never paid $200 to have a lentil in my mouth

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and Jean Luc Picard?

Picard didn't sell Data

What’s the difference between dirt and miracle grow?

Not mulch

What's the difference between a bobcat and a cougar?

You ride a Bobcat, a cougar rides you.

Friend: What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad one?

Me: Timing, delivery, word choice, audience?

Friend: Knowing when to shut up.

How do you tell the difference between a Male chromosome and a female chromosome?

You pull down their genes!

What’s the difference between a dollar and a Venezuelan bolivar?

A dollar

Whats the difference between an accident and a disaster?

An accident is if a ship full of feminists sinks, a disaster is if they all can swin.

What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a lightbulb

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

What’s the difference between a mosquito and a hooker?

The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

The golfer goes *whack* “damn”
The skydiver says “damn” *wack*.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the difference between a vagina and a cunt?

I’ve never seen a vagina wearing a pair of crocs!

What’s the difference between a Saws All and my wife?

The saws reciprocating.

What is the difference between reality and fantasy?

In fantasy, if you're exposed to radiation, you become spider-man. In reality if your exposed to radiation, you get visited by spider-man

People who don't know the difference between etymology and entomology

bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

What’s the difference between a flat-earther and an anti-vaxxer?

Their google searches.

My friend didn't know the difference between Minced Beef and Minced Cow...

I explained to him that beef mince is a tasty food, but the cow mince is where you find the best jokes.

What’s the difference your wife and your job?

Your job will still suck after 5 years

What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

One sells watches
The other watches cells.

(NSFW) Whats the difference between a priest and a zit?

A zit waits till you’re twelve to come on your face.

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

what's the difference between a bird and a fly?

a bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

(credit to mr bean joke book i had when i was a kid)

What's the difference between heroin and Reddit?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the difference between a penis and a Rubik’s cube?

I don’t know, but they both get harder the more you play with them.

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One you see later and the other after a while

What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

What’s the difference between a Lunchable and a prison meal?

One of them is usually eaten in a big crowded room where you might get shot or stabbed. The other one is for convicted criminals.

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he is hooked into?

The computer actually runs

What's the difference between a detective and a pirate?

One's a private eye, and the other is a private-ear

What is the difference between lightning and electricity

For electricity you need to pay but lightning kills for free

What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner, and someone who drives a Harley Davidson?

Position of the dirt bag.

What’s the difference between light and dark soy sauce?

I asked Alexa, what’s the difference between light and dark soy sauce?

Dark soy sauce is used in Chinese cooking to add colour and flavour to dishes. Light is an electromagnetic radiation within a certain portion of the electro magnetic spectrum.

Thanks Alexa - you’re not technically w...

Post Brexit, what will be the difference between a dollar and a British Pound?

A dollar.

What's the difference between my Fitbit and my girlfriend?

My Fitbit never gets disappointed in me after it says "I'm almost there!" and then i come up short

What’s the difference between between America and a yogurt?

If you leave a yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops its own culture.

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

What is the difference between a teacher and a locomotive.

A teacher says "Spit out your gum."

A locomotive says "Choo choo"

What’s the difference between an engine and my girlfriend?

An engine can suck, squeeze, bang, blow, but my girlfriend can’t as she doesn’t exist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between potential and realistic?"

A boy asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between potential and realistic?"

The father says, "Well, son, it's easier for me to show you with an example. Why don't you ask your brother, your sister and your mom the same question, and then come back with what you've learned."

"O...

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer.

The taste.

Posted this because one daughter just tried to take her temperature with a rectal thermometer and asked why it tasted funny.

What's the difference between sperm and mayonnaise?

Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of your mom's throat at 30 mph

Whats the difference between your mom and your girlfriend?

Your mom is real.

What's the difference between the Vikings and Finnish men?

When the Vikings came home after their wars, that's when the real drinking began. But when a Finnish man comes home after drinking, that's when the real war begins.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People who don't know the difference between "burro" and "burrow"

Don't know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground.

What's the difference between a boomerang and a stick of wood ?

With the boomerang you can spare yourself the dog.

What's the Difference between a Casino and a Strip Club

You actually have a chance of getting screwed at the casino.