What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A computer doesn't laugh at a 3.5" floppy.

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.

In a religion that person is dead.

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

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What's the difference between three cocks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

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Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?

Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?

Outlaws are Wanted...

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law

A great lawyer knows the judge..

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

What’s the difference between the president of Ukraine, and the president of the United States?

The president of Ukraine is a comedian, the president of the United States is a joke.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it

I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.

There so stupid

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can’t unscrew a pregnant woman.

Difference between Catholic and Baptist

A Catholic will say Hi when they see you at the liquor store.

How do you tell the difference between a boy ghost and a girl ghost?

Their booooobs.

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What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler.

Usain Bolt can finish a race

What’s the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts?

One is under a dollar, the other’s under a Buck.

What’s the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew?

One comes back from camp

What's the difference between a sentence and a cat?

A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws

What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?

Screw is what my dad did before I was born.

Bolt is what he did after I was born.

What's the difference between falling from the 1st floor and falling from the 11th floor?

The 11th goes:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

CRASH!



And the 1st goes:

CRASH!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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What's the difference between a spicy curry and a catholic priest?

The curry at least waits 20 minutes before destroying your ass.

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What's the difference between a Twix and a dick?

Try eating a Twix sometime.

What’s the difference between catholic priests and pimples?

Pimples doesn’t come on young boys faces until they are in their teens.

What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?

Snowballs

What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

What's the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?

For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.

It has been proven that Greta Thunberg is making a real difference to climate change

Every time she comes on the TV approximately 1 million people switch it off

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes

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Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.

Apparently there’s a vas deferens

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What's the difference between a 2 and a 9?

A sexual harassment charge

The Difference Between Heaven And Hell

In Heaven ...

The British are the police
The French are the cooks
The Swiss are the government
The Italians are the lovers
The Germans are the mechanics

In Hell ...

The British are the cooks
The French are the government
The Swiss are the lovers
The It...

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What's the difference between red and green?

Nothing if you're a cyclist cunt.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging

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What's the difference between Epstein and Hitler?

Hitler killed himself

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What’s the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke

(This one almost got me fired from my job after using it to take a piss out of a co-worker)

What's the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did yo...

What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste.

The difference between a freshman girls cross country team and a litter of baby foxes?

One is a bunch of cunning little runts...

Do u know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone ?

Can’t hear a vitamin

What is the difference between the US and your fingers?

You can count on your fingers.

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do

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NSFW: Whats the difference between santa and jews?

Santa comes down the chimney.

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What's the difference between a prostitute and the American health system?

Nothing. They both f*ck around with you and do absolutely nothing unless you pay them.

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What's the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA

What's the difference between taxes and my uncle

At least my uncle takes me out to dinner

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What is the difference between Mount Everest and a giant cock?

Whether you choke when reaching the top or the base

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What’s the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhoea?

One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits

What's the difference between the devil and someone who laughs but doesn't upvote?

One unleashed pain and misery, the other one isn't real

What's the difference between a queen and a king sized bed?

A king is slightly larger but a queen may move as far as it can in any direction.

What's the difference between Cologne and Perfume?

Tssp tssp vs. Shhh shhh

What's the difference between calling your boss or calling an annoying relative

With the boss, you get paid to listen to their nonsense

Whats the difference between a nuclear-ravaged wasteland and Hong Kong?

The amount Xi has been drinking.

What's the difference between a wife and a vacuum cleaner? [NSFW]

The vacuum still sucks after a year.

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What is the difference between a cult and a religion?

In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.

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What’s the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul?

Hitler respected the Japanese

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

One checks the family tree and the other checks the family bush.

What’s the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot.

Guys will actually look for a golf ball

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(NSFW) What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

You can't peanut butter a dick into your girlfriend's asshole.

Do you know the difference between americans and computers?

americans don't have trouble-shooting

What’s the difference between an epileptic clam shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?

The clam shucker shucks between fits.

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One's pretty heavy, and the other one's a little lighter.

What is the difference between a woman in a church and a woman in her bath?

The woman in a church has her soul full of hope whereas the woman in her bath has her hole full of soap.

How do you tell the difference between ravens and crows.

The long straight tail feathers on these birds are called pinions. Crows are known to have 7 pinions, while ravens have 8. So the difference between a raven and a crow is a matter of a pinion.

What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer?

The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

What’s the difference between a piano, a can of tuna, and glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna

What’s the difference between bad karma and good karma?

You get bad karma from stealing other people’s belongings. You get Reddit karma from stealing other people’s jokes.

What’s the difference between a Necrophiliac and a Necromancer?

Flowers...

What's the difference between a Pizza and a Lib-arts degree?

A pizza is able to feed an entire family.

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What is the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?

One will make your day and the other will make your hole weak

My friend asked me if I knew the difference between table tennis and ping pong

I said yeah, ones what it looks like ones what it sounds like

What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

I didn’t listen to an enzyme last night.

Whats the difference between a dairy farm and a McDonalds.

You’ll get arrested if you try to milk the cows at McDonalds.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $10 to have a garbanzo bean on my face

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!

And if you marry a wife who likes shopping you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

As a non-English speaker, this is how I remember the difference between niece & nephew.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doc: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

Woman : Oh no! Not my brother! He'...

What is the difference between a yoghurt and the United States?

If you leave a yoghurt standing for 240 years there's going to develop a culture on it.

What's the difference between 2% milk, whole milk and a pack of cigarettes?

I don't know my father didn't get home from the store yet.

What’s the difference between a chick pea and a snap pea ?

I’ve never had a snap pea on my face before.

What's the difference between Venice and the Lost City of Atlantis?

I guess about two or three years.

What's the difference between a magician and a rapper?

A magician will disappear, while a rapper will diss-a-peer.

What’s the difference between me and eggs?

Eggs get laid

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a cat fish?

One is a slimy bottom feeder and the other one is a fish.

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

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What's the difference between a computer and sex?

In computer, software goes into the hardware but in sex, hardware goes into the software.

What’s the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne comes on a child after they’re 12.

What’s the differences between your wife and Mark Zuckerberg?

Mark Zuckerberg knows more about you.

What is the difference between AC and DC?

AC Hertz more.

What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Sam ate his own lunch after school.

Sam ate his own colon after school.

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[NSFW] whats the difference between a tyre and 365 blowjobs?

One is a goodyear and one is a fucking amazing year!

What is the difference between reddit and a homeplate umpire?

One pitches lefty views, and the other views lefty pitches.

What is the difference between Disney and brazzer?

Disney teaches you how to hate your step mom while Brazzer teaches you how you can show your love.

What's the difference between a chicken and a pregnant woman?

You can't debone a pregnant woman.

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What's difference between excess and surplus? [NSFW]

Excess: The part of the boob which does't fit in your mouth


Surplus: The second boob

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a *great* year.

What's the difference between a for-profit school and a for-profit prison?

You have to buy your lunch at school.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *wack* “darn”

A skydiver goes “darn” *wack*

What's the difference between a capitalist world and a socialist one?

In the first, man exploits man. In the second, it's the other way around.

What’s the difference between a pimp and a gardener?

You really shouldn’t ask a pimp for a vegetable.

I hate it when someone doesn’t know difference between to and too

Its just two annoying.

Difference between a jewler and a jailor

One sells watches
One watches cells

What's the difference between sailors and gluttons?

One worries about pirates while the other worries about pie rates!

what's the difference between a ball and a prince?

one is thrown in the air and the other is heir to the throne.

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What's the difference between Coors Light and having sex in a canoe?

Nothing. They're both fucking close to water

What’s the difference between terrorism and democracy?

Whether the United States is attacking or being attacked.

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What's the difference between a fashion statement and being horny in WWI?

One's a French Tuck and the other's a...

What is the difference between a normal blow up doll and an Arabian blow up doll?

Arabian ones blow themselves up.

What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a baby?

a bowling ball doesn’t scream when its rolled down the aisle

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

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What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

You can't empty a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

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