What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

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What's the difference between a clitoris and Budweiser?

A clitoris only tastes like piss for a minute.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.



PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.

What’s the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

The position of the dirtbag.

What's the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine??

With the porcupine the pricks are on the outside!!

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

It depends on whether you'll see them later or in a while.

What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?

One does not simply walk into Mordor

What's the difference between Taxes and Texas?

Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

A Hippo is really heavy and a Zippo is a *little* lighter.

What's the difference between a Coral Reef and Tienenman Square?

One's full of crustaceans and one's full of crushed Asians.

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What’s the difference between how daredevils and porn actresses become famous?

Daredevils get famous because of their cunning stunts.

(I thought that one up myself)

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What's the difference between normal sex and anal sex?

Normal sex can make your day, anal sex can make your hole weak.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch...

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

What's the difference between Romeo & Juliet and Covid?

One is a Verona crisis. The other's a Corona virus.

How can you tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?

By their seasoning.

What‘s the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it will grow a culture.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time…' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this…'

What's the difference between a Taliban fighter and an Afghan child?

Don't ask me, I just pilot the drone.

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What's the difference between a prostitute and a politician?

A politician won't fuck you if you're rich.

People who don't understand the difference between...

People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.

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What's the difference between Trump and Hitler?

Hitler had the decency to kill himself after he lost.

What's the difference between a boy clock and a girl clock?

A boy clock goes "tick tock, tick tock, tick tock" and a girl clock just tocks...and tocks...and tocks.

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What's the difference between COVID and Karen?

One's a contagion, the other's an aging cunt.

What’s the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad” And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

The difference between a man and a woman's friends.

A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.

The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

To get her back he did not come home the next night....

What’s the difference between taxes and Texas?

At no point have my taxes ever been frozen.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants...?

One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.

What’s the difference between a Redditor and egg?

An egg gets laid

What's the difference between pizza and your opinion

I asked for the pizza

What's the difference between a pen and life

Pen has a point.

What's the difference between me and my birthday cake?

My cake gets blowed atleast once a year

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

What’s the difference between Christ and an oil painting?

It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

This joke nearly got me kicked out of the choir.

What is the difference between a Garbanzo bean and a Chickpea?

I've never had a Garbanzo bean on my face.

What's the difference between a hooker and an actress?

I don't think that's a very good defense mr weinstein

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What's the difference between a chronic masturbator and a metronome?

One is a beat meter and the other is a meat beater.

What's the difference between the government and a banjo?

You can fix a banjo.

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What's the difference between a joke and 5 dicks?

Your mother can't take a joke.

What's the difference between an American and a computer?

An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.

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What's the difference between a conversation and a vagina?

Nothing, I can slide in and out of both of them

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What’s the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?

A bad lawyer will fuck you, but a good lawyer will get you off

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What’s the difference between a cunt and my ex-wife?

Just the spelling

What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a stoner?

The alcoholic will run the stop sign. The stoner will wait for it to turn green.

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What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can actually finish a race.

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are about a buck fifty and deer nuts are under a buck.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

What’s the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night?

Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.

Horror night is...

when your teddy bear hugs you BACK.

What is the difference between a $200 wine and a $20 wine

$180

What's the difference between Jesus and a photo of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the photo.

What's the difference between rain and a shower?

Consent

Whats the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne waits till you're 13 before coming on your face.

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What’s the difference between a prostitute and a politician?

One fucks you, and the other is a sex worker.

What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute.

What’s the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 40 pounds.

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

Daytime drinking

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What’s the difference between a male pornstar and a police officer?

A pornstar tells you when he’s about to bust in your back door and unload

What's the difference between the universe and a German Autobahn (highway)?

The universe has a speed limit

What is the difference between a bee from the UK and a bee from the US?

A UK bee carries pollen, the latter carries data.

What’s the difference between cake and pie?

π r². Cakes are round.

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What's the difference between a lemur and a Beamer?

Lemurs have an asshole on the outside.

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman..

Snow balls

What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

I don’t know and I don’t care

what's the difference between my computer and Paul walker.

I care when my computer crashes.

What’s the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a richly-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

What’s the difference between hockey players and hippie chicks?

Hockey players shower after three periods

What's the difference between a homeless man and a boat captain?

One has a boat.

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What is the difference between jam and jelly?

Jam is made from whole or cut up pieces of fruit with sugar.

Jelly is made from only the fruit juice and sugar.

Did you think I was going to say "I can't Jelly my dick up your ass"?

What's the difference between a lady in a church and a lady in a bathtub?

One has a soul full of hope, the other has a hole full of soap.

What's the difference between a Yacht and a Boat?

$100 Million Dollars

What’s the difference between an enzyme a hormone?

You can’t hear an enzyme.

What's the difference between Biggie Smalls and Charlie Chaplin?

One rocked the mic and the other mocked the Reich.

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What’s the difference between Ted Cruz and a 300lb piece of festering shit filled with corn?

The corn.

What is the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?

One is a superhero and the other is a command.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The look on their face when you’re nailing them

Do you know the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

The washing machine can only handle one load at a time.

What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face?

One is bugging a slug.
The other is slugging a bug

What’s the difference between Ooh and Aah?

About 3 inches

What's the difference between Julius Caesar and a dominatrix?

He said "I came, I saw, I conquered."

She said "I saw, I conquered, I came."

What's the difference between an SUV and a golf ball?

>!Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball!<

What's the difference between an airplane and your ex?

The airplane carries less baggage.

What is the difference between a Peach and a Orange?

You can't imorange a Peach but you can impeach an Orange.

How do you tell the difference between a female and male ant?

A girl ant sinks in water.

A buoyant floats.

What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

The difference between capitalizing and not capitalizing is

Using chemicals to remove the polish and using chemicals to remove the Polish.

What’s the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?

You only need to punch instructions into a drum machine once.

How do you tell the difference between a chemis and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south?

Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

What’s the difference between a mirage and a Tinder date?

One is an optic illusion the other an optic disillusion.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?

People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.

A huge difference

There is a huge difference between when a man or a woman say "I went through a whole box of Kleenex watching that movie"

What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out

What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab?

A cop ejects shells much more often

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What's the difference between cat shit and human shit?

That's not cat shit running down my leg right now

What's the difference between God and alcohol?

Proof.

What’s the difference between a pie and a cobbler?

One’s a dessert and the other makes shoes.

What’s the difference between school and prison?

In school your afraid of the work that’s hard. In prison your afraid of the inmates that are hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband just explained the difference between me and a chicken coop

You can't put three cocks in a chicken coop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a bag of Doritos and a prostitute?

Prostitutes aren't Frito-Lay.

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

What's the difference between a woman and a baked potato?

With a baked potato, you poke it BEFORE you eat it.

What's the difference between raping and rapping?

Where you put the pp.

What's the difference between pie and cake?

πr^2, but cake are round.

yup, waited about 4 months to post this.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a Jet Engine?

The jet engine stops whining when it gets to Florida.

What’s the difference between a Stoat and a Weasel

A weasel is weasely recognised whereas a Stoat is stoatally different

What's the difference between a piano and a fish?

You can tune a piano, but you cant tuna fish.

What's he difference between Robin Hood and Robinhood?

Robin Hood is apt to steal while Robinhood is app to steal.

What’s the difference between a beetroot and an egg?

You can beat an egg but you can’t beat a root

Some people say the difference between animals and humans is that animals never go to war.

They've never heard of Eric Burdon.

Whats the difference between Capitol and Area 51 raid?

People were not stupid enough to actually go inside of Area 51.

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato?

One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a roach and a cockroach?

One of them's a little dick.

What is the difference between in-laws and out-laws?

Out-laws are wanted

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What's the difference between a prostitute and Miracle Whip?

Miracle Whip is the bread spread, and a prostitute just spreads for bread.

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What's the difference between a therapist and a sex offender

The space bar

what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

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What’s the difference between a 9 volt battery and an ass hole.

You know you shouldn’t but you still want to put your tongue on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

A prostitute can sell her crack and use it again

Do you know the difference between a toilet and a pan?

If you clicked to see the answer don’t ever ask me to eat at your place.

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four

What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference?

One is The Taming of the Shrew.

The other is the shaming of the true.

NSFW What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting. Swallowing. Gargling.

What is the difference between a hockey mom & a pit bull?

Pit bulls are intelligent and loving.

What's the difference between Academia and Macadamia?

Nothing, they're both nuts.

What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a panicked chicken and the US/UK/Brazil response to Covid?

One's a flustered cluck...

>!The other's a clusterfuck!!<

What's the difference between cults and the Church of Scientology?

Cults have charismatic leaders.

What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?

We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

What’s the difference between science and religion?

Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

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