UPJOKE
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Absolute Jokes

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

What's literally the absolute worst thing in the whole world?

Exaggeration.

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and hea...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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I absolutely HATE online porn!

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

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Poop jokes aren't my absolute favorite kinds of jokes.

But they're a solid #2.

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...

But he never made it as a wise man

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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the st...

In a recent laboratory accident, a technician was frozen to absolute zero

but he's 0k now.

A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

Fasting isn't expected of Muslims until they reach puberty. This means that absolutely all Muslim children...

...grow up to fast

What is the absolute best universal safe word?

"Meatloaf"

It immediately says "I would do anything for love...but I won't do THAT!"

What’s the absolute value of zero?

lol

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My best friend is a professional one-handed swimmer but an absolute showoff!

Just finish the race for fuck sake! nobody cares how many times you can swim in a circle.

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A man who was absolutely obsessed with trains one day finally stole one and immediately crashed it, killing several people on board.

At the trial, he is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before facing his death sentence, he's offered one last meal, and requests a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch... but nothing ha...

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I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

What do you call a fish that absolutely loves washing itself?

Cod in a bath romance

I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us.

My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.

A good-natured conspiracy theorist wakes up and realizes that he's died in his sleep and gone to heaven...God appears and says "welcome my son, as a reward for your virtuous life, I can answer one question for you about any topic you'd like with absolute certainty..."

The man thinks for a second and asks God "who actually killed JFK?"

God's eyes roll back in to his head for a minute while he scours the divine historical record. After a moment, he returns to normal and says "Lee Harvey Oswald."

The man replies "Wow! This goes way deeper than I though...

My veterinarian says my dog has an absolutely adorable disease.

She has a cute pancreatitis.

*Update:* This is somewhat real. My dog went into the dog hospital last night. She's doing a little better today and she will probably make it. I had to joke because this is a tough ride to take without it.

*Update* My dog is home now. She's we...

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An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

I went to a great restaurant the other day -- it has absolute best brats, franks, and other sausages I've ever had!

It was literally the wurst place in town.

My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero...

At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.

What do you call an absolutely bizarre match on a dating site?

A tinder surprise egg

Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming

they were promised a storm...

...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.

I'm here all week.

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Both my close friend are absolute bums, but it's great

because I'm an asshole.

Sometimes I just absolutely need a drink before dinner.

It's an imperitif.

Today I saw this absolutely stunning color that I've never seen before! It was indescribable, but when I blinked, it disappeared.

I guess it was just a pigment of my imagination.

A really good bowel movement may not be the absolute greatest thing in the world

But it's a solid #2.

if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken.

Gonorrhea

3. People who have absolutely no idea.

There are two kinds of people in the world;

1. People who know how to make a list properly.

I absolutely hate my job at the can crushing facility.

It's soda pressing.

Some of my friends loved the game Battleship while the others absolutely hated it.

It was…hit or miss.

What is an example of absolute trust?

Two cannibals doing 69

An absolute point in time was just undone

As reality started collapsing, the heroes struggled to stop it but couldn't figure out what was the reason behind it. Even Dr Strange furiously searched for the source of this calamity until a young sorcerer apprentice Ned started yelling.

"I found it! I found out what was the absolute point"...

I was absolutely furious with my son when he came home with a sofa and two chairs…

I’ve told him never to accept suites from strangers

A joke so absolutely filthy I can't put it in the title

Rio Olympics

(My 4 year old finds this absolutely hilarious) Why was the cow wearing headphones?

So he can listen to mooosic!

I absolutely hate donating blood. As soon as you walk through the door you get bombarded with questions.

I absolutely hate when they ask
“Where did you get it?”
“Why is it in a bucket?”

I’ve been having a lot of difficulty sleeping recently, but I’ve started taking an absolute wonder drug…

It’s called MDMA, I still don’t sleep but now I feel great about it!

It absolutely bothers me when some attention seeking people make posts and comments indicating that it's it their cake day just so that people wish them.

I'm just glad I'm not one of those people

My wife's an absolute treasure....

By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

I absolutely adore alliteration.

Amateurs aren't aware of it's awesomeness.

I went to a faith healing session at the local community centre last night but it was absolute rubbish.

Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out.

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A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun.
The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun.
The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," ...

Absolutely loved Malcolm in the Middle. Such a great show.

Not like it’s super sad sequel, Malcom’s Now The Oldest

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Whoever closed last night did an absolute shit job of cleaning and prepping for tomorrow

I hate working from home

What's an absolutely fail-proof way to make a Redditor curious?

[removed]

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Absolutely NO FUCKING WAY Trump's really COVID positive.

You can't get sick from a hoax.

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "The book I borrowed last week was just awful. It had absolutely no plot, and the vocabulary was too complex!"

The librarian calls into the back room, "Hey, we found the lady who took our dictionary!"

Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

He's 0K right now.

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fancy restaurant when a couple looking absolutely gorgeous walk in

"What a pair!" says the wife

"Yeah, the man doesn't look too bad either" replied the husband

I absolutely hate and detest Cocaine...

But for some reason I love the smell of it.

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer"

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

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A golfer is absolutely killing it out on the course. (Long)

He’s playing at one of those residential courses surrounded by beautiful homes.

He nails the drive on the 6th hole. He’s so excited and proud of himself that he guns his golf cart full speed ahead to get to the putting green.

He’s going so fast that he misreads a curve and ends up topp...

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There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made everyo...

A year ago my friend thought it would be funny to freeze himself to absolute zero.

He’s 0k now.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but also imaginary.

My friend asked me if you absolutely had to get stabbed somewhere to save someone's life, where would it be?

I answered, "in the hospital probably"

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I ordered a silver cigarette case for my wife online, but when it arrived, someone had engraved the word CUNT on the back of it. I was absolutely livid.

I'd asked for it on the front.

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero.

Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

But they’ll be 0K.

My sewing instructor just told me that I am the absolute worst student she has ever had...

Oooops! Wrong thread...

(NSFW)So I'm tickling my little sisters foot, and my mom goes absolutely nuts and starts beating me up...

Nobody told me not to touch her until she's born...

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Full time car thieves are the absolute laziest people

What do they do all day? Jack shit.

Even though it's my cake day and I absolutely love cake...

Never gonna run around and dessert you

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My girlfriend and I purchased a Great Dane, and now the smell around our house is absolutely revolting.

Every time he barks I shit myself.

One time I accidentally walked into a freezer that was at absolute zero...

Don't worry, it was 0K

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Little Johny's is neighbour lady storms into his house, looking absolutely furious.

'you need to keep an eye on your son', she yells angrily at Little Johny's mom.

'What happened?', asks Johny's mom.

'I walked in on him playing doctor with my little girl.' says the neighbour.

'Oh', says mom, 'Well it is perfectly natural for kids to be curious about each other...

I went to a BTS concert a while back. It was absolutely horrible.

Now every time I hear their songs I get BTSD.

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A man walks into a brothel

A man walks into a brothel one day and says to the woman: “I’m here to enjoy an evening with a young woman. Is this a fine establishment?”

The woman replies “oh absolutely! This is the finest establishment that you’ll find within a 300 mile radius!”

The man states “great! I have a 12 i...

I've saved an absolute fortune this Black Friday.

I stayed in.

Teacher: Whats the absolute zero?

Me: 0 K, Boomer

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asbestos

My grandfather worked around asbestos for 60 years and never developed any health issues. It did take 3 straight days to cremate him, but that's besides the point.

Quick, you have ten minutes to create an absolute vacuum

no pressure

There were two Qanon believers who were absolutely convinced that Trump won the 2020 election

They were traveling together and were killed in a traffic accident. When they got to heaven, God met them and told them that he’d reveal anything about Earthly life they’d always wanted to know. They asked him how Biden stole the 2020 election. God looked kindly upon them and said, “Biden didn’t ste...

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died... God and Satan are discussing what to do with him. God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."

Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted to spend eternity.
In heaven, the politician spends the entire time sitting in a comfortable chair, fighting to stay awake as angels f...

Now, that would be the absolute last laugh

I want to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels before I die. Imagine the reaction of the guy that works at the cremation center!!

Not sure about you, but I absolutely hate cliffhangers! Why?

I’ll tell you in a bit…

I’m absolutely disgusted with the state my life is in right now

Florida. I live in Florida.

There's an ultracryogenic explosive that's perfectly safe until it's cooled to absolute zero.

0 K boomer.

My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation.

I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“

The new book about Helen Keller is absolutely incredible!

The audio book is absolutely unintelligible though.

Baby, you're so hot, you're an absolute 10

... on the Kelvin scale.

There’s this homeless vlogger called Nat Holm. He’s absolutely fantastic and shows you how to get the most out of life, even if you’re really poor!

But for some reason, every time I recommend his show to people, they look at me like I’m some massive pervert, and I have no idea why! I guess people are just so pretentious nowadays.

Anyway, go search for “Poor Nat Holm”. I watch “Poor Nat Holm” every day without fail, and I cannot get enou...

My friend who absolutely loves U2 just passed the BAR exam

He says everything he does now will be Pro Bono

My brother is an absolute idiot

He has 3 daughters and they are Yvone, Yvtwo and Yvthree...

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

Why can’t scientists reach absolute zero?

Because only a Sith deals with absolutes.

While I don’t believe Belichick is rooting for Brady, I absolutely believe Bob Kraft wants Brady to win one more before he retires...

What can I say? Bob Kraft just loves a happy ending.

Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.

Mother Earth: Hold My Beer.

Even if you are absolutely freezing...

You are 0K.

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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The depressed clown, Pagliacci, visits a therapist incognito.

He spends the hour talking about his depression. Nothing seems worth it anymore. He can’t smile at all. He has no wife or girlfriend to share his life with. Children’s smiles don’t make him happy anymore. His loving little dog doesn’t make him happy. He is at the end of his rope.

Therapist: “...

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

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I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years...

Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?

I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero.

He said I'd be 0K

What feels really nice at home and is absolutely awful in public?

Sitting on a warm toilet seat...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”

For 2021, I'm absolutely done with being a chronic people pleaser..!!

......as long as everyone is ok with that ?

My grandfather told me this one not long before he died

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't n...

I find whiteboards to be absolutely fascinating.

They're remarkable.

Ah, Perry the Platypus. Before I begin, I would like to assure you that this joke was absolutely not stolen. And of course by not stolen I mean COMPLETELY STOLEN! *activates trap*

Behold, My voice-changenator! This masterpiece has the power to modify people's voices across the tristate area! Watch as I merely post to my blog, and then any one who reads it is suddenly unable to resist even thinking in a voice other than my own!

When I was a boy, sometime in the mid-90s, I had absolutely zero friends. My concerned mother brought in the neighbor kids for a dreaded 'play date'..

It started out just awful. Everyone ignored me and horsed around. Once they started trying to wreck my moms furniture, I had to take out my secret weapon.

My dad had scored an early VHS release of the last years most popular movie. I could have been the only one in the country with this mo...

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