UPJOKE
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A woman fighting for equal rights got in a taxi…

…While she was naked and the taxi driver looks her up and down.

She promptly replied with “what have you never seen a naked woman?”

Then he says “No I’m wondering how the hell you’re gonna pay me without a purse, cash or credit.”





Disclaimer: I heard this from so...

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Equally Logical - Jewish parable from 1948

A group of Nazis surrounded an elderly Berlin Jew and demanded of him, "Tell us Jew, who caused the war?"

The little Jew was no fool. "The Jews," he said, then added, "and the bicycle riders."

The Nazis were puzzled. "Why the bicycle riders?"

"Why the Jews?" answered the little ...

Not all construction work is created equal.

For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

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In math class. The teacher asks the class a question."How do you give 6 people an equal share of 9 potatoes?"...

Little Boris raises his hand, the teacher calls on him. "Easy. You make mashed potatoes." He answers.

What does 69 plus 69 equal ?

Dinner for 4

Do you know 10+10 is equal to 11+11?

10+10 is twenty, 11+11 is twenty two

I just go into a fight with a friend. He thinks all races are equal, but I think some races are far superior....

Like the marathon. That takes a lot of stamina, and is a far superior race.

And if you thought this was going somewhere else... you need to take a good hard look at yourself!

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

Why does 1 equal 0?

cos 0 = 1

I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones

The equalizer machine

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine, called the equalizer that would transfer a part of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. The father, being very ...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

We're all equal here...

A Very Important Man passes away and goes to heaven. There's a long line at the gates, but he is not used to waiting in any lines, so he just walks past the line and up to the gates. St. Peter looks at him sternly and says "We're all equal here; return the end of the line."

So the Very Import...

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Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

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Men: stop holding doors open for women -- it's sexist

Hold them closed instead, so they have equal opportunity to prove their strength

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

A dad says to his son “Ten times two and eleven times two equal the same number”

The son says it’s wrong

The dad asks “what’s ten times two?”

The son replies “Twenty”

Then the dad says “And eleven times two is twenty too!”

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The Little Girl & The Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...


A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construct...

I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

i just feel like a B+ should equal an A-

just like how an Ab is a G#

I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?

That's where I draw the line.

So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.

However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.

~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~

Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs

...like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

What do you call a C₆H₁₂O₆ molecule that can use its right and left hands equally well?

Ambidextrose

What is it called when a square is treated respectfully?

Equal rights.

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Yo Mama's so old... and stupid... and fat.

Yo Mama's so old she remembers when Captain Caveman was a lieutenant,

yo Mama's so old, when she went to school history class was just one paragraph.

yo Mama's so stupid, she has a glow in the dark sundial in her garden,

yo Mama's so stupid she went to the Dentist to fix her Blu...

Three Kingdoms.

So, there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake.



The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people.

The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair ...

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

A fathom is a unit of measure equal to 6 feet

Therefore, a cluster of rally attendees not practicing social distancing could be deemed "unfathomable"

I'm not racist, i love all races equally

Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter

A man visits a friend in a middle eastern country again after 10 years…

Back when he visited 10 years ago, the women were expected to walk 10 steps behind their husbands, and as everything else would certainly not be customary, they obliged.

Now that the man has returned 10 years later, he observes the women all walk 10 steps in front of their husbands.

<...

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

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If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd

Newton, Pascal and Einstein are playing hide and seek

Einstein starts to count.

Pascal hides in a bush, and Newton draws a square on the ground and steps into it.

Einstein finds Newton first, of course, but Newton replies, "Nope. One Newton on one square meter is equal to one Pascal."

Scientists have determined that one dog year is not equal to 7 human years.

The only thing equal to 7 human years is 2020

What role does Queen Latiff play in The Equalizer?

A vigil-aunty.

The Lone Ranger is Captured by Outlaws

The Lone Ranger is captured by outlaws. They are definitely planning on killing him, but have so much respect for the lawman that they decide to grant him 3 final requests. Upon hearing this the Lone Ranger says that he will only tell his requests to his noble steed, Silver. The bad guys agree. The ...

I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better.

That shows a lack of ambition to me.

Which is why men are better.

A woman asked me, “What does equality mean?”

I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Which One?

Once a shepherd was grazing his two sheeps. A man was walking around and aproached the shepherd and asks.

Man: "How much does the sheeps weigh?"

Shepherd :" Which one, black one or white one?"

Man : "the black one".

Shepherd : " 20kg".

The Man curiously asks,"And ...

Some animals are more equal than others..

One day, a horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the m...

why did schrodinger want a closed coffin?

So he could have equal chance of being alive or dead

1 + 1 can equal 3

If you don’t use a condom

I firmly believe that all races are equal.

Which is why I'm no longer allowed to position the starting blocks at the Olympics.

People are a lot like Vegetables. Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

Given that we live in an era of equality, it is only fair that for every 100 men drafted for the war...

We shall draft 79 women.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash....

Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade

Since school had started back up in September, hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.

There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione's Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.

Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry...

Here's an interesting joke:

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were
beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of
passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to
whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"
Her t...

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Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

You remind me of Jupiter

Equally big, and eats everything.

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I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

The Battle of Three Kingdoms

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night...

All numbers are equal

Long ago in the Kingdom of Natural Numbers, there used to be slaves. The citizens appreciated the number 2 so much, to a point that they would determine one's social class by his/her divisibility by 2. And those not divisible by 2 - sorry, then they're slaves.

7 was born an odd number. That's...

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What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

How do you spell the color that is an equal mix of white and black?

USA: Gray

Britain: Grey

Canada: Grehy

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A woman has to decide between three bachelors

A woman in her early thirties is desperate to get married and goes on dates with three elegible bachelors: One from Italy, one from France, and one from China. They have all been equally amazing to the woman, who took years and years to make her decision because she just couldn’t pick.

One da...

A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:

-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!

His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.

Then, his dad said:

-Now give me one and the other to your brother!

Son asks:

-What about mine?

Father answers:

-You...

Separate but equal is a terrible policy for education..

But perfect for eyebrows!

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit.

When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone...

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

A white guy, a black guy, and a mexican guy applying for the same job......

The boss looks over their resumes, sees they are all equally qualified, and can't decide who to hire. He decides to give them a test.

Boss: Fellas, I can't decide who gets the job, you are all equal in
every way. So here's a question, whoever gives me the best
an...

What can make X squared equal negative 1?

i can

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

punctuality and punctuation are equally important...

i don't want to hear any excuses about your period being late.

Just A Man Shopping With His Wife

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

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my school life sucks.

my teachers are awful and give too much homework, they’re also so mean to anyone who tries to ask a question, and are always taking extra time just to pick on me, just being total jerks.

my classmates are equally bad, being big bullies to anyone they see, always stealing my work, tapping thei...

All timezones are equal and shouldn't be shamed

Greenwich is just mean

A beacon of true racial equality

"In this time of being divided by race we should be more like Jeffrey dahmer, who only saw the color of people as a light pink center with a nice sear"

Do you like math jokes? 2 plus 2 equals 7

Don't worry I only have 3 more

Men and women are not equal

Period

A man goes to a bakery

He tells the baker that he needs a cake, but doesn’t know what flavor.

The baker offers to let the man try all of his cake flavors.

The man tries chocolate, strawberry, lemon, raspberry, German chocolate, vanilla, blueberry, red velvet, carrot, and marble.

After finishing the l...

Equality is at an all time high thanks to Coronavirus.

Everyone is equally fed up.

If 7 equals C and 9 equals E. What does 8 equal?

8=D

hehe

The Supreme Court may decide a case to allow women to legally go topless in public to be equal to men

So far, over 3 million amicus briefs in favor of the plaintiff have been offered.

Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

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I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

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I don't support equal rights...

The left is fucked up too

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A Irish student

A teacher asks the class “can anyone can draw the number 9 without using numbers or words?” An Irish student says “that’s easy” and comes to the board. He draws 3 trees, the teacher says “how is that 9?”. The Irish kid says “are you stupid? Tree plus tree plus tree equals 9”. The teacher says “ok s...

How Newton came up with his laws

A cow was walking. Newton shouted at the cow and it stopped. He formed his first law: “an object continues to move unless it’s stopped”.

Newton gave the cow a forceful kick and it made a sound, ‘MA’. He formed his second law: “force, F = MA”.

The cow gave Newton a forceful kick back. H...

Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer

We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes

All races are not made equal

The 10k is twice as long as the 5k race

Equal pay for women is not where it needs to be.

Whatever Beyonce is making, I want that.


Twitter @caredee

Separate but equal?

A guy dies and ends up in front of St. Peter at the entrance to heaven.

St. Peter says “Welcome to heaven! You’ve lived a good and decent life; we have to find you a place to live up here. Hop in my golf cart and let’s take a tour of the different subdivisions. Let’s start in the Methodist ...

Why are cats and daughters equal in Alabama?

They both lick their paw.

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

Rubbing equal ?

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putti...

TIL that North Korea is one of few countries where women Truly have equal rights to men.

That is that they both equally don't have any.

I would make an equality joke

But women wouldn't get it

We can all agree that segregation was wrong and separate but equal was horrible. But we can all agree it works wonders...

On eyebrows.

When does one plus one equal three?

When you forget to wear a condom.

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[politics] I think Trump settled the whole "tiny hands equals small penis" argument today...

It must take a pretty massive dick to fuck the entire world at once

I heard the White House Correspondents Association is going to give equal time to a conservative comedian at next year's dinner

I hope a year is long enough to find one.

If women are fighting for equal rights...

Then why, as a man, do I get judged when shopping for bras?

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