Scientists have determined that one dog year is not equal to 7 human years.

The only thing equal to 7 human years is 2020

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash....

A fathom is a unit of measure equal to 6 feet

Therefore, a cluster of rally attendees not practicing social distancing could be deemed "unfathomable"

I firmly believe that all races are equal.

Which is why I'm no longer allowed to position the starting blocks at the Olympics.

What do you call a C₆H₁₂O₆ molecule that can use its right and left hands equally well?

Ambidextrose

Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs

...like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit.

When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone...

Dark humor is like racial equality.

Not everyone gets it.

I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better.

That shows a lack of ambition to me.

Which is why men are better.

I'm not racist, i love all races equally

Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter

A beacon of true racial equality

"In this time of being divided by race we should be more like Jeffrey dahmer, who only saw the color of people as a light pink center with a nice sear"

Do you like math jokes? 2 plus 2 equals 7

Don't worry I only have 3 more

punctuality and punctuation are equally important...

i don't want to hear any excuses about your period being late.

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

Equality is at an all time high thanks to Coronavirus.

Everyone is equally fed up.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

1 + 1 can equal 3

If you don’t use a condom

All numbers are equal

Long ago in the Kingdom of Natural Numbers, there used to be slaves. The citizens appreciated the number 2 so much, to a point that they would determine one's social class by his/her divisibility by 2. And those not divisible by 2 - sorry, then they're slaves.

7 was born an odd number. That's...

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd.

Given that we live in an era of equality, it is only fair that for every 100 men drafted for the war...

We shall draft 79 women.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

Separate but equal is a terrible policy for education..

But perfect for eyebrows!

RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our com...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

A woman asked me, “What does equality mean?”

I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

There were three Indian squaws

One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the...

I was fighting with my girlfriend and being an advocate for equality, when she hit me, I hit her back. After we stopped fighting, she then asked me:

“Why would you clothesline me?”

“Well, I found it quite humerus.”

A Native American Chief has three sons by three wives.

The first wife is lying on a bear hide and gives birth to a beautiful 5-pound son.

The second wife is lying on a deer hide and gives birth to a handsome 5-pound son.

The third wife is lying on a hippo hide and gives birth to a swarthy 10-pound son.

So, the son of the squaw of th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear walks in to a bar in Butte, Montana orders a red beer...

Bartend says "sorry buddy, we don't serve red beers to bears in bars in Butte, Montana."
Bears says " that a fact"
"Yup" the bartender replies.
Now the bear gets angry, Yelling, stomping and causing a ruckus.
There's a old bar fly causing an equal ruckus, at the other end of the bar, ...

I encountered a young cashier while checking out.

My total was $4.07 to so I handed him a $5 bill and 7 pennies. Confused, he said, "This is too much, just give me the $5 bill." I tried explaining to him that I didn't want change back. This situation still had him bewildered as if he doesn't understand the basics regarding math and money.

I ...

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

The Island Joke.

There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island.

One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent sm...

Once upon a time, there was a triangular lake.

On each side of this lake there was a kingdom. Kingdom 1 was rich and proud. They showed off their wealth at every corner. Kingdom two was wealthy as well, but was humble about it. Kingdom 3 was in great debt, and was struggling to keep their citizens alive.

One day, the kingdoms started a wa...

Car Keys

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room… it wasn’t there. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is,...

Time for a good old Soviet era joke

(should be read in a heavy Russian accent, any grammatical errors are here to enhance the joke)

Old granny working for years already in factory who make Samovar. But old granny only is normal worker not member of nomenclatura so never earn enough money to also buy Samovar herself. Old granny ...

How do you spell the color that is an equal mix of white and black?

USA: Gray

Britain: Grey

Canada: Grehy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

A dwarf walks into a bar, he's very, very thirsty.

The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side.

He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He jumps up and down, saying ev...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms ...

Some animals are more equal than others..

One day, a horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the m...

The Supreme Court may decide a case to allow women to legally go topless in public to be equal to men

So far, over 3 million amicus briefs in favor of the plaintiff have been offered.

A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:

-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!

His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.

Then, his dad said:

-Now give me one and the other to your brother!

Son asks:

-What about mine?

Father answers:

-You...

My son's music teacher called me "your son is just like Elvis!"

"Is he an equally talented singer?" I asked.

"No", she replied. "We found him dead on a toilet."

What is equally the shortest and longest sentence

I do, just two words that lasts a lifetime *at least it feels like it sometimes*

Men and women are not equal

Period

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A famous magician is doing a show one night in front of a packed audience. All is going well, the people love his acts, until this one guy shouts "Aaahhh, that's bullshit! That's not magic, that's just tricks! Any idiot can do that!"

Unfazed, the magician continues, doing another one of his best acts until the same unruly guy shouts "Oh come on! Everybody knows that's just tricks, that's not real magic!"


The magician, a little rattled at this point, decides to pull out his best ever act, and cuts a guy in half on stag...

Why is zero equal to one

cos 0=1

Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

All timezones are equal and shouldn't be shamed

Greenwich is just mean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 men walk into a pub

They all sit down at the bar and get settled. The first guy to the left leans over to the bartender and asks, “Excuse me, ma’am, can I get a can of olives?”

The bartender hesitates with a confused look, and responds, “I’m sorry, but we actually don't have any olives, or any food items, on the...

What can make X squared equal negative 1?

i can

In Soviet Russia we're all equal...

...ly worthless.

If a person does exceedingly well in the Catholic faith, they become a saint. But if someone does equally well in the Hindu faith, they become a...

Saint Bernard.

We can all agree that segregation was wrong and separate but equal was horrible. But we can all agree it works wonders...

On eyebrows.

Judge: "How do you explain your actions?"

"Basic math. 2 times 9 equals 18"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A longish darkish joke about 3 construction workers

3 construction workers are eating lunch on the edge of the unfinished 13th floor of an office building.

The welder opens his lunchbox in disgust and says “tuna salad again? I’m gonna have a talk with my wife because if I I have to eat tuna salad again, I’m going to jump off this building.”...

All races are not made equal

The 10k is twice as long as the 5k race

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy who can jerk off equally well with either hand?

Ambidickstrous.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't support equal rights...

The left is fucked up too

Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer

We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes

I'm not saying I value sandwiches more than equality.

But my favourite part about LGBT is the BLT bit.

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child

It’s not true. I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally!

If women are fighting for equal rights...

Then why, as a man, do I get judged when shopping for bras?

I believe that everyone should be treated equally.

Unless you drink straight milk. I mean, who does that?

"Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times

But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day

Algebra must have been really easy for the Romans

X would always equal 10

If 7 equals C and 9 equals E. What does 8 equal?

8=D

hehe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[politics] I think Trump settled the whole "tiny hands equals small penis" argument today...

It must take a pretty massive dick to fuck the entire world at once

Why do corporations hire female Equality Officers?

Because they’re cheaper.

I once saw a group of Communists.

They were playing Soviet Russian Roulette. It's like regular Russian Roulette, except that everyone dies equally.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA info and one ejaculation equals 15,875 GB of data, then why aren't we using sperm based hard drives?

Because once the data is released the hard drives revert to floppy dicks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

Equal pay for women is not where it needs to be.

Whatever Beyonce is making, I want that.


Twitter @caredee

I heard the White House Correspondents Association is going to give equal time to a conservative comedian at next year's dinner

I hope a year is long enough to find one.

I Believe all women are created equal

That’s why I am willing to sleep with all of them

I used to think the USA stood first and foremost for freedom and equality...

Turns out it stands for United States of America


ALTERNATE JOKE:

I used to think the USA stood first and foremost for freedom and equality...

Turns out that was my imagine nation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Bangkok became the capital of Thailand

Long ago there was a king of Thailand, and he unfortunately passed away due to old age. However the people of Thailand saw this as an opportunity to grow and create a capital and have a new young robust leader.

The people decided to go to the surrounding tribes and select a few fit young men ...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

I would make an equality joke

But women wouldn't get it

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.