UPJOKE
matchequateequivalentsameequalityequalizeevencoequalcorrespondtouchrivalpeercomparablecoordinateequalise

Equal Jokes

Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs

...like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say a sneeze is equal to 1/16th of an orgasm

If that’s true, it horrifies me to imagine the sound my father makes when he nuts

I'm not racist, i love all races equally

Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter

What does 69 plus 69 equal ?

Dinner for 4

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

Why does 1 equal 0?

cos 0 = 1

All numbers are equal

Long ago in the Kingdom of Natural Numbers, there used to be slaves. The citizens appreciated the number 2 so much, to a point that they would determine one's social class by his/her divisibility by 2. And those not divisible by 2 - sorry, then they're slaves.

7 was born an odd number. That's...

Some animals are more equal than others..

One day, a horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the m...

A woman asked me, “What does equality mean?”

I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:

-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!

His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.

Then, his dad said:

-Now give me one and the other to your brother!

Son asks:

-What about mine?

Father answers:

-You...

The internet has improved equality

We used to have a very mail-dominated society.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Equally Logical - Jewish parable from 1948

A group of Nazis surrounded an elderly Berlin Jew and demanded of him, "Tell us Jew, who caused the war?"

The little Jew was no fool. "The Jews," he said, then added, "and the bicycle riders."

The Nazis were puzzled. "Why the bicycle riders?"

"Why the Jews?" answered the little ...

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable.

For instance, drilling a large hole is boring, but fastening two pieces of metal together is riveting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd

We're all equal here...

A Very Important Man passes away and goes to heaven. There's a long line at the gates, but he is not used to waiting in any lines, so he just walks past the line and up to the gates. St. Peter looks at him sternly and says "We're all equal here; return the end of the line."

So the Very Import...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

The equalizer machine

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine, called the equalizer that would transfer a part of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. The father, being very ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

What do you call a C₆H₁₂O₆ molecule that can use its right and left hands equally well?

Ambidextrose

If 7 equals C and 9 equals E. What does 8 equal?

8=D

hehe

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

Do you know 10+10 is equal to 11+11?

10+10 is twenty, 11+11 is twenty two

I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3.

Because I wasn't wearing a condom.

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

Rubbing equal ?

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putti...

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

Separate but equal?

A guy dies and ends up in front of St. Peter at the entrance to heaven.

St. Peter says “Welcome to heaven! You’ve lived a good and decent life; we have to find you a place to live up here. Hop in my golf cart and let’s take a tour of the different subdivisions. Let’s start in the Methodist ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In math class. The teacher asks the class a question."How do you give 6 people an equal share of 9 potatoes?"...

Little Boris raises his hand, the teacher calls on him. "Easy. You make mashed potatoes." He answers.

What can make X squared equal negative 1?

i can

I firmly believe that all races are equal.

Which is why I'm no longer allowed to position the starting blocks at the Olympics.

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

Men and women are not equal

Period

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't support equal rights...

The left is fucked up too

I would make an equality joke

But women wouldn't get it

I just go into a fight with a friend. He thinks all races are equal, but I think some races are far superior....

Like the marathon. That takes a lot of stamina, and is a far superior race.

And if you thought this was going somewhere else... you need to take a good hard look at yourself!

Separate but equal is a terrible policy for education..

But perfect for eyebrows!

All races are not made equal

The 10k is twice as long as the 5k race

A fathom is a unit of measure equal to 6 feet

Therefore, a cluster of rally attendees not practicing social distancing could be deemed "unfathomable"

What role does Queen Latiff play in The Equalizer?

A vigil-aunty.

My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

All timezones are equal and shouldn't be shamed

Greenwich is just mean

punctuality and punctuation are equally important...

i don't want to hear any excuses about your period being late.

A beacon of true racial equality

"In this time of being divided by race we should be more like Jeffrey dahmer, who only saw the color of people as a light pink center with a nice sear"

Scientists have determined that one dog year is not equal to 7 human years.

The only thing equal to 7 human years is 2020

Equal Rights for Duplicates

Clones are People Two!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

What's 5Q + 5Q equal to?

You're welcome!

What does 36+16 equal to?

A prison sentence.

I Believe all women are created equal

That’s why I am willing to sleep with all of them

All else being equal...

A fat person uses more soap than a thin person.

A English man, an Irish man and an American are stranded on an island, until they find a genie.

The genie explains to them that usually he'd give them 3 wishes, but because there's three people and they all found him equally, that everyone gets one wish.

First, the English man makes his wish.

"Well, I've been stranded on this island for 2 years now, so I wish to go back home to m...

Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer

We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes

When does one plus one equal three?

Nine months later.

Why are cats and daughters equal in Alabama?

They both lick their paw.

If x=y and y=z, then x=z.

Applying the same logic.

If all men are pigs.
And Men and women are equal.

Then all women are pigs.

May the force be...

... Equal to Mass times Acceleration.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia...

otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush.

Do you like math jokes? 2 plus 2 equals 7

Don't worry I only have 3 more

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

Equality is at an all time high thanks to Coronavirus.

Everyone is equally fed up.

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake...

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as thei...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

Equal pay for women is not where it needs to be.

Whatever Beyonce is making, I want that.


Twitter @caredee

In what world does 75 cents equal a dollar?

Canada.

When did 888 equal zero????

When Eight ate eight

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash....

I believe that everyone should be treated equally.

Unless you drink straight milk. I mean, who does that?

I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?

That's where I draw the line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[politics] I think Trump settled the whole "tiny hands equals small penis" argument today...

It must take a pretty massive dick to fuck the entire world at once

I am all for women receiving equal rights

and lefts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today is national dog day and women's equality day...

It's national bitch day.

/r/showerthoughts did not appreciate this. Maybe you guys will.

I'm not saying I value sandwiches more than equality.

But my favourite part about LGBT is the BLT bit.

What did the man say to his sister when she split his toe into equal halves?

Mitosis!

What do you call a scientist who wants equal rights for all elements?

A chemenist!

I believe everyone deserves to be treated equally.

It shouldn’t matter if you’re brown, black, yellow, or normal!

Women will not have true equality with men until...

They have a brutal dictator of their own, that genocides millions of their own citizens.

Given that we live in an era of equality, it is only fair that for every 100 men drafted for the war...

We shall draft 79 women.

i have two wives and i take care of them both equally and love them both equally.

ain't that bigamy?

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit.

When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone...

For every Dad joke, there is an equal and opposite Kid joke.

Last night...I lost. Walked right into it.

Dad: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Kid (rolling eyes): 10...Knock, Knock!

Dad: *sigh. Who's there?

Kid: Europe.

Dad: Europe who?

Kid: Europe to no good. Mom!

Dad: Europe la...

A man works hard to name an interval equal to 24 hours.

so he calls it a day.

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read that sneezing is equal to 1/8 of an orgasm.

So I leave pepper next to my wife’s bed, because she deserves at least something.

Why is there no equality in domestic abuse?

Someone always has the upper hand.

Why did the integer stop multiplying with other integers of equal value?

He was Squared Straight.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.