UPJOKE

### Shakespeare was able to write with either his left or right hand equally well...

He was iambidextrous.

### How is 10 + 10 equal to 11 + 11?

Because 11 + 11 is 22! (twenty too)

### A woman fighting for equal rights got in a taxi…

…While she was naked and the taxi driver looks her up and down.

She promptly replied with “what have you never seen a naked woman?”

Then he says “No I’m wondering how the hell you’re gonna pay me without a purse, cash or credit.”

Disclaimer: I heard this from so...

Dinner for 4

### Not all construction work is created equal.

For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### In math class. The teacher asks the class a question."How do you give 6 people an equal share of 9 potatoes?"...

Little Boris raises his hand, the teacher calls on him. "Easy. You make mashed potatoes." He answers.

### The internet has improved equality

We used to have a very mail-dominated society.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Equally Logical - Jewish parable from 1948

A group of Nazis surrounded an elderly Berlin Jew and demanded of him, "Tell us Jew, who caused the war?"

The little Jew was no fool. "The Jews," he said, then added, "and the bicycle riders."

The Nazis were puzzled. "Why the bicycle riders?"

"Why the Jews?" answered the little ...

### I just go into a fight with a friend. He thinks all races are equal, but I think some races are far superior....

Like the marathon. That takes a lot of stamina, and is a far superior race.

And if you thought this was going somewhere else... you need to take a good hard look at yourself!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### a young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day some builders arrived to put up a house on the lot

The family had a three year old daughter who naturally took some interest in all the activity going on next door.

She hung around on the margins, and eventually the builders adopted her as kind of a mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little pretend jobs to do.

At the end of the w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them...

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs...

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything equally.

The farmers lived sixt...

cos 0 = 1

### The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

### scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

### why do some people say funerals are in fact, equal to better than parties?

Because it's a party to die for

### Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

### Sharing

I stopped at a fast food joint for a meal while on a trip. I noticed a couple old enough to be my parents. The man cut the burger in half carefully, and then handed half to his wife. Then he counted out the fries, dividing them equally. He then put two straws into the soda, and took a sip.
...

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### The smallest penis

*John: insert name of person you tell the joke to.

So three guys sits at a bar.

First one goes - “I have the smallest feet in the world!” The other guys take a look at his feet and acknowledges his statement - “sure your feet must be the smallest in the world!”

Second guy then...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

### The equalizer machine

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine, called the equalizer that would transfer a part of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. The father, being very ...

### We're all equal here...

A Very Important Man passes away and goes to heaven. There's a long line at the gates, but he is not used to waiting in any lines, so he just walks past the line and up to the gates. St. Peter looks at him sternly and says "We're all equal here; return the end of the line."

So the Very Import...

### Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

### A dad says to his son “Ten times two and eleven times two equal the same number”

The son says it’s wrong

The son replies “Twenty”

Then the dad says “And eleven times two is twenty too!”

### Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs

...like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.

### August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

### I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

### I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?

That's where I draw the line.

### i just feel like a B+ should equal an A-

just like how an Ab is a G#

### An Indian chief had three wives.

Each of his wives were pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The thir...

### What do you call a C₆H₁₂O₆ molecule that can use its right and left hands equally well?

Ambidextrose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Two dads, Philip and Mike, fight every day about their respective sons’ physical growth.

Both of the kids go to the same kindergarten. As Philip and Mike watch on as they go in, Mike tells Philip, “Y’know buddy, my son is currently 4 foot. He’ll grow up to be an actor!”

Philip replies, “We’ll see about that, my son is 4 foot one. And your son will never get popular if he’s short,...

### Lightbulb Jokes (OC)

There is a large number of lightbulbs jokes that go, "How many X does it take to screw in a lightbulb?", with X ranging from blondes to bolsheviks. But why is it that the answer never equals one? Grandma knew why: Many hands make light work.

### According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

### I'm not racist, i love all races equally

Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter

### A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

### Newton, Pascal and Einstein are playing hide and seek

Einstein starts to count.

Pascal runs off and hides in a bush, while Newton draws a square on the ground and steps into it.

Einstein finishes counting, turns around and sees Newton, "Ha, I have found you Newton!"

Newton however replies, "Nope. One Newton on one square meter is e...

### A fathom is a unit of measure equal to 6 feet

Therefore, a cluster of rally attendees not practicing social distancing could be deemed "unfathomable"

### Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Three boys

There were three boys who went to school. Ziphanous, Richard and Phenoys. Ziphanous is not an easy name to say so he was nicknamed Zip, Phenoys, was equally as confusing so was known as simply P. Richard didn’t like his name and was called the usual nickname for Richard, Dick.

### Scientists have determined that one dog year is not equal to 7 human years.

The only thing equal to 7 human years is 2020

### A woman asked me, “What does equality mean?”

I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

### I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better.

That shows a lack of ambition to me.

Which is why men are better.

### Some animals are more equal than others..

One day, a horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the m...

### Two kinds of nerds:

May the force be ____________

a. equal to mass times acceleration.

b. with you.

### 1 + 1 can equal 3

If you don’t use a condom

### Given that we live in an era of equality, it is only fair that for every 100 men drafted for the war...

We shall draft 79 women.

### I firmly believe that all races are equal.

Which is why I'm no longer allowed to position the starting blocks at the Olympics.

### What role does Queen Latiff play in The Equalizer?

A vigil-aunty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Little Girl And Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction cr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

### A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:

-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!

His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.

-Now give me one and the other to your brother!

-You...

### This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash....

### "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

### All numbers are equal

Long ago in the Kingdom of Natural Numbers, there used to be slaves. The citizens appreciated the number 2 so much, to a point that they would determine one's social class by his/her divisibility by 2. And those not divisible by 2 - sorry, then they're slaves.

7 was born an odd number. That's...

### Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

### Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

i can

### Separate but equal is a terrible policy for education..

But perfect for eyebrows!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Men: stop holding doors open for women -- it's sexist

Hold them closed instead, so they have equal opportunity to prove their strength

### A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit.

When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

### All timezones are equal and shouldn't be shamed

Greenwich is just mean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

### Three Kingdoms.

So, there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake.

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people.

The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair ...

Period

8=D

hehe

Mitosis!

### Separate but equal?

A guy dies and ends up in front of St. Peter at the entrance to heaven.

St. Peter says “Welcome to heaven! You’ve lived a good and decent life; we have to find you a place to live up here. Hop in my golf cart and let’s take a tour of the different subdivisions. Let’s start in the Methodist ...

### The Supreme Court may decide a case to allow women to legally go topless in public to be equal to men

So far, over 3 million amicus briefs in favor of the plaintiff have been offered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I don't support equal rights...

The left is fucked up too

### Equal pay for women is not where it needs to be.

Whatever Beyonce is making, I want that.

### Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

### Do you like math jokes? 2 plus 2 equals 7

Don't worry I only have 3 more

### punctuality and punctuation are equally important...

i don't want to hear any excuses about your period being late.

### Rubbing equal ?

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putti...

### A beacon of true racial equality

"In this time of being divided by race we should be more like Jeffrey dahmer, who only saw the color of people as a light pink center with a nice sear"

### Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer

We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes

### All races are not made equal

The 10k is twice as long as the 5k race

### Why are cats and daughters equal in Alabama?

They both lick their paw.

### Equality is at an all time high thanks to Coronavirus.

Everyone is equally fed up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### [politics] I think Trump settled the whole "tiny hands equals small penis" argument today...

It must take a pretty massive dick to fuck the entire world at once

On eyebrows.

### Which One?

Once a shepherd was grazing his two sheeps. A man was walking around and aproached the shepherd and asks.

Man: "How much does the sheeps weigh?"

Shepherd :" Which one, black one or white one?"

Man : "the black one".

Shepherd : " 20kg".

### I would make an equality joke

But women wouldn't get it

### TIL that North Korea is one of few countries where women Truly have equal rights to men.

That is that they both equally don't have any.

### RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our com...

### I heard the White House Correspondents Association is going to give equal time to a conservative comedian at next year's dinner

I hope a year is long enough to find one.

### Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

### I Believe all women are created equal

That’s why I am willing to sleep with all of them

### When does one plus one equal three?

Nine months later.

You're welcome!

### Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade

Since school had started back up in September, hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.

There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione's Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.

Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry...

### What does 36+16 equal to?

A prison sentence.

Equal rights.

A chemenist!

### Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...