UPJOKE
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I told my dad my neck hurt cause I slept wrong

He said the only thing you do, you can’t do right?

Everyone tells you that smoking causes cancer…

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon!

My girlfriend got mad at me cause I only lasted 2 minutes...

Including the walk back to her car

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

What's the number one cause of divorce?

Marriage.

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

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My local sex shop has caused controversy.

They announced they are going to start selling Lager flavoured gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their privates in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.

Campaigners have condemned the move because of fears it will

lead to 24 hour minge drinking.

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That's not a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed...

Arkansas.

Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".

Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sel...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

Why is chess so difficult for British people?

Cause they just lost the queen.

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I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed....

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

Duty and Responsibility

The CEO of a large company used to take pride in HR development of his subordinates.

One day he was speaking to his management team on sense of responsibility.

He posed a question- "Tell me, sleeping with my wife is my duty or responsibility.?"

Pin drop silence...

After f...

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Why do scuba divers always fall out of the boat backwards?

Cause if they went forwards they'd just fall in the boat.

How do you cause a panic at a Hollywood party?

You say "Hey, isn't that Chris Hansen?"

Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion

yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel

I went to a website about causes of obesity.

A window popped up that said ‘accept all cookies’. It all made sense.

What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems?

A mirror

I think the Russian invasion of Ukraine was caused by a translation error.

The Russian military invading Ukraine all have Z's, and the Ukrainians fighting back are the "Not Z's".

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman

"What's the secret to your longevity?", he asked.

"Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone."

The reporter laughed. "That's ridiculous. That can't be the real reason."

The old lady smiled a...

Whats the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

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Who is the Boss ?

In an official delegates meeting of a so and so company Boss of that company decided to fire mrs.X in the upcoming 25th anniversary that is after 2 days.

So at the day of an anniversary. Somehow from the inside information got leaked and Mrs.X came to know about that at the beginning of the a...

Damn girl are you a car loan?

Because I’m 10% down and have about 4% interest.

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...

The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight.

And America never loses

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

Three dogs are sitting at the vets office

Three dogs are sitting at the vets office, waiting for what they fear may be the worst.

The first dog says "I got out of the house and dug up all of the roses in my owner's yard, I'm afraid they've brought me here to be put down for all the trouble I've caused!"

The second dog says "Yo...

Why are so many americans stupid?

Cause they shoot the ones that go to school

I’m like a ninja at the gym

Cause you’ll never see me there

Why did the teacher wear shades in school?

Because her pupils were too bright!

A drunk man who smelled like beer

sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Sa...

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

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Little Johnny and politics

Little Johnny asks his dad: "*Dad, what is politics?*"

The dad replies: "*Let me give you an example: I'm the capitalist because I bring home the money; your mother is the government because she manages the money; the maid is the working class, while you are the people and your sister is the ...

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Joe suffers from chronic headaches for a long time.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

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Neighbors pissed cause I wanted to surprise them with a clean yard before they woke up.

Hauled my leaf blower over there for no reason.

My Dr said the prostate exam can cause erections in some men

Turns out he wasn't talking about the patient.

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a big buff bearded man once told me when I was 13 that masturbation caused hair to grow on my hand

I asked him how did you get your beard then

I was surprised when Kim Jong Un agreed to let me marry his daughter

Cause now I get to call him my father-un-law

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

How did Walter White crash the car?

Because he was Braking Bad

Hey girl, are you an angel?

Cause so was satan.

Why was Freddy Krueger late for work?

Cause traffic is a nightmare on Elm Street.

It's 1980 in the Soviet Union

The economic situation is absolutely dire. Leonid Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party, calls an emergency party meeting to discuss solutions.

"Comrades," Brezhnev begins, "according to our projections, within 2 years we will have run out of meat! What do you propose we do, comr...

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss!

Oh and also, I can't remember if I told you guys this but having too much sex can actually lead to memory loss!

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Cake day repost: Sorry!!!

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

Why do hippies like exit signs?

'Cause they're way out, man

I read an article that says "Smoking causes memory loss"

That's like saying smoking causes memory loss.

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Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

I went to the doctors because I was sad I couldn't complete the crossword..

He told me not to get 2 down

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A car in central London was weaving all over the road one night.

A patrol car spotted him and pulled him over. The officer approached the car and said, “Sir, get out of the car, I need you to blow into this breathalyser.”

The driver reached into his pocket and produced a doctor’s note. It read: “This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform...

Why can Jerry fill his car up in the middle of the woods?

Cause Jerry can

I dont often tell dad jokes

Cause he's going deaf

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My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Hordes of foreigners who speak a different language are pouring into our country through the porous and badly defended border in the wilderness and they are going to cause our society to collapse.

I’m starting to think Rome should do something about those Germans.

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Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

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The Drunk and a priest

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a ...

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

“How did you do it?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

A study into the impact of minimum unit pricing of alcohol in Scotland found it did not cause major bulk buying across the border in England.

Mainly because the off-licenses wouldn't take Scottish notes.

How did Angela Lansbury die?

Natural Causes, She Wrote

What happened when a hurricane hit Alabama?

It caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten.

It’s called a wedding cake!

Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident…

but I’m now recovering, I’m all right now.

I can't find a cause for your illness, the doctor told the patient, but I think it might be because of drinking.

In that case, replied the patient, I'll come back when you're sober.

The Oklahoma D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently.

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colou...

A mixup at the gates of hell

The devil was sitting at the gates of hell when an old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork,

and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.



“This can’t be right,” the old man said, looking at the D...

*The parking tickets*

I went to Walmart today, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a **handicap spot**.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writ...

Storm Eunice has caused damages to English Football stadiums

All but Tottenham Hotspur stadium, have reported damages have taken place in the trophy cabinet.

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Word

During the church service the pastor asked if anyone would like to comment on the power of prayer.

Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said,”Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men ...

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At school

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your...

Instagram models’ beauty is so intense, it causes

Reality to bend around them

The pig with wooden legs

A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.

One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind. A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain ...

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."

The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."

Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and...

Alcohol can cause memory loss.

But, it can also cause memory loss.

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The pickle factory worker

Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them.

First session:

...

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NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

Cause its a place to eat.

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

How to get police to show up on time

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He p...

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

A monster party

To celebrate Halloween, the classic Halloween monsters decided to throw a party. At full swing, some of the monsters decided to have a drink and sit down.

The werewolf said, “I can’t believe everyone came!”

Dracula chuckled and said, “Yes, this is a good party.”

Frankenstein’s m...

Whoever invented the teaspoon

caused quite a stir.

why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Cause she's probably thick and tired of it

Little Johnny’s neighbour

Little Johnny's neighbour just had a baby. Sadly, the baby was born without any ears. When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ...

The coroner has released Norm Macdonald's official cause of death

you guessed it, Frank Stallone

Why won’t Dracula bite Mick Jagger?

Cause you can’t get blood out of a stone.

What's E.T. short for?

Cause he's got little legs

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