UPJOKE
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Cause Jokes

Whats the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

They just discovered the cause of the implosion

OceanGate was purchasing materials for the vessel and misunderstood the term "substandard".

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

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I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

Why do vampires never cause unwanted pregnancies?

Because they need permission to come inside.

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss,

what does smoking marijuana do?

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Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

I told my dad my neck hurt cause I slept wrong

He said the only thing you do, you can’t do right?

What caused The Black Death?

The police.

My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

Chuck Norris joke, cause it's been a while

Chuck Norris pull the pin in a grenade, threw it, killed 50 men, and then the grenade exploded.

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My local sex shop has caused controversy.

They have announced that they are going to start selling Beer flavoured Lube that is 6.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their privates in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex on them.

Campaigners have condemned the move because of fears it will

lead to 24 hour minge drinking.

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

Everyone knows smoking causes cancer

But have you heard it can also cure salmon?

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My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion

yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel

I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...

... the first two being politics and religion.

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

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I asked my doctor whether masturbation causes poor eyesight.

He said: “you’re in Walmart Sir”

Scientists finally located the gene that causes shyness

It was hiding behind two other genes.

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Bob felt tired all the time, so he decided to go to a doctor to check what causes it.

"Okay Bob, could you describe to me how a normal day looks for you?" asked the doctor.

"Well, the first thing I do when I wake up is fuck my wife.

Then I take a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, and fuck my wife. Then I brush my teeth and fuck my wife before going to work.

...

What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

adults

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I always wear a helmet during intercourse cause I'm a firm believer in safe sex.

Doesn't help much against the STD's but it sure is effective against the pepper-spray.

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss!

Oh and also, I can't remember if I told you guys this but having too much sex can actually lead to memory loss!

People in cars cause accidents.

Accidents in cars cause people.

My girlfriend got mad at me cause I only lasted 2 minutes...

Including the walk back to her car

Alcohol can cause memory loss.

But, it can also cause memory loss.

The #1 cause for accidents in Georgia is deer.

Which is crazy to me since they can’t drive.

I found out how vaccines cause autism,

Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

How do you cause a panic at a Hollywood party?

You say "Hey, isn't that Chris Hansen?"

Just had a mini freak out cause I realized I lost all sense of taste.

I was browsing the front page and chuckled at an /r/jokes post.

What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.

I went to a website about causes of obesity.

A window popped up that said ‘accept all cookies’. It all made sense.

Children left alone in the backseat can cause accidents,

which is ironic considering that accidents in the backseat can cause children.

What causes arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to...

My Dr said the prostate exam can cause erections in some men

Turns out he wasn't talking about the patient.

People say that vaccines cause autism. That's not true. It's caused by brown nosing.

Because brown nosing causes assbugers.

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Guy goes to the doctor cause he keeps shitting lettuce.

Doctor takes a look and sure enough, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out his asshole.

Doctor is so disgusted, he can't but help tell dude how disgusting it is.

To which the guy replies....

...."Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg".

What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems?

A mirror

The other day I learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when increased awareness of something causes you to create the illusion of it happening more frequently

I’ve been seeing a lot more examples of it lately

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Leading cause of Cancers

Is having sex in October.

My girlfriend left me cause I couldn’t stop quoting linkin park songs

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

Took my chameleon to the vet cause he stopped changing colors.

Doctor says he has a reptile disfunction.

What's the leading cause of obesity in women?

Wedding rings

Instagram causes depression in teenage girls...

...just like everything else.

What causes certain people to become furries ?

Furomones

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says she’s leaving cause of my disgusting habits

I almost choked on my fucking toenail!

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight.

And America never loses

A naked woman robbed a bank in broad daylight

She wasn't caught, cause no one from the bank remembers her face.

The coroner has released Norm Macdonald's official cause of death

you guessed it, Frank Stallone

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

Why are so many americans stupid?

Cause they shoot the ones that go to school

Got any cancer jokes for a good cause?

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is allowed here or not, but I didn't see any rule against it in the sidebar so here we go (Mods, if this isn't OK, sorry in advance).

My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer a few hours ago. Dark humor is a staple in our family, so we spent my visit in t...

Instagram models’ beauty is so intense, it causes

Reality to bend around them

People say smoking can cause diseases

But then how does it cure salmon?

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

What's E.T. short for?

Cause he's got little legs

What's the main cause of Climate Change?

Somebody lit the dinosaurs on fire.

For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...

My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.

Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.

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Neighbors pissed cause I wanted to surprise them with a clean yard before they woke up.

Hauled my leaf blower over there for no reason.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Cause light attracts bugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a woman driver cause an accident today.

She indicated that she was turning right and then actually fucking turned right.

We caused 2020

Do you guys remember for the last few years that one post that was like "man can't wait for 2020 so I can say I have 2020 vision"

... this is how 2020 payed us back.

What causes a pirate to have a heart attack?

Something clogged their arrrrrrteries

People keep claiming I caused a car accident

I don’t know what they’re talking about because I did it on purpose

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

What's an anarchist's most likely cause of death?

Prostate cancer

Damn girl, are you a piñata?

Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.

Caution: Tinder meetups can cause sparks to fly

Don't worry though, they're harmless without any matches

Two factors that cause the spread of COVID-19

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

Why did 7 eat 9?

Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day

I'm sorry

The shrill of a woman can cause a glass to blow it's top.

But some glass is well tempered.

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NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

Cause its a place to eat.

I'm the woman who caused the Tour de France crash! AMA!



Oops, gotta run!

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Q tips can cause brain damage.

Be careful not to put disinformation too far into your ear canal.

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Is it true that dogs have bacteria in their mouths that can cause infections?

And on an unrelated note, does anyone know where i can buy peanutbutter flavoured condoms?

So six was afraid cause 7 8 9 right why was ten scared?

They were in the middle 9 11

Games doesn't cause violence because...

...everyone are too busy to sleep with each other's mothers.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

Hey baby, are you a GPU?

Cause I wanna make you mine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five feet apart cause we're not gay

Six feet apart cause we're not stupid

Main cause of morning sickness found.

9/10 doctors agree it's pregnancy, the other was too drunk to vote.

If you think that Corona beer causes Coronavirus then...

You probably think that the leader of the World Health Organization is Dr Who.

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

I just learned that some teas cause cancer

But that's a Brisk im willing to take

What do you call it when pigs cause the end of the world?

The aporkalypse

What caused the skunk to unload his scent?

Instinct

("in stink" original joke from my seven year old).

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten.

It’s called a wedding cake!

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By then end of my lifetime, I will have cause tens of thousands of ejaculations.

Single-handedly.

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

Studies say weed can cause multiple personality disorder

I think that’s stupid

A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding

I've read it. The evidence against them is damning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the #1 cause of premature babies?

Premature ejaculation

Me: He died of natural causes.

Judge: You shot him!

Me: Naturally.

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

What are the causes of climate change?

The climate changes when it gets tired of wearing the same old clothes.

All causes of death are...

...liver failure

I constantly have to remind my wife to not breast feed our son for so long. She always seems to forget that it causes bleeding…

… she has a tearable mammary.

(Sorry just a random dad joke I thought of today while in the shower. Not a true story)

My son was crying cause his mother didn't let him buy a ps5

I spent the whole night consoling him

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