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Hey girl, are you interested in premature ejaculatiors? Cause

Hnnng, nevermind

There’s no way video games cause violence.

If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me cause I invade her privacy..

Well, she didn't exactly tell me that. I read it in her diary.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

TIL that there are two things in the air that can cause women to become pregnant...

Their legs.

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I was doing some gardening when my friend asked me to go out and have a drink with him. I said no cause I was gardening. He said 'Come on

*BROS BEFORE HOES*

It's a shit joke ik dont bully me

Why did the sperm go to class?

Because I wore the wrong socks today.

I have severe pharmaphobia that causes panic attacks.

I wept openly when my doctor wrote me a prescription for it.

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal in November 2006 at 4:19pm

Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.

Me: Is it contagious?

Doctor: Is what contagious?

Obesity may not be the biggest cause of death...

But it is the *~biggest~* cause of death,

My ex broke up with me ‘cause she said I cared more about football than her.

I was gutted, we’d been going steady for about 5 seasons.

How come HIV isn't a major cause of depression?

Because it's not that hard to stay positive.

What’s the leading cause of death in wizards?

Staff infection.

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Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

I ended up quitting my job cause they promoted a little person to supervisor.

I just got sick of the micro managing.

A guy wanted to buy cigarettes , they gave him a box of cigarettes that said:"smoking causes impotence"

He looked at the cashier and said : "plz , give me the one that causes cancer"

People in cars cause accidents.

Accidents in cars cause people.

What is the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

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I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,

what does smoking Marijuana do?

When I was 15, I was a lost cause

I would constantly get in trouble with school teachers, policemen, really any kind of authority figure.

One day, my father had enough of it.

He told me that I had two options: either to change my ways, or to sleep on the roof until I decided to change. I considered choosing the former...

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What causes arthritis

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turn...

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

French Karen says French vaccines cause...

Oh ho ho ho-tism

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

All causes of death are...

...liver failure

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My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

What causes some boats to become party boats?

Pier pressure

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TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

Ageing has caused me to need glasses.

Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

Drinking can cause memory loss.

Or even worse, memory loss.

What disease is the leading cause of death among potatoes?

Tuber culosis

Sorry for the potato quality

A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God...

" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"

"Ok, ask away," God said.

" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked

" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.

The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes hi...

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My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt



He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

Which blood type causes the most mistakes in hospital?

Type-O

I don’t know if Facebook has ever caused the lame to walk

but it has certainly caused the dumb to speak

My fast food addiction is really starting to cause me issues.

For starters, I can't find anywhere in New York that does a decent cheetah sandwich.

Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.'

Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs.

What drug causes the most proposals?

Marry-Wanna?

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

What did John Bercow say when the government caused a stink in the Parliament, last night?

"Odooour!"

What causes the Dog to groan?

A dog-gone afternoon

I don't want to say video games cause violence...

...but after a month of playing Pong, I beat Rafael Nadal in a best of five match and might be Venus Williams' new baby daddy.

Games doesn't cause violence because...

...everyone are too busy to sleep with each other's mothers.

Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.

Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE...

Suspect: I’m innocent! He died of natural causes.

Police: There was clear evidence that you pushed him off the roof.

Suspect: Well, gravity is natural.

What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

adults

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At school PE was my favorite class, probably cause I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking kids with my towel, laughing at their little knobs...

Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching.

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Headache & testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition...

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

Took my chameleon to the vet cause he stopped changing colors.

Doctor says he has a reptile disfunction.

If you ever want to cause an ant to have a psychedelic trip, feed it Tums

Because it’s antacid.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet

Cause they lactose

Obesity causes a major public health concern.

There’s a growing body of literature on that.

Vaccines are a disgusting evil to society that cause mental and physical deformities. That’s why I’m the proud anti-vaxx mother of 5 beautiful children.

Edit 1: 4 beautiful children

Edit 2: 3 beautiful children

Edit 3: 2 beautiful children

I raise chickens humanely, and I only eat the ones that die from natural causes.

Rocks are natural, right?

What's an anarchist's most likely cause of death?

Prostate cancer

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

Scientists found out that the cause for the California earthquake was not a divine retribution but simply a banana peel.

Your mom slipped over it.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, ...

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

Scientists recently discovered something in the air that causes women to become pregnant -

Their legs

My boyfriend and my dad have the same name

This causes me to mess up a lot. For example I accidentally sent a nude to my boyfriend

What do you call a death that is caused by an earthquake?

Death by Default

No good genie

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wi...

What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.

Why did Logan Paul not high five Ricegum?

Cause he likes to leave asians hanging

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Chronic masturbation can cause memory attacks and loss of ire.

Or something like that, why don't you go fuck yourself?

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

Anti-vaxxer: all autistic kids had vaccine shots therefore vaccines cause autism.

Me: All Autistic kids also live past the age of 2.

My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

If you get an email that says canned ham can cause swine flu..

Just delete it because it's Spam

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

In the early 1900s, there were a number of deaths caused by people putting themselves in and trying to escape risky situations such as being handcuffed underwater etc. People blamed Harry Houdini, but I don't think he was really responsible...

...he was just the escape G.O.A.T.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Cause he drank the coffee before it was cool

For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...

My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.

Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I th...

I found out how vaccines cause autism,

Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.

Saudi is the worst country for tinder

Cause women there don't have any rights

Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?

Cause he likes stabbing things in the back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

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A male whale and a female whale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Boston recently

Initially there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that va...

Learned today what causes high tides.

Sea weed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time which caused a large amount of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he had very bad breath.

Therefore this made him super calloused fragil mystic hexed by halitosis.

Why do people hate repost on this site?

Cause they’ve already reddit!

Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children:

Bedtime.

Shoutout to my Grandpa

Cause that's the only way he can hear

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do

Like fucking the president.



\-Jeff Ross

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Cause pepper water makes them sneeze!!!

You know about that rumor, that vaccines cause autism?

Don't worry, it'll die down in around three years or so.

Why should we make shoelaces out of earphone/headphones wires?

Cause they would tie themselves.

Scientists discovered that death is actually caused by moss buildup in veins, which stops the flow of blood.

This is why Keith Richards is still alive.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods,

until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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Apparently taking too much Viagra can affect your IQ and cause aggressive behavior.

But the fuck I care about some crappy Apple products anyways

Our photocopier in the office is called Bob Marley

'cause it's always jamming.

Three ladies were enjoying wine spritzers, when one suggested they play a game!

She proposed each wife describe which Soda Pop best described their husband in bed?

The First Lady said “my husband is Dr.Pepper, because every night he’s peppy”!

They all giggled!

The second lady said “my husband is 7UP, cause he can get it up 7 days a week”!

The ladie...

You can call me 1929

cause I'm in a great depression

Three guys are walking down a street ...

A rich man, middle class man and a unemployed man are walking down a very windy street with their wives. A strong gust of wind causes the skirts of the wives to rise up and their husbands notice none of the women were wearing any panties.


The rich man turns to his wife and asks her why s...

My wife didn't speak to me for 3 days last week and I haven't got a clue what I did to cause it.

Which is a shame because I'd like to do it again next week.

What kind of food causes you to breathe fire when you're sleepy?

A filet mignon

A man goes to a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist

The woman behind the counter replies that she is the pharmacist, that she and her sister own the drugstore, and that there are no males employed there. “But surely I can help you,” she says.

“This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection that causes me a lot of pain and severe ...

Why do fat people cause earthquakes

Because they’re always moving plates

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

Why are all the girls jealous of medusa?

Cause any guy that looks at her gets rock hard

I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...

The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.

I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"

"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."

We ...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Why is Jesus the best gaming buddy?

Cause he's the one you can always offer prayer two.

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] I think I am allergic to my girlfriend...

Cause every time she touches my dick it swells up.

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my Manager today I could not come in cause I have "Anal Blindness.”

He asked, "What is Anal Blindness?" I told him, "It is me not seeing my ass coming to work."

A carcinogen wins an award

for most deaths caused in a year. When asked what his secret is he replies, “honestly, I just tried asbestos I could.”

I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks

Cause you know what they say:

A hat warms the head

A coat warms the body

But socks warm the sole.

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

What causes black-belt heart attacks?

Karated arteries

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