My girlfriend left me cause I couldn’t stop quoting linkin park songs

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

Finally revealed: the leading cause of death for rats and mice

Research scientists

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say masturbation causes blindness

not unless you wear goggles

So as predicted the economic crisis has hit my local area and all attention has turned to the hardship caused to small business. Its been a simply disastrous start to the week.....

Our bra manufacturer has gone bust.

The specialist in submersibles has gone under.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.

The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders.

A t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it in Men's Health Journal 2006 on page 73 paragraph 4 footnote 3.

Breaking news! A group of ornithologists have recently published a study concerning the primary cause of death among Swallows:

Apparently, they don’t chew their food.

Corona virus enters Russia, but did not cause any illness. Why?

Communism converts i to we


Therefore Illness=wellness

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

17% of car accidents are caused by drunk drivers.

That means that 83% are caused by sober drivers.

When will these damn sober jerks get off the road so that our safety can be multiplied by 6?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows.

Deer testicles are under a buck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

Everyone keeps saying 5G causes COVID-19

I'm getting sick of all this phony news.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q tips can cause brain damage.

Be careful not to put disinformation too far into your ear canal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is mad at me cause I made out with her twin

Like its not my fault, how was I supposed to know. She's like, "But he has a penis" and I'm like and your point is?... Now what do I do? Like I promise it won't happen again

Despite all the problems it has caused, this pandemic has given all of us direction

And magnitude. We're all vectors.

Two Bros, chillin' in a hot tub! 5 feet apart cause they're....

...following the guidelines of social distancing in regards of the recent coronavirus outbreak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having too much sex causes memory loss

Or at least that what page 17 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

If you think that Corona beer causes Coronavirus then...

You probably think that the leader of the World Health Organization is Dr Who.

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss,

Then what does smoking marijuana do?

Elon Musk caused a major scandal today by going on a bizarre rant about Coronavirus.

I hope Elon-gate is not too drawn out.

They say smoking causes cancer

But it cures salmon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five feet apart cause we're not gay

Six feet apart cause we're not stupid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor cause he keeps shitting lettuce.

Doctor takes a look and sure enough, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out his asshole.

Doctor is so disgusted, he can't but help tell dude how disgusting it is.

To which the guy replies....

...."Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

What's the number one cause of death?

Being alive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

Woman driving down the freeway topless, causes a multi-car pile-up.

Tomorrow's newspaper headline;

Bears 2, Rams 7

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.

It’s a little drum attic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quarrantine, Day 12: Excessive teen masturbation has caused zero hair growth on palms. Next update unknown...

...as I will be unable to use Father Calhoun's laptop while he is being treated for sudden onset blindness.

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a new type of weed out there that causes diarrhoea...

Now I can’t decide whether to shit or get off the pot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every once in a while something comes along which causes some people to rethink their sexuality.

Like prison.

If someone offered you $100 cause you're ugly, would you take it?

Hell yes, I'm ugly, not stupid.

Who caused the porpoise holocaust?

A dolphin

George is at his first middle school party but really nervous cause he's mostly an introvert

He tries to fit in but we can see he is visibly sweating, his more social friend, Finn walks up to him and George finally sighs of relief.

Finn: George, what are you doing man? You're sweating like a fountain!

George: Well you know how I really don't like being around a lot of people, ...

My cat some how got on the roof yesterday. He was too heavy and caused 1/4 of it to fall down.

Oof.

Then he fell down perfectly onto the couch, causing 1/5 of it to collapse.

Ouch.

There’s no way video games cause violence.

If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.

If Coronavirus isnt caused by the beer....

Then why do I keep hearing about all these cases?

Credit to Al Lowe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What causes arthritis?

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to apriest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and faceand a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned...

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,

"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool...

What is the leading cause of liver disease in Canada?

Hepatitis Eh?

What do you call a virus that causes mysterious deaths?

Coroner virus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Leading cause of Cancers

Is having sex in October.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the coronavirus causing everyone to bulk buy toilet rolls?

Because whenever someone sneezes, 10 people start shitting themselves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, are you interested in premature ejaculatiors? Cause

Hnnng, nevermind

Damn girl, are you a piñata?

Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.

Why can’t T-rexes clap?

Cause they’re extinct

I just learned that some teas cause cancer

But that's a Brisk im willing to take

Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta

All because of a fusilli people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?

Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.

Revolutionary medicine that cures Lyme Disease, but causes Tourette’s

Now that’s gonna cause a lot of nervous tics

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soliciting a prostitute often causes temporary blindness

All they do is flash and bang, after all.

People in cars cause accidents.

Accidents in cars cause people.

Studies say weed can cause multiple personality disorder

I think that’s stupid

Mr. Peanut didn't die from natural causes....

....he was "a-salted."

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.

"What the hell is this?" she yelled.

The doctor had a very st...

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amore

When you suddenly squeal 'cause you stepped on an eel that’s a moray!

Females call me Little Ceasar

Cause I got crazy bread and low quality meat.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was doing some gardening when my friend asked me to go out and have a drink with him. I said no cause I was gardening. He said 'Come on

*BROS BEFORE HOES*

It's a shit joke ik dont bully me

What is the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in...

Why did the sperm go to class?

Because I wore the wrong socks today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors Visit

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us ha...

I’d love to lose some weight...

but I never lose cause I’m a winner!

Do you know why we use 'k' instead of 'c' in 'dark'?

Cause we can't c in dark.

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me cause I invade her privacy..

Well, she didn't exactly tell me that. I read it in her diary.

TIL that there are two things in the air that can cause women to become pregnant...

Their legs.

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi...

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Cause light attracts bugs.

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

Two guys sittin in a bed

6 ft apart cause they respect social distancing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fat businessman joins a gym... [NSFW]

As he emerges from the shower in the locker room one of the trainers notices him toweling off.

"You must be a new member here", the trainer says. "What caused you to join our gym?"

"Well," says the businessman, "I've been getting out of shape for so long, I realized one day that it's b...

What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970?

Insemination.

Why did Freddy Kruger kill Martin Luther King?

Cause he had a Dream.

Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?

Cause *truants* don't go to school!

(I came up with this right now)

What’s the leading cause of death in wizards?

Staff infection.

Hey girl, are you an AM4 Motherboard...

Cause I feel some Ryzen in my pants.

The Kansas Department of Transportation (KDOT) found over 450 dead crows on I-35 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nursery rhyme for the grown ups

Jack and Jill,

Went up the hill,

To fetch a pill of candy;

But Jack got a shock,

And a mouthful of cock,

Cause Jill's real name was RaNdY.

You know why churches dont have wifi?

Cause they don’t want to deal with an invisible power that actually works


Not original, a friend told it to me years ago.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

A guy wanted to buy cigarettes , they gave him a box of cigarettes that said:"smoking causes impotence"

He looked at the cashier and said : "plz , give me the one that causes cancer"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

The restaurant was so bad it caused a fire that destroyed the world

It was one star.

Hey are you from Dubai ?

cause i want Dubai you a drink.

Damn girl are you a cop?

Cause I want you to sit on my face

Obesity may not be the biggest cause of death...

But it is the *~biggest~* cause of death,

Why can’t a nose be more than 12 inches long

Cause then it’d be a foot

How come HIV isn't a major cause of depression?

Because it's not that hard to stay positive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there were two native tribes who were bitter enemies

One tribe lived in houses made of sticks, and the other tribe lived in houses made of grass. Each tribe had a sacred throne on which the tribe elder would sit and judge his people.

On day, the tribe who made their houses out of grass raided the village of the tribe who made their houses out ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big trip to the mountains with married women and their mothers-in-law was organized. They would go there by separate busses (the women in one bus and the mothers-in-law in another).

During the trip to the mountains, the bus carrying the mothers-in-law had a flat tire. Suddenly the bus driver lost control and the bus fell off the mountain, at least a couple thousand meters downhill. No chance anyone in that bus survived it. Obviously all of the women started cheering up, startin...

I ended up quitting my job cause they promoted a little person to supervisor.

I just got sick of the micro managing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy has a massive headache and its not responsive to any medication.

After doctors researching whats wrong with him for months they finally cone to conclusion. They called the guy and deliver the news. Doctor says;

-Its good news, found the problem.

-What is it doc?

-We need to remove your penis.

Guy looks sad. But after some consideration...

I have severe pharmaphobia that causes panic attacks.

I wept openly when my doctor wrote me a prescription for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob and John.

Bob "Hey John, they say if you get punched in the eye, you get black eye right?"

John "I guess so yeah."

Bob "cool now can you punch my dick?"

John "what why?"

Bob "cause then I'll get a black dick."

John "that joke was awful."

Bob "who's joking?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration.
“You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the test...

Why did the Indian go to the doctor?

Cause he was Sikh.

Why did the general throw a bucket of water over a bunch of soldiers?

Cause he wanted to wash his privates.

All causes of death are...

...liver failure

Drinking can cause memory loss.

Or even worse, memory loss.

Damn girl, is your name Christianity?

Cause I wanna spread you. Whatever means necessary.

What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

adults

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently more than eight, ‘cause my basement is still dark.

What causes some boats to become party boats?

Pier pressure

A friend recently asked me if I had ever known a kid who was going places

I told him that I knew a blind kid who was definitely going somewhere. It was this boy in a first grade class that I was an assistant in. Everyone bullied him cause of his disability, kids are pretty terrible after all. They didn’t care about him or who he was, I’d wager half of them didn’t even ...

A boy walks into a barbers shop.

The barber tells his customer that this boy is the dumbest kid in the world. The barber holds out a dollar and a quarter to the boy. The boy takes the quarter and leaves. The barber says, "see, the kid never learns." Later in the day, the customer sees the boy, and asks why he took the quarter. The ...

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.

So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good...

A man was filling his car up while drinking beer and later crashed

A forensic scientist, cop, and mechanic head to the wreck to determine the cause.

*"He was poisoned!"* said the scientist.

*"No! This was simply a case of drunk driving."* replied the cop.

*"You're both wrong! He crashed because he filled the gas tank with booze."* exclaimed the...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.