What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

Adults

Two factors that cause the spread of COVID-19

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

The bus crash that landed me in hospital was caused by a guy standing up to offer a lady his seat.

He'll never work as a bus driver again.

My boss said he can fire me just cause.

I said he can’t fire me without just cause.

I got fired from my deli job cause the boss caught me sticking my finger in the pickle slicer..

..turns out he fired her too.

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UK reports 22% increase in testicular cancer diagnosis this quarter, despite the NHS being heavily understaffed. Healthcare data analysts are still looking for the cause.

And in other news PornHub sees huge rise in internet traffic since lock-down was announced in march.

Did you hear that a guy caused a blackout at Buckingham Palace?

He stole the Royal Joules!

A crow was found dead by other crows and they began to search for the cause.

A murder investigation.

Husband: Where is the shampoo? Wife: I read that it causes hair loss. So I threw it away.

Husband: Why did you do that? You could have used it on your face.

It was a typo that caused Clinton's problems...

Monica was actually told to go down and sack his cook.

What's the leading cause of dry skin ?

Towels

If smoking weed causes short-term memory loss...

Then what does smoking weed do?

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The cops arrested me cause I'm an expert at baiting and catching fish.

They said I'm a serial masturbater, same thing.

A recent study has shown that Marijuana smoking can cause hypersalivation in some people.

When asked what could be done about it, a doctor was quoted as saying “You can either spit, or get off the pot.”

My wife said she’s leaving me cause I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid

But I know I can stop any time I want

My girlfriend left me cause I couldn’t stop quoting linkin park songs

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

People say smoking can cause diseases

But then how does it cure salmon?

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

Has COVID-19 caused you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

I came home today and my dog peed a little ‘cause he was happy to see me.

None of my friends pee when they see me.

I’m surrounded by fakes.

They say kids in the backseat cause accidents...

But accidents in the backseat are more likely to cause kids.

There's a disease that causes joint inflammation to only white nationalists.

It's called altrightis.

What's the name of a common garden plant, that if sat under for more than 5 minutes, would cause almost guaranteed death?

A Water Lilly.

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After 175 years, researchers have finally figured out what caused the Irish Potato Famine of 1845

One of the potatoes that rose to power was named Richard. He was a Dick tater.

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What caused Tipper Gore to have a sudden sexual awakening?

Improvements were made in the Al Gore Rhythm.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

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Do you know what causes autism?

No you don't. Neither does a fucking antivaxxer!

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A male whale and a female whale are swimming were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father years ago. He said to the female whale, “let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and sank.
...

Breaking news! A group of ornithologists have recently published a study concerning the primary cause of death among Swallows:

Apparently, they don’t chew their food.

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

Finally revealed: the leading cause of death for rats and mice

Research scientists

In Seattle, the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone is looking for a musician/philanthropist to support the cause

i.e. a CHAZ Bono

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it in Men's Health Journal 2006 on page 73 paragraph 4 footnote 3.

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They say masturbation causes blindness

not unless you wear goggles

If you think that Corona beer causes Coronavirus then...

You probably think that the leader of the World Health Organization is Dr Who.

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu...

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Having too much sex causes memory loss

Or at least that what page 17 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

Everyone keeps saying 5G causes COVID-19

I'm getting sick of all this phony news.

Quarantining and social distancing for coronavirus has caused dating to become less distinct

It's harder to make out

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17% of car accidents are caused by drunk drivers.

That means that 83% are caused by sober drivers.

When will these damn sober jerks get off the road so that our safety can be multiplied by 6?

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My girlfriend is mad at me cause I made out with her twin

Like its not my fault, how was I supposed to know. She's like, "But he has a penis" and I'm like and your point is?... Now what do I do? Like I promise it won't happen again

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A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicle...

Two Bros, chillin' in a hot tub! 5 feet apart cause they're....

...following the guidelines of social distancing in regards of the recent coronavirus outbreak.

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

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Guy goes to the doctor cause he keeps shitting lettuce.

Doctor takes a look and sure enough, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out his asshole.

Doctor is so disgusted, he can't but help tell dude how disgusting it is.

To which the guy replies....

...."Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg".

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

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Q tips can cause brain damage.

Be careful not to put disinformation too far into your ear canal.

What's E.T. short for?

Cause he's got little legs.

My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.

It’s a little drum attic.

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The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows.

Deer testicles are under a buck.

Great 1st Ladies of the United States have there own cause. Michelle Obama’s: Your Truth, Melania Trump’s: Be Best...

Jackie Kennedy’s: Take your shot

Damn girl, are you a piñata?

Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

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I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

There’s no way video games cause violence.

If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

Cause then it would be a foot silly

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Five feet apart cause we're not gay

Six feet apart cause we're not stupid

What's the number one cause of death?

Being alive.

Elon Musk caused a major scandal today by going on a bizarre rant about Coronavirus.

I hope Elon-gate is not too drawn out.

A depressed man walks into a library

Depressed man: do you have any books on suicide?

Library staff: yes it’s on the third shelf over there

Depressed man: walks to third shelf

Depressed man after a few minutes: I can’t seem to find any.

Library staff: yep it’s awful cause they never bring them back

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Hey girl, are you interested in premature ejaculatiors? Cause

Hnnng, nevermind

Woman driving down the freeway topless, causes a multi-car pile-up.

Tomorrow's newspaper headline;

Bears 2, Rams 7

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Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

George is at his first middle school party but really nervous cause he's mostly an introvert

He tries to fit in but we can see he is visibly sweating, his more social friend, Finn walks up to him and George finally sighs of relief.

Finn: George, what are you doing man? You're sweating like a fountain!

George: Well you know how I really don't like being around a lot of people, ...

If someone offered you $100 cause you're ugly, would you take it?

Hell yes, I'm ugly, not stupid.

My cat some how got on the roof yesterday. He was too heavy and caused 1/4 of it to fall down.

Oof.

Then he fell down perfectly onto the couch, causing 1/5 of it to collapse.

Ouch.

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A young man wants to be a farmer.

He is walking around looking to start his farm. He comes across someone selling roosters. "Excuse me sir, can I purchase one of your roosters?" "Of course!" Replied the seller, "but to let you know, around these parts we call them by their formal name, a cock". The young man buys his rooster, ho...

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

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Leading cause of Cancers

Is having sex in October.

Why wouldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

Cause he was on the grass!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every once in a while something comes along which causes some people to rethink their sexuality.

Like prison.

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There’s a new type of weed out there that causes diarrhoea...

Now I can’t decide whether to shit or get off the pot.

There was once a train driver

who loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this inci...

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

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Quarrantine, Day 12: Excessive teen masturbation has caused zero hair growth on palms. Next update unknown...

...as I will be unable to use Father Calhoun's laptop while he is being treated for sudden onset blindness.

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Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?

Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.

Why do trees never get Christmas presents?

Cause they’re so knotty.

I just learned that some teas cause cancer

But that's a Brisk im willing to take

Who caused the porpoise holocaust?

A dolphin

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?

Cause otherwise, they'd be boxers!!!

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10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,

"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool...

If Coronavirus isnt caused by the beer....

Then why do I keep hearing about all these cases?

Credit to Al Lowe.

What is the leading cause of liver disease in Canada?

Hepatitis Eh?

I dont have a family tree.

Its more like a family cactus,
Cause they’re all pricks.

Are you a student loan?

Cause I'd like to have you around for the rest of my life.

What do you call a virus that causes mysterious deaths?

Coroner virus.

A winter storm blew in from the east during the Revolution

General Washington decided he needed to find a place to stay for him and his 43 men. The first place they found was a farm. The farmer, seeing just how many men the General had knew he couldn’t keep almost most of them on the farm, but was wanted to help the cause so in compromise he agreed to let j...

A teacher is talking about video games.

She asks, "does playing video game cause long term affects?"

A student replies "yes".

"How do you know?"

"I have a hunch."

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Why is the coronavirus causing everyone to bulk buy toilet rolls?

Because whenever someone sneezes, 10 people start shitting themselves

Why does a Chicken Coop have two doors?

‘Cause if it had four doors, it would be a Chicken Sedan





...Sorry...

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A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

A man walked into a bar...

he then had to go to the emergency room because the force trauma of the bar to his head caused a blood vessel to burst in his brain.

RIP jimmy.

The Kings Servant was walking towards the castle, when he saw a man lying on the side of the path.

The servant asked if the man was ok, and he replies:

"Oh, hi, I'm Will. Nice to meet you! Would you like to buy me?

"What, you mean like a servant?" says the King's servant.

"No, just to have me around"

The servant was lonely, as he had to work day and night for the king,...

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently...

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the dead crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT the Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from ...

Why is Ireland a good investment ?

Cause its capital is dublin'

Why is 2n-1 so frustrated?

Cause it can't even, right now.

Main cause of morning sickness found.

9/10 doctors agree it's pregnancy, the other was too drunk to vote.

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

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Call my dick the spaceship challenger...

Cause I'm gonna explode on entry

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Why do we call these entitled people Karen?

Cause they don't have a fucking Karen the world!

(I just woke up and thought of this joke idk if it's been done before, thanks for reading)

Revolutionary medicine that cures Lyme Disease, but causes Tourette’s

Now that’s gonna cause a lot of nervous tics

A kid once asked his mother why his father was bald.

His mother replied, “Well, that’s cause your Dad thinks a lot!”

She smiled, pleased with the answer she had come up with.

The kid pondered this for a moment, then inquired, “Then why do you have so many hairs on your head?”

Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta

All because of a fusilli people

I wish I could be ugly for one day

Cause being ugly every day is kinda lame

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”

The woma...

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Jack and Jill went up the hill..

So Jack could lick Jills candy.

Jack got a shock,

and a mouthful of cock!

‘Cause Jills real name was Randy.

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Hey you, do you put nail polish on your butt?

'Cause that acetone.

A christian father puts his daughter to sleep

But before sleep, she must pray.

At the end of the prayer, she says:
"And please god, bless my father, my mother, and goodbye to grandpa".

"Why goodbye to grandpa?" the father asks.

"I Don't know" the girl responds, and goes to sleep with a smile on her face.

The day a...

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A guy walks into a doctors office

and sits down on the table. The doctor asks him “what’s going on?” The guy says “d-d-doctor, I d-d-don’t know w-w-whats g-g-going on. I c-c-can’t st-st-stop st-st-stuttering!” So the doctor calms him down and says “we’ll need to do a throughout physical examination to see what’s the root cause of th...

Studies say weed can cause multiple personality disorder

I think that’s stupid

Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don’t cause a reaction

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Soliciting a prostitute often causes temporary blindness

All they do is flash and bang, after all.

Kiwis

Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair".

Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We ...

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A bear walks in to a bar in Butte, Montana orders a red beer...

Bartend says "sorry buddy, we don't serve red beers to bears in bars in Butte, Montana."
Bears says " that a fact"
"Yup" the bartender replies.
Now the bear gets angry, Yelling, stomping and causing a ruckus.
There's a old bar fly causing an equal ruckus, at the other end of the bar, ...

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype.

Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand...

But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.

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A boy from the country attended the prestigious university in the city.

With his degree, he got prizes in mathematics and metaphysics. The lad's father came up to the college to see his son graduate.

"Weel, Dr. Thompson" asked the old farmer to a professor, "And what may these mathematics be for which my son has getten a prize?"

"Mathematics is to do with ...

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

Anti vaccine dads are smart

Cause they only do eight years of child-support instead of 18

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Well, it finally happened today, I knew it would eventually so I was ready.

I came out of Walmart with my mask on and keeping six feet away from everyone, I pushed my cart to my car, all the while wearing my face mask. A woman was getting out of her car next to me with no mask. As I'm putting groceries into my car she says, "Let me guess - you're a liberal - ‘cause that ma...

Batman wlked into a bar...

he got kicked out cause his mask didn't cover his mouth

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