UPJOKE
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Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

People say that marijuana causes memory loss

That’s ridiculous, next they’ll be saying that marijuana causes memory loss

I think the Russian invasion of Ukraine was caused by a translation error.

The Russian military invading Ukraine all have Z's, and the Ukrainians fighting back are the "Not Z's".

What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems?

A mirror

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I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

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a big buff bearded man once told me when I was 13 that masturbation caused hair to grow on my hand

I asked him how did you get your beard then

The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight.

And America never loses

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Neighbors pissed cause I wanted to surprise them with a clean yard before they woke up.

Hauled my leaf blower over there for no reason.

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

My Dr said the prostate exam can cause erections in some men

Turns out he wasn't talking about the patient.

I read an article that says "Smoking causes memory loss"

That's like saying smoking causes memory loss.

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

A study into the impact of minimum unit pricing of alcohol in Scotland found it did not cause major bulk buying across the border in England.

Mainly because the off-licenses wouldn't take Scottish notes.

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NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

Cause its a place to eat.

Whats the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

Hordes of foreigners who speak a different language are pouring into our country through the porous and badly defended border in the wilderness and they are going to cause our society to collapse.

I’m starting to think Rome should do something about those Germans.

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss!

Oh and also, I can't remember if I told you guys this but having too much sex can actually lead to memory loss!

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

Orange soda caused the fall of the Egyptian empire!

When someone dropped a can of Fanta in the Nile & people drank the fentanyl.

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

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My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten.

It’s called a wedding cake!

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

“How did you do it?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

why do scotsmen wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

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Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

I can't find a cause for your illness, the doctor told the patient, but I think it might be because of drinking.

In that case, replied the patient, I'll come back when you're sober.

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overbo...

Instagram models’ beauty is so intense, it causes

Reality to bend around them

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Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

What's E.T. short for?

Cause he's got little legs

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A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

A hooker goes to the doctor

She tells the doctor she feels nauseous, after few tests the doctor comes back to tell her that she's pregnant

"Congratulations, so do you know who's the father?"

"If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one caused the fart?"

Man: He died of natural causes

Judge: You pushed him off a building

Man: Gravity is natural

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

Alcohol can cause memory loss.

But, it can also cause memory loss.

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There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

Which part of the body do the Chinese care most about ?

The knee



cause they always greet each other by asking



knee how ?

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?…

Cause the p is silent

One day Winnie asks Eeyore "We have such a nice life. Why are you always so depressed?"

Eeyore: "Cause I have a nail in my @$$."

Zebra dies and goes to Heaven

The giraffe asks him, "Why you look so depressed? "

Zebra says, "I never knew if I was black with white stripes or white with black stripes."

Giraffe says, "We you can go to God and ask Him any question."

So the Zebra goes and comes back looking confused.

Giraffe asks, "...

The shrill of a woman can cause a glass to blow it's top.

But some glass is well tempered.

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Did you know it’s considered incest if you fuck time?

That’s cause time is relative

A joke I would tell when I manned the Tom Sawyer Island rafts at Disneyland

Yarr! (Cause you gotta start with a "Yarr") Watch yerselves folks! Wouldn't wanna fall into the water there! These waters are cursed! I've seen many a good swimmer sink straight down without a chance! Why, my friend Yancy looked upon the poor souls sinking down to the watery depths one by one. He tr...

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

People keep claiming I caused a car accident

I don’t know what they’re talking about because I did it on purpose

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Is it true that dogs have bacteria in their mouths that can cause infections?

And on an unrelated note, does anyone know where i can buy peanutbutter flavoured condoms?

Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...

The coroner has released Norm Macdonald's official cause of death

you guessed it, Frank Stallone

A couple are starting to develop forgetfulness

An 80-year old couple were having trouble remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s office, they explained to the doctor the problems they were having.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told th...

Archaeologists have revealed how King Tut died

Records indicate he was found naked, with a rope around his neck.



They determined the cause of death was Auto Erotic A-sphinx-iation.

Instagram causes depression in teenage girls...

...just like everything else.

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So a church needed a bell ringer…

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

T...

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If Microsoft made cars.

Disclaimer: This Joke was made in the 1990's in response to comments that if the automobile industry kept pace with Silicone Valley cars would be much more advanced. The origin is the Mid 1990's
However at close retrospect some of this now happens.





At a computer expo (...

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

'cause it was pissed off.

Why don't Natives like snow?

Cause it's white and it's on their land

(Disclaimer: I'm Native)

Why was the floor of the fireplace sticky on Christmas morning?

Because Santa Claus came down the chimney on Christmas Eve.

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Equally Logical - Jewish parable from 1948

A group of Nazis surrounded an elderly Berlin Jew and demanded of him, "Tell us Jew, who caused the war?"

The little Jew was no fool. "The Jews," he said, then added, "and the bicycle riders."

The Nazis were puzzled. "Why the bicycle riders?"

"Why the Jews?" answered the little ...

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My wife says she’s leaving cause of my disgusting habits

I almost choked on my fucking toenail!

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Is sex a workout

Cause I am unable to do it for more than a minute

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

I took my girl to starbucks..

Cause i forgot her name

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A religious mother sees her young son masturbating

When the father gets home he sees that the mother is beyond consolation. 'Oh no what would God think of us for raising such an immoral child' she cries hysterically.

The father tells her 'Honey don't worry, let me deal with it, tomorrow I am gonna take our son on a road trip and we will have ...

Family vacation

A family of five is going on vacation. They've rented an RV for the cross country trip.
They loaded the RV with household items, clothing, recreational gear, pets and food. Off they go!

The car crashes into a brick wall minutes after starting the journey. Everyone is killed except the pet ...

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

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Cutback

Ellen and Jack worked for a small company owned by Bob.
Hard times hit and Bob was having to cut back.
He called a meeting and looking directly at Ellen stated “I’ve got to lay you or Jack off.”
Ellen replied “Well you gonna have to Jack off then, cause I got a headache.”

I can't stand newborns

I guess it cause their legs are too weak.

Dating an homeless girl is cool af

Cause u can just drop her off anywhere

Dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot.

It caused severe pain to-ma-toes.

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when I bi...

The #1 cause for accidents in Georgia is deer.

Which is crazy to me since they can’t drive.

I'm the woman who caused the Tour de France crash! AMA!



Oops, gotta run!

What causes a pirate to have a heart attack?

Something clogged their arrrrrrteries

The person who caused the Tour de France crash should be arrested and charged with genocide.

She tried to take out an entire race.

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

There is an app called Monstr for finding the supernatural date of your dreams

Apparently it came out after the release of the Twilight franchise caused a spike in the popularity of mythical beings as romantic partners.

A friend of mine, I'll call her Bella for privacy, was on the app for a bit and her first match was a Lycanthrope. They went for a long walk and afterw...

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Pussy Willows

Two old friends hadn’t seen each other in years, because they lived so far away from each other. So they decided to meet in the middle, and take a weekend getaway golf trip.

They hit up a course tucked high up in the rockies, in a valley surrounded by white capped mountains. It was truly som...

When I heard the sad news that Gilbert Gottfried had passed away....

I half-expected his cause of death was anaphylAFLAC shock.

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Not a repost (true story, too)

One day I was walking to school with my friends in a very busy city. The school was about ten-ish blocks away from where we met up, and sure, there's always crap on the ground (whether from a human or a dog) and homeless people, but otherwise it's pretty much what you'd expect.

This particula...

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO ha...

Traffic violation

After pulling a farmer over for speeding in an urban area, the police officer starts to lecture him about his callous disregard for public safety. The officer goes on and on, even belittling the farmer saying he must be a "hick from the sticks" and not know how to behave in a civilized area.
<...

What do you call it when pigs cause the end of the world?

The aporkalypse

So six was afraid cause 7 8 9 right why was ten scared?

They were in the middle 9 11

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

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A Moth Walks Into a Podiatrist's Office

And the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows...

During the Pontius Pilate number in Jesus Christ Superstar, I thought the orchestra hit a wrong note, but they were actually changing key and it was Pilate who didn’t keep up.

So I thought it was caused faulty instrumentation but it was really due to Pilate error.

Cant make jokes about vacation to americans

Cause they dont get it

I need karma but here's a joke

Why don't pirates take a shower before they walk the plank

Cause they wash up on shore

My wife is blaming me for ruining our Anniversary

Which is ridiculous, cause I didn't know it was our Anniversary in the first place

A doctor is sitting in his office and is waiting for his next patient

A man enters the room. He tells the doctor that he has a back injury from yesterdays activities. The doctor asks him what he did that cause his back injury.

"Well Doctor, I came home early yesterday after work and found a pair of mens shoes that do not belong to me. I rushed upstairs and foun...

Children left alone in the backseat can cause accidents,

which is ironic considering that accidents in the backseat can cause children.

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An obituary

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.
Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrit...

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

I called my mum and told her not to worry cause I was in the hospital

She said you're a goddamn doctor and it wasn't funny the first time!

What causes certain people to become furries ?

Furomones

A duo of serial killers got convicted. The sentence caused some debate.

The first one got 25 years. He put his victims in a bowl an drowned them in milk. The other one put the milk in first and got sentenced to death.

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facts

did you know that having too much sex could cause memory loss ?

i remember reading that on the 23 of november 2001 at 9:1:02 am page 36 line 9/11

it wasn't a sunny day in fact it was very cloudy

very...cloudy....

Alice brings her friend Kelly over to her house for the first time

They go into the kitchen where Alice offers her a cold soda and opens the fridge.

Kelly sees a pretty-looking cookie jar on the windowsill and goes to pick it up and admire it. "Wow, this is really beautiful." she muses as she opens the lid. "..but, uh.. what's this stuff inside it?"

"...

Putin gets interviewed about the sinking of the Moskva

Vladimir Putin:] It’s a great pleasure, thank you.

[Interviewer:] This ship that was involved in the incident off Crimea this week…

[Vladimir Putin:] Yeah, the one the magazine detonated?

[Interviewer:] Yeah

[Vladimir Putin:] That’s not very typical, I’d like to make that...

Are you good with kids?

Cause I'm about to turn your mouth into a daycare.

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a:

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I wasn't close to my father when he died

That's good cause he died to a landmine.

You probably already know the one about pterodactyls not making noise going to the bathroom, cause the p is silent....

That just means urine on the joke.

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

My girlfriend left me cause I couldn’t stop quoting linkin park songs

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

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Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you...

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