If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

"Windows was unable to establish a network connection"

"would you like to go online to find further assistance?"

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A group of strippers are robbing their old establishment

One turns to the rest and says "So what are we taking?"



"The cash register!" one says,



"The gold decorations!" says another,



Soon the conversation devolves into chaos and yelling,



One turns to the others and says "Alright guys, let's just t...

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Todays News: Russia takes a step towards inclusivity by establishing new task force comprised of Gay/Bi/Pan/Trans/etc enlistees...

Introducing: The KGBT

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

A sign on an establishment reads "No all-knowing beings permitted."

The second line reads "You know what you did."

It's hard to establish when this novel Coronavirus will be over.

We'd have preferred a short story.

Once you've seen one establishment with multiple stores in it

You've seen the mall

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

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A dog and a rabbit are in a bar having a few drinks when a drunk decides that he doesn't like their kind patronizing his establishment.

He goes over and voices his displeasure with them being in HIS bar.
Now now take it easy slim, says the rabbit ,if you can solve this riddle we will buy you all the drinks you can have for the night. Well he thinks about it for a minute and thinks, why not. Ok then but if you get it wrong my dog...

women vs men

Women are so difficult. Always changing their minds...,

At 18, they want handsome men.

At 25, they want mature men.

At 30, they want successful men.

At 40, they want established men.

At 50, they want faithful men.

At ...

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

"According to the Bible," says the surgeon, "God took a rib from Adam to make Eve. That's a surgeon's job, so we were first."

"But before that, the Bible says God create...

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Soviet Russia. Verbal history exam

The professor asks the first student

"Comrade, what ideology does your father follow?"


"He is a monarchist" replies the student


"And when was our great nation established" asks the professor.


"Tsardom of Russia was established 1547" replies the student ...

So I'm sitting in a bar and a gorgeous, very shapely woman sits down next to me and we exchange a few words.

So I ask her if she would sleep with me for $1 Million Dollars. And she says "Hell yes!".
So I ask her "How about $500 thousand dollars?" And she thinks for a minute and says "Sure, why not?"
So I said "How about for $50?"
She says "What the hell do you think I am?"
I said "I ...

A Duck walks into a bar

He approaches the barman and asks "Hey, do you guys have any bread"

The barman is struck in awe as there is a bloody talking duck in front of him but answers in confidence "Nah can't help you mate"

The duck walks out only to return a mere minute and a half later.

"Hey, do you gu...

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My team decided to establish a tradition

Everyone on the team would sit in a circle surrounding the team captain before the start of the season. He would then headbutt the ball at one of us, and they would have to headbutt it back at him. The captain would then headbutt it at the person sitting next to them. This would repeat as it cycled ...

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Why did the Jews in Germany not establish an organization against the Holocaust?

There was too little interest.

A man who is already drunk from a bar is about to enter another bar...

...while still drunk he struggles to find the entrance to the bar. He is only able to notice a big sign reading "NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE." The shocking warning sign instantly makes him snap out of drunkenness and quickly look down to see his shoes and shirt have been lost from his last drunk ...

I hate that even poker is getting political.

The big blind is always ante-establishment.

City counsel decides not to fine restaurant owner for digging a hole in his own establishment with a pickaxe...

They say he was just mining his own business.

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A blond walks into a bar and orders a line of shots.

A blond walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets her up, and the blond takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. She then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?...

A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

No leader or government should establish communism in their country...

...after all, in history, there have been so many red flags.

The bartender says no faster than light particles are allowed in this establishment.

A tachyon walks into a bar.

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

The Black Ranger

A man on holiday walks into a bar at 11 pm and asks the bartender for a pint.
The bartenders says to him 'Sorry my friend I'm closed.'
The man replies 'Closed? But it's only 11 pm! How can you be closed at this hour already? Just give me my pint!' To which the bartender exclaims 'A no is...

A German worker gets a job in Siberia, aware of how all mail will be read by the censors, he tells his friends;

"Let's establish a code, if a letter you get from me is written in ordinary blue ink; it's true, if it's written in red ink, it's false"

After a month, his friends get the first letter;

"Everything is wonderful here, the shops are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and proper...

A young man named Theseus moves to a lakeside fishing village looking for work

When he arrives, he finds one of the residents, Justin, is interested in going out and seeing the world, and wants to sell his fishing boat to fund that trip. Thinking that it might be a good way to make a living, Theseus buys the boat and spends the next few years learning the trade, establishing a...

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question, a superfluously expanded vocabulary, and a blatant disregard for previously established axioms?

A punchline.

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint...

While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent.
"Twenty four!" He calls out, before sitting back down, to which the estab...

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A man walks into an unfamiliar bar

He sits down at the bar and sees a pot of cash filled to the brim with notes. As he orders his drink he ask the bartender "what's with the pot of cash?"

The barman replies "we have a 3 tier game going on, winner takes all. £100 entry."

"Just out of curiosity, whats involved?" Asks the ...

Small talk

The year is 2097. In the midst of a nuclear war, two babies are sent from Earth in a pod to an empty SpaceX bunker on Mars in the hopes they will survive and continue the human race.

After years in isolation and with packaged food becoming scarce, the young humans decided to venture out onto ...

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A Kotaku throwback

Best Buy Customer Rep: "Good afternoon, welcome to Best Buy. What brings you in to see us today?"

Customer: "I'm pretty interested in one of those new 3D tv's but I thought I'd check it out before I buy. I'm a little concerned over the image quality."

Rep: "I understand your concern si...

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A man recieves $500 for his birthday and decides to make a trip to his local brothel.

He walks inside the establishment and informs the madam that is is his birthday, so she offers him the birthday special. He hands over $250 and heads up the stairs entering the first room, to find a very attractive woman laying spread eagle on the bed.

Impressed by what the establishment has...

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Sand paper sally

So a guy gets out of prison. He has been locked up about 15 years but the day has finally come and he is loving life.
He gets released and has the clothes on his back and give dollars to his name.
Above all else, before food, lodging, anything. This man wants some pussy.
So, he goes to a br...

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There’s an unusual hospital

where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them.

For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word “Shorty” tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want ...

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"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

A man walks up to a woman at a bar and breaks the ice with:

"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

She ponders for a moment and answers: "Hmm, yeah, I would."

"Would you sleep with me for $5?"

"What do you think I am, a prostitute?"

"I thought we alread...

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a dog walks into a job centre

jumps up on the counter and says to the startled assistant “alright mate? got any jobs going?” the stunned assistant replies “you’re a talking dog!?” the dogs says “yep, got any jobs or what?” “bbbbut, you can talk?” the assistant replies “yes” says the dog “we’ve established that, now what about a ...

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

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A trucker walks into a hotel...

... and says to the receptionist... “ I’ve been on the road for a couple of days. Give me your dirtiest, messiest room, some overcooked spaghetti with burnt sauce and the ugliest hooker in town!”

The receptionist said: “ Well, we have a reputation to uphold at our establishment! We’ll give yo...

I was talking to a girl about the establishment of the 4th Reich when a girl told me that I was being politically incorrect

Apparently the proper term is "European Union"

An Atom walks into a drinking establishment

He sits down and orders a drink and then all of a sudden he starts crying. The bartender walks over and asks : "is everything okay?"
To which the Atom replies: " I lost an electron..". "Are you sure you lost it?" the bartender asks concerned. To which the atom replies:" I am fairly positive "

Why doesn't the GOP establishment want Trump as their nominee?

They hate colored people.

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

An SEO writer walks into a

{ bar | pub | public house | drinking establishment }

Using high powered gamma rays, creatures on Mars have established total mind control over Donald. And Hillary. And the liberal press. And the Alt-right.

Hey, all I know is what I read on Facebook.

(But it explains everything!)

I want to open a drinking establishment without any furniture.

It'll be the best around, Bar None.

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The Greeks vs. The Italians

The Greeks say, “We have the Parthenon.”

The Italians say, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greeks say, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”

The Italians say, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”

And so on and so on for hours, until final...

What's the difference between an establishment where alcohol is served and an elephant passing gas?

One is a Bar Room, the other is a BAROOOM!

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular chil...

A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

The dock hand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dock hand.

“I d...

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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

There are 10 kinds of people...

...those who can extrapolate from missing data and those who mesh and butcher well established jokes.

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Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man

He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a mi...

A man walks into a bar and approaches a woman

He asks, "would you sleep with me for $100,000?"
She replies "sure!"
And then he asks "ok, how about $10"?
She says "what kind of girl do you think I am?"
He replies "we already established that, what I am doing now is bargaining"

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Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

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4 nuns....

4 Nuns (Mary, Clarence, Enid and Steph) were involved in a horrific car crash that killed them all

Next thing they knew they were all standing in front of the pearly gates with St Peter greeting them with a friendly smile.

As they drew closer Peter said “Before I can let you pass into ...

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A man walks up to an attractive woman in a bar and asks her if she'd have sex with him for 2 dollars...

"Absolutely not!" She replies.

He pauses for a second and asks her if she'd have sex with him for a thousand dollars.

She looks at him and a little smile cracks on her face.

"Why yes, yes I would"

"Great, what about 5 bucks?"

All of a sudden she loses her smile a...

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Chainsaw

A redneck had a field with 500 trees and decides to cut everything to make a golf course.

Then he decides to go to the city and buy a chainsaw. There's one with an ad that says, "cuts down 500 trees in one day."

He bought it, went home and said:

*- I'll start cutting all the tre...

A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress

## But he wasn't so successful in doing so. The error message read:

Error: failed to establish connection with server.

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

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I saw some prostitutes hanging around my local garden centre

I guess it is a bit of a seedy establishment

The Joke

A friend sent me this one.

There was a comedy club called “The Joke” that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a line ar...

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

[Pun] Say it in simple English

Chicken: Sir, the chef at this fine establishment is planning to violently seize power and overthrow our government!

Restaurant owner: Can you please say that in simple English?

Chicken: Cookdocoup

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So this guy walks into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender. As he is ordering his drink, he sees a jar full of money in the counter.



He then asks the bartender what tha jar is all about, to which he replies with, "Oh, the jar is part of a challenge I decided to set up for the patrons of the bar. Winner takes a...

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Johnny was driving along the highway.

Johnny was driving along the highway. Midway through his journey, nature called out to him. Cursing his fate, he looked around for a place to relieve himself. Just then, he spotted a small road side motel. He quickly entered to finish his business. To Johnny's dismay, all the the restrooms in the es...

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A man walks into a clock shop...

where a smoking hot girl is working behind the counter. He walks straight up to the counter, looks her in the eye, and lobs is cock out onto the counter.

The girl, very shocked, says "excuse me sir, I think you've the wrong kind of establishment, this is a clock shop!"

The man says "I ...

A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.

He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established ...

Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:

- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

The woman giggles.

- Of course I would!

- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?

The woman looks disgusted.

- Why, what kind of woman do yo...

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Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest?

Because it would be economically unsound to attempt to establish a pharmaceutical distribution network in such a sparsely populated area

How did the new trucking and RV car dealership advertise its coming soon business?

It put out an extra long trailer in front of the establishment on tv

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3 Men and a Woman are stranded on an Island

Like everyone, they try to establish contact to other people at first and they build a shelter.

After about 3 Weeks the Men approach the Woman with a proposal to let one of the 3 have sex with her every other day so that everyones Sex drive could be fulfilled.

The Woman agrees and the...

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I just saw a church advertisement

They've been under the same establishment for 2,000 years!

A local Scientist recieves an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

Attention Nerds!

It would be so much easier if humans came with an error message just like computers do.
Imagine sitting in a restaurant and failing miserably at flirting with the waitress.
"Warning! Error establishing connection with the Server"

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Bears in Bars in Butte, Montana

One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.

Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his bi...

A schizophrenic walks into a bar.

A schizophrenic walks into a bar.

A sign above the bar reads "Absolutely No Schizophrenics Served At This Establishment!"

Bartender says "Hello. What can I get you?"

The schizophrenic says "a shot of whiskey, and make it a double!"

The schizophrenic says "a shot of whisk...

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Leroy walks into a bar...

...sits down, and orders a shot. He drains the glass, swishes it around in his mouth, spits it on the floor, and says, "sumbitch shore can drive!"

The bartender says, "Hey! I run a clean establishment here."

Leroy apologizes and orders another shot. He drains the glass, swishes it ar...

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Four men walk into . . .

Four men walk into a **<social establishment>**. Inside the **<social establishment>**, they have a conversation about **<topic>**. Eventually one of them leaves the group and goes to the bathroom. After he left, the conversation shifts from **<topic>** to the well-being of t...

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So I'm trying to start a new Nazi group...

But it's hard to get people to leave the already established groups, they’re built up, they have community there, then I have it. Weed. We’re going to be the weed Nazis, I get a sponsorship from a local skinhead dispensary, I set up a space, but there’s one problem, I only have 2 water pipes, for t...

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In the seedy corners of the pokeverse,

In the seedy corners of the pokeverse, dirty establishments hide more 'greasy' businesses. a customer walks into one such place and resquests their finest lady.

A large breasts woman with a beautiful face takes them into a private room, and after they are done 'copulating' he lays back, a sat...

Professor and his students

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"


"Sadness," said the student.


"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"


"Elation."


"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?"


"I...

The Opium Wars

During the opium wars in China the nobility wanted to escape to a more stable country, one couple, Mr. And Mrs. Long, decided to move to Texas to escape the conflict.

Once settled in Texas they decided to have kids, they could afford to due to their work as farm hands.

When the...

A Student in Israel

David, an American student went to Israel for a semester to study abroad at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. As part of his program he was placed with a host family for housing. An elderly gentleman named Joshua Levin welcomed him into the large home with many rooms.

As Joshua gave a tour ...

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A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer...

The bartender tells him he doesn't serve bears in his establishment. The bear's had a hard day at work and is in a nasty mood: "Look pal, I work just as hard as you do, I just wanna relax, gimme a beer right now or I'll go eat that chick at the end of the bar there. Try me." Bartender: "Go ahead, fu...

Racism Today

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days... ever wonder why? A customer walks into an establishment and asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"


The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. B...

A union man is looking for a brothel.

He goes to the first one he sees and asks if it is a union establishment. “No” says the madam. “ Well, how much does the house get and how much does the worker get?”. The madam answers 90/10 and that doesn’t sit well with him.

The man continues down the road all with the same answer.

T...

A man died and went to heaven..

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,

"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said...

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