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Defecate Jokes

Wouldn’t plants that defecate keep growing larger?

Since they soiled themselves

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A man defecated in an elevator

He took shit to another level

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I suspect my neighbor Jackson defecated on my lawn when I was not home.

I asked around to check if there were any witnesses, but everyone says they didn't see jack shit.

Where does Bruce Wayne go to defecate?

The bat-room!

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My friend said he saw a nocturnal mammal defecate in a French River

I told him that's bat shit in Seine

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There has been some speculation as to whether male cows defecate.

As you can see... That's bullshit.

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During school lockdown drills there's always a designated area to defecate.

Since in emergencies it's always important to keep your shit together.

What do you call a vampire that defecates in a box?

Vladimir Poo-Tin.

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There's a telegraph pole on which birds tend to sit and defecate

It's a shitty post.

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My autocorrect just changed "Defecate" to "Ejaculate"

I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

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Why doesn't Kim Jong Un ever defecate?

Because he's too legit to shit.

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A man in a crowded bar needed to defecate but couldn't find a bathroom, so he went upstairs and used a hole in the floor.

Returning, he found everyone had gone except the bartender, who was cowering behind the bar. When the man asked what had happened, the bartender replied, 'Where were you when the shit hit the fan?'

[Hugh Rawson, "Wicked Words," 1989]

Poop is always funny, and this brightened my day. ...

A man comes to see a urologist...

"When is your earliest urination in the day and how regular is it"? - the doctor asks him.


"Every day, at exactly 8:00, I urinate" - the man responds.

"That's good. How about defecation? Any obstruction"?


"Every day, at exactly 8:10, I defecate, without any obstructions ...

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There is this old wooden pillar in my town where all of the homeless people defecate. We call it...

shitpost

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TIL about Kopi Luwak, an expensive coffee made from partially digested coffee cherries defecated by the Asian palm civet.

Imagine the barista's face when you go to the coffee shop then ask for a crappuccino.

Do I use over elaborate sentences?

Do Ursine mammals defecate in Circumpolar Arboreal Forest Regions?

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Three old men talk about their problems.

The first one says,
I wake up at 7 a.m every morning with a terrible urge to pee. I go to the bathroom and I stand there for two hours and nothing.

The second one says,
I wake up at 6 a.m every morning with a terrible need to defecate. I sit there reading for four hours, and nothing. <...

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A singer is holding a concert indoors.

While doing so, he feels the urge to defecate. As soon as he finishised the piece, he excuses himself upstairs.

He notices the WC has the hole continue indefinitely instead of curving, but doesn't worry too much. He does his buisness and goes downstairs.

There, everybody is running awa...

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My kidnappers enjoyed torturing me

It was days before one of them allowed me to finally drink any water. When he gave me the jug of discolored water, the grin on his face had me terrified to drink it, and I instantly imagined it was full of poison. But I couldn't help myself; I was too thirsty. I drank it all.

Still I couldn't...

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Kim Jong Un

I remember reading a news story about North Korean propaganda. One piece involved a lie Kim Jong Un told his people. In an effort to deceive the people into thinking he was a deity, he told them he never has to defecate. I remember reading that and thinking, "Wow, he is so full of shit."

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The Foo Bird

There is a very unique species of bird in Africa known as the Foo bird. In most African tribes the Foo bird is widely believed to be holy. Even the droppings of the Foo bird are regarded as sacred. If defecated on, it is forbidden to wipe the Foo bird droppings off. As the old saying goes, if the Fo...

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Magic Cheese

"Your blood pressure and cholesterol are too high for a 30 year old." The Doctor said to David. "You need to lose some weight and soon. You are sweating too much and your stool samples look a little too loose. In fact, you have the early stages of dysentery due to the terrible things you eat. I'm go...

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