UPJOKE
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because they have been extinct for millions of years.

What do you call someone who makes sound effects when they urinate?

An onomato-pee-a

What does the drunk professor say when he realizes he just urinated all over his books ?

Epist-em-ology

Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...

Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named

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Today I urinated and then masturbated

You can say I peanut

What do you call it when you can't urinate because you feel the presence of others around you?

Peer pressure.

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Don’t urinate on people in self defense

You’re just going to make them more pissed

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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, ...

I have this problem that when I climax, I urinate instead.

Sometimes I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

You wont hear a pterodactyl urinate

..because its pee is silent

I figured out why the term is "urinate"

it's because if you wait until it's a urine-ten, then urine trouble!

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Dirty Johnny: Greatest Joke of all time by Norm MacDonald

In school there was a fella named Dirty Johnny. He was always a trouble maker the teachers never liked him. One day in class the teacher is doing a thing we’re the kids raise their hands to tell a story and then say what the moral is of that story. So a girl raises her hand

The teacher says ...

I've been watching you urinate in the pool..

Lifeguard: I’ve been watching you, Mr. Jones, and you’ll have to stop urinating in the pool.
Mr. Jones: But everybody urinates in the pool.
Lifeguard: From the diving board?

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What do you get if you urinate and cum at the same time?

Peanut

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Urination Contest and the Nun

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of 'Our Lady of Perpetual Motion' parochial school in a VERY advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"...

What do you call a guy that urinates on the streets of Europe

European

Where do bees urinate?

The BP station

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Every time I urinate, I end up masturbating.

I never know if I'm coming or going.

A while ago a stranger asked me if he could urinate on my wrist.

I told him: "Not on my watch"

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Three retired old men are sitting down for lunch and comparing their lives

The first old man says that every morning he's awake at 5 am and has to stand in front of the toilet for an hour just to urinate.

The second old man says that's nothing compared to how constipated his medication makes him. And he has to sit on the toilet for at least an hour every morning. <...

What kind of Nuts urinates?

A peanut.

Why do men struggle to urinate with an erection?

It's just too hard.

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I saw a blind man's dog urinate on his leg...

I watched the man's reaction. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a doggy treat, and gave it to the dog.

I rushed over to the man and said, "What a great act of kindness you have demonstrated. Your dog urinated on your leg but you showed it forgiveness by feeding it."

The man replie...

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

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