UPJOKE
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Urinate Jokes

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because they have been extinct for millions of years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love clarified butter but it makes me urinate way too frequently

Ghee whizz

Apparently it’s no longer OK to urinate in the ocean.

I’m told it’s not pee sea.

Putin asks Zelenskyi: 'When I'm dead, I bet you will come to urinate on my grave?"

Zelenskyi: "Nah. Never been fond of waiting in line."

My wife just said to me, you're an eight on a scale of ten.

I'm confused why did she ask me to Urinate on a Skeleton?

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

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What do you call a person who insists on saying “pissssssss” every time they urinate?

An onomatopee-er

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Don’t urinate on people in self defense

You’re just going to make them more pissed

Where do bees urinate?

The BP station

What do you call someone who makes sound effects when they urinate?

An onomato-pee-a

I've been watching you urinate in the pool..

Lifeguard: I’ve been watching you, Mr. Jones, and you’ll have to stop urinating in the pool.
Mr. Jones: But everybody urinates in the pool.
Lifeguard: From the diving board?

I figured out why the term is "urinate"

it's because if you wait until it's a urine-ten, then urine trouble!

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

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Today I urinated and then masturbated

You can say I peanut

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

What do you call a pirate who urinates on peple?

RRRRRRkelly

A 90 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.

Fifteen minutes later, the doctor says,"Your health is good physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

The old man replies,"Me and God are tight. We are in a real connection. He has even fixed my eyesight for me! Whenever I go to the bathroom to pee, the light turn...

I have this problem that when I climax, I urinate instead.

Sometimes I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

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Every time I urinate, I end up masturbating.

I never know if I'm coming or going.

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Urination Contest and the Nun

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of 'Our Lady of Perpetual Motion' parochial school in a VERY advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"...

What kind of Nuts urinates?

A peanut.

What do you call it when you can't urinate because you feel the presence of others around you?

Peer pressure.

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

Why do men struggle to urinate with an erection?

It's just too hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you urinate and cum at the same time?

Peanut

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I saw a blind man's dog urinate on his leg...

I watched the man's reaction. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a doggy treat, and gave it to the dog.

I rushed over to the man and said, "What a great act of kindness you have demonstrated. Your dog urinated on your leg but you showed it forgiveness by feeding it."

The man replie...

A while ago a stranger asked me if he could urinate on my wrist.

I told him: "Not on my watch"

What does the drunk professor say when he realizes he just urinated all over his books ?

Epist-em-ology

What do you call a guy that urinates on the streets of Europe

European

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