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They say make up sex is the best

Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up

So a kid is talking to his dad and he says “hey Dad why i s my sister named make up tutorials” and the dad says “oh that’s what was in your mom‘s search history “. And the kids respond “OK a little weird but thanks”

And the dad says “no problem “

I was trying to make up a joke social- distancing...

But this was as close as I could get.

What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?

A maybe

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

If atoms make up everything, then is this joke's punchline made up of atoms?

No, it's made up of btoms

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I am a massive fan of make up sex

Because all the sex I have is imaginary

What kind of make up should you wear during a pandemic?

Mask-ara

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Despite black people making up only 13% of the population, they make up 50% of...

Captain Americas ^in ^the ^mcu

A joke inspired by my 5 year old daughter who was trying to make up jokes.... why was the booger who was stuck in your nose so upset?

Because he wasn't picked yet.

Obviously this is where dad jokes and humor come from.

I just did a public rant about how evil people who make up stories on the internet are.

When I was done, everyone clapped.

We had a marriage to attend at 8 pm. My wife started applying make up at 6pm

The previous day

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early today. He said “only if you make up the time”

I said “okay. It’s quarter past a million”

While only making up only 13 percent of the population

...people who don’t wear their seatbelt make up half of all car accident deaths. Wear your seatbelt.

Today’s kids can never make up there minds

My son just asked me to make him a bookshelf and now he is complaining about the books hurting his back

My friend asked me if she wore too much make up.

I said it depends on whether or not you're trying to kill Batman.

How many Spanish cats does it take to make up a horse?

Catorce

Make up your minds

People complain that kids these days don’t have any attention span, yet they get upset when you send kids to concentration camps. Damn Liberals. Make up your damn minds.

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

I needed $2.50 to take the bus home. "I only have $2.15 on me," I told the driver, "but to make up the difference, I'll greet wood planks. How's that sound?"

"Fare enough," he replied. "Welcome a board."

Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, “but I don’t know her size.”
“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
“Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”
“Will there be anything else?” the ...

I know a joke that took 2 hours to make up.

Finally, my wife's ready to go out.

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I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that sodomy is evil

The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.

What elements make up life?

Lithium and Iron

I really wish my five year old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a tree house in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…

Took me twenty years to grow that thing!

My wife brought her make up on our camping trip...

She can be pretty in tents.

I tried to make up a new color today

It turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination

I went to one of those colleges where you can make up your own degree...

I ended up with a major in paedophilia and a minor in the back of my van.

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I tried to make up a poop joke.

But it felt like I was pushing it.

TIL: 5/7 People make up statistics on the spot.

There is a 50% chance this data lacks validity though.

The doctors have designed a special shoe to make up for my short leg. I didn’t think it would work, but I tried it out.

I stand corrected.

It's 3 am. Just smoked a fatty. Just trying to make up new material with my parrot. I think i just thought of a good one but I may just be...

Too stoned with one bird.

Hunny, you don't need make up.

You need plastic surgery.

Why is Wonder Woman's make up always on point?

She's from "Themascara."

"Removing my make up"

Or how I like to call it:

"Reset face to factory settings"

Driving along the freeway I overtook a female driver doing her make up in the mirror..

I was so shocked I dropped my razor in my coffee.

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I put some of my girlfriend's make up on a dog poo.

It was a pretty shit idea.

Make Up Your Mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

Billy's parents called the school on the afternoon he completed his make up test,

they wanted to know why he was wearing lipstick and mascara.

Bit of a different post here - an author introduces a joke but never reveals the punchline...anyone heard this joke? Or make up your own punchline?

In *Infinite Jest* by David Foster Wallace, at one point there's a line -

"...asking Mario if he knows what you call three Canadians copulating on a snowmobile."

But he doesn't say the punchline. I'm assuming maybe this is a commonish kinda joke? I've tried to think of what the pu...

Asked my friend to make up a joke about two Canadians and a Bear

A visually impaired Canadian is notified that a bear has broken into his house and is eating all his food.

He hurries home and into the kitchen, where he finds A: his hairy housemate and B: a bear.

But he doesn't know which is which!

"Shoot us both," the housemate says, "it's th...

There is a game show where you have to make up short poems containing a special word

There is a game show where you have to make up short poems containing a special word within one minute.

In the final show there are only two people left: A rabby from New York and a farmer from New Zealand. They get the word "Timbouktou".

The rabby is first. He starts: "I was a rabby ...

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The Excuse

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weeke...

My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over

I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.

With all that's going on, I don't feel very funny lately.

Fortunately my looks make up for that. UNfortunately you can't see me.

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his miserable summer.

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