Got into an argument with a colleague so I bought their favorite Indian food, to attempt to make up.

I tried to curry favor but they were having naan of it. I only managed to tikka them off more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say make up sex is the best

Which is lucky, because all of my sex is made up.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A maybee.

Two blondes were kidnaped and they later started to make up a plan to escape.

The first one said: Lets go whit the fence, if the fence is small we will jump to the other side, if the fence is to hight we will dig a tunel to the other side.

The second one says: Thats a great idea!

Then she goes to check the fence and comes back whait a sad face.

the other ...

Never trust atoms; they make up everything.

say less...

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

My teacher asked my to make up a sentence using the words defence, defeat and detail

When a horse jumps over defence defeat go first then detail.

I was going to make up a joke about Covid

But then I realized it would be pretty tasteless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Make up sex with my wife is the best!

In fact, it's pretty much the only sex we have.

Oh, did I say make up sex? I meant made up sex.

Apparently, we are getting a make up year for 2020 because we missed so much of it due to COVID.

Next year is officially 2020: 2

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In an attempt to make up for poor sales, the Willy Wonka company is branching out and making a line if chastity belts

They're calling them "Everlasting Knob Stoppers".

Kind of lame jokes I make up for myself after reading the dictionary.

Someone asked was I being sesquipedalianist just to make a joke on reddit! Which I repudiate!

Saw my wife taking off her make up last night...

Or, as I call it, "Reset to factory settings "

How many states make up the United States of America?

49 nowadays, Nevada stopped counting.

What shoe can’t make up its mind?

Flip flops

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

HR said I'm not allowed to make up names for my coworkers.

I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am a massive fan of make up sex

Because all the sex I have is imaginary

So a kid is talking to his dad and he says “hey Dad why i s my sister named make up tutorials” and the dad says “oh that’s what was in your mom‘s search history “. And the kids respond “OK a little weird but thanks”

And the dad says “no problem “

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

I was trying to make up a joke social- distancing...

But this was as close as I could get.

Why do mathematicians make up for bad war generals?

They only take pride in numbers.

What kind of make up should you wear during a pandemic?

Mask-ara

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Despite black people making up only 13% of the population, they make up 50% of...

Captain Americas ^in ^the ^mcu

A joke inspired by my 5 year old daughter who was trying to make up jokes.... why was the booger who was stuck in your nose so upset?

Because he wasn't picked yet.

Obviously this is where dad jokes and humor come from.

How many Spanish cats does it take to make up a horse?

Catorce

My friend asked me if she wore too much make up.

I said it depends on whether or not you're trying to kill Batman.

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early today. He said “only if you make up the time”

I said “okay. It’s quarter past a million”

Today’s kids can never make up there minds

My son just asked me to make him a bookshelf and now he is complaining about the books hurting his back

I just did a public rant about how evil people who make up stories on the internet are.

When I was done, everyone clapped.

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

Bill used to be a punk rocker in the 80’s. These days he’s got grown kids, he makes crocks at the pottery and loves to make up puns.

Now, he’s a pun crocker.

What elements make up life?

Lithium and Iron

I know a joke that took 2 hours to make up.

Finally, my wife's ready to go out.

Make up your minds

People complain that kids these days don’t have any attention span, yet they get upset when you send kids to concentration camps. Damn Liberals. Make up your damn minds.

I tried to make up a new color today

It turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination

Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, “but I don’t know her size.”
“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
“Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”
“Will there be anything else?” the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that sodomy is evil

The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.

I went to one of those colleges where you can make up your own degree...

I ended up with a major in paedophilia and a minor in the back of my van.

The doctors have designed a special shoe to make up for my short leg. I didn’t think it would work, but I tried it out.

I stand corrected.

My wife brought her make up on our camping trip...

She can be pretty in tents.

I really wish my five year old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a tree house in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…

Took me twenty years to grow that thing!

It's 3 am. Just smoked a fatty. Just trying to make up new material with my parrot. I think i just thought of a good one but I may just be...

Too stoned with one bird.

Make Up Your Mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

Hunny, you don't need make up.

You need plastic surgery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to make up a poop joke.

But it felt like I was pushing it.

TIL: 5/7 People make up statistics on the spot.

There is a 50% chance this data lacks validity though.

Why is Wonder Woman's make up always on point?

She's from "Themascara."

Driving along the freeway I overtook a female driver doing her make up in the mirror..

I was so shocked I dropped my razor in my coffee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put some of my girlfriend's make up on a dog poo.

It was a pretty shit idea.

Billy's parents called the school on the afternoon he completed his make up test,

they wanted to know why he was wearing lipstick and mascara.

Bit of a different post here - an author introduces a joke but never reveals the punchline...anyone heard this joke? Or make up your own punchline?

In *Infinite Jest* by David Foster Wallace, at one point there's a line -

"...asking Mario if he knows what you call three Canadians copulating on a snowmobile."

But he doesn't say the punchline. I'm assuming maybe this is a commonish kinda joke? I've tried to think of what the pu...

There is a game show where you have to make up short poems containing a special word

There is a game show where you have to make up short poems containing a special word within one minute.

In the final show there are only two people left: A rabby from New York and a farmer from New Zealand. They get the word "Timbouktou".

The rabby is first. He starts: "I was a rabby ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.



Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

A lady goes to the dentist...

... he looks in her mouth and says "that tooth needs to come out".

She says "oh no I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth pulled!!"

He says "ok but make up your mind I need to adjust the chair"

Why are atoms selfish?

Because they're all that matter!


...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.

I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a l...

Asked my friend to make up a joke about two Canadians and a Bear

A visually impaired Canadian is notified that a bear has broken into his house and is eating all his food.

He hurries home and into the kitchen, where he finds A: his hairy housemate and B: a bear.

But he doesn't know which is which!

"Shoot us both," the housemate says, "it's th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Hickey

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to pay my tab at the pub but I was 15% short…

The waitress said we could fuck to make up the difference. When I held back most of my dick she asked what the hell I was doing. I told her my bill was paid this is just the tip.

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