President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

What do you call a kebab prepared by a librarian?

A shush-kebab

How did the apostles prepare for the Last Supper?

Peter set the table. Paul cooked the food. Jesus swept.

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.

"Nothing special", he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

How does a Jewish man prepare his tea?

Hebrews it

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Lawyers should never ask a Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big d...

The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...

So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

Joke about it all you want, but Rudy Giuliani is prepared to fight election fraud all the way up to the Supreme ...

... Courtyard by Marriott

How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party

They planet

The war was on, both sides prepared very well

There were spectators; Some said that white is better while the other said that black is better. You aren't allowed to kill soldiers of your own color, soldiers who left from their home aren't allowed to come back. The war is fought without technology but animals. Though some people still cheat with...

So I was in this seafood restaurant and waiter said to me "The special today is octopus but it does take four hours to prepare" "Why is that ?" I asked...

"Well we cook it alive and it keeps on turning the gas off" he said...

An American man and a Russian woman prepare for a ravenous night of lovemaking

The Russian woman walked in the bedroom wearing nothing but a bra and panties. As she walked in, the man heard a faint “Hello! Hello!” coming from her nether regions with each step she took. “Where’s that sound coming from?” The man asked with a confused look on his face. The Russian woman smiled an...

I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON"....

(stand back and watch the fun.)

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

What is the best way to prepare fish?

Send them to good schools.

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

“You’d better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It’s unpleasantly like being drunk.”

"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"

"Ask a glass of water!”

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

How do emo bands prepare for their shows?

They self-harmonize.

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

Little Johnny decided to prepare ahead of the next day's lesson on fractions,

so he approached his father. His partly sober dad took his time to help Johnny using all the illustrations he could lay his hand upon.

The next day, after noticing how bright and happily Johnny appeared, the teacher tried to direct some questions to him.

Teacher: "What's 1/8 + 1/8?"...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the fucking queue is!!"

The legend of the three kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake.For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lke.One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.

The ni...

Hookers were prepared for the pandemic

because they’ve always offered curbside pickup.

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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A man was eating at a restaurant ...

When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are alway...

A Hippopotamus is going to University to study and prepare for a career in brain surgery.

He went to the Hippocampus.

This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic.

Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.

A man goes to a restaurant and has the most delicious turkey he's ever tasted...

He asks the chef, "How do you prepare the turkeys?"

The chef replies, "Oh, nothing special, we just tell them they're gonna die."

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There was a young couple very much in love...

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "S...

A struggling corporation fires its CEO and hires a new one. (Oldie but goodie)

The outgoing CEO has a meeting with the new CEO and tells him: "Behind the painting on the wall is a safe. There are three numbered envelopes in the safe. If you find yourself in trouble, and fear for your job, open the first one. The next time you're trouble, open the second, and so on. Do not open...

I wish I had prepared for Alzheimer's when I was a younger man.

If I only know now what I knew then...

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

The Test

A teacher has prepared a test for two of her students. One kid is very clever and the other kid is a bit slow, to say the least.

The test has 10 questions and the teacher sits both kids down in the classroom and gives them 45 minutes to complete the test.

Once completed by the students...

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Everyone is angry at the White House because they had time to prepare for Corona, but what about the Egyptians?

Egyptian mummies predicted Covid-19 in the prophecies by social distancing in big houses and hoarding toilet papers.

The Lucky Frog

A man goes golfing and notices a frog in the green at the first hole. He doesn’t think anything about it, puts the ball on the tee and prepares to swing when he hears, “Ribbit, 9 iron.”

The man looks around in surprise but doesn’t see anyone. He turns back to his ball and prepares to swing a...

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God

"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".

The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

In the 15th century, the end of the plague was celebrated by mass orgies...

Anything similar being prepared for Covid? I'm asking for a friend...

what do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

Prepared.

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

I think Germany was the best prepared country for Covid-19.

They already have a tradition of greeting each other at a distance.

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Are these plates clean?

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold...

My Neighbor is so Dumb

I told her to get prepared because the Blizzard of 2020 is coming.

She started jumping up and down, laughing, and screaming with delight

I said, "Why are you so happy?"

She said, "I love it when Dairy Queen gets new items"

A couple live outside Buffalo, and are used to the rhythms of preparing for large snows.

One of these preparations for many years has been tuning in to the local radio station at 6:00 the night before a storm for an important announcement.

On a typical pre-storm night, the wife would tune in just prior to 6 to hear a message about which side of the street cars were to be parked o...

A different game of thrones

Long ago a then famous reporter of the times traveled to a little known kingdom deep in the heart of Africa, accompanied by translators and bearers of course. It was not very technologically advanced, with no plumbing and clay and stray being the primary building materials.

Upon arrival he w...

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

Which NBA team is most prepared for the quarantine?

The Pacers

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A pothead goes to the local dealer.

He says:
- Yo, gimme something new, something strong!
- Alright man, this is the new product in the market. replies the dealer. It's called "Light-Dark".
- Light-Dark? Why? asks the pothead.
- Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see why.

Our pothead buys the stuff, arrives at h...

The perfect AI

Some many years into the future...

Scientist : Yessss!!!! After years of work, I have finally created the perfect AI humanoid. This robot has its own brain and can think and do exactly like a human being. Can't wait to try it out.

He switches humanoid on and thinks of a challenging t...

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After weeks of preparation, I was ready to begin my trip across the world to Sydney.

I prepared my luggage, boarded the plane, and after 17 hours I was in Australia. I rented a car, drove a while, and at long last I saw a sign that said "SYDNEY LEFT". "Well shit," I said, so I packed up my stuff and went back home.

Preparations for parenthood.

Not sure you are prepared to be a parent, here are some tips to get you started.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a giant beanbag chair down the front and leave it for 9 months. After the 9 months, empty out approximately 10-20% of the beans.
<...

PRIEST: you may now read the vows you have prepared

ME: I think I misunderstood the assignment

"just read what you have"

ME: ok [deep breath]... A E I O U

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

What kind of food does a toddler prepare with a sharp knife in the kitchen?

Finger food.

Do you know who have ultimate fate in humanity?

Calendar makers who already prepare calendars for 2021.

Little Timmy asked the Jewish bakery owner “What’s the challah cost?”

He wasn’t prepared for the anger-fuelled history lesson.

A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.

He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight. Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily. The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.

Hour...

Speedy Gonzalez got a job at construction site.

His boss liked his lunches as fresh as possible. One of Speedy’s responsibilities was to go to the boss’s house each day at noon to get the lunch the boss’s wife had just prepared.

Speedy was the fastest to ever have this responsibility. Everyday for a year it took Speedy exactly 5 minutes to...

Gynecologist Career Change

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork so he decided to give up practicing medicine.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classe...

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

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It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the memb...

I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.

The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.

At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hairy...

A woman gets her husband's test results

"Well", the doctor says, "your husband could get very old, but you have to keep an eye on him. He must not get agitated, for the least worry could worsen his heart condition. He needs to have a strict diet that you'll have to prepare for him, and you have to make sure he exercises. Keep anything awa...

Last weekend my wifey asked me to bring her to one of those restaurants where they prepare food in front of you...

... so i brought her to Subway ... since then she hasn’t spoken to me 😥

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

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A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

A man thinks his wife is getting deaf.

A man is sitting in his living room while his wife is working in the room next to it. As he gets up to prepare some coffee, he yells if she wants some too. There’s no response. “My wife seems to be losing her hearing”, he thinks.

He visits their doctor, asking for advice. “Doctor, my wife nev...

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on t...

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

Tootie Greene

My ex-husband was once asked by our pastor to fill in for him one Sunday. He obliged, but then the pastor warned him about a woman named Tootie Greene. Apparently she likes to come into service and antoganize the pastor during his sermon. Ex-husband says OK and comes home to prepare for the follo...

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The power of booze.

Chapayev was a famous Red Army commander during the Russian Civil War.
He often travelled with a young aid named Peter.
One day they were holding a farm until reinforcements would arrive.

- Commander, I got from the radio that the enemy is five miles away!
- Let's drink to it.
Th...

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I've had 3 years of casual sex

I guess I'm finally prepared for competitive sex.

Three boys are complaining about their fathers...

Boy 1: My father is stingy! On my birthday, he only prepared three types of food!

Boy 2: My father is stingier. He only prepared two types of food for my birthday.

Boy 3: Your fathers are big spenders compared to mine. My father made sure I have five types of food for my birthday.
<...

"You gotta prepare me for stuff like that!"

A man goes out of town on business, and asks his good friend if he can house sit for him whiles he's gone. The friend agrees, and a week later, the man shows back up at his home.

"Hey bro!" the man says as he opens his front door. "How did it go while I was gone? Everything go ok?"

"Yo...

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The lion, king of the jungle, gets bored

So he decides to visit his friend the fox and tells him about how bored he was..

The fox says to the Lion "you know, rabbit lives next to you, maybe you can fuck with him to pass the time"

"But how?" Says the lion

Fox - "next time you see him, if he is not wearing a hat give him...

I prepared a surprise dinner for my GF to teach her about different kind of spices

She doesn't know what's cumin

The Wrong E-mail Address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel
schedules. It w...

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

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I haven't prepared for my presentation tomorrow on "how to properly remove a wedgie"...

I'm just going to pull it out of my arse.

A Young Pastor Had Prepared a Long and Passionate Sermon for his New Congregation

But the night before he was to deliver this sermon, the town was hit by a big blizzard, and the roads were icy and impassable. In fact, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the church that Sunday morning. The pastor said, "I guess we won't have a service today."

The farmer replied: "Wh...

Which scientific technique prepares you the best for prison?

Cell culture.

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Sikh Joke

Each Friday night after work, Sardar would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbors were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled ...

Jim Bob Trains A Parrot

Jim Bob is walking to work and passes a pet store. There is a new parrot on a perch outside of a pet store.

“Squawk! Hello handsome!” Said the bird to Jim Bob.
Jim Bob smiles and goes inside to buy the bird.

“$1000 dollars” said the owner. Jim Bob doesn’t have the money but the ow...

A man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a pint. After he finishes , he peeks inside his shirt's pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another pint.

After he finishes, he again peeks inside his shirt's pocket and orders the bartender to bring another pint. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' drinks all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt's pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm pe...

Properly prepared

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke t...

I told my Catholic priest that I was going to convert to Judaism...

He told me to "prepare for unforeskin consequences".

For those who dare steal Death's pillows..

Prepare yourself for the reaper cushions

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