Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry?

Because we live in a mask era.

Trump wears so much makeup, I think he's hiding something

And if his thick foundation is anything like mine, it's probably the bones of a half-dozen hookers.

What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear?

Frowndation.

Girls get home from a long day at work and instantly take off all their makeup......

I call that a 9 to 5.

What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup

Ma-SCARE-ya

 

*^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*

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They say makeup sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial?

Because it was in your mom's browser history.

Ok, thank you dad.

No problem,

Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.

They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.

The day of the makeup test, the ...

What's China's favorite makeup to wear?

Concealer.

The Exam

Three Highschool Sr's decided to blow off their final exam for their logic class, and spend the day getting wasted.

When they returned to class the next day they explained to the professor that they were unable to get to class the day before due to a flat tire and no cell phone coverage in th...

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NSFW morgue joke

A guy has his first shift at a morgue, he’s told to dress and do makeup on an old lady for an open casket.

A few minutes later he comes into see the boss “there’s a prawn coming out of her vagina!”

The boss comes to have a look “you idiot, that’s just a really big old clitoris!”
...

Since other people liked the Turkish joke I translated, here’s another one

Nasreddin Hodja was on his deathbed. He called her wife and told her to dress up nicely and wear makeup. She was confused about why he wanted that, so she asked him why.

“Well, when the reaper comes he might like you more and take you with him instead of me.”

I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.

She looked surprised.

As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder...

Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*

So a boss walks into his business meeting

He sits at the head of the table and says
“We need to stop testing our products on animals”

One of his employees exclaim “Why?! Makeup brands do it all the time!”

He turns to her and says “Susan? We make hammers, what do you not understand!”

In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied..

That is what the beer was for.

Who do you go to to get your hair and makeup done during this pandemic?

A mortician



Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !

My Wife is really getting fed up with all these makeup ads on TV

So I changed the Chanel

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I saw that my wife’s eye makeup smeared all around when she woke up this morning.

I couldn’t even raccoon-eyes her.

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Little Johnny and his family are preparing for Christmas dinner.

Johnny goes upstairs to his brothers room while he’s playing video games. His brother gets a kill and yells “Yeah, eat that bitch!”
Little Johnny asks, “Hey bro, what does that word mean?”
His brother looks around hurriedly and replies “It means uh...a lovely lady.”

Little Johnny goe...

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An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

A 9 year old child was rummaging through his mother's makeup cabinet when he found a age reducing ointment...

The label mentioned that you will look 10 years younger. Not know what it was exactly, the child rubbed the ointment all over his body.

Hours later, the mother noticed the lack of noise and went to check on her child. To her dismay, she saw her makeup supplies scattered about, found her anti ...

What is the only time where complimenting a girls makeup skills would get you slapped

the first time you see her without it

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My brother works at a funeral home. He told me this joke.

One day a mortician is working on a recently deceased woman's body. He applies makeup to make her more life-like and retrieves a nice dress for her to wear for her upcoming funeral. He slides the dress over her but stops short when he notices a big shrimp is stuck in her private parts. He calls the ...

A woman goes to buy a tv

She goes to the salesman and says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.”
He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset the woman leaves

It is the next day and she wears a different outfit with a wig. The woman is sure the salesman won’t recognize her. She says, “I’d like to ...

What's the only class in high school with makeup exams?

Cosmetology.

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

A woman asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup.

I told her it depends on whether or not she was trying to kill Batman.

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Two men are cleaning windows on the 99th floor in a lift. One of them has an urge to pee.

Not wanting to travel all the way down Tom proposes he could piss down from the side. Chris hesitates a little because he's afraid of falling down. Tom says he'll hold Chris and Chris agrees. Chris starts pissing down but Tom gets distracted by a fly and he lets Chris go...


A month later ...

Testing makeup on animals is WRONG...

They are cute enough already.




^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke.

A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me.

Boy, eyelashed out.

A trans woman complained about having her makeup done without her consent.

"I told him not to do it but he did anyway!"

But the guy who did her makeup told his side of the story:

"You DID consent. I asked if I could do it and your exact words were 'I'll pass, thanks.'"

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

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Husband: Why are you applying makeup so late at night hon?

Wife: I face-lock my phone while my makeup was on & now that fucking thing isn’t working.

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Kim Jong-un has unfortunately died and the North Korean subordinates gathered for a serious meeting.

After hours of discussion, they decided it'd be best to replace him with a look alike to fool the foreign leaders. A Kim Jong-un look alike contest was organised and the winner was to be selected to rule Korea.

Fliers and posters of the contest was all over North Korea and a majority of the...

Two blondes are waiting for the bus...

The first one decides to touch up her makeup, so she grabs her lipstick and a small mirror and starts touching up her lips.

"HEY!!", she says surprised, while looking into the mirror. "I know this person!!".

Her friend, startled, looks at her and says "What!? Let me see!".

The f...

Recently I met a pair of twins named Sharon and Karen

They were wearing the same clothes, same makeup, and same personality. In fact, they were pretty much the same person. So I guess it is just as they say,

Sharon is Karen

What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor?

Pretty Sir Eel

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My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home.

My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful.

She needs a team of surgeons.

Russian to get to the punchline

Why was Putin late for the party he was PUTIN on some makeup!

Why was Stalin late for the party he was STALIN for time!

Why was Lenin late for the party he was waiting for his LENIN to dry!

Why was Trotsky late for the party he got into a car crash.

What do you call an STD that loves makeup?

Glamydia

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Its thanksgiving

A little boy around 4 years old is watching his dad cut the turkey. He accidentally cuts his hand and he yells "fuck." The boy asks his dad what that word means. His dad says it means to cut.

The boy then goes to the bathroom where his mum is putting on makeup. Her hand slips and she goes "s...

This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade .

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess,the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** ...

Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial

SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money

The spooky makeup

What is the spookiest make-up?

Mas-Scare-AHHHH

She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...."

He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."

She: "How nice, you are so sweet."

He: "You need plastic surgery."

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People are coming to a families house to interview the father for a job

The kid comes home from school. He goes into the kitchen to see the Dad putting the chicken in the oven, the dad burns himself with the oven and goes "fuck". The kid asks the dad what fuck means and the dad goes "prepare".
The kid leaves and goes into the moms room where she is putting on makeup....

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

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I went a week without makeup and here's what happened:

Nothing. No one gave a shit.

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this mor...

Why do women wear perfume and makeup?

Because they're ugly and they stink

*Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old

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What do you call it when a guy cums all over a girls face?

Genetic makeup

Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory?

It was a total mascara.

Why is the Joker's makeup like a whitewashed tomb, his lips like torn paper, his eyes like burning suns?

Because when he was young, the Joker's father said
"Let's put a simile on that face!"

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

What did Justin Trudeau say to a black guy?

"You must tell me who does your makeup, its really well done!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white girl, an Asian girl and a black girl are on a plane...

At a certain point an engine fails and the plane crashes into the ocean.
As the plane is sinking the white girl quickly grabs her bag and starts putting on makeup and says: "When the rescue gets here they will obviously look for the prettiest women first".
The Asian girl quickly grabs all he...

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A man walks into a bar and says “a round on me, I’m getting married”

“I had to make a difficult decision between 3 women”
The bartender asks “oh yeah, how so?”
“Well,” says the man “I had 3 potential brides so I decided to do an experiment. I gave each woman $1000 to see what they would do with it.”

The man goes on “the first was Lucy. She spent the mone...

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist....

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with "If we as...

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to buy. [Long]

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to she wants to buy. She goes to the only cashier (who is also the manager of the place) and tells him:

"How much is this hair dryer?"

The cashier replies: "This is not for sale".

The blonde returns the item and leaves. Next da...

What do Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley do after an argument?

They KISS and makeup

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

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God gave the woman...

God gave the woman beautiful eyebrows
She didn't like this, so she removed them and drew her own



God gave the woman pretty nails
She disliked this, so she cut them and put artificial ones



God gave the woman a pretty face
She hated it, so she put makeup on...

"Dad, why did you put lipstick on your head?"

"Because your mother told me to makeup my mind"

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

Son: Mom, what is that?

Mom: It's called makeup my boy.
Son: Why are you taking it on your face?
Mom: It is to make me look pretty.
Son: Oh okay.
*After a while*
Son: When is it going to work?

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After sticking a bunch of lipstick up my butt, I realized one thing.

Makeup sex is highly overrated.

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