What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup

Ma-SCARE-ya

 

*^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*

What's China's favorite makeup to wear?

Concealer.

What is the only time where complimenting a girls makeup skills would get you slapped

the first time you see her without it

What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear?

Frowndation.

I don’t like girls who wear makeup...

Because they mascara me away

As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder...

Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*

A 9 year old child was rummaging through his mother's makeup cabinet when he found a age reducing ointment...

The label mentioned that you will look 10 years younger. Not know what it was exactly, the child rubbed the ointment all over his body.

Hours later, the mother noticed the lack of noise and went to check on her child. To her dismay, she saw her makeup supplies scattered about, found her anti ...

My Wife is really getting fed up with all these makeup ads on TV

So I changed the Chanel

A trans woman complained about having her makeup done without her consent.

"I told him not to do it but he did anyway!"

But the guy who did her makeup told his side of the story:

"You DID consent. I asked if I could do it and your exact words were 'I'll pass, thanks.'"

Why do women wear perfume and makeup?

Because they're ugly and they stink

*Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband: Why are you applying makeup so late at night hon?

Wife: I face-lock my phone while my makeup was on & now that fucking thing isn’t working.

My wife was putting her makeup on...

I commented that she had drawn her eyebrows a little high.


She looked surprised.

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied..

That is what the beer was for.

What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor?

Pretty Sir Eel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw that my wife’s eye makeup smeared all around when she woke up this morning.

I couldn’t even raccoon-eyes her.

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this mor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home.

What do you call an STD that loves makeup?

Glamydia

A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me.

Boy, eyelashed out.

Testing makeup on animals is WRONG...

They are cute enough already.




^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and says “a round on me, I’m getting married”

“I had to make a difficult decision between 3 women”
The bartender asks “oh yeah, how so?”
“Well,” says the man “I had 3 potential brides so I decided to do an experiment. I gave each woman $1000 to see what they would do with it.”

The man goes on “the first was Lucy. She spent the mone...

A woman asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup.

I told her it depends on whether or not she was trying to kill Batman.

My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful.

She needs a team of surgeons.

Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial

SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went a week without makeup and here's what happened:

Nothing. No one gave a shit.

Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory?

It was a total mascara.

The spooky makeup

What is the spookiest make-up?

Mas-Scare-AHHHH

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a guy cums all over a girls face?

Genetic makeup

What did Justin Trudeau say to a black guy?

"You must tell me who does your makeup, its really well done!"

What do Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley do after an argument?

They KISS and makeup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white girl, an Asian girl and a black girl are on a plane...

At a certain point an engine fails and the plane crashes into the ocean.
As the plane is sinking the white girl quickly grabs her bag and starts putting on makeup and says: "When the rescue gets here they will obviously look for the prettiest women first".
The Asian girl quickly grabs all he...

She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...."

He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."

She: "How nice, you are so sweet."

He: "You need plastic surgery."

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to buy. [Long]

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to she wants to buy. She goes to the only cashier (who is also the manager of the place) and tells him:

"How much is this hair dryer?"

The cashier replies: "This is not for sale".

The blonde returns the item and leaves. Next da...

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist....

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with "If we as...

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

I once made a man blush

But apparently "guys don't wear makeup."

Son: Mom, what is that?

Mom: It's called makeup my boy.
Son: Why are you taking it on your face?
Mom: It is to make me look pretty.
Son: Oh okay.
*After a while*
Son: When is it going to work?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

"Dad, why did you put lipstick on your head?"

"Because your mother told me to makeup my mind"

What is marriage really like?

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner... unannounced at 7:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothe...

Cops and Speeders

TW: blonde joke

A blonde was driving on the highway and a motorcycle officer pulled her over for speeding.

The officer approached the drivers door and when her helmet came off, turns it was a blonde female cop. She asked the driver for her license. The driver frantically searched ...

My friend Ara and I agreed to meet up a mask party.

When I got there she was wearing a mask completely made of Makeup.

I looked at her and said, “That’s some nice mask Ara.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sticking a bunch of lipstick up my butt, I realized one thing.

Makeup sex is highly overrated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Him: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God gave the woman...

God gave the woman beautiful eyebrows
She didn't like this, so she removed them and drew her own



God gave the woman pretty nails
She disliked this, so she cut them and put artificial ones



God gave the woman a pretty face
She hated it, so she put makeup on...

Courtesy of my 8 year old: Why did the lipstick, eyeliner, and foundation keep fighting each other?

Because they could never makeup!

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

A cosmetology student had to retake her final exam...

It was a makeup makeup test.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Choosing a Bride . . .

A man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among the three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and wanted to see what they would do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Naive Priest in the Big City

There’s this young priest who’s spent virtually his entire life in a monastery. He is sent to work in one of the poorer areas of a big city. The priest has never seen a city so after settling into his new post he decides to take a long walk to explore things. A couple blocks away from the church he ...

iPhone X has face recognition...

so girls aren't gonna be able to unlock their phones when they take their makeup off

Damn women drivers!

This morning on the highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 kms with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving... and when I looked back she was halfway over in m...

So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar smiling.

He looks way too happy. He buys everyone a drink. The bar tender notices all this and asks, "hey man whats got you in such a good mood?" the guy says, "Well I was at work, and I did this girl's hair and makeup, and one thing led to another, and we ended up fucking!" The bar tender is like "oh cool! ...

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True Golf Buddies

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f__king mess and the d...

A blonde girl goes to an appliance store

She spots the t.v. she's been saving up for, picks it up and goes to the cashier
The cashier says "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes"
Disgruntled she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she goes into the appliance store, picks out the same t.v. and once again goes to...

My friends all call me a chick magnet.

However due to my lack of ferromagnetic material in my chemical makeup I can can’t seem to think of what repels all these girls.

A blonde gets pulled over by a blonde cop

Blonde cop: May I see your driving license?

Blonde driver: Driving license? What's that?

Blonde cop: The thing with your face on it

Blonde driver: Alright

Blonde driver: Reaches in her handbag and hands over her makeup mirror to the cop

Blonde Cop: Sorry, we didn't...

What happens every time Gene Simmons gets in a fight with his band mates?

They Kiss and makeup

Why are there such few women in politics?

Because it's hard enough for women to put makeup on one face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided I wanted to be creative in coming out to my dad...

so one day I put on some makeup. When my dad came in I looked at him with a smile and said "I'm fucking Fabulous!"

He just stared at me and said "Stop doing that" before turning and leaving.

Figuring that I needed to be more clear, I did my hair up and put on some gorgeous nails. When ...

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump?

Trump wears more makeup.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.