UPJOKE
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Makeup Jokes

What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear?

Frowndation.

What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup

Ma-SCARE-ya

 

*^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*

What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital?

Cos-medics

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They say makeup sex is the best sex

But I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle

My wife was putting her makeup on...

I commented that she had drawn her eyebrows a little high.


She looked surprised.

What do you call a company that sells makeup?

A foundation.

As she was doing her makeup, I told my fiancee that she looked like an Apache warfighter

Her: that's kinda racist
Me: Sioux me

A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay, It was at Walmart."

What did Johnny Depp's lawyer say when they found Amber Heard's "bruise makeup kit" wasn't made before 2017?

Objection, lack of foundation

Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry?

Because we live in a mask era.

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied..

That is what the beer was for.

Why did the vampire not put on his makeup before a date?

He just couldn’t see himself doing it.

Trump wears so much makeup, I think he's hiding something

And if his thick foundation is anything like mine, it's probably the bones of a half-dozen hookers.

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams, "You fucking dickhead, my hair and makeup are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month! Why the fuck did you bring him home? The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting married"...

What's the most responsible makeup you can apply during the pandemic?

Mask-era.

Testing makeup on animals is WRONG...

They are cute enough already.




^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke.

A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me.

Boy, eyelashed out.

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I’ve had makeup sex only once in my life.

It took forever to get the waterproof mascara off my penis.

Girls be sweating their makeup off at work

Call that a 9 to 5

Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur.

Call it *Mulan Rouge*

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

As I watched an ongoing fued between two YouTube makeup influencers I couldnt help but wonder...

Was this because their relationship was based on a bad foundation?

I don’t like girls who wear makeup...

Because they mascara me away

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My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home.

What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor?

Pretty Sir Eel

Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial

SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money

What is marriage really like?

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner... unannounced at 7:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothe...

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I saw that my wife’s eye makeup smeared all around when she woke up this morning.

I couldn’t even raccoon-eyes her.

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

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At school

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your...

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The Hippie and the Nun

The Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.

When the bus starts again, the bu...

Who do you go to to get your hair and makeup done during this pandemic?

A mortician



Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !

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I went a week without makeup and here's what happened:

Nothing. No one gave a shit.

Ever since I made some changes in my life, people have been saying that I have that "It" factor.

The clown makeup and red balloon really do wonders!

One Adam Twelve

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was ...

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

What's China's favorite makeup to wear?

Concealer.

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Husband: Why are you applying makeup so late at night hon?

Wife: I face-lock my phone while my makeup was on & now that fucking thing isn’t working.

What's the only class in high school with makeup exams?

Cosmetology.

What do you call an STD that loves makeup?

Glamydia

A guy walks into a bar on Halloween

A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer. "I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. "What are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "I'm a were...

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this mor...

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A man moves to a very small town...

...with a population of a couple hundred people. He bought a place here sight-unseen as he was tired of the rat race in the big city. Figured it would be a nice change of scenery.

After a few days he goes to the sole bar/restaurant. He notices only men are there. He asks if there are any wom...

A trans woman complained about having her makeup done without her consent.

"I told him not to do it but he did anyway!"

But the guy who did her makeup told his side of the story:

"You DID consent. I asked if I could do it and your exact words were 'I'll pass, thanks.'"

Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial?

Because it was in your mom's browser history.

Ok, thank you dad.

No problem,

She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...."

He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."

She: "How nice, you are so sweet."

He: "You need plastic surgery."

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A man's choice

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys severa...

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A young university student is failing her history class

So she decides to see if she can, shall we say, convince her professor to give her a passing grade. She does her hair and makeup, puts on a skimpy dress and heels, and goes to his office.

"Professor," she says, "I'm afraid that I might fail your class."

"That's true," he says, barely ...

Letter to Bob

Dear Bob,

I enjoy your advice column and have a personal question for you.

Recently I noticed my wife has been spending a lot of evenings "out with friends."

Also, I sometimes get phone calls where the caller hangs up as soon as I say "hello."

Last night she went ou...

A small company hosts a costume party

A small startup company announces they will be holding an employee costume party to celebrate the end of their first fiscal year in business.

The theme of the party is “Past and Present” to celebrate the work that has been done while also looking forward to the years to come. To further expa...

The real husband

In King Solomon's court, two men and a woman stood before the king.

\- “This woman is my wife!" said the first man. “I married her 30 years ago!"

\- "No, she's my wife!” said the second man. “I married her 30 years ago, but this man just stole her from me!"

Solomon then turned t...

Original joke!

What do buildings and makeup have in common?

They both have some sort of foundation!

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I went to the Worst Strip Club in Texas

There was only one other person there, a 80-something year old woman with flabby tits and makeup so thick it caked up around her eyes. She was sitting on the edge of the stage, smoking a rolled up cigarette between her dentures with her prosthetic metal hook hand.

When she saw me, she stood u...

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I missed a day at the cosmetology school

My teacher said I now have to take a makeup class.

What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common?

Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.

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Black boy decided that it wants to be white.

So, the child did all the makeup and made himself white.

He went to his mother and told her that from this day on, he is white. His mum wasn't really happy, so she beat him and send him to his father.

The boy went to his dad and he told him the same thing he told his mother. His dad ...

Why did the DNA chain blush?

It was part of his genetic makeup.

Blonde wife

A blonde woman and her husband had an argument. The wife felt bad after her husband stormed out of the house so she went to the hardware store to buy him a makeup gift. The store clerk asked her what she had in mind for her husband. She said, "Well, the last thing he told me he wanted was a cheap ho...

Money's a bit tight, so my wife said i'd have to stop buying beer...

...then she buys $80 worth of makeup. I ask her why she can buy stuff like that but i can't.

She says the makeup is so she'll look attractive for me. I answered well that's what the beer is for.

I don't think she's coming back this time...

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True Golf Buddies

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f__king mess and the d...

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

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Arranged Marriage

A guy meets three potential girls on a couple of dates to decide his bride for an arranged marriage. His friend asks, “so how did it go?”

Guy: “Well, I decided to do a little experiment. On first date, I gave each of them $1000, and then asked them what they did with it on the second date a w...

Why do women wear perfume and makeup?

Because they're ugly and they stink

*Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old

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A guy walks into a bar smiling.

He looks way too happy. He buys everyone a drink. The bar tender notices all this and asks, "hey man whats got you in such a good mood?" the guy says, "Well I was at work, and I did this girl's hair and makeup, and one thing led to another, and we ended up fucking!" The bar tender is like "oh cool! ...

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date

After some time of flirting on the Internet, the girl decided to invite the guy to her place. At the appointed time, she is put aside, put on make-up, sits and waits with satisfaction.
But time flies and the guy is still gone. An hour or two passes ... after 4 hours the girl got pissed off, wa...

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

A woman ran into the building and bounced in front of the man in spectacles.

"Doctor," she said. "I want you to tell me quite frankly what's wrong with me!"

The man sighed, took off his glasses, and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ma'am, to be honest, I can tell you three things. One: you ought to lose at least 20 pounds to fit into that dress. Two: you are wearing e...

Why so serious?

A lady asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup.
I told her it depends ...
on whether she was trying to kill Batman or not.

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A salesman was making the rounds in a neighborhood...

He knocked on a door, and after a while a teenage boy answered wearing a bra and panties, high heels and makeup.

The salesman said, "ahem, um, son are your parents home?"

The boy said, "What the fuck do you think?"

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A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child.

A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child. A boy, who grows to have his father's passion for art. One day when the boy is coming of age they have a big argument and the young man leaves his father's house to go out on his own. He is gone for many years.

During tha...

A blonde girl goes to an appliance store

She spots the t.v. she's been saving up for, picks it up and goes to the cashier
The cashier says "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes"
Disgruntled she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she goes into the appliance store, picks out the same t.v. and once again goes to...

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Three flight attendants are at work when the captain announces that everyone should prepare for a crash landing.

The blonde flight attendant sits down and starts doing her makeup. "I figure, " she explains, "that if I'm looking pretty I'll be rescued first."

Seeing no flaws in this logic, the second flight attendant starts trying to fix his hair.

Our third attendant, a black woman, starts thinki...

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A boy is being bullied in school [very long]

And the bullies call him and his friends "bitches and bastards". When the boy gets home, he asks his parents what "bitches and bastards are". His dad blushes, and says, "Well, they're just ladies and gentlemen".

Later, his parents are talking, and the boy overhears his dad say "condom". "Dad...

Q: Why aren't cosmetics students scared of missing their exams?

A: Because they like to take makeup tests!

Knock knock

-Who's there?

Eye makeup

-Eye makeup who?

Did you flush?

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