As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder...

Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

A 9 year old child was rummaging through his mother's makeup cabinet when he found a age reducing ointment...

The label mentioned that you will look 10 years younger. Not know what it was exactly, the child rubbed the ointment all over his body.

Hours later, the mother noticed the lack of noise and went to check on her child. To her dismay, she saw her makeup supplies scattered about, found her anti ...

What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear?

Frowndation.

My wife was putting her makeup on...

I commented that she had drawn her eyebrows a little high.


She looked surprised.

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this mor...

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor?

Pretty Sir Eel

Why do women wear perfume and makeup?

Because they're ugly and they stink

*Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old

In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied..

That is what the beer was for.

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Husband: Why are you applying makeup so late at night hon?

Wife: I face-lock my phone while my makeup was on & now that fucking thing isn’t working.

What do you call an STD that loves makeup?

Glamydia

My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful.

She needs a team of surgeons.

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My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home.

A woman asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup.

I told her it depends on whether or not she was trying to kill Batman.

Testing makeup on animals is WRONG...

They are cute enough already.




^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke.

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[NSFW] [LONG] A young boy is walking home...

He passes through a park and hears a couple having sex. The man says “I love your pussy” and the girl says “you have a great dick”.

The curious boy asks them what dicks and pussies are. The man, trying to make up an excuse, says “er….they're others names for men and women”.

The boy con...

A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me.

Boy, eyelashed out.

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I hate my job.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. Sh...

She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...."

He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."

She: "How nice, you are so sweet."

He: "You need plastic surgery."

Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory?

It was a total mascara.

Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial

SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money

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I went a week without makeup and here's what happened:

Nothing. No one gave a shit.

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist....

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with "If we as...

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Three ladies meet up for a drink

Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.

The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'He...

I once made a man blush

But apparently "guys don't wear makeup."

What brand of makeup does cap'n crunch wear

C'ereàl

Son: Mom, what is that?

Mom: It's called makeup my boy.
Son: Why are you taking it on your face?
Mom: It is to make me look pretty.
Son: Oh okay.
*After a while*
Son: When is it going to work?

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

"Dad, why did you put lipstick on your head?"

"Because your mother told me to makeup my mind"

What is marriage really like?

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner... unannounced at 7:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothe...

So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

Cops and Speeders

TW: blonde joke

A blonde was driving on the highway and a motorcycle officer pulled her over for speeding.

The officer approached the drivers door and when her helmet came off, turns it was a blonde female cop. She asked the driver for her license. The driver frantically searched ...

Courtesy of my 8 year old: Why did the lipstick, eyeliner, and foundation keep fighting each other?

Because they could never makeup!

My friend Ara and I agreed to meet up a mask party.

When I got there she was wearing a mask completely made of Makeup.

I looked at her and said, “That’s some nice mask Ara.”

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After sticking a bunch of lipstick up my butt, I realized one thing.

Makeup sex is highly overrated.

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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Him: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

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Choosing a Bride . . .

A man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among the three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and wanted to see what they would do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; bu...

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God gave the woman...

God gave the woman beautiful eyebrows
She didn't like this, so she removed them and drew her own



God gave the woman pretty nails
She disliked this, so she cut them and put artificial ones



God gave the woman a pretty face
She hated it, so she put makeup on...

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Naive Priest in the Big City

There’s this young priest who’s spent virtually his entire life in a monastery. He is sent to work in one of the poorer areas of a big city. The priest has never seen a city so after settling into his new post he decides to take a long walk to explore things. A couple blocks away from the church he ...

Damn women drivers!

This morning on the highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 kms with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving... and when I looked back she was halfway over in m...

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

A blonde girl goes to an appliance store

She spots the t.v. she's been saving up for, picks it up and goes to the cashier
The cashier says "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes"
Disgruntled she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she goes into the appliance store, picks out the same t.v. and once again goes to...

A cosmetology student had to retake her final exam...

It was a makeup makeup test.

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

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A guy walks into a bar smiling.

He looks way too happy. He buys everyone a drink. The bar tender notices all this and asks, "hey man whats got you in such a good mood?" the guy says, "Well I was at work, and I did this girl's hair and makeup, and one thing led to another, and we ended up fucking!" The bar tender is like "oh cool! ...

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True Golf Buddies

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f__king mess and the d...

My friends all call me a chick magnet.

However due to my lack of ferromagnetic material in my chemical makeup I can can’t seem to think of what repels all these girls.

iPhone X has face recognition...

so girls aren't gonna be able to unlock their phones when they take their makeup off

A blonde gets pulled over by a blonde cop

Blonde cop: May I see your driving license?

Blonde driver: Driving license? What's that?

Blonde cop: The thing with your face on it

Blonde driver: Alright

Blonde driver: Reaches in her handbag and hands over her makeup mirror to the cop

Blonde Cop: Sorry, we didn't...

What happens every time Gene Simmons gets in a fight with his band mates?

They Kiss and makeup

Why are there such few women in politics?

Because it's hard enough for women to put makeup on one face.

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I decided I wanted to be creative in coming out to my dad...

so one day I put on some makeup. When my dad came in I looked at him with a smile and said "I'm fucking Fabulous!"

He just stared at me and said "Stop doing that" before turning and leaving.

Figuring that I needed to be more clear, I did my hair up and put on some gorgeous nails. When ...

The Clown Joke (WARNING: Very Long)

Once upon a time – which is a terrible way to start a joke – there was a little boy named Billy.

Billy was six years old, and for the whole of his short life, he had been utterly and intensely obsessed with clowns. He had clown bed sheets and clown posters; he had clown toys and clown-themed...

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump?

Trump wears more makeup.

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly s...

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DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
===========...

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Hello Bitches and Bastards...

One day, a boy was walking by his parents' bedroom and overheard them talking about bitches and bastards. He stepped into the room and asked them:  

"Mummy, Daddy, what are bitches and bastards?".  

"Oh, people son. People." They replied.  

A little w...

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