UPJOKE
lipstickhairmake-uppaintcompositioneyelinercosmeticconstitutiontextureblackfacewar paintpowdermascarakohleyeshadow

What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear?

Frowndation.

What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup

Ma-SCARE-ya

 

*^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*

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They say makeup sex is the best sex

But I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle

What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital?

Cos-medics

Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry?

Because we live in a mask era.

What did Johnny Depp's lawyer say when they found Amber Heard's "bruise makeup kit" wasn't made before 2017?

Objection, lack of foundation

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.

She looked surprised.

What do you call a company that sells makeup?

A foundation.

Trump wears so much makeup, I think he's hiding something

And if his thick foundation is anything like mine, it's probably the bones of a half-dozen hookers.

A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay, It was at Walmart."

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They say makeup sex is awesome

but it just leaves my dick covered in lipstick

Money's a bit tight, so my wife said i'd have to stop buying beer...

...then she buys $80 worth of makeup. I ask her why she can buy stuff like that but i can't.

She says the makeup is so she'll look attractive for me. I answered well that's what the beer is for.

I don't think she's coming back this time...

Blonde wife

A blonde woman and her husband had an argument. The wife felt bad after her husband stormed out of the house so she went to the hardware store to buy him a makeup gift. The store clerk asked her what she had in mind for her husband. She said, "Well, the last thing he told me he wanted was a cheap ho...

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date

After some time of flirting on the Internet, the girl decided to invite the guy to her place. At the appointed time, she is put aside, put on make-up, sits and waits with satisfaction.
But time flies and the guy is still gone. An hour or two passes ... after 4 hours the girl got pissed off, wa...

Why did the DNA chain blush?

It was part of his genetic makeup.

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Black boy decided that it wants to be white.

So, the child did all the makeup and made himself white.

He went to his mother and told her that from this day on, he is white. His mum wasn't really happy, so she beat him and send him to his father.

The boy went to his dad and he told him the same thing he told his mother. His dad ...

A woman asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup.

I told her it depends on whether or not she was trying to kill Batman.

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I’ve had makeup sex only once in my life.

It took forever to get the waterproof mascara off my penis.

One Adam Twelve

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was ...

What's the most responsible makeup you can apply during the pandemic?

Mask-era.

In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied..

That is what the beer was for.

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

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Arranged Marriage

A guy meets three potential girls on a couple of dates to decide his bride for an arranged marriage. His friend asks, “so how did it go?”

Guy: “Well, I decided to do a little experiment. On first date, I gave each of them $1000, and then asked them what they did with it on the second date a w...

A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me.

Boy, eyelashed out.

Girls be sweating their makeup off at work

Call that a 9 to 5

Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur.

Call it *Mulan Rouge*

As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder...

Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*

My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful.

She needs a team of surgeons.

Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial

SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money

Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial?

Because it was in your mom's browser history.

Ok, thank you dad.

No problem,

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I saw that my wife’s eye makeup smeared all around when she woke up this morning.

I couldn’t even raccoon-eyes her.

Testing makeup on animals is WRONG...

They are cute enough already.




^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke.

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

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Three flight attendants are at work when the captain announces that everyone should prepare for a crash landing.

The blonde flight attendant sits down and starts doing her makeup. "I figure, " she explains, "that if I'm looking pretty I'll be rescued first."

Seeing no flaws in this logic, the second flight attendant starts trying to fix his hair.

Our third attendant, a black woman, starts thinki...

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My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home.

What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor?

Pretty Sir Eel

What's China's favorite makeup to wear?

Concealer.

Who do you go to to get your hair and makeup done during this pandemic?

A mortician



Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !

The Halloween costume

A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer. "I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. "What are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "I'm a were...

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Husband: Why are you applying makeup so late at night hon?

Wife: I face-lock my phone while my makeup was on & now that fucking thing isn’t working.

I don’t like girls who wear makeup...

Because they mascara me away

The spooky makeup

What is the spookiest make-up?

Mas-Scare-AHHHH

What do you call an STD that loves makeup?

Glamydia

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A salesman was making the rounds in a neighborhood...

He knocked on a door, and after a while a teenage boy answered wearing a bra and panties, high heels and makeup.

The salesman said, "ahem, um, son are your parents home?"

The boy said, "What the fuck do you think?"

A cosmetology student walks into a bar and orders a beer

A cosmetology student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "It's almost the end of the school year," the bartender notes. "You must be busy studying for finals." "Oh, we don't actually have finals in cosmetology school," the student replies. "We just have makeup exams."

What is marriage really like?

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner... unannounced at 7:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothe...

The wife stands on the scale

Wife: Honey I lost 2 kilos!

Husband: Don't celebrate yet you don't have your makeup on.

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

Why do women wear perfume and makeup?

Because they're ugly and they stink

*Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old

A Man was out shopping with his wife when he said to her can I buy that bottle of Whiskey it's on offer for £8.00 she replied no we cannot afford it, man says but you just spent £40.00 on makeup, she says that is to make me look good, man replies.

That is what the Whiskey was gonna be for...

What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common?

Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.

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I went a week without makeup and here's what happened:

Nothing. No one gave a shit.

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A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child.

A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child. A boy, who grows to have his father's passion for art. One day when the boy is coming of age they have a big argument and the young man leaves his father's house to go out on his own. He is gone for many years.

During tha...

Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory?

It was a total mascara.

A trans woman complained about having her makeup done without her consent.

"I told him not to do it but he did anyway!"

But the guy who did her makeup told his side of the story:

"You DID consent. I asked if I could do it and your exact words were 'I'll pass, thanks.'"

Q: Why aren't cosmetics students scared of missing their exams?

A: Because they like to take makeup tests!

Why is the Joker's makeup like a whitewashed tomb, his lips like torn paper, his eyes like burning suns?

Because when he was young, the Joker's father said
"Let's put a simile on that face!"

She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...."

He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."

She: "How nice, you are so sweet."

He: "You need plastic surgery."

Now That's A Good Date

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a ...

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this mor...

The Exam

Three Highschool Sr's decided to blow off their final exam for their logic class, and spend the day getting wasted.

When they returned to class the next day they explained to the professor that they were unable to get to class the day before due to a flat tire and no cell phone coverage in th...

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A man's choice

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys severa...

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A guy was shopping with his wife in the supermarket.

Going down the aisle he notices a special offer, of 2 boxes of beer for £10.00. So he says to his wife can I get 2 boxes.?

Wife: No we cannot afford it.

Husband: But you have just spent £50.00. On makeup.

Wife: That is to make me look attractive

Husband: That's what the f...

A woman goes to buy a tv

She goes to the salesman and says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.”
He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset the woman leaves

It is the next day and she wears a different outfit with a wig. The woman is sure the salesman won’t recognize her. She says, “I’d like to ...

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Two men are cleaning windows on the 99th floor in a lift. One of them has an urge to pee.

Not wanting to travel all the way down Tom proposes he could piss down from the side. Chris hesitates a little because he's afraid of falling down. Tom says he'll hold Chris and Chris agrees. Chris starts pissing down but Tom gets distracted by a fly and he lets Chris go...


A month later ...

Since other people liked the Turkish joke I translated, here’s another one

Nasreddin Hodja was on his deathbed. He called her wife and told her to dress up nicely and wear makeup. She was confused about why he wanted that, so she asked him why.

“Well, when the reaper comes he might like you more and take you with him instead of me.”

So a boss walks into his business meeting

He sits at the head of the table and says
“We need to stop testing our products on animals”

One of his employees exclaim “Why?! Makeup brands do it all the time!”

He turns to her and says “Susan? We make hammers, what do you not understand!”

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A boy is being bullied in school [very long]

And the bullies call him and his friends "bitches and bastards". When the boy gets home, he asks his parents what "bitches and bastards are". His dad blushes, and says, "Well, they're just ladies and gentlemen".

Later, his parents are talking, and the boy overhears his dad say "condom". "Dad...

Knock knock

-Who's there?

Eye makeup

-Eye makeup who?

Did you flush?

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spt the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, ‟Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me.”

I loked her over on...

Four college students decide to get drunk the night before their final exam.

They get so drunk they wake up late and completely miss their final. The four students go to their professor, and explain this elaborate lie that when they were on their way to the final that their car the tire went flat. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.

On the day of the make...

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An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

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