UPJOKE
lipstickhairmake-uppaintcompositioneyelinercosmeticconstitutiontextureblackfacewar paintpowdermascarakohleyeshadow

Makeup Jokes

What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear?

Frowndation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say makeup sex is the best sex

But I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle

What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital?

Cos-medics

What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup

Ma-SCARE-ya

 

*^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*

Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry?

Because we live in a mask era.

As she was doing her makeup, I told my fiancee that she looked like an Apache warfighter

Her: that's kinda racist
Me: Sioux me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young university student is failing her history class

So she decides to see if she can, shall we say, convince her professor to give her a passing grade. She does her hair and makeup, puts on a skimpy dress and heels, and goes to his office.

"Professor," she says, "I'm afraid that I might fail your class."

"That's true," he says, barely ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hippie and the Nun

The Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.

When the bus starts again, the bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

What did Johnny Depp's lawyer say when they found Amber Heard's "bruise makeup kit" wasn't made before 2017?

Objection, lack of foundation

Why did the vampire not put on his makeup before a date?

He just couldn’t see himself doing it.

A guy walks into a bar on Halloween

A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer. "I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. "What are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "I'm a were...

A small company hosts a costume party

A small startup company announces they will be holding an employee costume party to celebrate the end of their first fiscal year in business.

The theme of the party is “Past and Present” to celebrate the work that has been done while also looking forward to the years to come. To further expa...

Dinner

A man brings his best friend home for dinner unannounced at 7:30pm.

His wife begins screaming at him while his friend just sits and listens.

Wife: "My hair and makeup isn't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, and I'm still in my pajamas! I'm too tired to cook as well! W...

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At school

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your...

What do you call a company that sells makeup?

A foundation.

Trump wears so much makeup, I think he's hiding something

And if his thick foundation is anything like mine, it's probably the bones of a half-dozen hookers.

A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay, It was at Walmart."

Letter to Bob

Dear Bob,

I enjoy your advice column and have a personal question for you.

Recently I noticed my wife has been spending a lot of evenings "out with friends."

Also, I sometimes get phone calls where the caller hangs up as soon as I say "hello."

Last night she went ou...

The real husband

In King Solomon's court, two men and a woman stood before the king.

\- “This woman is my wife!" said the first man. “I married her 30 years ago!"

\- "No, she's my wife!” said the second man. “I married her 30 years ago, but this man just stole her from me!"

Solomon then turned t...

My wife was putting her makeup on...

I commented that she had drawn her eyebrows a little high.


She looked surprised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the Worst Strip Club in Texas

There was only one other person there, a 80-something year old woman with flabby tits and makeup so thick it caked up around her eyes. She was sitting on the edge of the stage, smoking a rolled up cigarette between her dentures with her prosthetic metal hook hand.

When she saw me, she stood u...

What's the most responsible makeup you can apply during the pandemic?

Mask-era.

In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied..

That is what the beer was for.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve had makeup sex only once in my life.

It took forever to get the waterproof mascara off my penis.

Girls be sweating their makeup off at work

Call that a 9 to 5

Original joke!

What do buildings and makeup have in common?

They both have some sort of foundation!

One Adam Twelve

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was ...

As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder...

Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I missed a day at the cosmetology school

My teacher said I now have to take a makeup class.

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home.

A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me.

Boy, eyelashed out.

Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur.

Call it *Mulan Rouge*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw that my wife’s eye makeup smeared all around when she woke up this morning.

I couldn’t even raccoon-eyes her.

Testing makeup on animals is WRONG...

They are cute enough already.




^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke.

I don’t like girls who wear makeup...

Because they mascara me away

What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor?

Pretty Sir Eel

Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial

SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money

What's China's favorite makeup to wear?

Concealer.

Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial?

Because it was in your mom's browser history.

Ok, thank you dad.

No problem,

Who do you go to to get your hair and makeup done during this pandemic?

A mortician



Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !

What do you call an STD that loves makeup?

Glamydia

Money's a bit tight, so my wife said i'd have to stop buying beer...

...then she buys $80 worth of makeup. I ask her why she can buy stuff like that but i can't.

She says the makeup is so she'll look attractive for me. I answered well that's what the beer is for.

I don't think she's coming back this time...

Why did the DNA chain blush?

It was part of his genetic makeup.

Blonde wife

A blonde woman and her husband had an argument. The wife felt bad after her husband stormed out of the house so she went to the hardware store to buy him a makeup gift. The store clerk asked her what she had in mind for her husband. She said, "Well, the last thing he told me he wanted was a cheap ho...

A Man was out shopping with his wife when he said to her can I buy that bottle of Whiskey it's on offer for £8.00 she replied no we cannot afford it, man says but you just spent £40.00 on makeup, she says that is to make me look good, man replies.

That is what the Whiskey was gonna be for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black boy decided that it wants to be white.

So, the child did all the makeup and made himself white.

He went to his mother and told her that from this day on, he is white. His mum wasn't really happy, so she beat him and send him to his father.

The boy went to his dad and he told him the same thing he told his mother. His dad ...

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

Why do women wear perfume and makeup?

Because they're ugly and they stink

*Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband: Why are you applying makeup so late at night hon?

Wife: I face-lock my phone while my makeup was on & now that fucking thing isn’t working.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

date

After some time of flirting on the Internet, the girl decided to invite the guy to her place. At the appointed time, she is put aside, put on make-up, sits and waits with satisfaction.
But time flies and the guy is still gone. An hour or two passes ... after 4 hours the girl got pissed off, wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went a week without makeup and here's what happened:

Nothing. No one gave a shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arranged Marriage

A guy meets three potential girls on a couple of dates to decide his bride for an arranged marriage. His friend asks, “so how did it go?”

Guy: “Well, I decided to do a little experiment. On first date, I gave each of them $1000, and then asked them what they did with it on the second date a w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child.

A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child. A boy, who grows to have his father's passion for art. One day when the boy is coming of age they have a big argument and the young man leaves his father's house to go out on his own. He is gone for many years.

During tha...

A trans woman complained about having her makeup done without her consent.

"I told him not to do it but he did anyway!"

But the guy who did her makeup told his side of the story:

"You DID consent. I asked if I could do it and your exact words were 'I'll pass, thanks.'"

She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...."

He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."

She: "How nice, you are so sweet."

He: "You need plastic surgery."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three flight attendants are at work when the captain announces that everyone should prepare for a crash landing.

The blonde flight attendant sits down and starts doing her makeup. "I figure, " she explains, "that if I'm looking pretty I'll be rescued first."

Seeing no flaws in this logic, the second flight attendant starts trying to fix his hair.

Our third attendant, a black woman, starts thinki...

What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common?

Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A salesman was making the rounds in a neighborhood...

He knocked on a door, and after a while a teenage boy answered wearing a bra and panties, high heels and makeup.

The salesman said, "ahem, um, son are your parents home?"

The boy said, "What the fuck do you think?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's choice

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys severa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy is being bullied in school [very long]

And the bullies call him and his friends "bitches and bastards". When the boy gets home, he asks his parents what "bitches and bastards are". His dad blushes, and says, "Well, they're just ladies and gentlemen".

Later, his parents are talking, and the boy overhears his dad say "condom". "Dad...

Q: Why aren't cosmetics students scared of missing their exams?

A: Because they like to take makeup tests!

Knock knock

-Who's there?

Eye makeup

-Eye makeup who?

Did you flush?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.