What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear?

Frowndation.

A 9 year old child was rummaging through his mother's makeup cabinet when he found a age reducing ointment...

The label mentioned that you will look 10 years younger. Not know what it was exactly, the child rubbed the ointment all over his body.

Hours later, the mother noticed the lack of noise and went to check on her child. To her dismay, she saw her makeup supplies scattered about, found her anti ...

My wife was putting her makeup on...

I commented that she had drawn her eyebrows a little high.


She looked surprised.

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

Why do women wear perfume and makeup?

Because they're ugly and they stink

*Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old

What do you call a stupid girl with too much makeup in an exam?

Blonde roux.

The spooky makeup

What is the spookiest make-up?

Mas-Scare-AHHHH

A woman asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup.

I told her it depends on whether or not she was trying to kill Batman.

In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied..

That is what the beer was for.

What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor?

Pretty Sir Eel

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My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home.

A Man was out shopping with his wife when he said to her can I buy that bottle of Whiskey it's on offer for £8.00 she replied no we cannot afford it, man says but you just spent £40.00 on makeup, she says that is to make me look good, man replies.

That is what the Whiskey was gonna be for...

Testing makeup on animals is WRONG...

They are cute enough already.




^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke.

My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful.

She needs a team of surgeons.

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this mor...

What do you call an STD that loves makeup?

Glamydia

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I hate my job.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. Sh...

She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...."

He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."

She: "How nice, you are so sweet."

He: "You need plastic surgery."

A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me.

Boy, eyelashed out.

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial

SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money

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I went a week without makeup and here's what happened:

Nothing. No one gave a shit.

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[NSFW] [LONG] A young boy is walking home...

He passes through a park and hears a couple having sex. The man says “I love your pussy” and the girl says “you have a great dick”.

The curious boy asks them what dicks and pussies are. The man, trying to make up an excuse, says “er….they're others names for men and women”.

The boy con...

Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory?

It was a total mascara.

"Dad, why did you put lipstick on your head?"

"Because your mother told me to makeup my mind"

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

What is marriage really like?

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner... unannounced at 7:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothe...

Cops and Speeders

TW: blonde joke

A blonde was driving on the highway and a motorcycle officer pulled her over for speeding.

The officer approached the drivers door and when her helmet came off, turns it was a blonde female cop. She asked the driver for her license. The driver frantically searched ...

Courtesy of my 8 year old: Why did the lipstick, eyeliner, and foundation keep fighting each other?

Because they could never makeup!

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Three ladies meet up for a drink

Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.

The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'He...

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Choosing a Bride . . .

A man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among the three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and wanted to see what they would do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; bu...

So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

My friend Ara and I agreed to meet up a mask party.

When I got there she was wearing a mask completely made of Makeup.

I looked at her and said, “That’s some nice mask Ara.”

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After sticking a bunch of lipstick up my butt, I realized one thing.

Makeup sex is highly overrated.

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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Him: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

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God gave the woman...

God gave the woman beautiful eyebrows
She didn't like this, so she removed them and drew her own

​

God gave the woman pretty nails
She disliked this, so she cut them and put artificial ones

​

God gave the woman a pretty face
She hated ...

A cosmetology student had to retake her final exam...

It was a makeup makeup test.

Damn women drivers!

This morning on the highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 kms with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving... and when I looked back she was halfway over in m...

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

A blonde girl goes to an appliance store

She spots the t.v. she's been saving up for, picks it up and goes to the cashier
The cashier says "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes"
Disgruntled she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she goes into the appliance store, picks out the same t.v. and once again goes to...

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

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Naive Priest in the Big City

There’s this young priest who’s spent virtually his entire life in a monastery. He is sent to work in one of the poorer areas of a big city. The priest has never seen a city so after settling into his new post he decides to take a long walk to explore things. A couple blocks away from the church he ...

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A guy walks into a bar smiling.

He looks way too happy. He buys everyone a drink. The bar tender notices all this and asks, "hey man whats got you in such a good mood?" the guy says, "Well I was at work, and I did this girl's hair and makeup, and one thing led to another, and we ended up fucking!" The bar tender is like "oh cool! ...

A blonde gets pulled over by a blonde cop

Blonde cop: May I see your driving license?

Blonde driver: Driving license? What's that?

Blonde cop: The thing with your face on it

Blonde driver: Alright

Blonde driver: Reaches in her handbag and hands over her makeup mirror to the cop

Blonde Cop: Sorry, we didn't...

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True Golf Buddies

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f__king mess and the d...

iPhone X has face recognition...

so girls aren't gonna be able to unlock their phones when they take their makeup off

Why are there such few women in politics?

Because it's hard enough for women to put makeup on one face.

What happens every time Gene Simmons gets in a fight with his band mates?

They Kiss and makeup

My friends all call me a chick magnet.

However due to my lack of ferromagnetic material in my chemical makeup I can can’t seem to think of what repels all these girls.

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An old Jewish couple are celebrating their 60th Wedding Anniversary

And the wife really wants to make it extra special with a night of amazing sex as it has been years for both of them.

While her elderly husband is out of the house she gets all dolled up in brand new lingerie, stockings, high heels and lots of makeup. She prepares the bedroom and waits patien...

I missed the first day of cosmetology school...

I had to take a makeup class.

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I decided I wanted to be creative in coming out to my dad...

so one day I put on some makeup. When my dad came in I looked at him with a smile and said "I'm fucking Fabulous!"

He just stared at me and said "Stop doing that" before turning and leaving.

Figuring that I needed to be more clear, I did my hair up and put on some gorgeous nails. When ...

The Clown Joke (WARNING: Very Long)

Once upon a time – which is a terrible way to start a joke – there was a little boy named Billy.

Billy was six years old, and for the whole of his short life, he had been utterly and intensely obsessed with clowns. He had clown bed sheets and clown posters; he had clown toys and clown-themed...

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump?

Trump wears more makeup.

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly s...

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DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
===========...

My friend Howard

broke up with his girlfriend. I asked her to makeup with him. She said she didn't know How.

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Hello Bitches and Bastards...

One day, a boy was walking by his parents' bedroom and overheard them talking about bitches and bastards. He stepped into the room and asked them:  

"Mummy, Daddy, what are bitches and bastards?".  

"Oh, people son. People." They replied.  

A little w...

A girl wanted to attract the attention of her crush in school, James.

So the next day she came to school wearing heavily ostentatious makeup, attractive clothing barely close to the school's dress code, and is now making way towards James, who's talking to his friend Johnny.

"Hey guys", she addressed them.

As James looked towards her face, her clothes,...

Two Ditzy blondes...

A ditzy blonde is driving 80 mph down the highway, 20 miles over the speed limit. A ditzy blonde police officer pulls her over. The police officer asks to see her license, but the ditzy blonde driver has no idea what a license is. The officer tells her it is an identification card with her pictur...

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2nd grade teacher asks Nick "Give an example of a compound sentence"

Teacher asks Nick: "Give an example of a long compound sentence."

Nick stands up and says: "My mom gets up early every day, she brushes her hair, does her makeup, puts on her prettiest dress, nicest earrings, her highest heels, and then leaves the house to go to work."

Teacher says "...

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A priest was walking through the worst part of town..........

A priest was walking through the worst part of town on his way to the soup kitchen. He passed by a young woman wearing more makeup than clothing.
"Hey mister, want a blowjob? Only $20" she asked.
"Uh, er, no thank you," said the priest.
What's a blowjob? he wondered. Later that night, on th...

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A man is nervous about his second date...

...Because of a problem he's been having. Every time he looked at her on their first date he got a raging, obvious erection. He went to his best friend for advice before the second date.

"It's a simple solution, dude. Just grab some gauze and use it to wrap your dick to your leg. That way, th...

How can Rihanna tell when Chris Brown's cheating on her?

The brand of makeup on his knuckle isn't hers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We need to stop animal testing our products

"But shampoo and makeup companies do it"

"We make dildos"