A dog is helping construct my house

He specializes in roofing

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

Gravity is just a social construct

Invented by a Christian to keep you down

Me: I had to quit my construction job because I wasn’t strong enough for the work.

Friend: Did you give them your too weak notice?

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A construction worker on the fifth floor of a building realizes he needs a saw

He looks around him, none. He looks 5 floors down, sees a man looking up at him. He's screaming but the guy can't hear him cause of all the noise around. So he decides to use sign language.

He points to his eye meaning 'I', then he points to his knee, meaning 'need', then he makes a saw moti...

A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew

It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot san...

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

Speedy Gonzalez got a job at construction site.

His boss liked his lunches as fresh as possible. One of Speedy’s responsibilities was to go to the boss’s house each day at noon to get the lunch the boss’s wife had just prepared.

Speedy was the fastest to ever have this responsibility. Everyday for a year it took Speedy exactly 5 minutes to...

A construction worker.

A construction worker on his first day was tasked with picking up supplies from the lumberyard.


He walked into the office and said, "We need some 4x2s."


The clerk said, "You mean 2x4s, right?"


The worker said, "Let me go check,"

He went back to the truck, soo...

I have a joke about construction.

I'm still working on it.

What do you call an erotic construction worker?

A brick layer.

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Three construction workers are sitting on a scaffolding eating lunch.

An electrician, a bricklayer, and a welder are sitting on a high rise scaffolding on their lunch break. They all open their lunches to find baloney sandwiches. The electrician sighs and says

"I hate baloney, my wife knows I hate baloney, yet every day I end up with this sandwich. If I get on...

Every single currency in this world is just an illusion, a social construct

but Brazil's real.

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective."

"You're still late" replied my boss.

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Heard this gem working in construction last week: Hey Alex, I'm going to call you "The Stomach".

Because everything you touch you turn into shit!

I have this great joke about construction

I'm still working on it

Got to hammer out a few kinks

Make sure to nail the delivery

I just don't want to screw it up

An Irish, a Mexican and an American were having lunch on a scaffold on the 15th floor of a building construction.

Irish opened his lunch box and exclaimed "Colcannon again! If I have colcannon for lunch tomorrow I will jump off this scaffold"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and cried "Burritos as usual! If I have burritos one more time I will jump off too."

The American opened his lunch box and s...

A construction worker goes to a fancy restaurant to eat and they have a dress code.

The man goes into the fancy restaurant and have a discussion with the host:

**Host** Sir, you cannot come in here with out a belt. We have standards.

The man goes out to his car and puts on a belt fashioned out of some rope. He goes back in.

**Host** Alright.... I guess you ha...

A construction worker walks into a bar, and orders a “stiff drink” after work.

5 minutes later, the bartender brings him a glass filled to the brim with cement.

The size of the wildlife at construction sites is huge.

I mean, just look at the size of those cranes.

I was telling my friend a joke about sky diving but he gave me constructive criticism on it

It didn’t land very well

I have a multi million dollar home that took years to construct.

I live under a bridge.

Blonde Construction Worker

Every day, three construction workers, one Mexican, one Italian, and one blonde, climb up to the highest steel girder in the building that they are all working on and eat their lunch.

One day, the Mexican worker opens up his lunchbox and sees that yet again his wife has packed him bean burrit...

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What do prostitutes and construction workers have in common?

They both often hear the phrase "Time to get on your backhoe."

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a construction worker?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

What do you call a one night stand with a construction worker?

Nut and bolt.

There was a construction site

There’s 3 labourers, ready for their morning job.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Chinese man.

The boss tells the Englishman, when I get back from lunch, I want this pile of dirt moved over there further.

To the Irishman, after he’s moved it, you need to spread the soil.

To ...

Two construction workers

Two construction workers are talking and one says, “I was gonna tell you a joke, but I’m still working on it.”

I didn't believe when they told me my brother was a construction site thief

But when I got home, the signs were there

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Three construction workers.

Three construction workers were at a jobsite one day when there was no port-a-potty, the first worker grabs a shovel out of a truck and digs a hole, the second one disappeared, the third one finds the second one on top of a pole with his pants down reading a newspaper. The second worker says to the ...

I just learned about the nonstop construction on Big Ben right now

They really are working around the clock

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.

The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

Two dogs have a home construction business and work on the tops of houses together.

I guess you could say they work on woofs.

Two construction workers were eating lunch on a bench on the side of the road...

As they were eating lunch, they notice a very attractive woman walking on the other side of the road. The two workers start to cat call her until she stops and looks at them.
Once she looks at them, they make the notion for her flash them by pulling up on their shirts. The woman looks around and...

I didn’t want to believe my friend was stealing from the road construction site.

But I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

An Austrian government official was given the task to find a contractor for a construction project.

The first to reply was an Italian company which offered to do the work for a million Euros. Then a German company made a bid of two millions. Finally, an Austrian contractor came to the official and said he would need four millions to do the job.

"Why do you need four million Euros?" asked th...

Dumb blond male.

There are three construction workers, a Mexican, an African American & a blond Caucasian. When lunch time comes, the construction workers are sitting on a steel beam 30 stories high about to enjoy their food.

The blond opens his lunchbox and is angered to find yet another bologna &...

Why do construction crews on Mt. Rushmore have such a hard time figuring out who the boss is?

Because it's covered with foremen...

I heard global warming is just a social construct

If it weren't for our society, it wouldn't exist.

Did you hear the amazing story about the blind construction worker?

He picked up a hammer and saw.

My construction worker friend died

As a memorial everyone at his funeral stood around making themselves look busy

Construction

A construction worker falls off a building and dies. His boss instructs the apprentice to go to his wife and tell her the sad news.

After an hour the apprentice comes back with 2 beer crates. His boss is furious:

„I didn’t tell you to buy beer, I told you to inform Mrs Smith that her h...

When the construction of the chief's new house was completed, he hosted a feast to thank these who aided him during the construction.

During the feast, everyone congratulates him and said: " You're extremely competent to build houses like this one here."

His wife heard the compliment and spoke for her husband: " Well, the credit isn't all my husband's, the credit goes to these who contributed! "

After the feast, ever...

If you want to hear a joke about construction...

...come back later. I'm still working on it.

Probably only amusing if you work in construction...

3 construction workers went on a hunting trip - a crane operator, a laborer, and a surveyor. The three spent a good hour walking through the woods, looking for the laborer's tree stand before they realized they were lost. Looking around, they had no way to figure out which way to go to get back to t...

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The 3 Construction Workers

3 construction workers are sitting on the edge of a high rise they're helping to build, having lunch.

The first one, Alfredo, opens his lunchbox to find spaghetti.
"Mama Mia! Itsa spaghetti again! Ifa I see more spaghetti tomorrow, I'ma gonna jump off anda die!"

The next one, Jua...

A joke

A priest, a rabbi and an imam enter a bar, order a drink and finds a place to sit.
Then a construction worker, a native american and a police officer comes in and do the same thing.
And then a dane, a swede and a norwegian enters too.
Then a blind guy, a deaf guy and a mute guy.
And the...

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

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A man starts a new job on a construction site.

The site is 500 miles away from anybody else but it pays good so he's happy to start. On his first day the foreman is showing him around the job site. Where he will be working, sleeping, and everything else. 


While on tour, the man notices a line of men waiting to go behind a wooden fence...

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What's the difference between criticism and constructive criticism?

One pisses you off and the other helps to piss you off

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Learning from Construction workers *long*

So a boy is home from school one day, and he's driving his mother nuts. Finally she gets fed up and tells him to go across the street where they are doing construction on a house, and not to come home until he learns something.
A few hours pass, and the boy comes home. The mother asks "Did you ...

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It has been said that Abraham Lincoln wrote a journal on how to construct a sturdy house that would last 100 years...

...for many years engineers have been trying to replicate it, but sadly they haven't found any of Lincoln's Logs.

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Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.

The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" ...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

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Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich

The bartender says "wow, you don't see that every day! Man, what's your story?"

Th duck says "I'm a welder at the construction site across the street. I'll be here for a few months while we finish the building," and picks up his newspaper and starts reading. The bartender obviously wants to c...

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So a duck walks into a bar...

So a duck walks into a bar a says, "hey can I get a beer?". Bartender says "holy shit a talking duck"

Duck: look man I've been doing construction all day and I really just want a beer

Bartender: you should join the circus, you'd make a killing

Duck: what the fuck is the circus g...

After spending a semester of my engineering degree studying the construction of the channel tunnel.

I can reveal it was dug by a huge boring machine.

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My shop class teacher told me this one.

A physics teacher, an engineering teacher, and a shop class teacher all get on a plane.

As they're getting comfortable, the pilot comes in over the intercom. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen," he says, "I understand we have some teachers on our flight. We've got a special treat for them: ...

I have a fear of highly sophisticated engineering constructs

It's a case of Complex Complex Complex

My friend thought he made a good construction joke.

Unfortunately there was absolutely no build up

We have only one Mother

I don't know if it translates well but here is a joke from my country

Teacher asked kids to construct a sentence ending with "We have only one Mother"

So the first kid stands up and says:
"My Mother loves me so much she wakes up an hour earlier everyday just to prepare me food for s...

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

What’s the first thing you learn working in construction?

Substance abuse

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Three construction workers on a roof...

Three construction workers eat lunch together every day at the top of the building they work together on; one was Scottish, one was Chinese, one was Italian.

One day the Italian worker opened his lunch sighed, and said, “Ugh pasta. I am so sick of pasta. If I get pasta in my lunch one more t...

How did Jesus do in the construction test today?

He nailed it!

A hillbilly shows up for his first work day at a construction jobsite

A hillbilly shows up for his first work day at a construction jobsite. At lunch time notices a coworker with a thermos. He asks him what it is. He says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold!" The hillbilly is impressed so he gets one and brings it in the next day. His cowor...

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An Italian, a Mexican, and a Blonde American are working construction.

The three men eat lunch together each day at the top of the building they are constructing.

The Italian opens his lunchbox and exclaims "Seriously!? Spaghetti again? If my wife packs this one more time, I swear I'm jumping off this building."

The Mexican opens his too. "Tacos again? ...

Two construction workers are working on a street

The first worker turns to the second and says,

“ I don’t want to work anymore, I will act crazy so the manager sends me home early”.

He then proceeds to tie himself by the feet and swings around shouting,

“ Im a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Sure enough, the manager te...

What do you hear if you take a construction worker's hat off and hold it to your ear?

The OSHA.

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

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There are three construction workers sitting on the 20th floor of a building...

As their legs hang off the side of the building, they open up their packed lunches. The first worker looks at his sandwich and says;

"Damn it! A ham sandwich again? If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm jumping off this building!"

The second worker opens his lunch and responds;

"Y...

What type of construction are dogs good at?

Roofing

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A woman applies for work at a construction site.

Her skills and recommendations are superb, so the foreman is ready to offer her the job. "We are kinda rough here. And we use body parts in our "sign language" to get around the noise and distance on the site."

"No problem," she replies, "all part of the job."

Soon, the foreman is on...

A man walking in the Beach sees a lamp and out of curiosity, starts wiping it.

After wiping it and cleaning it. A gene comes comes. He looks at the sky and greets the person who was cleaning the lamp.

Hello there. I may grant you one wish.
The man says, what happens to three.
The gene says, one is all you get.

The man thinks hard Says.
My family...

You know what they say about construction fetishists...

If you build it, they will come.

Earlier today I was working on a new house in town...

I was in charge of the fencing. The construction site was almost finished, and it was only this and the landscaping remaining. I did the first couple posts, but then I went to lunch, and when I came back, they were gone. I did as much as I could until the day ended, and I went home. I came back the ...

Today at the construction site we had an accident. I was hit in the head by a can.

Lucky for me it was a soft drink

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Constipated Construction Worker

“A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."



The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."



The construction worker leans over the table, and the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends ...

What do construction workers do at parties?

They raise the roof.

You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

..... hold on I'm working on it.


(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)

I was going to tell you a Road construction Joke...

But I'm still working on it.



Reposted because my first attempt to tell this joke got the punchline removed.

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side.

Trump agreed.



...but Mexicans refused.

What did the asthmatic person say to the construction worker?

You're breathtaking.

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Was reminded of my dad’s favorite joke when I saw a similar joke posted earlier today. He owns his own construction company and would tell this to everyone.

All the body parts get together to decide who is the boss of the body.

First is the brain. “It’s obvious I’m the boss. I’m the smartest and without me the body wouldn’t even know what to do.”

The hands speak up and say, “Without us the body wouldn’t be able to get food to the mouth. Th...

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There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so th...

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Two construction workers are working in a building.

One works on the first floor and the other works on the 2nd floor.

That day the construction worker on the first floor realized that he needed a handsaw, so he yells up to the second construction worker and said, "Hey Tim! I need a handsaw, can you please throw one down to me!?!"

Tim ...

Which knight did King Arthur leave in charge of constructing the round table?

Sir Cumference

Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

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Duck at a construction site

A duck is working at a construction site as a brick mason.

After work one day the duck decides to walk over to the bar.

He sits down at the bar, turns to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a rum and coke.”

The bartender exclaims, “Woah a talking duck!”

“Yeah, what about ...

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During lunch break on a high rise construction site....

...Dave says, "Hey Daryl tell the crew how you made a fast $50 this morning!"

"It was weird!", says Daryl. "I was on the 23rd floor and bumped a brick off the edge, I immediately yelled out "FALLING BRICK!!!. There was a lady standing at the bus stop below, she heard me, stepped to the side a...

Book Jokes.

I read a thriller in Braille.
You can really feel the suspense.

I’m reading a book about Anti-Gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.

I read a book about submarine construction.
It’s riveting.

I’m reading a book about adhesives.
It has me glued to my seat .

I...

Construction contractors throw the wildest parties.

The carpenters get hammered, the plumbers end up tanked, the drywall installers are always plastered by the end of the night, the electricians get buzzed, the masons get stoned, and the roofers are high. The only responsible ones are the heavy equipment operators but they’re always trying to plow yo...

What do a construction worker and a cheating husband have in common?

They are both home wreckers

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A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

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