What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

If only more game companies acted like blizzard.

I could probably kick my gaming addiction.

I have a magic act where I make cocaine and marijuana disappear

It's all smoke and mirrors

“That knife-throwing act was terrible. I want my money back!”

“What was wrong with it?”

“You call that marksmanship? He got 10 tries and didn’t even hit that girl once!”

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

I’ve been working on a new trick for my magic act where I get rock hard without the audience realizing it.

It’s called missed erection

My wife kick me out from the house because of obsession with acting like a news anchor!!!!!

More on that after the break!

Why was the tree afraid of acting?

He was afraid he’d dialogue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the middle of a sexual act an old lady tells her husband:

–You are like a cell phone!

The proud Old Man says:
\- Do I vibrate a lot?

\-No, when you enter the tunnel you drop the signal ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey has sued Minnie for divorce. Judge: "Mickey, I cannot grant you a divorce just because Minnie is acting silly."

Mickey: "Your honor, I did not say she was acting silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

Some people say the president acts like a horse in a hospital...

But what they don't realize is that to make a stable out of a hospital, you'd have to be a stable genius.

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

When a Queen Bee mates thousands of males gather round and try to impregnate her. Before the act of mating is done, she will have stored sperm inside her from about 30 to 50 males. This is an amazing aspect of nature.

So, much love to my man Jay-Z.

My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”

It was a third degree burn.

Why do you have to act quickly during a flood?

Because it's an emergent sea!!

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

I don’t understand people who tell me to act my age.

I already am my age.

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sexually active at 12

It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.

My mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

A circus wants to change some things about one of it's acts to make it more modern, but they don't want to give up all of the originality

It's a balancing act.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said she was tired of me acting like a detective and told me that we should split up

I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way"

She also got pissed at me and said that I ruined her birthday which I have no idea how I didn't even know it was her birthday


I heard these two jokes when I was a kid and they've always made me laugh, I know they are kind of old b...

My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

Did you know that the human cannonball circus act has a mortality rate of about 50%?

The other half didn't fare much better. They were all fired

My wife said I was acting like a child

I told her to get out of my fort.

I often act out the names of places that I visit.

For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming. When I went to Rugby, I played rugby. When I went to Bath, I took a bath.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.

The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.

The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, foll...

One time in the computer lab at my school, next to one of the computers, a mouse started acting up.

So one if my classmates noticed it and said "Oh, there's no batteries in it". So he found two batteries that didn't fit in the mouse *at all* and jammed them in anyway.

Needless to say, we weren't allowed to have any more class pets after that.

(Oc) What do you call a comedian whos act relies only on memes and pun?

A Comemeian

Anyone hear about the conspiracy theorist who died and went to heaven?

When he arrived, God stated that He grants all His children one question. The man promptly asked, "Who killed Kennedy?" God replied, "It was Lee Harvey Oswald, on the 6th floor, with his own gun, and he acted alone." The man thought for a moment then disappointingly replied "This goes higher u...

He refused to act like a bird.

I pointed my gun at him and insisted.

But he was unflappable.

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

I was playing the squeeze box and a policeman told me to stop, so I acted accordioningly.

\*boom tish\*

Did you know that banana peel is supposed to be put under the controlled substance act?

It can give you bad trips.

Did you guys hear about the banana that acted as a getaway driver?

He peeled out and split.

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

Kevin Spacey's acting career was like a House Of Cards...

One blow from a kid and it all comes tumbling down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

Doesn’t it happen to you that you gain 20 kg for an acting role...

...and then you remember you are not an actor?

For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.

It was a stage he was going through.

I'm a doctor, and my old secretary was a cannibal. She always ate clients in the waiting room, and one day I caught her in the act.

I fired her then. For the longest time, she was trying my patience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss "The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member...

A man loses his legs in a bear fight

Despite this, he wins the fight, and uses the bears legs to replace his own.
By the time he gets to a hospital, he has full control over his legs,
The doctors tie the legs better, and let him keep them,
About a month later, a ringmaster of a freak circus finds him, and offers him a job in t...

My friend lost his acting job in our local play because of his addiction to cocaine.

He kept blowing his lines.

Why was the goose acting so silly?

He was on quack!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

If Newton heard us describing people "rolling in their grave" without a net force acting on them...

... He'd be rolling in his grave.

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. ...

"Hello sir would you like to sign this petition in support of the Cheese Act that congress is trying to pass?"

"Yeah sure I'm pro-volone"

John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

Two blondes are working at a warehouse...

One blonde, tired of working, says to the other: “Watch this, I’m going to act crazy so that the boss will send me home.”

She climbs up the racking and hangs from the rafters yelling “I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB!!”

“What are you doing?! Get down from there and GO ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution.

On his w...

When a flat-Earther acts carelessly, what is he doing?

Living on the edge.

TIL When Steve Martin was 20 he had a ventriloquism act. The manager of a club where he performed had a tip for him.

"You have to hold the dummy closer to the mic."

From Steve Martin's interview on Seth Meyers' show.

Two men were talking. Said the first "I went to the theatre last night but had to leave after Act I."

"Why was that?" asked the second.
"Well, the program said 'Act II - one year later', and I couldn't wait."

Why was the Mad Hatter acting a little queer?

He had a hare up his ass.

I don’t get why pro athletes feel the need to hit women...

...just reply to the next one in your DMs if she isn’t acting right.

What do you call the misguided act of worshipping mediocre products at rock-bottom prices?

I-Dollar-Tree

A man is driving down the road with several knives in the back of his truck when a police officer pulls him over

The police officer asks the man, "Why do you have so many knives in the back of your truck?"

The man responds, "Well sir, I'm a juggler it's part of my act."

The police officer responds snarling, "We've had several homicides the past few weeks I'm going to need you to prove it!"
...

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like to think of the act of pooping like a game of poker

You go all in with a royal flush.

Woman: I’m having the worst period ever

Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Airforce Pilot, Army Engineer, and Marine crash land in the rainforest.

They are surrounded by a tribe of cannibals and are approached by the chief of the tribe. The chief says they are going to eat them and use their skin for canoes, but they can choose their own method of death. The pilot shoots himself with his sidearm, and the engineer asks for some fast acting pois...

What act is worth 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

An Iditerod racer took a sled dog to the vet. "He's acting very strange," said the dog owner. "He encourages the other dogs to hump him. Other than that, he's perfectly normal and a great musher. Should I be worried?"

"Not at all," said the vet. "He just identifies as female. What you have here is a Trans Siberian Husky."

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

Look at that cloud, trying to act all cool..

He's nothin' but smog

Why do squirrels always act like they are insane?

They want to be sent to the nuthouse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the act of a bird masturbating?

A flap fap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Young lovers are up at make out point having the time of their lives when a cop bangs on the car and stops them in the act.

What the hell are you two doing up here at this time of the night? he growls.
It's ok officer.. we are getting married tomorrow, the young lad declares.
Oh I am so sorry to have disturbed you the cop exclaims.
Being your last time having sex and all.

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know there’s a word in Norwegian for describing the act of crying while masturbating?

It’s really difficult to pronounce so I can’t remember the word, but it’s a real tear-jerker.

I honestly think girls need to stop acting like their periods are the worst things in the world

It's really just a bit of an ovary action, don't you think?

A rich man threw a party and invited the entire neighborhood...

In his backyard, in front of his lavish pool, he said to all party-goers, "In my pool are 10 alligators and 10 sharks. If anyone dare swim across, I will bestow them with anything their heart desires."

Not too long after that, a man is seen swimming frantically across the pool and manages to...

A Mexican magician performs a vanishing act.

He tells his audience "On the count of three, I will disappear! Uno! Dos...!"

Poof!

When the smoke cleared, he had disappeared without a tres.

After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young beautiful woman ..

and now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.


“I'm all for spending time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”


Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in...

Doctor: Sir, you're too arrogant and have not looked after yourself. Tests say any small act of physical exertion will kill you.

Arrogant man: Me? Don't make me laugh!

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

My friend got into hot water with a cult of mimes

They committed unspeakable acts of violence against him.

I was molested by a mime.

He did unspeakable acts on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 brothers, 12 and 10 decide it's time for them to act more manly

It's just before breakfast and the 2 brothers in their bedroom upstairs decide they're going to start cursing since that's what they see in the adult shows and movies. Mom calls them down for breakfast and they head down to the kitchen and take a seat. Mom turns to the 10 year old and asks "what wou...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

What do you call it when someone starts acting like an angry center divider?

They're in mean median mode.

I’m 28, and my parents got really angry at me for acting like a flamingo all the time.

When they told me that, I had to put my foot down.

A human cannonball showed up late to his act.

He was fired.

A man just moved into a new house...

His house was really nice and so was his neighborhood. But the first time he went to his backyard, he tried to look over the fence. When he approached the fence, it started screetching at him.

"REEEEEEE!"

Startled, the man jumped back. He thought no one would believe him if he told th...

Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

The circus was in town and was taking applications from the local townspeople for wildly unique acts.

The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.

“Ok”, said the interviewer, “what’s your special talent?”

“I do bird imitations!”, replied Jack.

The interviewer sighed and shook his head. ...

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

A man approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden..

I think hes lost the plot!

People always act surprised when I say that I swing both ways...

I don't get what's so surprising about being good at baseball.

What do you call a worldly act of a cow god?

Bovine intervention

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was going to have sex with my cousin tonight.

Untill I opened the coffin to find my uncle in the act.

I just got my first big acting break in a play about neurosurgery...

I'm a bundle of nerves...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German, a Frenchman, and a Irishman walk into a pub.

The pub was known for being a wee bit of a dive. Dirty, poor service, but the three men were poor and the drinks were always cheap. They welcomed themselves into the pub and sat at the bar.

Notoriously, the service was poor. The barkeep chatted with other bar patrons for a good long while bef...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends, Bob and Sam, are bored are sitting around the house. Bob asks Sam do you want to play a game?

**NOTE: This joke only really works in person and told to a group of people. **

Sam says "Ok, what's the game?"

Bob replies, "I'll blind fold you and put something up your butt and you have to guess what it is."

Sam hesitantly says, "umm ok" and puts a blind fold on and drops h...

One of my most selfless acts was when I had several bones broken when stopping a fight.

Those kids never stood a chance

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It really annoys me when Americans act like they cracked the secret of Nazi codes when they took the Enigma machine off U-751.

Whoops, wrong sub.

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Origin of the words Stake and Steak

Today,my boss asked me the difference between Steak and Stake. He meant spelling, but I thought he meant the whole difference.And lucky for him, I actually know the answer to this one.
So, back in the middle ages, before we realized cows could give meat and we just knew they could give milk, ri...

A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are caught sleeping with another man’s wife and are caught by police in the act.

After the arrest the two men, the police contact the husband, they tell him the story.

Police: Sorry to inform you sir but we found your wife having intercourse with two men by the names of Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong. When we found them, Right was in front and Wrong was in back. This must be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.

They are. It's called wrestling.

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time, and was thrilled have been given an opportunity in a local production.   The director said to him, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose, delicately, with just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a Hawaiian sex act, and coincidentally, my favorite dessert?

Coconut cream pie

Why did the sailor quit his acting career?

Because he wasn’t landing any good roles.

My girlfriend threatened to break-up with me if I didn't stop acting like a Transformer...

I said "but baby, I can change!"

How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who was born with three testicles

Was extremely proud and conceited with what he regarded as the equivalent of winning the genetic lottery, in an act to flaunt and put to shame others he would sit regularly outside of his house and ask each passerby.

Man: do you know the sum of your balls and mine.
Passerby (perplexed) : w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man genuinely thought I was offering him a blowjob when I mimed the act to him.

But it was just tongue in cheek.

One day, a black bear walks into a bar...

The bear begins to get some strange looks, but he was use to this being a black bear and all. Everyone in the bar was acting a little strange around him, but then he sat at the bar and the bartender began to serve him.

Bartender: Ummm...So what can I get you?

Bear: Let me get a shot of...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.