UPJOKE
playbehavepretendact asroleplayplayactdissembledoenactmentactionmakeact outenactdeedrepresent

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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

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Talking Dog Act

The sign says “World Famous Talking Dog Act”, and the people gather around, interested, but skeptical.
The man brings out his dog, a yellow Labrador Retriever, and starts the show.
“Heya, Skippy, these people want to hear you talk, tell them how you flight into the airport was yesterday.”
...

My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

My wife asked me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

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My wife and I got to act in a porno last night

I played the husband that went to work

I hate it when people act all intellectual…

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart

… when they probably haven’t even seen one of his paintings

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

I was auditioning for a play today, and the director yelled at me. He said my acting reminded him of a female reproductive organ! Needless to say I stormed off…

But after I thought about it, I went back. I had to apologize for ovary acting.

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The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open...

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."

"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."

"Don...

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What is Princess Leia's favorite sex act?

Giving Han Jobs

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

“Does a photon going through two slits act like a particle or a wave?”

“Well, it depends on how you look at it…”

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The...

My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

That was a third degree burn.

David Byrne gets elected US President. His first official act is to ban the penny. He issued an executive order to...

Stop making cents.

Did you hear about the Mexican George Michael tribute act?

He's called Carlos Whisper

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

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If I ever catch a necrophile in the act

They're fucking dead

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

The Human Cannonball act will not be returning to the circus.

They can’t find a man of the right caliber.

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John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

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Hamster act

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The ha...

I’m a class act

But my wife is an ovary act.

Psychiatrist asks two patients to act they're in a grocery store

he told them that if they do it well, he'll sign them off the hospital.

so the first asks for one gallon of potatoes

the second one bursts into laughter

the doctor was happy his patient is cured, but asks him for confirmation : "why are you laughing ?" ...

I was horrified when I read about how coffee can act as a laxative

It keeps me up at night.

I told my wife, "You're starting to act like my ex-wife"

She freaked out and said, "You never told me you had an ex-wife!"

I replied, "I don't."

Why did the goldfish act randomly?

It was RNG.

What do you call a worldly act of a cow god?

Bovine intervention

Sometimes when work is hectic and my family is demanding, I lock myself in the bathroom and act like an alien

I come in peace.

My wife says I act really immature and need to grow up

I told her to get the hell out of my pillow fort with that negative attitude

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

Game warden: "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

"But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket."

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll...

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[This one is better if you can act it out in person] A guy walks into a bar...

...sits down at the bar, gets a drink, and then begins poking at the palm of his hand before holding it to the side of his face and having a conversation with...apparently no one...for several minutes.

The bartender's weirded out by this, so he approaches the man as soon as his 'episode' is o...

I said to my kid, “Someone just told me that you’re acting like an owl.”

My son: Who?

Me: Exactly.

My teacher told me to stop acting like a know-it-all.

So I decided to give ignorance a try.

Why was the bread acting clingy?

Because it kneaded attention

A mime is performing an act in Paris

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spanish man, and German man are watching the mime perform. The mime notices that they cannot see him very well. He places a box down and signals to the audience if they can see him.

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Sí"

"Ja"

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

Why do emo's always act so sour?

Because you can't spell Lemon without emo.

I love Rock's acting in all his movies, I wonder where he got his acting skills from...

Oh he was in WWE.

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A ventriloquist is in the middle of his act...

and is in the part of his routine where he riffs off a bunch of blonde jokes, one after the other. A blonde woman in the front row is getting upset, and finally says, "I'll have you know, just because a woman is blonde doesn't mean she is dumb. There are plenty of highly intelligent, successful blo...

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

I just don't know how to act my age.

I've never been this old before.

My teen daughter is acting really odd.

She can’t even. It’s causing a family divide. We’ve got to figure it out before our problems multiply.

An Act of Malicious Conpliance

Teacher: Write a short story. You have a strict 140-character limit.

Student: Once upon a time, Snow White lived with 139 Dwarves. The end.

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A performer finishes their act and gets a standing ovation.

Everyone in the theatre is clapping. Except one guy. He's just standing there with his arms folded.

Later that evening, the perturbed performer finds the man in the lobby and confronts him about his standing no-vation.

"You are mistaken, I was indeed clapping. When I see brilliance, ...

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I know a guy who acts in pornography movies all day long.

You could say he’s what you call a “Working Stiff.”

A comedian opened his act by saying "Yo, Adrian!"

His show had a rocky start.

Have you heard about the new Broadway act based on the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

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The sex act formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy the cost of eating out has gone up.

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents...

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

After Arnold Schwarzenegger quit the acting world, he should have started a pest control service

He is an ex-Terminator, after all.

Why did the toilet paper act so cool?

Because it was on a roll.

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

I told my Grandma to act her age

She died

My pet iguana is acting weird

I think I have a reptile dysfunction

My gf told me that I act like a clown

It was so unexpected and upsetting I stopped juggling and almost fell off my unicycle.

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My annul glaucoma is acting up again

Because I can’t see my ass going to work tomorrow

Why was the tree afraid of acting?

He was afraid he’d dialogue.

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

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Brother’s acting all high and mighty now that he has COVID

Thinks his shit don’t stink

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

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My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like

a fucking bitch

My mother would tell me to always act responsibly.

Which is a great way to get arrested for a crime you didn't commit

I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger retired from acting but he still keeps busy.

He's working as an exterminator.


(Hi u/govschwarzenegger!)

A priest and a nun in a desert cabin

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.

They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.

The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the...

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

Women on their period always ovary act.

*insert pun here*

Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

William Shakespeare died before completing the final act of his last play.

It was a real tragedy.

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Him: Sorry I got drunk and acted like an ass at your wedding.

Her: IT WAS YOUR WEDDING TOO!

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Someone asked me what was my favourite sexual act

Well it’s got to be anal sex cause I like to think outside of the box

Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician.

Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.

People act surprised when I tell them my grandfather survived the holocaust.

Most of the guards survived didn't they?

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

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A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They're for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.

“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car an...

Stand up acts anyone?

So, I was on a trip staying at a hostel. You know, budget travel.
I was in Australia, a small town, and I wake up needing to use the bathroom. The catch is it was 2:30 in the morning. And I would need to walk through an outdoor area to get there. So I decide to wait.

However, while waiting...

Most people “act” like adults but actually think like a child

I prefer to do the opposite.

What act is worth 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

The U.S. just passed the student loan forgiveness act!

We're now required to forgive the government for our student loan debt.

A Young Jewish boy kept acting up at school..

One day, the school calls his father and says, "Your son keeps acting up in class, and his behaviour is unacceptable. We'd reccomend placement in another school."

So the father talks to his son and decides he's gonna send him to a private school.

A week later, the private school calls ...

What would Kanye’s first act as POTUS be?

He’d change “fish sticks” to “fish rods”

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What kind of sexual act does a Camel like?

Dry Humping

A circus ringleader and his wife were living with their main act, an alcoholic chimpanzee

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to f...

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People often act like a cock and balls is all one unit

But there's actually a vas deferens between them.

How did Kim Kardashian explain to her daughter the reason why Kanye is acting this way?

“North, my relationship with West has gone totally South.”

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I tried acting in porn movies but

I only had small parts.

My ananas is acting weird...

it's gone completely bananas...

I think I want to take up acting...

Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?

I have a magic act where I make cocaine and marijuana disappear

It's all smoke and mirrors

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Guy walks into a bank - A joke in three acts

>!When he gets to the teller, he says "This is a fuck-up!"!<

>!The teller, somewhat taken aback, asks "Do you mean a stick-up?"!<

>!The man replies "No, it's a fuck-up! I forgot my gun!"!<

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus.

One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do.

The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."

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The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

A Mexican magician performs a vanishing act.

He tells his audience "On the count of three, I will disappear! Uno! Dos...!"

Poof!

When the smoke cleared, he had disappeared without a tres.

Act of God

After his wife had a baby, the new minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair and approved it.

When the next child arrived, the minister appealed, and again, the congregation approved the incre...

If only more game companies acted like blizzard.

I could probably kick my gaming addiction.

It's hard following a clown act

My girlfriend dated a clown before we started going together.

I've got some pretty big shoes to fill.

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Caught in the act

My wife walked in on me masturbating to a picture of an optical illusion

I said "Darling.. it's not what it looks like"

My girlfriend says she is having the worst period ever.

I respond with “Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?”

Why can’t the cops ever catch overweight killers in the act?

They’re only looking for the active shooters

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[Long] Never act "Too Smart"

Wife was so sure that her husband was cheating on her with the maid. So she planned and sent the maid off early that day and soon the night fell, The wife and her husband were in the bedroom trying to get some sleep while she waits cautiously for his actions.

As she expected, he gives the sam...

My allergies are acting up and...

The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.

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Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

He refused to act like a bird.

I pointed my gun at him and insisted.

But he was unflappable.

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