My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Christmas Pro Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. When your kids act up, throw one in the fireplace.

"But what do I do when I run out of kids?"

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My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she's always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me...

but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

My ananas is acting weird...

it's gone completely bananas...

The U.S. just passed the student loan forgiveness act!

We're now required to forgive the government for our student loan debt.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo

So I had to put
my foot down.

They say the Spinosaurus' sail acts like a radiator which dissipates all the heat away

Truly spine chilling

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a horse race announcer.

“And they’re off..”

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

If only more game companies acted like blizzard.

I could probably kick my gaming addiction.

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One of my friends told me to "stop acting stiff and to just cut loose."

I told him to "fuck off, how am I supposed to start dancing when we're tied to a nuclear warhead?"

Almost made me wanna stab the idiot with the pocket knife I always carry on me.

I have a magic act where I make cocaine and marijuana disappear

It's all smoke and mirrors

Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to quit acting and is going into pest control?

He's an ex-terminator.

Pickpockets get incredibly awkward when you catch them in the act.

They don't know what to do with their hands.

Why was the tree afraid of acting?

He was afraid he’d dialogue.

“That knife-throwing act was terrible. I want my money back!”

“What was wrong with it?”

“You call that marksmanship? He got 10 tries and didn’t even hit that girl once!”

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Mickey has sued Minnie for divorce. Judge: "Mickey, I cannot grant you a divorce just because Minnie is acting silly."

Mickey: "Your honor, I did not say she was acting silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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In the middle of a sexual act an old lady tells her husband:

–You are like a cell phone!

The proud Old Man says:
\- Do I vibrate a lot?

\-No, when you enter the tunnel you drop the signal ...

My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”

It was a third degree burn.

Some people say the president acts like a horse in a hospital...

But what they don't realize is that to make a stable out of a hospital, you'd have to be a stable genius.

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

Why is Jesus acting so weird lately?

Because he alone is the most high

When a Queen Bee mates thousands of males gather round and try to impregnate her. Before the act of mating is done, she will have stored sperm inside her from about 30 to 50 males. This is an amazing aspect of nature.

So, much love to my man Jay-Z.

Why do you have to act quickly during a flood?

Because it's an emergent sea!!

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I was sexually active at 12

It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.

I don’t understand people who tell me to act my age.

I already am my age.

A circus wants to change some things about one of it's acts to make it more modern, but they don't want to give up all of the originality

It's a balancing act.

My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

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My girlfriend said she was tired of me acting like a detective and told me that we should split up

I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way"

She also got pissed at me and said that I ruined her birthday which I have no idea how I didn't even know it was her birthday


I heard these two jokes when I was a kid and they've always made me laugh, I know they are kind of old b...

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

Did you know that the human cannonball circus act has a mortality rate of about 50%?

The other half didn't fare much better. They were all fired

I often act out the names of places that I visit.

For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming. When I went to Rugby, I played rugby. When I went to Bath, I took a bath.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.

The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.

The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, foll...

Did you guys hear about the banana that acted as a getaway driver?

He peeled out and split.

Doesn’t it happen to you that you gain 20 kg for an acting role...

...and then you remember you are not an actor?

He refused to act like a bird.

I pointed my gun at him and insisted.

But he was unflappable.

A magician is on a cruise ship, accompanied by his pet parrot.

Every day, the magician holds a magic show for the patrons on the cruise. The parrot sits on his shoulder throughout the act.

Eventually, after days of viewing these acts, the parrot starts to get the tricks behind them all. So as the magician would carry on with his show, the parrot would ru...

I was playing the squeeze box and a policeman told me to stop, so I acted accordioningly.

\*boom tish\*

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John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

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Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

Did you know that banana peel is supposed to be put under the controlled substance act?

It can give you bad trips.

After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young woman

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm to pass time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person....

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Justice is served

So Donald Trump is finally found guilty for all of his high crimes and misdemeanors. The very fine people of New York have won the privilege to decide his fate. Before his many years in prison the city had declared that, The Donald be put in stocks and chains on display in the middle of 5th Avenue. ...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

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Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

...My wife really acts fucking strange sometimes.

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A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution.

On his w...

Kevin Spacey's acting career was like a House Of Cards...

One blow from a kid and it all comes tumbling down.

I'm a doctor, and my old secretary was a cannibal. She always ate clients in the waiting room, and one day I caught her in the act.

I fired her then. For the longest time, she was trying my patience.

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I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. ...

Why was the goose acting so silly?

He was on quack!

For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.

It was a stage he was going through.

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

The...

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

My friend lost his acting job in our local play because of his addiction to cocaine.

He kept blowing his lines.

"Hello sir would you like to sign this petition in support of the Cheese Act that congress is trying to pass?"

"Yeah sure I'm pro-volone"

When a flat-Earther acts carelessly, what is he doing?

Living on the edge.

A couple wins a free day at a golf course

But just a few minutes into the game, the husband breaks the window of one of the most luxurious houses nearby.

When they arrive to try to talk their way out, the door is open, and a man with a luxurious robe stands next to a expensive looking broken crystal lamp.

- are you the owner o...

If Newton heard us describing people "rolling in their grave" without a net force acting on them...

... He'd be rolling in his grave.

Anyone hear about the conspiracy theorist who died and went to heaven?

When he arrived, God stated that He grants all His children one question. The man promptly asked, "Who killed Kennedy?" God replied, "It was Lee Harvey Oswald, on the 6th floor, with his own gun, and he acted alone." The man thought for a moment then disappointingly replied "This goes higher u...

TIL When Steve Martin was 20 he had a ventriloquism act. The manager of a club where he performed had a tip for him.

"You have to hold the dummy closer to the mic."

From Steve Martin's interview on Seth Meyers' show.

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

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A man is out playing golf one day. He finds some golf balls that have been lost by other golfers and they look like they are of a high quality so he puts them in his pocket and plays on.

Back at the club house he goes to the bar to get a drink when a stunning, large breasted young blonde lady comes and stands next to him. They get to some polite conversation and the guy is acting cool. The blonde looks down and notices a bulge in trousers and begins to blush in embarrassment as she ...

Two men were talking. Said the first "I went to the theatre last night but had to leave after Act I."

"Why was that?" asked the second.
"Well, the program said 'Act II - one year later', and I couldn't wait."

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Why is Hitler better than Epstein?

In a herioc last act, Hitler killed one of the biggest criminals of his time.

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Why was the Mad Hatter acting a little queer?

He had a hare up his ass.

What do you call the misguided act of worshipping mediocre products at rock-bottom prices?

I-Dollar-Tree

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."...

Good Advice

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How doe...

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One time in first grade at recess...

I went up to this girl I liked in my class and started talking to her. This lil asshole kid came up and loudly exclaimed "shes MY girlfriend" I was mad so I punched him as hard as I could in the nose. Blood and tears everywhere. In an act of passion I kissed the girl and the other teachers freaked o...

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss "The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member...

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I like to think of the act of pooping like a game of poker

You go all in with a royal flush.

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

I honestly think girls need to stop acting like their periods are the worst things in the world

It's really just a bit of an ovary action, don't you think?

What act is worth 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

A man loses his legs in a bear fight

Despite this, he wins the fight, and uses the bears legs to replace his own.
By the time he gets to a hospital, he has full control over his legs,
The doctors tie the legs better, and let him keep them,
About a month later, a ringmaster of a freak circus finds him, and offers him a job in t...

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Hitch Hiker (Long read)

My Dad and I were driving down a long road back home. We saw a hitchhiker and being the nice man that he is, my dad decided to pull over and offer a ride. Right away he noticed a suitcase hidden behind the man who was acting strange. My dad said "I'm sorry Mister I'm willing to give you a ride but f...

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

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True story

My wife comes at home in a hurry:

**—** Honey, I'm late for my gynecologist appointment! Don't have time to shower and shave, I'll just wash down there and I'll go. 5 min later she rushes out the door.

When she comes back, she's angry as hell:

**—** That son of a bitch, he's bee...

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Did you know there’s a word in Norwegian for describing the act of crying while masturbating?

It’s really difficult to pronounce so I can’t remember the word, but it’s a real tear-jerker.

A Mexican magician performs a vanishing act.

He tells his audience "On the count of three, I will disappear! Uno! Dos...!"

Poof!

When the smoke cleared, he had disappeared without a tres.

Two blondes are working at a warehouse...

One blonde, tired of working, says to the other: “Watch this, I’m going to act crazy so that the boss will send me home.”

She climbs up the racking and hangs from the rafters yelling “I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB!!”

“What are you doing?! Get down from there and GO ...

Look at that cloud, trying to act all cool..

He's nothin' but smog

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What do you call the act of a bird masturbating?

A flap fap.

An Iditerod racer took a sled dog to the vet. "He's acting very strange," said the dog owner. "He encourages the other dogs to hump him. Other than that, he's perfectly normal and a great musher. Should I be worried?"

"Not at all," said the vet. "He just identifies as female. What you have here is a Trans Siberian Husky."

Why do squirrels always act like they are insane?

They want to be sent to the nuthouse.

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2 Young lovers are up at make out point having the time of their lives when a cop bangs on the car and stops them in the act.

What the hell are you two doing up here at this time of the night? he growls.
It's ok officer.. we are getting married tomorrow, the young lad declares.
Oh I am so sorry to have disturbed you the cop exclaims.
Being your last time having sex and all.

I’m 28, and my parents got really angry at me for acting like a flamingo all the time.

When they told me that, I had to put my foot down.

A human cannonball showed up late to his act.

He was fired.

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2 brothers, 12 and 10 decide it's time for them to act more manly

It's just before breakfast and the 2 brothers in their bedroom upstairs decide they're going to start cursing since that's what they see in the adult shows and movies. Mom calls them down for breakfast and they head down to the kitchen and take a seat. Mom turns to the 10 year old and asks "what wou...

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

Doctor: Sir, you're too arrogant and have not looked after yourself. Tests say any small act of physical exertion will kill you.

Arrogant man: Me? Don't make me laugh!

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A fox is trying to relax on his day off and decides to smoke a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

The circus was in town and was taking applications from the local townspeople for wildly unique acts.

The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.

“Ok”, said the interviewer, “what’s your special talent?”

“I do bird imitations!”, replied Jack.

The interviewer sighed and shook his head. ...

Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

What do you call it when someone starts acting like an angry center divider?

They're in mean median mode.

People always act surprised when I say that I swing both ways...

I don't get what's so surprising about being good at baseball.

A man approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden..

I think hes lost the plot!

I don’t get why pro athletes feel the need to hit women...

...just reply to the next one in your DMs if she isn’t acting right.

What do you call a worldly act of a cow god?

Bovine intervention

Woman: I’m having the worst period ever

Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

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It really annoys me when Americans act like they cracked the secret of Nazi codes when they took the Enigma machine off U-751.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I was molested by a mime.

He did unspeakable acts on me.

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