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I was sexually active at 12

It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.

My girlfriend said, "You act too much like a detective . I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”

It was a third degree burn.

I often act out the names of places that I visit.

For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming. When I went to Rugby, I played rugby. When I went to Bath, I took a bath.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.

The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.

The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, foll...

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Maybe if some girls were fed better they wouldn’t act so slutty.

Just some food for thot...

Did you know that banana peel is supposed to be put under the controlled substance act?

It can give you bad trips.

Why do you have to act quickly during a flood?

Because it's an emergent sea.

I'm a doctor, and my old secretary was a cannibal. She always ate clients in the waiting room, and one day I caught her in the act.

I fired her then. For the longest time, she was trying my patience.

(Oc) What do you call a comedian whos act relies only on memes and pun?

A Comemeian

He refused to act like a bird.

I pointed my gun at him and insisted.

But he was unflappable.

"Hello sir would you like to sign this petition in support of the Cheese Act that congress is trying to pass?"

"Yeah sure I'm pro-volone"

Two men were talking. Said the first "I went to the theatre last night but had to leave after Act I."

"Why was that?" asked the second.
"Well, the program said 'Act II - one year later', and I couldn't wait."

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. ...

TIL When Steve Martin was 20 he had a ventriloquism act. The manager of a club where he performed had a tip for him.

"You have to hold the dummy closer to the mic."

From Steve Martin's interview on Seth Meyers' show.

When a flat-Earther acts carelessly, what is he doing?

Living on the edge.

John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.

It was a stage he was going through.

What do you call the misguided act of worshipping mediocre products at rock-bottom prices?

I-Dollar-Tree

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I like to think of the act of pooping like a game of poker

You go all in with a royal flush.

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A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution.

On his w...

Why do squirrels always act like they are insane?

They want to be sent to the nuthouse.

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."...

My wife was very irritated with me for my constant need to act like a flamingo

so i had to put my foot down.

Look at that cloud, trying to act all cool..

He's nothin' but smog

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2 Young lovers are up at make out point having the time of their lives when a cop bangs on the car and stops them in the act.

What the hell are you two doing up here at this time of the night? he growls.
It's ok officer.. we are getting married tomorrow, the young lad declares.
Oh I am so sorry to have disturbed you the cop exclaims.
Being your last time having sex and all.

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

A Spanish magician was about to attempt a vanishing act...

"On the count of 3, I will have vanished from the stage!"

"Uno!"

"Dos!"

\*Poof\*



He disappeared without a tres!

Doctor: Sir, you're too arrogant and have not looked after yourself. Tests say any small act of physical exertion will kill you.

Arrogant man: Me? Don't make me laugh!

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An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."

It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."

So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.

"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessl...

What act is worth 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

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Did you know there’s a word in Norwegian for describing the act of crying while masturbating?

It’s really difficult to pronounce so I can’t remember the word, but it’s a real tear-jerker.

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What do you call the act of a bird masturbating?

A flap fap.

Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

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2 brothers, 12 and 10 decide it's time for them to act more manly

It's just before breakfast and the 2 brothers in their bedroom upstairs decide they're going to start cursing since that's what they see in the adult shows and movies. Mom calls them down for breakfast and they head down to the kitchen and take a seat. Mom turns to the 10 year old and asks "what wou...

I hate when people act hypocritical.

Only I can do that.

The circus was in town and was taking applications from the local townspeople for wildly unique acts.

The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.

“Ok”, said the interviewer, “what’s your special talent?”

“I do bird imitations!”, replied Jack.

The interviewer sighed and shook his head. ...

A human cannonball showed up late to his act.

He was fired.

One of my most selfless acts was when I had several bones broken when stopping a fight.

Those kids never stood a chance

What do you call a worldly act of a cow god?

Bovine intervention

People always act surprised when I say that I swing both ways...

I don't get what's so surprising about being good at baseball.

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What is a Hawaiian sex act, and coincidentally, my favorite dessert?

Coconut cream pie

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Two men are caught sleeping with another man’s wife and are caught by police in the act.

After the arrest the two men, the police contact the husband, they tell him the story.

Police: Sorry to inform you sir but we found your wife having intercourse with two men by the names of Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong. When we found them, Right was in front and Wrong was in back. This must be...

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A man genuinely thought I was offering him a blowjob when I mimed the act to him.

But it was just tongue in cheek.

What do you call a swordfish that acts out scenes from the Godfather?

Marlin Brando

I just got fired from the clock making factory

Because I put in too many hours.

Apparently Tesla is producing a new cologne that acts as a strong pheromone,

They're calling it, "Elon's Musk"

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It really annoys me when Americans act like they cracked the secret of Nazi codes when they took the Enigma machine off U-751.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Sometimes when work is hectic and my family is demanding, I lock myself in the bathroom and act like an alien

I come in peace.

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act

I gave him 5 stars.

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What do you call a hen that acts like an asshole?

Jerk chicken

Why does America have the best movie industry in the world?

In the rest of the world, all the best actors play soccer.

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 280 characters

So Trump can't tweet it..

So that's why he acts like that . . .

It turns out - beer is bad for you - really! Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer - hops contain Phytoestrogens - and that by drin...

People always act surprised when I tell them my tattoo artist was Spanish.

No one ever expects the Spanish ink precision

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[Long] Never act "Too Smart"

Wife was so sure that her husband was cheating on her with the maid. So she planned and sent the maid off early that day and soon the night fell, The wife and her husband were in the bedroom trying to get some sleep while she waits cautiously for his actions.

As she expected, he gives the sam...

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Best-fitting phrase for the act of having sex with a little person?

Cumming up short?

Boy do i have an act for you! A talking dog!

"a talking dog? This I gotta see! You have one minute, so make it good, kid!"


"Rex, what's on top of a building?"

"ROOF!"

"What? You kidding me? He just says woof, any dog can do that."

"How about this? Rex, who's the greatest baseball player ever?"

"RUTH!"
...

I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act and it was one of those automated phone system which said...

“Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…”

What do you call trash talking the person next doors and immediately act friendly around them?

Trump.

Idiot Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the stude...

Just watched Elton John's new standup act...

It's a little bit funny.

In a historic day for Canada, Ontario held a Provincial Election on the same day the Senate passed the Cannabis Legalization Act.

Turnout was high.

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

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What's the 3 blind mices' favorite sex act?

Hickory Dickory Docking

Dont know if this is a scam but just got a text saying i won £250 or two tickets to elvis presley tribute act...

Says text 1 for the money or 2 for the show

My wife says I act really immature and need to grow up

I told her to get the hell out of my pillow fort with that negative attitude

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of cleaning up his act?

He changed his mind and decided to stick it out another year.

I hate when people say "act like an adult"

Have you seen adults lately?

Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

I, a student, was sleeping in and thus missed my classes for the day. My dad woke me up to remind me that I was a student, and to act like it...

...so I went back to sleep.

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I've been fucking my best friend's wife's brains out once a month, and today he caught me in the act.

I'm not sure what he was more mad about. The fact that I'm porking his wife or the grave robbing.

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