My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.

It was a stage he was going through.

My friend said: “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…”

It was a third degree burn.

"Hello sir would you like to sign this petition in support of the Cheese Act that congress is trying to pass?"

"Yeah sure I'm pro-volone"

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. ...

When a flat-Earther acts carelessly, what is he doing?

Living on the edge.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like to think of the act of pooping like a game of poker

You go all in with a royal flush.

Why do squirrels always act like they are insane?

They want to be sent to the nuthouse.

Look at that cloud, trying to act all cool..

He's nothin' but smog

My wife was very irritated with me for my constant need to act like a flamingo

so i had to put my foot down.

TIL When Steve Martin was 20 he had a ventriloquism act. The manager of a club where he performed had a tip for him.

"You have to hold the dummy closer to the mic."

From Steve Martin's interview on Seth Meyers' show.

What do you call the misguided act of worshipping mediocre products at rock-bottom prices?

I-Dollar-Tree

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 Young lovers are up at make out point having the time of their lives when a cop bangs on the car and stops them in the act.

What the hell are you two doing up here at this time of the night? he growls.
It's ok officer.. we are getting married tomorrow, the young lad declares.
Oh I am so sorry to have disturbed you the cop exclaims.
Being your last time having sex and all.

Doctor: Sir, you're too arrogant and have not looked after yourself. Tests say any small act of physical exertion will kill you.

Arrogant man: Me? Don't make me laugh!

A Spanish magician was about to attempt a vanishing act...

"On the count of 3, I will have vanished from the stage!"

"Uno!"

"Dos!"

\*Poof\*

​

He disappeared without a tres!

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."...

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution.

On his w...

What act is worth 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

The circus was in town and was taking applications from the local townspeople for wildly unique acts.

The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.

“Ok”, said the interviewer, “what’s your special talent?”

“I do bird imitations!”, replied Jack.

The interviewer sighed and shook his head. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know there’s a word in Norwegian for describing the act of crying while masturbating?

It’s really difficult to pronounce so I can’t remember the word, but it’s a real tear-jerker.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."

It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."

So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.

"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessl...

One of my most selfless acts was when I had several bones broken when stopping a fight.

Those kids never stood a chance

What do you call a worldly act of a cow god?

Bovine intervention

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 brothers, 12 and 10 decide it's time for them to act more manly

It's just before breakfast and the 2 brothers in their bedroom upstairs decide they're going to start cursing since that's what they see in the adult shows and movies. Mom calls them down for breakfast and they head down to the kitchen and take a seat. Mom turns to the 10 year old and asks "what wou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is a Hawaiian sex act, and coincidentally, my favorite dessert?

Coconut cream pie

People always act surprised when I say that I swing both ways...

I don't get what's so surprising about being good at baseball.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man genuinely thought I was offering him a blowjob when I mimed the act to him.

But it was just tongue in cheek.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It really annoys me when Americans act like they cracked the secret of Nazi codes when they took the Enigma machine off U-751.

Whoops, wrong sub.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men are caught sleeping with another man’s wife and are caught by police in the act.

After the arrest the two men, the police contact the husband, they tell him the story.

Police: Sorry to inform you sir but we found your wife having intercourse with two men by the names of Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong. When we found them, Right was in front and Wrong was in back. This must be...

What do you call a swordfish that acts out scenes from the Godfather?

Marlin Brando

A human cannonball showed up late to his act.

He was fired.

I just got fired from the clock making factory

Because I put in too many hours.

Apparently Tesla is producing a new cologne that acts as a strong pheromone,

They're calling it, "Elon's Musk"

What fo Catholics call the act of sentencing those who use protection to Hell?

Condomnation

So that's why he acts like that . . .

It turns out - beer is bad for you - really! Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer - hops contain Phytoestrogens - and that by drin...

I tried doing a stand-up act for a bunch of bodybuilders.

Tough crowd.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a hen that acts like an asshole?

Jerk chicken

Why does America have the best movie industry in the world?

In the rest of the world, all the best actors play soccer.

I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act

I gave him 5 stars.

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 280 characters

So Trump can't tweet it..

The circus’s lazy new act is just a woman in revealing clothing reciting ascending numbers.

I guess it’s the thot that counts.

Boy do i have an act for you! A talking dog!

"a talking dog? This I gotta see! You have one minute, so make it good, kid!"


"Rex, what's on top of a building?"

"ROOF!"

"What? You kidding me? He just says woof, any dog can do that."

"How about this? Rex, who's the greatest baseball player ever?"

"RUTH!"
...

What do you call trash talking the person next doors and immediately act friendly around them?

Trump.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] Never act "Too Smart"

Wife was so sure that her husband was cheating on her with the maid. So she planned and sent the maid off early that day and soon the night fell, The wife and her husband were in the bedroom trying to get some sleep while she waits cautiously for his actions.

As she expected, he gives the sam...

In a historic day for Canada, Ontario held a Provincial Election on the same day the Senate passed the Cannabis Legalization Act.

Turnout was high.

I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act and it was one of those automated phone system which said...

“Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the 3 blind mices' favorite sex act?

Hickory Dickory Docking

Idiot Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the stude...

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of cleaning up his act?

He changed his mind and decided to stick it out another year.

Just watched Elton John's new standup act...

It's a little bit funny.

My wife says I act really immature and need to grow up

I told her to get the hell out of my pillow fort with that negative attitude

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Best-fitting phrase for the act of having sex with a little person?

Cumming up short?

Dont know if this is a scam but just got a text saying i won £250 or two tickets to elvis presley tribute act...

Says text 1 for the money or 2 for the show

I, a student, was sleeping in and thus missed my classes for the day. My dad woke me up to remind me that I was a student, and to act like it...

...so I went back to sleep.

I hate when people say "act like an adult"

Have you seen adults lately?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been fucking my best friend's wife's brains out once a month, and today he caught me in the act.

I'm not sure what he was more mad about. The fact that I'm porking his wife or the grave robbing.

Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”

​

A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”

​

Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a...

Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

A Cow performs an act worthy of being knighted . . .

you may now rise, Sir Loin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

A couple of Scottish lads were out one night and they pass a small sign for a comedy act.

One friend squints to read it and says, "come on, let's check this out"

The other friend turns to him and says, "Aye, don't go in. He's not funny."

"How d'ya know, have you seen him before?" asks the enquisitive friend.

"Probably." he says, pointing at the tiny sign, "Look, he's...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The TSA has lifted a law banning sexual acts on public airlines.

When it comes to what people want; they finally started giving a flying fuck.

My therapist asked me how many times a day I act immature.

I responded, "sixty-nine."

What do you call a River who acts in a very Childish way?

JuveNile!

Nowadays, kids act like they got it made growing up with 4k.

Pffffftttt... I had 56k.

The Circus needed a new act...

there were 2 performers gunning for the opportunity: a beatiful woman and a man badly dressed.

The woman started her act, which was lion taming: she stripped stark naked, entered the lion´s cage, and made the beast postrate and lick her entire body, from head to toes.

The ringmaster wa...

I took an iq test yesterday on Facebook, as a matter of act...

and it told me im a genius! in the *top 99%*!

What do you call an orange that commits illegal acts?

A Pulpetrator.

There's this guy who wants to become a train conducter

He goes to school and eventually manages to land a really good job testing an experimental train.

So he gets into work for his first day and gets on the train. They get going and everything's running smoothly until he crashes the train, killing one person.

He goes to court and is sente...

People act surprised when I tell them my grandfather survived the holocaust.

Most of the guards survived didn't they?