After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

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A family is getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner.

Little Timmy sees his dad shaving. While shaving his dad cuts himself and says "shit"

Little Timmy "Dad what's shit mean"

Dad "It's just another word for shaving"

Little Timmy heads upstairs and sees his Brother and Sister fighting. His Brother calls his sister a Bitch and his S...

What did the father tree say to his son when he was ready to move out?

Boy, don’t forget your roots.

Genie: OK, I'm ready for your third wish.

Me: Third? What about the first two?

Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!" So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them.

Me: Well, OK. I wish I real...

A pilot and a copilot are getting ready to land their plane on an exotic foreign runway on a foggy day

The pilot says “I’ve heard that this runway is pretty short, so why don’t you go ahead and give me quarter flaps, so we can slow this plane down. The copilot acknowledges, and gives quarter flaps.

As they begin to see the runway through the fog, they start to see how short the runway is. The ...

A serial killer breaks into a couple's house and finds them getting ready for bed.

He points a gun at the wife and says, "What's your name?"

"Elizabeth," says the woman.

"I could never kill you," says the serial killer, tears in his eyes. "My mother's name was Elizabeth."

He then points the gun at the husband.

"And what's your name?"

"Dan," says ...

Oj Simpson is ready to remarry...

He knows the last marriage didn't end so well... but he's ready to take another stab at it.

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

Donner party of 5, your table is ready

Or rather, party of 3 now. Would you like to see a dessert menu?

If a girl says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes she will.

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

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The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I'd like to masturbate in a cup

I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.


The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interv...

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A guy is ready to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant while his wife is late and still getting ready.

He sees her using a hair straightener.

He asks: "Why do you use that"

\- "It makes my hair look longer"



Later the next day, at the hospital

Dr: "Now, Mr. Howard, would you please like to explain to me why you have 2nd-degree burns on your penis.

Roses are red, and ready for plucking. Girls out of high school, are you ready for...

College

Guys, I think I'm finally ready to stop being single!!

Now, where's that damned shotgun?

A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"

The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10...

What did one gekko say to the other gekko when they were ready to leave?

Let’s gekkoing

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A japanese pilot was getting ready for war.

He approached his commander, and asked what will be loaded into his plane.

The commander said 'Your plane will be equipped with 20 missiles to fire at ground troops'.

The pilot replied 'That's a bit much. I don't think I'll need all 21 bombs'.

I was totally ready to be God's son until I learned what it involved.

Really scared the be Jesus out of me.

I was ready to leave work for the day.

But then my boss told me I have 8 more hours to go.

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Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?

I guess we'll know when the time comes.

A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.

“This is the middle school calling about your son Phillip. He’s been caught telling unbelievable lies.”

“I’ll say he has,” the woman replies. “I don’t have a son.”

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Husband is getting ready to go out drinking with his buddies.

Wife is ironing his shirt and as he's putting it on, she gives him a warning about his drinking. "Remember, if you get so drunk that you throw up on your clothes. I'm going to be really upset". He assures her that he will be good and heads out to the bar to meet his friends. Of course he begins to d...

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman because she had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

The lady tells him that her new husband is a funeral director.

"Interesting," the newsman thinks....

He then asks her if she ...

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Are you ready to have only 7 planets left?

Because im about to destroy Uranus.

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves."

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection,...

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A man and his wife are getting ready for a date

She asked her husband “Does my ass look big in this dress?”

He replies “Honey, I’ll be completely honest with you, but you have to promise to not be angry no matter how I respond.”

“I promise baby, I won’t be angry if you’re honest.”

“I fucked your sister.”

I phoned my daughter, "Where are you? You should have been here an hour ago for our family dinner."

She said, "I'm with my boyfriend getting ready. We're almost finished."

"Thank goodness, I never liked him anyway."

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How did the scientist get a woman ready for sex?

Two test tickles.

I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby"

Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper

You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for

Times new ramen

So a man is chillin' in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room...

She starts yelling:

*"I'm so tired of seeing you there all the freacking day! Go move your ass! Look! I'm cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!"*

The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks th...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom...

A teenage boy named Avery Won is is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom. First he goes to buy a suit, and thankfully there isn't a line at the store, so he buys the suit quickly.

Next, he goes to the florist to get some beautiful flowers for his girlfriend. Thankfully, the store is p...

Johnny died. The same day Jimmy died. Johnny’s wife brought his suit to the funeral home. Jimmy’s wife brought his motorcycle jacket to the funeral home. The funeral director was getting ready to roll Johnny out to the viewing when his wife realized that Johnny was not wearing his suit, But instead…

... was wearing a motorcycle jacket. The funeral director apologized and said he take care of it.

The funeral director rolled Johnny back to the back room and within two minutes brought him back dressed in a suit.

His wife was amazed. “How did you change the suit so quickly?” She asked...

If a boy is washing his face, then he is ready to go somewhere

If a girl is washing her face, then its confirm she's not going anywhere

I was teaching my son to cook spaghetti bolognese, he asked "How do I know when the spaghetti is ready?"

"Ah, that's the magic bit! You throw it at the wall and if it sticks, it's ready!" I smiled.

From over my shoulder I heard the clatter of a pan hitting the wall, then a voice said "Some of it stuck..."

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night

.
The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.

The sec...

What does Farmer Travis Scott do when his crops are ready?

He goes Sickle Mode

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

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A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said,

"I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he was finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhin...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Beethoven (to crowd): "Alright... are you guys READY FOR SOME SYMPHONIES?"

Crowd: (*Cheers*)



Beethoven: "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

My dad’s favorite. (Get the groan ready)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by ...

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we...

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for ...

A Pirate says to his Captain "The cannons be ready."

the Captain replies "Are"

My fiancee and I have matching engraved wedding bands ready for the wedding!

Inscription reads: waranty void if removed

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day of school...

So I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money.

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

The married couple is getting ready for going to the theater.

The wife is standing in front of a mirror and saying:

"So I am fat here and here.."

"This flab here is a total disaster.."

Then she turned to her husband and said "Could you say something nice about me?"

Well, despite your age, your eyesight is really good.

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Old couple are getting ready for bed...

An older couple are getting ready for bed and the lady is feeling frisky. She decides a little role play is in order . So she goes to the bathroom and she strips down, ties a towel around her neck and jumps out into the bedroom.

She screams, "super pussy!" The old man looks at her befuddled f...

After months of intense meditation in a shaolin temple I was ready for the final test.

The head of the order looked at me kneeling and spoke. ''You've done exceptionally well. You've mastered the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional. Now you must face the practical. The moment you walk out of here your path will seem clear to you, but that doesn't mean it's right.'

So I g...

Dad my girlfriends pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."

"I'm not mad, just disappointed."

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."

"Did you jus..."

"Yes."

"You're ready."

"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

A guy asked his crush to prom, and to his surprise, she said yes! The day before prom, he gets ready for the exciting day.

First, he goes to the tuxedo store to rent a tux, there was a huge line and he finally got the tux after 30 minutes. Next, he goes to the flower shop to buy a bouquet of flowers. There was an even longer line and he waited for 60 minutes to finally get the flowers. Finally, he went to the car shop t...

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A film director is getting ready early in the morning to start work.

It's 6am. There's a knock at his trailer door. He answers and a crew member tells him that they've been postponing too long and have to get to work asap.

The director knows this but appreciates the reminder. He only has time to get dressed, no brushing his teeth, no eating, nothing else. ...

Ready for a meal

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, sir" I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"F*ck off you c*nt," He snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in a prison canteen.

Today, I got to kiss my crush. I leaned in, ready for the big moment, with the suspense building up...

Then my lips hit the mirror

There once was a farmer with 3 daughters who were all going on their first date at the same time...

The farmer, being protective over his daughters, decided to meet their dates at the door with his shotgun. The doorbell rang, and the farmer answered the door.

He was met with a boy, who said: "Hi! My name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?"

The farme...

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There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."

Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the ...

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

I'm ready for a new sub...

But I'll have to wait 9 months till I can move over to r/DadJokes

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Johnny's class is getting ready for lunch

Johnny usually brings his lunch, but today he doesn't seem to have it and looks concerned. The teacher asks, "Johnny, is everything ok?"

Johnny replies, "well, my dad forgot to pack my damn lunch."

The teacher is taken aback, and says, "Johnny! What would your dad say if he heard you ...

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A guy was getting ready for a dinner-date with a stunning blonde.

He looked at the mirror and thought: "I should get some color! I know a safe place to get a tan on my roof."


It was blazing hot that day; he went to the roof, undressed, and decided to tan for 30 minutes.


Unfortunately, he fell asleep; and when he woke up, he was badly burned ...

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4 men on a tall building ready to go

4 men on a roof, japanese, mexican, black and white. The japanese guy walks to the edge and jumps off saying "this is for my people". Next the mexican guy walks to the edge and jumps off saying "this is for my people".
Then the black guy walks to the edge and says "this is for my people", then...

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I've bought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers ready for Halloween.

There's nothing sexual in it, it's just that she'll get a better grip on her broomstick.

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

I have a friend always ready for anything..

his name is

Justin Case

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

What do you call a doctor who’s always ready on call?

Oncologist

With Net Neutrality gone I’m finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won’t be when my pigeons deliver nudes faster than your service provider

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Viagra is getting ready to lose their patent.

It’s a hard pill to swallow.

Obama, Trump, and Bush were tossing around a football

On one pass, Trump throws the ball too far and it gets punctured on top of the White House fence.

Bush and Obama yell at Trump, saying he always manages to lose or destroy the football.

After a few minutes of angry stares, a Secret Service agent goes to Trump. He gives him another foo...

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A young boy waits downstairs while his date is getting ready

The Dad is there watching TV with the family dog.

The boy farts, the Dad yells at the dog.

The boy farts again, the Dad again yells at the dog.

The third time, Dad yells "Bingo, get way from him before he shits on you"!

Being in a wheelchair and trying to get ready in the mirror in the worst.

I cant stand to look at myself.

On a film set, everyone is getting ready to start shooting, when the director calls for his assistant to bring him the script.

The assistant runs onto set and starts kicking over props, crawling around the floor and frantically pulling his hair.

As the assistant starts tearing off his clothes and shaking them around, the director thinks to himself, "He's lost the plot!"

Get your bowl ready for some Soup

Because this acrobat is about to do the splits and he has a very weak bladder

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The waitress said “are you ready to order?”

“My wife is in the ladies “ I said

“Do you know what she’s having?”

“Well she’s been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit”

Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.

Soldier: Which one is Will?

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