God announced he was ready to create Man, but Satan came up with a scheme to mess with his plan

"God", said Satan. "Since Man is to be your crowning achievement, wouldn't you agree that when you introduce Man to Earth, it should be on a warm, sunny day to start with auspicious signs?"

God thought about it and he agreed. "Very well. I will create Man on the next warm, sunny day in Eden."...

A geneticist makes a breakthrough, enabling him to create a cross-breed of any two living organisms

He sets up his own lab and hires an intern to help him out. After explaining to the intern what the technology is capable of the intern is amazed and asks: "So you can really create a cross between ANY two living beings?"


The geneticist replies, "Yes, but I advise you to exercise cautio...

Why did God create war?

So that Americans could learn geography.

Matter cannot be created or destroyed

nor can it be returned without a receipt.

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a bett...

I created a website for orphans,

but forgot to make a homepage

The people who create math worksheets are so lazy.

They create a bunch of problems and expect other people to solve it for them.

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

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When God created woman..

When God created woman,

He gave her not two breasts but three.

When the middle one got in the way

God performed surgery.

Woman stood before God,

With middle breast in hand.

Said "What do we do with the useless boob?"

And God created man.

Why were religions originally created?

prŏfʹit

The Reason God created marriage..

So death wasn't so disappointing.

I created a dating site for people over 70.

It's called hot wheels.

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...

I make my own announcemints now.

Todd Howard & Gabe Newell have planned to create a game to together, it's called...

To Be Announced

I tried to create a great new chemical compound using oxygen and potassium...

It wasn't great, it was just OK.

Alfred Nobel was a great guy. He was a scientist, engineer, and he created dynamite. He also created the Nobel Prizes.

He was so amazing that he blew everyone away

I haven't seen a Chuck Norris joke in a long while so I created one...

Chuck Norris can decide which sound a music instrument makes

I created a graph explaining all my past relationships

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth….

...guess I’ll call it a day”

Why did God create Eve?

He looked down and seen that man was too happy!

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

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Why did god create vaginal mycosis?

So women can experience living with an annoying cunt, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

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What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years.

Thanks for everything dad.

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What does a crazy caterpillar create in order to turn into a butterfly? [OC]

A cuckoo-n!

Colt joined with ArmaLite to create a new firearm called The Congressional.

But it never works properly and you can't fire it.

Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way,

Would have been knocking boots with his wife.

A politicain wanted to confirm that his son was really his son or had his wife been unfaithful.

He creates a setup. He places a $1000 bill, a glass of whiskey and a gun on a table. He then calls his son in. His son barges in "Hey Dad"

He shows his son the setup and tells him to choose.

The son without a second thought picks up the bill, puts it in his pocket. Without further ado,...

Why did God create Adam before Eve?

He didn’t want any advice on how to do it

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Trump

However, the stamp wasn't sticking to the envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a detailed enquiry into the matter

After weeks of testing and $ 1 million in Congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings

"The stamp is in perfe...

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Headache & testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition...

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

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A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.

The Jew says, "My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy, but we don't celebrate Christmas. I'll put 7 candles on the tree to represent the Menorah" and he agrees to help.

The Muslim says, "My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don't celeb...

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died.

Resturant In Peace.

How to create your very own Bermuda triangle?

1. Surround yourself with relatives.
2. Submerge in their expectations. Watch all your hopes and dreams disappear!



PS:- Extra effective if you are Asian, especially Indian!

Edit : True Story.. I am an Indian and I approve this >\_<

How do you create a school shooting at a black school?

Call the cops.

If the Bible was to be summed up in one sentence it would be “ God created a man and a woman ...

... and then promptly lost control of events.”

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the o...

I had to create a report on how wind energy is produced

It was a breeze

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A girl and a boy go to Sunday school together,

They sit on the same table next to each other. The girl falls asleep on the desk with her head on her arms.

Soon, the leader asks a question, “Who is our lord and saviour?” The boy pulls a drawing pin from the display board and pokes the sleeping girl in the arm. She wakes up with a start and...

I've created a company whereby people hire us to insult the people they don't like.

We're doing a diss service.

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

I punched my wall today.

After punching my wall, it created a line. For fun, I decided to hammer a nail into the line. I really nailed the punchline.

I created a better way to defrost chicken

It was well thawed out.

How do you create tension?

I’ll tell you tomorrow

Create Your Own Fun

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name, he g...

it is my dream to create a performance entirely based on puns about invertebrates

and it will be called 'a play on worms'

A scientist got into an argument with God...

The scientist said, "We have decided we no longer need you, as we can create anything in the laboratory just as easy as you can create something."

God said, "OK let's see who can create a human from dirt."

The scientist reached down and gathered up some dirt...

God said, "Hey! G...

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

I always wanted to be a lumber artisan

Everything about it seemed so appealing, the beauty of creating uniquely carved furniture, the wide variety and color to create from, even the manliness aspect from it. My parents were always against it and insisted I do something that was more reliable and practical. I started to realize they were ...

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

I had to give up on my idea to create the world’s smallest flamethrower.

It was burning a hole in my pocket.

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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

Why did God create women?

Because Y not

Thanos, Hulk, and IronMan created a group chat...

..It’s named SnapChat

On the 8th day.

And on the 8th day Adam had a bad day, and God came to him.

God said: "I know you are troubled Adam, maybe I can cheer up with some nerve cells I didn't need to create you."

Adam grumbled and yelled back to God: "You can stick them in my ass!"

I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our forefather's created.

One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Everything else was made in China.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Create new password: Tomato

Confirm new password: Tomato

Error: Passwords don’t match

Why'd the jelly cross the road?

to create a traffic jam

If America changed from pounds to kilograms overnight, would it create..

mass confusion?

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

Notch and God

God joined the game.

Notch joined the game.

God: I can create day and night!

Notch: Me too!

God: I can create animals!

Notch: Me too!

God: I can make worlds!

Notch: Me too!

God: I can create circles.



Notch left the ...

If i create a Java class public Class Woman{}

Am I objectifying women?

I created a new word.

I call it, "Plaigiarism"

God created the earth, he wanted one perfect place, so he made France.

Then, seeing what he had done, he decided he had gone too far, so he made Frenchmen.

Little Johnny is sitting in class behind a girl named April

The teacher asks “who created the universe”
Little Johnny poked April with his pencil and April yelled “MY GOD”
the teacher replied with “ yes, god did create the universe”
Then the teacher asked another question “where do you go when you live a good life after you die”
Little Johnny pok...

A man walked into a warehouse looking for a hula hoop.

Once he found one of size, he measured it. A nice length it was! The width of the hoop was 1 meter.

The man began to hack away at the hoop, when suddenly, a voice emerged!

"Please don't cut me! I was created with a circumference of 3.14 meters!"

The man chuckled, and continued t...

Why did God create women?

Because hopes and dreams cannot crush themselves.

The oldest job in the world

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest professio...

The greatest treasure wins

Once, there were two tribes - the Ubangis and the Wallawallas. They worshiped the same gods, and their religion told them that whoever possessed the greatest worldly treasure had the gods's favor.

For many years, the favor of the gods lay with the Ubangis, whose chief had made a throne of ...

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

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The Greeks vs. The Italians

The Greeks say, “We have the Parthenon.”

The Italians say, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greeks say, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”

The Italians say, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”

And so on and so on for hours, until final...

A mad scientist walks into a bar..

..carrying 3 glass jars.

He puts the jars on the bar and says to the barman, "I have created life! Here, I have 3 jars, one containing Ice, one containing Water, and one containing Steam. They are all alive!".

The barman laughs and says, "ok, prove it then".

The mad scientist sa...

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My company created dotted rubber condoms with gold rings on them

Little did we know that only Apple has the patent to create Expensive ass items for dicks to please

My friend told me that he could create a biological electric current to run through a capacitor.

I said, "weird flux but ok."

Scientists have recently created a new plan to get rid of the large trash island in the ocean

They call it "Brexit".

What banner phrase did the art sculptures create to christen their upcoming race?

“Finish line or BUST!”

Why did the jelly cross the road?

He wanted to create a traffic jam.



I am aware that these are 2 different substances

I’m going to create a political institution based on eliminating vaccines. I’ll call it...

The Donner Party

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More pearly gates.............

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.


They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted." ...

Trying to create a decent graph of my data but some mystery guy keeps adding more samples to it.

The plot thickens.

My friends and I created a boysband of classical music.

We are the Bach Street Boys

Jesus likes to drink wine.

As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The r...

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. A voice calls out, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

James Charles has just created a large and complex theory regarding the origins of the universe.

*And thats the-sis*

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I want to create a machine that would smash two boners together at nearly the speed of light.

I'll call it the Large Hard-on Collider

My dream is to create a bioengineering startup that solves world hunger by developing a self-replicating noodle

Laugh now, but one day you're going to see my Copy Pasta everywhere.

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

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