"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."

"Yahweh."

How Woman was created.

So, Adam was in the Garden of Eden having a chat with the Lord. He was complaining about those stray "urges" he was experiencing and how there was no one to help him deal with them.

"OK", replied the Lord. "I'll take care of this. I will create Woman for you. She will cook, clean and keep...

I created an AI that analyzed everything submitted to /r/Jokes over the past year, then I had it write its own joke. Here is that joke.

EXC_BAD_ACCESS (code=1, address=0x0)

God says to the angel Gabriel: "I'm going to create a land called Canada."

"And Canada will be one of the largest and wealthiest in the world, stretching from the Arctic circle to the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, with breathtaking natural beauty and vast natural resources.

And Canada will have a rich cultural heritage, and its people will be renowned all over the wo...

What is created when you mix Human DNA and Whale DNA

Your mom

Why do vampires never create new businesses?

They're afraid of the stakeholders

(A joke I just made up)

The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.

After several very angry calls from the royal f...

What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.

A year ago,I tried to network around and create a group of guys with similar taste and do activities together.

For some reason, the prosecuting lawyer and media keep mentioning it as a ring.

I used a sample of my DNA to create a clone, with whom I now cohabit. People often ask me whether I think it's unethical.

I tell them I can live with myself.

What did Adam say after Eve was created?

Woah man!

Whats white, can create people, and is everywhere after a long night?

Snow

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just created a machine that turns any woman into a prostitute.

It's horrifying.

In 2021 I will create a business called “Resolutions”

It will be a gym for the first two weeks of the year, then a bar for the rest.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died.

Restaurant In Peace.

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?

So no one would tell him how to make Adam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, lik...

TIL Out of boredom and to create more band chemistry early in their careers, the Ramones used to go on single's cruises together around New York harbour looking to pick up chicks.

They wanted to be sea dated.

A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.

When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.

Albert Einstein created many concepts for modern physics.

His brother, Frank, however, created a monster.

Why did God create alcohal ?

To keep the Irish men from ruling the world

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome

God: *creates birds*

What type of bird creates an only fan's?

An Ea-gle....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The founders of Tesla and Microsoft have joined forces to create their new brand of Viagra...

Elon Gates.

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm trying to create a good ol fashion porn shop for us necrophiliacs. I know just what to call it

Welcome to the Creamatorium

I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency

I mean it's just common cents

Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry.

The game has similar themes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

Did you hear about the scientist who devoted his life to researching how to create potassium out of thin air?

Some could say... >!he’d gone bananas!<

A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.

When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a musician create when they masturbate while they're sick?

A sick beat.

They created an animal shelter near the mine field...

I never forget the weather of the day they all escaped, it was raining cats and dogs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Think I may have created something new here, honest opinion? (Nsfw?)

Work with a few of my friends and we got a messed up sense of humor and get away with some stuff. I texted all 3 3 hrs after work today and told them "I put dicks in your rearview. They all went out to discover clean mirrors before I said you are the dick I just put in the mirror.

I think I want to create a support group for pessimists.

Then again why bother, it will never work.

Scientists have accidentally created immortal frogs

While running experiments, they decided to cut some of the frogs vocal cords.
Ever since then, the frogs just wont croak

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”
“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.
Leaders from all over ...

Why it's impossible for skeletons to create a Choir

They don't have the organs.

Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur.

Call it *Mulan Rouge*

My dream is to create a fragrance that smells like a gas station.

I'd call it Per Fume.

How many billionaires does it take to create a superhero ?

Three. Two to die and one to never get over it.

Plant scientists have used genetic engineering to create a new variety of orange.

The novel navel.

Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create?

Doberman.

God creates Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

What do you get when a climate change activist creates computer code?

An Al Gore Rythym

What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute.

Where did Jesus create drugs?

Methlehem

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Donald Trump is walking along a beach

He stumbles over an old bottle, he picks it up and pulls the cork.
With a flash of light and a puff of smoke a Genie appears before him.

"Thank you Donald for releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you any 1 wish"

Trump immediately blurts out "I want a Dragon like from game of t...

Bill created Microsoft and Steve created Apple

I must say by doing so, they opened a lot of Gates for Jobs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

So if the big bang happended 13.8 billions years and matter cannot be created nor destroyed and our bodies are made out of matter, that means that out bodies are 13.8 billion years old

So in conclusion officer, yes she was old enough

I’ve created a writing software to rival Microsoft.

It’s their Word against mine.

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

I want to create a petition to switch the names of Mango and Coffee.

Because Coffee makes Man go

I created a wormhole, but it doesn’t work.

Now it’s just something to a-void.

What happens when you create a fake sob story on Reddit?

Karma comes back at you.

[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,

roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"

After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!

They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..

and ...

My life ambition is to have a lot of karma on Reddit.

Unfortunately, it is a hard job. I tried doing it alone first, leaving insightful comments and making quirky posts - but I had no luck. So I decided to ask for advice.

First, I went to a wise guru who had a thousand karma. And I asked him, "Oh wise guru, how do you have so much karma?"
...

Donald Trump just created a new company to make Parachutes for the Military

It opens on Impact.

I just don't understand it when people create puns about Covid 19

Is there some sick joke that I'm not getting here?

My Norwegian friend sent me a program he created...

...call that Norse code.

I tried to create an organization for dads to protest drunk driving

But it was just a FADD.

Did you hear about the mad scientist who created deer-plant hybrids?

Apparently he wanted to introduce some variety to the local fawna.

In a conversation with my beautiful red haired graphic designer of a girlfriend if she could help me with some creative ideas for a novel I am working on...

...and as she always does, with a gentle smile and her head rested on my lap as we sit and watch parks and recreation box set on Netflix for the 3rd time. Her voice gently breaks in her soft Irish accent as she simply says "my darling boyfriend, your imagination is so vast and so great, you do not n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of Hitler’s officer’s walked into Hitler’s office and asked, “Mein Fuhrer, what is the key to our plan to create an Aryan race?

Hitler responded: Concentration, my friend.

Some people create happiness wherever they go.

Others, whenever they go.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..<...

Why did God create war?

So that Americans could learn geography.

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

If I were a flower, I’d be a dandelion

Because I was created for you to blow me

Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, ‟Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”The dog said, ‟That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I will give you back the other ...

How do you get out of a room with impossibly high walls id all you have is a peice of wood?

First you rub the wood on your arm to create a sore. Then you use the saw to cut the wood in half. You stick the wood together again to get a whole. And you crawl out of the hole to freedom!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sony created two new stereos.

One has good bass for black people to listen to rap music. The other has good treble for white people to listen to country.

Those are two stereo types.

A couple scientists created an AI

That seemed to be able to answer all questions. It cured cancer and even told them how to travel faster than light.one day one of the scientists asked it if there was a god. The ai asked for all of humanities information in order to answer. It was given all books ever written, all historical data an...

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker

There it is -> .

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings. "This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask about the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.

It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”

The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.”A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “M...

I head Thailand and Iraq are working together to create a new product.

It's called a Tie Rack

Your mom is so ugly that. . . .

The entire world created a virulent strain of Coronavirus just so she'd wear a mask.

And she's so dumb, she thinks that masks aren't effective.

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt;

long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The insult "you son of a bitch"

Was created by cats.

Historical Context on How to Pronounce the Sauce

Since we are talking about how to pronounce the sauce. I though I would give some historical context I was talk when I was younger.

In the 19th Century, 2 men in England created a new sauce. It was savory, and went well with potatoes and meats. The 2 men didn't know what to call this sauce, s...

Why did God create Eve?

Because every Garden needs a hoe.

I created a website for unfinished t's, i's, and j's.

crossand.me

We need to show more appreciation towards people who created even the smallest joke

Because if it were easy, you would have came up with something funny by now.

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When two people kiss, they create a long tube....

...with a butt hole at each end.

Jesus, why did you let me die of coronavirus?

He ignored the lockdown order because “Jesus will protect me” he did not accept a mask because Jesus will protect him. He refused the vaccine, because Jesus will protect him. Then he died of Coronavirus and met Jesus. “Jesus, why didn’t you protect me!?”
Jesus responded, “First I put lockdowns in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dick has a sad life...

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him until he throws up.

Credit to whoever actually created this joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A truck driver, a priest, and a lawyer.

Being a truck driver can be very boring. One truck driver has created a game for himself to help stave off the boredom. Every time he sees a lawyer walking on the side of the road, he veers off and runs him over.

One day, the truck driver picks up a hitchhiking priest. The priest is quietl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just created a web site for English girls who got a sunburn at the nude beach.

It's called Redtit.

The perfect AI

Some many years into the future...

Scientist : Yessss!!!! After years of work, I have finally created the perfect AI humanoid. This robot has its own brain and can think and do exactly like a human being. Can't wait to try it out.

He switches humanoid on and thinks of a challenging t...

When Apple created the $700 wheels...

Did they expect profits to start rolling in?

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