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On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

From my wife: Why did God create orgasms?

So women have something to moan about, even when they're happy.

God took only one rib from men to create women

Because he knew, if he took a second rib, humanity would die out.
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Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub

It didn't work.
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It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID

none of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently
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God: Creates humans as they were meant to be.

Also god: New rules! I need you all to cut the extra skin off your penis.

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...

For a guy to catch a cold....
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God created the first Swiss and asked him:

"What do you want?"
"Mountains," replied the Swiss.

God created mountains for the Swiss and asked him, "What else do you want?"
"Cows," said the Swiss.

God created cows for the Swiss. The Swiss milked the cows, tasted the milk and asked, "Will you taste, dear God?" The Swiss fill...
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God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...
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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

As God created this human child, God asked him...

"How about an extra chromosome?"

The child replied, "I'd be down for that."
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Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?

So no one would tell him how to make Adam.
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Three engineers were discussing who created the human body.

The mechanical engineer said “Clearly it was a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints, levers and moving parts.”

“No” said the electrical engineer, “Look at the wired central nervous system and brain to process everything.”

The civil engineer said “You are both wrong. It was a civ...
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why did god create man before he created woman?

because he didn't want any advice on how to do it
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When god created man

Gods assistant: Is it done?

God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.

Gods assistant: Why?

God: For furniture.

Gods assistant: Furniture?

God: Believe me it'll be funny
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God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome

God: *creates birds*
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After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."
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Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.
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After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...
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God creates Adam

God creates Adam and it was good. After some time God realizes Adam needs a companion and says to him, "Adam, I have decided to give you a companion. I will give you a woman who will love you and live to please you. She will be intelligent, witty, and above all beautiful. She will cook your meals, w...
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The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time
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It's a good thing Gatorade was created by the University of Florida

If it had been Florida State, they'd call it Seminole Fluid
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Why did Hitler create the Nazi Party?

Because it was Fascionable at the time

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to...
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To be fair, Donald Trump HAS created a lot of jobs.

It’s going to take a lot of people to clean up this mess.
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I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency

I mean it's just common cents
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How do you create a paradox in Switzerland?

Ask the Swiss to stand for the flag and kneel for the cross
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God created Adam and after a time God took a rib from Adam to create Eve

God says to Adam “I have taken your rib and from that I have created Eve, a woman. Adam, you are to love Eve.”
Adam asks God, “alright God, well what am I supposed to love Eve, a woman?”
God tells Adam “you can go and hold Eve’s hand, Adam. Here’s how.”
God explain how they should hold ha...

I once tried to create a comedy routine based on the myth of Orpheus.

Looking back, it was a bad idea.
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I’ve always wanted to create a new font.

The descenders would be little link sausages. They’d be the serifs of knotting ham.
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth

... After that, everything else was made in China.
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Why did God create war?

To teach Americans Geography
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In an effort to create a more traditional vibe for our downtown, I proposed bringing in some gas lighting.

The city council called me crazy and said they already talked about this last meeting.
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What do you call smart speakers that settle debates and create disagreements at the same time?

Decisive divisive devices!
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Why do vampires never create new businesses?

They're afraid of the stakeholders

(A joke I just made up)
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I’ve created a new cocktail called “Conception”

To make it, I just add cum in cider.

Why did God create gold chains?

So Italian guys would know when to quit shaving!
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how did God create ducks?

"waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo"
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A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, lik...
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A Dr. Of marine biology was inspired to create a new beverage.

Dr. Marcus Opor, renowned marine biologist and ocean sustainability expert, experimented with a brewed beverage with skipjack tuna as its primary ingredient. He spent years alternating its composition, striving for a balance of savory and rich ocean flavors. At last, he perfected his "tea", and was ...
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The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mothers, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom"

Some innocent joke my father told me when I was a child. Not sure if this will make sense in english.

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mother, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom".

It's the first student's time, and ...
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I created a new word

“Plagiarism”
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How many Billionaires does take it take to create a Vigilante?

Three.
Two to die and one to never get over it.
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What did the weed sellers create when they went legal?

A "joint"-stock company.
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Why did god create the yeast infection?

To remind women what it’s like to live with a miserable cunt.

I had to create a report on how wind energy is produced

It was a breeze.
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What dating app did the pirate create?

Shiver Me Tinder
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The other day I learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when increased awareness of something causes you to create the illusion of it happening more frequently

I’ve been seeing a lot more examples of it lately
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Reddit creates a joke.

Ill start with one word and comment to create a joke in order.

One
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I am writing a thesis on how plants create oxygen.

There is only text and no photos-ynthesis.
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In the beginning, God created the dog.

He told it, "For 20 years, you are to sit near the door and bark at whoever walks by."

The dog responded, "20 years? That's a long time to do that. How about I do that for 10 years and give you back the remainder?"

God agreed. He then created the monkey and told it, "For 20 years, you ...
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I created a website for orphans

It has no homepage
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I've created a manly fragrance that smells like chicken nuggets.

I call it Pollo For Men.
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CREATE PASSWORD -

"123Bob".

Password must contain no names, be complex and have over 50 characters.

"GameOfThrones"

Password accepted.
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When God created Adam and Eve...

He said to them: I have two gifts to give you one is to do pee standing up and...

Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E... M E...I want it, please Lord... please... please... please... This would make life a lot easier!

Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her...
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“I've created a new computer that is almost human."

"You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?"

"No, but when it makes a mistake it blames it on another computer."
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Create a Story Using One Word!

Anyone can participate and IT HAS TO MAKE SENSE! Good luck! :)

What was the name of the knight who created math?

Circumference
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If "Gator Aid" had been created in Talahassee instead of Gainesville

Would we all be drinking Seminole Fluid?
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Warner Bros should create a Harry Potter spinoff series based on the life of Hermione Granger.

They should name it Granger Things.
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You know how they create fishing lures?

By casting them
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A couple scientists created an AI

That seemed to be able to answer all questions. It cured cancer and even told them how to travel faster than light.one day one of the scientists asked it if there was a god. The ai asked for all of humanities information in order to answer. It was given all books ever written, all historical data an...
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I created a graph explaining all my past relationships

It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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An inventor has created a very fancy diaper changing table

It will be called the "Shart-Tooterie Board"

(stolen from a friend of mine)
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Not all construction work is created equal.

For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.
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Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create?

Doberman.
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If a drug lord created a chocolate brand, what would it be called

EscoBARS
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What sex position creates the ugliest babies?

I dont know. You should ask your mom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I created a prostitute out of paper...

This was the first time I made whorigami.

In 2021 I will create a business called “Resolutions”

It will be a gym for the first two weeks of the year, then a bar for the rest.
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The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died.

Restaurant In Peace.
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When God created woman..

When God created woman,

He gave her not two breasts but three.

When the middle one got in the way

God performed surgery.

Woman stood before God,

With middle breast in hand.

Said "What do we do with the useless boob?"

And God created man.

Did you hear that the country's mailmen have created their own church?

It's known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Letter-day Saints
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Where did Jesus create drugs?

Methlehem
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A new soda has been created that's made from the dead.

It's called Decoffinated
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What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

How Woman was created.

So, Adam was in the Garden of Eden having a chat with the Lord. He was complaining about those stray "urges" he was experiencing and how there was no one to help him deal with them.

"OK", replied the Lord. "I'll take care of this. I will create Woman for you. She will cook, clean and keep...
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How do you create tension?

I’ll tell you tomorrow
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When God created women...

He told them: "Women from all the corners of the world should have equal rights to men."

Ironically he made the Earth round.
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What award goes to the eunuch who creates law and order among all the other eunuchs?

The no ball peace prize.
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Starbucks created a new specialty drink to honor all the candidates running for Congress.

It’s called the Fullacrappacino

Einstein created a theory about space

and it was about time too
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Create new password: Tomato

Confirm new password: Tomato

Error: Passwords don’t match
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An artist created an exact portrait of me just by projecting saliva onto the canvas

It was my spitting image
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I have created the only non-racist Chinese joke.

So I went to Chinatown today. There were too many bright lights. I asked them to dim sum.
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Why it's impossible for skeletons to create a Choir

They don't have the organs.
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I’ve created the thickest moisturiser in the world….

To be honest, it still hasn’t sunk in yet.
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Who created memory foam?

NASA. They did it for the G’s
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God says to the angel Gabriel: "I'm going to create a land called Canada."

"And Canada will be one of the largest and wealthiest in the world, stretching from the Arctic circle to the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, with breathtaking natural beauty and vast natural resources.

And Canada will have a rich cultural heritage, and its people will be renowned all over the wo...
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You can tell that the toothbrush was created by the English

Otherwise it would be called a teethbrush
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My son created a kids safe Godzilla Knock Knock Joke

Son: Knock Knock

Victim: Who's there?

Son: Godzilla

Victim: Godzilla who?

Son: Raaawr! Chomp!
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Which blood type was created by mistake?

Type O.
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I created a computer program to calculate how the speed of light appears to vary depending on the observer’s point of view.

It’s written in Subjective-c.


\[Maybe not the greatest, but this joke does enjoy the distinction of being the first joke I thought of in a dream that was still funny (or at least, still made sense) after I woke up. Even so, probably only huge nerds will get it. Thanks for coming to my T...
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Albert Einstein created many concepts for modern physics.

His brother, Frank, however, created a monster.
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My Cousin was born with no eyelids. Later when he was circumcised, they used the foreskin to create eyelids for him.

Everything turned out fine......he's just a lil Cock eyed.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a bett...
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Why can't God create another God?

Because it's human job.
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Some people create happiness wherever they go.

Others, whenever they go.
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What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.
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After God created the world and Adam & Eve

[NSFW]

He still had 2 gifts left. God said: "The first is to stand up and pee..."
"uh, pick me, pick me, I want that" Adam interrupted.
"You don't want to hear what the other one is?" God replied, but Adam was already on his way to test out this new gift.
"Very well, eve!" God said...

Create Your Own Fun

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name, he g...
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One day I'll create a cure for blindness

You'll see.
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God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,

"What am I going to do with this useless tit?"...

Do you know the guy who created the knock knock joke?

They say he won the no-bell price.
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old soviet joke (I believe it was created after Czechoslovakia uprising)

So John, Pierre and Ivan are having few drinks. Guys start talking cars. Pierre brags a bit - "Well, in Paris I drive my Citroen, but to countryside I take Peugeot. Of course, for longer trips to Europe my wife insists on Renault - its so much more spacious". "Well, that's nothing, in London I drive...
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Why did Zuckerberg create Facebook?

He couldn't pass the captcha for Myspace.
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What does a musician create when they masturbate while they're sick?

A sick beat.

Whats white, can create people, and is everywhere after a long night?

Snow
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A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...
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