After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur.

Call it *Mulan Rouge*

Plant scientists have used genetic engineering to create a new variety of orange.

The novel navel.

How many billionaires does it take to create a superhero ?

Three. Two to die and one to never get over it.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”
“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.
Leaders from all over ...

God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome

God: *creates birds*

LG created a new proprietary Bluetooth technology and protestors are now rallying against the the IEEE 802.15.1 Bluetooth standard

Manufacturers have quickly adopted to LG's new protocol, as they are afraid of not supporting the LGBT.

Why it's impossible for skeletons to create a Choir

They don't have the organs.

I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency

I mean it's just common cents

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

Where did Jesus create drugs?

Methlehem

Donald Trump just created a new company to make Parachutes for the Military

It opens on Impact.

Universe was created when

God's wife said to the God that 'I need some Space'

God creates Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create?

Doberman.

Bill created Microsoft and Steve created Apple

I must say by doing so, they opened a lot of Gates for Jobs.

I think I've created a great dad joke:

I was conceived in a bakery.

You can say I was born and bread there.

What do you get when a climate change activist creates computer code?

An Al Gore Rythym

My Norwegian friend sent me a program he created...

...call that Norse code.

I want to create a petition to switch the names of Mango and Coffee.

Because Coffee makes Man go

What happens when you create a fake sob story on Reddit?

Karma comes back at you.

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

I created a wormhole, but it doesn’t work.

Now it’s just something to a-void.

Did you hear about the mad scientist who created deer-plant hybrids?

Apparently he wanted to introduce some variety to the local fawna.

I’ve created a writing software to rival Microsoft.

It’s their Word against mine.

I tried to create an organization for dads to protest drunk driving

But it was just a FADD.

I just don't understand it when people create puns about Covid 19

Is there some sick joke that I'm not getting here?

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Sony created two new stereos.

One has good bass for black people to listen to rap music. The other has good treble for white people to listen to country.

Those are two stereo types.

If the Big Bang happened 13.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created or destroyed, and all of our bodies are made up of matter, that means we are 13.8 billion years old.

So in conclusion officer, yes she was old enough.

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

Some people create happiness wherever they go.

Others, whenever they go.

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Oh, April!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and ...

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One of Hitler’s officer’s walked into Hitler’s office and asked, “Mein Fuhrer, what is the key to our plan to create an Aryan race?

Hitler responded: Concentration, my friend.

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A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicle...

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Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

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In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him ...

I head Thailand and Iraq are working together to create a new product.

It's called a Tie Rack

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker

There it is -> .

The man who created autocorrect has died

May he restaurant in peace

Hear me out!!

Is it wierd how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how wierd it is?

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later...

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later. The sailors that find him are surprised to see 3 large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings.
“This first building is my house,” he says. “I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plu...

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..<...

We need to show more appreciation towards people who created even the smallest joke

Because if it were easy, you would have came up with something funny by now.

I created a website for unfinished t's, i's, and j's.

crossand.me

When Apple created the $700 wheels...

Did they expect profits to start rolling in?

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Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.

It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe

A Priest and a Rabbi go for a Walk in the Park

As both come by a beautiful lake, the rabbi says: “Let’s take a dip, the water looks refreshing!”

“But we have no trunks”

“Then let’s go in as god has created us.”

Said and done, they go in. After a while, they get out and walk back to their clothes. There, a small group of peop...

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I just created a web site for English girls who got a sunburn at the nude beach.

It's called Redtit.

Why did God create Eve?

Because every Garden needs a hoe.

Two aliens are sitting in their spaceship looking at the earth.

One of them has been researching whether an invasion would be viable. He reports back to his commander "the humans have somehow managed to harness the power of the atom to create some of the most powerful weapons I've ever seen".

The commander says "maybe it would be unwise for us to invade t...

A couple scientists created an AI

That seemed to be able to answer all questions. It cured cancer and even told them how to travel faster than light.one day one of the scientists asked it if there was a god. The ai asked for all of humanities information in order to answer. It was given all books ever written, all historical data an...

Students, for your science exam you will be required to create a vacuum.

No pressure.

will glass coffins be created?

remains to be seen

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

Humans advanced to the point of space domination and could create clones of themselves.

Two friends, Dill and Jeuk decided to play space tag. Dill was 'it'.

Jeuk had a clever trick up his sleeve. He created 50 clones of himself and hid them in the galaxy, while he himself hid in a cluster of comets.

After a lot of looking, Dill found the first clone in a nearby star syste...

A scientist named Berade cloned himself 76 times. Because of a mutation, the clones were all much more muscular than the real Berade.

One day one of the clones said to his 75 fellow clones, "I'm tired of that weakling bossing us around! He's treating us like servants just because he created us!"

So the clones all picked up Berade and threw him into a pigpen. When Berade landed, a hornet's nest was dislodged, and the hornets...

Just created an ARG

Let's just say it wasn't what people were expecting.

What do guns and corona virus have in common

They were both created in China now every American has one

Why did God create war?

So that Americans could learn geography.

Three gentlemen were discussing about the oldest job in the world...

A doctor, an electrical engineer and a lawyer were talking about who had the most ancient profession.

The doctor said: "Well, god was the first doctor, for he created life itself, so my profession is the oldest!"

The electrical engineer replied: "But wait, before that, God said 'may t...

Albert Einstein was a genius and it ran through his family.

His brother, Frank, created a monster.

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When two people kiss, they create a long tube....

...with a butt hole at each end.

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What did God say after he created the Japanese?

Ramen.

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A boy was born with a rare condition called ablepharia..

It’s were the child is born without eyes lids. The doctor tells the parents that there is a new surgical treatment were they take the foreskin of the circumcision to create new eye lids. The parents asks how successful the surgery has been.

The doctor says “The surgery itself is pretty simp...

What would IKEA be called if it was created by someone in the Soviet Union?

WEKEA

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

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An old joke my dad told me

A man and a woman, along with their six children, live together on a farm, raising chickens and other animals. Once a week, they slaughter one of the older chickens, and roast it for dinner. However, the family always fight over who gets to have a leg off the chicken, with only two of the eight fami...

"Mom, how did humans come to exist?"

"Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve..."

"But dad said we came from apes."

"He was talking about his family, I am telling you about mine."

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Marketing: lets create a fun and exciting cereal

**Executive:** okay... go on.

**Marketing:** it’ll have cool colors and fruity flavors...

**Executive:** omg yes

**Marketing:** and rabbits can fuck right off if they think they can have some!

A blonde, redhead and brunette die and God appears before them

Mesmerized by their beauty (yes, he didn't create them ffs) he gives them a challenge. "For each step you take on the staircase to heaven, I will tell a dark joke. If you laugh, then you will fall straight to hell. Otherwise, despite all your sins, I will let you enter the gates of heaven".

A...

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An american, a german and an argentinian are sitting in a room.

The american, to assert dominance, out of nowhere says, "My country created the best space rocket, that got us to the moon first. That makes me better than you."

The german exclaims, "Ja, I clean my ass with your rockets." And he follows, "My country created tanks, an unbeatable force in bat...

Children in the back seats of cars create accidents

Although its only natural as accidents in the back seats of cars create children

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

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Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck.

Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday’s droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants and did his business in the exact same spot in hopes of seeing how many flies he could gathe...

We were learning about energy in 3rd grade...

I raised my hand curiously and the teacher called on me and I asked “What energy do lights use?” She looked at me hesitantly, as if I asked about a forbidden knowledge, questioning what she should respond with and said “I would tell you but the answer is very shocking.” Frustrated with the answer, ...

"Piglet, I need your help", said Winnie the Pooh

-I want to create a trading firm called "Honey". You will play crucial role in this.

-Wow, we will be selling honey?

-No, we will be **buying** honey. And we will be selling pork.

Why did God create Adam before Eve?

He didn’t want any advice on how to do it

I’ve been convinced: Trump really is trying to create more jobs

I hear the unemployment rate for military analysts in Iran is at a record low!

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us fro...

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God offered to prove his power to a scientist.

Scientist asked God to fill his basement with diamonds, and instantly god did. He wasn't convinced yet cuz an alien could have the tech to do that.

He asked god to create a new galaxy in less than 1 second, and god did, but still wasn't convinced.

He asked God to create another planet ...

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

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Scientists are predicting that an aurora will be created from all the self-isolating people stuck at home watching porn...

Due to the resulting coronal mass erection.

Bill Gates created the Coronavirus so people would start using Microsoft Teams

dont know if this belongs here but I posted this in r/conspiracy and r/showerthoughts but everyone thought it was serious

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

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Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg

So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.

The people who create math worksheets are so lazy.

They create a bunch of problems and expect other people to solve it for them.

I've created the world's best labyrinth

It's a mazing.

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When God created woman..

When God created woman,

He gave her not two breasts but three.

When the middle one got in the way

God performed surgery.

Woman stood before God,

With middle breast in hand.

Said "What do we do with the useless boob?"

And God created man.

3 Nuns appear before St. Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Upon seeing the three, Peter states: "As I see that all three of you are women of faith. I see no reason to even look up the sins of your life to assess your worthiness to enter Heaven. However, I must test your faith by each asking you one question to see your knowledge of the holy book."

Th...

Who created Scientology in Middle-Earth?

Elrond Hubbard

Friend: "I created the brightest star in the night sky."

Me: "You can't possibly B Sirius."

Do you know how the US creates jobs?...

We arrest more innocent people with jobs

I tried to create a great new chemical compound using oxygen and potassium...

It wasn't great, it was just OK.

I created a graph explaining all my past relationships

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Finnish jokes poking fun at Sweden, translated to English (not 100% greatest translation)

-Swedish is an easy language to learn. For example, sit horse is sit ruuna (sitruuna = lemon)

-how do you recognize a Swede?

He pushes a pull door

-What is the difference between a chicken and a Swede?

-Chicken only lays eggs/fails (same word in Finnish) once a day
...

A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer...

were debating whose profession is the oldest. The doctor said, “In the book of Genesis, God took a rib out of Adam’s side. So obviously God was a surgeon.”

The engineer said, “Yes, but long before that, He created the world out of chaos. So God was an engineer.”

And the lawyer said, “Y...

Con-fusion

I know a con artist who loves nuclear physics.
- He creates confusion.

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A virgin man and a virgin woman...

A virgin man and a virgin woman who never saw anyone from the other sex naked before, were riding on a camel through the desert. Then in the middle of the desert, the camel stopped walking and was tired, it was hungry, thirsty and there wasn’t any water or food. They waited for a while, but the came...

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