The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many "friend-zones" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So i heard Wolverine got a sex change

Now he's an ex-man

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mom decided she would be happier as a man, so she got a sex change. We never saw her again.

She's transparent.

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)

(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. They are efficient but not funny.

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the...

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. 1 to change it and 9 to post in the comments that it’s been done before.

Me : Well you know 'change is inedible'

Friend : Do you mean 'inevitable'?

Me : (spits out nickels) nope.

How many Buddhist monks does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But its a long process where the monk keeps telling the bulb that change must first come from within, until the bulb attains enlightenment.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna go for a bike ride?

How many roaches does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nobody knows. Once it turns on they all scatter.

Periods can change a meaning of a sentence.

Example:

“He likes to eat her out.”

“He likes to eat her periods out.”

How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend performed a sex change on a man the other day.

So glad he could pull it off.

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor and asks for a sex change

Man: “I can’t stand this any longer. I want a sex change and I want it right now!”

Doctor: “Slow down. This is a long, complex process and we’ll need to take it one step at a time.”

Man: “Fine, but at least get the balls rolling.”

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and scr...

How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Because PETA can't change anything.

(Found this joke in a Super Meat Boy manual)

How many hits of acid do I need before I can change a light bulb?

Two. One to help me get the ladder and the other to distract all the spiders. Oh god - - there are SPIDERS everywhere!! And now they’re purple cows. With fangs. Only 8 more hours of blblblblblblblblbl.

What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan

Did you hear about the chameleon who could not change color?

It had a reptile dysfunction.

I’m about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes.

I have to take a course in anchor management.

I do embrace change.

But I rather prefer notes.

What did Han Solo’s last name change too after he married Leia?

Han Duet.

How many Police does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. Did you think Sting actually changes lightbulbs?

How many CIA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

They're not telling. They would prefer to keep you in the dark.


Just kidding. It's actually [█████████████████&#9...

What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

A guy changes a lamp; he's a man of action

A dude holds a prism in front of that lit lamp; a man of refraction

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb?

The answer may shock you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend got a sex change operation done. I got so mad I told him to jump off a cliff.

but I dont think he has the balls.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call your electrical engineer brother who got a sex change?

Transistor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

When you try to change the current flowing through a solenoid and it resists

Weird flux but OK

How many Jackie Chans does it take to change a weebs light bulb?

One because hes the Onii Chan they need.

The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

Change in women's requirements towards men by years.

10 years - prince with a castle

15 years - a rock star

20 years - beautiful, smart and rich boy

25 years - a smart and rich man

30 years - a man that cooks and cleans

35 years - a man

40 years - a cat

45 years - two cats

Haven’t you heard? Some pirates are going for a career change to bankers, and they’ve got good rates.

Pi-rates.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call Batman after a sex change?

An X-Men...

A coma can change a lot in a sentence

For example:

Ben is in school

Ben is in a coma

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I watched a man on the street begging for change.

After a few hours, he got up, walked to a quiet street and hopped into his Mercedes. I followed him. When we were in quiet place, I flashed him and he got out the car.

I said, "I saw what you were doing back there... taking advantage of innocent, naive people, stealing their hard-earned money...

Why did I change my last name?

SO my wife could have Ms. Carriage

My vasectomy was supposed to change everything.

I haven't noticed a vas deferens after the procedure.

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, but times up, we can discuss it at your next session.

Things really change when you grow up

For instance, nobody tells me I did a good job when I finish all my food!

Punctuation really changes the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

"let's eat, grandma"

vs

"let's eat, punctuation"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s it called when a woman has a sex change operation?

An Addadicktomy

How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Wait, hold on, how do we know it's not supposed to be that way? We've only been looking at that bulb for 2 years, and the scientists who say we need to replace it are probably working for the light bulb industry. Also, yesterday it was on! Why do we need to do anything if it's different day to da...

Hollywood is really taking climate change seriously

Vin Diesel even changed his name to Vin Solar

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(nsfw, racism) i was waiting at the bus stop when i pulled out my phone, accidentally dropped a bunch of change...

Asian guy next to me says "Yeah!? Well fuck you too!!"

Don't try to change the shape of 2-sided polygons.

Let bigons be bigons.

An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11

He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.

"Are you sure?" The cashier says.

"I don't like change." the man replies.

The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid"

The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"

Science: cowfarts cause climate change. Vegetarians: I'll have what the cows are eating.

Science: cowfarts cause climate change.

Vegetarians: I'll have what the cows are eating.

What do they call it when a Chameleon can’t change colour?

Ereptile Dysfunction

How many [not your political party] does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they are incapable of making real changes due to [thing you dislike about the opposing political party]