How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)

(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many "friend-zones" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So i heard Wolverine got a sex change

Now he's an ex-man

If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she either really likes you, or you've been completely friendzoned

Or she hasn't seen you in the tree with your binoculars yet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mom got a sex change operation

After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.

That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terri...

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. They are efficient but not funny.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear that Michael Jackson’s had a sex change?

He identifies as he/he.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mom decided she would be happier as a man, so she got a sex change. We never saw her again.

She's transparent.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

5.

1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh, it's some obscure number you've probably never heard of.

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.

​

“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor ...

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wealthy neighbour told me she wants to change her will and she's going to leave everything to me.

Well, she can fuck right off and hire a Lawyer.

Tight bitch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you change shit to shinola?

Vowel movement.

Today was awesome, I found $1.36 in change in the gym shower today

And the guy dropping them was really nice too

What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors?

E-Reptile dysfunction.

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The girl: This pussy gonna change your wholelife

The boy: prove it!

The doctor: you have aids now

Never argue about climate change

It always turns into a heated debate

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They're efficient and they don't have a sense of humor.

(Not mine... I think I heard it on QI or similar...)

How many trans people does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But they have to live in the dark for 30 years before they're allowed to change, and nobody will believe them afterwards.

I got an oil change for my car and the guy told me I needed a tire rotation too

Lmao headass, the tires rotate every time I drive it

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. 1 to change it and 9 to post in the comments that it’s been done before.

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”

​

The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a new medical procedure for female-to-male sex changes...

It's known as an addadicktomy.

Me : Well you know 'change is inedible'

Friend : Do you mean 'inevitable'?

Me : (spits out nickels) nope.

Everyday my wife gets mad at me for no reason when I wake up. Tonight I’m going to change this.

“Why are you on my side of the bed?!” She said

“We are switching places tonight.” I replied

“Why?!”

“Because every morning you seem to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.”

How many Buddhist monks does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But its a long process where the monk keeps telling the bulb that change must first come from within, until the bulb attains enlightenment.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to hold the penis.. I MEAN LADDER! LADDER!!

George Lucas announced that he'd like to make several changes to The Phantom Menace.

But I say let's let Qui-gons be Qui-gons.

How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.

How many nostalgists do you need to change a lightbulb?

3. One to hold the ladder, one to change the bulb, and one to sit and think how much better was it with the previous lightbulb.

We learned today that Trump blocked a proposed budget change that would have eliminated finding for the Special Olympics.

He must have been pretty mad at the thought of being unable to compete this year.

Periods can change a meaning of a sentence.

Example:

“He likes to eat her out.”

“He likes to eat her periods out.”

I think I want to change my career to dentist

Why, I just saw some kids flossing down the street on my way to work yesterday.

How many roaches does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nobody knows. Once it turns on they all scatter.

A woman made a 20¢ copy at my library and paid with a quarter, but told me to keep the change.

"Nobody wants nickel back."

A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

How many British politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't. They just keep passing 8 lightbullbs around until they either drop and break them all or the sun comes up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend performed a sex change on a man the other day.

So glad he could pull it off.

How does Theresa May change a Lightbulb?

She doesn't. She says Labour already screwed it up.

How many tactical psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well, data from exercises suggests that ten of them, if well coordinated and trained have a 96% success rate. but under real-world conditions, its anyone's guess.

What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and scr...

Scientists have determined that it's impossible to change a female sheep into a male.

They'll never make a man out of ewe.

How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Because PETA can't change anything.

(Found this joke in a Super Meat Boy manual)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor and asks for a sex change

Man: “I can’t stand this any longer. I want a sex change and I want it right now!”

Doctor: “Slow down. This is a long, complex process and we’ll need to take it one step at a time.”

Man: “Fine, but at least get the balls rolling.”

How many hits of acid do I need before I can change a light bulb?

Two. One to help me get the ladder and the other to distract all the spiders. Oh god - - there are SPIDERS everywhere!! And now they’re purple cows. With fangs. Only 8 more hours of blblblblblblblblbl.

I yelled at my coworker yesterday because he couldn't spare me any change.

Some people have no common cents.

I’m about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes.

I have to take a course in anchor management.

What did Han Solo’s last name change too after he married Leia?

Han Duet.