How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

A colon can completely change a sentence.

Mary ate her friend's lunch.

Mary ate her friend's colon.

How many passive-agressive people does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, but 2 would have been helpful

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't. They're too busy arresting the light bulb for being broke and beating the room for being black.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)

(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let’s go for a bike ride.

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the...

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the football team that wants to change their name to the "Tampons"?

Because they are only good for one period and have no second string.

What do you call a redditor who changes accounts and posts the same content on each?

A Karma-Karma-Karma-Chameleon

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mom got a sex change operation

After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.

That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know yet but it has to be more than eight because my basement is still dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Who gives a fuck about millenials anymore, they now suffer like the rest of us in their 30's with crushing debt, child rearing problems, weigh gain, and a terrible government. Welcome to the club ladies and gentlemen, don't forget to turn the light off when you go to bed, that shit is tough to chan...

Change is hard.

Have you ever tried to bend a coin?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a hard day at work, my boss cornered me in the change rooms.

She is a beautiful but intimidating woman. She looked at me and said "I'd like you to take off my blouse". With some nervousness I said "ok, sure" she then said "can you unbutton and remove my skirt too please". She lastly asked for me to take off her bra and panties as well. To which I also obliged...

What do you call it when a chameleon won’t change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

I just found out my girlfriend has an STD but she wants to keep it, how do I change her mind?

Please Reddit, I really don't want a kid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the surgery called when a woman gets a sex change?

Addadictomy

I have a friend called Fred who changes his name as often as he changes his shirt.....

..... he’s always been called Fred and he stinks.

I don’t get it. What’s the problem with climate change, ice bergs melting and the sea level rising?

I mean the excess water just flows down the edge of the Earth.

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?

This question reveals that you are still thinking waterfall. For a more agile approach, ask e.g. "When will the scrum master call the janitor?"

I should change my last name to Bull.

But I'm not going to as it would make this a Terry Bull joke!

My home town never changes population

Once a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves the town.

Why can't regular browsers of r/jokes change a lightbulb?

They are all looking for the punchline.

Commas can really change the meaning in a sentence.

For example:
Ben is in a hurry.
Vs
Ben is in a comma.

I got to change the name of any country.

Now i live in Constant fear.

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Because there was a pop when I hit the light switch and I don’t know what to do

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.



“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee....

A man goes to an auto shop for a $60 oil change

Before he's about to leave, 3 men enter and hand him another bill, confused and slightly angered, he asks the manager who those people were, the manager then replies, "They're surprise mechanics and they're quite ethical"

Did you hear about the ecoterrorist who tried to start another ice age to combat climate change?

They charged him with crimes against humidity.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. They’re efficient and don’t have a sense of humor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that Michael Jackson’s had a sex change?

He identifies as he/he.

Your taste buds change every month. Want proof? Follow these steps.

1. Take a piece of bread or a fruit of your choice.

2. Take a bite of said food.

3. Wait a month.

4. Take another bite of that *same* piece of food.

If all goes correctly, you should have tasted something different.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom decided she would be happier as a man, so she got a sex change. We never saw her again.

She's transparent.

A climate scientist and a climate-change denier walk into a bar

The climate-change denier goes to the bartender and asks for the strongest drink in the house.

The bartender takes out a bottle and says, "This is Absinthe, about 75% alcohol. Can I sell you a glass?"

The climate-change denier gets all upset and leaves the bar in a huff. The climate sc...

A man gets change from an interaction with his friend, and noticed something strange.

He asked his friend:

“Why are these coins smaller than usual?”

His friend replied:

“I got the ‘new batch of coins’ from the bank”

The man asked another question:

“So why are they small?”

The friend answered again:

“The government has made coins small...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pope is asked to change the prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

A scientist told me my climate change denial was wrong, citing the horrific brush fires we see wiping out swathes of vegetation all over the world.

I told him they were just plants.

The Pope and Colonel Sanders of KFC are having a conversation about the change to the Lord's Prayer.

"Your Holiness," Sanders began. "You must make another change. Instead of give us today our daily bread, make it give us today our daily chicken."

"I cannot change these words!" The Pope was astounded. "They are ingrained in our very heritage!"

They negotiated until the Colonel finaly ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been getting progressively fatter and decides he needs to change.

He sees an advertisement that claims it'll help you lose 6 lbs in 3 days. With nothing to lose except 6 lbs he calls up the company and says hell give it a try. When he wakes up the next morning he hears a knock on the door and opens it to discover a topless brunette standing there. Smiling cheekish...

Flat-Earthers always change what they say about the Flat Earth for their convenience. Luckily there aren't any other groups that do that.

Thank God.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With climate change, income inequality, racism, xenophobia, religious extremists, war, and famine all around us, I often wonder what the world is coming to.

Then I check PornHub.

Turns out it’s stepsisters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do orgies and climate change have in common?

Everyone's fucked.

Sure, we can do something about climate change now....

But if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist; we would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.

Facebook should change it’s name to..

reddit from 6 days ago

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wealthy neighbour told me she wants to change her will and she's going to leave everything to me.

Well, she can fuck right off and hire a Lawyer.

Tight bitch.

Impact of a job change!

One day, a taxi passenger touched the driver on his shoulder to ask for something. The driver screamed, lost control of his car, went up onto the footpath & stopped a few inches from a shop. The passenger apologized & said: "I didn't realise that a little touch would scare you so much".
...

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

This sentence is incorrect, you have to change a word for it to be correct, what word do you change?

Change "Incorrect" to "Correct"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you change shit to shinola?

Vowel movement.

How man addicts does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one... Well...

Maybe just another.

And that's it...

Just them...

They are all it takes and they can stop changing bulbs whenever they want...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

Why do leaves change color in Autumn?

Because instead of chlorophyll, they chloro-empty.

One day a DJ for a local radio station wanted to change things up.

He wanted to start playing more up beat music, so he went to the manager of the station and told him his idea. The manager said he would look into it.

A few days go by and the manager comes back to the DJ and tells him there is a problem with one of the songs he wants to play from The Beach B...

Today was awesome, I found $1.36 in change in the gym shower today

And the guy dropping them was really nice too

The EU decides to change up the English language:

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling ...

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