UPJOKE
shiftmoveturnswitchalterationconvertmodifymodificationvariationaltermutationdissimilatedownshiftconversionmovement

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.

But it takes a shitload of lightbulbs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, like one, three, five? Whatever, I just can't even...

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.

Not NSFW: How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

How do boomers change a lightbulb

They dont, they just keep talking about how great the old one was

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

With Twitter being re-branded to “X” What do we call tweets after the change?

Excretions

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

When my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed

My address, my phone number..

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

10.

1 to change the bulb and 9 to tell you how much better they could've done it

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light has to really want to change.


Give me your best lightbulb joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands

They're about to get fucked

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

My town's population never changes

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name?

Or was Snoop Lyin'?

Edit: Just in case the king sees this, I got mad respect for you Dogg. Smoke weed everyday.

(His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.

*Edit: Wasn't my joke, it was a friends but I can't credit him since I don't know his account name*

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
"Ben is in a hurry."
"Ben is in a coma."

How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.

How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb?

"No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ...

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Honestly, it's a pretty obscure number. I doubt you've ever heard of it.

“Can you please change my grade?”

“Of course,” Tom remarked.

Trump's Presidency is like climate change

Every day it gets worse and Republicans try to deny it.

How many LGBT supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb is fine the way it is. Society just needs to change the way it looks at it.

Edit: Wow front page. Didn't expect this big a response.

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...

it's like I've never seen herbivore.

"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."

The US Supreme Court has changed dramatically since Justice Ginsberg passed away.

It has become Ruth less.

Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas.

how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

How many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one:


Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. ...

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

The real question is that who broke the light bulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

edit.. thanks for the award kind stanger.

How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness

My wife explained, "You need to do more chores around the house." I moaned, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and said...

"Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you."

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Depends on how clumsy you are.

*There, I've killed it. Move on /r/jokes, move on.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said the sex after my vasectomy changed dramatically...

She said she noticed "a vas deferens"

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

How does a narcissist change a light bulb?

They hold it up to the light and wait for the world to revolve around them

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Metamucil changes its name to Facebookmucil

CEO admits the move was difficult, since both firms deliver crap.

How many Fu** Boys does it take to change a light bulb?

It is a trick question, as they are still using gas lighting.

Why did Batgirl change her name to Batwoman?

She had her Bat Mitzvah.

So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

They finally did it, Reddit has made impossible for blind people to moderate their sub with the api changes. This is their last statement from r/blind

"H dhei osndhsjbw siso is koqp odjd jsoa JD djs sis ikksbs"

(I am sorry for this horrible joke and I really hope things may work out for you)

How many psychiatrists are needed to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but they'll be more than 20 sessions to find that the lightbulb doesn't need to change.

My wife's attitude has changed since I've been in this wheelchair.

Now she talks behind my back and pushes me around.

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

Why did Worf change his hair color?

It was a good day to dye.

How many Redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1000 One to change it and 999 to walk into the same room and change the same light bulb without checking to see if it needed changing first.

Climate change is such a joke...

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

Correct Change

Two counterfeiters are making some fake bills. They've had a few drinks, so quality control is a little off. They accidentally make a whole stack of $15 bills.

"What the hell are we gonna do now? We wasted all this time and resources making these" one of them says.

"I know", ...

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Thank you for your query. Your number is #204588. We have allotted a timeslot for you at 2-3pm on Tuesday the 28th of November, during which time you will be required to fill out and submit forms 32.B and 44.A from our catalogue. Once these forms have been processed by our team we will begin an inve...

I asked the cashier “Could you give me small change instead of bills? I need money for the bus “

She said “That’s fare”

I wanted to change my name to “Frieza” but had no idea how much paperwork would be involved.

This isn’t even my final form.

Climate change is getting boring

It's just not cool anymore

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

Elon: I want to change the company name.

Company: why

Elon: Good one, How about X, instead

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.