Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they all use gas lighting.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

How many capitalists are needed to change a lightbulb?

None. Capitalists are not _needed_ for anything. They just tagged along to ask for lighting subsidies

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The real question is: who broke the lightbulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

The sweater my wife gave me for Xmas was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as Knockers

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What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

Today I crossed the road, changed a lightbulb and walked into a bar

I think my life is turning into a joke

In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish

all other languages were deemed un-finnished

So much has changed my girlfriend told me she was pregnant

For instance my name, my address, my phone number..

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves aroudn him.

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk

How many writers for "The Simpsons" does is take to change a lightbulb?

None. They won't admit that it burnt out 15 years ago!

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They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands

They're about to get fucked

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

Fiction Logic: How many anime dudes does it take to change a lightbulb

One...

But it takes them 10 god damn episodes.

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
‟Ben is in a hurry.”
‟Ben is in a coma.”

How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place.

If you work really hard one day things are going to change

Youll finally be recognized for doing twice the work in half the time and now everyone has half the time to do twice the work

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

My Friend really changed once she become a vegetarian...

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

I needed some change in my life

So I decided to start a coin collection. I know it seems odd but it makes cents to me.

My band just decided to change our name to "ACAPELLA"...

...as we walked out of the pawn shop.

What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is?

A right angle. It's always 90 degrees.

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn’t matter. How did that joke make you feel?

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According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes when they die.

Cyan-aura.

Can any redditor change a lightbulb on Valentine's Day?

Yes, since it needs only a single one to do it.

Wife - I have changed my mind.

Husband - Have you gotten a working one now?

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As I get older many of my buddies are now getting married. As I am still single loads of people keep telling how my friends and friendships will change once they get married...

So far I disagree with this sentiment, I am still close friends with all of my buddies, even after they’ve been married for years and years.



But I can say without a doubt that my friends really do change as soon as they become Dads, they immediately become real motherfuckers!

"Well, here is your problem," the doctor says to the first-time father. "It seems that this child needs a diaper change."

The new father replies, "That can't be! The package said it was good for 8-10 pounds."

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True story! A 55-year-old Walmart cashier winked at me as she handed back my change the other day.

People's Sexiest Man title, here I come.

How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire?

Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.

I work for a company that legally changes names

A woman named Tina came in the other day and I was really impressed. I'm gonna Mary her

(it's my cake day... take er easy)

How many trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, I've stopped counting.

I remember the time my cousin completely lost it and threw a giant fit at her 12th birthday party. After she changed her outfit she was fine...

It was a post dramatic dress

The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger.

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U.

It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.

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How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

2; one to screw it in and one to tell him he is screwing it the wrong way.

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.

Obi Wan Kenobi decides he wants a change of pace so decides to put his skills into becoming a marriage councillor.

One day a familiar face pops in, Luke Skywalker. Luke sits down an immediately bursts into tears as his new wife is absolutely awful. For three hours Luke talks, almost non stop, about all the horrible things she does to him - putting green milk in his cereal, signing him up to the Jar-Jar fanclub, ...

What do you call a table whose design can be changed at anytime?

Editable.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

Why can't we study the change of velociraptors over time?

Because then it would be an acceloraptor

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Enough to sing happy cake day!

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How can a black man change a republican politician's views on abortion?

Get his wife pregnant

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My tastes in porn have become very eccentric due to being single and alone for so long during the quarantine. But I've vowed to change after what I watched last night...

I thought to myself, "I can't believe I've come to this."

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride our bikes!

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I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

I changed all my passwords to “Kenny”

Now I have all Kenny Logins.

A blonde changed her hair color

There was a blonde who was fed up with all the blonde jokes she had heard. So she changed her hair color to to brown.

She was driving along a country road and saw a shepherd herding sheep. She stopped and dared the shepherd. She asked if she could take a sheep if she could guess how many of t...

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I have recently changed my "porn browser" to Microsoft Edge...

...and oh man, it takes too long to cum.

Change is inevitable.

Except from a vending machine.

How many Americans does it take to change a President?

Please, someone tell me. I want to get this over with!

Change of career, I'm now an aspiring cameraman...

For onlyfans.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both need to be changed regularly.

And for the same reason.

Name Changes

Several hundred years ago a young hispanic boy was born. His mother wanted to give him a name deserving of her little king. Unfortunately, without medication and in pain she screamed when telling the nurse the name she picked. So instead of Prince, riIINS is what she heard and so Rins was his name. ...

Change for a $15 bill

An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his ...

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many ‟friend zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it will not screw.

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How many Freudian psychanalysts do you need to change a light bulb? Two:

One to change the light bulb, and one to hold the penis.

THE LADDER! I meant the ladder.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

Imagine if Americans changed from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion.

Bridge to Hawaii

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, **POOF** a genie popped out.
"I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one." The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, "I want a bridge from California to...

What are the causes of climate change?

The climate changes when it gets tired of wearing the same old clothes.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One lawyer buys a ladder, the second one moves it and the third one sues the ladder's company

During this lockdown I have explored a not so common hobby. It's called 'Changing people's lives'...

Mostly ruining. But it's a change for them.

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

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Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

How many IT support guys does it take to change the light bulb?

Zero. They just switch it off and on a few times and it works like new

How many Nintendo fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who knows? They’re all too busy playing with the switch.

She went missing !

Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weig...

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The guy who wanted to change his name

A guy goes to a registry office to change his name. This is how the conversation goes with the officer:

\- You need to have a convincing reason to change your name, sir.

\- But my name is terrible!

\- Well, what's your name?

\- Johnny Shitface

\- Oh, well, yes that...

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...

I can’t change, I’m like a chameleon...

Always a lizard!

How long does it take someone who doesn't understand astronomical measurements to change a lightbulb?

A lightyear

Coronavirus really changed my Tour of Italy...

... the waitress at Olive Garden had to bring it out to my car.

A man goes to the Doctor

and tells him he’s been having terrible gas, but his farts don’t smell and they are always silent, so nobody seems to notice.
The Doctor prescribes him a pill and asks tells him to come back in a week.
The man returns a week later and the Doctor asks if there had been any change in his cond...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in most of the way and another to give it a surprise twist at the end.

How many American voters does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, trump won’t let me count them all.

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