How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

...


Change? That’s socialism.

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

Change for a $15 bill

An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his ...

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How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!

How would you write “I changed a light bulb” on your resume?

Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.

My friend has changed so much since becoming a vegetarian...

It’s like I’ve never met herbivore.

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.

I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

How many Nintendo fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who knows? They’re all too busy playing with the switch.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

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Your sex life really doesn't change as you get older.

When you're in your 20s, it's tri-weekly.

When you're in your 40s, it's try weekly.

When you're in your 60s, it's try weakly.

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How many dead baby's does it take to change a light bulb?

Not 53 because my basement is still dark

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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

As my wife walked out again she said: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."

If you think one man can't change the world,

You clearly haven't eaten a half cooked bat before

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, if they’re told the lightbulb doesn’t exist, it doesn’t need changing

Two men are discussing how they'll reach a lightbulb that needs to be changed.

Man 1: would you like the ladder or the step stool?

Man 2: I prefer the ladder.

Man 1: ok, step stool it is.

How many nice guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they’ll just compliment it and get annoyed it won’t screw

Imagine if the rest of the world changed from Kilograms to Pounds overnight

There would be a mass confusion

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

I told my girlfriend last week to get her air conditioning fixed and to stop walking around the house naked for all the neighbors to see. I came over today and nothing has changed

Except now she’s got only fans

How many Kardashians does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't change one. All they do is hold the lightbulb and think the world revolves around them.

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six, one to change it and the other five to say how they could do it better.

My wife asked me "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change ?"

I said, "The process is the same. They just have tiny clothes"

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A man visits court to ask for a name change

"Hi there, I would like to change my name, please", the man says.

"I see... Why exactly do you want to change your name?", the clerk asked.

"Well, I was named after my father but he abandoned us while I was a baby so I don't feel any connection to it."

"I understand but we can't...

Due to the wave of homeschooling this year, I'm suggesting we change "wake me up when September ends"

To "knock me out when September starts."

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Some people change relationships like the rest of us change underwear

At least once a day, sometimes more if shit got messy

What did the conjoined twins change their dating profile to after surgery?

Recently Separated

How many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb?

so.. um, wanna play basketball?

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How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to collect all the information from the client what he wants done
1 to fill a flipchart with nonsensical bullshit
1 to whip the interns to actually collect the data required (i.e. someone has to pretend to work)
1 to write a report about it
12 to bill the work of the 18 people ...

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

How do get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Barack Obama installed it.

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For years I’ve been hearing about how Cosmo’s Sex Tips changed peoples love lives for the better

Wanda must be one lucky lady!

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

How does a Karen change a lightbulb?

She holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

Only stupid people never change their minds

That's what I've always said.

A friend got his name legally changed from Pert.

I guess he's an expert now.

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump just says it’s fixed and the rest of them sit in the dark and applaud

How many Project managers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they are all still discussing the best way to do it.

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

How many trumo supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They all. Sit in the dark saying it's working ti someone questions it. Then that person is fired because there is no broken light bulbs.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

Due to the coin shortage the restaurant didn’t give me any change.

It’s non-cents.

A gynaecologist wants a change of profession.

A gynaecologist was a bit bored of his job and wanted a change of profession. He decided that he liked the idea of becoming a mechanic and applied for a position at the local garage. Sure enough he got the job and on his first day he was waiting for his first task. A car pulls up needing some work d...

A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I ate Julie’s sandwich.

I ate Julie’s colon.

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

The Dalai Lama hands over a $10 bill, and asks for his change.

The man behind the counter says, "No, change must come from within".

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

Reddit changed their logo and removed the red.

Now its blackdit

Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

A: No, but that's cool man, you hum a few bars and I'll fake it.



A: Two hundred and twenty.



One to hold the bulb

Two to turn the ladder

Seventeen on the guest list.

200 to say their mate is on the guest list and they are their plus one.

Basketball hasn’t changed one bit...

WNBA games are still empty.

How many IT specialists does it take to change a lightbulb?

SUPPORT TICKET CLOSED: Lightbulb already installed.

What do you get when a climate change activist creates computer code?

An Al Gore Rythym

Times sure have changed. Back in my day...

It was a crime to walk into a bank, wearing a mask, and ask for money.

If I had a nickel for every time a homeless person asked me for change

I would still say no.

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Q: Does anybody know how many dead hookers it takes to change a lightbulb in a basement?

Because it’s definitely not six...

What do you call an upvote that changes colors ?

A karma chameleon

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two; one to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis... I mean *ladder*

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Well, it's this *really* obscure number, you've probably never heard of it..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I changed all my passwords to Bigtitties

I've mammerized all of them

What do you call an insect that hates changes?

A const-ant.

How many Marvel Characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but every couple of months another one changes the same lightbulb.

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

Breaking News: The Washington Redskins have changed their name.

They will now be called the DC Redskins.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to assure the public that they’re doing everything they can to fix the issue while the other screws the bulb into a faucet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

Climate change is such a joke...

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

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Pornhub is making a big change

Due to rising tensions, Pornhub has decided to change the category 'Masturbation' to 'Equalbation'

A particularly open-minded flat-earther started out on a journey, and decided he wouldn't stop traveling until he found evidence to convince him to change his worldview.

And eventually he came around.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"

--50 cent

My town’s population never changes.

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

Why did the asparagus change its name to asaragus?

Because its "p" smelled funny.

(Joke by my six-year-old daughter)

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor though...

The changes with NASCAR were bound to happen......

They've been turning left for years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Let's fuck grandma.

Let's fuck, grandma.

Gen Z should change their name to...

quaranteens.

Change comes from within

But you have to insert a dollar first

Cleveland Indians are going to change their name....

....I suggest Cleveland Bharati.

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My friend Crystal married an Indian guy but decided not to change her last name

And it's a good thing she did, because she'll be fucked if her name is Crystal Mehta

Today I told my parents that I needed a change in my life and couldn't live with them anymore

Although I have to say, it was sad making them leave the house

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parents changed sex

Since both my parents changed sex, I can't see them any more. They became transparents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to swear, smoke, and drink, but now I'm a changed man.

Fuck, I dropped my cigarette in my beer.

Why is climate change good for shy people at parties?

It’s a good ice breaker

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