How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.

I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They’re efficient and not very funny.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to assure the public that they’re doing everything they can to fix the issue while the other screws the bulb into a faucet.

How does Trump change a light bulb?

He holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the universe to revolve around him.

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Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Let's fuck grandma.

Let's fuck, grandma.

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How many hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Must be more than 3 because my basement is still dark.

Why did the asparagus change its name to asaragus?

Because its "p" smelled funny.

(Joke by my six-year-old daughter)

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

How many Florida men do you need before you can make change for a dollar?

You can't. Nobody in Florida has any cents.

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they're too busy wishing people a happy cake day...

My town’s population never changes.

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

How do you get a group of emo kids to change a light bulb?

You don't, you just let them sit and cry in the dark.

Scientists discovered that brains of male parents irreversibly change after their first child was born

They become brain-dad

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Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds.

Right on my big toe. Shits broken now I can hardly walk.

Did you hear the one about the chameleon who couldn't change colors?

He had a reptile dysfunction

Dude goes to change his name because it is too long...

After they understood that his name "The Arrow That Hits Any Animal At Perfect Degree" is understandably too long, they ask him what name he wants.

Dude says: "Pshiju"

You can't argue with dumb people, change my mind

You can't argue with dumb people, change my mind

I always thought people wore contacts because it doesn't change your appearance...

... but when I look in the mirror and put on my contacts I always get uglier.

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My parents changed sex

Since both my parents changed sex, I can't see them any more. They became transparents.

Only stupid people never change their minds

That's what I've always said.

I changed from a male to a female.

I've been trans formed.

I heard someone say that change does not come from a place of comfort

But I find pennies and nickels in my couch all the time so I don’t know what they mean

What do you call an argument that suddenly changes topics?

A debate and switch.

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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."

Gonna start a petition to change Reddit's name

How does Re-post-ddit sound?


...sounds bad? Gimme some slack, it's hard to create original content on here

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

Why did the golfer change his pants?

He got a hole in one.

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As a result of the ongoing pandemic, my sexual orientation has changed.

I am now homesexual.

I changed my iPhone name to titanic.

Its syncing now.

Are you afraid of change?

I was.

So now I always just pay on card.

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

It's a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

How many idiots does it take to change a lightbulb?

21

One to hold the lightbulb and the rest to turn the room around

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

3 lawyers .One climbs the ladder , the 2nd one to push it and the 3rd one to sue the lightbulb company.

Anyone who thinks one person can't change the world

Has never eaten an undercooked bat

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.

Mother Earth: Hold My Beer.

I have been studying Russian with my friends and i realized we change b's into v's in the accent

My friends ask me if i still want to study russian and i said "If being russian makes my b's into v's then soviet."
I was shot down by the FBI the next day.

A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Including my name, address and phone number.

How many Karen’s does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes forever because she just puts the bulb in the socket, and waits for the world to revolve around her.

“Can you please change my grade?”

“Of course,” Tom remarked.

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song

giving us time to change the song.

How does Trump not believe in climate change?

He can't stop melting down

For the first time in my life, I allowed someone else to change my tire.

Now I know what it's like to be a woman!

How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eight, if you want to screw it completely.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?



None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:

"Ben is in a hurry."

"Ben is in a coma."

I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant.

But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby

I want to change my hair like everybody during this quarantine.

I think I'll grow my bald spot out!

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According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a persons aura changes right before they die.

Cyan-aura.

How do boomers change a lightbulb

They dont, they just keep talking about how great the old one was

I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.

Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...

I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!

Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mas...

in the wake of the pandemic and failing ratings, AMC's The Walking Dead has changed it's format.

it will now be a reality show shot solely inside America's nursing homes.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis.


Edit: *Father


Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.

Years ago I won a tony for my work in the theatre, but year after year went by and my dull attempts to win another were in vain. Then, one day I wrote a play about how I changed my routine and began to lead an exciting life. For this I won another award.

You could say I’ve broken out of monotony

How many people with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

Man: can you cook? Woman: can you change the oil in my car?

Man: not on an empty stomach

I've changed my Facebook name to Nobody

Now when I Like something it will say "Nobody likes this".

What did the climate change journalist say to their boss when they couldn’t find anyone to interview in the rainforest?

“I’m sorry sir, but there are scant tree-sources out here.”

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

English man, Scottish man, Irish man, chatting about what par of their body would they change if they could.

English man: Simple I would change my dick, it's quite small.

Scottish man: Simple I would change my belly, it's quite fat.

Irish man: Simple I would change my bum, it's got a crack in it.

The night my daughter was born my wife told me to change the baby

I said "we just got her, don't you want to at least give her a chance to impress us first?"

I need to change the batteries in my watch,

but I just don't have the time

How many quantitative psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, p <= .05.

How many qualitative psychologists does it take?

_disguy. (2020). *Construction and Deconstruction Methods for Lightbulb Assembly* (Doctoral Dissertation). Reddit University,
San Francisco.

Thomas Alva Edison (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an A...

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)

(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

How the world has changed in 2020!

Feb 14: Will you be my Valentine ?
.
.
.
March 14: Will you be my Quarantine ? 🙂

Due to global climate change the world is set to experience a loss in olive oil

Now we can all understand the heartache Popeye felt after the tragic end of his wife.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

Do to covid-19 the format of this year's Easter egg hunt has changed.

Instead of trying to find eggs in a garden, everyone will be trying to find eggs in a grocery store.

How long does it take Batman to change a lightbulb?

Depends. How much prep time does he get?

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How many maintenance guys does it take to change a light bulb??

4. 1 to hold the bulb and 3 to rotate the building.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was...

What happens when a duck changes from liquid to solid state?

It Quackulates!!

The real reason not to do anything against climate change

Just think how dumb we'd look in front of our children, if twenty years from now we discover climate change was in fact not real. We'd have cleaned the ocean and the cities, preserved the rain forests and millions of species, innovated in multiple industries, made the air breathable again, created a...

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