How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How do boomers change a lightbulb?

They dont, they just keep talking about how great the old one was

How many dead hitchhikers does it take to change a light bulb?

Well certainly more than four because it’s still pitch dark in my cellar.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "...

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby.

For instance my name, address and telephone number!

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, its fake news that the light bulb is burned out.

And they like being in the dark.

How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel

R Kelly changed the rap game

He took the art out of Rap Artist

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

I was trying to change a lightbulb in the ceiling fan

My wife saw me struggling to reach it since it was pretty high up.

She said, "Let me get something for you to stand on. Do you prefer the ladder or the step stool?"

I said, "I'll take the latter."

So she brought me the step stool, just like I asked.

Chicago style pizza changes you

I use to like New York style pizza

Till I tasted Chicago style pizza

Now, I love New York style pizza

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Let's fuck grandma.

Let's fuck, grandma.

Capitalization really changes a sentence.

For example:

I love candy.

I love capitalization.

How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Forget about it. Nothing will ever change in the United States!

How many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb?

One but he has to be drunk so the room spins around while he holds the lightbulb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named John Asshole goes to the courthouse change his name

The judge asks him: "What's your name?"

John was a ashamed of saying it out loud so he wrote his name down and passed it to the judge

The judge holds his laugh and asks him "Well, obviously your name must be changed. What name do you prefer to be called from now on, sir?"

"Mark ...

Climate change is such a joke

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)

(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

My English teacher told me that using a colon in a sentence can really change its meaning.

For example,

Jane ate her friend's sandwich

Becomes

Jane ate her friend's colon.

I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious.

Laughing at my ex-pence.

how many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, they'll just sit there and talk about how it's gonna blind them and how there no proof that light bulbs provide light

My friend got caught stealing a car. I told him he should change careers.

He didn’t know how to take it.

When my wife got pregnant, everything changed.

My name, my address, and my phone number.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

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The change of position over time is velocity

The change of velocity over time is acceleration.
The change of acceleration over time is a jerk.
The change of a jerk over time is an election.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People can change

Even Hitler went from being an anti-semite to finally killing the person responsible for death of million jews.

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

My friend asked, “Aren’t you concerned Florida will be submerged from climate change?”

I replied, I thought that’s what we were all trying to do, then we’ll stop.

Climate change is getting on the news alot more nowadays.

You could say its a hot topic worldwide.

Words and phrases can change so much over time

‘Black market’ meant something entirely different 200 years ago.

A vegan, cyclist and climate change enthusiast walk into a bar.

Everyone else leaves

How many HK protesters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick Question: They can't change anything.

Jk dont take this seriously plz

How many reddit joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?

Not sure; still waiting for one to notice it's worn out.

[OC] How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they're never in office long enough to be able to do so.

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna ride our bicycles?

They say you should be the change you want to see in the world, so I gonna be two pennies.

It’s common cents

I recently made the switch from Colgate to Crest.

I gotta say, it's a real nice change of paste.

For a change, blonde MAN

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on "ALL OF YOU" because I wasn't even at home yesterday !

There once was a Roman named Vitus, he developed the first form of haircoloring. It was a sort of paste that changed his blonde hair to red. However, a side effect was incredibly bad breath.

This became known as the first confirmed case of Gingervitis.

My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

What motivates teens to protest climate change?

They're doing it for the Greta good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to the gym has changed my life. I dropped 20 pounds

On my foot. Shit’s broken and I can’t walk now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named John Hitler was tired of people bullying him for his name so he went to the federal court and changed it hoping the harassments would stop.

But Peter Hitler is still getting bullied to this day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nasa scientists became fed up of jokes on Uranus and decided to change it's name

It's now called Urrectum

Whenever I hear someone say that stories change slightly when re-told by different people

I wonder what exactly happened to Jesus Christ.

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

How many boy scouts does take to change a lightbulb?

One. But it takes a few days, because he only gives it a good turn daily.

How many flat Earthers does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

All of them. But they will still fail to get the lights on and they'll just blame NASA for faking working lightbulbs.

How many passive-agressive people does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, but 2 would have been helpful

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really hate it when homeless dudes rattle their cup of change in front of me...

...I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

How do you persuade Trump to believe climate change is happening?

You tell him Obama didn't care about it.

For a dollar, a change-maker will get you four quarters, or ten dimes, or twenty nickels...

That makes cents, right?

Today I crossed a street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

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