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Change Jokes

how many alziemers patients does it take to change a light bulb?

to get to the other side

A pastor was on his way home from an oil change. On the way, he decided to stop at a church member's house.

After ringing the doorbell the pastor was sure that he saw movement inside the house. He rung the doorbell again, and the pastor noticed someone moving quickly from one room to another. The pastor whipped out a "Several Steps to Becoming a Christian" pamphlet, and quickly scrawled on it 'Revelation ...

How many Fu** Boys does it take to change a light bulb?

It is a trick question, as they are still using gas lighting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Many Jews Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Who needs a light bulb when you have eight candles? Happy Chanukah, y'all.

How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

The punchline is trivial and has been left as an exercise for the reader.

when my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed

My name , my address, my phone number..

How many hereditary peers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change? How dare you, sir! That lightbulb has been in my family for seven generations!

Some philosopher said “Change does not come from a place of comfort.”, but he was wrong.

I’m always finding loose coins in my couch.

how many Irish mammies does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Don't mind me, I'll sit in the dark. You kids go have your fun.

How many paranoid people does it take to change a lightbulb?

who the hell keeps asking and who wants to know???

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!...

You ever hear the one about how many programmers it takes to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because they don't deal with hardware issues.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

A colon can change the meaning of a sentence completely

For example:
Jane ate her friend's sandwich.
Vs.
Jane ate her friend's colon.

It makes sense that Leonardo DiCaprio cares so much about climate change…

He just wants a world his future girlfriends can turn 18 in.

What's the scariest part about climate change?

The atmosfear.

How many podcasters does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But to fully understand why, we have to first travel back in time to the year 1880...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saturday Night Live is getting a name change!

Saturday Night Live is getting a name change. It's now called "Sunday Morning DVR."

My friend Susan identifies as a man and changed his name yesterday.

Susan be Anthony.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previou...

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between an oil change and a mechanic?

One is a filthy hassle, while the other is a filthy asshole.

Why did Jesus change St Peter’s name?

Because otherwise everyone would listen to what Simon says, and not what Jesus says.

Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life from out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes your life forever.

We call these people cops.

With the bribery and corruption scandal surrounding the World Cup, I want to remind everyone that money can't change someone's mind.

But I'm willing to try.

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

5, one to fill the paperwork, one to go on strike, and two to complain how it should’ve been changed last week

How many r/Jokes members does it take to change a lightbulb?

All of them. Even though It's already changed hundreds of times before.

How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eight, if you want to screw it completely.

What's the only animal unaffected by climate change?

Egyptian Crocodiles.


Because they live in the Nile.

After playing racquetball at the gym, two guys hit the shower and were getting changed...

and the first guy was putting on a bra. The second guy looked surprised and asked "How long have you been wearing a bra?" The first guy answers "Ever since my wife found it under the bed".

I wanted to change my name to “Frieza” but had no idea how much paperwork would be involved.

This isn’t even my final form.

How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.

found on an e-mail from2004 from my uncle who has sinced passed r.i.p. jack!(long,somewhat nsfw)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."

Why did the Ottoman Empire change into Turkey

Because Austria wasn’t Hungary anymore.

How does Karen change a light bulb?

She puts it in and waits for the world to revolve around her

How Many New Yorkers Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Three. One to change it, and two to talk about how much better the bulbs in New York are.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kanye just changed his name to Yitler, which pissed me off...

Like come on, man. Yedolf was right there!

Change

The men of C Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, I've got good news and bad news.

First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear. The troops start cheering wildly.

Now the bad news, continues the Sarge. Smith, you change with Jones. A...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a milli...

How many Just Stop Oil activists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn’t matter, they can’t change anything

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Hmmm... well, there's an interesting question, isn't it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived her...

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

What's the difference between a homeless person and an art major?

About $4.32 in change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I changed my gmail password to “my dick”

But google said it was too short.

How many 6-armed bandits does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just the one. Many hands make light work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just walked in on me bleaching my asshole and screamed “what the hell are you doing?!!”

I mean, she’s the one that told me I needed to change my ringtone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

How many customer service representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

Your upvote is very important to us, please be assured that we will make the punchline available to you as soon as possible.

My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet!

Why did Joe King change his last name to Hill

Under his original name, no one could take him seriously.



Think about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Vagina

The best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger. It's self lubricating. It takes any size piston and change's its own oil every four weeks. It just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental!!

The mind of a fool is immune to change, and who can think it strange? The reasons clear for all to know...

A fool has no mind to change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My pet chameleon can't change colours. I'm very worried about him. So I fed him a Viagra.

Because he has a reptile disfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy with an Orange Penis

Guy with an Orange Penis goes to the Drx and says "Doc, my penis turned orange"

The Doctor says " that's odd. Have you changed your behaviors recently, or diet, or is there an increase of stress in your life?"

Guy replies back " No, No, and no"

The Doctor says " Ok that's odd. N...

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

How many bass guitarists do you need to change a lightbulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him how to do it first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blond and a lawyer are flying to Cleveland

The man asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

Bored, he persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, unless they need help - in which case it's still one.

Time to change careers. This cat burglar thing isn't working out.

Too many friggin' scratches.

Why do blonde change her baby's diapers once in a week?

Because the package says "up to 10 kilos".

How many twitter people does it take to change a light bulb

Twelve million and one. One to change the lightbulb and twelve million to complain about how that one person ruined light bulbs forever

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because people are getting taller

Manufacturers claim it's due to climb it change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week!

Just invest in the British stock market

An army general needs some change

An Army general is standing before a vending machine on base, finding himself short on cash for a cold drink. He sees a nearby soldier and asks him, "Do you have any spare change?" The soldier replies, "Sure thing, man, I got a couple of quarters," and digs into his pocket.

The general narrow...

What's the difference between a dollar bill and a politician?

One will give you change.

How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness

How many right wingers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I have no idea because every time I ask they all argue about unnecessary change

I changed all my passwords.

I've changed all my passwords to "incorrect"

So whenever I forget my password and try something else, the software reminds me that -

"Your password is incorrect"

Counterfeiters

Two counterfeiters were working on making some fake bills starting with $100’s. One of the plates slipped without them noticing, and printed out a whole run of $18 bills.

Instead of wasting them, they decided to head south to see if they could pass them off, thinking that locals wouldn’t kno...

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks...

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