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‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o smok‌‌e wee‌‌d an‌‌d g‌‌o t‌‌o class...

Snea‌‌k i‌‌n te‌‌n minute‌‌s lat‌‌e wit‌‌h ‌‌a bullshi‌‌t excuse‌‌. Slin‌‌k dow‌‌n lo‌‌w a‌‌t m‌‌y desk‌‌. Pra‌‌y t‌‌o Go‌‌d nobod‌‌y aske‌‌d m‌‌e an‌‌y questions.

‌‌I wa‌‌s th‌‌e bes‌‌t teache‌‌r ever.

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When I was but a wee boy, I found it funny, so I joined the "I have yet to fuck a goat!" group.

Now I am older, and no longer find it funny, but I dare not leave it.

Me: Boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough

Boss: I'll give you a week off then

Me: Two wee coughs??? I can't afford to miss that much work!

English kid: Miss, I need a wee!

His Scottish teacher: A wee what, lad?

I told my doctor i had a wee cough

He said: that's nice, have you anything planned?

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"

"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do funeral mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. The...

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An elderly couple are having breakfast together one morning. The wife, fanning herself, looks longingly across the table at her husband and says, “Shew-WEE! Eugene, I’m still just as hot for you right now as I was the day we married.”

Eugene rolls his eyes and says, “Ethel! One of yer tits is in yer coffee, and the othern’s in yer oatmeal!”

TIL: Men have three knees

right knee, left knee, and wee knee

What sort of biscuits fly?

Wee plain ones.

Want to join the wee-wee club?

Urine!

I identify as an ambulance

My pronouns are wee/woo

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If cajuns yell "ooh wee, makes me want to slap my mother in law" when they eat something good, what do the Japanese say?

Ooh-mommy.

A Pig Walks Into A Bar,

And orders 13 beers, 5 shots and 2 large waters over 3 hrs. He then orders 7 more beers and 3 shots over another 2 hrs.

The Bartender asks him "Mr. Pig, you've drank so much! Don't you have to go to the bathroom?" The pig replies, "yes but I'm the little pig that goes wee wee all the way hom...

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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman are all eating soup at a restaurant

The Irishman notices a fly in his soup. He scoops out the fly, shrugs, and goes on eating without giving it a second thought.

The Englishman notices a fly in his soup. He turns up his nose disgustedly, and signals for the waiter to come take the soup away.

The Scotsman notices a fly in...

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William Stranahan heads to the village for a pint or two...

The old Scotsman is greeted at the pub by his aged mates for their weekly bender. And, aye, they are shameless. They leer at the young lassies. They gripe about the fleeting virility of the young men. They curse the government. They reminisce about the days of yore. But mostly, they drink well throu...

Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the bar...

Two women are on their way home smashed after a hen night

Stumbling around, as they wander home they become desperate for a wee. They pass a graveyard, and deciding its the only place they can be sure nobody will see them, they go in.

They go for a whizz, and woman one used her panties to clean up before discarding them behind a bush. Woman 2, worri...

Fear of Covid-19 is a wonderous thing for workers.

A wee cough gives a week off.

Guy walks up to a bar and orders a Pee Wee Hurman

Bartender says, never heard of it whats in it?

Jack and squirt.

I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle.

It was so loud I nearly fell in.

BANG BANG BANG

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years and then one ...

If it stings when you wee

Urine trouble

A man and his son are out for a drive...

After a few miles the son tells his dad "I need to go wee." The father looks around but there are no places open to stop. He tells his son he will need to hold it. A few minutes later the son, now more frantic, says again "I need to go wee!" Looking around there is a gas station a few blocks up....

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Patrick O'Reilly...

Patrick O’Reilly is at the pub one night when he climbs to feet: “I got one fer ya!” he says, “I got one!” The crowd quiets. “Here’s to spendin’ the rest o’ me life, lyin’ between the legs ‘o me wife!” It’s an easy audience, everyone’s half cut, and wouldn’t you know? He wins the prize for best toas...

"I just urinated on a pregnancy test," said my girlfriend. "I'm pregnant."

"Are you going to keep it?" I asked.

She said, "No, it stinks like wee."

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Why did the little pig go wee wee wee all the way home?

Because the wolf told him to piss off!

Wee Joe fae Glasgow...

After a disasterous earthquake in New York, a wee man from Glasgow headed off across the Atlantic to aid his American friends in the clean up operation.

After many days of making little progress, Joe heard that President Obama had arrived to thank everyone who was digging in.

That af...

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A manager of a small restaurant just discovered that someone in their town tested positive for COVID-19

The manager calls a meeting of his three employees--an Italian, a Scottsman, and a Japanese man.

The manager says to the Italian, "Sanitize everything in the kitchen!"

The manager then says to the Scottsman, "Make new to-go flyers! All our new dishes need to be on there!"

The ma...

This one just came from my 3 year old, she’s still learning jokes: What do you call a monkey on a swing?

A monkey going “wee-wee”

Normally her jokes don’t make *any* sense, but this one actually made us laugh

wee bit perfectionist

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daug...

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So a an America college kid goes to Dublin for spring break.

And he’s out at the pubs, just getting shitfaced.
He goes back to the bathroom to take a leak, and this little guy goes up to the stall next to him. Guys got red hair, a red beard, wearing a green suit with a vest, jacket, whole thing. College dude is staring, so he sees this little guy whip out...

My Irish mom always told jokes about wee Paddy. This one was always my fave.

There was an Englishman, a Scot and wee Paddy from Ireland all stranded on an island. They found a genie lamp and they rubbed it and a genie appeared and said they had three wishes. They quickly decided they would each get one. The Englishman wished to be back home with his family. *Poof* he was gon...

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An Irishman a Scotsman and an Englishman were in a bar

A fly lands in the Englishman’s drink and he orders another. A fly lands in the Irishmans drink and he takes it out and continues drinking. A fly lands in the Scotsman’s drink and he takes it out and goes, “go on spit it back out ya wee bugger.”

You really can't blame Pee Wee Herman for what he did...

I mean, it's not like he could just do it at home with all of his furniture watching him..

Field Trip

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children t...

True story! I supervise medical residents and was told one's name was pronounced 'az-wee-pay'.

Embroidered on her lab coat: ASSWIPE

This little old lady is quite the entrepreneur.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that...

Wee Jimmy joins the circus.

Wee Jimmy runs away from home. He finds a big-top and seeks out the ringmaster to ask to join the circus.

The ringmaster asks, "well what can you do. Everyone in the circus has a skill, what is yours? Can you juggle, do acrobatics, act like a clown, train wild animals what"

"Just l...

Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest?

Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.

I got a $900 fine and a month of community service for urinating in public...

If you ask me it was a harsh punishment for only a wee crime.

I'll see myself out.

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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Frenchman walk into a bar...

they all sit down at the and order a beer. Just before their first sips, a fly lands in each of their respective beers.

The Frenchman pushes his beer back with his nose in the air and exclaims, "barkeep! This beer is spoiled, bring me a fresh one".

The Englishman plucks the fly...

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Leprechuans in a Nunnery

Two leprechauns walk into a nunnery. The first leprechaun flags down a nun and asks her, "excuse me sister, Oi's just wond'rin. Would ya happen to have any nuns that're my size?" the nun replies, "noo my son, I'm afraid you're a very wee man. We have no nuns here that're your size." the leprechaun t...

Why did Pee-wee Herman cross the road?

He was choking the chicken.

what are pee wee herman's favorite baseball teams?

yanks and the expos

Not sure if this will work outside of Scotland...

Two cows in a field, which one is on holiday?


- the one with the wee calf

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I just finished having terrible sex with a french girl...

She kept yelling "Wee Wee Wee" and it was very off putting. She should have gone before we started

Two Scottish women are visiting Canada..

When they come across a skunk.
“Ahh look a’this wee thing, it’s well cute!”
“Aye a know but leave it be”
“No but I think I wantit like yoo know as a pet”
“Y’canny be serious lass?”
“I’m taking it home wimme!”
“What on the plane an all?”
“Aye”
“Ach, where y’gonna put it?”
...

What's Pee-wee Herman's favorite entree?

Stroganoff.

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are taking their wives to play golf.

The Englishman's wife walks up to the tee, bends over to put her ball on the tee, the wind blows her skirt up and she isn't wearing underwear. The Englishman says, "My heavens Elizabeth where are your underthings? She replies "Reginald, on the money you give me for the household, I can't afford un...

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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot all walk into a bar-

-and all order a pint. Barman pours them and serves them up, one-two-three. In that moment, three little black flies all land, one each, in their pints.

The Englishman calls the barman over. “Pardon me, but could you pour me another?” He asks, indicating the fly.

The Irishman plucks th...

What do you call a 60 year old that likes anime

A Wee-A-Boomer

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Grandpa, Can I Have a Tricycle?

A very young James went to his grandfather and asked for a tricycle.



Grandfather asked, "Jimmy, can your weewee reach all the way to your butthole?"



"Well, no Grandpa, it can't", Jimmy replied sheepishly.



Grandpa said to come back and talk when it could.<...

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A scottsman walks into a pub, looking down in the dumps.

The bartender looks up to see the miserable chap and asks him about his woes.

"Wanna know what's fucked up?" The man says with a sigh, "If you build three houses for the community, do people go 'oh, there goes McDonough: the homebuilder?' No, never. If you save five wee lads and lasses from a...

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A German, a Frenchman, and a Irishman walk into a pub.

The pub was known for being a wee bit of a dive. Dirty, poor service, but the three men were poor and the drinks were always cheap. They welcomed themselves into the pub and sat at the bar.

Notoriously, the service was poor. The barkeep chatted with other bar patrons for a good long while bef...

A Scottish guy phones in sick to work.

Boss ask's what is wrong Jimmy? Jimmy replies I have a wee cough.

Boss says you have a wee cough? Jimmy says thank you Boss I was only going to take one day.

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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

Ah Paddy

Nick, an Englishman, Jock a Scotsman and Wee Paddy had emigrated to Australia some years ago.


One day they were sitting outside at a pub on the Sydney harbour enjoying a drink in the sunshine.


Nick says, you know this is a lovely country, but I really mi...

A Pig Walks Into A Bar...

He takes a seat and orders a beer.

After he drinks it, he asks the bartender where the restroom is. "Down the hall to the right," the bartender replies.

The pig uses the restroom and leaves.



A few minutes later another pig comes into the bar and orders two beers.

...

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The BBC does a special on the oldest man in Scotland

They arrived for the special and decided to start it off with an interview where they asked him: “What was the best day of your life, Mr MacDonald?”
“I was just a wee lad and it was the day village fair, when me ma realised that our sheep had gone missing on the mountains. The whole village sear...

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A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...

when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.

The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'

the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.

The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT OUT...

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Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

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My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

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A cop marries a girl he's never had sex with.

Figuring she is naive, on the wedding night he drops his pants and says, "Do you know what this is, honey?" His wife giggles and blushes and says, "Oh it's your little wee-wee." The cop says, "This, dear, is a cock." The wife sys, "Hey, I've dated firemen and EMTs, and believe me, that's a little we...

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A class of children return to school after Christmas.

The teacher asks each child in turn to tell her what gifts they received. Little Paul replies "I got a choo-choo" "Now Paul," replies the teacher, " you're in the big school now, we call it a train not a choo-choo"

She turns to Tommy. "what did you get?" "A nee-naw", replies Tommy. "Now Tommy...

Two Irish men are walking to Dublin

We’ll call them Sean and Murphy. And they’re two Irish farm hands going to Dublin on their day off.

Sean falls and twists his ankle and says “Aye, Murph. I can’t go much farther. I’ll just nip into this bar off the road and you can get me on yer way back.”

Murphy says, “alright, Sean...

Earth meets Water, and sees that he’s feeling a bit low, so he asks, “hey Water, why is your head in the sewer?” to which Water responds,

“I dunno, I guess I’m a wee bit drained”

An American visits an Irish bar.

Having heard about the drinking habits of the Irish he challenges the Irish:
"I'll give 100$ if any of you can drink 10 pints back-to-back!!"

No one takes the bet, but a man leaves immediately.
After 30 minutes the man returns, approaches the American and asks if the bet is still up. Th...

When I was a boy, I fell and skinned my knee

I called out for help. My grandfather came to my rescue. He helped me up and, brushing off the gravel from my hands and knees, he asked me which one of my three knees I had skinned.

Confused, I asked, "*Three* knees?"

He replied, "Which one of the three did you hurt?Your left knee, you...

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3 Nuns [Long]

Three nuns were kicking around the convent one day, doing nun things such as praising the lord and disapproving of pop music when one nun said

"RIGHT. I'm sick of being a nun, I want to quit" the other two nuns agreed, being a nun is rubbish, and skipped off singing to Mother Superiors offic...

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. Aft...

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

A young Scottish lad and lassie

were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out at the Loch.

They sat in silence for several minutes before the girl looked at the boy.

“A penny for your thoughts, Angus,” she said.

“Well, I was thinking. Perhaps it’s about time for a wee kiss,” he replied.
...

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"See that wall?" said the bitter Scotsman at the pub...

I built that wall, all the way from here to Glenmore, but do they call me "Angus the wall-builder? Nooo!"

"And see the church spire? Built that too. Do they call me "Angus the steeple-builder"? Noo!"

"And that terrible night when the orphanage burned down,I saved all the wee bairns fro...

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Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

A pig walks into a bar, orders twenty beers, and starts chugging them all one by one.

“That’s impressive,” says the bartender. “Want to know where the bathroom is?”



The pig replies, “No thanks, pal. I’m just going to go wee wee wee all the way home.”

An irish dwarf and a doctor walk into a bar

An irish dwarf and a doctor walk into a bar, its about 5 in the afternoon but they start putting down drinks like no other. The dwarf not wanting to risk it and drive home decides to call his wife for a ride. He tells her "i was just with a doctor, and I'm a wee bit smashed" and she tells him "Reall...

Have you heard the Irish joke about R. Kelly?

It won’t take much time; it’s only a wee joke.

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A man is on a walk with his dog at the park

Suddenly, his dog runs towards a glowing object on the floor. Before the man can stop him, the dog has swallowed the object. A flash of blinding white light temporarily blinds the man, and when he looks back he is amazed to see his dog say "Hello!" to him.

"You can talk?" the man asks.
...

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How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are ...

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In a pub....

A Scotsman went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside \[ootside\] and went in to have a pint o' bitter.

A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walks in and the following conversation ensued:

New man: Is that your dog ootside?

First ...

St. Paddy's day.

Paddy's wife had watched a cooking show on the telly and was dying to try out the recipe, so she sent him out to Sean's market to buy escargot and told him not to stop by the pub on the way home.

Well, Paddy being Paddy, he decided to pop in for a pint anyways. A quick pint became several. H...

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A woman heavily pregnant with twins gets shot twice in the stomach...

The woman survives and so do the babies, she eventually gives birth to a boy and a girl.

many years later the girl came running up to her mum "Mummy mummy, I was having a wee and a bullet came out" the mum told her not to worry and explained what happened.
She then sees her son with his he...

I'm getting sick of spending time with my Scottish family and their Scottish cows...

Wee kin, wee cow

A trip with the dad

So me and my dad were driving home the other day, it was about 12pm so it was quite dark. We were driving through the woods when we went over a bump, and when we did I heard a crunch. I told my dad to stop the car so we can see what happened. I got out and saw that there was a dead rabbit next to t...

Donald Trump is visiting Scotland...

...and he is looking around a hospital. When he goes into one ward, a patient sits up and exclaims "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

Not knowing quite what to make of this, the Pres goes on to the next bed where the patient cries out "Fair fa' you...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar.

A fly lands in the Englishman’s pint. The Englishman is incensed, and pushes his beer away and orders another.

A fly lands in the Scotsman’s pint. The Scotsman looks at the fly shrugs, and just drinks the fly down.

A fly lands in the Irishman’s pint. The Irishman is furious. He picks...

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