Pee Jokes - 48 Hilarious Pee Jokes

Do you know why women fart after they pee?

They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her !"
...

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"

Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee?

Because they're dead

A pee fetish isn't something you do half-hearted.

Either urine or you're out.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

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There are two types of people in this world: those that pee in the shower

And liars.

How does The Rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

Happiness is like peeing in your pants

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth

I got kicked out of the pool for peeing in it. I said "what's the big deal? everybody pees in the pool"

They said "maybe, but not from the diving board"

Wife: Do men wipe after they pee?

Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..

I got caught peeing in the pool by the lifeguard.

I was so frightened, I almost fell in.

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At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants

At age 12, success is... having friends

At age 17, success is... having a driver's licence

At age 25, success is... having

At age 35, success is... having money

At age 45, success is... having money

At age 55, success is... having

At age 65, success ...

Someone pees "Brezhnev is stupid" into the snow

Someone pees "Brezhnev is stupid" into the snow on the Red Square.
The KGB immediately starts an investigation, the results are in the next day:
\- Comrade Brezhnev, be strong. Our doctors confirmed the urine belongs to comrade Gromiko.
Brezhnev defeatedly leans back in his chair. ...

Everyone pees in the pool...

But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.

What do you call a Tortoise that has to pee ?

A Porpoise

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

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Is it possible to pee with a ?

Yes, it's just harder.

[]What do John Wilkes Booth and Pee-Wee Herman have in common?

They both shot someone in the back of the head in a theater.

In all seriousness, godspeed, you lovable oddball.

"Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool."

"But everyone pees in the pool!"

"Yes, but not from the diving board."

Hey, do you remember that 90's boy band which advocated for a way to save water while peeing?

It was called "in sink" or something like that.

When in comes to peeing, on a scale of one to ten...

You're an eight!

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My wife asked if I ever pee in the shower..

I admitted "Yes, sometimes I do"

"Thats disgusting!" she snapped.

"I can't help it!" I replied, "it just comes out when I'm having a "

You pee in the shower - nobody bats their eye.

But if you shower in the pee, everyone loses their mind.

I asked my grandpa why it takes him so long to pee. He said

The stream is buffering.

My girlfriend hates when I pee in the shower...

But if it's such a big deal, why doesn't she just get out?

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brain...2am. Had to pee. Get up, pee, lay back down.....

Brain: Are we awake?
Me: No.
Brain: You sure?
Me: Yes.
Brain: Yes we are awake?
Me: No no no no no. Must go back to sleep!
Brain: I'm feeling kinda awake right now.
Me: you.
Brain: No no. you, I'm calling the colon.

My doctor told me I can no longer stand when I pee and need to sit down.

He said I’m not allowed to lift anything heavy.

What did the kid say when he saw the invisible man pee?

Urine visible!

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I was peeing at a truck stop...

And was standing between 2 other guys. Their peeing sounded a bit odd, so I looked to my left.

The guy on my left had 2 streams of pee. “What happened?”, I asked.

“A piece of grenade shrapnel in my head in Iraq”, the guy replied, “and now I have 2 pee holes.”

As I heard eve...

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

Why cant you hear a dinosaur pee?

Because theyre extinct.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk fo...

I don't get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.

There is a vas deferens between the two.

A German man is peeing in the bushes when an American sees him.

The American says: “Eww, gross!”

The German man replies: “Danke.”

A robber that really had to pee walked into a grocery store

A robber that really had to pee walked into a grocery store to steal some wares.

The cashier says “please, take anything!”

The robber said “I’m just gonna take a leek”

Exasperated, she asked her spouse "Please stop peeing in the shower, it's gross."

He frowned, retorting defensively "Oh come on, hun! It's not that big a deal. A bunch of people pee in the shower. It just washes down the drain..."

She sighed before offering a compromise. "Fine, but can you at least not do it while I'm the one taking a shower?"

What do you call an actuary taking a pee?

A math whiz.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

What kind of pirate pees on you?

Rrrrrrrr Kelly

The Polite Way to go for a Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher Miss Pinto trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: 'Just a minut...

Friends are like snowflakes

They disappear when you pee on them

I got told to leave the public baths once for peeing in the water.

I was so shocked I nearly fell in the pool.

The dehydrated pirate had no pee

So he was irate

What do you say to someone having difficulty peeing?

Urine trouble

A man REALLY has to pee

He walks into the restroom of a venue and stands in front of a urinal.Suddenly he hears a weird sound and looks to his side. There hee sees another guy peeing but with two streams!

Intrigued. He asks how that's possible, two streams! The other guy looks up and explains he’s a veteran and by b...

What are Pee Wee Herman's favorite Baseball Teams?

The Expos and The Yankees

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