UPJOKE
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Bring In Jokes

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The doctor gave an old patient a canister and said to bring in a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the patient returned, but the canister was empty.

He said, "I tried with my right hand, but it didn't work."

"I tried with my left hand, but it didn't work."

"I called in my wife and she tried with her right hand, but it still didn't work. Then she tried with her le...

[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better'

Pence: 'The fewer'

Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'

So Trader Joe's has a new policy wear you cant bring in bags anymore...

I was walking into Trader Joe's with my reusable bags as an elderly couple was walking out.
Elder Man: You cant go in with those bags
Me: What?
EM: You cant go in with those old bags
Me: What are you talking about?
EM: Its the new policy you cant bring in old bags anymore
Me: That...

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

A woman brings her baby to the pediatrician who says "wow...your baby is beautiful". She tells him thanks and that he must say that to all moms who bring in their babies. He says to her "oh no I don't"..........

......she asks, what do you do if the baby is ugly? He says "I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and I say your baby looks just like you."

Why do women bring in a bunch of pillows when giving birth?

More cushion for the pushin'

Who do they bring in if the stand up comedian dies during the show?

A stand in comedian

Which do you want me to bring in first?

Yesterday my parents are preparing dinner and my mom wanted me to get the chicken. When she opens the fridge and notices the egg carton is empty, she ask me to get the eggs as well. So then I asked her...

"Which one do you want me to bring in first, the chicken or the egg?"

What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

Squirrels; they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

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A DOTA2 Joke Made My BF Help Bring In Groceries

My boyfriend (a League guy) and I (a DOTA gal) were grocery shopping the other day. His brother was driving and Boyfriend was in the front seat. Since we forgot the trunk key (it's a Chevy Celebrity, you need a key) I was forced to spoon with the groceries in the back seat. When we got home, I strug...

Have you heard the story of the two skunks named In and Out?

They lived in the forest with their mother skunk. And whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.

One day, when In was out and Out was in, mother skunk said to Out, "Out, I need you to go out and bring In in."

So Out went out and immediately brought In in. <...

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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”


The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”


The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all rig...

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Jew are sentenced to death....

The judge tells the three of them, "you get to choose your method of death."

The Englishman says, "I'd like the firing squad." So, they bring in a firing squad.

The Frenchman says, "I'd like the guillotine." So, they bring in a guillotine.

The Jew says, "I'd like to die of old a...

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A man dies



his friends didn't know how to inform his wife, so the best friend went there and told the wife

\-There's something you need to know, your husband was fired from his job three months ago

\-what? then what is he doing outside all day long since then ? and how did ...

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

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NSFW joke I heard from an officer while in the army (translated from Greek)

Three friends are sitting in a bar.

One of them starts bragging, "Guys, my stamina in bed is fucking amazing. I can fuck 3 women in one go". The other two respond "Yeah right mate.. how about you prove it?". So they bring in 3 women and stand them naked up against the wall.

He starts...

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Few scientists were wondering on how well humans cope with hopeless stress

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge....

A man, his sheep and his Vet girlfriend…

Farmer Sam is tending to his flock and notices one of his sheep is bumping into things in a clumsy manner.

He inspects the sheep and can’t find any reasonable explanation for the sudden lack of coordination.

Fortunately, Farmer Sam has recently started dating Veronica, who happens to...

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

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Impotence - An original joke

A joke I (nearly) got suspended for, for making up at work:

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An 18 year old named Timmy is worried that he might be impotent so he goes to see the doctor.


Timmy says to the Doctor: "Doctor, doctor I'm afraid I might be impotent, I watch porn but nothing happens."...

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Just had a dream that reads like a joke.

A guy had an accident that severely hurt his penis, and was recovering at the doctor's office.

Doctor: "Your situation is very serious. I'll have to bring in a specialist."

Patient: "What, a surgeon?"

D: "No, a flute player."

P: "A flute player?! Why?"

D: "They'll ...

The village of idiots.

There is a village of idiots. Every month the village gathers in the town square, where 3 people from the neighboring town each bring in an object so,the town's folk can guess what it is. It's great fun for the whole town women, men, young and old alike join the festivities. The first person walks t...

Doctor Doctor

A newly graduated doctor opened a clinic with a novel idea to bring in patients. If he were able to solve the patient’s problem he would charge them $500. However, if he couldn’t treat the patient, he would give them $1,000.


The new doctor was soon making more money than the old doctor’s ...

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polack...

An Irishman, an Italian and a Polack are on death row, awaiting electrocution.
The warden takes the first man, and asks him if he has any last words. He says, 'I'm innocent. Perhaps years from now, evidence will show I"m telling the truth'.
The warden says, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what t...

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

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