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Gain Jokes

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

Why do guys gain weight after marriage?

Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

How does a farmer gain the attention of a woman?

A tractor.

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What did Hitler do to gain power in Germany?

He Brat out the Wurst in people.

What do you call a "Gulf and Western" singer who's gained way too much weight?

Jimmy Hit the Buffett



What do you call a band that agrees with anything?



Yes.



What do you call a band that you don't know any of the members?



The Who?



What do you call a band that likes to play childish games?



...

When do you know when your girlfriend has gained weight?

When she fits into your wife’s clothes.

When my father got remarried to that Mongolian woman, I gained a new sibling

A steppe brother

Apparently smoking weed makes you gain weight

That explains my Pot belly

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Therapist tells his patient to write individual letters to everyone who wronged him and then burn them to gain some peace

Patient comes back the next week and says he's done what the therapist recommended. Then asks what he should do with the letters

Elton John's gained a notable amount of weight lately.

Goodbye, normal jeans.

A man is frustrated with his wife gaining a little weight

He tells her, “Maybe you should wash your clothes in slim fast since you won’t try anything else.”

The wife goes to bed angry. The next morning when the husband puts on his underwear, it’s full of powder. He asks his wife why she put baby powder in his underwear.

She replies, “It’s n...

I heard that if you drink beer and smoke weed that you'll gain an extra 50 IQ points...

They call this phenomenon "Budweiser"

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With age, you gain wisdom.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. She even kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the check out and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look...

I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain.

Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.

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Pornhub was just banned in Arkansas, but there's a catch. Before you can gain access, you have to watch at least one video of dwarf MILF content.

That's the bare mini mum.

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

Women gain a superpower when they hit 30

Invisibility

What do you call a Redditor that doesn’t gain or lose internet points?

Karmatose

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Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

I hear a lot of dads gained weight during lockdown

Dads are always good at putting on spare tires!

How did the lumberjack gain access into the tree?

He hacked his way through.

The wife's weight gain, through overeating and laziness, had become the final straw in an already strained relationship and I decided I would just have to kill her.

I hid in the kitchen, knowing it wouldn't be long before she turned up looking to raid the fridge. And sure enough, she soon came waddling in.

I leapt out from behind a cupboard, arm raised, brandishing a huge knife..


"OH MY GOD!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. "Are we havi...

A woman goes to the doctor after a sudden weight gain...

The doctor looks over her test results, then looks at the woman and says "well, it looks like you're pregnant."

"Wow, I'm pregnant?" The woman asked.

"No, it just looks like you are" The doctor replied.

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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

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As an airplane is taking off and is gaining altitude, the pilot comes on the intercom:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Thank you for choosing American Airlines. We are on our way to Miami and will reach cruisi..... FUCKING SHIT!! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

For a moment, there as an eerie silence in the cabin. Then the pilot comes back on: "I ...

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Bruce is serving a life term in prison. After a decade or so, he gains a cellmate: Will.

After taking some time to size Will up and decide that he can trust him, Bruce tells Will about his plan to escape.


"You see," Bruce says, "for the past nine years, I've been training my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its...

What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?

This is the whey.

A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

"Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems," says one of the leaders

The politician pounds his table, "Ok tell me what they are,...

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How do architects, engineers and male pornstars gain fame?

Through their erections

Found out my wife gained weight...

When she sat on my face I couldn't hear the stereo anymore...

Those who are afraid of gaining weight, should drink a shot of whiskey before every meal…

alcohol reduces fear.

My girlfriend gained 50 pounds and can now predict the weather.

She fancies herself a meatierologist.

Christian Bale gained 40lbs for a role.

Big deal, I gained over 50lbs from multiple rolls.

So I was asked by my friends about how to gain karma fast in reddit.

So I smiled and did this once in a year post.

An old millionaire is asked how he gained his wealth...

He says: "When I was a young man in the middle of the Great Depression, all I had was five cents. With that five cents, I bought an apple, shined and scrubbed it all day, and at the end of the day, I sold it for ten cents. With the ten cents, I bought two apples, scrubbed and shined them all day, an...

What profession will gain the most business after Covid19 lockdown?

Divorce Lawyers

Last year, people told me to post anything here on my cake day to gain karma

But I didn't get many karma. The cake was a lie.

"Come forth and gain eternal life" said God

Dave came fifth and won a toaster

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

Only amateurs gain weight during the holidays

Us, professionals gain weight during the entire year.

Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

Someone asked me what I gained by going on Reddit everyday.

I replied, "Weight."

Did you hear the Flat Earth Society is really gaining ground?

They say they have members all around the globe now.

When do Asians gain the most weight?

When their dog dies

In his quest to gain more power, the mad scientist extended his hours at the lab.

This is after he discovered that power is work overtime.

I don’t understand why I’m still gaining weight...

...I’ve added a salad to every meal

Covid lockdown has me gaining weight so I started a new diet

Its called Two weeks to flatten Your curves

What is the easiest way for a Rockstar to gain karma?

Repost Malone

What food makes women gain weight fastest?

Wedding cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

I recently took a trip to learn more about Greek culture and to gain a greater appreciation of their amazing works of art and architecture.

The British museum is a really cool place.

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I recently gained the power to make others crap themselves.

Ever since then, everybody has been losing their shit.

The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.


They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.


They will get to meat of it all.

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

baby gained twenty pounds in a week

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

Doesn’t it happen to you that you gain 20 kg for an acting role...

...and then you remember you are not an actor?

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A woman makes a deal with the Devil to gain wealth and power, but doesn't want to go to Hell.

The Devil makes a little rule for the woman. She happily agrees and thus, the contract is sealed.

She goes onto be the best stockbroker in her city, giving her a near bottomless checkbook and connections to lawmakers, celebrities, anyone with even a scrap of power in the city.


Almo...

The cactus outside my home won't stop judging my sudden weight gain

He's honestly such a prick about it.

Dr. Frankenstein finally became popular enough in his own right to gain unlimited access to cemeteries and morgues for his creations.

I guess to the Victor goes the spoils.

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...

I gained about 400 pounds in one night

And all I had to do was rob some British guy

When u get to college u get the freshman15 - what do u call the weight u gain during quarantine?

The Covid-19

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A wife gains some weight...

and this has affected the sexual desire of her husband which made him avoid sleeping with her as much as possible.

One day the wife decides that she wants things back to normal and insists her husband have sex with her. After 2 hours the husband has no other choice and agrees to have sex. Th...

My miniature Siberian dog is gaining weight too fast.

He’s a little Husky.

If body builders religiously try to gain weight..

Does that mean they go to the gym for mass?

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

I think my girlfriend is starting to gain weight.

She's starting to fit into my wife's clothes.

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

You gain appreciation for a lot of things in your old age...

Simple things that maybe you didn't realize you treasured before - that bring you comfort in their familiarity.

You come to cherish those little things. For me that thing is single ply toilet paper. When I use it, I feel whole again.

My girlfriend has been gaining weight so I sat her down in the living room to talk to her.

I said "We need to talk about the elephant in the room"

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

I’m afraid my son will start to gain too much weight when he starts school.

I hear it’s normal for pupils to dilate.

I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

Just like the "Freshman15", there are reports that this worldwide pandemic is causing some people to gain weight also.

It's called the "Covid-19".

Doctor: ""If you gain 5 more pounds, medically, you'll be morbidly obese."

"Do you understand what this means?"

Woman: "Yes, I'm not morbidly obese now."

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All of the passengers on a plane are seated and ready for takeoff.

The pilot and copilot are late, the passengers and crew are getting frustrated. A couple of minutes go by and suddenly the copilot boards and is wearing dark glasses while waving around a mobility cane. He clumsily makes his way to the copilots seat. The passengers feel uneasy. A couple more minutes...

A man was trying to become rich by gaining weight

He was trying to make a four chin

Why did Jared decide to gain all of his weight back?

The mall is hiring new Santas.

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would ...

Apparently there's a voluntary organization trying to gain legal rights for apes.

I guess you could say their work is Pro-Bonobo.

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

One of Roald Dahl's characters gained weight and started writing rap music.

Notorious BFG.

Upon gaining sentience, a donut was quoted as saying:

"There are dozens of us!"

They used to call me fat, but then I gained another 66% with soft drinks.

Now they call me fanta.

I hate gaining ten pounds for a role

And then realising I'm not an actor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

Whenever my buddy gets high, he gains a strange ability to speak multiple languages.

He is Rosetta stoned.

It appears that Jared Fogle has gain 30lbs since going to jail

I guess that's what happens when you stop the child portions

We lost a planet but gained a zodiac sign.

I guess that's a good constellation prize.

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Niels Bohr: "So Let me get this straight. If I was having sex with my girlfriend and I thrust at the speed of light, would my penis gain infinite mass?"

Albert Einstein: "I suppose it would. One thing is for sure, you'd certainly create a black hole..."

Help me reddit. I've quit smoking and I'm gaining weight

Before, I only had to reach into my pockets to feel a little lighter.

(Infinity War Speculation) When Thanos gains the mind stone, he will turn into Palpatine.

Because The Avengers will pay for their lack of Vision.

Women gained the right to vote 100 years ago to the day...

yet they still can't cast a vote on what they want for dinner

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