UPJOKE
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Forming Traditions

new camp commander was 'appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why do they guard it. "We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!" He searched for last commander'...

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.

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A stripper tries a new form of roleplay and finds great success

The man nervously entered the room. Unlike the rooms around it, it looked plain and undecorated, with normal lighting. In it was a table and 2 chairs.

Cherry the Stripper entered. She was wearing a plain blouse, a normal length skirt, and glasses. She was also carrying a folder.

She sa...

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The truest form of self-deception

The truest form of self-deception: Faking an orgasm when masturbating.

I have invented microscopic robots that can form the face of Robin Williams.

I call them "nanu-nanubots."

I love my life. Everybody around me is so happy. I am happy with myself and proud of my accomplishments. I would never think to harm myself in any way shape or form. And my heart is filled with nothing but positivity to myself and everyone around me.

APRIL FOOLS!!!!

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A Bus Full Of Nuns....

......falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-...

I formed a new musical group called Katniss...

It's a tribute band.

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Did you know there is a generic form of Viagra? It’s called…

Mycoxafloppin

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?

Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”

The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”

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Yodelling isn't just a form of singing.

It's also a warning that old jedi will fuck you if you're dishonest.
Because Yoda lay he who lie.

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What form of martial arts would hitler never use?

Jew-Jutsu

The end of world was coming and all the heroes were assembling together to form an alliance and protect their world. They all saw Batman hadn't joined. So, Superman went to meet him...

Superman: Why aren't you joining our alliance and protecting our world? It's your responsibility as a hero.

Batman: With no powers, comes no responsiblity

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

Aside from King Crimson, did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968?

Yes

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

Did you know that chicken strips are a new form of currency in some areas?

They’re considered legal “tender”

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

Fellas, if your girl has some form of Polyethylene terephthalate in the shape of an equiangular quadrilateral with the hex code of ff0000

get out fast, that’s a red flag.


Credit to u/wcollins260

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

While waiting in line at the entrance to a museum, my 16-year old daughter ran up to my wife and me and said, “Mom, Dad! We need to get a line form!”

Confused, I said “A line form?” She said, “Yes, I think you have to turn it in right over there before you can go in.” She pointed to the entrance.

That’s when I looked and saw the sign that said “Line Forms Here”.

True story. Bonus facts: She’s now a brilliant NICU nurse so she r...

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So over the past few weeks I've been mastering the art of ejaculating in various shapes. I've done squares, triangles, hexagons, but could not for the life of me form an oval. I was starting to get frustrated, but its fine now...

I came a round.

One day my dad visit a doctor.

Then the doctor starts questioning my dad while filling out a form.

Doctor : "**Name?**"

Dad : "**Henry**"

Doctor : "**Age?**"

Dad : "**E, N, R, Y.**"

A priest and a nun…

A priest and a nun were out playing golf one day. They get to about hole 5 when the priest has a 10 ft putt for par. He lines up his putt but misses and yells out “Damnit! I missed!” The nun looks flabbergasted and says “Father, you know you shouldn’t be using foul language like that!” The priest sa...

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

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Though he passed away decades ago, I really think my grandpa would have supported LGBTQ+ marriage in all of its forms.

His motto was "Fuck everyone.".

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The Little Girl & The Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...


A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construct...

A university English professor tells his students

“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language can a double positive form a negative.”


But then a voice from the back of the room piped up,


“Yeah, right.”

I put on my resume that I can type 700 characters per minute

Which is true, but apparently they expected these characters to form words.

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A dejected young man boarded a bus and moped up the driver, paid his fair, and trudged to a seat.

The driver tried to cheer him up, "what's wrong mate? you having a bad day? cheer up lad, things'll brighten up" The younger bloke nodded and grimaced a smile, and began to tell the driver of his woe. "I'm 24 and I'm a virgin, I'm not attractive and it
never just seemed to work out with girls, s...

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.

She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right...

TIL there's one country that still doesn't use ANY form of electronic money transfer.

It's the Cheque Republic

[NsFw] What was Lorena Bobbitt's favorite form of mischief?

Ding dong ditch.

Did you hear about that music band formed from ex potato chip workers?

They called themselves “panic at Nabisco”

A man walks into a car dealership

A Russian man walks into a car dealership to buy a new car. The salesman says, "I am sorry sir, due to the war and sanctions, all cars are spoken for. I have a waiting list, but it is so long that it will take 10 years to get your new car."

The man says, "Well, I might as well get on the li...

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I'm glad the short form of cockroach is roach and not the other way around.

I dont think people want to hear 'There's a cock in my bedroom'

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A man gets hired for an office job.

A man gets hired for an office job. So the very next Monday he gets dressed, pours a cup of coffee, and drives to the office. He's greeted splendidly, everyone welcomes him with open arms, and as a whole the office seems magnificent.

Days go by. Then weeks. Eventually the monthly staff meetin...

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The maid told her mistress :"I think I deserve a raise"

Mistress : Give me reasons why you need a raise?"

Maid "I cook better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."

Mistress "Hmmm"

Maid "I clean the house better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."
...

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There's a bar on the 90th floor of the Empire State Building

A regular at the bar was chatting with some tourists...

Regular: you know, there's a secret about this building. If you jump out this window, there's an updraft at the 80th story that will bring you right back into this bar.

Tourist: Really?

Regular: Watch me

the regular ...

Not so fast…

The captain of a navy vessel is on the bridge one day when the bosun enters and asks to use the PA system. The captain agrees and the bosun gets on the PA and barks out “Attention seaman first class Johnson! Your mother is dead!! That is all!”

The Captain is mortified and grabs hold of the bo...

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A small business owner is filling out some forms for the government.

One of the questions asks: please list the employees you have, broken down by sex.

The man replied: None. Although a few do sometimes come in late.

In an attempt to create synergy, an airline and a beer company merged. It think it was a smart move for the newly formed Alaska Natural Ice.

However, I'm less optimistic about Corona Delta.

Release the vaccine in vape form.

I promise you no one will ask what’s in it at that point.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician

Have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible..

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
...

Hey have you heard of the sommeliers that formed a rock band?

They're called *Effervescence*. Their hit singles include *"My Last Breathalyzer Test"* and *"Bring Me More Wine"*. And who could forget *"Lacrymismosa"*?

I filled out a form wrong and accidentally gave a patient a bag of the wrong blood type.

It was a Type-O

Some crocodiles formed a band that does parody songs.

It's a pun croc band.

The government of Canada is forming a council to determine the merits of decriminalization of all drugs

It will be a High Council

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

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Few scientists were wondering on how well humans cope with hopeless stress

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

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What is the most popular form of martial arts in Israel?

Jew - Jitsu

I was thinking about how a persons conciousness forms and what happens to it when you die...

Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from consciousness Joe?

I decided to take up a new art form called long exposures

the best part is, you don't even need a camera.

Y'know how ants will sacrifice themselves to form a bridge?

I read that when ants approach an obstacle such as water/oil/etc they will sacrifice themselves and form a chain to create a bridge across said obstacle. The coolest part to me is that the males specifically line up to form the bridge and protect the females. Apparently this is because they are not ...

Three dudes go hunting.

The first morning, hunter #1 heads out into the woods. He’s gone for like an hour, and comes back dragging a handsome 10-point buck.

“How’d you find it?” ask the other two.

“Well, I followed the tracks and I followed the tracks and soon enough, BLAM, out of nowhere there’s this deer!...

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This is a translated joke form my country (Ethiopia)

Two mental patients were walking when they spotted an odd thing on their path and they started arguing about what it was. Patient one said "It looks like honey" but patient two argued "No this is definitely poo" so they argued for quite sometime until they figured out a solution, one of them would t...

There are two forms of English

The queen's English and spelling mistakes

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can i...

Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?

Cause *truants* don't go to school!

(I came up with this right now)

Einstein, Hawking, Heisenberg and Schrödinger formed a band.

It's called "The Inconvenient Truths."

They play music with that old Al Gore Rhythm.

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My dick is so big...

When I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way form A to Z!

I’ve always loved farming, and farmers are some of the most loving people.

There has always been an innate desire in me, and I believe in all humans, to begin farming at some level. From being outside to doing labor where your mind can wander into different places, I love it.

I have never considered myself a big animal person, but I’ve fallen in love with horses, s...

A stammering man walks up to a bible salesman.

"H-h-how is b-b-business g-going?" asks the man. "To be honest, not many people are into bibles these days," answers the salesman, "some people don't even answer their doors when they see me standing there." "T-t-that's a s-s-shame" says the man, "c-c-can I t-t-try f-for a d-d-day?" The biblesalesma...

Why did the Chinese couple take their newborn back to the hospital?

He was Caucasian, and they knew two Wongs don't make a white.



.

.

.

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT condone racism in any way, form or fashion. It's just wordplay, folks. Apologies to anyone too sensitive for my humor.

Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.

They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.

“Darling, I must away from this place” he turned round for dram...

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Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

What's the saddest form of transportation?

A moped.

My friend asked whats my favourite form of cardio

Jumping to conclusions

I just formed a grunge band and named it "1023 Megabytes"

... haven't gotten a gig yet though.

A man walks into the Election Office.....

and says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate."

The receptionist replied: "Certainly, sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?'' So...

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

What’s the highest form of flattery?

A plateau.

A rich Arab oil sheikh discovers he has a rare form of blood cancer

He scours the world looking for a match for his blood type, which is also rare. He discovers a Scottish man as a match and the Scottish man agrees to donate blood to him.

The sheikh rewards him with lavish gifts; fancy cars, a mansion and the finest luxury clothes.

Two years later, the...

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Jack and Jill go up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack falls down and breaks his crown and Jill comes tumbling after.

Jill feels physically fine but is not able to see clearly. She decides to go to the optometrist nearby to get her eyes checked. She tells the optometrist about her blurred vision and the optometrist makes her sit in a chair and asks her to read the letters on the eye chart hanging on the wall across...

A man with a clipboard walks up to a passer by on the high street.

“Excuse me sir, are you free to help with a survey I’m conducting?”

“Of course” says the man. “What’s it about?”

“My company is trying to survey what someone might like to hear as words of encouragement when they have indigestion. Please can you tell me what you would say to someone in...

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though,

We have one song and it's band.

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

My psychiatrist wrote on my evaluation form that I have ocd.

I had to correct it to OCD.

What do you call a new mitten manufacturing company formed by a U.S. senator?

Bernie's Handers.

TEACHER: Today you'll give an example of a pronoun each and form a sentence with it.

JOHN: HER

TEACHER: Ok, your sentence?

JOHN: Give her her book. It's hers.

TEACHER: That's good. Yes who's next?


DAVE: HIM

TEACHER: Your Sentence?

DAVE: Give him him book. It's hims.

Cowboy Insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.


"Ever have an accident?"


"Nope, nary a one."


"None? You've never had any accidents."


"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."


"Well, ...

What form of birth control works better with holes in it?

Crocs

The year is 1921. Eastern Poland, the new border with Russia is forming after WWI.

One of the officials coordinating this process stumbles upon an old house that is located just on the path of where the border would be set. Property, with an old shed and few acres of land, is habited by one old farmer.

"This is your lucky day, old man. You can choose whether you prefer to ...

What's the fastest form of communication?

Sign language....since it travels at the speed of light.

What do cats call their human form?

Their purr-sona.

After the dinosaurs died out, mammals became the dominant life form.

Unlike dinosaurs, which had scales and feathers, mammals are covered in fur.

I guess you could say things got a little bit hairy after the asteroud hit.

I formed the habit of not telling anyone about my plans until I succeed

now I fail without anybody even knowing.

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

Me and my friend are going to form a band called 'the duvets'

Mainly going to be a cover band

The CIA can identify any house in the world using just a picture of the front door

It’s an advanced form of gate analysis

If you are here for the yodelling lesson

Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

Apparently scarves are the most dangerous form of winter clothing.

The least dangerous are sweater vests. They’re completely armless

Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety

For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

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Hot blond is filling out a form. Where it says "sex" she put "Infrequently". The clerk asked her....

"Is that one word or two?"

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Being asexual is the ultamate form of not giving a fuck.

Because you dont give fucks.

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My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

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News Report: Child born with no eyelids.

A baby boy has been born without having his eyelid full formed. In a radical new surgery the doctors were able to form eyelids for the foreskin of the child. Doctors report the surgery successful, however the child may be cock-eyed.

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My dick is like my heart.

It pumps life in the form of a liquid.
And also, it is a bit to the left.

Why does Santa spend 364 days a year forming strong masculine relationships?

Bros before hos

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Son: Dad, why is destruction a form of creation?

Dad: Well son, you see, I destroyed your mom's pussy to create your ass.

In highschool, my girlfriend and I were asked to rearrange PNSEI to form a word

She said Spine and went on to become a doctor.
And the rest of us are reading this on reddit

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An organ grinder and his capuchin monkey are hired to perform at a local pub

The organ grinder is happily taking requests from the patrons, but his monkey is in rare form on this particular evening. The monkey is dancing around on tables, stealing food, lifting cigarettes, and getting into various other shenanigans. At one point, the monkey hops up on the bar and starts pick...

I have a very mild form of Coronavirus.

Heinekenvirus.

A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars.

However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect.

The answer is spine.

Being Kissed While You're Asleep is Purest Forms Of Love,

Not When You Live Alone.

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A young lady hands in an application form...but she gets rejected the first time.

A young lady hands in her application form. She wrote "Prostitute" where she had to state her occupation. The other lady at the counter quickly assesses it, and says that unfortunately, a prostitute is not eligible.

"Ok" says the frustrated young brunette, "how about I put down cock farmer?"<...

A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team

When they got down to the name of their team they went with "Dyslexia untied"

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