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Alter Jokes

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers.

Detective: dear god

Officer: most likely yes

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A groom meets up with his groomsmen at the alter with a huge smile on his face.

The best man looks at him and says, "wow, dude, you are really looking forward to this, huh?" The groom replies, "bro, I just got the best blow job I have ever had in my LIFE, and a I'm about to marry that girl!"
While waiting for the wedding procession to start, the bride had a wide grin on her ...

An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35.

His Friends Cautioned Him About The Health Hazard Involved, Saying That The Exertion Of Amour Could Prove To Be Fatal. "Vell, Dat's The Chance I'll Have To Take," Said Lars. "If She Dies...She Dies."

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A priest, a lawyer, and an alter boy are on a plane...

...and the plane is crashing. Suddenly the pilot comes out of the cockpit and says to the three of them, "Alright, we're going down and I only have three parachutes, I'm taking one, it's up to you guys to figure out who gets the other two."

The lawyer says: "I have my own successful firm with...

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

What do u call someone who has altered their nationality?

An alternative

Today my fiance screamed at me and told me she hates at the alter

Ruined a perfectly good sacrifice.

What did the telecommunications infrastructure company director say in response to requests to alter his company's 5G network blueprint from government officials in order to satisfy privacy concerns?

It's my way or the Huawei

Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence.

For example:

Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.

Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.

A groom is standing at the alter with his best man

Looking out at the crowd of people gathered for the wedding, the groom whispers to the best man "you know except for my wife-to-be, my two sisters, my aunt and my mom, I must have nailed every woman here!" The best man whispers back between us, we've done the whole room!"

An alter boy's confession.

'Bless me Father,  for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose  girl'..  
 
The priest asks,  'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'  
 
'Yes, Father, it  is.'  
 
'And who was the girl you were with?'  
 
'I can't tell you,  Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'  
...

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Two alter boys fishing at the pier

Two alter boys were fishing at the pier with little luck. All of a sudden the first alter boys pole jerks downward and he reels up a monster fish.

"Hey, look at this big sonofabitch I caught!" The second alter boy looks at him and says,

"You can't say that we're Catholic."

The ...

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

I just found out about these things called "mods" that can alter game files.

They're absolutely game changing.

Did you hear the one about the priest and the alter boy?

It’s actually quite a touching story

What do fish singers use to alter their voice in recordings?

Auto-tuna!

I'm an alter-boy sitting alone with a priest.

I didn't think of a punchline, but I'm sure it will come to me.

I just opened an express clothing alteration business.

It's called Tailor Swift.

I need help with a 17 year old joke about Jello and Communism

So my friend and I started this game 17 years ago where you have to come up with a jello (we altered the rules to allow *some* pastries) that fit a communist theme.

Everytime we come up with a new one we swear there are none left. I know he cheats, cos I cheat too. My sister came up with Ban...

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman “they must have the same landlord I do."

There was a fight at the alter yesterday

I guess you could say it was an altercation

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

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The best man was waiting at the alter when the groom finally arrived wearing a huge smile.

"What are you so happy about?" asked the best man.

"I just got the best blow job I have ever gotten in my life and I am about to marry that woman!" laughed the groom.

Soon, the marriage procession begins and the bride is beaming with glee as she walks down the aisle. As she hands her b...

Why is there no clear distinction concerning the morality of altering one's personality through brain surgery?

Because, it's a bit of a grey matter!

Heinz have altered one of their spicier sauces.

It's a remustard version.

The pope wakes up one Sunday morning…

As he goes into the bathroom, he can’t help but notice that he is sporting some rather impressive morning wood. Recognizing the fact that he can’t conduct services in his condition, he decides to “rough up the alter boy”.

After returning to his home after giving an excellent sermon, he find...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

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A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."

"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"

"Oh I can't say."

"Was it Mary Jane?"

"No Father."

"Adalina Mozarelli?"

"My lips are sealed."

"How about Cindy King"

"I can neve...

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A Jew walks into a Christian church.

Avram went into a Church, took out his Tallis, placed it over his yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. the clergyman entered to start services, "Will all non-Christians please leave." Avram continued praying. Finally the angered clergyman moved toward Avram, "Will all JEWS please leave." At this, Avram ...

A woman was nervous about messing up during her wedding ceremony

She spoke with the preacher who offered her assurance.
"Just remember 3 things and you will be fine" he said.
"Number 1, walk down the aisle. Number 2, stand in front of the alter. Number 3, step forward to me after the hymn."
The preacher then assured her that he would guide her through ...

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I was talking to my uncle about his high school years…

He said when he started high school he was the biggest trouble maker in the school. He cut classes, got in fights, smoked in the bathroom, etc etc. Said he spent half his freshmen year sitting outside the principal’s office.

Eventually he got expelled and his parents had no choice but to sen...

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A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. Th...

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I just lost my virginity.

The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.

It's like I have entered another body.

A newly married Alan goes to the meet Father George

He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'

The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'

Alan replies, 'No, Father! I need to clarify something.'

The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Alan. What is it?'

Alan asks, 'Father,...

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A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth...

Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before.

Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear wha...

What was the plastic surgeon priest’s favourite thing to do?

Alter boys

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"



(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with g...

US Battleship and Canadian Navy

I remembered an old joke I read awhile back. Some details may be off, but figured I had to share:

An American battleship ship is traveling at night around Canada when the radio comes on. It says "Canadian Navy to American Battleship, we have detected that you are on a collision course with us...

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The blowjob confession.

A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.

There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is rea...

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A Father Jim has to drop a deuce during confessional...

...he pops his head of the curtain and calls over one of the alter boys - Timmy. I need you to cover for me.

Timmy walks over. I don’t know what to do.

The priest points to a list on the wall. One side has the offense and the other has the consequence.

Just lower your voice a...

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy.

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

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A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

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So the police have a new slogan.

So the police in my area have a new slogan that they altered from the post office. Rain nor shine nor sleet or hail will keep your ass out of jail.

If Hillary Clinton were captain of the Titanic

Captain Hillary Clinton, RMS:

There's an iceberg, dead ahead. We need to alter course.

No, it's not my imagination. Right there, see? An iceberg.

This ship will strike that iceberg and sink if we don't change course.

No, I'm not being overly dramatic. It's an iceberg. It ...

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Sum bitch

Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big sum bitch!" The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter boy" to w...

Me: I am thinking of climbing Mt Everest again.

My alter ego: Really? How many times have you climbed Mt Everest so far?
Me: Not once yet, but it is the seventh time I have had this thought.

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A custodian fills in for a priest

A custodian is cleaning at the church where he works, suddenly a priest frantically approaches him

"son, i need you to do me a favor! I have a golf game I must go to but there's a woman who just came in for confession. I need you to go into the confession booth, listen to this woma...

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A janitor is cleaning the church.......

.....when suddenly the priest runs out of the confession booth.

He bumps into the janitor and tells him to cover for him because he had run to the bathroom.

Surprised, the janitor tells the priest that he doesn't know anything about confessions.

The priest hands him a sheet of p...

After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black...

...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief

What do you call a Waffle with a Split Personality?

Alter Eggo.

A man came to a tailor, and tried on a suit.

As he stood before the mirror, he noticed the vest was a little uneven at the bottom.

“Oh,” said the tailor, “don’t worry about that Just hold the shorter end down with your left hand and no one will ever notice.”

While the customer proceeded to do this, he noticed that the lapel of th...

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A caretaker had been working at a church for almost 30 years

One day while the priest was doing confessions, he got a phonecall telling him that his father was dying and he needed to come to his bedside as soon as possible. Not wanting to let down the people needing confessions, he asked the caretaker to fill in. "You've been here long enough to know the dri...

Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex...

Why does a catholic priest wear a holy dress?

To hide the alter boy underneath.

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Voodoo d***. (INAPPROPRIATE)

A man and a woman get married, and they have the best sex. Better than most people would think, and their sexual compatibility is a large part of their relationship. One day, the husband finds out that he needs to go on a business trip that will last a couple of months. He decides that in order to k...

A nun and a priest are in a heated argument

The priest insists that since he is higher up on the Catholic food chain, God must love him more than the nun. The nun disagrees and says that God loves everyone equally. The priest comes to the conclusion that he can only settle this discussion by having God arbitrate the debate for them. So he kne...

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Cold Ones -NSFW

A nun walks out after school to catch two alter boys with their dicks in the snow.

The nun asks, “what are you boys doing?!”

They reply, “The Priest said he wanted a few cold ones after work.”

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Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

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A blonde woman goes appliance shopping...

... and upon arrival at the department store, she decides to take advantage of a sale that she sees. She calls over an employee and points to the marked-down price.

"I'd like to buy this television," she says, batting her eyelashes.

"I'm truly very sorry, miss," the employee tells her,...

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A Rabbi goes to church to visit a friend who is a priest...(long)

He is waiting around for the priest, just hanging out by the pews, when a young woman comes into the church, and goes into the confessional.

The Rabbi thinks to himself that he dose not want to wait around longer for the the priest, and taking confessions can't be that difficult, so he slip...

Whats the best way to castrate a priest?

Kick the alter boy in the chin

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It's a Priests first day at a new church...

and after Mass he sits down in the confession booth. He's nervous because this is his first time in confessional after seminary school and he isn't sure if he'll remember what to do.

Someone walks in and sits down, and starts to confess. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it's been 2 weeks...

A quick math question

Alright, so here's quick math question for ya:

So there's two trains. The first train is traveling at *exactly* 90 miles per hour from Plotopia heading due west. There is a clown standing atop it. He is holding a grenade. (And yes, his billowing pants and rainbow-dyed afro-wig *are* affecting...

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Priest

A bunch of highschool students was about to get blessings from their local priest.

The priest asked the first girl "have you ever touched a penis?" The girl answered that she had indeed touched one with her index finger, the priest asked the girl to wash her finger in the holy water after whi...

Jospehine owns a clothes shop...

...most of her customers use the shop's mail-order service but one afternoon a mail-order customer turns up at her store very unhappy:
"This dress I ordered from you is a terrible fit! The cuffs need taking in an inch and a half, and the hem needs taking up an inch!"
Embarrassed, Josephine...

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A trainee priest is learning how to take confession

A trainee priest is learning how to take confession. The senior priest tells him "I'll be outside here if you need guidance on what punishments to give"

A little old lady comes in and says "Forgive me father, i took the lords name in vain" The junior priest sticks his head out of the confessi...

I'm looking for as many dirty nun jokes as possible and thought maybe you guys could help me out.

Thank you and I'm sorry if I'm not supposed to ask things like this here. For your help I'll give you a nun joke.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an alter boy!

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A jungle explorer is captured by natives

and is brought before the tribal chief.

"Trespassing in our jungle is punishable by death." says the the chief, "We can kill you right now quickly and painlessly, or you can try and survive a test of courage and win your freedom."

"What's the test of courage?" Asks the explorer.
...

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Sex makes my day

But anal makes me wish that I wasn't an alter boy

Little Johnny wanted a red bicycle for Christmas.

He asked his mother, “Can I have a red bicycle for Christmas?”

“No, you’ve been a bad boy all year. Why do you think Santa should get you a red bicycle for Christmas? I want you to go and write a letter to God explaining why you should get a red bicycle for Christmas.”

So Little Johnny...

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A nun is leaving church one evening.....

A nun is leaving church one winter evening after mass. As she exits she sees two alter boys laying in the snow completely naked. The nun approaches the boys and says "Dear lord! What are u boys doing out here naked in the snow?" One of the boys looks up at her and says,

"Father John likes to...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

I swear to god, people these days have no morals whatsoever

I was at church today and some scumbag lit a cigarette with an alter candle, I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer

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There's a new Batman coming out, but Batman is being played by an Asian?

His alter-ego? Bruce Wang.

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are yo...

Man Request Prayer In Church

Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"

A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"

The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"

So the church prays fervently over the ...

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Unemployed musician walks into a bar...

...and asks if they need a house musician to entertain the patrons. The manager told him to go ahead and show what he's got at the piano onstage.
So the man proceeds to play one of the most wonderful original songs the folks there had ever heard. It took everyone by surprise and he got a hear...

Directly to Jesus

One of the problems catholic priests face is how to keep their young alter boys from misbehaving or not accomplishing the tasks given to them, as they have not yet concerted their faith and devotion. One year at the annual meeting of cardinals a group of priests from all over the world were complain...

Choochie Green was a hooker in a little town,

One Sunday morning she's decides to go to church. She gets all dressed up, in her finest mini skirt and top. She arrives early to ensure a seat up close. While the rest of the congregation files in, the priest notices her. He leans over to the alter boy and ask "Is that Choochie Green?" The boy squi...

A preist and a rabbi

Are out drinking together and the preist says " lets get some alter boys to screw." and the rabbi says "out of what? "

What do you call two tailors fighting?

a serious alteration

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New Priest

A priest is just about to retire when he meets the priest replacing him, the new priests asks what he should do when taking confessions, as this will be his first day. The former priest gives him a handbook and tells him to use this for the first month or so.

The new priest enters the confess...

The Captain of an American Airliner receives a message from a few miles ahead...

The Captain of an American Aircraft Carrier is sailing his ship through a deep fog, so much that he can barely see anything. They are moving slowly, and all crew members are instructed to be on high alert, ready to act at a moment's notice. Suddenly, he receives a call from something just a few mile...

Clergy

A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a bar.

The priest asks, "Want to screw some alter boys?"

And the rabbi responds, "out of what?"

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