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Alter Jokes

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Two alter boys fishing at the pier

Two alter boys were fishing at the pier with little luck. All of a sudden the first alter boys pole jerks downward and he reels up a monster fish.

"Hey, look at this big sonofabitch I caught!" The second alter boy looks at him and says,

"You can't say that we're Catholic."

The ...

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers.

Detective: dear god

Officer: most likely yes

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A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. Th...

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy

What do you call a person who is really fast at altering clothes?

Tailor Swift

An alter boy's confession.

'Bless me Father,  for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose  girl'..  
 
The priest asks,  'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'  
 
'Yes, Father, it  is.'  
 
'And who was the girl you were with?'  
 
'I can't tell you,  Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'  
...

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A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."

"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"

"Oh I can't say."

"Was it Mary Jane?"

"No Father."

"Adalina Mozarelli?"

"My lips are sealed."

"How about Cindy King"

"I can neve...

I just opened an express clothing alteration business.

It's called Tailor Swift.

What do u call someone who has altered their nationality?

An alternative

Today my fiance screamed at me and told me she hates at the alter

Ruined a perfectly good sacrifice.

A groom is standing at the alter with his best man

Looking out at the crowd of people gathered for the wedding, the groom whispers to the best man "you know except for my wife-to-be, my two sisters, my aunt and my mom, I must have nailed every woman here!" The best man whispers back between us, we've done the whole room!"

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A groom meets up with his groomsmen at the alter with a huge smile on his face.

The best man looks at him and says, "wow, dude, you are really looking forward to this, huh?" The groom replies, "bro, I just got the best blow job I have ever had in my LIFE, and a I'm about to marry that girl!"
While waiting for the wedding procession to start, the bride had a wide grin on her ...

Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence.

For example:

Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.

Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.

I'm an alter-boy sitting alone with a priest.

I didn't think of a punchline, but I'm sure it will come to me.

Did you hear the one about the priest and the alter boy?

It’s actually quite a touching story

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A priest, a lawyer, and an alter boy are on a plane...

...and the plane is crashing. Suddenly the pilot comes out of the cockpit and says to the three of them, "Alright, we're going down and I only have three parachutes, I'm taking one, it's up to you guys to figure out who gets the other two."

The lawyer says: "I have my own successful firm with...

There was a fight at the alter yesterday

I guess you could say it was an altercation

I just found out about these things called "mods" that can alter game files.

They're absolutely game changing.

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

In a mythical world, a priest made out of vegetables stepped up to the alter..

“Lettuce pray. “

An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35.

His Friends Cautioned Him About The Health Hazard Involved, Saying That The Exertion Of Amour Could Prove To Be Fatal. "Vell, Dat's The Chance I'll Have To Take," Said Lars. "If She Dies...She Dies."

Why doesn't Bruce Banners pants rip when he transforms into the Hulk?

Because the radiation altered his jeans

Heinz have altered one of their spicier sauces.

It's a remustard version.

Why is there no clear distinction concerning the morality of altering one's personality through brain surgery?

Because, it's a bit of a grey matter!

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The best man was waiting at the alter when the groom finally arrived wearing a huge smile.

"What are you so happy about?" asked the best man.

"I just got the best blow job I have ever gotten in my life and I am about to marry that woman!" laughed the groom.

Soon, the marriage procession begins and the bride is beaming with glee as she walks down the aisle. As she hands her b...

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A custodian fills in for a priest

A custodian is cleaning at the church where he works, suddenly a priest frantically approaches him

"son, i need you to do me a favor! I have a golf game I must go to but there's a woman who just came in for confession. I need you to go into the confession booth, listen to this woma...

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A janitor is cleaning the church.......

.....when suddenly the priest runs out of the confession booth.

He bumps into the janitor and tells him to cover for him because he had run to the bathroom.

Surprised, the janitor tells the priest that he doesn't know anything about confessions.

The priest hands him a sheet of p...

After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black...

...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief

US Battleship and Canadian Navy

I remembered an old joke I read awhile back. Some details may be off, but figured I had to share:

An American battleship ship is traveling at night around Canada when the radio comes on. It says "Canadian Navy to American Battleship, we have detected that you are on a collision course with us...

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"



(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with g...

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Sum bitch

Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big sum bitch!" The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter boy" to w...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

I need help with a 17 year old joke about Jello and Communism

So my friend and I started this game 17 years ago where you have to come up with a jello (we altered the rules to allow *some* pastries) that fit a communist theme.

Everytime we come up with a new one we swear there are none left. I know he cheats, cos I cheat too. My sister came up with Ban...

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A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth...

Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before.

Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear wha...

The pirate and the parrot

This Pirate, his parrot and his crew were rowing up on a ship they’re gonna try and board in the dead of night.
The Pirate whispers out in’a gravely voice, row you dirty b***tards.
A few seconds later the parrot whispers, row you dirty b***tards.

The Pirate whispers out, feel the f***in...

What was the plastic surgeon priest’s favourite thing to do?

Alter boys

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A Jew walks into a Christian church.

Avram went into a Church, took out his Tallis, placed it over his yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. the clergyman entered to start services, "Will all non-Christians please leave." Avram continued praying. Finally the angered clergyman moved toward Avram, "Will all JEWS please leave." At this, Avram ...

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman “they must have the same landlord I do."

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I just lost my virginity.

The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.

It's like I have entered another body.

A woman was nervous about messing up during her wedding ceremony

She spoke with the preacher who offered her assurance.
"Just remember 3 things and you will be fine" he said.
"Number 1, walk down the aisle. Number 2, stand in front of the alter. Number 3, step forward to me after the hymn."
The preacher then assured her that he would guide her through ...

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A caretaker had been working at a church for almost 30 years

One day while the priest was doing confessions, he got a phonecall telling him that his father was dying and he needed to come to his bedside as soon as possible. Not wanting to let down the people needing confessions, he asked the caretaker to fill in. "You've been here long enough to know the dri...

What do you call a Waffle with a Split Personality?

Alter Eggo.

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It's a Priests first day at a new church...

and after Mass he sits down in the confession booth. He's nervous because this is his first time in confessional after seminary school and he isn't sure if he'll remember what to do.

Someone walks in and sits down, and starts to confess. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it's been 2 weeks...

How is a catholic tailor like a behavioral psychiatrist?

They’ve both learned how to alter habits.

Whats the best way to castrate a priest?

Kick the alter boy in the chin

Directly to Jesus

One of the problems catholic priests face is how to keep their young alter boys from misbehaving or not accomplishing the tasks given to them, as they have not yet concerted their faith and devotion. One year at the annual meeting of cardinals a group of priests from all over the world were complain...

Me: I am thinking of climbing Mt Everest again.

My alter ego: Really? How many times have you climbed Mt Everest so far?
Me: Not once yet, but it is the seventh time I have had this thought.

A newly married Alan goes to the meet Father George

He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'

The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'

Alan replies, 'No, Father! I need to clarify something.'

The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Alan. What is it?'

Alan asks, 'Father,...

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So the police have a new slogan.

So the police in my area have a new slogan that they altered from the post office. Rain nor shine nor sleet or hail will keep your ass out of jail.

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Cold Ones -NSFW

A nun walks out after school to catch two alter boys with their dicks in the snow.

The nun asks, “what are you boys doing?!”

They reply, “The Priest said he wanted a few cold ones after work.”

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I was talking to my uncle about his high school years…

He said when he started high school he was the biggest trouble maker in the school. He cut classes, got in fights, smoked in the bathroom, etc etc. Said he spent half his freshmen year sitting outside the principal’s office.

Eventually he got expelled and his parents had no choice but to sen...

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Sex makes my day

But anal makes me wish that I wasn't an alter boy

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There's a new Batman coming out, but Batman is being played by an Asian?

His alter-ego? Bruce Wang.

The pope wakes up one Sunday morning…

As he goes into the bathroom, he can’t help but notice that he is sporting some rather impressive morning wood. Recognizing the fact that he can’t conduct services in his condition, he decides to “rough up the alter boy”.

After returning to his home after giving an excellent sermon, he find...

A nun and a priest are in a heated argument

The priest insists that since he is higher up on the Catholic food chain, God must love him more than the nun. The nun disagrees and says that God loves everyone equally. The priest comes to the conclusion that he can only settle this discussion by having God arbitrate the debate for them. So he kne...

I swear to god, people these days have no morals whatsoever

I was at church today and some scumbag lit a cigarette with an alter candle, I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer

I'm looking for as many dirty nun jokes as possible and thought maybe you guys could help me out.

Thank you and I'm sorry if I'm not supposed to ask things like this here. For your help I'll give you a nun joke.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an alter boy!

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New Priest

A priest is just about to retire when he meets the priest replacing him, the new priests asks what he should do when taking confessions, as this will be his first day. The former priest gives him a handbook and tells him to use this for the first month or so.

The new priest enters the confess...

Clergy

A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a bar.

The priest asks, "Want to screw some alter boys?"

And the rabbi responds, "out of what?"

If Hillary Clinton were captain of the Titanic

Captain Hillary Clinton, RMS:

There's an iceberg, dead ahead. We need to alter course.

No, it's not my imagination. Right there, see? An iceberg.

This ship will strike that iceberg and sink if we don't change course.

No, I'm not being overly dramatic. It's an iceberg. It ...

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A nun is leaving church one evening.....

A nun is leaving church one winter evening after mass. As she exits she sees two alter boys laying in the snow completely naked. The nun approaches the boys and says "Dear lord! What are u boys doing out here naked in the snow?" One of the boys looks up at her and says,

"Father John likes to...

What do you call two tailors fighting?

a serious alteration

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