Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler

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With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

I tried to draw a circle, after doing all my calculations, it would never be correct...

Turns out, it was a rounding error

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

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My friend draws beautiful nudes, starting from the feet, up. They're amazing art but he always throws them all away...

I think it's 'cuz he always finishes on the faces.

I have a hard time trusting people that use pencils to draw.

They're sketchy.

I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings

In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out

Did you hear about Missouri’s plan to draw more business in?

The new motto is “Missouri loves companies”.

I was applying to volunteer at a blood drive, but they rejected me when they asked me to demonstrate drawing blood.

I guess they didn't want me to use crayon.

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A man walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the piano player dead.

“I’ve been itching to do that for a long time,” he says, “that
bloody noise has been driving me mad.”

The barman beckons the man to one side.

“Mind if I give you a bit of advice, Mister? If I were you I
would file off any sharp edges on your gun and grease the
barrel.”

...

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In the draw down of WWII...

Dignitaries and generals were touring Nazi facilities in Europe. One of the stops that they made was at a naval base where the dreaded U-Boats were based.

The dignitaries and their staffs were headed to a captured U-Boat, when a droning was noticed, and the air raid sirens went off. The Luft...

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He is a pick up artist.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

What do you call a cookie that draws funny pictures?

A Snickerdoodle!

I was drawing one day, but then I messed it up, so I scribbled all over it...

The guy getting the tattoo wasn't too happy about it.

Before the drawing board was invented ...

... what did people go back to?

I hate it when people draw a circle or an oval...

I mean seriously, it’s pointless.

I'm fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana

But coccaine is where I draw the line

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bod...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

I'm doing a drawing of the Black Pearl, but I can't remember the captain

I'm trying to think of his name, but I'm drawing a plank

I made a quick drawing of a dark alleyway yesterday.

It's a very sketchy place.

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I found a couple of disturbing pornographic drawings that my children did, so I threw them in the fire.

But I kept the drawings for future reference.

Your drawings are like your future.

They don't have any Perspective.

What do you call an artist who had a vasectomy?

Seriously, does anyone know?

I'm drawing a blank here.

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What is Hitler’s favorite type of artwork?

Charcoal drawings

Where do you find the best drawings?

In Pencilvania

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Forgive me, but my favorite all time joke is.

Little Johnny's curious so he asks his mom, "mom, what's a pussy?"

She gets mad and asks him where he heard that word.

J: "The boys at school were saying it"

M: "Well don't let me catch you repeating it but a pussy is a cat."

J: "What's a bitch?"

M: " Them bo...

My son brought home a drawing he made. But I know it wasn’t him that drew it

Because the drawing looked sketchy

When does the artist die?

When she draws her last breath.

Someone once told me that a good joke draws on an experience that everyone has in common but the subject should be kind of unpleasant.

That's why I made the punchline about banging your Mum.

Drugs are not that bad But when it comes to cocaine

We’ve got to draw a line somewhere.

My wife asked for help, she said she was drawing a blank.

I told her to turn the pencil around.

The test

Students in a design school were doing the final test. The assingment was to design some piece of furniture. They started. Someone was designing a couch, someone a bed, but one student was drawing a bunch of dolls in a strait line. The proffesor was surprised and he asked the student if he knew what...

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

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Curtis

So, imagine a guy named Curtis. Curtis was no ordinary man. You see, he was MAGICAL. Nearly omnipotent.

One day, Curtis decides to make use of his power, and he takes a marker, and a trillion sheets of paper. On each sheet he draws an E as large as he can.

Every time you did someone a...

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A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...

...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.

-1:0 I am winning, - says the man.
Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.

-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.

Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he...

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"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

Classroom

In a grade school classroom the teacher asked each of her students to come up to the chalk board and draw a picture of something that they talked about with their parents the night before.

The first little girl came up to the board and drew a cat. The teacher asked "what is that?" The little...

My friend challenged me to finish his bird drawing. He had already drawn the head, torso and legs.

To be honest, I just winged it.

Two old men were picked up by the cops

Two old men were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and...

What kind of artist draws flies?

The dead artist

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.



But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or
else people will think you're being irrational. But
that is beside the point.

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were walking down a deserted road when they stumbled upon a pot filled with gold coins

After a few moments they all agreed that being men of God, they can't take all the gold for themselves. They have to give something back to God. The Priest said: i'm going to draw a square on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside the square is mine to take, whatever ...

Thought of this one on my own when I was a youngster.

Why did the artist lose the gun fight?

He didn't draw his gun fast enough!

When I read a comic book I tear the last page off

I like to draw my own conclusions

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Stingy man on his deathbed

An extremely cheap old man was on his deathbed, a few minutes away from drawing his last breath.

Throughout his life, he spent as little as possible and never said how much money he had, so his family were waiting for him to finally tell them about his wealth.

With all his relatives a...

Who is Rorschach?

And why did he make all these drawings of my parents fighting?

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I used to be paranoid when I jerked off. I would draw the curtains, open private browsing, lock the door, get excuses ready and everything else, but I overcame that and now I can masturbate at the drop of a hat.

Get kicked out of a lot of hat stores, though

Police are looking for the person(s) responsible for drawing graffiti on local sea life

Police are saying its no accident and has been done on porpoise.

Today in class, we were supposed to draw the French flag.

For some reason, the paper my teacher gave me already had the flench flag on it so I just submitted it.


Why did he mark the work as unattempted? It was all white already...

If you take up drawing as a mid-life hobby, but you just can't get past tracing...

You might have an exit-stencil crisis.

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What has 3 arms and 4 legs?

My son's shitty drawing of a snake

What do you call a chicken's sidewalk drawing?

A chalk-a-doodle-do!

(Credit: My 6 year old daughter who makes up jokes while we're driving. Proud parent moment, she is getting to be one of the best pun-slingers I know)

A drawing is walking in an alley, and seems unsettled.

The drawing thinks to itself, “Man, this place seems a little sketchy.”

How do you draw a tree?

Draw a seed and wait.

Walking through town, a guy on a corner offered to draw a picture of me and my wife and showed me some of the other things he was working on...

...I would have bought one, but his portfolio was super sketchy.

Did you hear about the man who would draw without a rough draft?

Of course not. He disappeared without a trace.

I was astonished my girlfriend managed to draw her eyebrows on at the right height instead of too high for once but when I told her...

She didn't seem surprised.

I finally hung up all of my pencil drawings.

But i'm afraid it makes my house look kinda sketchy...

I like it when people draw Manx cats accurately.

It shows attention to de-tail.

What do whales like to draw with?

A-krill-ic paint.

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

'Where's Wally' celebration day!

Event expected to draw large crowds.

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

I was drawing a graph for my report expecting a straight line. But I got a curve.

What a plot twist

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In class today, the kids were learning how to draw the letter P.

"Ok class, today I'm going to teach you how to draw the letter P."

*Teacher draws the letter P on the white board*

"Now you try."

*All the kids try to draw the letter P*

The teacher notices one kid in the back of the class shaking after drawing it.

"Very good class...

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Do I have to draw you a picture?

Son: "Dad, a kid got in trouble at school today for saying "bitch" and "pussy", what does that mean?"

Dad: Grabs an old muffler shop calendar and a marker. "Look here Junior." Dad uses the marker and circles the genitalia of the nude Miss December, then points. "That right there, that i...

Biology Test

Biology Teacher : Everybody draw female reproductive organ.

*One girl felt shy and looked down*


A boy shouted : Mam, she's copying.

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

How long does it take to draw a line through a circle without going through the center?

About a secant

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Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene.

When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, "That's round John Virgin."

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A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle

When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him.
The guy looks at his situation...and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!"Just then, the clouds above op...

How do you draw a crowd?

With a pen.

I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trigonometry, I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

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A woman and her artist husband have been having sex daily for about a month.

It's a little unusual, but the husband doesn't complain at all. "Honey?" his wife asks one day. "Can you draw a picture for me?"

"Sure babe, what would you like?" he replies.

"I want to see what you think our baby will look like."

The husband stares at her for a few moments, the...

Yesterday I was drawing a new 18+ pokémon

My mom walked in and asked me what the hell I was drawing. I said "Oh, it's Nutting".

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A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself  out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the  building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredibl...

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Two rednecks are at work, digging a trench

Two rednecks, Billy and Bob, are at work digging a trench. The sun is beating down on them, sweat is dripping off their faces, and their hands are blistered from the shovels.

After slogging away at this for days, they start to grumble at the misery of their lot. Eventually Billy says to Bob,...

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

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A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is.

One student raises his hand and says.

“That’s a dick ma’am”

The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.

A few minutes later, the principal walks in.

“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”

I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.

She said it's in case she has to draw blood.

Art Teacher: Why are you staring at an empty piece of paper?

I'm drawing a blank.

A psychiatrist goes into a room full of mentally ill people to check if some of them have become sane...

He takes a whiteboard pen and draws a door on the wall.

He says: "Those of you who think they are sane can now leave the psychiatry by using this door. All the people jump up from their chairs and furiously try to open the door - everybody but one.

The psychiatrist is relieved to see t...

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

Did you hear about the kid who always kept a drawing pin in his pocket during self-defense class?

Apparently he had heard that a tack is the best form of defense.

In a child in a drawing lesson.

A little girl was in a drawing lesson. She was six and she was at the back, drawing, and the teacher noticed this little girl hardly ever paid attention, and in this drawing lesson she did. The teacher was fascinated and she went over to her and she said, "What are you drawing?" And the girl said, "...

A guy is stranded on a deserted island with a famous supermodel.

##

Within a week the two lonely castaways are making love. Then, one day, the guy turns to the supermodel and says, “I was hoping you could do me a favor.” “Sure,” she replies. “First, put on my clothes,” he says. “Fine,” she says while getting dressed. “Great. Now draw a beard on your face ...

A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that?
There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later.
He sees the wife and asks wher...

I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk...

But the street is where I draw the line

I had a performance in an art gallery today.

It was to draw in more people.

My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.


He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people bu...

How to Sell a Toothbrush

The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes.

He replied “It’s easy” and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top.

He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chi...

My girlfriend asked me to draw her a bath. I filled the tub for her and when she went to get in, she said, "You made it too hot! If I was a child, you would've scalded me!"

I replied, "If you were a child, that wouldn't be the worst thing I've done to you."

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

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