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Draw Jokes

An artist has a 6 year old child who also likes to draw

His child drew a horse.

The artist asked, "You drew the horse wrongly."

The child replied, "How did I draw it wrongly?"

The artist said, "Why does the horse have wings?"

The child replied, "Why can't it have wings?"

The artist said, "It isn't a horse if it has wing...
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Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
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What do you call a Norse god who doesn't draw much attention to themselves?

Low Key.......!
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Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler
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My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150.

He’s ….a pickup artist.
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"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

They laughed at my crayon drawing...

...now I laugh at their chalk outline.
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I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings

In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
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I don't trust people who can draw...

They all seem kinda sketchy.
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Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.
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A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? Th...

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.
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I asked my German friend to draw me a circular statistical diagram.

“Venn?" he asked.

“As soon as you can.”
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What do you call a chicken's sidewalk drawing?

A chalk-a-doodle-do!

(Credit: My 6 year old daughter who makes up jokes while we're driving. Proud parent moment, she is getting to be one of the best pun-slingers I know)
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Why can’t Harry Potter draw a straight line ?

He can only draw Diagon Alley.
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Did you hear about the rooster that draws pictures of poop?

The cock will doodle doo.

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With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.
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I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1
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I'm not gonna draw a nude picture of you for free.

but I'll do it for exposure.

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I figured out who is responsible for all the penis drawings in the bathroom stalls

It was Dick Tracey

New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot.

I call it the Ferguson
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How do kids in Alabama draw a family tree?

With a circle
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What do you call the trained medical personnel who draws blood at the hospital?

Nurse Feratu
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I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...

But graphing is where I draw the line!
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How do you draw flies?

With a pencil!
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The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

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What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.
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Some JERK used his finger to draw penises in the dirt on my car!

I don’t know who did it, but they had a lot of balls!!!

I just can't draw blood

With this orange crayon.


It isn't sharp enough.
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in an art competition they asked the competitors to draw a picture representing famine around the world

the 3rd place award went to a picture of a child next to a piece of bread but can't reach it for he is too weak to even move, symbolising their suffering and their weakness.

2nd place went to a picture of a child so thin and so weak lying on the ground and a crow a couple of meters away waiti...

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.
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Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.

It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.

Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einste...
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The farmer sells his horse for $2000 to a buyer at the market.

The farmer initially promises to deliver the horse to the man in a week, but halfway through that week, the horse dies.

The farmer offers to return the money, but the man decides to proceed with the purchase. In the following week, the farmer encounters the man and inquires about the fate of...

How can you work to improve your 3D drawings into 4D drawings?

It just takes time
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In the draw down of WWII...

Dignitaries and generals were touring Nazi facilities in Europe. One of the stops that they made was at a naval base where the dreaded U-Boats were based.

The dignitaries and their staffs were headed to a captured U-Boat, when a droning was noticed, and the air raid sirens went off. The Luft...

| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.



But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or
else people will think you're being irrational. But
that is beside the point.
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I took this art class and the teacher said, “draw anything.”

So, of course, your boy likes wordplay, so I decided to draw water.

I call the teacher over to look at my artwork that I finished and she said, “You didn’t draw anything.”

I said “Yes I did.”

She said, “No you didn’t.”

I said “Um... last time I checked, water was clear, s...

How many flat-earthers does it take to draw an arrow?

None. They can't make a point.
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I knew a man whose work focused specifically on designing draw bridges...

of course, this was before his suspension.
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Why are farmers so good at drawing circles?

Because the are Protractors
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I have a hard time trusting people that use pencils to draw.

They're sketchy.
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A man liked to draw pictures of his friend Barry and his other friend Larry.

Larry was annoyed because he Drew Barrymore.
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Look, I'm all for coloring books...

but connect-the-dots? That's where I draw the line.
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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

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I was asked to draw tampons throughout the ages but I wonder...

Do they have to be period accurate?

What is an artist's favorite thing to draw?

Unemployment
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When a girl asks you "Does my butt looks big in this?" That is her way of asking you to set the difficulty for the evening...

Easy mode: Of course not honey, you look wonderful.

Medium mode: Hmm, maybe try a different pair of pants.

Hard mode: Yes, but it looks big in anything.

Impossible mode: Yes, but on the bright side, it draws attention away from your face.

What’s the deal with Furries? Haters think there’s nothing wrong with drawing cats.

But oh, when the cat becomes a femboy it’s suddenly a problem.
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What do you call a drawing of a clown?

A comedy sketch.
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If you make 10 drawings, you’re not an artist

And if you cook 10 meals, you’re not a chef

But if you kill ONE person...
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Why did the blonde remove the lense from her eye and draw circles around it for hours?

She was practicing before her interview to be a contact tracer.
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You should never let anyone draw a picture of you.

You'll always look sketchy.
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Where do you draw the line for stupidity?

Somewhere between Canada and Mexico..
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I hate it when people draw a circle or an oval...

I mean seriously, it’s pointless.
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Little Johnny and the drawing project

One morning to spice things up, teacher decided to have a classroom drawing project. One person would start, then the next student would add to the drawing. She asked the students who wanted to start first, so little Johnny raised his hand. Knowing little Johnny had a disturbed mind, she decided ...
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Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene.

When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, "That's round John Virgin."

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...
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Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

How do you draw an Overwatch character?

You Tracer.
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If you want to learn how to draw superheroes start with Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy

He's just a fancy stick figure
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Used to know this guy who always tried to draw attention to the fact he was half-horse.

Never could stop being the centaur of attention.
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A gangster approaches someone that has information and draws a gun on him.

"Okay, here's how it works," the gangster said. "You have information, and I want that information. So when I ask a question, you answer truthfully, and you may walk out of here alive."

"Ok, shoot" the man at gunpoint said.
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How do you draw a crowd?

With a pen.
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What do whales like to draw with?

A-krill-ic paint.
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Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?
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Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...
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Do I have to draw you a picture?

Son: "Dad, a kid got in trouble at school today for saying "bitch" and "pussy", what does that mean?"

Dad: Grabs an old muffler shop calendar and a marker. "Look here Junior." Dad uses the marker and circles the genitalia of the nude Miss December, then points. "That right there, that i...

___________________________________

With all the bad jokes going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.
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In class today, the kids were learning how to draw the letter P.

"Ok class, today I'm going to teach you how to draw the letter P."

*Teacher draws the letter P on the white board*

"Now you try."

*All the kids try to draw the letter P*

The teacher notices one kid in the back of the class shaking after drawing it.

"Very good class...

What does a fish use to draw?

Sharkcoal
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Regarding myself: I must confess to my one and only draw-back, and it's a fairly massive one...

It's my foreskin.
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Chuck Norris's password is the last 9 digits of pi.

Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice

Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar

Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.

Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without fac...
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Why do people put "draw me something funny on the inside of the pizza box" in the Other Requests box?

Because they know the pizza place is gonna be filled with art majors anyhow.
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A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...
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Just got fired from my job at Google Maps. Apparently I was terrible at drawing the boundaries between countries.

They said I was borderline incompetent.
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I won a tutu in a charity draw at my daughter's ballet school. My Mexican friend entered as well.

Juan won one tutu too.
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A gruff looking guy approached me on the street saying he can draw my portrait for $2

It sounds sketchy
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A cowboy kept trying to draw his gun

Unfortunately, he couldn't find a pencil.
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Did you hear about Missouri’s plan to draw more business in?

The new motto is “Missouri loves companies”.
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Before the drawing board was invented ...

... what did people go back to?
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Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to ...
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Your drawings are like your future.

They don't have any Perspective.
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I asked an artist friend of mine to draw me a golden wishing well

He replied 'Eh, Midas well"
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I like it when people draw Manx cats accurately.

It shows attention to de-tail.
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The teacher told her class to draw a ring.

Johnny drew a perfect square.

The teaches said,”Johnny why didn’t you draw a ring??”

“I did. It’s a boxing ring!!”
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A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"
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A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.

As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.

Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without m...
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So a black man was shot by a police offer who meant to draw their taser and not their gun

It's not even shocking anymore...

I ripped my drawing as it looked bad.

The guy I drew the tattoo for was horrified.
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Drawing pictures on a date

The owner of a large furniture store in the midwest arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.

He to...
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I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk...

But the street is where I draw the line
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A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...
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Where do you find the best drawings?

In Pencilvania
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How many points does it take to draw a curve?

According to my engineering professor, just one, but you need to list your assumptions.
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I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.
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Back to the Drawing Board

(after the Apocalypse)

God: *sigh* "Ok. This time I'm going to make them all the same color.
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What kind of artist draws flies?

The dead artist
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I once knew a bald guy who liked to draw rabbits on his head

but from a distance they looked like hares
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Did you hear about the Jewish man who kept drawing on his penis?

He was told for good hygiene you have to draw back your foreskin.

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I forgot to draw the curtain before having a wank today.

"Get the fuck out of our changing rooms," said the assistant at H&M.

Did you hear about the man who would draw without a rough draft?

Of course not. He disappeared without a trace.
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I made a quick drawing of a dark alleyway yesterday.

It's a very sketchy place.
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I was struggling to think of the easiest things to draw today.

So far I've drawn a blank.
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I tried to draw a circle, after doing all my calculations, it would never be correct...

Turns out, it was a rounding error
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I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?

That's where I draw the line.
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A lot of people say I can't draw because I'm blind...

I think they're right, I see no progress.
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A gold one

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whisp...

What do you call a drawing of a laughing cookie?

A snicker-doodle
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