Walking through town, a guy on a corner offered to draw a picture of me and my wife and showed me some of the other things he was working on...

...I would have bought one, but his portfolio was super sketchy.

What do you call a mom who can't draw?

Tracey.

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

Why do North Koreans draw lines so well?

They have a Supreme Ruler.

How long does it take to draw a line through a circle without going through the center?

About a secant

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is.

One student raises his hand and says.

“That’s a dick ma’am”

The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.

A few minutes later, the principal walks in.

“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”

Today I told my girlfriend she draws her eyebrows to high...

She looked extremely surprised.

I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?

That's where I draw the line.

I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk...

But the street is where I draw the line

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do I have to draw you a picture?

Son: "Dad, a kid got in trouble at school today for saying "bitch" and "pussy", what does that mean?"

Dad: Grabs an old muffler shop calendar and a marker. "Look here Junior." Dad uses the marker and circles the genitalia of the nude Miss December, then points. "That right there, that i...

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

A lot of people say I can't draw because I'm blind...

I think they're right, I see no progress.

Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene.

When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, "That's round John Virgin."

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

In class today, the kids were learning how to draw the letter P.

"Ok class, today I'm going to teach you how to draw the letter P."

*Teacher draws the letter P on the white board*

"Now you try."

*All the kids try to draw the letter P*

The teacher notices one kid in the back of the class shaking after drawing it.

"Very good class...

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I forgot to draw the curtain before having a wank today.

"Get the fuck out of our changing rooms," said the assistant at H&M.

How many points does it take to draw a curve?

According to my engineering professor, just one, but you need to list your assumptions.

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

My girlfriend asked me to draw her a bath. I filled the tub for her and when she went to get in, she said, "You made it too hot! If I was a child, you would've scalded me!"

I replied, "If you were a child, that wouldn't be the worst thing I've done to you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer!
The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harass...

What’s the biggest draw-back of being a male gynecologist?

Tunnel vision.

What’s the toughest thing for an artist to draw?

A salary.

(Credit to u/arguablytrue)

I just can't draw blood

With this orange crayon.


It isn't sharp enough.

Two friends like to draw together.

Today they decide to draw a nightclub, one friend, Anthony, drew the interior and exterior. The other, Dave, drew the people. First they start with the outside, they draw a bouncer with a goofy face and the line, some people normal some crazy looking.

Inside, they draw a DJ, and the dance fl...

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Naughty kid draws a penis on a black board

Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: "REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

I was struggling to think of the easiest things to draw today.

So far I've drawn a blank.

The teacher told her class to draw a ring.

Johnny drew a perfect square.

The teaches said,”Johnny why didn’t you draw a ring??”

“I did. It’s a boxing ring!!”

I drink, smoke weed, do speed

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

My dad told me he put a draw bridge at our house.

Turns out, he installed the garage door upside down.

I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...

But graphing is where I draw the line!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

You know, if you and me were to have a sketching competition...

We'd draw

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and...

A gruff looking guy approached me on the street saying he can draw my portrait for $2

It sounds sketchy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Teacher draws the picture of a heart on the board and asks..

"What is this,Sam?"

Sam:"Sir,it's a butt".

Teacher:"WHAT?How dare you?"

"What is this Billy?"

"It's a butt,sir".

Frustrated the teacher responds,

"This is enough!I am calling the principal now!"

Then he heads to call the principal.

Principal:"W...

How do you draw the most realistic fish?

It must be drawn to scale.

If someone draws pictures of Eminem for a living.

Are they a professional martial artist?

A cowboy kept trying to draw his gun

Unfortunately, he couldn't find a pencil.

Why was the King only able to draw straight line?

Because he is the ruler.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sister passed out drunk and I thought it would be funny to draw a penis on her forehead. It took longer than I expected.

I'm not very good at tracing.

___________________________________

With all the bad jokes going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the difference between a rooster and an artist who draws nudes?

One goes cock-a-doodle, and the other doodles cocks.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

I hear that if you draw a really good portrait of Jason Segel you will instantly be proficient in Karate, Taekwondo, and Jiu Jitsu

I think it has something to do with becoming a master Marshall artist

I asked my art teacher how to draw people.

He suggested I work on my personality

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What plane was used by the Navy to draw the dick in the sky?

A Boeing.

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

An American pastor, a British pastor and a Nigerian pastor were asked how they determine God's share of their Church offerings

The American pastor says he draws a circle, then throws all the money up, and all the ones that fall within the circle is God's share.

The Bristish pastor responds, "I draw a line, then throw all the money up. All the ones that fall to the right I give to God."


When the Nigerian pa...

A criminal was running away and a policeman was trying to draw his gun to shoot him.

However, he could not find a writing utensil.

I just learned how to Draw Blood in Nursing school!

It's real easy, you just need something that writes in red!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lunatic Asylum staff draw a realistic looking door on a wall

The staff tell all the crazy people that whoever exits through that door can leave the facility..

all the lunatics stampede and hurt themselves in the process but keep trying-- everyone wants to be the first to get out.

The staff notices one of the lunatics who is not participating b...

New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot.

I call it the Ferguson

How do you draw an Overwatch character?

You Tracer.

Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?

Why do nurses bring a red crayon to work?

In case they have to draw blood

I was plying Pokemon GO in the park the other day

The craze of Pokemon GO may well have died off for most people but I still love it and play all the time.


I was in my local park the other day when my absolute favourite Pokemon appeared!
It was over by a group of girls so i tried to contain my excitement so I didn't draw attentio...

When I'm stressed I like to draw a line of trees, getting smaller as they reach the horizon

It really puts things in perspective

A man draws a line on the cement with chalk, he then thrusts his fists at it.

Thats the punch line.

A cowboy, who just

moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You k...

Some names make sense. Like "Johnson" was probably given to the son of a guy named "John". Or how someone with the family name "Smith" most likely had some Blacksmiths in the family at some point.

But when someone has the name "Dickinson." I draw the line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum...

Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began. After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(original) I just got my flu shot and tried to draw something, but it still looks shitty.

I thought it was supposed to make me artistic?

An artist found a way to draw a two-sided figure, but the International Geometry Summit immediately began to furiously contest the new shape...

I say, let bi-gons be bi-gons

Ask /r/personalfinance to draw you a line, they deliver a circle.

They always make ends meet!

Asked an artist how he draws women so well.

He says "I have a day job."

That's the last time my art teacher ever asked me

to draw blood.

My wife says I have too many hobbies

I already gave up tennis and swimming, but painting is where I draw the line.

I stuck my hand in my pocket and my pencil stabbed me

Thankfully it didn't draw blood

A orthodox priest, a catholic priest and a rabbi ..

Walking in the dessert and find a suitcase with 3 mil $.

They talk and decide to split the money evenly,but then the catholic priest says:

" Wait, god gave us this money by his will, so i think we should give something back to him for his mercy."

They all agree but each has a di...

I had an art contest with my friend.

It ended in a draw.

I once knew a bald guy who liked to draw rabbits on his head

but from a distance they looked like hares

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

The teacher asks all the students to draw something on the board that's exciting...

All the other kids draw rockets, jet planes, roller coasters, and so on. But little Johnny goes up to the board, draws a dot, and sits down.

The teacher says "Johnny, there's nothing exciting about a dot. How can a dot cause excitement?"

Johnny replies "That's not a dot, it's a period,...

I used to think I could draw conclusions from small samples...

...after only a few statistics classes, I realized I couldn't.

Every statistics professor I've had has told me to disregard trends in small samples, but I haven't taken that many classes so I can't be sure.

Why can't Michael J. Fox draw a perfect circle?

Nobody can.

Man in a wheelchair at the beer store

I was buying beer and there was this older southern gentleman in a wheelchair was looking at beer too. I said if he needed help grabbing anything to let me know and I'd help. In a slow long southern draw he said:

"I appreciate cha... I'm just shopping for my son... He really likes these craf...

The Artist

I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I remember when my son fell asleep at a house party we had. I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face.

My wife went mental when she picked him up to change his nappy.

Why can't anarchists draw straight lines?

Because they don't have any rulers.

The billionaire and the architect

Los Angeles has always been a place for these massive feats of human accomplishment. Case in point, in 1989, a local billionaire spent millions of his own money to create a unique building of fantastic architecture, one that would draw people in for thousands of miles. He hired a small time architec...

Two blondes go on vacation and rent

a boat for the day to go fishing. They lower the anchor and start fishing on the lake. After a really successful days' fishing, one blonde says "We should come back to this same place tomorrow," and so she takes out a marker and draws an "X" in the bottom of the boat. "This will help us find the loc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy goes to the hospital with his mom

They’re visiting her friend who’s just given birth.

The boys mom kneels down, holding his hands and says to him “son, look at me. Sometimes babies are born differently.” “What do you mean mom?’ He asks, head cocked to one side as he ponders this.

She thinks of how to respond, gently....

Why do influencers always carry a pencil?

To draw attention

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then. She felt hungry one morning and went to her kitchen to make a ham and cheese toastie.

She thought this would be a good time to practise using her left hand. However things didn't go well: she cut her f...

I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed.

I think they should kill people who are named
after him as well.

How can I draw attention to the fact this skirt is too long?

AHEM!

A new doctor at a mental asylum decided to conduct a test

The objective of this test is to determine if those patients are truly mentally ill or not.

He handled patients in groups of three. He puts them in a room and draws a door on a board infront of them. Then he tells them that there is feast behind the door so he can see their reactions.

...

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