What do you call a cookie that draws funny pictures?

A Snickerdoodle!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

What vegetable likes to draw?

An ARTichoke.

What kind of artist draws flies?

The dead artist

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

I teased my dad about being bald, so he told me he was going to draw lots of rabbits on his head.

From a distance they will look like hares.

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I used to be paranoid when I jerked off. I would draw the curtains, open private browsing, lock the door, get excuses ready and everything else, but I overcame that and now I can masturbate at the drop of a hat.

Get kicked out of a lot of hat stores, though

You should never let anyone draw a picture of you.

You'll always look sketchy.

Why do North Koreans draw lines so well?

They have a Supreme Ruler.

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

Today in class, we were supposed to draw the French flag.

For some reason, the paper my teacher gave me already had the flench flag on it so I just submitted it.


Why did he mark the work as unattempted? It was all white already...

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I wanted to be a mime artist

But I’m shit at drawing mimes.

How do you draw a tree?

Draw a seed and wait.

A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

I was astonished my girlfriend managed to draw her eyebrows on at the right height instead of too high for once but when I told her...

She didn't seem surprised.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them takes a stick, draws a line in the sand, and says to the other, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

What do whales like to draw with?

A-krill-ic paint.

Did you hear about the man who would draw without a rough draft?

Of course not. He disappeared without a trace.

Walking through town, a guy on a corner offered to draw a picture of me and my wife and showed me some of the other things he was working on...

...I would have bought one, but his portfolio was super sketchy.

What do you call a mom who can't draw?

Tracey.

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

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"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

I like it when people draw Manx cats accurately.

It shows attention to de-tail.

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

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Do I have to draw you a picture?

Son: "Dad, a kid got in trouble at school today for saying "bitch" and "pussy", what does that mean?"

Dad: Grabs an old muffler shop calendar and a marker. "Look here Junior." Dad uses the marker and circles the genitalia of the nude Miss December, then points. "That right there, that i...

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

How do you draw a crowd?

With a pen.

In class today, the kids were learning how to draw the letter P.

"Ok class, today I'm going to teach you how to draw the letter P."

*Teacher draws the letter P on the white board*

"Now you try."

*All the kids try to draw the letter P*

The teacher notices one kid in the back of the class shaking after drawing it.

"Very good class...

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A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is.

One student raises his hand and says.

“That’s a dick ma’am”

The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.

A few minutes later, the principal walks in.

“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”

I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk...

But the street is where I draw the line

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

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Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene.

When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, "That's round John Virgin."

I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?

That's where I draw the line.

How long does it take to draw a line through a circle without going through the center?

About a secant

A lot of people say I can't draw because I'm blind...

I think they're right, I see no progress.

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

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I forgot to draw the curtain before having a wank today.

"Get the fuck out of our changing rooms," said the assistant at H&M.

How many points does it take to draw a curve?

According to my engineering professor, just one, but you need to list your assumptions.

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

What’s the toughest thing for an artist to draw?

A salary.

(Credit to u/arguablytrue)

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

I just can't draw blood

With this orange crayon.


It isn't sharp enough.

I was struggling to think of the easiest things to draw today.

So far I've drawn a blank.

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

My girlfriend asked me to draw her a bath. I filled the tub for her and when she went to get in, she said, "You made it too hot! If I was a child, you would've scalded me!"

I replied, "If you were a child, that wouldn't be the worst thing I've done to you."

I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...

But graphing is where I draw the line!

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What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

Two friends like to draw together.

Today they decide to draw a nightclub, one friend, Anthony, drew the interior and exterior. The other, Dave, drew the people. First they start with the outside, they draw a bouncer with a goofy face and the line, some people normal some crazy looking.

Inside, they draw a DJ, and the dance fl...

What’s the biggest draw-back of being a male gynecologist?

Tunnel vision.

My dad told me he put a draw bridge at our house.

Turns out, he installed the garage door upside down.

I drink, smoke weed, do speed

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

A gruff looking guy approached me on the street saying he can draw my portrait for $2

It sounds sketchy

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein counts down while the two hide. Pascal immediately runs for it, but Newton just draws a square around himself and stands there.

As he turns around he proclaims "Found you, Newton!"

"No, you found one Newton on a square-metre. You found Pascal."

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My sister passed out drunk and I thought it would be funny to draw a penis on her forehead. It took longer than I expected.

I'm not very good at tracing.

___________________________________

With all the bad jokes going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.

A cowboy kept trying to draw his gun

Unfortunately, he couldn't find a pencil.

If someone draws pictures of Eminem for a living.

Are they a professional martial artist?

Why was the King only able to draw straight line?

Because he is the ruler.

You know, if you and me were to have a sketching competition...

We'd draw

An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.

The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lor...

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

A panda walks into a cáfe.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.

“Why?” Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.

“I’m a panda,” he says at the door, “look it up.”

The waiter flips to the page about pa...

I asked my art teacher how to draw people.

He suggested I work on my personality

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Teacher draws the picture of a heart on the board and asks..

"What is this,Sam?"

Sam:"Sir,it's a butt".

Teacher:"WHAT?How dare you?"

"What is this Billy?"

"It's a butt,sir".

Frustrated the teacher responds,

"This is enough!I am calling the principal now!"

Then he heads to call the principal.

Principal:"W...

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Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

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What plane was used by the Navy to draw the dick in the sky?

A Boeing.

New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot.

I call it the Ferguson

Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?

The only thing more depressing than finding a mostly-full pack of expired condoms in your draw...

is finding an empty pack of in-date condoms in your girlfriend's purse.

A criminal was running away and a policeman was trying to draw his gun to shoot him.

However, he could not find a writing utensil.

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Lunatic Asylum staff draw a realistic looking door on a wall

The staff tell all the crazy people that whoever exits through that door can leave the facility..

all the lunatics stampede and hurt themselves in the process but keep trying-- everyone wants to be the first to get out.

The staff notices one of the lunatics who is not participating b...

How do you draw an Overwatch character?

You Tracer.

I just learned how to Draw Blood in Nursing school!

It's real easy, you just need something that writes in red!

I hear that if you draw a really good portrait of Jason Segel you will instantly be proficient in Karate, Taekwondo, and Jiu Jitsu

I think it has something to do with becoming a master Marshall artist

Ask /r/personalfinance to draw you a line, they deliver a circle.

They always make ends meet!

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.

"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back....

I found out why nurses carry red crayons...

In case they have to draw blood.

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A cowboy walks into a saloon with his friend and points at one of the seven men sitting there.

"You see him?"

"Which one?"

The cowboy draws his revolver and shoots six of them. He points at the remaining one and says:

"This one."

"So? What about him?"

"Fuckin' hate this guy."

Why do nurses use red pens?

In case they need to draw blood



P.s my mom told me this

An artist found a way to draw a two-sided figure, but the International Geometry Summit immediately began to furiously contest the new shape...

I say, let bi-gons be bi-gons

When I'm stressed I like to draw a line of trees, getting smaller as they reach the horizon

It really puts things in perspective

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(original) I just got my flu shot and tried to draw something, but it still looks shitty.

I thought it was supposed to make me artistic?

Asked an artist how he draws women so well.

He says "I have a day job."

A man draws a line on the cement with chalk, he then thrusts his fists at it.

Thats the punch line.

The teacher asks all the students to draw something on the board that's exciting...

All the other kids draw rockets, jet planes, roller coasters, and so on. But little Johnny goes up to the board, draws a dot, and sits down.

The teacher says "Johnny, there's nothing exciting about a dot. How can a dot cause excitement?"

Johnny replies "That's not a dot, it's a period,...

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I keep hearing people say that vaccines will make you artistic

But I’ve had my shots every year since birth and I still can’t draw for shit!

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

Adam knew he studied hard for his test, but couldn’t figure out where he went wrong.

He had spent almost 2 weeks preparing for this test. If he didn’t get 100%, he would fail chemistry and have to take summer school.

Knowing this, he panicked and furiously scanned the test to find out where he went wrong. Finally he saw the final question marked with an X. “Draw an atom”.
...

I am pretty good at almost all areas of Math

But graphing is where I draw the line

I stuck my hand in my pocket and my pencil stabbed me

Thankfully it didn't draw blood

My wife says I have too many hobbies

I already gave up tennis and swimming, but painting is where I draw the line.

Boris Johnson walks into a pub...

Boris Johnson walks into a pub and asks for a pint. The barman draws it & throws it into his face. 'Why did you do that?' 'You asked for a pint, but you didn't say how you wanted it delivered.' Boris: ‘I'll have a pint in a pint glass.' 'No. You can't ask again.' 'Why not?' 'Democracy.'

Why can't Michael J. Fox draw a perfect circle?

Nobody can.

I inherited a bunch of comic books from my brother, but all of them had the last page missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

The Artist

I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.

Why can't anarchists draw straight lines?

Because they don't have any rulers.

...knitting blonde

...cop see's a blonde knitting whilst driving her sports car.

...he draws along side her shouting "Pullover".

...**blonde:** "...nope they're socks..."

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Husband stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced

"From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want! Afterwa...

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