My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

How long does it take to draw a line through a circle without going through the center?

About a secant

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is.

One student raises his hand and says.

“That’s a dick ma’am”

The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.

A few minutes later, the principal walks in.

“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”

Today I told my girlfriend she draws her eyebrows to high...

She looked extremely surprised.

I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk...

But the street is where I draw the line

I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?

That's where I draw the line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

A lot of people say I can't draw because I'm blind...

I think they're right, I see no progress.

Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene.

When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, "That's round John Virgin."

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

Why do North Koreans draw lines so well?

They have a Supreme Ruler.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I forgot to draw the curtain before having a wank today.

"Get the fuck out of our changing rooms," said the assistant at H&M.

How many points does it take to draw a curve?

According to my engineering professor, just one, but you need to list your assumptions.

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

My girlfriend asked me to draw her a bath. I filled the tub for her and when she went to get in, she said, "You made it too hot! If I was a child, you would've scalded me!"

I replied, "If you were a child, that wouldn't be the worst thing I've done to you."

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer!
The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harass...

What’s the biggest draw-back of being a male gynecologist?

Tunnel vision.

I was struggling to think of the easiest things to draw today.

So far I've drawn a blank.

In class today, the kids were learning how to draw the letter P.

"Ok class, today I'm going to teach you how to draw the letter P."

*Teacher draws the letter P on the white board*

"Now you try."

*All the kids try to draw the letter P*

The teacher notices one kid in the back of the class shaking after drawing it.

"Very good class...

What’s the toughest thing for an artist to draw?

A salary.

(Credit to u/arguablytrue)

I just can't draw blood

With this orange crayon.


It isn't sharp enough.

The teacher told her class to draw a ring.

Johnny drew a perfect square.

The teaches said,”Johnny why didn’t you draw a ring??”

“I did. It’s a boxing ring!!”

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

I drink, smoke weed, do speed

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Naughty kid draws a penis on a black board

Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: "REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

How do you draw the most realistic fish?

It must be drawn to scale.

My dad told me he put a draw bridge at our house.

Turns out, he installed the garage door upside down.

Two friends like to draw together.

Today they decide to draw a nightclub, one friend, Anthony, drew the interior and exterior. The other, Dave, drew the people. First they start with the outside, they draw a bouncer with a goofy face and the line, some people normal some crazy looking.

Inside, they draw a DJ, and the dance fl...

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and...

I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...

But graphing is where I draw the line!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

You know, if you and me were to have a sketching competition...

We'd draw

My dad used to own a donkey that would draw his cart...

...but he sold it for a horse that did watercolors.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Teacher draws the picture of a heart on the board and asks..

"What is this,Sam?"

Sam:"Sir,it's a butt".

Teacher:"WHAT?How dare you?"

"What is this Billy?"

"It's a butt,sir".

Frustrated the teacher responds,

"This is enough!I am calling the principal now!"

Then he heads to call the principal.

Principal:"W...

If someone draws pictures of Eminem for a living.

Are they a professional martial artist?

A gruff looking guy approached me on the street saying he can draw my portrait for $2

It sounds sketchy

A cowboy kept trying to draw his gun

Unfortunately, he couldn't find a pencil.

What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the difference between a rooster and an artist who draws nudes?

One goes cock-a-doodle, and the other doodles cocks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sister passed out drunk and I thought it would be funny to draw a penis on her forehead. It took longer than I expected.

I'm not very good at tracing.

___________________________________

With all the bad jokes going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.

I hear that if you draw a really good portrait of Jason Segel you will instantly be proficient in Karate, Taekwondo, and Jiu Jitsu

I think it has something to do with becoming a master Marshall artist

I asked my art teacher how to draw people.

He suggested I work on my personality

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What plane was used by the Navy to draw the dick in the sky?

A Boeing.

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

The only thing more depressing than finding a mostly-full pack of expired condoms in your draw...

is finding an empty pack of in-date condoms in your girlfriend's purse.

I was plying Pokemon GO in the park the other day

The craze of Pokemon GO may well have died off for most people but I still love it and play all the time.


I was in my local park the other day when my absolute favourite Pokemon appeared!
It was over by a group of girls so i tried to contain my excitement so I didn't draw attentio...

I just learned how to Draw Blood in Nursing school!

It's real easy, you just need something that writes in red!

A cowboy, who just

moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You k...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lunatic Asylum staff draw a realistic looking door on a wall

The staff tell all the crazy people that whoever exits through that door can leave the facility..

all the lunatics stampede and hurt themselves in the process but keep trying-- everyone wants to be the first to get out.

The staff notices one of the lunatics who is not participating b...

New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot.

I call it the Ferguson

How do you draw an Overwatch character?

You Tracer.

Ask /r/personalfinance to draw you a line, they deliver a circle.

They always make ends meet!

Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

That Rorschach guy is a pervert,

all he draws are penises.

Man in a wheelchair at the beer store

I was buying beer and there was this older southern gentleman in a wheelchair was looking at beer too. I said if he needed help grabbing anything to let me know and I'd help. In a slow long southern draw he said:

"I appreciate cha... I'm just shopping for my son... He really likes these craf...

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needs to draw blood.

The billionaire and the architect

Los Angeles has always been a place for these massive feats of human accomplishment. Case in point, in 1989, a local billionaire spent millions of his own money to create a unique building of fantastic architecture, one that would draw people in for thousands of miles. He hired a small time architec...

A man draws a line on the cement with chalk, he then thrusts his fists at it.

Thats the punch line.

When I'm stressed I like to draw a line of trees, getting smaller as they reach the horizon

It really puts things in perspective

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then. She felt hungry one morning and went to her kitchen to make a ham and cheese toastie.

She thought this would be a good time to practise using her left hand. However things didn't go well: she cut her f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(original) I just got my flu shot and tried to draw something, but it still looks shitty.

I thought it was supposed to make me artistic?

An artist found a way to draw a two-sided figure, but the International Geometry Summit immediately began to furiously contest the new shape...

I say, let bi-gons be bi-gons

Asked an artist how he draws women so well.

He says "I have a day job."

That's the last time my art teacher ever asked me

to draw blood.

Two blondes go on vacation and rent

a boat for the day to go fishing. They lower the anchor and start fishing on the lake. After a really successful days' fishing, one blonde says "We should come back to this same place tomorrow," and so she takes out a marker and draws an "X" in the bottom of the boat. "This will help us find the loc...

A new doctor at a mental asylum decided to conduct a test

The objective of this test is to determine if those patients are truly mentally ill or not.

He handled patients in groups of three. He puts them in a room and draws a door on a board infront of them. Then he tells them that there is feast behind the door so he can see their reactions.

...

My wife says I have too many hobbies

I already gave up tennis and swimming, but painting is where I draw the line.

I stuck my hand in my pocket and my pencil stabbed me

Thankfully it didn't draw blood

My wife and I went to Spain

The other week I went to Barcelona for a vacation with my wife. We stayed at a small local hotel about 30 minutes from the city. The first day we had a great time going around las ramblas and going taking pictures at La Sagrada familia. That night we even attended a Barcelona game against Real Madri...

Why are soccer players so artistic?

Because every game ends in a DRAW

Engineer Expenses

A maintenance man was tasked to fix a complex machine that had gone down. He tries for days to fix the machine, but cannot find the root of the issue. After trying for so long, he goes back to his boss.

​

"Boss, I think we need to call an engineer."

​...

I once knew a bald guy who liked to draw rabbits on his head

but from a distance they looked like hares

The teacher asks all the students to draw something on the board that's exciting...

All the other kids draw rockets, jet planes, roller coasters, and so on. But little Johnny goes up to the board, draws a dot, and sits down.

The teacher says "Johnny, there's nothing exciting about a dot. How can a dot cause excitement?"

Johnny replies "That's not a dot, it's a period,...

New addition to an old joke

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer! (like no idea)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye-deer!

What do you call a deer that's been hung, draw and quartered? A well-executed eyed-deer! (a well-executed idea)

3 Mountain Men Are Sitting in a Bar Trying to decide What to Name Their Newly Settled Land

They throw all the letters of the alphabet into a hat and draw them out one at at a time.

​

The first draws, "'C', eh."

The second, "'N', eh."

The third, "'D', eh."

Why can't Michael J. Fox draw a perfect circle?

Nobody can.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I remember when my son fell asleep at a house party we had. I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face.

My wife went mental when she picked him up to change his nappy.

Three priests gathered together for a drink .

During their get together ,the host ask the other two :

- How do you split your money with the Lord ?

"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest....

I used to think I could draw conclusions from small samples...

...after only a few statistics classes, I realized I couldn't.

Every statistics professor I've had has told me to disregard trends in small samples, but I haven't taken that many classes so I can't be sure.

A Christian priest, a Muslim priest and a rabbi are asked what method they use to give money with God and the community.

The Christain priest goes first. He draws a circle and throws all the money into the air. "Whatever falls into the inner part of the circle is mine, whatever falls on the outer side of the circle is God's and the communities.

The Muslim priest goes second. He draws a straight line and throws ...

One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo

trying to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office. 

The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, had suddenly died. The keeper feared that attenda...

The Artist

I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whi...

How can I draw attention to the fact this skirt is too long?

AHEM!

A Rabbi, Priest and a Minister go golfing...

The three of them are trying to decide what to do with all of the donations they've received.

The priest has the first idea. "Let's draw a circle on the ground, throw all the money in the air and everything that lands inside of the circle we give back to God and everything that lands outside ...

There was a line drawing competition going on in Las Vegas...

The goal of the competition was to make the straightest line (7 ft long) with the weirdest material. Bobby Jay, a contestant, wanted to wow the judges so he could win the competition. So he decided to do something different.

Bobby wanted to make his line out of fruit punch, never seen before....

A Guy is being questioned in the police station, having just witnessed a murder.

They ask him if he can recall any details about the crime he had just witnessed, but the guy can't remember a single thing.

After a few hours of questioning and getting nowhere, the detectives decide to try something different and hand the guy a piece of paper and a pencil.

They ask ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...