Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles”.

Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?”

“No” he replies, “it’s puddles. And don’t ask.”

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They...

Why did the mansplainer drown in the puddle?

It was a well, actually

A guy walks into a bar with three ducks

The bartender says "sir you can't bring those ducks in here" the man says "but you don't understand these are talking ducks and are very rare" the bartender doesn't believe him so the man bets him a free drink that he can prove it, the man says he will go to the bathroom and the bartender can speak ...

A depressed shirt falls into a puddle.

"I guess I'll go hang myself."

A guy walks into a bar, takes off his hat and places it onto the counter. A duck jumps out.

The bartender asks, "Can I help you, sir?"

The guy orders a shot.

The bartender asks the guy if his duck friend wants anything, and the duck says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary."

"Oh! You're a talking duck!" the bartender says. "What's your name?"

"Houie," the duck says. <...

How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.

2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half

3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.

4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.

5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

A guy fell in a puddle

Everybody was laughing but i have a dry sense of humor

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[NSFW-ish] Three ducks walk into a pub...

...they go up to the bar. It isn't every day that ducks visit the pub so the barman says to the first duck, 'What's your name?'
'Davey,' says the duck.
'How's your day been?' asked the barman.
'Excellent! Been in and out of puddles all day.'
'oh that's nice.' says the bar...

What do you call a dirty puddle on a slab of cold concrete in dim, gloomy light?

A sunny day in Seattle.

A gentleman was heading to the pub when he saw an old man fishing in a puddle.

“Poor old fool,” the gentleman thought to himself as he watched him. He invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

What did the puddle of pee say to the guy standing in the puddle of pee?

Urine urine

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A Rooster sees a cat fall in a puddle

The rooster falls into a fit of laughter, and can barely catch his breathe. The cat climbs out of the puddle and scolds the rooster saying "that was not funny at all." The rooster composes himself and says "Sorry, but do you know what a wet pussy does to a cock?"

A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house

He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.

'Is it moving?' they asked.

'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.'

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A guy walks into a bar carrying 3 ducks......

He has one duck in his left hand, one in his right hand and one under his left arm. The bar is very empty and he is the only patron. He sits down sets his ducks on the bar and has a few drinks. The bartender doesn't say anything because he would rather a weird customer with ducks than no customers a...

Three women were returning to their village one night.

They spotted a man staggering ahead of them who was obviously very drunk. As they watched, he stumbled and fell face-down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.

However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell, so sh...

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Horse and Chicken were standing in farmer Brown's yard. [Long]

Horse was standing in the biggest puddle of mud you ever did see, not paying attention to anything. Before he knew it, he had sunk up to his haunches and couldn't get out.
"Help me Chicken!" He cried. "Go get Farmer Brown to pull me out with his tractor"
"Can't!" Squawked Chicken. "Farmer Brow...

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to th...

This is a joke my very Catholic grandma used to tell me: A little boy was walking past the church when he dropped his snack of crackers and cheddar in a puddle...

Angry at his misfortune, he loudly cursed, "Jesus Christ, God Almighty!!" The priest overheard and exclaimed, "What did you say, young man? You know it's a great sin to take the Lord's name in vain!" The little boy looked around frantically and responded, "Umm, I said my cheese and crackers got all ...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were waiting for an elevator.

On the floor, next to the elevator door, was a tiny puddle of milky liquid.

The brunette notices it first and says, "Oh my God, that looks like semen."

The redhead bends down and sniffs, "Oh my god, this smells like semen."

The blonde gets down on one knee, dips her finger in it...

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On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.

Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking at the caterpillar and says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this caterpillar. But I'll wait until it has eaten the bud so that I can go and fill my belly!! " and then it waits patiently for the caterpillar to eat the bud.

Watching from another branch, ...

What do you get when you hit a poodle with a bulldozer?

A puddle

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A man walks into a bar with 3 ducklings. [long]

A barman standing behind the bar at his pub cleaning up glasses when a man walks in with 3 ducklings. The man sits down and asks if he'll watch the ducks while he makes a call, barman says sure and off he goes.

Barman stands there looking at the ducklings for a few seconds then jokingly asks ...

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HoverDildo™

A lady engineer working late one night at a robotics company suddenly got a million-dollar idea! She then gathered up some spare parts and got to work on her side-project.

The next day, she showed one of her colleagues what she had been working on - A high-tech sex toy she called the HoverDil...

A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.

-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggern...

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A kid fell in a puddle!

Wanna hear a clean joke?

He took a bath with Bubbles!

Wanna hear another dirty joke?

Bubbles was the girl next door!

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I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: "5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks"

"Ducks can't talk" says I.

"5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise"

"You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks"

I walk to the first duck "Hey duckie, how was your day?"

"Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"

"HOLY SHIT, They do tal...

T'was a wet and rainy Christmas eve...

...when santa landed on our roof.

The slippery condition were quite treacherous,

as a reindeer missed its hoof.

Santa and his reindeers came sliding down.

I would've laffed if it was a clown.

One by one, they got tangled in the lights,

and came crashing down...

An Irishman sees an old man standing in the rain outside of a pub...

As the man gets closer he notices that the old man has a stick in his hand with a piece of string on it, and is waving it around in a puddle.

The man feels bad for the old codger and offers to buy him a pint.

"thank you!" replies the old man, and the two walk inside the pub.
As they...

Jesus and Moses

One day, Jesus and Moses are chilling in heaven, and a stick falls from a tree.

Jesus picks up the stick and thrusts it into Moses' arms. "Hey Moses, how about you try to split that puddle of water over there like you did with the Red Sea?"

Moses takes the stick and heads over to the p...

The religious painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the j...

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Three ducks walk into a bar (NSFW)

Three ducks walk into a bar and order 3 beers. When the 1st duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, "Thanks man, my name is Huey." The bartender says "Nice to meet you Huey! How's your day been?" Huey replies "Man! I have had the best day ever... I have been in and out of puddles all day long. Co...

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A guy walks into a bar on a rainy day with three ducks.

The guy goes to the bathroom and the three ducks sit on barstools. The bartender says “what’s your name?” to the first duck. The duck says “my name is Chuck and I like to fuck”. The bartender is surprised but continues the small talk “shitty weather we’re having”. The duck says “no way, I’m havi...

Can I sell kayak equipment if my dog peed on it?

Can I peddle a paddle if it's in a puddle of poodle piddle?

I live in a small town and we only have two police officers

Yet I was still unlucky enough to be pulled over.

There I was, lying face-down on the pavement in a puddle of my own puke with a bottle next to me, car door open.

'hey there, having a good night I see. could you please stand up for me sir?'

I obliged.

'right. Now I'm goi...

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A Redditor got bored and decided to try an experiment...

There was a case of Coca Cola in the corner of the basement, next to a case of store-brand Cola. He decided to test the effects of each on the ants that infested the basement. He spilled a small puddle of each on the floor and watched as the ants crowded around the sugary liquids. At some point the ...

The Old Fisherman

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.
...

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A magic frog is hopping through a forest.

The forest is so big, he's not seen a single animal since he left his birthing puddle. One day he sees a bear chasing a rabbit and he stops them. "As you are the first living things I've seen in a long time, I will grant you each 3 wishes."

The rabbit takes a moment to think, but the bear blu...

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

Two men are walking to the market together

The first man says to the other, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't get a frog and eat it." The second man takes the offer and picks up a frog from a puddle on the way. He eats it and receives $5. As the two continue walking, the second man decides that he should get the first man to do something ...

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A man goes to a brothel.

A man goes to a brothel. Broke, he ask for their cheapest pricing. The madam respond, "there's a girl who will go for $30."

The man opens his wallet, revealing just a couple dusty coins. Reluctantly he says, "Any cheaper?"

"Well there is... just one. It might not be the best but she ...

Jesus, Moses and a very old guy.

Jesus, Moses and a very old man are playing golf. At the first 
hole there was a water puddle aprox 10 ft. from the hole. The first one 
to go was Moses. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it headed right 
for the water puddle. Moses opened his eyes widely and the water split 
down...

Will & Quentin

There were two friends named Will and Quentin. Quentin hated his name so he went by the name Q. Both of these kids weren't nerds in any regard, but they were both ridiculed for their abnormalities. Will was 16 years old and still was only 5'2'' (a small height for a young man his age) and Q was hosp...

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The Fog Monster

Long, long ago, there was a village which had its very existence constantly threatened by a terrible fog monster. For a while, none would trade with the village, for even outsiders feared this hostile aberration, which could attack without warning and slay an army without leaving a trace. Several ge...

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A nun is walking down a street...

...when she suddenly trips over and lands in a dirty puddle and gets covered head to toe in muddy water. Flustered she goes to the nearest house to ask to use their shower. She spots an open window and pops her head through. To her surprise she sees a man furiously masturbating on his sofa. The nun ...

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The farmer, his horse and his chicken.

A horse and chicken are best of friends, they play in the field all day long but after a bad storm the horse gets stuck into sinking mud and worries he is going to drown..

He cries for the chicken to help; who runs off to find the farmer. The farmer drives back with his BMW, throws a rope in...

3 ducks walk into a bar

3 ducks walk into a bar, the first duck called Bob, goes up to the bar and says "It's been a hard day give me one of your strongest"

The bartender says "What have you been doing all day?"

The duck responds saying " just normal duck stuff, going in and out of puddles all day" and then ...

A duck walks in to a bar

A duck walks in to a bar, sits on the bar stool and says "My names Splish, I've had an amazing day, I've been in and out of puddles all day! I'll have a large beer please", to which the bartender looks in amazement. Absolutely baffled at the situation, the bartender makes the beer and sits back in d...

A man went to the wishing well.

He wished for a superpower, any superpower at all.

The next day, he accidentally rammed into the wall, biting on the paint. He then dissolved into a sentient puddle, able to cover the places he moved around in paint.

"Whoa!" he said, changing out of that form. He rushed over to bite a...

My friend was a pretty good guitarist

But that one time he stepped in a puddle while playing his electric guitar on an old, badly grounded amp, he became a great conductor.

A guy walks into a bar with three ducks in a shopping bag.

He sits down and proceeds to take each of the three ducks out of the bag and stand them on the bartop. Then he goes to the restroom.

The bartender sees this, and knowing he should mind his own business, can't help but introduce himself. The gets down to eye level with the first duck and says...

Quasimodo passed away

After years of hanging out in the bell tower, Quasimodo got drunk and careless and slipped over a rail, falling to his death one cold night.

The cathedral HR department put out a posting to get a replacement for him, but due to the eerie nature of the bell tower, they only got one response - ...

Three ducks walk into a bar...

The first duck walks up to the bar and the bartender asks "What's your name, what's your drink, and how was your day?" the first duck replies "My name is Bill, I'll have a rye and coke, and I had a GREAT day! I was in and out of puddles all day! Splashing around, gettin' wet, having fun!"
The se...

I was afraid that I had stepped on my child's hamster this morning...

... but laughed when I double checked. I had just tripped on a little puddle of blood and fur.

Military ranks

GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.

COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a spe...

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so a duck walks into a bar...

so a duck walks into a bar at 11am aand sits down. The bar keep comes over and says "what will it be? the duck replies " I will have a double whiskey on the rocks" the bar keep is suprised and asks "what's your name and what have you been up to all day? the duck replies "my name is huey, and I have ...

My dad's coworker brought his dog to the job site yesterday...

My dad is a construction foreman. Yesterday he told me about a co-worker that would bring his dog with him to work everyday. The dog was a sweet pup that spent most of the day sleeping in his truck. Yesterday when the refueling trucks came out refill the tanks on the earth movers, the dog got out of...

An old Saint's joke

A Cajun died and went to hell.
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later, surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as swea...

A man forgets his wife's birthday.

He rushes to the grocery store after work, barely making it in time, and buys chocolate and a card. Unfortunately, as he walks out he drops all the stuff in a puddle and he can't go back into the store because it is now closed, so it just picks it up and makes his way home. When he gets home:
...

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(NSFW) A Blonde, A Brunette, and a Redhead in an Elevator

There's a blonde, a brunette and a redhead in an elevator, and going up to their floor, they see a white puddle in the corner. "Hey! That looks like cum," says the redhead. "Wow, it smells like cum too," says the brunette, putting her face up to it. The blonde sticks her fingers in it and shoves the...

There was a Scottish painter...

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoratio...

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My wife has an alcohol problem

Everytime I come home drunk, she's making a big scene. My friend Tom said I should just put 50$ into my pocket, so I did.

Yesterday I came home drunk as fuck and she was all raging again:

**She**: "Your shirt is a complete smelly puke puddle again, how am I going to get the puke stains...

Seasonal Jokes

Spring
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!
Summer
Q: What do you call a dog on the beach in the Summer?
A: A hot dog!
Q: Why do bananas use sunscreen?
A: Because they peel.
Fall
Q. How you mend a broken pumpkin?
A. With a pumpk...

Got this from theodd1'sout

Riddles are so stupid! Here's an example of one that only has one correct answer even though anything could be true:
Romeo and Juliet are at a party when a train strolls by and they are found dead next to a puddle of glass. Why are they dead?

Because they were both fish! The train vibratio...

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Topical Jokes (5/16)

Another day has gone by. And, of course, we now have a new set of jokes. Some of these are weirder but let's begin!

Inside int'l experts believe that Kim Jong Un may have two babies by two different women. In a quick response to the rumor, President Obama has appointed a new consul to North K...

A priest and a rabbi

are walking down the street when they notice a little boy playing on a puddle.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "hey, let's go screw that kid!". To which the rabbi replies, "outta what?!"

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A sticky situation

One day, a horse and a rabbit were playing on a farm, when all of a sudden, the horse gets stuck in a giant puddle of mud. Frantically looking for help, the rabbit decides to get the farmer's Mercedes, tie a rope around the horse, and pull him out. Finally, after an hour or so, the rabbit manages to...

Talking ducks

I was walking through town the other day and a man stopped me and asked whether I wanted to see his talking ducks. I decided to humour him, and went along.

I walked up to the first duck and asked "How was your day?"

"Not bad, just been in and out of puddles all day really" He r...

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So grandma is a bit pissed....

Little Johnny is taking a stroll with Grandma. Johnny sees money on the ground! He wants to pick it up. "Don't touch it!" shrieks grandma, "everything that lies on the ground is dirty, old and should be left alone."

Sad Johnny continues his walk with grandma. Grandma steps in a puddle and lo...

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A man is sitting in a bar...

A man is sitting in a bar having a beer. This other guy walks in, goes to the bar. He orders a shot of the special tequila and slams it down. He walks out to the building across the street, up to the roof, then jumps off and lands in the street on his feet. He walks back into the bar, orders ano...

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So a penguin's car breaks down...

It's a hot blistering day. Mr. Penguin just had a hard day at work, and desperately just wanted to get home, when he notices his car is making a strange sound.
*"I'd better bring this to the mechanics...this doesn't sound good."* He thinks to himself.

His car breaks down about 100 yards ...

How many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Frat boys don't screw in lightbulbs; they screw in puddles of vomit.

Painting a Church: My favourite joke

Bill, an unscrupulous painter, would often thin down his paint when hired to do a job, and pocket the money he'd save.

One day, the local church decided to do some long-awaited maintenance, and hired Bill for the job.

Bill gets to work, and after a good few hours, he's nearly done - as...

Three strings are going out drinking...

But sadly, they live in a world where strings aren't allowed to drink. They are tired of this lifestyle, however, and they want to have their drinks no matter what, so they head out to the local bars. At the first bar they come to, they try to be straight up about it. The strings walk up to the b...

So a penguin and a seal are in a car...

The penguin is driving. It's 105 degrees outside, and, being from the arctic, they want to get something to cool off. The seal suggests they get ice cream, so they find a nearby ice cream parlor. They're getting out of the car and the seal says, "Hey, something's wrong with the engine!" the penguin ...

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