UPJOKE
urinatemakemudpoolpeemuddleweeaddlepiddlepee-peewee-weewatermake watertake a leakboat

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up.

A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity and has his way with him.

The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pr...

A man stopped at a bar. He saw an elderly man fishing in a small puddle in front.

Interested, the man invited the elderly man into the bar and said, "Let me buy you a drink."

Inside he asked, "What were you doing out there?"

"Fishing."

"How much did you catch?"

"You are the seventh person."

Marsupials in Australia have been found drinking puddles of water with premium leaves from eucalyptus trees that have falling into them and enjoying it.

They believe it's some koala tea

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over and asked what he was doing. "Fishing", the old man said simply. "Poor old fool", the gentleman thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

He felt he ...

Puddles

A duck walks into a bar sits at the bar counter and orders a beer. The bartender seeing the duck is a bit surprised so after getting him his drink he asks the duck what brings him here.

The duck looks over and says well he’s had a rough day, you see says the duck I’ve met up with Jerry a fel...

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A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."



The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

A man is walking down a country road, and comes upon a mud puddle that covers the entire lane.

The lane is fenced in and the man must either walk through the puddle or turn back. As the man looks about for something to possibly bridge the puddle, he spies an old farmer on the other side of the fence.

The man hollers to farmer, “Hey farmer, how deep is this here puddle? I’ve a long ways...

A duck walks into a bar

The barman says "Good morning, whats your name?"
The Duck responds "Good morning, My name is Dewie"
The barman asks, "How has your day been?" As he pours the duck a drink
The duck responds "Great, ive been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"
The barman replies "Q...

The Magic Slide

Once upon a time, there was a magic slide that resided in a magical forest. If you shouted something while sliding down, you would land in a pile of whatever you had shouted.

One day, a man found the slide. As he slid down, he shouted "Gold!" and landed in a pile of gold.

Another man f...

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

A horse, a chicken and a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the ...

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A Rooster sees a cat fall in a puddle

The rooster falls into a fit of laughter, and can barely catch his breathe. The cat climbs out of the puddle and scolds the rooster saying "that was not funny at all." The rooster composes himself and says "Sorry, but do you know what a wet pussy does to a cock?"

How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.

2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half

3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.

4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.

5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

A guy fell in a puddle

Everybody was laughing but i have a dry sense of humor

A depressed shirt falls into a puddle.

"I guess I'll go hang myself."

A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house

He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.

'Is it moving?' they asked.

'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.'

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

What did the puddle of pee say to the guy standing in the puddle of pee?

Urine urine

I was out mowing my lawn...

I was out mowing my lawn. When I had to stop and refill the mower with gasoline.

The gas can broke and spilled gasoline into a puddle. I went to get some absorbent to clean up the mess but found the local stray cat had lapped up all that spilled gasoline.

I tried catch it, but it wen...

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A UFO crashes on a farm

A loud noise is heard outside of a remote farm house and startles a middle-aged farmer and his wife. The farmer walks out to see a UFO. He walks up to the UFO and find out the aliens are peaceful, completely naked and have fairly human bodies. The farmer attempts to communicate with them and the ali...

This is a joke my very Catholic grandma used to tell me: A little boy was walking past the church when he dropped his snack of crackers and cheddar in a puddle...

Angry at his misfortune, he loudly cursed, "Jesus Christ, God Almighty!!" The priest overheard and exclaimed, "What did you say, young man? You know it's a great sin to take the Lord's name in vain!" The little boy looked around frantically and responded, "Umm, I said my cheese and crackers got all ...

Three ducks walk into a pub

One rainy afternoon three ducks walk into a pub, waddle over to the bar and each jump up to sit on a stool. Having never seen this before, the bartender shrugged his shoulders and walked over to the ducks to take their order.

He approached the first one and said "Hi, how is it going today?". ...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

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2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

Puddles

A man walks into a bar one rainy day with 3 ducks. He places the ducks at the bar, then walks off. The bartender sees the 3 ducks sitting alone at the bar and decides to approach them. He goes up to the first duck, "hey steve, how you doing?" to which steve replies, "oh, i'm good, just been in and o...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They...

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A wealthy village man, Narendra Singh, is elected the leader of a group of villages in North India

He decides to give a victory speech to each of these villages. To do this, however, he realized he would need a secretary to introduce him and brag about how great he is, because it would look stupid if he did it himself. So he hires Mohan Nath, a highly respected member of his own village.

M...

The Last Fight

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. They saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

With their dwindling energy, they let out another strained cry for battle, and l...

It was getting close to my wife’s birthday. She was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked her what she’d like for her birthday. She sighed and said I’d like to be eight again...

On the morning of her birthday. I woke up early and made her a nice big bowl of coco pops. I then took her to for a special trip to Legoland. On the way home we stopped at McDonald’s where I got her a Happy Meal together we a special McDonalds balloon. We then went to the cinema where they were pl...

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub.

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There
standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman,
drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the
water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?
“Fishing” , replied the...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead arrive at work and get into the lift(/elevator for my friends in the US).

The brunette spots a white puddle in the corner and exclaims "ew, that looks like cum!"

The redhead bends down closer, sniffs and announces, "it smells like cum."

The blonde gets on all fours, licks it, thinks for a moment and states: "it's no-one from this building."

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are in an elevator

On the floor is a puddle of white liquid.

The brunette takes a close look at the puddle. "Looks like cum" she says.

The redhead leans down and smells the puddle. "Smells like cum" she says.

The blonde puts her finger in the puddle, then licks her finger. "Not anyone in this buil...

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A lion is walking through the Serengeti

Its the dry season so he’s ecstatic to find a mud puddle. He bends down for a cool sip, and as his tail goes up, a gorilla barges out of the bush and gives him the old Liberace. The lion rears back in surprise and anger.

Realizing his mistake, the gorilla runs off through the bush with the l...

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hol...

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HoverDildo™

A lady engineer working late one night at a robotics company suddenly got a million-dollar idea! She then gathered up some spare parts and got to work on her side-project.

The next day, she showed one of her colleagues what she had been working on - A high-tech sex toy she called the HoverDil...

A guy walks into a bar, takes off his hat and places it onto the counter. A duck jumps out.

The bartender asks, "Can I help you, sir?"

The guy orders a shot.

The bartender asks the guy if his duck friend wants anything, and the duck says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary."

"Oh! You're a talking duck!" the bartender says. "What's your name?"

"Houie," the duck says. <...

The religious painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the j...

A man is walking into a bar.

He passes an old, homeless man fishing in a puddle in the parking lot. He says, "you look like you could use a drink, come on in."
They sit down to a beer and shot of whiskey each. The man tries to make smalltalk with the homeless fisherman.
"catch anything yet?"
"you're the eighth."

Donald duck walks into a bar...

Donald duck walks into a bar to escape the rain and orders a shot of wild Turkey. The bartender hands him his shot and Sparks up a conversation with the duck.
"Hi Mr duck how is your day going," asks the bartender?
"Oh I'm doing good bartender. I'm in and out of puddles all day and living the ...

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Three ducks walk into a bar (NSFW)

Three ducks walk into a bar and order 3 beers. When the 1st duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, "Thanks man, my name is Huey." The bartender says "Nice to meet you Huey! How's your day been?" Huey replies "Man! I have had the best day ever... I have been in and out of puddles all day long. Co...

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[NSFW-ish] Three ducks walk into a pub...

...they go up to the bar. It isn't every day that ducks visit the pub so the barman says to the first duck, 'What's your name?'
'Davey,' says the duck.
'How's your day been?' asked the barman.
'Excellent! Been in and out of puddles all day.'
'oh that's nice.' says the bar...

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Horse and Chicken were standing in farmer Brown's yard. [Long]

Horse was standing in the biggest puddle of mud you ever did see, not paying attention to anything. Before he knew it, he had sunk up to his haunches and couldn't get out.
"Help me Chicken!" He cried. "Go get Farmer Brown to pull me out with his tractor"
"Can't!" Squawked Chicken. "Farmer Brow...

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A lion takes a drink in the Serengeti

So there’s this lion in the Serengeti and he goes to drink water from a puddle. It’s the dry season and he’s happy, so he’s there drinking the water with his tail in the air. All the sudden this gorilla comes out of nowhere from behind and gives him the old Liberachi. Then the gorilla takes off, and...

Can I sell kayak equipment if my dog peed on it?

Can I peddle a paddle if it's in a puddle of poodle piddle?

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

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A guy walks into a bar carrying 3 ducks......

He has one duck in his left hand, one in his right hand and one under his left arm. The bar is very empty and he is the only patron. He sits down sets his ducks on the bar and has a few drinks. The bartender doesn't say anything because he would rather a weird customer with ducks than no customers a...

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Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

Three women were returning to their Hungarian Village

When they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched, he stumbled and fell face down in a puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she could recognize him. However, his face was covered with mud and she could not tell. So she u...

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This is a long one that requires audience interaction. It’s always given me great return.

To preface this joke: you may alter the story as you see fit. Make it personal and use elements of your real life to make this a convincing story. The only key points that must be consistent will be highlighted in the text. The audience interaction will be italicized.

_________

The Cat...

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were waiting for an elevator.

On the floor, next to the elevator door, was a tiny puddle of milky liquid. The brunette notices it first and says,
"Oh my God, that looks like semen."
The redhead bends down and sniffs,
"Oh my god, this smells like semen."
The blonde gets down on one knee, dips her finger in it, and st...

A guy walks into a bar with three ducks

The bartender says "sir you can't bring those ducks in here" the man says "but you don't understand these are talking ducks and are very rare" the bartender doesn't believe him so the man bets him a free drink that he can prove it, the man says he will go to the bathroom and the bartender can speak ...

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A kid fell in a puddle!

Wanna hear a clean joke?

He took a bath with Bubbles!

Wanna hear another dirty joke?

Bubbles was the girl next door!

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I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: "5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks"

"Ducks can't talk" says I.

"5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise"

"You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks"

I walk to the first duck "Hey duckie, how was your day?"

"Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"

"HOLY SHIT, They do tal...

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

T'was a wet and rainy Christmas eve...

...when santa landed on our roof.

The slippery condition were quite treacherous,

as a reindeer missed its hoof.

Santa and his reindeers came sliding down.

I would've laffed if it was a clown.

One by one, they got tangled in the lights,

and came crashing down...

I live in a small town and we only have two police officers

Yet I was still unlucky enough to be pulled over.

There I was, lying face-down on the pavement in a puddle of my own puke with a bottle next to me, car door open.

'hey there, having a good night I see. could you please stand up for me sir?'

I obliged.

'right. Now I'm goi...

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so a duck walks into a bar...

so a duck walks into a bar at 11am aand sits down. The bar keep comes over and says "what will it be? the duck replies " I will have a double whiskey on the rocks" the bar keep is suprised and asks "what's your name and what have you been up to all day? the duck replies "my name is huey, and I have ...

A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.

-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggern...

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A Redditor got bored and decided to try an experiment...

There was a case of Coca Cola in the corner of the basement, next to a case of store-brand Cola. He decided to test the effects of each on the ants that infested the basement. He spilled a small puddle of each on the floor and watched as the ants crowded around the sugary liquids. At some point the ...

Two men are walking to the market together

The first man says to the other, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't get a frog and eat it." The second man takes the offer and picks up a frog from a puddle on the way. He eats it and receives $5. As the two continue walking, the second man decides that he should get the first man to do something ...

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A magic frog is hopping through a forest.

The forest is so big, he's not seen a single animal since he left his birthing puddle. One day he sees a bear chasing a rabbit and he stops them. "As you are the first living things I've seen in a long time, I will grant you each 3 wishes."

The rabbit takes a moment to think, but the bear blu...

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A man walks into a bar with 3 ducklings. [long]

A barman standing behind the bar at his pub cleaning up glasses when a man walks in with 3 ducklings. The man sits down and asks if he'll watch the ducks while he makes a call, barman says sure and off he goes.

Barman stands there looking at the ducklings for a few seconds then jokingly asks ...

A guy walks into a bar with three ducks in a shopping bag.

He sits down and proceeds to take each of the three ducks out of the bag and stand them on the bartop. Then he goes to the restroom.

The bartender sees this, and knowing he should mind his own business, can't help but introduce himself. The gets down to eye level with the first duck and says...

A duck walks in to a bar

A duck walks in to a bar, sits on the bar stool and says "My names Splish, I've had an amazing day, I've been in and out of puddles all day! I'll have a large beer please", to which the bartender looks in amazement. Absolutely baffled at the situation, the bartender makes the beer and sits back in d...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

Three ducks walk into a bar...

The first duck walks up to the bar and the bartender asks "What's your name, what's your drink, and how was your day?" the first duck replies "My name is Bill, I'll have a rye and coke, and I had a GREAT day! I was in and out of puddles all day! Splashing around, gettin' wet, having fun!"
The se...

An old Saint's joke

A Cajun died and went to hell.
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later, surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as swea...

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A man goes to a brothel.

A man goes to a brothel. Broke, he ask for their cheapest pricing. The madam respond, "there's a girl who will go for $30."

The man opens his wallet, revealing just a couple dusty coins. Reluctantly he says, "Any cheaper?"

"Well there is... just one. It might not be the best but she ...

What do you get when you hit a poodle with a bulldozer?

A puddle

An Irishman sees an old man standing in the rain outside of a pub...

As the man gets closer he notices that the old man has a stick in his hand with a piece of string on it, and is waving it around in a puddle.

The man feels bad for the old codger and offers to buy him a pint.

"thank you!" replies the old man, and the two walk inside the pub.
As they...

Jesus and Moses

One day, Jesus and Moses are chilling in heaven, and a stick falls from a tree.

Jesus picks up the stick and thrusts it into Moses' arms. "Hey Moses, how about you try to split that puddle of water over there like you did with the Red Sea?"

Moses takes the stick and heads over to the p...

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A caterpillar is looking at a flower bud [NSFW]

On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.
Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking...

A man went to the wishing well.

He wished for a superpower, any superpower at all.

The next day, he accidentally rammed into the wall, biting on the paint. He then dissolved into a sentient puddle, able to cover the places he moved around in paint.

"Whoa!" he said, changing out of that form. He rushed over to bite a...

Quasimodo passed away

After years of hanging out in the bell tower, Quasimodo got drunk and careless and slipped over a rail, falling to his death one cold night.

The cathedral HR department put out a posting to get a replacement for him, but due to the eerie nature of the bell tower, they only got one response - ...

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The farmer, his horse and his chicken.

A horse and chicken are best of friends, they play in the field all day long but after a bad storm the horse gets stuck into sinking mud and worries he is going to drown..

He cries for the chicken to help; who runs off to find the farmer. The farmer drives back with his BMW, throws a rope in...

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A nun is walking down a street...

...when she suddenly trips over and lands in a dirty puddle and gets covered head to toe in muddy water. Flustered she goes to the nearest house to ask to use their shower. She spots an open window and pops her head through. To her surprise she sees a man furiously masturbating on his sofa. The nun ...

Will & Quentin

There were two friends named Will and Quentin. Quentin hated his name so he went by the name Q. Both of these kids weren't nerds in any regard, but they were both ridiculed for their abnormalities. Will was 16 years old and still was only 5'2'' (a small height for a young man his age) and Q was hosp...

A priest and a rabbi

are walking down the street when they notice a little boy playing on a puddle.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "hey, let's go screw that kid!". To which the rabbi replies, "outta what?!"

Bob was a great guitarist

Until the day he stepped in a puddle while playing his Fender Strat, that was the moment he became a great conductor.

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A sticky situation

One day, a horse and a rabbit were playing on a farm, when all of a sudden, the horse gets stuck in a giant puddle of mud. Frantically looking for help, the rabbit decides to get the farmer's Mercedes, tie a rope around the horse, and pull him out. Finally, after an hour or so, the rabbit manages to...

My friend was a pretty good guitarist

But that one time he stepped in a puddle while playing his electric guitar on an old, badly grounded amp, he became a great conductor.

There was a Scottish painter...

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoratio...

3 ducks walk into a bar

3 ducks walk into a bar, the first duck called Bob, goes up to the bar and says "It's been a hard day give me one of your strongest"

The bartender says "What have you been doing all day?"

The duck responds saying " just normal duck stuff, going in and out of puddles all day" and then ...

Seasonal Jokes

Spring
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!
Summer
Q: What do you call a dog on the beach in the Summer?
A: A hot dog!
Q: Why do bananas use sunscreen?
A: Because they peel.
Fall
Q. How you mend a broken pumpkin?
A. With a pumpk...

Military ranks

GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.

COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a spe...

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