Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.

He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ."

The Priest replies "No son, you're not!"

So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ."

He says "No son, you're not."

The drunk says "Look I can prove it."

He takes the two Priests into the bar.

The bartender tak...

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

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An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”

​

The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”

​

While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a bu...

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

Husband: "No sweetie."

Wife:"I'm sure you would."

Husband: "Okay, I would"

Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

Husband: "Ya, I guess so."

Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No, she's left handed."

My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf

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My mom decided she would be happier as a man, so she got a sex change. We never saw her again.

She's transparent.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

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Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

'We have been over it again and again and again'

said my driving instructor pointing at the dead body

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the two lovers and hides in the bedroom to watch.

The woman's husband comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says "Dark in here."

The man says "Ye...

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A woman was cheating on her husband. Her son is curious what her mom and that stranger are doing so he hides in the wardrobe.

Suddenly the husband comes home. She doesn't know her son is already hiding in the wardrobe when she sends her lover in there.

Son: "Dark in here, huh?"

Lover: "Ye"

Son: "I got a baseball bat"

Lover: "So?"

Son: "You're going to buy it for 250$ or I'm going to blow...

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

What do you call a person who falls for something over and over again?

Oooh

We're no strangers to love

You know the rules and so do I

A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling

Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna...

I said it once and I'll say it again...

it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when a mechanic has sex with a girl and never sees her again?

Nut and bolt

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

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I'll never hire a dyslexic prostitute again!

There was no sex but I did get my socks cooked.

This morning I ripped 'afresh' and 'anew' from my dictionary.

&#x200B;

Tonight, I will kill again

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out. It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

Therapist: what was you biggest fear again?

Me: the kool-aid man

Therapist: oh yeah

Me: Oh No

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again

so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

I just had to put my dog down. I never want to do that again.

I'm going to work on my upper body strength.

"So... You're in trouble again."

Drink some cranberry juice.



"Not *urine* trouble...**YOU'RE** in trouble"

Please don't tell the joke about rabies again..

Last time it went viral.

You know those joke candles that you blow out, and a couple of seconds later they light up again?

Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them and. . .

I'm never smoking with illegal immigrants again!

I asked who had the papers and everyone ran.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor...

A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, t...

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My grandmother sat me down the other day and whispered conspiratorially in my ear that if she had her time again, she'd have spent it in Germany from around 1933.

I guess she's a gramma Nazi.

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

This is my 57th time posting this joke.

Did you hear Donald Trump is outlawing string cheese?

Yeah, I guess he wants to make America grate again.

They say Bernie is gonna run again in 2022

I guess he uses the same workout plan as me.

After america has been made great again Trump got a new slogan

"American't be better"

My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

How many people subscribed to r/ jokes does it take to change a light bulb?

7

&#x200B;

1 to get the light bulb, 1 to make a joke about getting a light bulb, 1 to put it in, 1 to make a joke about putting it in, 1 to make a joke about the situation, me to repost the joke, and 1 to break the bulb so we can start farming for karma again.

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself,

and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs again

I’m never again donating a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon.

They just take the money and run.

If Russia became the Soviet Union again

It would be the Soviet Reunion

The doctor told me he would let me walk again.

I didn’t believe him, but now I stand corrected.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...

I love to reiterate.

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A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry . Paddy consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves woul...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

The person who invented the USB drive is going to be lowered into his grave,

Then lifted back up, flipped over, and layed in again.

What did the father cow say to his daughter, when she came home late yet again?

You are an UDDER disappointment to this family young lady!

(I hit the spoiler on my last post, so just decided to remake it, sorry for the double post).

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets on a bus... [long]

A guy gets on a bus—

The only available seat is next to a nun.
I HATE nuns, he thinks. It’s the only available seat, so he begrudgingly sits down next to her.
After a few minutes, she runs her head ever so slightly and he can see her face.
She’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever ...

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, “Good god! They’re finally together!’

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, “...

I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again

I think it might be comatoast.

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Whats my age again?

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

Thanks to recession I'm back on my feet again.

The bank took my car.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I thought I’d surprise my new girlfriend after a recent movie talk we had. So, tonight when she came over, I had a Pornhub movie with a prostitute scenario on. She saw it, told me to never talk to her again, and stormed out.

I am starting to think she told me she likes “horror movies”...

Putting 'not' to the end of your usual joke makes your wife smile again

not

My wife said she would leave me if i suggested getting her tubes tied again...

But i think she's just ovaryacting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes flutter...

Where’s the bathroom again?

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes...

My great grandfather saw The Titanic and he warned everyone it would sink, but they all ignored him Time and time again he warned them

until they threw him out of the movie theater

What does a telegraph operator feel when he has to send the same message again?

Remorse.

Okay let's try this again. Here's a GREAT joke about a carriage that I heard a while back.

Yesterday I saw a horse-drawn carriage. The proportions were a bit off but the shading and linework were quite remarkable.

I don't think my wife will ever talk to me again.

Look, I have a great nostalgia for the 90s. I listen to the music all the time. And my favorite band of all time is Barenaked Ladies.

So, of course, that's what has been on my playlist on repeat. I can't help it, the songs are so catchy! I think though that she's had enough.

"I am so s...

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, not...

After once again being unable to pay my bill, the water company sent me a card this morning.

Get Well Soon

Anything can be fixed by turning it off and on again

Even the US government

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Since it’s so cold, my Ex has been trying to hookup with me again.

Just as predicted it’s a polar whoretxt.

When winter is finally over, the leaves on trees begin grow back again.

What a releaf.

People keep congratulating me on my wife getting pregnant again...

Now only if I could find the guy that did it.

One thing Sean Connery asked his wife to do once, but never again.

Sit on his face.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump has finally made one thing in America great again.

Saturday Night Live