Again Jokes - 134 Hilarious Again Jokes

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

Dead again..

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the cask...

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

Little Johnny strikes again

### Teacher: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?

### Little Johnny: None.

### Teacher: Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?

### Little Johnny: None!

### Teacher: Can you explain...

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to rep...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

An old joke, but relevant again

An American and a Russian are arguing over whose country life is freer. An American says: “I can go into the White House, bang my fists on the table and say that I don’t like the way the President of America runs the state.” The Russian replies: “I, too, can go into the Kremlin, slam my fist on the ...

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Wife strikes again but stronger than before!

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We had a wonderful system at the fire station:

Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets;

Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole;

Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks.

From now on, we're going to run this house the same...

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

Roe vs Wade is in the news again.

Right now, it's the two main forms of Houston transportation

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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , ...

I’m never playing videogames with Jesus Christ again…

… it took him 3 days to respawn.

Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?

Because he’s a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.

*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!

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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

Don't you dare hit that drum again!

If you do, there will be repercussions!

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologizes again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."

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Whats my age again?

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.

I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

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If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

My children were chewing on power cords again...

so I had to ground them. They put up some resistance at first, but firmly grasped the problem, and are conducting themselves properly now.

Vegans proven wrong again

If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food?

Check mate vegans

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

If the Mongol hordes ever invade again

Steppes will be taken.

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

A scientist walks into an AA meeting. “I’ve just invented a cure for alcoholism! Take one of these pills and you’ll never be a problem drinker again!”

An attendee replies: “What happens if you take two?”

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An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.

The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”

The mother, never having seen an elevator before, responded, “I have no idea."

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

After he got in, the wall...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again

It was the end of my Korea

When does it become socially acceptable for adults to build little hideouts out of pillows again?

When they’re in their forties

My wife fell in love with me again during covid-19

I guess you could call it stuck-home syndrome

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

Vegans again....

Vegan: 'That chicken had a family!'

Me: That's why I ordered the family size bucket. No one gets left behind!

Plus, I got free cole slaw.

I'll Never Buy Colgate Toothpaste Ever Again...

It says "guaranteed whiteness" after 2 weeks... It has been 4 weeks and I am still Asian.

My motto is, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Anyway, I don't give skydiving lessons anymore.

Why do vampires make the same mistakes over and over again?

Because they lack reflection.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Kevin McCarthy: Hold my beer.

"I'm sorry, Your Highness, but we can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again!" said the King's man.

The King, who was drunk, replied, "Let the horses try."

Two ancient priests are meeting again for the first time in years...

First Priest: "Greetings brother. I trust you have been well."

Second Priest: "I have. Though I must tell you, I am now in the service of a new god. He is greater and more worthy of worship than any of our old pantheon."

First Priest: "No way..."

Second Priest: "Yaweh."

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Little Johnnie Strikes Again

A new grade school teacher was trying to get acquainted with her class, by asking them what their parents did. She started with Billy, who said that his mother was a doctor.

"Very good, Billy," the teacher said. "Mary, I believe you're next."

Mary stood and said, "My daddy's a lawyer...

I want you to tell me the minute my invisibility cloak starts working again.

Have I made myself clear?.

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

Old Scottish joke I remembered that just became relevant again...

The head greenkeeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

'Haw', he shouted, 'Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it's got coo's pish in it!'

The go...

Leonardo DiCaprio has pledged to never watch the Titanic movie again ever..

Why you ask? Beacause it's turning 25 this year..

The bartender says: "Not you again"

Weatherman Phil Connors walks into the bar.

Happy Groundhog Day everyone!

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

After 5 years of repair work, I was happy to read that The Big Ben is working again.

Thanks to everyone that…worked around the clock.

"We've been over this again and again and again!"

said my driving instructor, pointing at the badger.

If I ever run into my ex again . . .

I hope I'm going 100 mph.

“Hey man, you hear about trump running again?”

“Yeah, apparently they haven’t caught him yet”

I saw my neighbour going outside again and again to check his mailbox.

When I asked why is he doing that, he replied - My computer says I have got mail.

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Little Johnny Strikes Again

A very Petty school teacher wanted to stump the children so she instructed them to use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence when she called on them.

The 1st student called said, "The sky is definitely blue."
With a smirk on her face, the teacher said... "No the sky is sometimes other colors. ...

Little Johnny strikes again.

So Johnny tells Mom.
“I was at the Playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Dadd...

What do you call it when someone calls you, forgets what they were going to say, calls you back and forgets again? [OC]

A boomerang.

Late again

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My boss has really been on my case lately. Today she asked me why I've already been late three times this week," the guy complains to the bartender. "What did you say?" the bartender asks. "I told her because it's only Wednesday," the guy replies.

With the world hating Russians again

The 80's have truly come back in fashion.

My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.

A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him.

\-"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked.

\-"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!"

\-"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?"

\-"Well,...

These Cthulu memes I've seen now and again, need to get some new material

All I ever see are Old Ones.

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Little Johnny again.....

So little Johnny sitting on a street corner playing with a mason jar full of a clear liquid. As he sits on the curb slowly tilting the jar back and forth watching the bubbles run he's noticed by the local preacher who walks over to check up on him. Good morning Johnny, what are you up to on this fin...

I was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door.

I banged on the wall and shouted, "For God's sake, keep it down!"

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Someone pooped in the water hole again.

Well shit.

When you tell a joke that's so funny that HR wants to hear it again.

Nothing to see here, carry on.

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Not again...

There was a boy who was born without a body, just a head. HIs mother searched far and wide for a doctor that could help him. One day she she was contacted by a specialist that promised he could attach a body to the boy. His mother was so excited and rushed to her son's room to tell him she had a ...

2 horses often get into a relationship, and then break up again. They also do repeat this cycle a lot

It isn'ta stable relationship

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

Never again giving money to those marathon charities

They took my money and ran away with it.

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Little Billy at it again (NSFW)

Little Billy wakes up early on Saturday morning to go play with his new dog... After looking for a while he finds the dog flat on his back, legs in the air!

Confused he runs and gets his father. His father realising that the dog has passed on thinks for a while on how he is going to break...

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I'm never going to my therapist again!

me: I'm afraid of communists

therapist: would you like to share more?

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Someone butt dialed me again yesterday.

It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

America is #1 again.

We're literally sick of winning.

"Don't call me a Necrophiliac ever again" he said while pulling up his pants.

She didn't reply.

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Flowers Again

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

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So my neighbor with the big boobs is outside, gardening topless again

I wonder if his wife is aware he does this

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$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come tog...

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

Sorry, it won't happen again!

Yo mamma is so ugly, when she brought a pig into Walmart, the manager said, "Get that pig out of here," and the pig said, "Sorry, it won't happen again!"

"I hear you just got married again."

Jim: "Joe, I hear you just got married again."

Joe: "Yes, for the fourth time."

Jim: "What happened to your first three wives?"

Joe: "They all died, Jim."

Jim: "How did that happen?"

Joe: "My first wife ate poison mushrooms."

Jim: "How terrible! And your sec...

Will the ex pop up again?

A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What have you been up to today?" the bartender asks. "Funny you should ask. My horoscope said that my ex would pop up today," the gal says. "I've been down at the river all day, and luckily, no sign of him so far."

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"

The silver-haired Marcie...

Everyone's stockpiling toilet paper again

I'm so desperate for toilet roll, I gave the neighbourhood kids the middle finger in the hope they TP my house.

What do you call a sentient bike that throws its rider off again and again?

A vicious cycle.

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He had a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again......back and forth....in and out.......She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end…

...her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can't park the car!!! You do it, you smug fucking asshole!!!"

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Oh to be 6 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he...

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I have a question again!

So my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate then burn them, But what the fuck do I do with the letters!?!?

Prawn again...

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other was called Christian. Life was good, except that the prawns were constantly being chased and threatened by sharks. Finally one day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm tired o...

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So someone stole my catalytic converter again...

I find that shit exhausting.

After spending twenty two years surrounded by criminals, I finally saw the light of day again.

I'm so glad I left my job at the sporting organisation.

I was going to make a social media platform called "Please Try Again Later",

but I figured Reddit would sue me for copyright violation.

A man walks into a bar

He orders a Martini, takes out the olive, puts it on the table and drinks it. Then he orders another one, again taking out the olive and drinking the Martini. And again, and again, and again…

At the tenth Martini, the bartender becomes curious and asks: “Why are you always taking out the oliv...

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The prostitute dressed again and said,

“It was a business doing pleasure with you.”

Here they are again my three problems:

forgetfulness, the thing and the other one.

The South will rise again...

...Because it has nowhere to go but up

I asked my wife " Why are there broken condoms all over the sofa again?"

She replied "Please call our children by their proper names"...

My email password has been hacked again

That's the third time I've had to rename my cat

This Halloween, I stopped the pranksters before they covered my house with eggs again.

We met up for negotiations and signed a trick or treaty.

The Doctor made me walk again...

Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill

Where’s the bathroom again?

Where’s the bathroom again?
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the...

What’s that song again?

I can’t seem to remember the name of that song. 10 % luck 20 % skill 15 % concentrated power of will? Something ?

"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.

"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"

Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."

Eleven girls and pregnant again

German lady had eleven children, all daughters, and all had names beginning with B - Barbara, Bertha, Bettina, Babette ... you get the idea.

Came the time to deliver her twelfth, and a couple of days after delivering another daughter, the nurse brings in a form to register the new child.
<...

What was the name of that old French singer again?

I keep forgetting.

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute na...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

They're vaccinating against bird flu again

Call it a rooster shot

My monthly delivery of Katie Perry's eggs turned out to just be something else again

I guess it's never really ova...

Yet again I bought a beetroot that punches avocados.

Back with another one of those guac clockin' beets.

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer’s, and all prison guards at Maxwell’s detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

Never again will I be the same.

I just read this somewhere"the best liar you know isn't the best liar you know".

"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace."

"Really? That old chestnut?

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Blonde Woman Wants To Look Young Again

A blonde woman heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

The milkman read the note, and thought there must be a mistake. He asked the women if she meant 2.5 gallons.

The blonde woman said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm go...

Murphy does it again.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new...

The barbershop finally opened again in the Netherlands!

While i was being cut an old man came in.

"Listen", he said. "I need someone to trim my sideburns. I can't do it myself anymore because i got so many wrinkles and shaky hands."

"No problem", said the barber. "You're not the first one with this problem old friend, just keep this small w...

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The colonel rides again...

There was a knock on the door and the colonel opened it to see a young woman standing there. “I don’t know if you remember me colonel ...”. “Course I do gel, you’re from the village, Jenkins’ daughter, went off to university, well done, what can I do for you”? “Well, I’m in my last year now, studyin...

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

No! It crashed again...

Roses are red;

Violets are blue

\-----------------------

ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

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A man is sitting on a flight from NYC to London

He feels a little cold, so he asks the cabin attendant for a blanket. The cabin crew completely ignores him. On the seat next to him is no other than a parrot. The parrot screams "get me a scotch on the rocks you stupid cunt". Not a moment passes and the parrot gets a nice glass of whiskey. The man ...

my wife and I planned an entire week of camping. After two days, we packed our stuff and went home. We will never do that again!

The entire situation was just two in tents.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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