UPJOKE
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Last Jokes

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

So I arranged a threesome last weekend

obviously there were 2 no shows, but we still had a good time.

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

Last night I had a dream that I was weightless..

I was like 0mg!

After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin

12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth

Got fired from Rolex after spending the last few months developing a 50-hour watch for them.

They really did not appreciate the extra hours I put in

My son asked me, “Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?” I smiled and said, “Sure..."

"But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

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My girlfriend kept going "Sssshhh" during sex last night.

I think she may have a puncture.

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An unpublished manuscript of Hemingway’s last novel has been discovered. It’s about a man in his seventies trying to learn programming.

The Old Man and the C.

Chuck Norris's password is the last 9 digits of pi.

Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice

Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar

Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.

Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without fac...

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...

Bob was struggling in the bedroom because he couldn't last as long as his wife.

He thought that maybe if he learned some French it would help.

But it didn't.

Then he tried learning German.

That didn't help either.

He tried Spanish, Portuguese, even Sweedish. Nothing worked.

Finally, he gave up. "It doesn't matter what language I lear...

Judas: Hey Jesus, you coming to the last supper?

Jesus: the what?

Judas: the supper…I mean are you coming to the supper?

The wife always has the last word in an argument.

Anything the husband says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

On her deathbed, Morton's wife had one last wish.

"Dearest Morton, when I'm gone I want you to go on and live your life to the fullest and meet someone new. I want you to give her my jewellry, my wedding ring, and my Parisian dresses."

"I can't do that.." says Morton. His wife insists, "Oh, but you must! You must!"

He replies, "No, I ...

I went on a trip to Chernobyl last week

It was rad

I was involved in a car crash last night.

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me that I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity...

But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

my friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour

It was a brief case

What's the longest-lasting thing made in China?

COVID-19

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My wife and I had sex for 3 straight hours last night…

We did some role playing. I played the doctor, she played the patient who was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

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I got 6 straight hours of sleep last night…

The other 2 were gay, but at least I woke up feeling fulfilled.

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A Sexy Girl in a Party Asked a Retired Army Colonel:When did you last have sex ?

Colonel:1955.

She Said: That Was So Long Ago ! Wanna Have Some Now ?

The Colonel Looked at His Watch: Sure, Why Not
Its Only 2130 !!!

Ill never forget the last thing my grandfather said to me before he died...

Are you still holding the ladder!!!

Platonic friendships are like chess. They're fun, engaging, and can last a long time...

but someone's always wondering "how many moves until mate?"

I came home from the bar the last night and was met by my wife asking, " WHAT DO YOU MEAN COMING HOME HALF DRUNK?!?!"

I said, "I ran out of money!"

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Congratulations to me! Just made my last mortgage payment. I'm having a huge party. Come on over.

BTW, I still owe them like $80 thousand, but fuck 'em.

I finally got around to reading Stephen Hawkins’s last book.

It was about time.

Did you know Yoda had a last name?

Layheehoo.

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Because Nintendo's beloved character is Japanese, Mario is his LAST name. His first name?

Itsume.

My can opener quit working last night.

Guess its a cant opener now.

What is Yoda's last name?

Yoda - Le Hee Hoo

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it?

A surname/last name

My neighbor got drunk last night and threw up in the elevator.

It was disgusting on so many levels.

Last night, I was mugged by 6 dwarfs.

Not Happy.

It is cloudy and snowing outside, and I just realized I ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge.

Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

I paid $30 for gas that would last for weeks

And when I finished eating at Chipotle, I stopped at 7 Eleven to fill my car up.

Last night I tried to read the dictionary in bed but didn't finish it.

I got up to p

What part of the body dies last?

The pupils, they dilate

I know I'm getting up in age now, but Ive always enjoyed going to antique auctions. The last one I went to...

I had three people bid on me!

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My printer died last night under suspicious circumstances.

Epson didn't kill itself.

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A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.

Pointing a knife at me, he barked.. 'your money or your life'!!

I told him that I was married ..so I had no money and no life.

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment!

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her,

“What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?”

Last week, My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her Wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

I got drunk last night and woke up next to a beast!

So I know I got home safely.

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Possible repost but... Why does a bride smile at her wedding?

Because she knows that she has given her last blowjob.

Tickled my little sisters foot last night and mom went crazy about it…

Something about waiting until she’s born

Made love to the wife last night, just like they do in the movies.

I was fast, she was furious.

Our local fire station burned down last night.

Someone must've left the irony on.

The last last time I had a threesome with my wife and my buddy…

The last last time I had a threesome with my wife and my buddy, I told her, "I have a friend in you." Yeah, that's why it was the last time.

I used to be a member of the Secret Vegetable Association Cult. But i was banished last week

Because i spilled the beans

I had a dream last night about a nocturnal horse

Well, it was actually more of a night mare.

Co-worker: "I love British last names,"

Co-worker: "Did you know, most British last names are derived from professions or places of origin?"

Me: "Middleditch."
CW: "..what?"
Me: "Cumberbatch."

CW: ".. stop!"

Ate some weird mushrooms last night and somehow ended up in a Mazda car sales yard tripping like crazy....

Shroom Shroom.

Last night I watched the uncut version of the film Scarface.

It was called Face.

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I told my wife that if the last thing I ever did was make love to her, I'd die a happy man.

Now every time we have sex she tries to strangle me.

A couple decided to enter a local cooking competition. He did very well in the sausage category, but she got last place with chicken.

Together, they made the best wurst and the worst breast.

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Last bullshit of the year. Have you ever heard of the greatest chinese cowboy

His name was Yee Ha

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse.

At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.

Last week I was so constipated....

I tried prunes and other home remedies with no relief. I was about to buy a rectal suppository but then I remembered an old friend who was a proctologist....

...and with friends like this who needs enemas.

Why did you leave your last job?

It was something my boss said.

What did he say?

You're fired.

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Jesus walks into the last supper

And sees all his apostles tucking into a huge Indian takeaway with all the sides and plenty of beers……

Jesus turns to Peter and says “where the fuck did all this come from?”

Peter says “Oh Judas paid for it, he’s just ran into a load of money”

I bought a piano from Connecticut last week but I had to return it.

The middle C was silent.

28 years ago I kicked a pregnant woman for the last time.

Today's my birthday

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

Life is like a box of chocolates

**It doesn't last long for fat people**

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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club....

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks...

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What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a wind shield?

It’s asshole.

I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.

I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere.

Last night I had a date with a dyslexic hooker...

She offered to cook my socks for $50.

Last night I paused the film to make a cup of tea.

I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.

I went to a boring haunted house last night.

Nothing really jumped out at me.

I accidentally ate my cat's food last night

Don't ask meow

Met a guy at the bar last night who looked a bit down

I asked him “what’s up man you look a bit down”

He said “I’ve just be diagnosed with the big C”

I said “Cancer?”

He said “No dyslexia”

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What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when they hit your windshield?

Their ass.

My pet mouse Elvis died last night.

He got caught in a trap.

Why do January 6 deniers never last very long in Dungeons & Dragons campaigns?

They always fail their Constitution checks.

Last night I was at a Christmas party

Everyone was feeling Merry…….so she left

A man is on his deathbed addressing his young wife for the last time

"My darling wife, you are the love of my life and our bond is eternal. I don't want you to be with any other man after I'm gone. Will you promise me that?"

"Yes, of course", the wife replies with tears in her eyes.

"If you break this promise, I will roll over in my grave."

"You ...

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I was let down by a pickup line in a club last night.

I walked up to a girl at the bar and said, 'Hey, I'm bisexual, let me buy you a drink and then we can get sexual?'

I was rather disappointed when she turned around and replied, 'No, your bi-curious, you can go buy me a drink and when you come back, you can wonder where the fuck I've gone.'

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Who came up with the phrase “nice guys finish last”?

A sex therapist

I bought my cousin, who is blind, a cheese grater last Christmas.

He said it's the most violent book his ever read.

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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.

We were drinking, chatting, laughing and having a good time.

Then, she asked me flirtatiously...

"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet."

She drank a littl...

A blonde bought some water skis last year but has yet to try them out.

She's still looking for a lake with a hill.

Last year I made seven figures.

And that’s why I got sacked from the action figure factory.

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

A burglar broke into our house last night…

I didn’t fight back, I just put the red laser dot on his forehead and the 3 cats did the rest.

(Copied from a comment I saw to funny not to share since this whole sub is reposts)

I was getting the Xmas decorations down from the attic when i found a present i forgot to give last year.....

Shame, as the kids would have loved that puppy.

The last wish

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor, and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.

He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin.

He told them that he wanted ...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.

Dave: Oh yeah? What’d you see?

Sam: We’ll it’s kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get naked.. I mean that could only mean one thing..

Dave: Which is?

Sam: Exactly

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2 guys are down to their last 10 bucks....

Its a friday and theyre hungry but wanna get drunk too. So guy1 tells guy2, "Hey i got an idea, lets get a sausage and ill put it in my pants. Then pretend to give me a blowjob after we order our drinks!" So guy 2 agrees and go the first bar. Bartender asks what theyll have and they both respond a ...

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Can everyone in this sub please brighten my day up a bit? My parrot died last night.

His last words were "Oh fuck, I think my parrot is dying!"

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest reads them their last rites, then the king orders the executioner to kill the physicist.

The executioner offers the physicist two choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The physicist replies, "I spent my whole life studying t...

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ...

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist.

Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.

I went through airport security and the alarm went off

The TSA agent asked if I had any metal on me.

I said hell yeah I do, pulled out a Metallica CD and slammed it on the table.

I was detained and strip searched but it was worth it.

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?

My neighbour came banging on my front door at 2 o'clock in the morning last night...

can you believe it... 2am in the morning!! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

The last season of The Brady Bunch wasn't very good

They lost to the Cowboys.

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

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Last year I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!

At first I was afraid...

Employee on NSFW Sites...

Boss: What have you been working on the last few hours?


Employee: A graphic display of convergent asynchronous load distribution.


Boss: The tracker flagged you on bukkake sites.


Employee: I stand by my previous statement.

On my mom's death bed, she exclaimed she was probably going to Hell & asked if I had any last words for her

I told her ... put in a good word for me.

Got bit by a Vampire last night.

Good, now the wife can't say not to quit my day job ...

After last night, I took a solemn vow to give up drinking for good

From now on, I will only drink in the name of evil.

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Why are Japanese people so skinny?

The last time there was a fat man, an entire city blew up.

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Last winter I was at work...

Last winter I was at work and my wife text me saying "Windows frozen". I sent one back saying "Pour lukewarm water on it". A few minutes later she text back saying "The computer's completely fucked now."

I had a dream last night that I was vacuuming with the Grim Reaper

I was Dyson with death

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

Imagine if your cell phone battery was on ten percent and it lasted for eight days..

Congratulations. You understand Hanukkah.

So after a great date last night the girl said her place was far away and hinted about her "options" for tonight...

So I was like: " You know, I actually live right around the corner... so I can easily show you which night bus you should take"

Banned from the grocery store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

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Last night, I tossed and turned as I had a dream that a giant grizzly bear ate me and I passed through its entire digestive tract.

I woke up feeling pooped.

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I recently did some stand-up comedy in a pub, My mate asked me how it went. "Brilliant," I replied, "It was better than sex." He laughed and said, "Is it because you actually heard a few groans?"

"No," I replied with a smile, "I lasted two minutes"

As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests.

My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging

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I was drinking in the bar last week and 2 twins were giving me “the eye”

I bought them each a few drinks and convinced them to come back to my house. I was having a hard time remembering who was who and didn’t want to call them by the wrong name. Then I figured out how to tell them apart. Sherry was the one with the Dolphin tattoo and Terry was the one with the penis.

found on an e-mail from2004 from my uncle who has sinced passed r.i.p. jack!(long,somewhat nsfw)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

I keep hearing my accountant's disembodied voice wanting to check the last 5 years of my tax returns.

I think I'm having auditory hallucinations.

There's an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man...

They're all stranded on this Desert Island. The cannibals come and say "right you're coming back with us and we are going to skin you and turn you into canoes"

So... they arrive at their camp and the cannibals say "before you're killed you each get one last request"

The scots man is fi...

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Bob felt tired all the time, so he decided to go to a doctor to check what causes it.

"Okay Bob, could you describe to me how a normal day looks for you?" asked the doctor.

"Well, the first thing I do when I wake up is fuck my wife.

Then I take a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, and fuck my wife. Then I brush my teeth and fuck my wife before going to work.

...

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The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a screwdriver.

Turned a few heads.

elon musk, tiger woods, the pope and a college student are on an airplane …

the plane is going down, the pilots bailed, it’s going to crash.
there’s 4 of them and only 3 parachutes …
tiger woods says “i’m the best golfer in the world, i think i should get a parachute.”
everyone agrees, tiger woods takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
elon musk says “i...

Every Christmas, my mom sends me out on a wild goose chase whilst she wraps all the presents, but I told her that this was the last time.

I don't care what she says, next year we're having store bought turkey like everyone else.

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

Car pulls up. Guy rolls the window down. "You got any coke?" Me: "Is Pepsi OK?" Dude shot me in the leg.

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

You've heard of/seen the movie The Last of the Mohicans...

But have you heard they are making a prequal trilogy?


They're doing it a little like Memento where each movie will be further back in time. So, for example the first prequal movie takes place right before the original, then the next before that, then the last one will start the whole thi...

Last year I entered the New York City marathon.



The race started, and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied, "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.<...

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A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

Be careful about drunk driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit...

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The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having sex into the early hours of the morning.

I would've asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends.

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An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub…

… and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less...

I still remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...

I sure hope this isn't the bucket that kills you after you kick it!

I was planning to take Astrophysics as my last college course but it turns out to be full. So I have to take some other course to graduate.

It’s…not Rocket Science.

I don't like people who make "I didn't sleep last night" their entire personality

They are tiring to be around

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

Where were you last night already?

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted t...

I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed... "Anyone know CPR?"

I said hell I know the entire alphabet.
Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an opening for an assassin in the CIA

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the ci...

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