UPJOKE
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My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Shaking my head. “Dude, you were there!”

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach, last night?"

"I have to do that, or daddies stomach gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work. "

"Why not?"

"Because Tina the babysitter, keeps blowing him back up again."

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!

The student has become the teacher.

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were

I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids

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Hip-fucking-hip-hip-hooray for me! Just made my last mortgage payment.

Don't get me wrong, I still owe like $187,000, I'm just not paying any more.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

Last week I was on a date with a girl and it was going pretty well till she said "What I really want is a guy who will treat me like a Princess."

So I hired some Paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car crash.

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A girl I met last night told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow...

Found out later, she meant trout, not Skittles.

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What's the last thing you want to hear when you're giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

"I'm not Willie Nelson"

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."<...

Two friends, dead drunk, are on their way home, one says to the other, go up to my house for the last drink...

They enter the house, the owner of the house asks his friend not to make noise, so as not to wake his wife, and goes to the kitchen to get beers.
Meanwhile, the friend left alone, hears noises coming from the bedroom, looks out and takes a peek into the bedroom, sees his friend's wife in bed wi...

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I will never forget my grandpa’s last words

He said, “quit shakin the ladder you little shit!”

I knew she was the one for me, and after 6 months of pursuing her, last night she said those three little words.

That's him, officer!

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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.

We were drinking, chatting, laughing and having a good time.

Then, she asked me flirtatiously...

"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet."

She drank a littl...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

What were James Brown's last words?

I don't feel good

I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I’m okay.

Why did it take up until last year for Volkswagen to finally manufacture electric cars in the United States?

Because it took them awhile to get the bugs worked out

Met a dyslexic woman last night in a club ending up taking her home.

She ended up cooking my sock.

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

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A dying man's last wish

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomically low

I made a belt out of watches last week.

It was a waist of time.

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

I organized a threesome last week.

There were a couple of no shows, but I did alright.

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.

That’s the last time we try knife throwing.

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I went to bed with 2 girls from Thailand last night.

It was amazing, it was like winning the lottery.

We had six balls between us.

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I was drunk at a club last night

Saw this gorgeous girl dancing with her friends, and full of drink and bravado I managed to stumble up to her and said, “Duck my sick”

She laughed at me and said, “I think you mean ‘suck my dick’”

I then threw up all over her and said, “Nope”

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

If I followed the advice to live every day as if it's my last,

the body count would be astonishing.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself:

Where the heck did the ceiling go?

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I was in bed last night with my wife

I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse."

I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.

didn’t know you had a vasectomy last year…

I kid you not.

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I had sex for three hours last night. We role-played as doctor and patient,

and I was in the waiting room for two hours and 58 minutes.

I was drinking with my buddy and told him “My wife and I had a fight last night. She went historical on me.”

Buddy: Did you mean ‘hysterical’?

Me: No. She went historical. She brought up all my past mistakes.

A spider crawled into my keyboard last night...

He is still in there. I have him under control.

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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night, he hypnotized 7 guys then he accidentally dropped the mic on his foot and yelled “FUCK ME”,
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

oof.

I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.

I made a joke in my dream last night and I still think it's funny.

I was staying at my grandmother's house, and there were wasps in my guest room. Went to the kitchen and informed her. "Are there a lot of them?" She asked.

"There's so many wasps that they're starting a country club!"

Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.

Dave: Oh yeah? What’d you see?

Sam: We’ll it’s kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get naked.. I mean that could only mean one thing..

Dave: Which is?

Sam: Exactly

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Last day on the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

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I put my mobile phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in its place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

Harry's local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen.

Police are currently combing the area for clues.

I watched this documentary last night on mushrooms

I think that's how I'm going to watch all of them from now on.

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "The book I borrowed last week was just awful. It had absolutely no plot, and the vocabulary was too complex!"

The librarian calls into the back room, "Hey, we found the lady who took our dictionary!"

I met a man today that will be the last person to let me down

He is an undertaker

I went to a joke party last night

Too many people were there; I couldn't even reach the punch line.

I was in a restaurant last night

when the waitress shouted "Anyone know CPR"? I said "I know the whole alphabet". Everyone laughed except one guy.

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

Did you know that antivaxxers don't last as long in bed?

Especially if the bed is in a hospital.

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

I live in a poor neighborhood. Last week, I got my bike stolen

Because I couldn’t afford to buy it.

My friend David lost his id last night.

Now he’s just Dav.

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So Hitler dies and meets God...

God: You know a lot of people died because of you, I have to send you to hell

Hitler: Can I have one last wish first?

God: Sure, why not

Hitler: I want you to kill ten thousand Jews and two Greeks

God: Why two Greeks?

Hitler: See? Even you don't give a fuck about t...

I had a really tasty vegan steak last week.

Changing the subject, anyone know a good lawyer for defending a murder case?

A bug hit my windshield, I know the last thing that went trough its mind.

His guts

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I got a BJ last night

My dad and I have a close father and son bond, but after last night he hates me. I told my dad that I got a BJ that night, and he was at first so proud and happy for me. Well, until i said it tasted funny, now he fucking hates me. I don't understand.

A duck walks into a store...

He shouts at the proprietor, "Hey! Got any duck food?"

The store proprietor answers, "No, we don't."

The next day, the duck returns, and asks, "Hey! Got any duck food?"

The store proprietor says, "I told you yesterday, we don't have any duck food. Now please leave."

The n...

My wife tried to kill herself last night. I heard noise coming from the garage in the middle of the night so I went to check it out. The car was running with the garage door closed, and she was in the driver's seat crying hard.

This is the last time I buy a Tesla.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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A man goes to his doctor to get the results of his last week's analyses.

Man : "... are you all right Doctor ? You seem very pale"

Doc : "..I...I... I just went to get your results and.... and...it seems the coffee machine won't be fixed until next weekend¨!"

Man : "Oh! Whew! I thought you were like this because of my results :)"

Doc (suddenly angry)...

Know what they called the Russian Ruble last week?

Currency

Stephen Wilhite, one of the lead inventors of the GIF, passed away last week at the age of 74

Jodspeed, Stephen.

I had a dream I was driving a Ferrari last night...

I was fast, asleep.

I told my wife I'd pick up Burger and Chips on the way home from work last night.

I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

Two men are playing golf when one realizes he's left his jacket at the last tee He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.

"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

I was a little late with my dog’s dinner last night.

Yeah…he gave me a negative “yelp” review.

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandpa’s dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

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A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

The last time I went clubbing was a disaster

They played The Macarena, so I did the Macarena.

They played Stomp, so I did the Stomp.

They played Come on Eileen and I got kicked out

Went for a Chinese meal last night.

Great ambiance, but the lights were too bright in the restaurant.
So, the manager decided to dim sum.

I had a wet dream last night about dogs...

Talk about coming in my boxers.

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The founding fathers were having a discussion about the originations of their last names

"I wonder if someone in my family ran a laundry business" mused George Washington, "that may be the reason"

"I suppose mine is more boring, at some point there must have been a Jeffer son", said Thomas Jefferson.

"I don't like this game", said John Hancock

I experienced my first mugging last night...

I got a little banged up, but at least I now have some beer money!

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My printer died last night under suspicious circumstances.

Epson didn't kill itself.

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I had sex for one hour and six seconds last night!

A special thanks to daylight savings

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Onomastics is the study of last names, and the connection to their thing. Like how Smith's used to be makers, or Gardners used to care for plants and vegetables, or Yorks come from the town of Yorke....

I don't think I want to know what the backstory is for the Dickensons...

When the human body dies, what's the last part to die?

The pupils. They dilate.

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night

Especially since I walked there

The interviewer asked me what I’d been doing for the last 3 years

“Yale” I replied

He thought this was wonderful and he offered me the position

I replied “That’s fantastic. I really need this yob”.

A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me at a bar last night.

On a completely unrelated note, I really suck at darts.

Bought loads of herbs last month still haven't paid for them.

Hope they don't send the bay leafs round.

Last night I was walking home and decided to take a shortcut past the cemetery…

When a group of spiritualists walked up to me and explained that they were too afraid to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me.Then I told them “I understand, I also used to be freaked out too when I was alive”.

I’ve never seen anyone run that fast!

I was at a Polish wedding last night...

I don't know who this Jim Dobray guy is but I must look just like him. He must be a great guy too! Everyone was so happy when they came up to me and called me his name.

Two women were fighting for the last available seat on the bus.

No amount of reasoning was helping the bus driver resolve the issue. In desperation he grabbed his training manual and announced:

'The policy is to allow the seat to go to the uglier one.'

Both women stood for the remainder of the trip.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

There was a murder in Gotham last night. Police Commissioner Gordon told Batman some elaborate conspiracy theories,

But it's more likely that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

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Last night I dreamt about having diarrhea, but when I woke up…

… that’s when shit got real

I had two opposite opinions at my last hospital appointment

It was a pair o' docs.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes,...

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", then he pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna have to stop you right there."

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

The Lone Ranger’s Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"...

What I Yoda’s Last Name?

It’s “Lei he hoogh”

YODA LEI HEE HOOGH

The last joke I heard from my grandfather before he passed away. Paraphrased because it was so long ago. Still my favorite joke.

You know, I wasn't always the strong Christian man I am today. I was a little wild before I met your gram, but we all have club stories, right? Some better than others, but they're all an important part of our history. Anyway, one night I went out to a club. It was a weeknight, so it wasn't like it ...

What were the gun instructor's last words?

"Never do *this*"

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My uncle gave me some really good advice last night...

Me: “Jim, I dropped my phone onto the kitchen floor yesterday. It seems to be working fine mostly, but it’s a little slower than usual. What should I do ?”

Jim: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Me: “Also, my wife has barley spoken a word to me lately, but we’ve been having non-stop...

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John Travolta was admitted to a hospital with COVID symptoms last Sunday.

It was just a Saturday Night Fever.

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

The last big fight my mom and I had was because she said I had no sense of direction.

After that, I packed up my stuff and right.

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They didn’t draw a dick on your face at last nights party…

..they traced it.

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

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A women decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.<...

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know h...

Husband: Last night, you used abusive language on me when you were asleep

Wife: That was your imagination

Husband: What imagination?!

Wife: That I was asleep

All of the staff at the CoCo pops factory were murdered last night

They say it was the work of a Cereal Killer.

My dad died last night...

He died because we couldn't get his blood type for a blood transfusion. It was awful, and I honestly don't know how to cope rn. I'm just holed up in my room, crying. I haven't slept yet and don't know if I can because I keep on seeing his face.

We were there with him as he was passing. It was...

Two wifi antennas got married last Thursday.

The reception was fantastic!

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Last night my wife wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

And she wanted me to drive

My wife and I were arguing last night....

.... She was so mad, she said "one more word from you and I'm not going to speak to you for a week".

"Promise?"

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The bloody dog ran off last night...

I walked round the park calling his name for 30 mins & still couldn't find him, my wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the fucking dog.

30 years into marriage and last night, my wife and I went at it like two youngsters. At the end of round one I've asked her - do want to go again?

She replied - why not?

I said : how does the 30th of may sounds to you?

I made a lamb curry last night

It didn’t go down well, turns out they prefer hay

I found my first grey pubic hair last night.

Last time I ever eat Grandma's Christmas dinner

A husband and wife's last child goes off to college...

The husband's friend asks him what it's like having no kids around.

"It's awful," the husband says, "my wife now treats me like one of the kids. She's started picking out my clothes. She's tries to give me baths. At the grocery store she slaps my hand any time I reach for something!"

"...

I binged avatar: the last air ended last summer.

Some episodes gave me real Aang-xiety!

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I went for a job interview last week

The guy asked me what my biggest weakness is. I said I'm too honest.

He said "I don't think that's a weakness"

I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"

I cared for my sick dad in his last days, and I'll never forget his last words

"I think those were the wrong pills Billy."

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus.

He approaches the bar tender and says "I bet you a drink that it can play any instrument."

The bartender agrees and walks behind the bar returning with a trumpet.

The octopus examines the instrument for a minute and suddenly begins playing the instrument as good or better than Miles Da...

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

A man wishes on a genie, that every day for the next 3 months be better than the last.

so the genie breaks his arm.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.....

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leath...

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What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?

Its ass.

I remember my Grandpa’s last words before he kicked the bucket…

He said “Wanna see me kick that bucket?”

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I picked up a blind prostitute last night

You've got to hand it to her ...

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the security camera , then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we ...

After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because...

...they dilate!

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Bud...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the bloody pram.

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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and...

The Wife caught me on the Internet last night. She said “ What are you looking for “.?… “Cheap Flights” I said….and she started jumping around all excited like…..

Which I found rather strange,, she’s never shown any interest in darts before.

Selling coffins must be a hard job.

It's the last thing any of us need.

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?

"Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."

Me and the wife went to a bank-robber themed fancy dress party last night.

Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.

When I was a kid some guy said he slept with my mom last night. I told him he was a liar, cos I slept with my mom last night.

Looking back, I now realize what I said

If you have trouble lasting long in bed, try doggy style,

Because 2 human minutes is 14 dog minutes!

I did my first stand up routine in Chernobyl last night

I got glowing reviews

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

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My girlfriend left me last week, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/nudes.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble

And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab.

So he walked all the way to the airport ...

I met a woman last week who said she wanted a guy who's funny and spontaneous

Yet when I tapped on the window late at night wearing a clown suit it was all panic and screaming.

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My favourite Pornstar died last night.

I woke up with mourning wood.

I went on a couple of dates last week at the local supermarket.

The grocer was outraged, and said I destroyed his fruits.

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I took my new girlfriend camping for the first time last weekend.

The sex was in tents.

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Where did you last have sex?

A man calls into a radio station contest to win two tickets to Hawaii. He gets through and the DJs tell him the rules. The DJs are going to ask him a question and then call his wife and ask her the same question. If their answers match then the couple win the tickets. The man acknowledges the rules ...

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