I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

One night last year I was about to propose to my roommate

One night last year I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say...

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

Be a considerate lover

Nice guys finish last

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words.

“Hey! Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!”

As long as I live I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me...

GODDAMMIT BOY BE CAREFUL THAT THING’S LOADED!

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a competition to find who could last the longest without masturbating.

I came first.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did

So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her

I said- "Back in 02."

It sounds much better than "February"

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I woke up to look with him.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I don’t last long in bed.

I told her, “If you change your mind, call me. I’ll come right away.”

Last Name Only

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.



“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.



“John,” the new guy replied.



The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you work...

I couldn't sleep last night..

.. because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

My dad died this day last year because we didn’t know his blood type to get a transfusion..

As he was dying he kept saying “be positive” but it was just so hard without him :/

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.

When the dad gets home the parro...

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months

my wife is up to three packs a day

I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, I'm okay

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys picked a fight with me in a bar last night. I managed to knock one out.

Sure, it was a strange time to masturbate, but I didn't know if I was going to survive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone broke into my house last night.

They stole everything except my towels, soap, deodorant, and shampoo!

Dirty Bastards

I go mugged by six dwarves last night.

Not happy.

I smashed up my keyboard and couldnt find the last key

I lost Ctrl

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

The most common name in Vietnam can be used as both a first and a last name

I guess for them, it’s a Nguyen Nguyen situation

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen tim...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grief counselor passed away last night

Luckily he was so good I didn't give a shit

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

Last night I watched a documentary on heroin...

Which really is the best way to watch a documentary.

I had a dream last night where I was drowning in an ocean made from orange soda...

It took me a while to figure out that it was a Fanta sea.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 24 year old Instagram model last night. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon scent or vanilla.

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, “You don’t have much experience removing bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joke I dreamed I made last night

A Navy SEAL, a police officer, and a firefighter go into the local pub. While enjoying their drinks, they manage to get on the topic on who has the most dangerous job.
The Navy SEAL says, “I do. I put my ass on the line killing terrorists for my country.”
The Cop says, “I do. I put my ass on ...

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

I'm so broke, all the last guy that broke into my house got..

was experience...

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said:

"I can't believe how intoxicated you are"
Denying it I said,
"I'm not drunk"
"Yes you are", she says
"No I'm NOT", I reply
" Can you tell the time?"
So I walked up the clock and said,
"I'm not drunk"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a woman who was honest about going exclusively for assholes last night

And now, mine hurts too bad to go to the bathroom.

My dad made me smoke a full pack of camels last night..

I was wondering if any of y'all wanted some meat?

A joke I heard from my pastor last sunday

A Buddhist, a Muslim and a Christian quarrels over whose god is the most powerful. They eventually decided to have a competition by showing that their god can save them from a grave danger.

So they all went to the edge of a cliff. The buddhist said "I will jump off this cliff but as I call t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was going to eat that later, but now it will just taste like carrots!"

I got so drunk last night

I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had phone sex last night.

Now I have hearing aids.

As I regained consciousness in the hospital from last night's car crash

the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity... But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday.

Two drunk guys out drinking come down to their last $5

One of the Drunk guys wants to use the $5 to get more drinks, the other drunk guy wants to use the $5 for food because he’s starving. The guy who wanted more drinks had a great idea.. He said to his drunk friend, “How bout we take the five dollars and we’ll go buy a hot dog, then we’ll go to a bar ...

..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.

Since then my muggings have been way more successful.

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

A FATHER'S LAST REQUEST

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my ...

Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross but they were actually pretty good.

Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.

He said, “I cum in peas.”

I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn't happy.

"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."

I had a great conversation with a dolphin last night

We just clicked

My pregnant wife couldn't sleep last night because she was so uncomfortable...

She is running out of womb.

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"
She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"
.
.
.
.
.
I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It Snowed last so I made a Snow man

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay c...

Me and the wife were walking past this plush restaurant last night and she said ‘wow it smells amazing in the there!’. I thought, let’s treat her...

...so we walked past it again.

What was Elvis Presley's last greatest hit?

The bathroom floor.

Gimli was going on a date last night, so I let him borrow my hair gel and my shaving foam.

And my Axe.

I got locked in a mirror shop last night.

On the plus side, it gave me time to reflect.

For the last twenty years, I've received a Valentine's Day card from the same secret admirer. So I was upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my gran dies, now this?

I was told some bad news last month. A good friend of mine had fallen into an upholstering machine and suffered terrible injuries.

The good news is he's now fully recovered

I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for grievous bodily harm...

Punched a black guy in the shopping center today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two friends are talking about last night

" Dude, last night I was coming back home from work, walking alongside the train rails as usual, when I spotted this girl tied to the rails. So naturally I untied her and took her home, feeling good, feeling like a true hero. Then when we got home I was feeling so excited by this experience that I d...

This guy last night tried to sell me a coffin

I told him that’s the last thing I need

I ate a dictionary last night...

It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had

That last avengers movie..

Was over in a snap.

Last night I lost my watch at a party. An hour later I saw a guy stepping on it whilst harassing a girl. I went over there and punched him

Nobody should do that to women

Not on my watch

Last Dad Joke of the day for me

Two boys are walking home from Sunday School after hearing some strong preaching about the devil.

One says to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff"?

The other says "Well you know how Santa turned out to be, it's probably just your Dad".

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?

I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.

My girlfriend asked me for a HI5 last night,

ended up giving her HI’V’

You guys see that new hairy guy who started last week?? Moving slow, bad temper, and you can't understand a word he's saying..

C'mon guys, take it easy on him.. He'll get it soon enough, he's still just a Wookie..

I went to a sea food disco last night...

I pulled a mussel

My local dental hygienist passed away last week.

A plaque was put up in her honour, but it kept getting removed.

A genie is granting my last wish

Me: I wish for more-
Genie: No wishing for more wishes.
Me: I wish for more genies

I saw the new Madeline McCann documentary last night, don’t want to spoil the ending but...

They got away with it.

Can someone please tell me Voldemorts last name

My friends talk in riddles

I got an icy handjob from Elsa last week

But three seconds in I was screaming “Let it go! Let it go!!”

I was at the club last night

And they played ‘Twist and Shout!’ So I started to Twist and Shout.
They then played ‘Jump Around’ so I started to jump around.
Then they played ‘Come on Eileen’ and they kicked me out!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last night my girlfriend told me I was a selfish lover

I almost choked on my own cock

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last night I lost my virginity to a jar of peanut butter.

People told me I was fucking nuts.

So I was out last night...

I was having a good time, until the bouncer came up to me and said, “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I asked why and he said, “Well, I don’t know you, and this is my trampoline.”

What did Ludacris say when he used up the last of the toilet paper?

ROLL OUT!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. “Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I can’t remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?”

“You sure did,” replied his wife. “You put your hand up the skirt of your boss’s wife and told your boss to piss off.”

“Shit! What happened?”

“He sacked you.”

“Well, fuck him, the bastard.”

“I did,” replied the wife, “and you’ve got your job back.”

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

What did Han Solo’s last name change too after he married Leia?

Han Duet.

I went to a very emotional wedding last weekend.

Even the cake was in tiers.

Last year I entered a marathon.

The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied, "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

Last night I played Origami poker

Things were going great, until I had to fold.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having sex with my German girlfriend last night.

It was distracting when she kept yelling her age all the time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Anna Kournikova is approached by her agent with one last career option.

He explains that with her youthful looks behind her, her best option is to take a training shoe endorsement she has been offered. She'll only need to model the footwear from the legs down, and give them use of her name.

She's reluctant because years of top level tennis gave her leg muscles wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me and my wife were in bed last night chatting together

Me : I bet you can't tell me something that would make me happy and sad at the same time.

My wife : You have the biggest dick out of all of your friends.

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art. He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!” “No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature

Why didn't Luke Skywalker's marriages ever last?

He wanted to follow Obi-Wan's advice: "Use divorce, Luke"

"You have a weird last name!"

....is what she said to him. He replied,

"Well, it's pretty common in my family"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I visited the Middle East last year...

And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.

Too hard for the camels.

Today Trump tweeted a weird defense of himself for saying "Tim Apple" last week

How do you like Tim Apples?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nearly had sex with a Ladyboy last night...

Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!.... That's when I thought "Fucking hell there's something wrong her...

Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Today the judge gave me life in prison, problem solved.

Why he left his last job

So I was talking to my new colleague about why he left his last job. He said "Well here's the story. Last week was my birthday. But neither my children nor my wife wished me. I went to work, and my friends and colleagues also ignored me. I was feeling pretty down in the dumps. But then my beautiful ...

So, I was at the bar last night

So, I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?"

I replied "Hell, not only that, I know the entire alphabet"

Everyone laughed

Well, except for this one guy.

What is the last thing that goes through a bee's head when it hits the windshield?

His ass.

I thought up a good band name last night. Hillary and the Emails.

Would be HYUUUGE in 48% of the US.

Man, I was so tired last night; I had a dream I was a muffler...

and I woke up exhausted.

I went to a Abba themed bar last night

The toilet was like a maze

What a loo couldn't escape if I wanted to

My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

Last year i was depressed and miserable,

But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed

I got home last night and opened the fridge....

And I caught the salad dressing

Went to my first Fight Club meeting last night...

I showed up late though so I missed the first couple of rules but it was awesome I love fight club can't wait for the next meeting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

My ex had given me a loan, and I finally made my last payment.

Now it’s just some money I used to owe.

I organized a threesome last night.

There were a couple no-shows but I still had a good time.

​

I still remember my Dad’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket.

He said, “Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

I checked out a brothel and spent time with a bipolar asian girl last night

Dont think I'll be ordering sweet & sour off the menu again any time soon

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The last nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the ...

During the last school play I felt funny and came over queasy.

At which point I was told to leave the production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings...

A muslim girl said to me “I got so stoned last night...”

I asked, “Why was your dad so mad?”

Last night I dreamt that my town’s water tower exploded.

It was a wet dream.

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general ...

Last night, my wife and I watched 4 films back to back

Luckily, I was facing the TV

What do you call a Medical student who finishes last in their class?

Doctor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last year my girlfriend made me make a swear jar, every time I swear I have to put $1 in and after 12 months it goes to charity. Today I opened it up and said out loud ‘Blooming heck, there’s no gosh darn money in here.’

‘Cause I’m a fucking tight arse.

I slept like a log last night.

I woke up in the fireplace.

My family's last name is 'Expectation'

The entire family is currently in the hospital because of my stepdad, he started with me and said that for once in his life he'd beat all expectations

Met my school bully 10 years after I last saw him. He still takes my money today.

But on the other hand, he certainly knows how to make a decent sandwich.

Last Sunday, on Mother's Day, I realised that it

...wasn't Mother's Day after all, so there's no need to panic.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Had sex last night,

I had sex last night with 2 blonde hair, blue eyed 18 year old twins that I met in a bar.

I was telling my best friend about it this morning and he said "I don't understand the attraction, wouldn't it be like just having sex twice with the same person? Could you even tell them apart?"

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I made a list of my top jokes of all time. The first ten are great, and the last one is fucking awesome!

1) Great.

2) Great.

3) Great.

4) Great.

5) Great.

6) Great.

7) Great.

8) Great.

9) Great.

10) Great.

11) Fucking Awesome!

Didn't see Liam Neeson at the Oscars last night.

Must be on a blacklist

​I was explaining to my wife last night

​I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

I met a girl last night. I forgot her name, but it was one of the US states.

Alaska

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart...

But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

Went up to bed last night and started pulling off my boxers.

My wife said "You really spoil those dogs".

-Jed Stone.

For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.

I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.

I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.