It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters g...

Who won the presidential debate last night?

People who didn't watch

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

I walked in a pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on the table

I said:nice legs
And she said:You really think so?
I said: Yes, other tables would have collapsed by now

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night

Oof

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My wife and I got to act in a porno last night

I played the husband that went to work

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Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?

-I have to do that or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.


-That's not going to work.


-Why not?


-Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up.

I sat on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers, the wife leans in and says:

“You spoil those dogs”....

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A man had some trouble lasting during sex

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, ‟What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He con...

Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Ouch.

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting, "Be positive!", but it's difficult to be positive without him.

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Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking...

Where the fuck is my roof?

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A Man is holding auditions for a pianist and in comes the last one..

He comes in and starts the play the most beautiful song the man has ever heard. The song is so beautiful the man starts crying and ask, “What is the name of that song?”

The pianist then says “Oh, this song right here? It’s called my bone in your ass.”

The man then takes a moment and g...

I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, I'm ok :)

Last winter, I went bobsleighing with my family

Killed 37 Bobs

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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What's the last thing you want to hear when you're giving Willy Nelson a blowjob? (NSFW)

"I'm not Willy Nelson"

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.

"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hou...

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My mate down the pub asked me last night “why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?”

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue''.

I made a curry last night and put ginger in it, kids weren't happy

They loved that cat

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I was in Mexico last weekend enjoying what the entertainment has to offer....

...ended up going to this magic show that was highly recommended. The Magician came on stage and started the show with a disappearing act. He said "Pay close attention as I will vanish into thin air on the count of three"

He started counting... "uno....dos..."

And sure as shit he disap...

I hired a new driver last month...

He always goes the extra mile.


I need a new driver.

I still remember my father's last words before he kicked the bucket.

"Hey son, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

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After having sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" was not the correct response.

Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?

They're having a hard time moving inventory now.

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

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I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words

“Stop shaking the ladder you stupid cunt!”

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I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said, "Do you like my new piercing?"

After staring at my penis for 30 seconds she said, "Where's the piercing then?"

I said, "In my ear."

What was the last thing to enter the bugs mind after hitting the windshield?

his back legs

As I stood there seeing my girlfriend's peaceful face, I remembered that this would be our last day together. So I decided to make the most of it by making love to her one last time...

Unfortunately, no one else at her funeral shared my sentiment.

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded.

"Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "N...

I went to the store to buy condoms last night.

The cashier asked, ‟Do you want a bag?”

I replied, ‟No, she is not that ugly.”

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My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

A man was arrested last night for drinking battery acid.

Later he was charged.

I hosted a huge event for gingers last week

Sadly not a single soul showed up.

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Talking to the wife after sex last night...

I said why don’t you ever tell me you have had an orgasm ?

She says I would but you said never to ring you when you are at work.

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My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Dirty bastards.

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John's neighbour asked him why there were lot of screams coming from there house last night.

John said that his wife told him that she wanted to him to make her scream like never before while having sex.

So his neighbour now curious asked back how he got her to scream so much.

John shrugs and say It is quite simple I just applied some chilli pepper on the condom before the sex...

Whats the last thing a serial killer hear before he kills his next victim?

Snap crackle pop

How did the apostles prepare for the Last Supper?

Peter set the table. Paul cooked the food. Jesus swept.

Why was Luke Skywalker called the last Jedi ?

Because he was the Obi Wan left

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

I went to my doctor last year.

They said they had good news and bad news.


The good news is I had a year to live.
The bad news was it was 2020.

When you die what body part dies last?

The pupils, they dilate

What Pink Floyd's and Princess Diana's last bit hit?

The Wall.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me

. On a related note...…………………. I suck at darts.

I found a way to stop lasting only 10 seconds in bed!

I just told her to stop counting.

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Rolled my first joint last night.

Fuck, my ankle hurts this morning.

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila

"You're coming home now!" she screamed.

"No, I'm not," I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

I had a dream last night about dancing chickens...

It was like poultry in motion.

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When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind?

His ass.

I will never forget my dad’s last words: “Will you stop playing with the bow, Nicholas?!”

PS: it was a joke

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

Last night our teenage daughter ran into our bedroom...

"Dad! Mom! There are monsters under my bed and in my closet!"


"Yes darling we know all about your energy drink addition, now go back to bed"

My last girlfriend wasn’t all bad.

She put the “fun gal” in fungal infection.

Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said:

I only have my shelf to blame.

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upsta...

Last night I was walking home and decided to take a short cut past the cemetery.

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were really scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand, I used to be freaked out too when I was alive." Never seen anyone run that fast!

At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."

What did Jesus say to his disciples while having the last supper?

Get on this side of the table if you want your picture taken.

If your election lasts more than 48 hours,

consult a physician.

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I was having sex with my wife last night

I was having sex with my wife last night

when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”

“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”

“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

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Last night I was reading "A Christmas Carol" to my kids when I dropped the book on my foot.

It hurt like the Dickens!

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! W...

Do you remember all those jokes made last year about having 2020 vision?

Well, you know what they say about hindsight.

Last pull-over

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice eveningdrive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what wasleft of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red andblue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can ca...

My last girlfriend said i was ‘overly mysterious’

or did she?

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Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

I was in Idaho last week, and found out what their state bird is.

A middle finger to liberals.

I think I have a fetish for the last paragraph of an essay. How do I know?

I just came to that conclusion.

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I was trying to sleep last night. Here's what happened.

Some dude has this bed right beside mine, and he randomly started saying this:

"I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein. I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings..."

For fuck's sake he was Tolkien in his sleep!

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Congratulations to me! I just made my last car payment!

I still owe like $6,000, but fuck 'em, I'm not paying anymore.

I live every day like it is my last.

Lying in bed consuming morphine while my family cries.

I have something I'm finally ready to share with the world: I used to have a third nipple until I accidentally cut it off shaving last year.

I'm glad I finally got that off my chest.

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Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

My last girlfriend was a Geologist...

She kept finding faults in me. Cracks soon appeared and we eventually split.

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

I got home last night to find that all the windows and doors were open and everything was gone.

What kind of monster would do this to an advent calendar!?

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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I was in bed last night with my wife...

I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says ‟If you turn the lamp off, I will take it up the arse.”
I should've waited for the bulb to cool down.

How long can a meth high last?

The rest of your life.

Last night I did Stand-Up in a Bowling Alley parking lot

Some of my jokes struck out. The audience was split.

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg!

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An man was in the hospital for a series of tests... ... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young nurse was about to come in the door at any moment, he hastily gathered up ...

I just made my last student loan payment

I have more, I’m just not gonna make them.

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

Club manager: Your last joke was so bad it put the audience to sleep. What do you plan to do about it?

Comedian: Copyright it and sell it as a cure for insomnia.

My girlfriend saved me from drowning last night

Thank God she took her foot off my head

I was asked to describe the last two us presidents in 5 words

Orange is the new black

I'm surprised the pandemic has lasted this long.

I thought trump trusted doctors to fix his mistakes before they hit 9 months

I told a knock knock joke while trick or treating last Halloween

I only got a couple Snickers

Why did you ruin the Thanksgiving turkey at the last minute?

It just wasn't very well thawed out.
(it's bad, but it's mine)

This girl asked me how long I last in bed

I told her I was once in coma for 12months

My Canadian friend went to a fight last night..

and a hockey game broke out.

"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him." "Why?"

"My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'"

Finally watched dirty dancing last night.

Had the time of my life!

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

I remember last Christmas, we were playing charades and my grandad was up, suddenly he collapsed and did a huge fart.

I guessed “Gone with the wind?”

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Great 1st Date Last Night

I had a great first date with a woman last night. We started kissing and she stopped and said......

"I just want to let you know that I don't give blowjobs or have sex during the 1st six months we date".......

I said, " Awesome, I look forward to seeing you again in May"

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Last time I went to the pub a girl asked me for sex

I had to disappoint her.  We had sex.

Sting was kidnapped last night...

The Police are looking for a lead.

OC I came up with last week

A man goes on his dream vacation to Spain. While there he sees amazing sights, drinks great wine and dances til late at night.

After a few days he starts to get a weird pain in his chest and decides to go to the hospital to check it out. He gets an X-ray and the doctor tells him he has a tum...

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground, they were walking down the street and saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they were, they went up to ask her why she was crying.
She said- "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat, and now my cat is dead."
The men said they were very sorry to here tha...

What is Yoda’s last name?

LeHehu

I was stealing kitchen utensils last night...

And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.

Congratulations to the obvious winner of last night’s debate...

The voyager space probe hurtling away from our solar system at over 35k mph!

I ran over a girl last night

Worst blind date ever

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

My girlfriend bought me the Kama Sutra last week...

...it put me in an awkward position.

A girl looked at me funny last night as I struggled to take her bra off...

She was probably wondering why I had it on in the first place.

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her.

At least it was something like that.

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

Ninety-Nine had been trying to defeat Hundred, but failed each time. Finally, he pushed the limit for one last time. And on his cake day...

Ninety-Nine defeated Hundred-And-One.

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My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

Trump has pledged to fulfill one last campaign promise before he leaves

to finally follow through on campaign pledge to stand in middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody.

At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words.

Defeet hurts.

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

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Last year, NASA launched human sperm into space

Which I find quite impressive, I only reach my belly button

I almost had a threesome last night!

I only needed 2 more people.

I was planning on visiting Cheltenham but I chickened out at the last second.

Turns out I’m Gloucesterphobic

I had a seizure on my date last night

Really shook things up

Saw my wife taking off her make up last night...

Or, as I call it, "Reset to factory settings "

Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger? In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days, but before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lon...

There was a belly-dancer at a fancy Turkish restaurant last night!!!! We were all speechless & stunned.

I just wish he didn’t insist on doing an encore at our table.

Last election, I voted for the party with the red colour

I don’t know why, but the blue party was just one of the most unappealing, disgusting political parties I had ever seen, with the weakest leader ever. The policies they presented were going to basically ruin everything I had.



I voted for Justin Trudeau.

Was talking to my friend last week, asked how his wife was doing and he said to me he doesn't know she went to the shop for a bottle of milk 2 week ago and hasn't come back, I asked him how he was coping

He said I've been using the powdered milk its bloody horrible

Trumps personal assistant: „Hey Mr. President, All will be good! I had an awesome dream last night!“

T: „Oh really!? Tell me!!“
A: „There was a big parade in Washington with a hell of people celebrating your presence! Millions of people yelled out of joy when you passed them on the road, bands were playing, kids throwing confetti in the air! It was the most epic celebration ever been held in Was...

I threw a bukkake party last night...

No one came.

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

What was Jeffery Epstein’s last words to the prison guard?

“Hey! Don’t leave me hangin’!”

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice b...

There has been 45,000 cases of head lice reported in the last 24 hours across the Midwest

Researchers are scratching their heads over that one.

Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

My step-dad’s last words were his worst:

“Be back in a Quibi”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night I tried sex with a blindfold on

I don't know what came over me

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My favorite NSFW Joke: A guy calls his friend, and says "you're not gonna BELIEVE what happened to me last night...

I was walking home from the bar, and I saw this woman tied to the railroad tracks, like in the old silent movies!"

His friend says "that's crazy! So what did you do?"
"Well, I untied her of course! And then I took her home and had sex with her all night long."

His friend says "tha...

To whoever broke into the bar last night and stole the limbo stick...

Seriously, how low can you go.

It always annoys me when people say : it's always in the last place you look!

Of course it is, once you've found it why would you keep on looking?

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

...she said last time, we're stuck in a time loop.

Which really pisses me off, because that's what...

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

I tried to throw a big orgy last night, but It was a bit of a disappointment

nobody came

Thought of this last night. This is probably not that good....

Why do people with sharp teeth have a hard time being quiet?

It hurts to bite their tongue.

I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.

And through it all, he offered me protection...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was having sex with a girl on a railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.

Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...

The driver sho...

Coroner: "i came across my exe wife at the morgue last night."

Doctor: "was it hard to take?"

Coroner: "not really, I'm used to her ignoring me."

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