I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions

Like the Smith family were blacksmiths


and the Bowman family were archers


and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo set.

How low can you go?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

My wife clogged up the toilet last night

I knew i should have cut her into smaller pieces.

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

Be a considerate lover

Nice guys finish last

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.

Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

A woman on death row was asked what she wanted for her last meal

“I don’t know, what do you want?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Was in the pub with a mate last week...

... and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us.

My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone".

I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.

One time last year when I was in Baltimore out late, I got jumped by three big black guys.

They were real nice, car started right up with no problems, and they even helped me get back to the interstate.

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

I was so drunk last night

the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last Halloween, I dressed as premature ejaculation

I just came in my pants.

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.

The General replied "1956, ma'am."

The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better."

The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour.

Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and...

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

So, I asked out a really fine lady who was WAY out of my league, she says, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last person on Earth...”

“Well, DUHHHH, you’d be dead.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,

even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!

I got blackout-drunk last night and woke up with a really bad tattoo of a bowl of rice.

I was relieved when I realized it was pilaf.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last night I had sex with an orphan that has cancer.

Well, technically he has AIDS now too.


[My buddy just challenged me to come with the most fucked up joke I could think of in 5 minutes. This was it.]

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 3 year son was in the bath with me last night.

"Why is your willy so much bigger and fatter than mine?"

"I dont know, daddy" he replied.

My girlfriend gave me a hand job with some vaseline last night, wasn't very good... I didn't finish...

Came 3 times washing the stuff off though.

A cartoonist was murdered in his apartment last night.

The details are sketchy.

I slept with a fat dyslexic woman last night

She gave me carbs

I went out dressed as a chicken last night and met a girl who was dressed as an egg.

One thing led to another and the eternal question was answered:

​

It was the chicken.

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

Was almost in the club last night but got dragged out by the bouncer.

"Are u 18?" he asked.

"No," I replied.

"Can't let u in then," he replied.

As I walked out I thought to myself, "this is the 3rd club I've been at tonight. What does a 22 year old have to do to get inside?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried a new lubricant for anal sex with the wife last night. I wasn't impressed...

It was shit.

Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half the living population on Earth.

Then I snapped out of it.

I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

I remember the last thing Grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket.

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

:)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Slept like a baby last night

Woke up at 2am with poop in my PJ's

Last Request

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole t...

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

My last job was at an orange juice factory.

I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

One night last year I was about to propose to my roommate

One night last year I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Last night I dreamt my math teacher was a mermaid…

and my secret lover.

But she dumped me after I couldn’t unhook her top part.

Too bad. I failed my algae bra test.

I didn’t get any sleep last night...

because I was trying to remember if I had amnesia or insomnia.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I entered a blindfold masturbation contest last night...

Fuck knows where I came!

Jesus at the last supper

Jesus speaks to his apostles during the last supper and says, "One of you will betray me."

John turns to Jesus with fear in his eyes and asks, "Will it be me? Will I betray you lord?" Jesus smiles kindly at John and says, "No my brother, you will not betray me".

Peter next approaches J...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion

As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.

A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.

​

“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.

​

“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”

​

“My wife,” the drunk man answers.

We ordered a Chinese takeaway last night from a local place (I won't name them)

and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was agai...

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

My wife and I were on our last warning with the landlord.

Then one day I phoned reluctantly and said, "Mate, I just did an enormous poo and now there's a blockage."

​

"Goodness me," he cried. "You guys can't do anything right can you? What has your wife said?"

​

I said, "Next time don't use the sink."

My phone was stolen last night. So I decided to call my own number.

My phone was stolen last night. So I decided to call my own number.

​

\*ringing\*

​

\*ringing\*

​

**Voice:** "Hello?"

​

**Me:** “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking...

Hospital: on the down side we lost power and back up power last night...

In the bright side we now have 42 open beds

I had this horrible nightmare last night!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's when I woke up and realiz...

To the **** that accused me of following his wife home last night

I know where you live!

Went to my therapist last week and informed him I had suicidal tendencies....

He told me I needed to start paying in advance.

We were eating at a local restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

We were eating at a local restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her

I said- "Back in 02."

It sounds much better than "February"

I went to the doctors for my physical last week...

While the doctor was checking my prostate, I told him to put another finger in there...I wanted a second opinion.

I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, i am okay

As long as I live I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me...

GODDAMMIT BOY BE CAREFUL THAT THING’S LOADED!

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did

So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson

What was the last thing that went through a suicide bombers head?

His foot.

All my books fell down last night

I’m going to kill my shelf

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grief counselor died last week

She must of been good though because I couldn’t give a shit.

Credit to an elderly man at my girlfriends pub.

So my friend had a threesome last night, and was telling her blonde friend about it

My friend says, “I slept with two Brazilian men last night.”

Her friend asks, “Wait... how many zeroes are there in a Brazilian?”

My wife left me last week

She said she couldnt handle the lies anymore. At least that what i think she said as i was busy fighting a bear at the time.

I went to a Seafood Disco last night.

I pulled a mussel.

I entered a Twisted Sister lookalike contest and came in last place

I won a rock

Last Name Only

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.



“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.



“John,” the new guy replied.



The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you work...

What’s the last thing my friend told me before I got hit by a car?

Dodge

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a competition to find who could last the longest without masturbating.

I came first.

Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave walked into the office, starting his lines with: "Hey guys, I had a weird dream last night"

"God himself asked if I want to improve my memory, but my dick size decreases, or the other way around, to-"

This is where I had to stop him.

"Dave, stop. You told us this story yesterday"

My Asian friend passed away last week...

So Yung

I nearly had a 3some last night

just needed two more people

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up one morning and tells his wife "I had an unusual sex dream about you last night."

"What was unusual about it?" she asks.

"Well, for one thing we were actually having sex."

A priest asks a convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you hold my hand?"

Ya know, I tried acupuncture last weekend

I just didn't really get the point

I know who dies first in the last Game of Thrones...

The legacy of a once-great show

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

My diabetic friend had a serious emergency last night.

My bad.

I shouldn't have texted her "Goodnight, sweet dreams" before going to bed yesterday.

I got fired from my last job for making too many Linkin Park references but...

...in the end it doesn't even matter.

Priest hears man's last wishes

His priest, his lovely wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are at his side.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a video recorder be in place to record his last wishes.
He begins to speak. "My son, John, I want you to take the Epic Ocean houses."
"My daughter Donna, you take the apart...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I don’t last long in bed.

I told her, “If you change your mind, call me. I’ll come right away.”

Last night I lay in my bed, looking at the stars an thought

where the hell is my roof?

My friends dishwasher stopped cleaning last night.

The divorce is going to be expensive.

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

What was the last thing Helen Keller said before she died?

Nothing, she was wearing mittens.

Last night, I dreamt that I was sailing in a sea of soda.

I wish I could go back to that Fanta sea.

The wife wanted me to last longer in bed...

So I turned the alarm clock off

I watched a documentary about hydroelectricity last night.

Best dam movie I’ve seen in a while.

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I woke up to look with him.

I had a dream last night where I was drowning in an ocean made from orange soda...

It took me a while to figure out that it was a Fanta sea.

My friend went to the doctor last night because he gets sick when he sees unwashed feet.

His doctor told him he's black toes intolerant

What is the last thing a suicide bomber instructor says to his students?

Pay close attention. I can show you this only once.

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor felt extremely conflicted after sleeping with his patient. One side of his head told him, "Relax. You're not the first doc to sleep with his patient and you'll not be the last."

The other side said, "You bastard. You should be knowing that you're a veterinary doctor."

Last week was my first time watching Game of Thrones

I still haven't seen an episode.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys picked a fight with me in a bar last night. I managed to knock one out.

Sure, it was a strange time to masturbate, but I didn't know if I was going to survive.

My dad left to go get milk last year...

Unlike your dad, he came home that day!

Whoever took my herbs last night:

​

You’re living on borrowed thyme

Me: Hey, can you say the second last letter of the alphabet?

Friend: Why?

Me: Thanks

I had a couple bad dreams last night about a Korean Boy Band

I think I might have BTSD

Got disqualified from a quiz tournament last night

We were called Quizlamic State

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So two atoms walk out of a bar after last call

and the manager locks the door behind them. One atom turns to the other and says, "Oh shit! I left my electron in there." And the second atom says, "Oh no! Are you positive??"

Men always have the last word in arguments with their wives

Sorry

Last night my girlfriend and I watched 3 DVDs back to back.

Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.

Satan:Hey I bought your soul last week and-

Me:No refunds

Satan:Please it’s making me sad

At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.

“Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”

​

“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.

​

“Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months

my wife is up to three packs a day

What the last words Jim Bowie's ex-wife said to him?

Remember the alimony

I smashed up my keyboard and couldnt find the last key

I lost Ctrl

Tried dark humour last night.

Nobody could see the punchline

I go mugged by six dwarves last night.

Not happy.

Wish me luck in the London Marathon today. I managed a respectable, 3 hours, 12 minutes, last year...

This year, I will try to beat that but, I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else...

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

And they just loved it. They couldn't make mayonnaise quick enough.

Little known fact, the Titanic had a large vat of mayonnaise that was going to go to Mexico.

Now when the Titanic sunk, and the mayonnaise we...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone broke into my house last night.

They stole everything except my towels, soap, deodorant, and shampoo!

Dirty Bastards

Two men were talking. Said the first "I went to the theatre last night but had to leave after Act I."

"Why was that?" asked the second.
"Well, the program said 'Act II - one year later', and I couldn't wait."

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen tim...

“One last question,” said the job interviewer.

“What would you say your biggest weakness is?”

The interviewee thinks for a moment, smiles confidently, and says “I never know when to quit, sir.”

The interviewer chuckles. “Well, I must say, I’m very impressed with your resume and skillset. I’m happy to welcome you aboard!”

...

Two ladies are fighting on a bus for the last seat...

The driver went up to the ladies and said the following: "let the ugliest of the 2 have the seat." After which both of the ladies stood for the rest of the ride, never fighting again.

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

Last year I joined a group for anti-social people

We haven’t met yet

Someone broke into Battersea dogs home and released all the dogs last night...

The police are desperately looking for leads.

In my last relationship I hated being treated like I was a piece of meat.

She was vegan, and refused to touch me.

Went to a dance last night...

They played The Twist. I did The Twist.

They played The Macarena. I did the Macarena.

They played Come On Eileen. I got thrown out.

I went to a costume party last night dressed as a pinata

The girls were beating me off with a stick

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

I was in an orgy last year

It was strange, but my family has always had weird thanksgivings

As a married man, I always get the last word in a conversation or argument with my wife.

Those words are usually, "Yes dear."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dog Minton ate a shuttlecock last night.

Bad Minton.