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The thing about Masturbation Contests is

If you want to come first, you have to cum last

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

Last night, my Girlfriend told me to “Turn the light off and stick it in my ass”

Maybe I should’ve waited a few minutes for it to cool down?

My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious

or did she?

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?

Me: I wish I had a tail.

Genje: Wejrd but okay.

Got arrested at the airport last week.

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

I have a fetish for writing the last paragraph of a paper.

I just came to that conclusion.

When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils.

They dilate.

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George wanted to last longer during sex

So he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that ...

Things turned really ugly at my house last night.

My girlfriend removed her make up.

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Last night I was sitting in the couch and watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen " what do you want for dinner honey? Chicken, beef or lamb?

I replied "Thank you love. I feel like having chicken."

She replied " You're having soup you fat bastard. I'm talking to the dog."

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I was in the pub last night having a conversation with a couple of bouncers...

when the barmaid rudely interrupted and said, “Will you talk to my face, not my fucking tits.”

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact she wasn't bad at all! I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I'd ever had a "Sportsmans Double". "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and da...

My girlfriend bought me the kamasutra last year

Which put me in a very awkward position.

People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.

I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,

I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!

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Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.


Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.


Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers...

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I'll never forget my grandpa's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt"

My wife has braces and blew me last night

Now my kids are behind bars.

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Saw "IT" last night

Far less "computer networking" and so much more "murderous clowning" than anticipated

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I managed to have sex with my girlfriend for 1 hour 30 minutes doggy style last night...

That’s 4 minutes in human time.

I organized a threesome last night!

There were a couple of no-shows, but I had a good time anyway.

I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

I still remember my grandfathers last words to me

He died right infront of me, the words still ring in my mind "STOP SHAKING THE GODDAMN LADDER!!"

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Mailman is making his rounds on his very last day of work. After 25 years on the same route the day had finally come. He was a good mailman and well liked. Therefor many of his regulars had little cookies and parting gifts for him. All was going well until he got to the Smith residence.

When he came to the door and was about to deliver the letters, Mrs. Smith opened the door in a sexy lingerie holding a plate of cookies and invited him in. The mailman, not wanting to be rude took a few cookies, stepped inside and said thank you. As he was about to leave, she said " oh no, we're...

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night...

She nearly poked my eye out!

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I slept like a baby last night

I woke up crying several times and shit myself.

My grandmother's star sign is Cancer, and last week she was sadly diagnosed with...

Crabs...

A film is to be made about the shootings last month in the El Paso Walmart

The Texas Chain Store Massacre

Last time when I was someone's type..

I was donating blood

Came home last night to find my dear mother muttering to herself in the corner. When I asked if she was alright, her eyes rolled up and her head started spinning. Then she cried out “Richard Of York Gave Bridge In Vain!” and collapsed.

I called the local exorcist and he told me it was probably a case of Mnemonic Possession.

I was walking home last night and someone threw a block of cheese out the window and it hit me on the head...

I turned and shouted "That wasn't very mature was it?"

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night

Oof

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I watched my first porno film last week....

I looked so much younger then.

I received a message last night from an unknown source that read, “I’ll be there in five minutes, and then we are going to get freaky.” I was terrified, but luckily it turns out it was meant for someone else.

Either way, I done using Ouija Boards.

So I finally watched Avengers Endgame last night...

It's about time

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind as it hits a windshield?

It’s ass

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

How long does a programmer last in bed?

Just a bit

What were Jeffrey Epstein's last words?

But I dont want to commit suicide

I was going to go on a double-date last week.

But in the end I couldn’t find three other people to go with.

I planned a great three some last night

Two people no-showed, but the rest of us had fun.

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

I lost my watch at a club last night. I thought I would never find it, but I decided to try.Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it.

The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this women. When she made it very clear that she didn't want "it" he slapped her. That's when I sprung into action and knocked him out. Because you don't hit a women. Not on my watch.!!

I was at an Italian restaurant last Friday...

Me: "I'll just have the Paggione".
Waitress: "That says 'page one', sir."

My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her...

instead, I swam to the surface.

I bought a Chinese takeaway last night

On the drive home I saw the bag was rustling. I looked inside and saw two eyes staring back at me. Panicked, I thought it was a rat or a mouse.

I pulled it out the bag as quick as possible.

Turns out it was just a Peking Duck!

I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer

But sadly, nobody will do it

When can a man and a woman have the same last name?

Teenagers: brother and sister

Adults: husband and wife

Alabama: yes

I realized that I get aroused when I read the last chapter of a novel.

I just came to the conclusion.

George's Last Day

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
<...

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

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Little Bobby is angry at his sex-ed teacher, because he didnt pass the last exam

Now he plans his revenge with his friend Sam, who also failed in sex-ed.
Bobby: Listen, you will hide on this side of the door, and when she comes in you throw your jacket over her head, so she cant see us, then i will kick her in the balls.

I suddenly decided to have an orgy in the dark last night.

I don't know what came over me.

For the last time

Bob returned from a doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I on...

I sent my hearing aids in for repair last month.

I haven't heard from them since.

I was with a blind hooker last night

She said i was the biggest she'd ever had, i said
'you'r pullin my leg'

I nearly married my last girlfriend...

... she was another one of my near Mrs.

The doctors surgically removed a Cancer from my wife last week

He was supposed to be a Leo, but she went into labor early.

(This joke is literally true - our due date was July 23 but she went into labor early and we had to have an emergency C-section on July 21st.)

I met a 60 years old lady last night at the pub..

She looked marvellous for her years. I wondered how beautiful her daughter must be. After having a few drinks, she came up to me and asked "Have you ever been with a mother and a daughter at the same time?"


"Can't say I have," I replied excitedly.


She winked at me and whispered...

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Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself...

Where the fuck is my roof?

I was in Area 51 last week. Here is a list of everything I saw

[Redacted]

I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery...

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night. So I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand... I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."
Never seen anyone run so fast.

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After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”

“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”

Last night I visited a fetishist community website for the first time

Why are there so many dudes called Dom?

I almost got laid every day last week

Yep, almost got laid on monday

Almost on tuesday

Almost on wednesday...

I saw a beaver movie last night

it was the best dam movie ever.

I just took my last dive as a scuba diving instructor.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?

because they dilate

I went to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant last night..

Super cauliflower cheese, but the lobster was atrocious!

Last night my wife and I argued for hours as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Eventually.... I folded.

Last night I stayed up all night to see where the sun went!

Then it dawned on me...

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo

Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar...

Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.

My grandfather's last words

My Grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket were: How far do you think I can kick this bucket????

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What did Mother Earth say when she wiped out every last human being on the earth?

"No Homo"

I got mugged by six dwarves last night...

Not Happy.

Be a considerate lover

Nice guys finish last

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

Last night I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda

It turns it was just a fanta sea

I remember the last thing my Granddad said before he kicked the bucket.

He said, " Watch me kick this bucket"

I drank a bunch of colloidal silver over the last few years and it's got me depressed

I'm feeling pretty blue

What did John Bercow say when the government caused a stink in the Parliament, last night?

"Odooour!"

Last night i had a dream i was eating noodles

But when i woke up i couldnt find my earphones.

My young daughter asked me this morning, “Daddy! What were you and mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could here a buzzing noise and then mummy started to scream.”

“Nothing darling.” I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.

If our last names came from the jobs of our ancestors...

Then I feel really bad for the boys of the "Dickinson" family tree.

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

I just got married last week!

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

All the comic books I inherited from my brother had the last page missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

Over 500 children have had their last request granted by John Cena for the Make-a-Wish foundation. That’s because anytime a child ask to see John Cena all they have to say is,

“You Can’t.”

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Last time I had sex, it felt like the Olympic 100m final.

8 black men and a gun

I accidentally swallowed a whole heap of Scrabble tiles last night.

My next poo could spell disaster

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

I was woken last night to what I thought was the onions in my fridge singing a Bee Gees song...

But when I went to look it was just the chives talking.

I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible...

She must have given me a cold or something.

I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I'm fine.

I met a really bad electrician at the bar last night...

At first there were some sparks, but he ended up saying some pretty nasty things to me and I left shocked.

A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bus trip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples.

When Sarah asked why he said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

The police station was broken into last night and all the toilets were stolen....

Officers say they have nothing to go on.

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My wife hit me with this one last night [NSFW]

Me (jokingly): I need you to fill out a consent form before we have sex

Her: Nah, Alexa records everything so verbal consent will do

Went to see a movie last night which had an overall rating of 3.14

It was pirated.

A guy I know told me: "Men should always have the last words in an argument with their wife."

They are "Yes, Honey."

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Last time my wife asked me if she looked fat, ...

I sighed and said, "Honey, if I tell you the truth, do you promise not to be mad?" She rolled her eyes, but agreed. So I said, "I've been fucking your sister."

Dentist: “When is the last time you flossed?”

Me: “You should know...you were there.”

I got arrested at the bar last night

Turns out telling all the ladies I have an explosive device in my pants isn’t a good pickup line

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On a sunny day at home last week my girlfriend asked if I could pull the blind. I said “of course...

Just put on a sexy voice and be extra nice to their dogs”

Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens.

They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.

I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

I can’t remember the last time I drank alcohol

In fact, I can’t quite remember the last four times

I had lunch with George Washington last night

Actually we had dinner

I got kicked out of a bar last night...

It was a goofy place, they had a “classic music” dance contest. I was the clear winner. They played “The Hustle” so I did The Hustle. They played “The Twist” so I did the twist.

But then they played “Come On Eileen”

Last night at the restaurant, it was all full, I started talking out loud on the phone...

"Come now! He's here with another woman!", 6 tables were freed!

What was the last thing the drummer said to the band?

Listen to this guys I wrote us a song.


-curtesy of Dave Grohl

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I hooked up with a martial artist last week.

She floated like a butterfly, and now it stings when I pee.

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicle...

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo set.

How low can you go?

Jesus and his disciples at last dinner.

"Waiter!", Jesus called, "Can I get a receipt please?"

After some time, waiter finally comes to Jesus and puts a receipt in his palm.

Jesus is looking at receipt for 10 seconds straight with confusion and shock all over his face.

He turns to disciples and shouts "Didn't I tell y...

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A black man was shot in my local town last night with a starting pistol

The police think the shooting was race related.

He who laughs last

Probably didn't filter by new.

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

THE LAST TIME I WAS IN A WOMAN I WAS IN MY MOM

Now she is pregnant.

My imaginary girlfriend broke up with me last week.

She said: "Things are getting too REAL."

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

I just wanted to use the last 1% of my battery to tell you

The Zodiac Killer is Te

Last year I joined a group for anti-social people.

We haven't met yet.

Got sick of rubbing my wife's feet so the last time she asked I finally told her no, and let me tell you...

...hell hath no fury like a woman's corns.

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