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Hey Jokes

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Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Judas: Hey Jesus, you coming to the last supper?

Jesus: the what?

Judas: the supper…I mean are you coming to the supper?

Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?

Never mind, you won’t get it.

Father: Hey son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy-milk

Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

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Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

Hey, did you hear about that new giant monster that eats nuclear reactors?

It's on...



A plant based diet.

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

Hey Guys...Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing.

She will instantly have a headache and then go to sleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

Hey, why do people from Philly like it doggy style?

So they can both watch the Cowboys lose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?

Well yes Bob, I do.

Great, can you please get laid more often?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Hey girl, are you a newspaper?

Because there’s a new issue with you every single day

Hey baby, are you a GPU?

Cause I wanna make you mine.

Hey girl, are you an obelisk?

Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.

Hey girl, are you a broken compass?

Because I’m not really sure where I’m going with this

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

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Hey baby are you a Communist?

Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called my friend and said "hey I have a joke for you.."

Friend :"ok, shoot."

Me: " what has a tiny penis, and hangs down?"

Friend: " I dunno, what?"

Me: " A bat... now, what has an enormous penis and hangs up?"

Friend" I dunno what?"

*click*

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy.

But he really saved the History channel.

Hey girl, are you a Chinese immigrant from the 1800s?

Because I want to make you mine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey, you wanna win?

Nah, we'll pass.

Hey, is your refrigerator running?

Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome

God: *creates birds*

Hey Mitch Hedberg, what's the date today?

Just press 2 for a while!

Hey, check out my foreskin.

[removed]

Hey girl are you a school?

Because I want to shoot kids inside you.

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”

“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

Hey girl are you from Tennessee?

Because you look like your parents are related.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"

"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

Hey girl, are you a communist?

Because your bed could become our bed.

My new pickup line: Hey, are you an interest rate?

Because I’d love to Compound you.

Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

Hey girl, are you a white dwarf star?

'cause you're pretty hot but kind of dim.

Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast?

…Just follow my simple instructions:
1. Hold down the Shift Key
2. Press the number 4 four times.

It's that easy!

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to ...

Hey girl are you a piñata?

Because I'd need a blindfold to smash that.

Hey boss, we’re getting married

Jim: “My girlfriend and I are getting married on 9/16”

Todd:”No way! I’m also getting married that day, we should go tell the manager to request our days off while he’s here”

The two colleagues walked to their manager’s office together to request their days off.

“Hey boss, we’r...

Hey Baby, are you russian?

Because you seem to be influencing my erection.
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*Full Disclosure: Someone else made this as a snarky comment on a politics subreddit and I realized it would make a good joke*

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

**EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that...

Hey, Terry

A woman walks into the Ipswich Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?

"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that

question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Terry." All the ch...

Talking to my X: Hey, what's up?

Talking to my Y:

?

p

u

s

'

t

a

h

w

,

y

e

H

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,

Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?

Hey, are you -273.15°C?

Yeah, I'm 0K thanks.

Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Husband: -" You promise if I tell you the truth you wont get mad?"

Wife: -"Yes I promise"

Husband: -"I sleept with your sister"

Hey Doctor, any idea why I seem to be so attracted to fat girls?

That'd be gravity, my boy.

Hey girl, are you an airport?

Coz you have so much baggage.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys

Well not to brag or anything but
I'm bad at everything

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

Kid1: Hey Dad why am I called lily?

Dad: Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid2: Hey Dad why am I called rose?

Dad: Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid3: herdurrrrahduhrgh#%*?

Dad: Shut up Cinderblock

Hey baby, are you the coronavirus?

Cause I wanna stay in bed with you for 2 weeks.

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

One day death came to a Guy and said, Hey, today is your last day.

Guy: But I'm not ready!

Death said, "Well today your name is the first on my list."

Guy: Okay then why don't you take a seat and we will drink a COFFEE before we go?

Death: All right.

The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it. Death finished COFFEE and fell...

CHRIS: Hey can I borrow a ten?

KRISTEN: Sure

CHRISTEN: Thanks!

KRIS: Any time!

Hey girl are you a COVID-19 cell?

Cause' you've got the kinda curves that take my breath away.

A woman goes into a bar and says "T G I F, hey bar keep, give me a beer."

The bartender replies, "S H I T. what would you like?

The woman says "uh, okay. I'll have a lager. Whew, T G I F"

The bartender says, "S H I T, here you go," and hands her the beer.

The woman starts to get irritated and says "why do you keep saying S H I T? I'm a lady and I...

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A guy walks into a bar and starts a drunken conversation with one of the patrons. “Hey what’re you drinking?” the patron asks. “Magic beer,” says the guy.

After arguing about it for a few minutes the guy says, “I’ll prove it to you.”
They go outside and walk to a nearby cliff. The guy chugs his Magic Beer, then jumps off. Miraculously he floats back up and settles down next to the stunned patron.The patron runs back to the bar and says to the barte...

Me: hey what's up

MC Escher: i really do not know

Hey lady, are you my appendix?

Cause I don't know what you do, but I got this feeling inside me that says I need to take you out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar and yells, "Hey barkeep, how about a round of drinks for everyone here before the shit starts?"

Everyone cheers. Bartender says ok, and pours a round of beers for the whole bar.

A little while later the guy yells again, "Hey barkeep, how about another round of drinks before the shit starts?"

Everyone cheers louder. Bartender says ok, and pours another round of beers for the whol...

We were driving on the highway and suddenly my wife said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. right.”

Hey Siri! My girlfriend broke up with me.

Oh no, I’m so sorry! Do you want a joke to cheer you up?

Sure.

What is the difference between you and a calendar?

What?

The calendar has dates.

I’m getting tired of seeing the comment “Hey OP, I banged your mom” every time I post something on Reddit.

I shouldn’t have told Dad what my username is.

Hey guys if you know anyone who's spending Christmas alone because they don't have friends or family let me know!

Because I'd need to borrow them some chairs

Hey, I started a new business!

“Hey, I started a new business!”

*”Really? What business are you in?”*

“We’ve been building a fleet of bakeries on wheels.”

*”And how’s business?”*

“The dough is just rolling in.”

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

"Hey, did you see that flat bullet walking out of the building?"

"Oh, yeah. Him. He got fired."

Hey dad, I've a job interview tomorrow

"Hey dad, I've a job interview tomorrow. Can you call me an Uber tomorrow at 8am?"

"Sure thing, that sounds strange, but I can do it for you my son, love you, good night."

At 8am the next day.

"Uber, wake up now, aren't you going to an interview?!"

"Hey, can you help me sharpen these throwing stars?"

"Shuriken"

Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.

Dave: Oh yeah? What’d you see?

Sam: We’ll it’s kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get naked.. I mean that could only mean one thing..

Dave: Which is?

Sam: Exactly

Hey girl is your name Karl Marx?

Cuz you're starting an uprising in my lower classes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl ...

... you like big dicks?

-Yes!

-Damn...

Hey Reddit, what are your favorite lame jokes?

"Wanna hear a pizza joke?"

"Nevermind, it's too cheesy."

"Hey, I borrowed your car yesterday and I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"The air bags worked perfectly"

Me: “Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.”

Waiter: “I asked if you were dining alone.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. Yes.”

Hey, do you think Jesus could have chewed or gnawed his way off the cross?

Boy, I don't know... that's a real nail-biter...

Joker to Batman: "Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?"

"Yeah sure."

Joker: "Ok, parental love".

Batman: "I don't get it.."

"exactly."

Hey baby, call me Colgate

Because 9 out of 10 dentists recommend me in your mouth.

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

Hey Bartender

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey Siri, why am I so terrible at talking to women?"

"My name is Alexa you two timing piece of shit."

Hey can I see that menu?

Bro, sure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey, Watson! Is that mud on your shoes?

No, shit. Sherlock.

Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?

I don't know, they just ransomware.

Hey Captain Kirk, who's your most productive officer?

That would be Pavel - any task I give him, he'll quickly Chekov.

Hey Girl are you a P.O box ?

Cuz I heard u like to have mails inside you

Me: Hey Siri, I lost my Job.

Siri: That's bad, do you want me to tell a joke to cheer you up?
Me: Sure, go ahead.
Siri: What's the difference between a You and Large Pizza?
Me: Idk
Siri: A large pizza can feed a family.

A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush".

Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"

Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.

Hey, do you remember that 90's boy band which advocated for a way to save water while peeing?

It was called "in sink" or something like that.

Paul: "So lads, any idea how we're gonna end 'Hey Jude'"?

John: Nah.

George: Nah.

Ringo: Nah.

An old man is fishing when he hears a voice. Hey guy!

He looks around and sees no one. Hey guy, he hears again. He looks down and all he sees is a frog. Confused, he picks it up. The frog in relief says "thank goodness I've been trapped like this for years!" The old man is astounded, he's holding a talking frog. "Sir, I'm a beautiful princess, if you k...

2 cows were talking and one says, "Hey, have you heard about this mad cow disease?"

And the other one says, "Why are you asking me? I'm a helicopter."

Hey England, you know what oday is?

“Where’s the T?”

“We threw it in the harbor, 244 years ago”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

Hey, Chicken, why did you cross the road?

I'm sorry, I thought this was a free range country!

Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

Hey Reddit, are you connected to the CIA?

[removed]

Hey Dad, I have this idea for a TV show

"Hey Dad, I have this idea for a TV show. It's like those ghost hunter shows, but instead of idiots walking around in the dark saying, "Is there a spirit in here?", it will be skeptics debunking it, and finding out what's really going on."

"They had a show like that when I was a kid."
...

"Hey everybody I'm from the D.N.A"

The National Dyslexics Association.

“Hey dad, why is my sisters name Teresa?”

“Your mother named her after her love for Easter, and when you rearrange the letters you get Easter.”

“Alright, thanks dad..”

“No problem Alan!”

“Hey, bug on my back,” asked a fly. “Are you a mite?”

“I mite be,” giggled the mite.

The fly groaned. “That’s the worst joke I’ve ever heard!”

“Well, what did you expect?” said the mite. “I came up with it on the fly.”

hey girl you want to mogwai

Mogwai?!

Yeah get wet and multiply

The scientist asks, "Hey, why so blue?"

The litmus paper answers, "I just came from a date with a pretty basic solution.”

I forgot to bring the drinks to my senior prom. But hey, look at the bright side.

No punch line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

Hey guys, why did Vikings put barcodes on there battleship?

So when they get back to the port, they can scan-the-navy-in!

A horse walks into a bar.......

The bartender asks "hey, why the long face? Are you depressed?"


The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" and promptly disappears.


You see, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement "I think, therefore I am" and I could ha...

Hey dad, when should you use a condom?

"About nine months before you were born."

One guy says to his friend "Hey ask me about my funny clock joke"

The other guy doesn't ask. He waits around a week then finally says "Hey, tell me that clock joke you mentioned a week ago."

The first guy exclaimed:
"Finally! It's about time!"

"Hey Boss..."

"My wife asked me to go on a shopping tour with her today. Can I leave early?"

Boss: "No!"

"Thank you Boss! I knew I could count on you!"

Hey girl, you're a 10 on my scale...

But that's only because you're basic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'Hey Mr Tambourine man play a song for me...'

'What, on a fucking tambourine?'

Hey, don’t tell anyone that I have a woodpecker…

… and I won’t tell anyone that you have splinters in your mouth.

"Hey bro, nice soul patch!"

\- "Thanks!"

\- "No problem; my girlfriend has the same thing, just not on her face."

"Hey son, I have a joke for you"

"Knock knock !"

"Who's there ?"

"Youra !"

"Youra who ?"

"Youra dopted !"

Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm

Because you're annoying and wont shut up

Bald guy: "Hey, bro, I'm new in town. Do you know where I can buy a toupee?"

Bro: "Not off the top of my head."

Bert: Hey Ernie, you want some ice cream?

Sherbert.

A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny...

A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy whose been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.

[OC] Hey girl, are you a keyboard?

Because you're something I might just smash out of frustration.

Hey, my band needs a new kazoo player. You interested?

...



Kazoo'd be great!

“Hey man, you hear about trump running again?”

“Yeah, apparently they haven’t caught him yet”

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, are you Afghanistan?

Because it would take me 20 years to pull out.

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

Hey girl are you the force of gravity?

Because I'd rate you a -9.8

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