Hey girl, are you a newspaper?

Because there’s a new issue with you every single day

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, are you interested in premature ejaculatiors? Cause

Hnnng, nevermind

Joker to Batman: "Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?"

"Yeah sure."

Joker: "Ok, parental love".

Batman: "I don't get it.."


"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?"

No idea, they just ransomware

"Hey Yoda, Why did 5 go to 6's funeral?"

"Because 6, 7 8."

A blind blond guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Hey! Do you all want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

One of the patrons takes the guy aside and says, "Look, buddy. The bartender is blond. The 400-pound wrestler sitting near the window is blond. The armed police officer sitting at the bar is blond. The lawyer sitting at the back of the bar close to the washrooms is blond. The martial arts guy sittin...

My girlfriend said “Hey, unlock your phone, I need to see something...”

And I said, “I don’t even let my wife go through my phone. Why don’t you trust me?”

Hey guys what do you call an emergency vehicle made out of potatoes?

A yambulance

Hey baby, are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street and I can't afford to pay you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”

“No, shit, Sherlock.”

Me:Hey bro someone said you sound like an Owl

Bro: Who?

Me: Exactly

Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast?

…Just follow my simple instructions:
1. Hold down the Shift Key
2. Press the number 4 four times.

It's that easy!

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

Rat: Hey, where are you going?

Snail: To a new year's party.

Rat: But 2020 is a month away.

Snail: I know, I better start sprinting.

"Hey man, do you think it'd be possible to build two piers next to each other?"

"no way, that's a pair o' docks!"

No idea if that's been posted before, just came up in my head and I don't think I seen anyone else make it

"Hey, don't make jokes about AIDS"

"Really dude, are you sure i can't making jokes about AIDS"

"Im not just sure, Im HIV positive."

(Credit to southpark, but tweaked a bit)

We were driving on the highway and my wife said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You Mrs. right!”

Guy: Hey, nice to meet you. My name’s John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

Other guy: Ok, you’re not gonna believe this...

Hey dad, is that a wiener dog on that pier?

No, that’s a dock, son.

Hey girl do you work at the DMV?

Because it feels like you're gonna make me wait forever for something that'll only take 5 minutes.

"Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer. “Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”

“Great. Then I’ll have a refill."

Hey Pinocchio would that be your knee?

No it wood knot.

"Hey guys, who wants to hear a blonde joke?", says a blind man after settling himself down on a stool in a bar. The question was met with dead silence.

After a few seconds pause, the bartender walks up to the blind fella and puts his face right up to his nose and says, in a deep menacing voice:

"I'm blond, and I don't appreciate blonde jokes. My wife is right next to me, she's blonde and she doesn't appreciate blonde jokes either. And best o...

So one guy say to the other guy "hey dude, do you want a pamphlet?"

The other guy says "brochure"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting on the bus, next to this lady when I turned to her and said, "Hey lady, can I smell your feet?" She became offended and replied, "OF COURSE NOT!"

"Then it must be your pussy."

Hey Girl, are you a school?

Because I'd love to shoot kids inside you

"Hey, are you coming out tonight?" I asked my Hindi friend.

He said "Namaste"

Hey guys it’s no nut November...

Which sucks cuz thanksgiving is the only time I see my cousins.

Her: Hey, is your stomach flat?

Me: Yes but the "L" is silent.

"Hey, I borrowed your car yesterday and I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"The air bags worked perfectly"

Hey girl are you today’s date

Cause you lookin like a 1/10

"Hey, teacher," said Mr Soprano, "what grade did I get in the test?"

"A, Tony!" said the teacher.

Hey is your refrigerator running?

PG&E turned my power off, can I keep some food in there?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, are you from Iraq?

Coz you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up.

A horse walks into a bar and all the stunned bartender can think to do is point a finger at him and say "Hey"

The horse says " yes, make it a double."

Friend: Hey what's up?

Me: Its a movie about an old man turning his house into a hot air balloon

Hey girl, are you missing your pants?

Because I can give you some of my genes.

A rope walks into a bar and then the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind” So the rope walks out and unties him self, he walks back into the bar and then the bartender says “Hey aren’t you the guy from before?” The rope then said,

The rope then says
“No I’m a frayed knot”

Hey girl, are you from IKEA?

'Cause my wife and I are going to have a fight over you.

The judge came home and found his wife in bed with his very best friend. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

"See," the wife said to the man beside her, "I told you he was stupid."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

“Hey man, is everything okay with Wyatt?”

“I don’t think so, he’s way to Qwyatt.”

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

Man: Hey! How much is your consultation fee? Lawyer : $100- for 3 questions.

Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it?

Lawyer : Yes, now what is your third question.

Dad: “Hey son can you pass the dopted?”

Son: “What’s a dopted?”

Dad: “You’re adopted”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey, I have a problem.

"Don't say that, your problems are my problems ok? We're in this together, thru thick and thin. So next time say, "WE have a problem"

That is so sweet of you.

So WE fucked your best friend.

Hey girl, are you a Communist?

Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.

Hey, before you make fun of China, you should actually visit the country...

They won’t let you back in after.

hey u guys wanna hear a dad joke?

Okay it’s me. I am my dad’s biggest joke.

A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him “Hey what’s all that in your pocket?” He says “It’s tennis balls”

They guy says “Well, if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big grizzly bear was taking a shit in the woods and noticed a rabbit taking a shit too. Bear says hey rabbit do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?

No said the rabbit so the bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him

Hey Girl! Are you a software program?

Because I want to execute you

Hey, I got a paper joke!

But.. I'm not sure if I would tell you. It's teribble.

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: Hey, dad. I'm gay. I really wanted tell you this a long time ago, but I couldn't muster up the courage. What do you want to say about it?

Dad chokes. A tear rolls down his eye. With his heart brimming, he hugs his son tight and whispers into his ear.

"Hi gay, I'm dad"

"Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

Hey you know what day it is today right?


Hey Frend, did you here the joke about the ocean?

Nevermind, its too *deep* for you

Hey! How about that? I have good news for people wearing glasses!

Next year you'll be finally able to see 2020.

Hey girl, are you the French Revolution?

Because I keep imagining you sans-culottes

"Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"

"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

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