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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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On a first date with Medusa I was staring at her boobs she told me, "Hey pal my eyes are up here."

I was already rock hard though.

"Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"

"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

Robin: Hey Batman, the Batmobile won’t start!

Batman: Did you check the battery?

R: What’s a “tery”?

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Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

Hey girl, are you a USB port?

Because I might have to flip you over a few times before it fits.

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Hey baby, you like big dicks?

Her: ooooh yeah!

Me: .....damn it.

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Uhm, hey ... so i got this real big problem with a good friend of mine, listen.

This guy is extremly pissed about me, because i sniffed at his sister's underpanties. I don't know if it's because she was still wearing them or her parents were present.... Dude, i tell ya... strange funeral."

" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".

So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about...

"Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

Hey,what's a race thing and starts with n and ends in r

Nascar

Hey girl are you Area 51?

Cause the government will shoot me for trying to get inside you forcefully

Hey guys. I am so happy and proud of myself and i thought i should share with you!! Today i saw myself on TV

When I turned it off!

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.

The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."

Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things t...

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Hey, don't talk shit about our armed forces

My girlfriend's husband is a Marine!

Dad: Hey son, you got my whatchamacallit??

Son: Yeah I doodad

Hey ladies, you know the difference between me and my couch?

The couch can support a family.

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

Me: Hey man i’m thinking about converting to judaism

Him: No way dude

Me: Yahweh dude

Hey, dictators! Moving the Earth further from the sun will keep you in power. Why?

Because it will take longer to make one full revolution.

Hey do any of you remember the joke about the boomerang?

Don't worry, it'll come back to you :)

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4 guys are hanging out together. Larry gets up and says “hey did you know 1 in 4 guys are gay”

John gets up and says, “I hope it’s chuck, he’s really cute”

Hey do you know where I can find some buccaneers?

Yes on either side of your buccan head.

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital!!!.... just kidding they get shot.

Solar Panel: Hey wind turbine, what's your favorite kind of music?

Wind Turbine: I'm a big metal fan

Hey guitar players, what's God's favourite chord?

Gsus

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Hey Mr!

1 - Looks like you've gained a little weight! When's the last time you saw your penis?

2 - It's been a while

1 - Why don't you diet?

2 - Why? What color is it now?

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Hey bro, you know how I know you're gay?

Because your dick taste like shit.

Hey Android guys ! Wanna hear a joke about privacy ?

You won’t get it.

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

"Hey man look at that new trainee, She is hot, I think she is 36C"

Out of nowhere HR Manager comes behind me and says "What did you just say?"

I replies "Do you want to hear it in Fahrenheit ?"

Hey baby are you free tonight?

Because I don't have any money

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HERCULES: Hey Perseus, have you seen my beer?

PERSEUS: Oh, I think Achilles took it.



HERCULES: Motherfucker!



OEDIPUS: You called?

Me: Hey girl, want to have the greatest night of your life?

Her: Yes!

Me: Oh... well, never mind then.

Hey girl are you blocking a water source

Because... Dam.

My original joke on my tinder profile. Idk if this should be on r/dadjokes

Guy walks into a barbershop and says, “hey, Bob Peters here?”

The barber says, “no, we just cut hair.”

Hey bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?

Brochure.

Hey girl are you from Tennessee?

Because I’ve never met someone from Tennessee and I’m starting to have doubts that it’s a real state

Hey, you know what they say about big feet?

Big depression

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

Batman: Hey, you wanna watch a movie?

Superman: Cape Fear?

Batman: Only when I’m riding an escalator. Want to watch a movie or not?

Hey, do you hear about that restaurant on the moon?

Great service, no atmosphere.

Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?

Never mind, you won’t get it.

Hey didn't you use to blow bubbles in the bathtub as a kid?

I saw him the other day, he told me to tell you hi!

kid: hey dad, am i adopted?

dad: no you're dave.

even if we wanted to name you that, you were already named dave when we adopted you

A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts "Hey are you a caiman?"

"I'm alright, thanks kid" he replies

Hey did you hear about those dyslexic devil worshippers?

Yeah, they sold their souls to Santa.

Hey kids, what are you supposed to say if a stranger offers you drugs?

You say "thank you," because drugs are expensive.

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Hey, Fellow people with social anxiety, want to meet up tomorrow?

Oh wait, I greatly apologise but I can't make it.

I am very busy, shit

Maybe another time.

If the Rolling Stones sing "hey, you, get offa my cloud!", what do the Scots sing?

"Hey, MacLeod, get offa my ewe."

Hey Ernie, you want some ice cream?

Sure Bert!

I asked my Dad: "Hey Dad, if I was ugly, would you still love me?"

He said: " What do you mean if? What do you mean still? And what do you mean Dad?"

Hey, did you find out about they guy with synesthesia?

Yeah, he mixes up his senses but has great taste in music!

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Hey girl, are you from Iraq?

Cause I like the way you Baghdad ass up.

Hey girl are you a slime ball?

'Because you make my piston sticky

Hey, have you heard that the president of Russia was kidnapped?

They say he was Putin the trunk of a car.

“Hey I made a playlist for our hike later”

It’s a trail mix. It has a lot of Eminem

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

2 kids are on their way to Disneyland...

They’re almost there, then see a sign that says “Disneyland Left”

So they go home and cry into their pillows

"HEY, NICE TIE!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.

"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.

"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the barten...

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Hey girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

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Dave walked into the office, starting his lines with: "Hey guys, I had a weird dream last night"

"God himself asked if I want to improve my memory, but my dick size decreases, or the other way around, to-"

This is where I had to stop him.

"Dave, stop. You told us this story yesterday"

Jesus and Moses are having a conversation in heaven...

Jesus "Moses, people are starting to lose faith and I don't know what to do about it"



Moses "Well, the last time you preformed some miracles in person, it really made people gain faith"



Jesus "Thats a good idea"



So Jesus and Moses go down to earth to a he...

Hey girl, are you a broken compass?

Because I’m not really sure where I’m going with this

Two aliens are talking to each other in space.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

“Hey you, Ninja!”

“Yeah?”

“Think you can hit that tree with your throwing star??”

“Shuriken!”

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Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,

Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?

Student: "Hey professor, can I do anything to help my grade?"

Professor: "Um...it's May"

Student: "Sorry! *May* I do anything to help my grade?"

So I'm at the nuclear missile facility and my boyfriend texts me "Hey Anna, wanna come over? ;)"

The general asks me for target coordinates for a missile launch so I do a search.

Using satellite imaging, I find the perfect spot and fire straight away.

Me: "General, we've launched a nuclear strike at these coordinates."

He looks at me in extreme confusion.

General: "W...

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A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces ...

“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

Hey girl . . .

. . . Are your parents bakers?
Cause' you look a little inbred.

Me: Hey, can you say the second last letter of the alphabet?

Friend: Why?

Me: Thanks

Mouse: "Hey Snake, what are you up to tonight?"

Snake: "I'm meeting my soulmate"

Mouse: "Oh wow, that's amazing. How do you know it's your soulmate?"

Snake: "You misheard me. I said I'm eating mice, whole, mate."

Hey, you see that mushroom over there?

You should date him, he's a Fungi

Sansa: Hey, so I really like this cute top I saw on Amazon and want it to be delivered through Prime ASAP. What shipping speed shall I select?

Arya: Not two day.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

My friend was looking at an old school picture of me and asked "Hey, did you grow a beard?"

No, I shaved my photos.

Satan:Hey I bought your soul last week and-

Me:No refunds

Satan:Please it’s making me sad

My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.

Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.

Friend 1: hey buddy, I see you got a new hearing aid. What kind is it?

Friend 2: five o’clock

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

“Hey, I’m supposed to meet a guy made entirely out of fog. Have you seen him?”

“Sorry, you just mist him.”

- Friend: Hey, do you want to hang out this weekend? - Me: Generic excuse

- Friend: Did you just say "generic excuse"?

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