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Heretic Jokes

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

What’s the bone most often broken by heretics?

The blasfemur.

What's the worst that could happen to an heretic cow ?

Being burned to the steak

Heresy

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious o...

When I became a heretic I did not expect....

>!The Spanish Inquisition!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm going to become a fortune teller, and I went to buy a crystal ball from a mystic...

The mystic said, "always cover it with a black cloth when you're not using it."

I asked, "oh because it may invoke spirits without my knowledge?" "Of course not" she said.

I asked "oh because the neighbors might see and brand me a heretic?" "Not that either" she said.

I asked...

What did the Pope say to the heretic who successfully lobbied to be buried on hallowed ground?

"What we have here is a failure to excommunicate!"

Two friends, one is a religionist, the other is a heretic

Despite their huge difference they were best friends since childhood. While religionist one praying, the heretic one drinking all the time and hanging out with hookers. The heretic one suddenly died one day and religionist one prayed so much for him as he has been doing everyday.
When the religi...

What did the Romans say after they caught the heretic?

Nailed it.

How many heretics does it take to change a lightbulb?

We're not sure, they've yet to see the light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus decided to come down on earth after 2000 years

And wanted to save people. He saw an old lady, looking rather devoted religious type, long coat, veggie cart etc. He walked up to her and said "Hi, I'm Jesus and I'm here to save you". She started hitting him with her bag, shouting "Get lost you heretic!". Sad Jesus continued his soul saving quest.<...

I met a man on a bridge getting ready to jump.

I said "Wait, friend. Don't jump. Don't you have faith in the Lord?"

The man paused and said "Yes. I do have faith in the Lord."

I said "I'm a Christian." He said "Me too."

I said "I'm a protestant." He said "Me too."

I said "I'm a Lutheran." He said "Me too."

I sa...

Once upon a time there was a girl,

this girl had the ability to heal others any other living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came into her door and out of the kindness of her heart she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her while he girl outstretched her hand to shake it, as was customary. But alas the demon fle...

A witch, a saint and a shaman all walk into a tavern...

The Witch says, "I get my powers from mixing brews and consorting with demons!"

The Shaman says, "What a coincidence! I get my power by communing with the spirits of the land."

The Saint laughs, "You are all heretics!" and burned the two at the stake in the name of his god.

If I ever ran a tobacco company...

... I'd name my cigarettes "heretics". So anyone could burn his own heretic every single day.

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump...

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump, so I approached him and said, “Don’t jump!”



And he said, “I’ve got nothing to live for and no one cares about me in the slightest.”



So I replied, “You’re forgetting about God.”



The man s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

god is waiting at the gates of heaven, and is waiting to give judgement to the next batch of people

the first man comes in. he is a priest. god asks "how did you die?" the man replies, "I was shot while I was having sex." god says that he can't have sex, being a priest and sworn to chastity, and god sends him to hell.



the second man appears. god asks "how did you die?" the man says ...

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