A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory....

It’s okay not to know what prefix means.

It’s not the end of the word.

Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied?

After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum

It's okay if you don't know the word miniscule.

It doesn't mean much, anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

Is it okay to start drinking when the kids get to school

or does that make me a bad teacher?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Okay, how bad is this one?

How does a person with multiple personality disorder live with oneself?

Well, they don't....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets to prison, meets his new cell mate, this jacked motherfucker, British sitting at the edge of the bed.

Cell mate: (British Accent) Listen mate it’s going to happen, so let’s get this over and done with, would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: (Scared) What do you mean?

Cell mate: Would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: Well fuck, if I have to I guess I will...

A Soviet citizen is buying a car

He finally saved up enough rubles, went to the agency, and paid for a car.

He is told, "Come back on August 8th, 1983 to pick up your new car"

"But that's eight years from now."

"Yes, isn't it wonderful? The wait used to be ten years."

"Okay, fine. August 8th, 1983. Morni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady...

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, ...

A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.

"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,

"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"

The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."

The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...

My boyfriend has dandruff.

"My boyfriend has dandruff. What's the best way to remove it?" I texted my mother.

She replied, "Just give him Head & Shoulders."

20 minutes later.

I texted my mother back, "Okay. Now how do I give the shoulders?"

A man goes in for a prostate exam

The gentlemen is waiting for the doctor to come in and start the examination.

The young doctor comes in and greets the patient explaining that he will conduct the exam and grabs a pair of gloves.

The doctor then says “ Okay Steve this is your first Prostate exam, don’t get an errectio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[alphabet naming committee] okay what comes after O and P?

let's just do O and P again but give them dicks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my b...

A man was in the confession booth confessing his sins to the priest…

And he said “father, I must confess, I almost cheated on my wife.”

The priest said “What do you mean, you *almost* cheated on your wife?”

The man explained, “father, I was in bed with another woman, we got naked together but I we only rubbed against each other, I didn’t actually put i...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.


After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember thing...

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas. She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees som...

A man who had worked for British Rail in a small village for many years decided it was time to move up in the world... [long]

Walter had been a track-switcher on the railway line that ran past his tiny English village for most of his life. All day long he sat in his little hut and switched the points as trains approached.

One day he got it into his head that it was time to move up in the world, so he wrote to Britis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Okay, so IKEA's "Assembly Point" is a fucking joke.

After building my new wardrobe outside the IKEA store, I couldn't fit the thing in my car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The ole cowboy

An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.

Moishe: Black is a color

Abram: No it is not.

Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.

Abram: No, it's not.

They go to the rabbi.

Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?

Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.

Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.

Abr...

An elderly couple gets divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going To Hooters

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington.
They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking along the Las Vegas strip, and meets the most beautiful woman he's ever seen....

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"$5,000" she replies.

"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven", she replies.

The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she’s right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.

"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.

The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a...

Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". No spaces, all lowercase.

Sooo, are you....?

An elephant meets a boa for the first time. Intrigued, he asks him:

\- You're a weird creature ... how do you move? You have no legs.

\- Well, it's simple, I'm crawling…

\- Oh, Okay!

The elephant start to move, but, even more intrigued, he turns and asks again:

\- ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

A mother puts her two sons to bed, before they fall asleep.

The older brother tells his little brother, "I think it's time we started cussing."

The younger brother asks, "Well what are you going to say?"

The older brother responds, "I'll say, Hell."

The younger brother sa...

The sin of Gluttony

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony. However, eating too much pie is okay because the sin of pi is always zero.

An Artist asks his model if she’s okay with nudity

Model-“Yes I am”
Artist- “Thank God! These pants were killing me!”

Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?

Customer: Yes... I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight and, you know, I need some...

Pharmacist: Protection?

Customer: Right.

Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?

Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.

Pharmacist: Okay, that'l...

A husband and wife are expecting twins

A husband and wife are expecting twins; she's pregnant with a girl and a boy. A couple of weeks before her due date, the wife is hanging out with her brother at home and suddenly has shooting pains in her abdomen. Her husband is out of town for work, so she has her brother drive her straight to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you...

A man is at a doctor's office about to have his prostate checked.

The doctor says "Okay, Steve, let's not get an erection again during the procedure." The man looks at the doctor confused, and says "My name isn't Steve, it's Dave." The doctor says "I know. I'm Steve."

My fried just got engaged to her boyfriend, Peter, and was gushing about how in love she is. Obviously the first thing out of my mouth was "oh, so you're a massive Peterphile!" Apparently that was "inappropriate" and now she's annoyed with me.

This is actually a true story, so hope it's okay that it's not in a standard joke format.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor poor William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Ea...

Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?

Me: I wish I had a tail.

Genje: Wejrd but okay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

Clap on and off lights are okay,

unless they’re in a bedroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jumper cable joke

A guy from the country has some work to do in the city. It's all paperwork and he hates that shit. When he finally gets everything finished he decides to stop and have a beer before driving back home.

Unfortunately, the first place he stops is a posh fern bar. The bartender goes, "Dude, I ...

The Italian Mother

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women int...

Chili special

Guy goes into a diner and sees the special of the day is chili. Waitress comes up and asks what he'd like and he says, I'll take a bowl of that chili. Waitress apologizes and says we sold out, that guy, pointing next to him, got the last bowl. The guy says okay that's fine I'll have a Dr pepper for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

A women is out golfing (the magic frog)

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but...

A magician performs magic tricks on the Titanic before it sinks.

In the crowd there is a parrot that somehow always knows whats going on.
He pulls a string of hankerchiefs out of his sleeve: "AWCK, he pulls it from his inner pocket!"
He pulls a rabbit out of a hat: "AWCK, A false bottom!"
He saws a girl in half: "AWCK, there are two girls!"
<...

Unpopular Opinion: It’s okay to be intolerant

If you’re allergic to dairy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Willie's Buds

A group of guys live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join...

Two guys are in a helicopter.

During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk. Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of pap...

Life is like the ocean

In the years before World War II, in a little Polish village, a learned rabbi used to teach his students, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.” One young student was particularly taken with this philosophy, and he carried it with him through the lon...

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

A woman had chronic headaches.

She had them since she was in her early teens, and had gone to the doctor, had x-rays, scans, medication, and nothing seemed to help. Finally, she went to a headache specialist, and he told her that her left breast was the cause. The only treatment was to remove the breast. The good news was that he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy from Boston was driving down a New Hampshire country road.

He saw a farmer out in his field, doing something near a horse drawn wagon. His interest piqued, he pulled over and got out to watch. After a while, it became clear the farmer was picking something up out of the plowed field and tossing it into the back of the wagon. As the farmer got closer, the gu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

Can I talk to President Trump?

Long one pardon!

„One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked ...

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?"

G...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After God made all the animals

He went to Adam and Eve he told them

" I have two leftover traits that I think you should have it, first I have the ability to urinate while standing

Adam, interrupting god said: " please let me have it, it will go very well with my member, this is made for man, please God please pleas...

Little Johnny is in class one day...

The Teacher says "Okay class I have a math question. There are 3 birds sitting on a fence. If you shoot one of them off, how many are left?"

Little Johnny jumps up with his hand raised and says "NONE... After you fire the first shot, they will all fly away!"

Teacher says "Well, the cor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

Interviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words

Lazy

Golfing and leprechauns.

One day a man was playing golf in Ireland and he sliced his drive and the ball went over to the side of the course and he heard an "ouch". The man looked over to investigate and saw that it was a leprechaun that he had hit with his ball.

"Oh I'm so sorry" said the man helping the leprechaun b...

DEA Officer at my farm

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear...

An Irish man goes to the Doctor,

Who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart but I think if you take some tablets you’ll be okay“, So the doctor gives him some tablets and the man asks “Do I have to take them every day?

“No“, “take one on Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a ...

When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?

When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.

An applicant is being interviewed for an engineering position

Interviewer: Your resume says that you can solve math problems quickly.


Applicant: Yes


Interviewer: Okay, what is 35 x 8?


Applicant: 250!


Interviewer: That's way off.


Applicant: Well, it is, but as my resume said, I'm a quick solver.

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

Wife: Honey let's play a game. Husband: What is the game all about?

Wife:If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird, you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month. Husband: ok. If you fail, I will h...

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

A Cunning Wife and a Usual Husband

Wife: Listen, shall we go to the Circus ?



Husband : No......... I'm busy..



Wife : It seems there's a Girl riding on a Lion without clothes !



Husband : You have become very stubborn. In everything you want to be stubborn .....

Okay, let's go.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are both awaiting interviews for top secret jobs within the CIA

The interviewer asks the husband to step into his office first.

"I need to know that you will do anything we ask, with no hesitation." he tells the husband as he hands him a handgun.

"Walk out into the waiting room and shoot your wife."

He looks at the gun for a second, hands it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Taliban commander called a meeting.

-Fellow taliban fighters! Are we a great nation?!
- YEEEES!
- How come we still don’t have a nuke?!
- well... that’s a shame commander! Let’s get one!!
So they got together, built a huge rocket out of tree, emptied some space in the middle using axes, cooked some uranium-235 using old Am...

What did Hera say to her husband when he asked if it was okay to sleep with other women?

Are Zeus serious?

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice cal...

Private Jones’ mother has died.

A Captain calls in the Sergeant. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother has died. Better go tell him and send him to see me.”

The Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men!” he says. “Johnson, step out and report to the mess...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oldie but goodie. A man with no arms and no legs is hanging out on a bridge, crying.

A lady walks up to him and asks “why are you crying?”. The man responds “I was born with no arms and no legs, and life has been cruel. I’ve never felt the embrace of a woman giving me a hug”.

So the lady wraps her arms around him, tells him it’s gonna be okay, but he’s still crying. So she as...

My six fingered friend doesn't understand why everyone else is okay with only having 5 fingers.

He feels that it's an odd number.

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check. As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you ...

Little Johnny learns additions in school.

Teacher: "Johnny, what is 3 plus 4?"

Johnny starts counting his finders: "One, two, three... four, five, six, seven. Seven Miss!"

Teacher: "Correct Johnny, but you need to learn doing additions without counting on your fingers. Put your hand in your pockets."

Johnny proceeds wit...

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective: okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver: I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective: Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver: NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and...

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy needs to get some plumbing work done

He searches for plumbers, finds the team that seems to be fit for the job and calls them. Two men arrive at his house and take a good look around. Finally one of them says: "Okay, we got it, come back in 3 days, we should be done".
3 days later the guy comes back and sees that they seem to have...

A man is lost in an island. Suddenly he finds himself surrounded by cannibals.

The cannibals are closing in and the man says, in absolute desperation, "Oh god, I am screwed". To his surprise, god replies -

"No, you are not. Do you see that large stone?"

"Yes."

"Pick it up and smash it on the head of the chief."

"Are you sure god?"

"Yes. Pick...

While on the run from the cops, Peter hid in a dentist's office.

Seeing that the dentist left for a break, he quickly donned the uniform to avoid getting caught. Soon after, a man entered the office for his appointment. Peter knew nothing about dentistry but he was in too deep to bail.

The client said, "I have a problem with my cavity."

Peter, tryi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two poor friends once went for a job interview

One was a scholar, the other was dumb. They came up with an idea for both to get into the job.

"I have an idea. I'll try and be ahead in the line and after they ask me the questions I'll tell you the answer after I get out."

"Okay friend I'll forever be grateful of you."

The int...

Did you hear that Ted Nugent had a beer thrown at him at one of his shows?

He was okay. It was a draft so he dodged it easily

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before the emcee was about to give his speech he noticed there were way more people in the hall than invitations that went out.

He decided to play it smart. He took the Mic and announced “Okay. So now we're gonna play a little game between the bride's and the groom's side. I request the bride's relatives to come to the left of the party hall, and those of the groom to the right.”

The orders were followed by the ‘well-...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the ...

We went from "okay, boomer"..

to "you okay, boomer?" in like a week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”

The bartender considers it and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rat. He then reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender was impressed.

After the man finishes his dr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bow...

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man And A Dog Go Into A Bar

The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The man says, "But he's a special dog!"

The bartender rolls his eyes. "Don't tell me. He talks and says 'bark' and 'roof'."

"No!," says the man. "I give him money, tell him what I want, and he goes to the store for me. When...

Bad dream

A guy went to the doctor complaining about a bad dream.

Doctor : what seems to be the problem?

Guy: I'm having dreams about this chickens playing in a soccer championship, every night.

Doctor: for how long?

Guy: must be a weak or so.

Doctor: okay, we'll solve this ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to get a physical

Doctor: okay sir, you seem to be in pretty good condition. I just need three things from you. A urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample.

Patient: Can't I just leave you my underwear?

What do you call a tattoo’d rat? [OC]

Tattatouille

(My first post here, hope I did okay)

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says

"Okay, you man the guns. I'll drive."

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree..

..a lizard comes by and asks: "monkey why are your eyes so red?", monkey replies: "i'm smoking a joint, do you want some?". Confused lizard asks: "i don't know, what's a joint?" Monkey says to him to come up to tree and he'll show him. After two joints they are both waisted and the lizard complains ...

3 Guys are waiting in line to enter heaven

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first guy, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've sus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aussie walks in to see his doctor.

Doctor: Okay, cobber, what seems to be the problem?

Cobber: Mate, could you take a look at my old fella?

Doctor: No worries, cob, just drop yer strides and rip of them nylon undies.

Cobber removes his trousers and underpants, and the doctor examines his penis and ballbag.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets a new job in a remote village with no women.

A few days after he gets there he asks a local, “You really have no women here?”.

“None” replies the man.

“Okay...so what do you do if you want to have sex?” he asks with concern in his voice.

“Oh that’s no problem, there’s a donkey tied up close to the river for that.”

T...

Son : Okay, I'll call you later

Dad: Don't call me later, call me Dad !

A Doctor tells his patient that it’s okay to smoke, drink, be fat, etc

Patient: But isn’t that bad?

Doctor: That’s why I have the highest patient return rate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got stopped on my Harley and well shit..

I think my license might be in jeopardy..
and all just because of a stupid state trooper...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over on my bike:
Trooper: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Trooper: "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Born without a Torso

A young couple goes through the heartbreak of giving birth to a baby who has no torso--the poor lad is just a head. Still, they are good parents and raise him with love, hoping for a breakthrough from medical science. Then, just before the boy's fifth birthday, the parents get a call from their doct...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rabinovich, a Soviet trade official, is called to the Party meeting to be fired.

"Please, I have a family to feed," he begs the Party official.

"Okay," the partorg says, "You will go to Paris to sell Soviet perfume. If you get the contract, we will give you a bonus and let you stay."

So Rabinovich flies off to Paris. A week later, Moscow receives a telegram.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Walks Into A Bar

The bar is on the 22nd floor of a tall high rise. He walks up to the bar and sits down next to a guy who is very drunk. After the bartender gets him a drink, the drunk turns to him and says, "Hey buddy, see that open window over there?"

The man looks and sees one of the large windows standing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After God created the world and Adam & Eve

[NSFW]

He still had 2 gifts left. God said: "The first is to stand up and pee..."
"uh, pick me, pick me, I want that" Adam interrupted.
"You don't want to hear what the other one is?" God replied, but Adam was already on his way to test out this new gift.
"Very well, eve!" God said...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

It's okay password...

...I'm insecure too...

Don't you just hate it when someone asks you to "do something funny" and you are just standing awkwardly trying to think of an appropriate joke while more and more people start to look at you? No? Just me? Okay.

Person 1: I just got 3 strikes in bowling!
Person 2: I got three strikes in baseball...

Person 1: I got "nothing but net" in basketball
Person 2: I got "nothing but net" in volleyball...

Person 1: I just hit someone in the stomach in dodgeball!
Person 2: I just hit someo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him..

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He decides he'd call in during his work day and try to catch his wife in the act. A woman's voice answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?" the man replies. The voice responds, "I'm the housekeeper. I was hired this morning. Sh...

John Cena walks into an Optometrist

Optometrist: Okay Mr. Cena, please read the top letter for me.

John Cena: U

Optometrist: Great! And the 2nd line.

John Cena: I can’t

Optometrist: So, you can’t see M E?

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

We're Sergeants Now!

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7 & 4 year old were in their bedroom. “You know what” says the 7 yr old, “I think it’s time we start swearing” so when we go downstairs for breakfast I’ll swear first and then you.” “Okay” says the 4 yr old gleefully.

As they head downstairs and sit at the table in the kitchen the Mother asks the 7 yr old what he wanted for breakfast. He quickly replies and says “I’ll have the Coco Puffs, bitch.” WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out! Mom then turns and looks at the 4 yr old and sternly says, “and w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy village man, Narendra Singh, is elected the leader of a group of villages in North India

He decides to give a victory speech to each of these villages. To do this, however, he realized he would need a secretary to introduce him and brag about how great he is, because it would look stupid if he did it himself. So he hires Mohan Nath, a highly respected member of his own village.

M...

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

Some priests told their victims it was okay to touch them because it said so in the bible.

That is, according to John,10, Luke, 8, and Matthew, 12.

A lady calls into a doctors office frantically to get an appointment, to talk about her son.

Mom: "Hi, I was trying to get my son in to be seen today."

Nurse: "Ok, what seems to be the problem?"

Mom: "Yeah, he is complaining that his palms are sweaty and his knees are weak and his arms are heavy."

Nurse: "ok"

Mom: " And poor guy just puked. So now there's vomit o...

I hope Dr. Dre is doing okay.

I would hate it if he thought that we forgot about him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Croats and a Serb get on a plane.

They're seated next to each other the Serb having the aisle seat.

He gets comfortable for the flight and takes his shoes off, when one of the Croats says:

"Fuck, I'm thirsty, I could use a coke," he starts to get up, when the Serb interrupts him.

"No, no, no. Sit down, we're bro...

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring...

The doctor said I'll be okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.