I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years.

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...

May divorce be with you.

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said,

"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

98% of all Jeeps ever made are still on the road today.

The other 2% made it home.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

Demi Lovato announced they are non-binary today

Congratulations Themi Lovato!

I watched my friend die today...

Before she died she gave me her epi-pen, I think it’s something she wanted me to remember her by

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two brothers are in their room one morning. The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

illy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it che...

This is true: I picked up a pack of ear plugs at work today and it had three in the pack

The maintenance guy said “that’s the Spock pack”

Me: “Spock pack?”

Maint: “aye; one for the left ear, one for the right ear - and one for the final front ear”

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis got stuck in the zipper today

I doubt I'll be asked to zip up a dress again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was

She said ''Fuck you''



so i'm pretty excited for 2022

It has been a bit of a strange day today...

First of all I found a hat full of money in the high street, then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.
I love supporting the community.

Nobody cares that today is my cake day...

I feel desserted...

I bought a wig for a dollar today

It was a small price toupee.

My boss arrived at work today in a brand new Ferrari..

I said ‘wow, that’s an amazing car!’

He said ‘If you work hard, put all your hours in and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.’

Today is the final countdown...

4-3-21

Had a job interview with ISIS today...

They asked me where I see myself exploding in five years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I leaned it is not appropriate to call your brothers boyfriend

A brotherfucker.

I met Bruce Lee's vegan brother today.

His name is Brocko Lee.

Today my wife gave birth to our son and unfortunately he was born with a very rare skin condition.

My wife told me it is called a “pre-natal sun burn”. Apparently it can be caused by too much time in tanning beds or long exposure to the sun on the beach.

Essentially all it does is dye the pigments of the child’s skin dark brown but he shouldn’t feel any pain.

She told me that there...

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

My wife asked me for a divorce today, citing that I was too "un-American".

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

I got asked out by 15 different women today

Oops, wrong restroom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I asked my daughter for a phone book...

She said "you're such a boomer" and handed me her phone.

So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now..

Did you see that Dwarfism was in the news today?

It's a growing problem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

Someone called me lazy today

I almost replied...

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

A joke my mother told me today

A British man comes to a village and is given saag^1 on bajra roti^2. He eats the saag by itself and returns the roti to his hosts, saying "Here is your plate."

1. Saag is a mushy dish made with boiled spinach or mustard greens

2. Bajra roti is a flat bread made from millet, it has no...

My ex girlfriend got run over by a bus today

Today has just been horrible. I even lost my job as a bus driver.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That's 5 years in a row now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Employee: I can't come to work today I'm sick

Boss: You don't sound sick at all

Employee: Well I fucked my sister, is that sick enough!?

My crush came to my work today and I fingered her

Sometimes being a mortician is awesome.

I got my first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine today…

For the next few weeks I’ll be doing things half-vaxxed.

I got a Buddhist email today

There was no attachment.

Today I went for a walk with a beautiful woman

Then she noticed me, so we went for a run

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They served pizza at work today, and I finally understand the saying "pizza is like sex".

Because I didn't get any.

I was going to make a joke about Bill and Melinda Gates’ divorce today, but I stopped myself...

It’s not really PC

I was shocked today when I heard my neighbor..

.. telling his son the difference between Email and Gmail.

He said Email is when you use Electricity to send mail while Gmail is when you use Generator to send mail.

I'm still struggling to catch my breath.

I went to the Opticians today and at the end she asked if I was married or in a relationship...

I said "yes I am, why?"

She said "Well your eyes are fine but your girlfriend needs to come in for a checkup ASAP!"

I got fired from work today

I don't know why, I didn't even do anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job at the golf club today, here's how the conversation went.

*"This is not acceptable at all! You're fired!"*, said my boss.

"But sir I-"

*"I'm not hearing any excuses! You put your dick inside the golf ball washer!!? This is not acceptable at all!"* my boss replied.

"I understand sir, I'm really sorry."

*"Good. You may leave at on...

my girlfriend got vaccinated today

now she wont hold any air

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

Today I'm only celebrating my birthday for half a minute!

I guess you could say it's my thirty-second birthday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

Today's my birthday, so if I'm not around much...

...it's because I don't have any presence.

I bought an e-book today.

I was pleasantly surprised it contained a lot of other letters as well.

I told a chemistry joke today...

There was no reaction. :)

A cheese factory exploded in France today

De Brie was everywhere

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I attended a premature ejaculators support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

I ate a kid's meal at the McDonald's today.

The parents called the manager.

Today is a Nice day.

6/9

In a tragic accident, the circus' human cannonball was killed today.

When asked if he will find a replacement, the Ringmaster responded, "Where will I ever find another man of his caliber?"

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

So, today my boss asked me to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for a meeting.

However, when I returned, I realised that I had picked 7 up instead

The world's crossword champion was buried today.

8 foot down and 3 foot across.

Today is my cake day

And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

I tried donating blood today

NEVER AGAIN!!!
Too many stupid questions
Who’s blood is it?
Where did you get it?
Why is it in a bucket?

Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...

She said, she's sorry she ever married me.

My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today

Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account

Today I got asked out by 6 girls

I was in the girls' bathroom

I received a compliment today as I boarded the train.

The conductor said “first class rear, standard front”.

I passed my Algebra test today but failed my Biology exam.

The aftermath was really difficult.

I missed my grandfather's funeral today because I slept in.

I'm not a mourning person.

My mom told me she hated me today

She forgot to say April Fools

I Ran Into My Ex Today...

So I put it in reverse, and I did it again.

And again.

Today I had both colonoscopy and gastroscopy, and in a few hours, well...

I'll see my self out.

Today a woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

When I got face to face with the woman, I said, "Miss, are you aware that you could be cited for indecent exposure?"

"Why?" the woman asked.

"Well," I said, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."

The woman quickly looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! I left my baby ...

I went to a pet store today and put a large "CHAMELEON" sign in front of an empty cage.

Stand back and watch the fun.

To all my Americans today: Happy Cinco de Mayo

To all my Mexican-American friends: happy Wednesday

A semi truck full of Ramen noodle caught fire today and the whole shipment was considered ruined

The total loss came out to be $73

Jesus walks into a bar.

He sees a Russian man with a glass of water.
Jesus asks "My son, are you a believer?"
The Russian replies "No."
With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine.
"Well my son, do you believe now?"
The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus comes in...

Today my fiance screamed at me and told me she hates at the alter

Ruined a perfectly good sacrifice.

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"

Blonde: "In three months."

Today is a good day, not great, not bad, you know, just good.

I rate this day 5/7

The guy who invented Velcro died today.

RIP

Got stopped on the highway today...

Officer : "Any drugs, alcohol?"

Me : "No thanks !!! I got everything. "

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I just can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

People like to say that popular music today is so simple, but it's actually always been this way.

After all, Nina Simone is most famous for a 10 minute song about cinnamon.

There was a fire at my local model village today

Eye witness reports claim that flames could be seen from up to 3 feet away

NSFW. What do you call a hooker that likes to take it in the rear

NSFW

A back ho

(Fogive me, 1st post but my dad told me this one today.)

Today I met someone who never finishes his proverbs.

It’s very irritating to talk to him, but you know what they say,

Today I was counting potatoes

I was being quantipotative.

My daughters pet lamb died today.

The grieving process was delicious.

Today, I learned that some people are disgusted that others pee in the shower

I don’t think it was necessary to cancel my gym membership over it though.

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized...

I don't even *have* a coconut...

Today at work, I saw three pantless beautiful ladies

in a Zoom meeting

Some sad news today.

After seven years of medical training, my friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer do the job he loves. What a waste of training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.

I said "I knew it!!"

It’s hard to find deals for prosthetics in today’s economy.

They charge me an arm and a leg for their product.

My remote control batteries died out today.

So I gave them away, free of charge.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.

He was high on my list of priorities.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I decided my life is going to be about more than just my penis.

That’s huge.

Dr. Dre was arrested at a grocery store today.

He dropped too many beets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on. From Todays GCFL

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Eve...

I had to put my cat down today

He didnt like being picked up so decided put him on the ground

My 6 year old sone impressed me today. He asked me "What is the brownist number?"

What is the brownist number?

Number 2.

He has tried for months to come up with something original. Usually, they just don't make sense, or just aren't funny. This was the first time he had an original I cracked up at.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys, I'm gonna be posing nude for art class today!

Nobody asked me to. I think they're making ceramic cups. Wish me luck!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a therapist today for my increasing urge to kill animals

She said killing them in Minecraft doesn’t count

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cops pulled me over on my bicycle today, and gave me a ticket for prostitution...

They said that they had seen me pedaling my ass all over town.

I quit my job today. Couldn't work for the boss after what he said to me...

He said, "you're fired".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him

He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift end...

Today at the park / Saw a six foot tall pigeon

Now that's a high coo!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Employees calls his boss to tell him he can't come in for work today because he is sick.

The boss tells the employee "Whenever I get sick, I have sex with my wife. Maybe try that?"

Later that day, the employee calls his boss and said "Thanks for the tip! I feel so much better now! Also, you have a nice house!"

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulder...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I heard the guy who invented anagrams passed away today...

May he erect a penis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical experts in Washington DC today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdowns.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve. Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while optome...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Get your free tetanus shot today at your local junkyard!

Sponsored by Pfizer and Toyota.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that MacDonald's was founded by two brothers

named Mac and Dick. The most famous sandwich in America was that close to being called the
Big Dick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/Jokes, but today she is absent.

So a subreddit

Guess who I saw today...

Everyone I looked at

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.

**That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

I saw a funeral parlour closing it’s doors forever today…

I guess it’s a dying business

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

76 years ago today, Adolf Hitler did what no one else was able to do

He killed Hitler.

I asked out my crush in school today

Now I gotta look for a new job

Today a 49er smashed my car with a pickaxe

Fortunately, it was only miner damage

Today I learned why Alzheimer's patients love r/jokes

Because there are no reposts


Ps I'm so sorry.

I went to my son’s parent teacher conference today

An unkept older man walked out and yelled to me I can go in after the trans.

I was mortified. I started saying in this day and age anyone can be whoever they want. It’s disgusting people like you who make this world a horrible place.

That’s when I saw the Vietnamese family walk out. ...

The Kansas police found a large number of dead crows on the 135 outside of Witchita today

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varyin...

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it

I am now independent

I walked into a public restroom today, and there were two guys in there with syringes in their arms.

They must have been vaccinating themselves.

Respect.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I learned today that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands. Same thing with the Virgin Islands...

...no canaries there either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] My mom had a vaginal cyst drained today. She said it was as painful as childbirth.

I asked her how my baby cyst-er is doing.

This girl told me today that she recognised me from Vegetarian Club.

I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.

I went to the liquor store today

and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?”

I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”

Today I made a big pot of pasta,

but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.

Never put off until tomorrow what could be done today

Tomorrow is way too close.

Put it off to next month.

A man was riding his motorcycle through the border of Germany and Austria every week carrying 2 bags filled with sand.

The border guard, an older man, searched both bags every time, but never found anything so he let him through. This goes on for a couple days until the border guard had his last day before retirement. Again the man comes to the boarder, both bags filled with sand. The guard asks him: "Look man, toda...

A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar.

The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"

It's my special day today but I can't think of any good jokes...

It's a shame, I thought it would be a piece of cake.

Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to.

I could’ve told her that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today was my first and last day working on a porno set. When I asked if we had any lubricant, the producer said “KY?”

Apparently it wasn’t okay to reply “because I’m fucking dry, hand it over!”

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

I was trying to sell my pet python today

Guy asked: “is it big?”

I said: “Huge!”

He said: “How many feet?”

I said: “None - it’s a snake!”

Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New york"

So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

Today is Labor Day

So I greeted my mom a Happy Mother's day!

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