I won the lottery today!!!!

Well, I only got the first two numbers, but my lawyers are working on having them stop the count.

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watched my first porn today

But damn I was so young back then

I tried to memorize 100 digits of pi today

But why would I worry about pi on my cake day?

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor today and said

“Doctor, my ass hurts!” He said
“Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?” I said
“Right around the entrance!” He replied
“My advice is that as long as you call that the entrance, it’s gonna hurt.”

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes since 15+ years ago.

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. Th...

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2021

Today I quit drinking for good!

Now I only drink for evil.

I got mugged by 6 dwarves today

Not Happy.

Broke my finger today

On the other hand I am ok

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I told him that's the last thing I need.

Someone called me pretty today

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying" but i only focus on the positive things

A joke I came up with in my sleep today

A guy goes to see his doctor and after discussing the problem, the doctor hands him his prescription.

Guy: "Wow, this is the most legible prescription I've ever seen, doc!"

Doctor: "Mfhm sremn emsfn."

I made a Jesus joke today...

And I completely nailed it.

(Please don't crucify me this was just for a pun)

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

Today is my first cake day! So I want to share a joke with eveyone

Wait a minute. Let me find a photo of myself first

Got fired today because I asked a crying kid where his parents were

I loved working at an orphanage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

A year ago today, I was informed via email that 2020 would be the best year ever if I forwarded a prayer to 10 people.

My bad, y’all.

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: ‟What‘s the only mammal that can breathe under water?”

Me: ‟I dunno, what?”

Him (loudly): ‟An elephant sticking his trunk up!”

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

A doctor flirted with me today, she said I was really sweet!

I think she meant I was really sweet, she worded it differently and said “you’re severely diabetic” but I know what she meant. She said I’m type 2 and I told her she’s my type too

A clown held the door open for me today

I thought that it was a nice jester

I bought a new thesaurus today and it’s terrible

Not only is it terrible but it’s also terrible!

Met this girl with 12 nipples today...

Sounds weird, dozen tit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watched the weirdest porn today of some sad old man, masturbating.

Then I realised I forgot to turn the screen on.

Why did the frog take the bus to work today?

His car got toad away.

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

Finally today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit :(

Today my son would have turned four...

But i pulled out!

I was at my bank today...

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange money for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollars, today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller...

Horrible news today

N V B K I T H E K L O P F

I N V E N T O R Z S F O F

T H E E F G H J I O L P L

Y Q W O R D S E A R C H

H A S J P O D I E D G W

I volunteered to help blind children today!

That’s a verb not an adjective btw.

Gf: what are your plans for today?

Me: a friend and I are going out to buy glasses

Gf: and after that?

Me: I guess we'll see

I was at a wedding today and it was so beautiful everyone started crying

Even the cake was in tiers

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

My Dermatologist was fired today...

He made too many rash decisions

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

My baby daughter said her first word today!

She said “Neglect!”

Or something like that at least. I don’t remember, I wasn't really paying attention.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

Today I met a girl named Adobe

So I asked her who came first? The company or her father

I met a monk a year ago today, and as soon as we met, he began to pester me for secrets. I told him most, but there was one I only disclosed today. He asked how I got so much karma, and I told him...

Piece of cake

Today I become one of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

A job of guard at the Samsung store has always been my dream.

Heard at work today

When you see 20 cars in your neighbor’s driveway, and you’re thinking about calling the cops. Go over there and ask for a glass of milk. You know why? Because milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth. Minding your own business.

Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today?

No?
Better luck tomorrow.

I met the world's riches fisherman today

"What's your net worth?" I asked.

"This one was about £10" he replied.

I managed to shoot my very first turkey today, pretty proud of myself actually..

..though everyone else in the freezer section seemed a bit unhappy.

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof

I was shocked.

An alien lands today...Nov. 4, 2020

Alien: Take me to your leader

Me: Your going to have to wait 10-12 business days for us to sort that out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

Today my son told me he wanted to go help blind people after school...

The verb, not the adjective.

Went to the doctor today and rasped, "There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat." He chuckled, "It's not that serious but..."

"You'll need to have utensils taken out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ate a kids meal at McDonald’s for lunch today

His mom was pissed

I saw an escalator for the first time today

Just stopped and staired.

My dog was arrested today!

He had unpaid barking tickets.

Today i got a wage increase unexpectedly.

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

I bought a Christmas tree today.

The guy asked if I was going to put it up myself and I said no, in my living room.

I caught my first fish today!

Unfortunately, i got kicked out of the aquarium.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today

Should’ve used aloha temperature

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,

but on the other, it's just not right.

I found a book today that's all about selling your personal data for nefarious use

Facebook

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. –

I was in the women’s bathroom.

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.

You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, I was fired from my job because I wore a mini skirt

And they have the stupidest fucking excuse: "I dont want to see your cock"

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

I tried on a turban for the first time today ...

Made me feel a bit Sikh

So I went into get a flu vaccine today.

The nurse that was administering the Vaccine asked me the prequalifying questions. Have you had a flu vaccine before? Yes. Have you done your research on the vaccine? Yes. Do you understand the possible side effects? Actually I am quite excited about the side effects. She looks at me confused. ...

Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care!

As a Canadian I am outraged!

I started a new job as an Amazon delivery driver today. When I got to my first address there was a note saying ‘Dear delivery man, we’re out, please hide in garbage’

That was eight hours ago and still no one has found me

I made this up today! What do you call a guy who's been left at the old persons home three times in a week?

Jerry hat trick.



(Geriatric)

"Man, if I had listened my father when I was 8, I could've been rich today"

Friend: What did he say?

Me: I dunno, I didn't listen.



Heard that on the radio today

Today I learned all about the orbicularis oculi muscles.

Quite the eye opener I tell ya

Teacher: "Class, I am going to test you on tenses today." She point to John and says "John, if I say 'I am beautiful', what tense is it?"

John stands up, gives the teacher a perplexed look and after thinking nice and hard says "Well, it obviously is past tense."

I offered my old air mattress to a homeless guy today.

He got real excited, until i also offered him my air guitar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had my annual physical, today.

My doctor put on gloves and said he had to check my prostate. He pushed two fingers into my rectum and said, “ok, that feels good.”

And I agreed with him.

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

My gaming friends told me if I posted here today I'd get loads of upvotes...

But the cake is a lie.

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it

Guess I really am independent

Someone tickled me today and then asked: "Did you feel that?"

It was nice to finally receive a stimulus check.

Had to call the SWAT team for backup today...

... There was a fly in my car.

I took my cat in to get neutered today.

You think I'm taking this no nut November thing to seriously?

I said to my wife, 'it's really muggy outside today."

She looked at me and replied, 'if I go outside and all of our mugs are on the lawn, I'm leaving you!"

\*\*Me: Smugly continued sipping coffee from a bowl

I saw a great movie about databases today.

I can't wait for the SQL

Teacher- Joe, why are you late for school today.?

Joe- I lost my 2 dollars and was searching for it.

Teacher- And what's your reason for being late Donald.?

Donald- I was standing on that 2 dollars..

Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.

A big 10-4, if you will.

If you’re gathering with family & friends today, there’s an opportunity for recreating an historically accurate tradition.

The trading of disease ridden blankets.

I got in touch with my inner self today

Never buying cheap toilet paper again

I did something really NSFW today

I used a revolving chair to get something from the top shelf

When I found out today was my cake day

All I could say was “YOU GOTTA BE SQUIDDING ME!”

A man today went to the ER with $1,999 in bills in his rectal cavity.

Doctors report the man coming in and saying, " I haven't been feeling 2 grand lately."

Sad news today, folks. Mr. Potato Head died.

He had brain tubers.

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. They were upset for no reason.

Especially my wife.

Today I spotted an albino Dalmatian...

It was the least I could do.

There was a power cut at the supermarket today....

2 blondes were stuck on the escalator for hours.

Got my IQ test results back today

I tested negative!

I ran over a fat girl today

She asked me why I didn’t go around her.

I said I didn’t think I’d have enough gas.

i went to go tell my best friend about the new schizophrenia meds i got today...

i literally cannot find him anywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today my classmate told me: "I have a problem with degenerate homos". I was outraged by his bigoted words..

..until I realised he was talking about our physics homework!

(Glossary: Degenerate - Having the same energy level. HOMO - Highest Occupied Molecular Orbital)

Today, I found myself thinking about the one that got away...

Never buy cheap duck tape.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read in the school newsletter today that there were kids in the school toilet block pissing up the wall to see how high they could reach

Anyway, apparently the school principal heard about this and was fuming, so he stormed over to the toilets and hit the roof!

The CEO of Coke was fired today

They found traces of Pepsi in his system....

Wait shi........

I saw a sign today that made me pee myself.

It said, "TOILETS CLOSED."

So today introduced my girlfriend to my parents

It was a bit strange since they couldnt see her

My wife left me today because I'm colorblind.

That totally came out of the green.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!

######[100 years ago...]
**witch:** fuck this house

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

I told a joke to a cashier today.

It didn't register.

I think my TV may be possessed. Today I saw the Three Stooges and Ronald Reagan on it.

Its channeling dead people.

I've been on Reddit 10 years as of today...

Joke's on me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 23 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of all purpose cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as CleanBrite, the super strong all purpose cleaner. Now available with scented lemongrass.

I had enough and finally quit my job at the helium plant today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that the Trump press conference today was held between landscaping store and a porno shop?

Turns out, he was just looking for a new hoe.

...ugh, I know this is terrible. Must do better.

Like, something something Bushwhacked.

'little help?

Today's litigious culture is ridiculous. I was injured in a slip/trip/fall from a cardboard box.

I sued the box and won £5000 in corrugations.

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

Joke my 10 year old daughter told me today: If you’re an American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?

European

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

You know, I would've gone to the gym today.

It just didn't work out though.

So Sean Connery Died today.....

Couldn't he have died another day?



(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)

I washed the car with my 5 year old son today.

When we finished, he said, “Next time dad, can you use a sponge?”

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

An army general walks into a room with a solder. He said "I didn't see you today at camouflage traning...

Th soldier reply's "Thank you Sir!"

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters...

so I bought 20 stamps...and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

I just read some great political news today!...

...Arizona, Georgia and North Carolina have all projected that they will probably have the 2020 ballots counted in time for the 2024 presidential election.

Why was the red blood cell banned from church today?

Because he said God's name in vein.

I interviewed with the CIA today.

I interviewed with the CIA today. It was really cool, especially when they told me all abou

My angry egghead maths teacher hit his head on a rock today.

I think he finally cracked...

I withdrew £2000 from the bank today, and lost it all...

I didn't feel too grand

today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink

it gave me a religious movement

Ready to feel old? Smashing Pumpkins’ "1979" came out in 1995, with 16 years between the title and the year of release. If it were written today it would be called

“March, 2020.”

Today a tunnel my coworkers were in collapsed trapping the entire work crew inside.

I would report it to the police but it sounds like a miner problem.

I headed out before dawn today and braved some insane crowds, to snag some Black Friday deals.

The only thing I think I scored was a case of COVID-19.

PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

My wife ran away today with my Best Friend

I miss him..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I snapped and spanked one of my students for being disrespectful in class.

My son better be more respectful to me during this quarantine school situation.

Broke up with my girlfriend today

It is ocol though, she said we can still be cousins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers zombifyingly, "Take all the money in your purse, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil...

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"

"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

I accidentally angered two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

I gave a phone and 100 dollars to a homeless guy today.

You will never know the happiness I've felt when he put his gun away.

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.

Absolute cowards.

Well,I Decked the Halls today...

They kept coming over singing those damn Christmas carols. Bah humbug!

I saw a guy with a prosthetic leg today.

I guess you can say he had a big iron on his hip...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Asian walks into a currency exchange and get $100 back for his exchange

Next day he goes there again and for the same amount of money he receives $94 this time.

He asks the teller "why $6 less today compared to yesterday"

The teller say "fluctuations"

The Asian man get up angrily and storms out slamming the door, turns around and shouts "fluc you Am...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You would not believe the shit I had to deal with today...

But at least my stomach's feeling better.

A book fell on my head today.

I blame *my shelf*

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