This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off..

I said : son, that’s the fourth school this year.


Maybe teaching in an elementary school isnt for you

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.


So I pushed her over.

I met a Jewish girl today , and she asked for my number

I told her we use names here.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.

Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

This is my first dad joke post :)

Wife: Do you want to come home at lunchtime today for a quickie?

Me: It's pronounced "quiche"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An electrician comes home to his wife after working a job at a millionaires house...

He says to his wife “honey you will not believe this, the house I worked at today had a golden toilet.”

She says “Really? I need to see this.”

They take a ride across the neighborhood and pull up in front of a huge house.

The electrician knocks on the door, a woman answers and ...

I went to Walmart today

I went to Walmart today, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the tick...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

It’s my cake day today so I figured I’d try out a cake joke!

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.

Doctor: Next time, take off the candles

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] Not my joke, heard it at work today.

A hunter was hunting ducks up in Maine. He had successfully bagged 3 beautiful ducks, threw them in his canoe, and started paddling down the river. When he got back to his campsite, a game warden was there waiting for him.

Warden: "Well it seems like you got lucky today. Why don't you hand o...

Today was a terrible day, my Ex got hit by a bus

and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza.

Today 10 girls asked me to go out

I was in a women's bathroom.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife gave birth today....

My wife gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"






He winked at me and said "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the parking lot."

This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.

I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

There was a kidnapping at school today

It’s ok, he woke up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The inventor of anagrams died today.

May he 'erect a penis'.

Some lowlife stole my Tesla today.

I guess now it's an Edison.

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today just shocked my whole life

First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.

Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.

I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."

I called my boss to say, ‘sorry I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

He asked, ‘how sick are you?’

I said; ‘well, I’m in bed with my sister’

18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!

Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight.

18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.

Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.

I went to a fancy new coffee shop today and ordered a cup

I took a sip and it tasted awful.

“This coffee tastes like mud!”

The barista replied, “well, it’s fresh ground”

I bought the worst thesaurus today

Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

Today was awesome, I found $1.36 in change in the gym shower today

And the guy dropping them was really nice too

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I broke up with my Thai girlfriend today.

She was a little bit too cocky for my taste.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Dani...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

Edit: A few of you started laughing before the end of that joke.

​

*Credit: Gary Delaney*

Today I saw two blind people fighting...

I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..

I had to present a speech about STDs today.

Unfortunately, to get my point across I had to give everyone visual aids.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Need advice. My best friend started dealing cocaine today.

He came home tonight bragging about his first blow job.

I got taken of a plane in handcuffs today

All I did was greet my friend Jack

Today I learned about quarks.

I found them quite charming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

The first image of a Black Hole will be revealed today

it will pull everyone together

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went for a job interview today to work for a blacksmith

He asked if I had any experience in shoeing a horse?

I said ”No! But I once told a donkey to fuck off!”

My 17-year-old daughter and I made up a joke today! Q: Who is the bread God’s arch-enemy?

A: The Anticrust!

Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a man cums inside of a woman today...

Is his sperm Easter egg hunting?

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I grabbed it and ran out of the building

​

Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

​

I said, "$600 and it's yours."

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

So today I had to have a prostate exam and I asked the Doctor, "where should I put my pants?"

He said "right there next too mine."

Gotta say I had my doubts.

Russia passed a new law today

Anyone caught in word play will be severely PUNished

I'm starting my new job at the guillotine factory today.

I'll beheading there shortly.

My wife apologized for the first time ever today.

She said she's sorry she ever married me.

This poor old lady slipped and fell on the ice today.....

at least I think she was poor she only had 75 cents in her purse.

I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a optician.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I probably didn't help my case when I went to court for child molestation charges today, when the judge asked how 6-10 years sounded?

Sexy, I replied.

I bought a racehorse today, I called it “My Face”

I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want a bunch of people shouting “Come on my face”

Has anyone seen today's date?

Apparently it can't be found.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got fired from my job at a sex shop today.

I kept telling the customers to go fuck themselves!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss pulled up in a Ferrari today.

He told me , if i work really hard , don't call in sick at all , save some money and bust ass all year long , he'll be able to buy the new model next year.

My wife told me today was her favorite holiday,

but I corrected her, Easter is tomorrow, Stupid. lol.

I really got in touch with my inner self today.

I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.

I was just fired today, simply for telling my co-worker that her hair smelled nice.

I think they are discriminating against me for being a midget.

So I went onto r/wooooosh for the first time today...

I just don't get it.

I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today...

The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.

My wife said "What are you doing today?"

I told her "Nothing"

She said you did that yesterday.

I told her, "I did not finish"

Today, I got laid

off.

So I talked to a Native American today and asked how he likes to be addressed. You know Native American, First American, Indian?

He prefers Original Owner.

Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times

I really didn’t want to go for a run today.

But then the cops showed up from nowhere.

Until today, only two people knew that Michael Stype died.

That’s me and the coroner.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany.

He said we need to know about the ex axis.

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Alright class. Today, we're going to educate all teens about safe sex.

Or E.A.T.A.S.S for short

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

I took a picture of a wheat field today...

It came out pretty grainy.

I have a good feeling about my job interview today.

The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.
“You’ve found your man,” I said, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said I was responsible!”

My girlfriend got fired today for putting her hair in a bun.

She's hoping to find another bakery to work in soon.

Today in American News

Today in American News:

Red Channel- Black Holes don't exist and any images of them are a government conspiracy and a liberal coup.

Blue Channel- Black Holes exist, they were created by the Russians, they will kill everyone on the planet in 12 years and anyone who disagrees is racist...

Today, I remember my grandfather who died in Auschwitz

He slipped and fell off the guard tower.

Siri kept on calling me Shirley today

I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.

I went to a restaurant and the waiter asked, “Would you like to hear today’s special?” I said, “Yes please.”

The waiter smiled and replied, "Sure thing. Today is special."

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening me, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : “hardback?”

I said: “yeah and little heads”

Today is international Women's day

It was supposed to be yesterday but they took to long too get ready

I told my girlfriend today that she was the prettiest girl alive

Apparently that was a bad way to tell her i’m a necrophile.

If Michael Jackson were alive today...

His pronouns would be he/he.

My professor has this weird habit of reading the news to us in class. Today he didn’t show up.

So a subreddit.

I felt pretty good after leaving the grocery store today

There was this woman there checking me out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today my jerk colleague from work asked me to cover his ass so that he can attend a pool party with his friends

I refused with anger and told him to use swimming trunks like everyone else does.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy driving in his car decides to do some good deeds today!

Shortly after he sees a guy dressed completely in yellow waving at him. So our guy stops the car and rolls down the window.
"Hello there friend", says our guy, "how may I help you?"

The guy in yellow then responds. "Hello friend, I am the yellow faggot! I need a ride to the city."

O...

Miss Crabtree says to the little rascals, “ Class today I’m going to say a word and I want you to spell it and use it in a sentence. The word is Dictate”.

Buckwheat raises his hand.
“Ok Buckwheat spell the word.”
Buckwheat spells, “ d-i-c-t-a-t-e”.
Miss Crabtree: “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”
Buckwheat says, “ How my dictate Darla?”

Great Easter joke I heard today

**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"

**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."

**Wife**: "What do you mean?"

**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."

**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."

**Husband**: "What do you m...

I got impaled by a deer today:

It was a massive fawn in my side

I walked into an old defunct Nike store today. The place was depressing because-

there wasn't a sole in sight.

Learned today what causes high tides.

Sea weed.

Today I learned that heat makes things expand

Your mom is REALLY hot

So I put my finger in liquid nitrogen today..

And I am glad to inform you it's still more than 0K.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a bookshop today, I asked a busy female assistant where the section on clitoral stimulation was.

Despite her best efforts, I couldn't find it.

My nutrition store ran out of protein powder today

I was like “no whey”!

The hunchback of Notre Dame had to go on sick leave today

He was burned out

OMG did you hear about the semi carrying fruit thru San Antonio today breaking down on the interstate?

It caused a real jam!

The cross-eyed teacher at school got fired today.

He couldn't control his pupils.

Bought myself a protractor today

I just hope I'm good enough farmer to use it.

I went to the store today

I was attempting to buy canned black beans, but I accidentally got pinto

You can hardly blame me though

The resemblance

Was

​

​

​

Uncanny

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the local swimming pools today

And decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The life guard must’ve noticed.

He blew his whistle so fucking loud I almost fell in.

I passed my drug test today.

As a reward for my positive results, I get to go to a resort for a few months.

Smartphones today are a lot more powerful than the computers Apollo had when it landed on the moon

Guess you could say I have a rocket in my pocket

Earlier today, while I was leaving the supermarket, a guy came in crying and in a mess. He told me he lost his rent money in the supermarket and has no way to pay the rent now.

I felt so bad for him, so I gave him $100 from the $1500 I found

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

I took an IQ test today and I’m proud to say

That the results came back negative!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had to poop today...

It was a pressing matter

My keyboard's "W" key broke today.

I don't know if I can just move forward from this.