My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

Let's learn Spanglish! Today's word is elbow...

It's what you use to shoot los arrows!

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy come home from school and says "Guess what mom? I had sex with my teacher today!"

The mother is furious, frustrated, and mortified all at once and scream to her son:

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!! YOUR FATHER WILL DEAL WITH YOU WHEN HE COMES HOME!!!"

So after a short dinner, and a long conversation, the boy hears his dad thumping down the hallway to his room. The father opens t...

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.

Happy Father's Day!

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.

He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."

I said: “Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

I met a Jewish girl today , and she asked for my number

I told her we use names here.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I was awakened with oral sex

.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today.

It was motherfucking gold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Today a cable repair tech on my street asked me what time it was. I told him between 8 am and 1 pm.

Insert rimshot

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was such a good dog

I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I found an alien in my freezer.

When I asked him what he was doing in there, he said "I cum in peas".

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

I got gas today for $1.39

Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.

Broke my finger today.

But on the other hand, I'm fine!


(credit to @dadsaysjokes on instagram)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

I brought my MP3 player to school yesterday, but bullies broke it. Luckily, today is my birthday and my parents got me an MP4 player, but the bullies broke it again

Tomorrow, i'll bring an MP5

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I mixed up my viagra and depression medication today.

No matter how much I try, everything just keeps getting harder and harder.

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.


So I pushed her over.

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.

Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

This is my first dad joke post :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At age 70 I participated in my first demolition derby today and my tires flew off my car.

I guess it's time for me to retire.

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!"

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!" The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home.

My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a chicken salad today.

Cheeky bastard didn't even eat it.

Spent a few hours on the wife's grave today

1. It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond.





\[Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle\]

My brother and I both went to the mall today.

We were both hanging around, having a nice time together. Then suddenly out of a blue, a guy came up to us, holding a lighter in his hand. He looked awfully fishy and he gave us a strange stare.


"Hey, boys. Ya mind if I ask ya a question?"


"What is it?" My brother asked, unper...

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to go!" she screamed. "Please, can we just talk about it first?" I begged. "Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and continued, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

My wife fell off a 50 foot ladder today.

Unfortunately she was only on the first step.

The inventor of autocorrect died today

Rust in peeve.

A Muslim guy dropped his wallet today, so I ran after him and gave it back to him.

He said “Thank you so much”
“Don’t go to the Liverpool game tonight” he added.
“Why?”I asked.
“ Because it’s tomorrow”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my kid masturbating today.

It's ok though, he's still too young to know what I was doing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park".

Today I called my doctor's office asking for an appointment. She said, "how about 10 tomorrow?"

I said, "No I don't need that many."

I burned a wheelchair today.

HOT WHEELS!

Today I lost my sense of humour

It's not funny

My 4.5 year old made up his first joke today. What do you call a girl who delivers things?

Dolivia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally pooped my pants on an elevator today,

I took this shit to a whole new level

Today I finally learnt what 'Chronology' means.

It's about time.

Dad : “I need to call the doctor today.” Mom : “Which doctor?”

Dad : “No, the regular kind.”

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

I went to buy an assault rifle today

Astonished by the price, I asked the clerk:

"Do I get a student discount?"

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off..

I said : son, that’s the fourth school this year.


Maybe teaching in an elementary school isnt for you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was accused of being homophobic today

I honestly just prefer apartments

Got into a car accident today

I was driving along and ended up rear ending someone. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said, 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?’

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up to a blowjob today...

That’s the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open.

Everyone in the senior class of ninja school was marked absent today.

They all got an A+

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

However, i didn't freak out about it like the other people in the elevator.

Today I spotted an albino dalmatian.

Now everyone will be able to tell it's a dalmatian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!

A farmer needed to castrate his bull.

After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price.
The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks ...

I found out my ex girlfriend was at the opposite end of the museum as me today.

I wanted to go say hi to her but there was just too much history between us.

A felt seasick on the airplane today

And it sure didnt help that there are tons of people screaming for lifejackets and rafts.

My Korean car broke down on me today...

It left me completely Hyundrai

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you.

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory.

I went outside today.

The graphics were excellent, but the storyline was terrible.

Why I fired my secretary today.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".

I t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

Today I messed up my signature on a cheque.

It isn't a good sign.

Today I went to the bathroom without my phone.

There are 124 tiles in my bathroom.

People are so sensitive today. You can't even say black shoe.

You have to say, "Tyrone, please get off my lawn"

They made a measles joke at work today and soon everyone laughed...

It was contagious.

Today I learned what Chromecast is...

... and the rest of the family found out what Interracial Bootyhole Stretchers Vol. 3 is.

Today was a weird day

First I found a hat full of money, and then a man with gitar followed me the rest of the day

Today my son asked me "can I have a book mark?"

I'm so sad that he still doesn't know my name is brian

I won my first cage fight today

Stupid bird never knew what hit it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new stipulation which would have allowed medical marijuana to be prescribed for constipation was rejected in Congress today...

The Congressman’s closing remarks were “shit or get off the pot”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An electrician comes home to his wife after working a job at a millionaires house...

He says to his wife “honey you will not believe this, the house I worked at today had a golden toilet.”

She says “Really? I need to see this.”

They take a ride across the neighborhood and pull up in front of a huge house.

The electrician knocks on the door, a woman answers and ...

My friend asked me to stop singing wonderwall today

I said maybe

I found a cool spider in my backyard today.

I picked it up and drove it accross the city.

Now it's far from home.

I touched my inner self today.

That was the last time I bought a 1ply toilet paper.

Today a 12 yo kid came to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?"

I can't believe it. Kids nowadays are so polite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tripped over a bra today

I guess it was a booby trap

I told someone in public they drew their eyebrows on too high today

He looked at me, with a surprised look on his face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I thought of today

If a guy goes to lunch with a girl, he’s a boyfriend


If a guy goes to lunch with two girls, he’s a stud.


If a guy goes to lunch with three girls, he’s gay.

I think my yoga instructor was drunk today

He put me in a very awkward position

My comeback against my kid today

Me: *picks up a toy burger from his toy stove while he is cheerfully playing*

Him: Put it back or I'll tell the cops.

Me: Pretty sure they won't bother over some patty crime.

Today in class, we were supposed to draw the French flag.

For some reason, the paper my teacher gave me already had the flench flag on it so I just submitted it.


Why did he mark the work as unattempted? It was all white already...

7 years ago today I pleaded with my snowman not to attempt the river crossing but he wouldn't listen and is lost to me forever.

It's all water under the bridge now.

Today I slept with a girl in an apple orchard

She let me come in cider

The inventor of dog treats died earlier today.

He was a good boy. Yes he was.

In a job interview today, my prospective boss asked if I could perform under pressure...

Nah, but I can take a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.

Two years ago I asked the love of my life out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said "no" both times.

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.

It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

Bob looked at his wife Mary and said ”I can’t believe today makes 2 happy years of marriage”

Mary: Bob, we have been married for 15 years...

Bob: I SAID HAPPY

Man: Boss, can I leave early today?

Boss: Only if you make up the time.

Man: Fine. It’s 35 past 70.

Boss: You’re fired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

Today is Rafael nadals birthday.

I would have bought him somehting, but he returns everything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was very undecided about attending the LGBT+ Pride march today and I ended up with a sore butt....

...It’s what I get for sitting on the fence!

Due to turning into laundry detergent, I was unable to go to work today.

What can I say? My hands were Tide.

A truck full of wigs tipped over on a motorway today.

The cause is unclear but the police are still combing the area..

I was thinking about procrastinating today.

But I think I’ll do it tomorrow

Went to confession today.

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.

PRIEST: Wow! I gotta hear this.

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily seduced his wife, ate all his groceries and didn’t share.

PRIEST: You forgot about pride.

ME: No, I’m pretty proud of this.

What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

I went to donate blood today

I guess Salvation Army prefers clothes.

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

I heard this barber got arrested today for selling drugs. I’m gutted, I was his best customer..

I never knew he was a barber

I reluctantly told my GF today that I've been using soap as lubricant for the past month.

I had to come clean.

Today, my therapist told me that I might have Multiple Personality Disorder.

I said, “Doctor, you must be talking to the wrong guy.”

Today is the day "Bring your pet at school "

Can I bring my desert eagle?

A woman lost custody of her child today after injecting her 9-year old with Botox to win a beauty pageant

Needless to say, the child didn't look surprised.

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza.

Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

My wife said to me today,You have two parts in your brain

The left and right side. There is nothing right on the right side, and there is nothing left on the left

Thought I'd burn some calories today

So I set a fat kid on fire

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