I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

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Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today...

Not every one of you, of course.

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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park.”

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Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?

My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grief counselor died today.

Luckily for me he was so good, I didn't give a shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was

She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes.

Oh, and also fuck you.

A doctor flirted with me today. She said that I am too sweet.

Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today....

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.



Thanks for the silver.

My Drug Dealer Sold Me Some Shoes Today..

I don't know what he laced em with, but I've been trippin all day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....

So I pushed the fucker over.

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

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As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.

I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.

My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.

So instead, a subreddit.

Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.

Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

Today is the 69th day of the decade

no joke!

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We were doing sex ed in school today.

I asked my teacher why I need this. He said you'll need it later in life. I told him I'm a redditor. I was excused from the class...

I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”

“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.”

“So what is it then?” she asked.

I said, “Its a OnePlus.”

Me: Boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough

Boss: I'll give you a week off then

Me: Two wee coughs??? I can't afford to miss that much work!

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today.

Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am

Independent

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

Today i watched the news and saw that my nearest mechanic was a drug seller.

That's horrible, so many years being a client and only today i realized he could have repaired my car.

I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.

She looked surprised.

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I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today.

He said, "Fuck off. Get your own!"

I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked

I don’t know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived

If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for?

Old age.

I asked my Russian friend today, if he is afraid of the corona virus.

He said "no! I have the antidote!" I said, really? What is it? He said "its vodka!" I didn't believe and said, vodka kills the virus? He said "no, but it kills the fear!"

I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today.

How you ask?

Self control.

I was in an Uber today...

The driver said: "I love my job! I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do"



I responded with: "Turn left"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a really old race horse today, I called him My Face.

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh fuckers shouting "Come on My Face."

I ran into a beautiful woman who wanted to F*** me today...

I think her exact words were, "Sign up for this credit card..."

Today, I discovered what DNA stands for.

National Dyslexic Association.

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

I got fired from my job today.

Apparently when you work at a cremation company you aren’t suppose to answer the phones me with “Hello, this is Joes Crematorium. You kill em we grill em!”

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad to me today: you know how poop is called nature's call, right? What do you call a fart then?

Nature's missed call.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John is a mailman in a small town. Everyone in the town knows him. Today he is retiring.

Every house he went to, families were greeting him and congratulating him. Most game him gifts. Flowers, cards, presents ... until he got to the last house on his final route.

A woman came to the door stark naked. She quietly took him upstairs and made sweet passionate love to him for hours u...

I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!

Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my annual check-up today, I asked my doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?" He replied, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "Sorry, but I don't really believe in any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a homeless guy!

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

My car was put into quarantine today

It had corollavirus

I got fired from Campbell's Soup today

Found me stroganoff in the back room.

I had to put my foot down today

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

Took my shirt made from money to the laundromat today.

Got arrested for money laundering.

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David walked in from work today and saw his wife was sitting on the sofa with his girlfriend.

Composed he said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied his wife.

David said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted his girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”
Acting Startled David looked at his wi...

Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.

I mean he just blew up overnight.

Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.

Then I lost my job as a driver.

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

My friend Robbie shocked and hurt me. He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend!

It totally ruined our bath!

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.

Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.

I quit my job at the helium factory today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quit my job at Bath Tissue today.

I was just sick of everyone talking shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

I bumped into an old school friend today



I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is sh...

A prisoner is put to death row today.

A guard is tasked with operating the electric chair on a prisoner. He tries to lighten the mood by telling a joke to the prisoner, then he flips the switch.

The prisoner survives the shocks, and guard wonders what went wrong.

"Your joke had a decent premise," says the prisoner. "But th...

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to a pet shop today to buy a fish

The lady said do you want a aquarium why the fuck do I need to know it’s star sign

Tried a bidet for the first time today

It was a blast!

I confronted a mime today.

He did unspeakable things.

I went to the zoo today, but all they had was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

I got a fortune cookie without a fortune in it today.

How unfortunate...

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I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem. I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.

The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.

Had a big mix up at the store today...

Apparently, when the clerk said "strip down facing me" they were referring to my credit card

What do you think Abraham Lincoln would say if he was alive today?

“Help! Let me out of this box! I can’t breathe in here!”

Today I learned that 92% of people will believe everything you say...

...as long as you start by saying "Today I learned..."

I opened a water bottle today

I guess you could say I decapitated it.

I went pee in the pool today and the lifeguard noticed.

He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

Today this pervert offered me a taco to see me naked. So I replied...

What do I have to do to get a burrito?

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I saw five cockroaches marching across my basement floor today

I grabbed my shoe and started hitting them with the sole. I killed four, but one escaped and hid.

It was the sole survivor.

I heard my son's first words today

"Dad where have you been?"

One buzzword in today’s business world is “Marketing”

Courtesy of a friend via email; this is a quick 'primer' on Marketing....
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, OK, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing....

Today at the butchers I fell into a pile of animal guts.

It was offal!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son got sent home from school today. It's serious.

Apparently he was letting a girl in his class jerk him off. That's going to mean he has to go to another school, which makes three times this year.

I don't think teaching's for him tbqh.

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

I tested for possible cases of corona in my lab today.

Only one was positive; the other three just turned out to be budweiser with a bit of added tequila.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

Hello welcome to today’s Communist marathon...

On your Marx....

Today I learned the side effects of smoking frogs

It turns out that it makes you super jumpy

Someone called me pretentious today.

I nearly choked on my honey-cardamom latte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best friend was hospitalized today after shoving 12 small plastic horses in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

Three interesting things happened today ...

First, this guy tells me he's going to vote for Donald Trump in 2020.

Next, two minutes later, he gets hit by a bus.

Then, Trailways fired me.

I walked into a bar today

I’m still seeing double

Today I had a near death experience

This guy just dropped dead right next to me

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.

I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."

I was mugged today! They stole my mood ring.

I’m not sure how I feel about the whole situation

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'...

Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

I got kicked out of the hospital today

Apparently the sign "Stroke patients here" does not mean what I thought it meant.

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

I bought GTA V today.

I had so much fun robbing stores, stabbing civilians, doing hit and runs and blowing up schools. Then I went home and played GTA V.

Today i lost my wife, my best friend, my lover, the love of my life and the mother of my children.

5 deaths in one day was rough.

I woke up laughing today

I think I slept funny last night

Bought a really nice pen today. It can write underwater and in space....

and many other fine words .

If Michael Jackson were alive today, what would his pronouns be?

Hee/Hee

I tried to call my Republican Senators today...

I ended up with rain check because they all sold out

It was 20 years ago today...

When my friend John came out the room with tears down his face yelling "It's a boy! It's a boy!'

We never went back to Thailand.

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

Today, I saw a cop dancing while pulling over a U-Haul truck.

I think he was trying to bust a move.

Passed an auto parts store today and saw a sign that read, “Dead batteries, $1”

I thought, those should be free of charge.

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

TEACHER: Today you'll give an example of a pronoun each and form a sentence with it.

JOHN: HER

TEACHER: Ok, your sentence?

JOHN: Give her her book. It's hers.

TEACHER: That's good. Yes who's next?


DAVE: HIM

TEACHER: Your Sentence?

DAVE: Give him him book. It's hims.

Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today?

Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.

Got fired on my first day with the ambulance today

I don't know what happened but they asked me how i deliver a baby and i answered "fedex".

I saw the actress who is in Cougartown and Freeks and Geeks at a store today. I shouted at her to ask her name but she continued what she was doing and left quickly after that

I guess she was busy

I work in McDonald’s and a customer was rude to me today, so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink.

*Just ice* was served.

So We were learning about cell division in biology class today.

I ended up stubbing my toe somehow and i had to go home because it hurt so bad.
When my sister asked what hurt, i said “mitosis.”

When I checked-in earlier today at the hotel, I asked if I could have a room with a street view.

The receptionist said "Sorry, they're all pixelated."

I failed my grammar exam today.

Apparently, "before Christmas" was not a good example for present tense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

Today the student debt crisis reached $1,696,047,300,123

Honored to be a part of something so huge!

I told an AMAZING joke to some zombies today...

... But all I got were moans and groans.

I was kidnapped by some mimes 4 years ago today

The things they did to me were just unspeakable

I lost my job at the zoo today...

I got sacked from my job at the zoo the other day… It was really unfair… There were signs everywhere saying ‘Don’t Feed the Animals!’….. so I didn’t…

Someone told me I made a Freudian slip today...

but all I did was say one thing when I meant my mother.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I gave Charity $100

She thanked me with a blowjob.

I fell off a 50ft ladder at work today

Luckily I was only on the first step

Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.

Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I had the best outdoor sex ever

'Today I had the best outdoor sex ever with a girl, I fucked her in all positions. It was super exciting because it was directly next to a railway track'

My friend: 'awesome, did she also suck your cock?'

Me: 'No, I could not find her head'

I got fired at the calendar factory today

It isn't fair either, all I did was I took a few days off

Today my friend told me about a new fetish he saw online called GILFs

I had to tell him it was actually pretty old.

I was having a really rough day today because someone stole the front and back pages from my dictionary.

It just goes from bad to worse.

Today our fax-machine died and no one cared

Zero fax given

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did a shitpost today

Put my bowel cancer test sample in the envelope provided..

My best friend kicked all three of my cats today

I'll get over it, but he really hurt my felines.

My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

I was in a job interview today

When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."

I got a free puppet today

No strings attached

Today I saved 3 toddlers that where crossing the street

Instead of them I drove over that annoying boy, Timmy

I told someone a chemistry joke earlier today.

I can't remember what it was, but I got the reaction I was looking for.

I went looking for camouflage pants today

I didn’t see any.

I had to sack my east European house cleaner today. It took her four hours just to vacuum the lounge.

Turns out she's a Slovak

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