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My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"

"Erm, I don't know" I replied

"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing

"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"

"Donald Duck" I replied

"No, all ducks you idiot"

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On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...
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The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"

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Johnny got kicked out of class today

The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..."

"I'll tell you in nine months!"

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

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Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

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My wife just gave birth today

After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside, and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Credits to r/dadjokes

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I saw a butt plug on the street today..

Some asshole must've dropped it.

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today

"It tastes like dirt!"

I told him it was just ground this morning.

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

I was so excited to show my teacher my Reddit joke, but sadly she wasn't in today, so...

...the subreddit.

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I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy bastard!"

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!

And it only took me 14 years

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

So I went on r/news today..

[removed]

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

I volunteered to help blind children today!

That’s a verb not an adjective btw.

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

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Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes.

Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today

and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.” (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

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My parrot died today…

His last words were

“Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die”

I was fired from the keyboard factory today.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

My uncle was injured in an explosion at the cheese factory today.

He was hit by a chunk of da Brie

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I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

Joe Biden had a meeting with the Cabinet today

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


EDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, ...

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I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

My gun saved my life today.

It misfired.

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I'll let you know.

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 

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BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

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I was offered sex with a 21 yr old today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram. (Stroller for Americans.)

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

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I bumped into an old school friend today

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said...

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"

Me: "I dunno, what?"

Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

Imagine the uproar if Blazing Saddles was made today.

People would say "this is plagiarism, make your own movie".

My obese parrot died today...

Sad, but its a huge weight off my shoulders

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

Today a friend said to me: "Marco, aren't you sad to see your friends getting married and you being single at 43?"

I replied:

"Yes, I am, but I don't know how to help them."

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I gave my wife an orgasm today!

She spit it out

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view...

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I went into a sex shop today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost...

She’s sitting on a small fortune...

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady say...

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

My wife came home and said “I’ve been selling my body for money today and I’ve made £300 and 50p”, I said who the hell gave you 50p.

She said “all of them”.

I called the Suicide hotline today

They left me hanging

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I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

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My 4yr old was struggling to open his yoghurt, today.

When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!". My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?". I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.

I met a few of his cousins too;

The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.

The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.

The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.

The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.

The one who is so sure of himsel...

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

My wife asked for a divorce today. Said a was too un-American.

Saw it coming from a kilometer away.

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,

but on the other, it’s just not right.

Today a woman knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave her a glass of water. I love supporting the comminity.

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.


So I pushed her over.

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

With all the negativity in the world today...

...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

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I decided to sell some of my guns today

Times are rough, inflation is a bitch, and I need the cash so I decided to sell some of my guns.

I met the buyer at a public location, and being a responsible gun owner I decided to run a background check.

Within 5 minutes I discovered the buyer has a history of extortion, kidnapping, ...

I went to the zoo today and there were 2 baguettes in a cage

The sign said they were bread in captivity.

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.

Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...

May divorce be with you.

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible"

"Well I'm your man" I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

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Today I heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

Broke up with my girlfriend today

It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.

A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal"

The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"

I got fired from the bomb squad today :(

It's too bad really.....

I had a blast working there!

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Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75

I got my brother really good earlier today.

We were packing up for an early morning fishing trip and I told him to turn the light on in the garage.

He looked at it and he said "It's already on."

I looked at him and said "It's not on enough."

He said "What? It's on!"

I said "More on".

He said, "It's an on/of...

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

I was at the bus stop today

And a young blonde in a short skirt boarded the bus. She didn't have enough money for the fare, so she hitched up her skirt. The driver took one look and waved her on the bus.
The next day I thought I'd try the same. My bus came along. I got on and showed the driver a bit of leg.
He immediatel...

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I saw Denzel Washington on the street today.

I said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?"
And he's all like "I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit."
Classic Denzel.

I learned a few things today

1. I'm going to be a dad.

2. I'm going to be an uncle.

3. My sister is not on the pill.

The bad news is, I dropped my cactus today

The worse news is that I caught it

The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today

Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol.

Police think it might be race related.

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Little Johnny is in grade two class when the teacher says, "Okay boys and girls, today we are going to learn a new word."

She writes the word on the chalkboard and asks, "Who knows how to say our new word?"
Little Johnny, who is sitting in the back, puts his hand up and yells, "Oh, I know, I know, pick me, pick me!"
The teacher knows Little Johnny is a troublemaker, and he will probably say something silly, s...

The holy month of Ramadan starts today. For all my Muslim friends who are observing Ramadan…

..Lunch is on me.

85% of all Fords made are still on the road today...

The other 15% made it home.

I visited my doctor today, he told me that I’m going deaf.

That was difficult to hear.

Today I spotted an albino Dalmatian.

It's the least I could do..

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

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Had sex for an hour and 30 seconds today

Thankyou daylight savings

One day death came to a Guy and said, Hey, today is your last day.

Guy: But I'm not ready!

Death said, "Well today your name is the first on my list."

Guy: Okay then why don't you take a seat and we will drink a COFFEE before we go?

Death: All right.

The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it. Death finished COFFEE and fell...

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My wife offered me a blowjob today.

‘Really’ I said

‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’

That’ll teach her to be funny

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I told him that's the last thing I need.

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I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife’s still really angry about it but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was a great idea

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

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Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.

God, I love my new Taser...

I was auditioning for a play today, and the director yelled at me. He said my acting reminded him of a female reproductive organ! Needless to say I stormed off…

But after I thought about it, I went back. I had to apologize for ovary acting.

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

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