UPJOKE
nowadaysnowdaypresentweektimeyesteryesterdaytonighttomorrowthursdayfridaythistuesdaymorning

Today Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny got kicked out of class today

The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parrot died today…

His last words were

“Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today

After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside, and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Credits to r/dadjokes

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"

"Erm, I don't know" I replied

"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing

"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"

"Donald Duck" I replied

"No, all ducks you idiot"

My gun saved my life today.

It misfired.

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

I volunteered to help blind children today!

That’s a verb not an adjective btw.

So I went on r/news today..

[removed]

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"

Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!

And it only took me 14 years

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

I was fired from the keyboard factory today.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

My obese parrot died today...

Sad, but its a huge weight off my shoulders

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


EDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered Sex Today

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented l...

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 

I called the Suicide hotline today

They left me hanging

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a butt plug on the street today..

Some asshole must've dropped it.

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bumped into an old school friend today

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view...

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave my wife an orgasm today!

She spit it out

Joe Biden had a meeting with the Cabinet today

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

Broke up with my girlfriend today

It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.

My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today

"It tastes like dirt!"

I told him it was just ground this morning.

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today

and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.” (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I'll let you know.

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram. (Stroller for Americans.)

Imagine the uproar if Blazing Saddles was made today.

People would say "this is plagiarism, make your own movie".

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"

Me: "I dunno, what?"

Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

With all the negativity in the world today...

...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today

Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

I learned a few things today

1. I'm going to be a dad.

2. I'm going to be an uncle.

3. My sister is not on the pill.

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes.

Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

I was at the bus stop today

And a young blonde in a short skirt boarded the bus. She didn't have enough money for the fare, so she hitched up her skirt. The driver took one look and waved her on the bus.
The next day I thought I'd try the same. My bus came along. I got on and showed the driver a bit of leg.
He immediatel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 4yr old was struggling to open his yoghurt, today.

When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!". My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?". I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

My uncle was injured in an explosion at the cheese factory today.

He was hit by a chunk of da Brie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw Denzel Washington on the street today.

I said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?"
And he's all like "I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit."
Classic Denzel.

Today I spotted an albino Dalmatian.

It's the least I could do..

Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...

May divorce be with you.

Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.

I met a few of his cousins too;

The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.

The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.

The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.

The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.

The one who is so sure of himsel...

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.


So I pushed her over.

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol.

Police think it might be race related.

I got fired from the bomb squad today :(

It's too bad really.....

I had a blast working there!

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife offered me a blowjob today.

‘Really’ I said

‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’

That’ll teach her to be funny

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

I broke my finger today...

But on the other hand I am completely fine.

Bumped into my ex today...

Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.

Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Norm MacDonald died today

When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.

He read it out loud: “E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are DICKS!”

RIP Norm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to sell some of my guns today

Times are rough, inflation is a bitch, and I need the cash so I decided to sell some of my guns.

I met the buyer at a public location, and being a responsible gun owner I decided to run a background check.

Within 5 minutes I discovered the buyer has a history of extortion, kidnapping, ...

I got my brother really good earlier today.

We were packing up for an early morning fishing trip and I told him to turn the light on in the garage.

He looked at it and he said "It's already on."

I looked at him and said "It's not on enough."

He said "What? It's on!"

I said "More on".

He said, "It's an on/of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

I met an Anti-Vaxxer today...

Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had sex for an hour and 30 seconds today

Thankyou daylight savings

3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

The bad news is, I dropped my cactus today

The worse news is that I caught it

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'...

Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Bought a dog from a blacksmith today...

Within 10 minutes of getting home, he made a bolt for the door.

Today is NOT my cake day

But when it comes I will NOT attempt to farm karma with it.


April fools.

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I told him that's the last thing I need.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife’s still really angry about it but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was a great idea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

85% of all Fords made are still on the road today...

The other 15% made it home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.

God, I love my new Taser...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was awakened with a blowjob today

I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed.

I was so excited to show my teacher my Reddit joke, but sadly she wasn't in today, so...

...the subreddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Failed my biology test today...

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost two things today. My virginity...

...and my job at the morgue.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

Ran into a Mexican woman on the bus today.

After talking for a bit she told me that she had twin sons, Juan and Emal, and she was so proud of them! Juan was the CEO of a big law firm down town, and his brother Emal owned a restaurant where she was heading for lunch.

She happily reached into her purse to show me a picture and said, “T...

Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady say...

My wife asked for a divorce today. Said a was too un-American.

Saw it coming from a kilometer away.

During my interview today…

I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.

I simply replied “No, I just always give 110%”

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good

I had to go to the doctor's today...

...and he asked me what he said were routine questions...

He asked, "Do you drink?"

I said I do.

He said, "Do you smoke?"

I said a little bit, mainly when I drink.

He leaned in and said, "And do you do drugs?"

I shamefully admitted that, well, yeah, I do....

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.

I went to the zoo today and there were 2 baguettes in a cage

The sign said they were bread in captivity.

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

40 years ago today I married my wife

My whole side of the wedding flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however i did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "you may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the rece...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I was awakened with oral sex

.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.

I asked my girlfriend to 68 today

She said “What’s that?”

I said “That’s when you blow me and I owe you one.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while bein...

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

I visited my doctor today, he told me that I’m going deaf.

That was difficult to hear.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

Girl: What are your plans for today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.

Girl: And after that?

Boy: And after that we'll see.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?", she replied.

"No, the regular kind."

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

Today's a really good day...

10/10

I found out I was colourblind today

It was totally out of the purple

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: Our son called me a bitch today

Husband: What! That little son of a bitch

Today I got a girlfriend

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

Not NSFW: The inventor of Velcro died today.

RIP

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.