I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

Girl: What are your plans for today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.

Girl: And after that?

Boy: And after that we'll see.

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

I volunteered to help blind children today!

That’s a verb not an adjective btw.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,

but on the other, it's just not right.

I gave a phone and 100 dollars to a homeless guy today.

You will never know the happiness I've felt when he put his gun away.

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it

Guess I really am independent

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!

######[100 years ago...]
**witch:** fuck this house

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Today I was turned away from an LGBTQ organized event. To think I thought they were inclusive.

This is the last time I take my pack of lions to a pride parade.

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

A cheese factory exploded in France today.

Da Brie is everywhere.

I researched about LGBT on internet today

Just couldn't get a straight answer.

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

I washed the car with my 5 year old son today.

When we finished, he said, “Next time dad, can you use a sponge?”

Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/jokes, but today she is absent.

So today, a subreddit

So I stopped a woman from getting kidnapped today

It took a lot of self control though

Today i got asked out by 4 girls!!!!!

i was in the women's bathroom

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!

Struck up a conversation with a spider today at home while dusting.

Nice guy. He's a web designer

I lent a girl an unbrella today

Which takes the total number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.

My wife was so sick today

that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make me some breakfast.

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa.

Because tomorrow he turns 81! Happy early bday grandpa!

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross....

..."Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda'...

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I got the worst blue balls ever today.

Man, I hate back splash from porta-potties

I got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today

Luckily I’m not hurt, it was a soft drink

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today is my cake day which means

Exactly one year ago, I discovered reddit porn.

80% of my couch fell on my foot today.

...ouch.

Today I found out Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol

Her name was Onya

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Fucking fireman.

A pretty girl kissed me today

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

We had a mandatory meeting at work today

Tory and Amanda weren't even there!!!!

As we observe the anniversary of 9/11 today, remember...

All buildings matter.

Today I learned about the Astley paradox!

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up.

However, in doing so, he lets you down.

Thus creating the Astley Paradox.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc.

Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker.
He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh.

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

When trying to take a group photo, a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him.

Witnesses said people did try to warn him.

I saw an electrician accidentally electrocuting himself today; you might say he was...

killed.

I got taken off a plane in handcuffs today.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

today i screwed in a light bulb, crossed the road, walked into a bar,...

and realized that my entire life is a joke.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

After Trump dies, at his eulogy the priest says: he is today how he was as president..

Wearing make-up and lying in front of us

I tried to to catch some fog earlier today

I mist.

Farted on the bus today & four people turned around...

Felt like I was on the voice

Woke up in California today

Now I know why they call it, *Orange County*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a racehorse today

I called him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."

Today my wife drew her eye brows to high.

She looked surprised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

Had an alcohol free beer today

It's like eating out your sister, tastes the same, but you know it's not right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I had it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I had it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

I went to an apple orchard today. I had a lot of fun but I kind of embarrassed myself in front of the attractive tour guide.

Yeah, I slipped in cider.

After being inside for months, I decided to go out today.

The graphics were awesome, but the storyline is terrible.

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today is International Orgasm Day...

Those who suffer from premature ejaculation celebrated yesterday.

Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my throat and demanded that I pay up

To hell with the barbers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: So what brings you two in today?

Therapist: I think I have dissociative identity disorder.

Therapist: Don't listen to him, he doesn't know what he's talking about.

I named my toilet "Jim" today

That way it sounds a lot better when I go to the Jim each morning

The CEO of Pepsi was fired today.

They found traces of Coke in his system.

I got a card today and on the envelope in big red letters said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND."

"How am I going to pick it up?" I thought to myself .

I told my girlfriend last week to get her air conditioning fixed and to stop walking around the house naked for all the neighbors to see. I came over today and nothing has changed

Except now she’s got only fans

Got stung by a bee today

£15 for a jar of honey

I saw two Mexicans playing Basketball today...

It looked like a Juan on Juan.

Today has been awful, my ex got hit by a bus and died...

As if that wasn't bad enough, they revoked my bus drivers permit too!

I lost 25% of my roof today

Oof

Someone stole my jar of mayonnaise at lunch today

I was like, “What the Hellman?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today…

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a man with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon and vanilla scents!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her biggest dream was

She replied "fuck you"

So I'm pretty excited today

My friend David had his ID stolen today.

Now we just call him Dav.

I'm really missing Grandpa today.

He had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the city zoo.

"I left my job today.

I just couldn't work for that man after what he said to me"

"What did he say?"

"You're fired"

Today I was playing chess and blundered a major piece

Rookie mistake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

I met a very famous asian gamer today.

His name was Lo Ping.

Today I came to realize...

Post nut clarity makes me so much more productive!

I ran into an old buddy today...

I hardly recognized him, he looked mostly the same, except he had a giant round orange head. I said, “what have you been up to? You look a little different...you have a giant round orange head.” He said, “well, it’s the craziest thing. I met a leprechaun, and he gave me three wishes.” I said, “that’...

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

My pet frog broke one of his legs today

He was very unhoppy

I found out today that I have an identical twin brother. I got very emotional when we finally met.

I was beside myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took my dog on a walk today

He pooped about 5 minutes into the walk, so I picked it up like a good citizen.

He pooped again about 10 minutes later. Unfortunately I had only brought one bag, so I had to reopen it to pick this one up. It was quite messy.

A few minutes later, he pooped for a third time.

"Are ...

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Standing in the park today I wondered, "why does a frisbee get larger the closer it gets?"

And then it hit me.

Today I tore up my nun outfit after being obsessed with wearing it for a year.

I'm so glad I finally broke that habit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, I failed at going to the restroom.

That shit didn't work out.

Thanks to a comedian friend's advise, today I finally mustered up the courage to have a conversation with my crush.

So happy, I think it went exactly as he had advised: ended on a hi.

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Todays News: Russia takes a step towards inclusivity by establishing new task force comprised of Gay/Bi/Pan/Trans/etc enlistees...

Introducing: The KGBT

Today I passed my exams to be a funeral director

Shame it's a dying trade

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the dog park today and as I was bending over to pick up a huge pile of shit, I thought to myself

I should get a dog.

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..

..then I realized he was aborted.

I was on my way to the opticians today and guess who I bumped into.....

Everybody.

Today I learned that diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans

They had a Ginger Lives Matter protest today

There was not a soul.

I said to my English speaking girlfriend, “Today I meet a guy who posts on Reddit.”

“That’s ‘met a’,” she replied.

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today

Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon

I got asked out by a girl today

She told me to leave the womens bathroom





Credit to u/Dr00000100

At my physics exam today, I was asked who discovered the black hole.

Apparently, Ron Jeremy was not the right answer.

Met my ex, who is a clairvoyant, today.

Asked her if she was seeing anyone. I am afraid, she said yes.

My son (9yrs) lost his tablet today and we were looking for it...

Me: How do you lose a whole tablet, Yuba!?

Yuba mumbling to himself: There's no such thing as half a tablet.

I got fired from work today for taking the initiative.

It was a slow day so I thought why not let my team get some practice in to keep up their skills.

Didn't know it was against policy to set our fire station ablaze!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was fired today from my job in the post office, I have no idea why.

Oh shit, I meant to post this somewhere else

So today my six year old daughter ask me where she came from.

Now, I’ve always said, when she asks, it means she’s ready to hear the truth, and I will explain the truth as best I can and it’s appropriate for her age.

So, I explain to my six-year-old daughter, the facts of life. To which she replies, “wow my friend Debbie said she came from Oklahoma.”

I spotted an albino dalmatian today.

He wasn't a fan of the marker.

My girlfriend and I broke up today because she said she didn’t like Indian food.

I told her it was Naan negotiable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife offered me a blowjob today.

‘Really’ I said

‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’

That’ll teach her to be funny

I was feeling really sad while crushing cans today...

It was soda pressing.

My son turned 9 today

now its a 6

A cute stranger said I was "fine" today

It started when I accidentally bumped into her and when I apologized, she said "you're fine."

My morning was really bitter sweet today.

This is the last time I’m drinking spoiled milk with sugar

Today marks 69 days until the US Presidential Election...

...nice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My exotic bird is a jerk. He shit on my bagel today, so I shit on his cage

Toucan play that game

I just learned today is International Joke Day.

But do we really need a whole day dedicated to Trump?

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, I ate a bunch of Taco Bell.









Lots of shit went down.

I went to the world of coke today...

I can say it's a lot better than the world of Coca-Cola.

I tried to donate blood today... NEVER AGAIN!

So many questions,

Who's blood is that?
How did you get it?
Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Well, it finally happened today, I knew it would eventually so I was ready.

I came out of Walmart with my mask on and keeping six feet away from everyone, I pushed my cart to my car, all the while wearing my face mask. A woman was getting out of her car next to me with no mask. As I'm putting groceries into my car she says, "Let me guess - you're a liberal - ‘cause that ma...

I invented a new word today

Plagiarism

Got a phone call waking me up in the middle of my remote learning class today.

My students are such nerds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the chi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to have a drug/alcohol evaluation today...

The therapist said my alcohol was pretty good but my drugs were terrible.

I was sad yesterday, and today seems like it's only going to get worse

It's Sadderday.

I had to put my dog down today :(

My arms were really tired and he's really heavy. I'm feeling better now so I might pick him up again.

I took out my ex today!

Being a sniper is amazing.

A crow was arrested today under suspicion of being involved in a murder

The judge threw the case out. He said he had just caws.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Dad, I lost my virginity today!"

Dad: "Congrats son! Come, sit down and have a beer!"

Son: "I would sure love a beer, but I dont think I can sit down just yet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

A truck full of hair restorer tonic overturned and spilled on the freeway today

Police are combing the area

"In downtown Burbank today, it was so hot..."

*How hot was it?*

"I saw a fire hydrant flagging down a dog..."

RIP Johnny Carson

From today onwards, I have decided to stop denigrating anti maskers.

And if you are an anti masker, “denigrate” means to put down.

A falling battery killed a man today.

**It was charged with murder.**

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today...

Well I’m guessing she was poor. She only had $1.00 in her purse.

My son came out of the closet today

I swear his body keeps falling out I knew I should have brought a better lock

Why is today the longest day?

Because it's 24/7

I got kicked out of a furniture store today

I asked one of the cute staff for one night stand.

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later

Got asked to help unlock a PDF file today...

I said no way, we should be concentrating on locking them up!

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isn’t a fan of protection

Today I Google cigarette lighters

I was shocked when I got over 15 million matches.

I took an IQ test today

I dont know who it belonged to.

I saw 3 guys beating someone up today. I knew I had to step in and help.

The little sh!t didn’t stand a chance against the 4 of us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I bought my son a trampoline.

Instead of thanking me, he just starts bitching around in his wheelchair.

I witnessed a kidnapping today.

I let him sleep.

A book fell on me today

I have my-shelf to blame

Today a man knocked on my door

and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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