Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parrot died today…

His last words were

“Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.


Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

Today, while constipated, I decided to solve a difficult math problem.

I was able to work it out with my pencil.

Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

The inventor of Velcro died today.

RIP

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

Bad news. I got fired from my job at the bank today.

I mean, it was an easy mistake... An elderly woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

To all the women who gave birth today…

Happy Labor Day!

My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he's going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.

I told him my door is always open.

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

Just got fired from the keyboard factory today...

They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today.

She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.



I'll escort myself out.

I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,

“I want you to sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said, “£200 and it’s yours.”

Wrote a letter today.

Might move on to numbers tomorrow.

Mom: What did you do at school today?

Me: We did a guessing game

Mom: But I thought you had a math exam.

Me: That's right!

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

Today my girlfriend said she will spend the entire day wearing only a short skirt and a long jacket.

After all, it is my Cake day!

A homeless guy asked me for some money today

I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going to drugs?", I thought to myself. "Nah." So I gave him the $20.

I went to the zoo today

But the only animal they had was a single dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a donation for the neighborhood pool...

I gave a glass of water.

I called Animal control Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see my doctor today with a lettuce stuck in my butt.

He just applied a dressing and sent me home.

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

I joined a fisting club today...

I really want to widen the circle of my friends.

I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today...

His mom got really angry with me...

If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said,

"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years.

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

I took my wife to Subway today.

I asked the girl, can you make me a sandwich please.

She said no problem sir.

I turned to the wife and said, see how hard was that...

A joke my dad told me today

Two old fishermen are fishing under a bridge. A funeral procession passes over the bridge. One of the old fishermen stands up, takes his hat off and bows his head.

The second old fisherman says “Wow, that was really respectful of you to do.”

The first old fisherman says “Thanks, it’s t...

Today i saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall...

I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending"....

Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...

May divorce be with you.

Today I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water.

I got halfway to work before I realised I forgot my car.

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

Did you hear that the CDC issues new guidelines today?

They said if your head is far enough up your ass, there's no need to wear a mask.

Bigfoot saw me today

I bet nobody believes him.

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...

John was returning from work when he remembered that today was his daughter's birthday...

There was still time so he decided to quickly drive and buy a gift for her.
He went to the local supermarket and headed straight to the toys section in search of a toy his daughter would cherish.

He found employee there and asked his advise on which Barbie doll would make the best gift. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I took a dick pic

Thought of sharing that pic on Reddit, unfortunately Reddit doesn't support small resolution images.

Ten years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife was pretty upset about it, but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny

I was late to my urology appointment today

When I walked in, the receptionist said “urine trouble”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took viagra when I got to the office today.

I’m working hard now.

Five years ago today I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to get married.

She said no both times.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

Today I saw the hottest girl alive!

She had a running fever of 42 C (\~108 F) and still breathing. Tough chick to fry.

Joe Biden had a meeting with the cabinet today

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

So few people today disassemble their watches, take away the hand showing seconds and sell it to other people

the second-hand second hand market is minute.

So, I delivered a baby today...

Easily my weirdest day at FedEx.

I'm joking, of course.

I work for UPS.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Woman and the Farmer

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrat...

Our computers all went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually!

It took me like half an hour to shuffle the cards for Solitaire!

Two things went wrong today

1. My Wife got ran over by a bus 2. I lost my job at the bus company

Today I stopped at the road-side stall that said "Lobster Tails: $2"

So I paid my $2 and the guy goes "Once upon a time there was a lobster...."

I got thrown out of my local car dealer today

I told them to get Miata there.

Went to the Olympic games today

I met a man carrying a long pole.


I asked him
"are you pole vaulter?"

He replied
"no, I'm German, and how did you know my name was Walter?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Called the boss today and told him i can't come in because I'm sick.

Boss: How sick are you?



Me: Well I'm fucking my sister!

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

I was in court today and there was a lady with her husband

The lady was getting trialed for theft, so the judge asked her what she had stolen.

The lady responds "I stole a can of peaches your honour", and after a few moments after thinking about this, the judge asked her how many peaches had been in that can.

Hesitantly, the lady tells him t...

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

Just in case nobody told you today…

I’m beautiful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."

She...

A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said “Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.”

So they passed the offering plate around and the pastor sees a $100 bill in the plate.

He said “Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select 3 hymns.”

An 80 year old lady slowly got up, walked to the front, and pointed her finger into the pe...

I don't have tags for my dog, but I bought her a phone in case she got lost. She ran away today.

I really should collar.


Also, Lost: Seeing Eye Dog

Last Seen: Never

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

My daughters pet lamb died today.

The grieving process was delicious.

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

Bought a new camera today…

and wanted to test it out. I was looking for a good subject and found a salon where a guy was cutting a woman’s hair. I went in and asked him if I could take some pictures. He said she wanted a rainbow look, and it would be great to get some before and after pics to capture the coloring process.
...

98% of all Jeeps ever made are still on the road today.

The other 2% made it home.

Made this one up at work today.

There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.

His name was Popsicles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was

She said ''Fuck you''



so i'm pretty excited for 2022

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between the panties of today and the panties of the 1970s?

In the 70s, you had to pull down a girl's panties to see her ass. These days, you have to spread her ass to see her panties.

I opened the fridge today and the milk was singing a Michael Jackson song

I think it’s Bad

Demi Lovato announced they are non-binary today

Congratulations Themi Lovato!

Today I came out of the closet to my girlfriend

She just screamed "WHO ARE YOU" and called the police

I was in a taxi today. The driver said "I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do."

I said "turn left here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

Had my first prostate exam today

Doctor was very nice. In the middle of the exam he asked if I was ok.

I said "I'm fine, Doc. But how the hell are your hands on my shoulders right now?"

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

Today l gave $500 and an iPhone to a homeless guy...

You don't know how great I felt when he put the gun away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

What would Elvis be doing if he was alive today?

Probably banging on the lid of his coffin

You couldn't make Blazing Saddles today

Because if you did, people would say, "Hey, Mel Brooks already made this movie in 1974."

Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.

I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today..

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

Start using "/s" today!

How else are you going to remind others about their inability to detect sarcasm? /s

I watched my friend die today...

Before she died she gave me her epi-pen, I think it’s something she wanted me to remember her by

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

Today Is My Cake Day

And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be

My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital….

I told him to stop letting me know. He’s been a doctor for 12 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went into the cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest looking thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie. After taking the first bite, I called the owner over. "This is cold!", I complained..

"Well of course it is." She replied, "I live fucking miles away."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One unfortunate night, a pregnant woman gets shot 3 times in the stomach,

She goes to the doctor and luckily everything was fine. She gave birth to triplets, all healthy. 2 girls and one boy.

......fast forward 15 years later......

One girl rushed to her mother and complained "mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out" The mother sat her down and explain...

earlier today I dropped an ice cube

It slipped under the refrigerator and I couldn't reach it. I was really upset about it at first but now I'm over it. water under the fridge.

This is true: I picked up a pack of ear plugs at work today and it had three in the pack

The maintenance guy said “that’s the Spock pack”

Me: “Spock pack?”

Maint: “aye; one for the left ear, one for the right ear - and one for the final front ear”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two brothers are in their room one morning. The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

illy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it che...

Today is the final countdown...

4-3-21

Killed some ants in my house today

In my defense, they were breaking and antering.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into...

You know who I saw today!

Everyone I looked at.

I decided to shoot up a bunch of kids today

I always feel so good giving out free coronavirus vaccines…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

Lost my job as a hedge fund manager today, not sure if due to dress code or work performance!

All the boss would tell me is something about my shorts and that that they didn't cover.

I had my second vaccine jab today. But they put it my leg.

Now my Phizer hurting me.

I bought a wig for a dollar today

It was a small price toupee.

I'm 34 years old and today I've been sober for 11 years!

Not in a row though.

In total.

Biden was in 3 states today.....

Confusion, unconsciousness, and disorientation

I went through the Lincoln tunnel today and I gotta say, I’m not ok with the name of where you pay your toll…

…The “John Wilkes booth”?!?!

My boss arrived at work today in a brand new Ferrari..

I said ‘wow, that’s an amazing car!’

He said ‘If you work hard, put all your hours in and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.’

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

Today I took my infant son to his favorite fast food place...

"Welcome to Gerber King! May I take your order?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Technology is getting more and more invasive in our lives. Today my smart watch sent me a notification tell me to stand, while I was on the toilet.

And I just thought: “I don’t need to stand for this shit!”

I was at the courthouse today and witnessed a 4 foot tall felon go down a flight of stairs....

It was a little condescending.

I saw an expensive looking body pillow for sale today

I know some people who would pay a 4-Chan for it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the crap out of me!"

The passeng...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out today that I'm allergic to Viagra.

It makes me swell up.

Man approaches significant other and asks, "Hey babe, what are we mad about today?"

Significant other replies, "Can you not call me babe please?" Man asks, "What should I call you?" Significant other replies, "I don't know, my name?" Man asks, "Why don't you know your name?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

My wife asked me for a divorce today, citing that I was too "un-American".

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

In today’s European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn’t seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis got stuck in the zipper today

I doubt I'll be asked to zip up a dress again

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

A father, finally exasperated looking at his son's failed test scores, shouted: " Son, if you fail your exams one more time today, don't you EVER call me your father again!!"

"Yes, father.", the son replied meekly.

After the exams, the son came home.

"How were the exams, son? Do you think you managed to pass this time?"

"NO PROBLEMO, DUDE!"

I came into some money today.

A tissue would have been cheaper.

[BREAKING NEWS] There’s been a kidnapping at Lakewood Elementary School today

It’s ok, he woke up.

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.

I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That's 5 years in a row now.

I did surgery on a detective today...

...it was an open and shut case.

Today on the highway driving home.

Me: Ah! Come on man stay in your lane.

My wife: I'll bet he is communist.

Me: what? Why?

My wife: because now it's 'our' lane.

Nobody cares that today is my cake day...

I feel desserted...

Today I was learning about electrical safety.

I was shocked.

It has been a bit of a strange day today...

First of all I found a hat full of money in the high street, then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

I got asked out by 15 different women today

Oops, wrong restroom...

Someone called me lazy today

I almost replied...

Came up with this today :)

Why did 2 stop at McDonald's?



Because they had a 3 4 5 special.

I met Bruce Lee's vegan brother today.

His name is Brocko Lee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit was down today

**Reddit was down for 2 hours today and I almost went outside and had sex, crisis averted tho.**

A cheese factory exploded in France today

De Brie was everywhere

I'm filling in for my friend today ...

His patients won't be happy when they learn that I never went to dental school.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

Had a job interview with ISIS today...

They asked me where I see myself exploding in five years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They served pizza at work today, and I finally understand the saying "pizza is like sex".

Because I didn't get any.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I asked my daughter for a phone book...

She said "you're such a boomer" and handed me her phone.

So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now..

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