I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

I promised my wife, I’d love her 24/7

Today is the day!

My teacher told me to turn in my essay today

I told her I ain't no snitch

I was driving down the highway today and saw a woman in the lane next to me reading a novel while driving

I was so angry that I stopped texting and flipped her off

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

Today my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?"

I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.

Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

Well today is my first cake day.

And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.

I got gas today for $1.39.

Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

Today, I gave up my seat for an old lady on the bus.

That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

My wife called my a paedophile today.

Big words for a 9 year old.

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today was my first day as a pilot

I looked down nervously.

"What are all these buttons for?" I asked.

My co-pilot sighed.

"Those are to keep your shirt closed"

I mixed laxitives in with the Holy water today.

It started a religious movement.

I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today

My self control is really improving

Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

Five years ago I asked the girl of my dreams to go on a date with me. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

I got called a peadophile today

Im 39 and my girlfriends 19, we are not bothered about the age gap but it’s horrible when your in a restaurant and someone called you a ‘peado’ and a child groomer when your trying to enjoy your meal.


Completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today's National Coming Out Day, so I sat down with my parents

After a lot of difficult, I finally worked up the courage to tell them they're gay.

Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

Let's learn Spanglish! Today's word is elbow...

It's what you use to shoot los arrows!

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

I was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

Then I said, “Turn left here.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor today.

He asked me for my stool sample, so I pulled a small chair out of my bag. He yelled at me for wasting his time, and stormed out of the room.

I go home.

Still don’t know why I’m shitting furniture.

My nightmare continues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my penis got stuck in a DVD today..

Today I got horny and stuck my penis in the center of a DVD hole. I got hard and then my penis got stuck. I had to break the DVD to get my penis out but when i turned it over i saw it was a copy of the movie UP

Well guys, looks like I fucked UP

I watched my friend die today

Before he died he gave me his epi-pen. I think its a great honor that he wanted me to have it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pooped in the elevator today.

I'm taking that shit to the next level.

My blind girlfriend broke up with me today.

She told me she couldn’t see us being together.

Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree wasn’t the worst thing that’s happened to me today

But it’s definitely up there

I accidentally took my cats medication today.

Don't ask me'ow I did it

Today I've been sober for 90 days.

Not, like, in a row or anything.

Today, I woke up and saw my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying “this is not working bye”

Don't know what she's on about, I opened it and it worked fine.

I sat at the cafe today.

No cellphone.

No tablet.

No laptop.

I just sat there.

Drinking coffee.

Like a Psychopath.

Hey girl are you today’s date

Cause you lookin like a 1/10

My 11 year old Niece told me this joke today.

A dad is driving his three kids to school. The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."

The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?" The dad answere...

I told this joke today when asked to stand up and introduce yourself to the group, and say something interesting about yourself ...

So this guy dies and goes to hell. He finds himself in a nice room with a group of other people. Satan stands up and says, "Welcome to Hell!" The guy thinks to himself, "well, this doesn't seem so awful." Then Satan says, "I'd like each of you to introduce yourself, and tell us something interes...

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.


So I pushed her over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

Today I angered two people by calling them "hipsters"

Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I held the door open for a japanese dude today

He said “sank you”

So I punched him in the fucking face, its not cool to bring up pearl harbor like that.

They took the Duracell bunny into custody today

He was charged with battery.

The owner of the local cinema died today

His funeral is on:

Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00

Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30

I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..

I ended up dying inside.

I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today. "Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again. I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"

"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

Had my first ever seizure today.

I was pretty shaken up, but I’m alright now.

To whoever stole my anti-depressants when I left to go to the bathroom today

I hope you’re happy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop stopped my car earlier today

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the--

Car driving by: *HONK*

Me: Because if the--

Second car driving by: *HONK*

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the--

Third car driving by: *HOOONK*

Me: Because of the "Honk if you think cop...

The Police suddenly showed up at my house today and arrested my dog.

Reason? Unpaid barking tickets.

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

Today, I went to a pharmacy and asked for a box of condoms.

The girl serving me asked me if I wanted a bag with it but I said, "No, thanks. She's actually quite pretty."

I logged in today to see if my reply got deleted.

It's still hanging on by a thread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

I sent a dwarf to the hospital today.

He said my girlfriends hair smelled nice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

There's a shiner circus today in town today,

Seems more like a fez-tival to me.

I met Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother today

His name is Brocko Lee

So I beat cancer today...

That’ll teach them to believe in horoscopes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I got my dick wet for the first time today

Just discovered these shower things...pretty cool

I got a new female dog today

Her name is Karma

My girlfriend left me today because I quit taking her to seafood restaurants.

Turns out she was only with me because of my mussels.

I’m a little sad that my old HP printer died on me today.

It was like a Brother to me.

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

I got a new step ladder today

My real ladder left me.

Heard this one today: What did the left eye say to the right?

Something between us smells!

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sincerely complimented someones moustache today....

And she bitch slapped the shit outta me

Bought a air fresher for my car today.

Now I just need to buy a car.

A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.

The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."

My wife opened my car door for me today.

It would have been a nice gesture if we weren't going down the freeway at 70mph.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yogurt on the bus [NSFW]

On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater."

She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt..."

I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of my brother’s wedding today.

So there's a groom standing at the end of the aisle in the church waiting for his bride to walk down. He's got a huge smile on his face. His best man sees and says "I'm glad to see you're so happy!" The groom says, "of course I am I just got the best blow job of my life and I'm marrying the woman wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today.

It was motherfucking gold.

It's mad windy today. Trash is blowing everywhere

So watch out for your ex.

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

An old lady is walking down the street singing "21 today, 21 today."

A young man beside her snaps "You're not 21 you old bat." With a snap she slams her cane into his head and walks away singing.

"22 today, 22 today." With a smile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Couples therapist: So tell me, what brings you here today?

Wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

I dug my wife’s grave today.

Poor gal thinks I was digging a pond.

Today on greatest hits

Mike Tyson and Muhammad Ali.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at work My coworker graced me with this scenario

Guy we know is walking into bathroom.
Coworker says "Good luck."
Guy says "Come and get me if I am not out in 10 minutes."
Coworker says "Write how much you weigh on the wall in case you fall in. That way we know how much shit to pull out."

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn't suffer.

It was instant.

I heard today that Donald Trump is banning shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

I dressed up as the invisible man today to school.

Nobody noticed.

Lady Gaga Performed at the Prison today.

Might I say that the Audience were Captivated.

Today, I identify as a Giant.

My pronouns are fee, fo, fi, and fum.

Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue.

I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”

I was going to buy a load of whey protein powder today.

It's always better to buy it in bulk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who haven't taken a crap yet today...

...stop holding onto yesterday's shit!

A man died today when a pile of books fell on him.

He only had his shelf to blame.

So, today was not a good day.....

I decided to go horse back riding, after a few years of not being on one, turned out to be a big mistake, I got on the horse & started out slow, than we went a little faster, before I knew it we were going as fast as the horse could go, I couldn’t take the pace & fell off, catching my foot i...

I lost my job as an event planner at a nursing home today...

Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event.

I went to the butcher today,

I told the butcher I wanted funny bones. He asked What I wanted funny bones for, I tokd him for laughing soup.

I fell over at my standing desk today.

I guess I'm not good at thinking on my feet.

I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush today

There's no plaque

A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse

Halfway through the old man asks:

"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"

And the young farmer says:

"No, but I once told a cow to f@&$ off!"

While playing golf today I hit two good balls...

...I stepped on a rake.

I had an interview for a job as a Mime today, unfortunately i didn't get it.

Must of been something i said

I've tried killing myself today, highly recommend.

It was a one-in-a-lifetime experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.

Happy Father's Day!

Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.

I bought my son a drum set today

My wife was furious but I was ready to face the re-percussions

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.

I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.

A 9yr old girl disappeared today after using moisturiser...

Well.. the bottle did say *"look 10yrs younger!"*

My doctor told me today that I was too sweet.

Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me today that some days, i can be a total bastard

I've chosen mondays and wednesdays

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison fence.

I thought to myself, “that’s a little condescending.”

I saw a real idiot at the Gym today.....

He put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

Why are you not allowed to write anything in r/harrypotter today?

No Post on Sundays

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today is my wife and I's anniversary...

I wanted to have sex, but she wanted to go to Outback Steakhouse. Her parents suggested that we go to church and renew our vows. We compromised.

So we did it outback by the church.

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

Today I saw my friend in class listening to music, so I asked him what music it was.

He said he was listening to rap and asked what I was listening too. I looked him dead in the eye, put a paper clip in my ear and said heavy metal.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

I got fired from my job today, for helping a client.

Apparently, you aren't supposed to give ideas on how to die, when they call you at Suicide Helpline number.

I farted in the bus today and four people turned around..

I felt like I was on The Voice.

Just burned 2000 calories today.

I won’t forget to remove the brownies from the oven next time.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool

so I gave him a glass of water.

Until today, I could never understand how my parents entertained themselves in their days, before smartphones were a thing

I asked my 72 other siblings and they haven’t got a clue either.

Feeling hopeless, I finally asked my parents and they said they played lots of sports. For some reason, I think they’re lying...

The panda bears rioted in the streets of Beijing today . . .

It was pandamonium!!!

How did Jesus do in the construction test today?

He nailed it!

Why was Putin late for work today?

His car kept Stalin

Today I tried nicotine free juice in my vape

0mg

The first all female spacewalk took place today.

I bet they took forever to get ready.

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