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I quit my job at the Helium factory today

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today

"It tastes like dirt!"

I told him it was just ground this morning.

My gun saved my life today.

It misfired.

I was auditioning for a play today, and the director yelled at me. He said my acting reminded him of a female reproductive organ! Needless to say I stormed off…

But after I thought about it, I went back. I had to apologize for ovary acting.

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

I kissed a girl today.

Wish I could post this in another sub some day.

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I gave my wife an orgasm today!

She spit it out

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible"

"Well I'm your man" I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

I think I really connected with my inner self today…

That’s the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

My boss fired me today for giving out too many free samples.

It's a shame because I really liked my job at the sperm bank.

Guy told me to "get a life" today.

So I took his.

I got fired from the bank today

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…

I thought “that’s a little condescending”

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My wife gave birth today, after she was stable and sleeping I thanked the Doctor, then sheepishly asked 'When we will be able to have sex?'

He winked at me and said 'I knock off in 10 minutes, meet me in the car park'

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Saw a joke over at r/electricians today whilst on the port a potty!

So I was on the jonny, and I shit you not, there in front of me on the shitter door was a note that said,"toilet tennis, look left!

I looked left and it read,"look right!"

I laughed so hard I shit myself, which was ok givin the location!

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Kids today.

I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other...

I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,

I want you to sell this to me.

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, bring my laptop back now.

I said, £200 and it's yours.

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A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

Bumped into an old deaf friend today.

Him: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: Sure.

Him: Same here.

Today convinced me that society isn't deteriorating as much as we think.

I was on the bus at 6am and this really generous guy offered me a sip from his half-empty whiskey bottle.

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

I was going to donate blood today but they started asking way too many personal questions like...

“Whose blood is this?!"

“Where did you get it?!"

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.

Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!

Started to clean my bathroom today but it was way too difficult

In the end, I just threw in the towel

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

I saw a math-related T-shirt today

It said f(x) = |X|

AVOID NEGATIVITY

That’s ABSOLUTEly the silliest joke I ever saw.

I asked my dad what he was planning to do today.

He said he was going to the optometrist to pick up his new prescription then he'd see.

today is 9/9/22

or 9/9/22 for you effing europeans 🙄

I went for an audition at a talent agency today.

They asked "so what's your special talent?"

I said "I do bird impressions!"

They said "sorry, that’s not original we have had loads of them!"

I said "fair enough!!"... and flew out the window

The economy in the UK...

... is getting so dire that the elderly aren't getting to enjoy their retirement.

The BBC interviewed 73 year old Charles from Windsor: "despite having a generous government pension, I've had to start working today."

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

I got caught peeing in a pool today.

The lifeguard yelled so loud, I almost fell in!

I tried to convince my friend I saw a snow monster for the second time today

Yeti still didn’t believe me

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I was woken up today by

Oral sex. That’s the last time I fall asleep on the bus with my mouth open

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Today was the worst day of my life...

First, my doctor tells me I'm dyslexic. Then, my wife texts me saying she's looking to spice up our sex life by doing Alan. Who the fuck is Alan?!

I got this from my 12yo cancer patient as I was rounding today...

How do you put an elephant in a Safeway bag?

You take the f out of safe and the f out of way.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

I got diagnosed with tourettes today

guess it's time to tic that off my to-do list.

I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."

“That's terrible," she replied, "We’re they moving?”

“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”

TIFU: My uniform fetish has been escalating to unhealthy levels. Today I set the apartment on fire just so I could call 911, and I didn't realize my girlfriend was still inside.

Don't worry. I came to her rescue.

My son today accidentally drank invisible ink.

I'm sat with him in the emergency room waiting to be seen.

Joe Biden had a meeting with the Cabinet today

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

What's the difference between the jokes i read today and the jokes i read last week?

The posters.

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee an...

God spoke to me today.

He said "Stay in bed and skip work".

Turns out my boss isn't religious and I'm unemployed.

Today I learned that the boomerang is Australia's biggest export

And also its biggest import.

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"

"I'm gonna do it," one guy tells the other and disappears through the church door.

5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you ...

I missed work today because I pulled a groin

Not mine - someone else’s. He punched me and now I have a bloody nose.

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

I am a little sad today, My korean friend was found dead

He was soo yung

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

It was so hot today...

That I actually saw two fire hydrants fighting over a dog.

(One for those in the UK today) I'm not saying it's hot in my living room...

But two Hobbits just walked in and threw a ring into it.

I came home today to find that my wife was on Ebay all day.

If she's still on there tomorrow, I'll have to lower the price

I ordered coffee at a Cafe today and it's already better than dad...

Because it came with milk

I walked into a clairvoyant's today. She said, "The brothel's next door."

She's good.

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my wife got her test results back today...

It turns out she doesn't have Tourettes. She just really fucking hates me.

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that he'll be starring in a new movie about a 18th century composer

When asked about it it, Mr Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

Today was a bad day

My ex got hit by a car and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

Two kids on my street got arrested today.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

Only one of them was charged; the other was let off.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably angry today…

… but first I need to put my luxury chef knives in the dishwasher.

The holy month of Ramadan starts today. For all my Muslim friends who are observing Ramadan…

..Lunch is on me.

A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.

He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?

I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"

He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

Today my girlfriend told me that I’m Indiana Jones, so I told her…

Well in that case, that makes you Diana Jones

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the dentist and his brother

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of

actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells h...

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram. (Stroller for Americans.)

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

Today is NOT my cake day

But when it comes I will NOT attempt to farm karma with it.


April fools.

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Just for Bieber

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of young, loud Justin Bieber Fans, shouting and singing , with posters of Justin Bieber new album in their hands "JB I love you" s...

I swam 400 laps today and that wasn't easy

Half the time the shower curtain was in the way!

Today I'm turning 40 but I feel so proud of my 20yr old slim body ...

And if you don't believe me go check my freezer.

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I’ve had three orgasms today.

The next one is forthcoming.

Being 62, I wasn't surprise to find my first grey pubic hair today.

What surprised me was finding it in the McDonald's cheeseburger I had for lunch.

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

So we took our new dog to the beach today

I realise now it was not a good idea to name him Shark

A man walked up to me today, looked me in the eyes, and said, ”Apportion.”

I smiled and said, “Thank you, that means allot to me.”

The inventor of auto correct died today.

His fun fair is next monkey

I told Alexa to play pet sounds on repeat to keep my dog company while I was out of the house today.

Long story short, my shih-tzu knows the words to "God Only Knows" now.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school today?

The kid woke up, he was fine

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app.

It just sent an ambulance to my house.

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Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes.

Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

Our soccer team is so bad that our opponents hit the bar three times in the first half of today’s match.

They could have at least waited till the end to celebrate.

Today I found out that Bill Nye is just a stage name.

His real name is William New Year’s Eve.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

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I stand here today, in the grave of my unborn children...

or in other words, I accidentally put on the cum sock.

I feel like cheating on my partner today.

My left hand is looking real fine.

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

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I finally measured my penis today...

Apparently my college girlfriend read the "9" on the ruler upside down.

I rode an elevator today manufactured by a company named “Schindler”

I was on Schindler’s Lift.

It is Summer - down at the beach today a guy was yelling "Help, shark, HELP"!!

I had to laugh because I know for a fact that the shark was not going to help him...

My son was just thrown out of school

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him.

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

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Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

Steve Irwin would still be alive today if he put on sunscreen

It protects you from harmful rays

I was devastated to hear that someone in my town was crushed under a skid of Canada Dry today.

Now i guess we're both soda pressed.

Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!" --his fellow workmates just cheered

A father picks his son up from school and tells him "Today we're gonna go to the forest and learn some survival."

The son asks "Cool! How long will we be there?"

The father replies: "I don't know, I just gambled the house away."

On a historic day like today I expected more dead baby jokes

Guess I will have to travel out of state to find those too

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Ugh, my boss is so out of touch. Apparently, as of of today, I’m no longer allowed to breastfeed in the office.

He said “Look, I know that the world is becoming more accepting of these kinds of things, but Steve you’re fucking 36”

I rode my unicycle for 10 miles today

When I got home it wouldn't stand up on it's own.

It was one tired bike

I got sacked today on my first day as a masseur

Apparently “finish up on my face” doesn’t mean what I thought it did !

Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!

And it only took me 14 years

Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?”

And it activated the front camera

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I went to see a palm reader today

He said "looking at your palms i can see you masturbate frequently".

"Sorry" i said "i probably should have wiped that off first ".

Today's my birthday. They say, as you get older, the mind's the second thing to go...

I can't remember what they said the first thing was.

Wife wants to see the circus

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Yakov's Moscow Circus is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinne...

I’m a truck driver, and today I saw a homeless woman holding up a sign that said “please help, I am deaf”.

My air horn disagreed

Caller: “Jack Smith will not be in school today.”

Teacher: “Is he sick? Who is this speaking please?”

Caller: “This is my father speaking.”

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store downtown...

I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Wednesday morning I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.

So today, I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl...

At work today...

... the new guy asked where the color printer was.

I said, "It's 2022, use any printer you want, Jamal."

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I watched my first porn film today

I looked so much younger back then

Someone called me pretentious today.

I nearly choked on my honey-cardamom latte.

An elderly woman was very ill, and in the hospital.

Her daughter was constantly by her bedside, but when she had to go to work, she called her husband and made him promise he would visit his mother-in-law while she was away.

When she came home after work, she asked her husband, very worried:
"So, how's my mom doing?"

"She‘s great!” ...

I found out my wife was cheating on me today.

She said "I'll be home in 10-15 minutes max"

...... My name is Aaron.

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Today i saw a bunch of priests gang-banging

Holy Fuck!

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Speeding?

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over.

He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to t...

An agricultural inspector goes to a farm to carry out field tests and inspections.

He calls out in the yard but no one comes so decides to carry on with his inspection. He arrives at the first gate and is about to open it when he hears a shout from the other side of the field.

“YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE!!!!”

He looks over and sees the farmer on an opposite gate so he s...

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face.

Seriously, my parents are the worst.

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So there is this bear hunter

So this chap is out bear hunting. He sees a large bear, sneaks up on it, takes his shot and misses!

The bear spots him and charges. The hunter runs but trips and the bear is on him. To his surprise the bear doesn't maul him to death but says:

"Look, I've eaten today but I am a bit ho...

I got gas today for $1.57

Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell…

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

I turned up for my new job at the local police station today ....

but they arent very supportive. All the could say was "you arent qualified", "why are you naked" and "we can't catch him because he is covered in baby oil"

Went to the optometrist office today and bumped into an old friend!

I also bumped into the optometrist, the receptionist, and I knocked over their sunglasses display.

My boss said I could finish work at half four today.

As I left the office he yanked me by the collar.

"What are you doing?" he frowned.

I said, "Stick to your word, it's two o'clock."

Today I saw a license plate that said 420-fps

Their is no joke I just want to share something cool but I have no friends

Jesus walks into a bar.

He sees a Russian man with a glass of water. Jesus asks "My son, are you a believer?" The Russian replies "No." With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine. "Well my son, do you believe now?" The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus comes into the bar and ...

Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...

I bought a new deodorant stick today. The instructions said remove the wrapper and push up bottom

I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely!

I realized today that pizza...

Is just a sandwich some Italian dude gave up on.

Weekly cult meetings

A cult holds weekly meetings and all members are expected to attend regularly. This week only two cultists show up. After waiting awkwardly for awhile making small talk, they realize no one else is coming.

Both of them are getting nervous and they admit to each other they missed last weeks c...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

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Called into work today...

ME: Can't come into work boss.

BOSS: Why?

Me: I have Anal Glaucoma.

BOSS: What the hell is that?

ME: I just can't see my ass going into work today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"What'd he say???"

An older gentleman pulled into a country gas station while on a road trip with his wife. He got out and proceeded to fill the car with gasoline.

A local was filling up at the adjoining pump. "Nice day today."

"Yes it is," replied the old timer.

His wife, sitting in the passe...

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

had to quit my job at the cat shelter today

They reduced meowers

I got in trouble my bookstore today...

...they didn't appreciate me moving The Handmaid's Tale to non-fiction.


(My heart goes out to the US. I'm so sorry.)

A thief was sentenced today for stealing a calendar

They got 12 months

I'm here with a man who lost his wife earlier today.

How careless of him.

Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

------

Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is *kind of* what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers...

I was at the airport today and saw a man collapse on the luggage carousel.

He slowly came around.

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