I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!

And it only took me 14 years

I got fired from the bomb squad today :(

It's too bad really.....

I had a blast working there!

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

Ten years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife was pretty upset about it, but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

I went for an audition at a talent agency today.

They asked "so what's your special talent?"

I said "I do bird impressions!"

They said "sorry, that’s not original we have had loads of them!"

I said "fair enough!!"...
and flew out the window.

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

I was at the bus stop today

And a young blonde in a short skirt boarded the bus. She didn't have enough money for the fare, so she hitched up her skirt. The driver took one look and waved her on the bus.
The next day I thought I'd try the same. My bus came along. I got on and showed the driver a bit of leg.
He immediatel...

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

I went to a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160

I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

Did you hear that the guy that makes rings and necklaces out of steel is closing his shop for today?

Yes, it's ferrous jeweller's day off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This no kidding came from my 10 y/o today from his class. 5th Grade

Student #1: was acting rude and obnoxious toward other students in class

My kiddo: "Stop acting rude"

Student #1: "Make me"

Student #2 (a friend of my kiddo): "Your Mom and Dad already made that mistake."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parrot died today…

His last words were

“Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die”

Sad news, my obese parrot died today.

Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to McDonald's today and ate a kid's meal.

He cried and his mom was pissed.

I'm not adulting today.

I'm kidding.

New York is a great city. Today I was at the library, & I asked the librarian for a library card. He told me I first had to prove I was from New York.

So I stabbed him.

During my interview today…

I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.

I simply replied “No, I just always give 110%”

I decided to become vegan today

The hardest part is quitting cold turkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order.

So, I just held it for 20 minutes.

The woman opposite me stared at me in disgust and said, "is that shit in your hand?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Norm MacDonald died today

When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.

He read it out loud: “E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are DICKS!”

RIP Norm.

I made this one up today…. What is Santa’s favorite weather?

It’s rain, dear!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a sign that made me piss myself today, it said:

Toilets closed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

My doctor cancelled my visit today.

I was Disappointed.

Today I passed a basketball to a blind kid.

He gave it back and said it was a great book.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I urinated and then masturbated

You can say I peanut

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

There was a manmade Earthquake today

But no one knew who was at fault.

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

Today I broke the lamp outside my neighbor's house

For some reason he's delighted

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today"

I got fired from the keyboard factory today...

It seems I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

My yoga instructor came to the yoga session drunk today

He put me in an awkward position

The man who invented the crossword puzzle died today...

...he was buried 4 down and 3 across.

Today I realized that I didn’t understand what “sunk cost fallacy” meant all my life.

Oh well, too late to do anything about it now.

Captan Kirk & Today’s Shuttle Launch

If William Shatner really wanted to go “where no man had gone before”, He should have just used the associates bathroom At the Amazon distribution center.

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today!

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self checkout lane.

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I’m not too bothered.

it wasn’t mine.

Twenty years ago...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a...

I ran into an old friend from school today who immediately starting bragging about his wonderful life.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.”

He said, “Why? is she good looking?”

I said, “No, she’s a optician.”

Our computers went down at work today ...

... so we had to do everything manually.

It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rolled a joint* today and hadda drag...*

*my ankle

*...my ass to the ER.

I made a mistake shaving my privates today

Or "gross misconduct" as my court martial put it

Today I totally forgot the name of Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband…

Today I totally forgot the name of Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband…

but then it donda me.

Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...

and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

Today I told an eye joke,

Apparently nobody had ever heard a cornea joke before

I went to visit the wife's grave today...

She still thinks it's going to be a fishpond.

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".

The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."

"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollar...

A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.

The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."

So I saw this ghost today and...

The ghost was sad, told him a joke, lifted up his spirits. But I was sad after realizing that this joke is dead

A old woman was arrested on terrorism charges today

A elderly woman was arrested on terrorism charges at Heathrow airport today.

She had tried to bring a bomb onto a plane with her.

When questioned as to why she did such a thing she said she was deathly afraid of her plane being blown up by a terrorist and thought the chances of two bom...

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was listening to Beethoven's 3rd movement today

He must have the shits

Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a Jehovah's Witnesses advent calendar today.

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

Their age.

I took my dog to the park today to play Frisbee.

He was hopeless. I think I need a flatter dog.

Its bad enough I'm bulimic, but today, after vomiting up my alphabet soup...

I discovered I'm also dyslexic!

A child got caught swearing in class today.

The teacher told him to stop saying those words. She also implies that he doesn't even know what it means

The child responded "I know what it means"

The teacher said "Oh yeah? Then what does it mean?"

The student said "It's when the car won't start"

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

5 years ago, I messaged a random person on Facebook, asking for a date. Today, I asked them to marry me.

They said no both times.

I dropped my Nokia from the balcony today

And they thought the building collapsed due to an earthquake...

Somebody threw Omega-3 pills at me today.

I got super fish oil injuries

I taught my pet dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground today

He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes

A new law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at l...

Today, while constipated, I decided to solve a difficult math problem.

I was able to work it out with my pencil.

Today its finally Europeans time to celebrate!

Happy 9/11 guys!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired today when my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently the hospital has “very strict rules” around what we are allowed to do with COVID patients in the ICU.

I had to buy a new knife today

The old one just couldn’t cut it.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it’s their cake day just for upvotes…

You won’t catch me doing that today.

If Jesus were alive today what kinda of car would he drive?

a Christler!

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

What day is today

Friend :what day is today?

Me:Tuesday

Friend: woah, even Einstein can't answer that .

Me:why?

Friend: because he's dead

Girl: What are your plans today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.

Girl: And after that?

Boy: And after that we'll see.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Indian salesman

A young guy from India moves to the US and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was an insurance salesman back in India ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked...

There were so many people at my house today without masks and social distancing, imagine the stench…

Lucky I haven’t been able to smell anything in the past few days…

I was walking down the street today, and noticed a woman screaming at her son. How do you lose a cello, it's as big as you are? Where could you have possibly lost it, tell me or so help me.

I walked up to the woman, and said for the sake of your son, please do not resort to violins.

Today I learned.

TIL that our oceans are now ten percent spandex. Now they can fit the earth more snugly..

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said,

"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

I went to the butcher today

I went to the butcher today and asked him why they only did the traditional cuts of meat.

He said there's some loins you just don't cross.

Everyone today is doing threesomes and foursomes...

While I'm here just handsome :(

My computer gave birth today

Now I need to buy a baby monitor

Bad news. I got fired from my job at the bank today.

I mean, it was an easy mistake... An elderly woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My boss accused me of having a drinking problem today.

This took me by surprise. I was under the impression I’m pretty good at it.

The inventor of Velcro died today.

RIP

Today I thought my horses were sick

But it turns out there in stable condition

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

The US and Chinese virtual summit got off to a rocky start today.

They kept having issues with Xi Jin’s ping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I ate 2 pieces of string and today they came out tied.

I shit you knot!

Why did the frog take the bus to work today?

His car got toad away.

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had to go see the doctor today.

Me: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident.


Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

I went to the website for Oreos today

I hit "Accept All Cookies" and got nothing.

To all the women who gave birth today…

Happy Labor Day!

My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he's going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.

I told him my door is always open.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Mario joke I heard for the first time today:

Mario is a Japanese character, so his family name could be Itsumi, or in Japanese name order…

Itsumi Mario

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today.

She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.



I'll escort myself out.

I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,

“I want you to sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said, “£200 and it’s yours.”

Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years.

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him

Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...

May divorce be with you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I realized that my wife apparently has the same approach to egg nog as to sex…

No “egg nog” before Thanksgiving (marriage), lots of “egg nog” for about a month and a half, and no “egg nog” after Christmas!

My wife caught me cross dressing today, and said it's over.

So I packed her clothes and left.

I had to kill a fish today...

I was fine about it but the fish was gutted.

True Story: I found a note on my doorstep today.

Opening it, I was excited to see a riddle!

It read:
"What dog has legs
But cannot run.
A tail,
It cannot wag,
A mouth,
But cannot bark,
A nose,
But cannot smell?"

I love ...

A homeless guy asked me for some money today

I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going to drugs?", I thought to myself. "Nah." So I gave him the $20.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dogs name is minton and today he ate my wife's shuttlecock and racquet while she was at work.

Bad Minton..

Today I pulled a key off my keyboard [long]

Today I pulled one of the CTRL keys from my keyboard and was shocked to find myself looking down at the entire universe: stars planets, black holes, the whole thing was right there beneath my keyboard.

I was so shocked I called a friend in to show her. After five minutes of gazing into total...

Mom: What did you do at school today?

Me: We did a guessing game

Mom: But I thought you had a math exam.

Me: That's right!

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”
He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

Someone gave me a $30 tip today

He said if I wanted more than just the tip it would be $60.

I called Animal control Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

I was speaking to my friend today

I was speaking to my friend today who's parents just got back after a 3 week trip. I asked him, "How did you feel when you saw your parents after such a while?", to which he replied, "you know Im extremely unreactive!"
I then looked at him dead in the eyes and told him," How noble of you."

I buried my son today at the beach.

I waited till dark so there were no witnesses.

I got my 3rd shot today. I asked my nurse if she knew what the chair I sat in was called...

I told her.. "it's a booster seat"

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a donation for the neighborhood pool...

I gave a glass of water.

A man was riding his motorcycle through the border of Germany and Austria every week carrying 2 bags filled with sand.

The border guard, an older man, searched both bags every time, but never found anything so he let him through. This goes on for a couple days until the border guard had his last day before retirement. Again the man comes to the boarder, both bags filled with sand. The guard asks him: "Look man, toda...

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

Today my girlfriend said she will spend the entire day wearing only a short skirt and a long jacket.

After all, it is my Cake day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

A dwarf spiritualist broke out of prison today.

Police say there is a small medium at large.

Today I was fired from my job…

I was on a business trip with the young attractive CFO of my company. We checked in at the hotel around the same time and took the elevator up together. After noticing that she was heading to the highest floor, reserved exclusively for their most frequent guests who have stayed with them for over a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I saw about a hundred guys running around the park with their testicles hanging out.

Could have been even more, that's just a ballpark estimate.

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...

Today I got bullied by 9 and 25

They are mean squares.

Today i saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall...

I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending"....

Two prisoners have escaped today

One is 7 feet, the other is 3 ft 6 in. Police are looking high and low for them.

My kid told me he broke the sound barrier on his bike today.

But it was just a mock mach joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was

She said ''Fuck you''



so i'm pretty excited for 2022

I quit my job today after my boss rang out of money and could only pay me in vegetables...

Told him i could not live on that celery....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.