I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said "yes!"

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

Yes, we have no bananas

Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song "Yes, we have no bananas"

Guy1: I love this song

Guy2: Yes. I think it's written by Mozart

Guy1: Of course it's not. They didn't make swing music in Mozart's time

Guy2: Yes they did!

Guy1: You're st...

I was walking home from school when I saw a boy on the curb wearing rags and cloths. I asked "Are you an orphan?" He said "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said "Your Parents"

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

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A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your husband sexually active?” “Yes,” the woman said. “We have verbal sex everyday.” “Verbal sex?I think you mean oral sex” the doctor said. “I mean verbal sex.” the woman said.

“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’ ”.

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

When I offer to help you in the shower, I want a simple yes-or-no answer

Not any of this “who are you and how did you get in my house” nonsense.

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I proposed a threesome to my wife. And she said yes.

So this weekend its going to be my stupid fucking ideas, the sofa and me.

All Mexicans are yes men

Si what I mean?

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

The answer is yes.

Is this a time travel joke?

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”

“Yes... but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time..

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, sure. I would love to here it. " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

I went to a restaurant and the waiter asked, “Would you like to hear today’s special?” I said, “Yes please.”

The waiter smiled and replied, "Sure thing. Today is special."

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An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."

She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

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My girlfriend asked me if I had ever I peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents"

She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"
I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".

Does England have a 4th of july?

Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th.

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How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"


"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

Just asked a girl to marry me and she said Yes...

Though I think that her English was a bit off because she exactly said - I don’t no you.

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An indian man on his death bed.

"Sanjita, my wife, are you here?"


"Yes, my husband"


"My daughters are you here?



"Yes, papa"


"My sons are you here ?"


"Yes, Father, we are all here"



"Then who's in the fucking shop?"

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I went into the drug store and asked the pharmacist if he had Viagra. He said, "Yes".

So I asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"


-

He replied, "If I take two."

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life? Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

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What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is wort...

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

Ah, yes. Minotaur.

The first cowboy

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Man walks into a bar (yes but not one you know.) NSFW

New york man walks into a bar in mobile alabama with a crocodile.

He walks up to the bar with the croc, and orders two drinks.

The barman takes one look at the guy. Then looks at the croc, and says get real I'm not serving that here.

The NY guy says ah don't mind him hes well ...

I don't understand my wife, first she says "Yes, fine, have a tattoo!"

...and now she's moaning about the bagpipers in the garden!

My billionaire boss sent me out for a gallon of milk. "That's what, about $3000?" he asked. "Yes, sir," I replied. So I pick it up for him and kept the difference.

Skim milk has never tasted so good.

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

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Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

Why yes I’m also a member of PETA and an animal rights person

Yup I’m a Preferred Eater of Tasty Animals and all animals have a right to be served on my plate.

"As a quantum physicist opening the box with Schrodinger's cat, do you expect it to be dead or alive?"

"Yes"

My deaf girlfriend proposed to me and I knew I just had to say yes.

It was a sign.

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A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

Paddy says to Mick,"I found this pen,is it yours" Mick replies "Don't know, give it here" He then tries it and says "yes it is" Paddy asks, How do you know?

Mick replies,
"That's my handwriting"

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Grandpa, Can I Have a Tricycle?

A very young James went to his grandfather and asked for a tricycle.



Grandfather asked, "Jimmy, can your weewee reach all the way to your butthole?"



"Well, no Grandpa, it can't", Jimmy replied sheepishly.



Grandpa said to come back and talk when it could.<...

"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You might think I'm strange, but my favourite porn is where a kitten is saying "yes" or where a kitten is saying "absolutely"...

Those are my favourite catagrees.

Altar boy goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm su...

What is the difference between Yes and No?

Don’t worry, the Supreme Court doesn’t know either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason.

No, this does not mean that I am obligated to show you my breasts to prove their existence

Yes, judge I do have something to say

If you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," ...

Yes...First Computer was from Apple

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

A man is at a funeral of an old friend. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "Plethora"

The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, that means a lot."

Police asked the husband "Did you witness the suspect murder your wife?" The husband said "Yes."

Police: "Mind me ask why you did not intervene?"

Husband: "He looked like he was capable of doing it alone."

What happened to the Spanish pirate that said yes too much?

He got sí-sick.

He: Would you sleep with me for $10000? She: Yes, of course I would. He: So will you sleep with me for $20? She: What do you think I am?

He: I thought we just clarified that.

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That’ll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn’t have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"

A guy asked his crush to prom, and to his surprise, she said yes! The day before prom, he gets ready for the exciting day.

First, he goes to the tuxedo store to rent a tux, there was a huge line and he finally got the tux after 30 minutes. Next, he goes to the flower shop to buy a bouquet of flowers. There was an even longer line and he waited for 60 minutes to finally get the flowers. Finally, he went to the car shop t...

A poll was taken in California, asking if people thought illegal immigration was a serious problem. 29 percent said, 'Yes, it is a serious problem.'

71 percent said, 'No es un problema serio.'

A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes"

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

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