UPJOKE
somewherenowherewhereveranywayelsenotanybodyanythingwhatanyplaceanyoneyousomethingthannothing

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The good thing about the Middle Ages was that you could pee and poop anywhere.

The bad thing about the Middle Ages was that everyone could pee and poop anywhere.

For two years I didn't go anywhere and didn't interact with people at all.

But now that the lockdowns are over... I will have to come up with another reason.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

What’s the best part about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere

“Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere “

Me: well it got me to the sarcasm world championships in Peru 98

“Really “

Me: No

I can't find my pet rabbit anywhere, I think my buddy Mitchell took it.

Mitch better have my bunny.

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A guy went into a bank to ask for a loan. ‘I have some black powder,’ he told the manager. ‘You sprinkle it on a woman’s vagina and it makes it taste like a peach.’ ‘I’m sorry,’ said the manager. ‘I don’t think we can give you a loan for that.’

A few months later the same guy entered the same bank pushing a wheelbarrow full of money.
The manager said: ‘Congratulations. I guess that idea for black powder really paid off.’
‘No, that didn’t go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder.’
‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘What doe...

What do you call a dinosaur that can travel anywhere on Earth?

All-Terrainnosaurus Rex

A pig with a wooden leg

A tourist from the city passed a farmhouse and saw a pig with a wooden leg. He went to the farmer and asked him about the pig.

The farmer said, "Oh, this is a great pig! There's no pig like him anywhere! Once, when I was plowing a field, the tractor tipped over and pinned my leg to the ground...

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A kid goes to the shops with his mum...

A kid goes to the shops with his mum.  He has always wondered about the female anatomy,  so he peers under the skirt of a mannequin. But unfortunately,  his mum sees him doing it.  


Whack! She smacks him over the head.  


"What are you doing,  you dirty little boy? There's nothi...

Norm Macdonald: I was gonna say that the Polish government did actually try to land on the Sun back in the..[interrupted: No, no they didn’t.] (Norm continues) Yes, and they were ridiculed for it, because they said, you know, you’ll burn up when you come anywhere near it.

They said 'we’re going at night'

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remember when jokes like this were funny... before smartphones?

A chap walks into a pub carrying two suitcases. He puts them down and orders a drink. As he pays the barman notices that he is wearing a large watch.

'That's a large watch' says the barman (see I told you!)

'This watch,' says the man, 'is the very latest in high tech gadgetry. It'll te...

Farm Boy Billy

Billy moves to the city to find fame and fortune.

Billy can't get a job anywhere and asks someone why no one will hire him and is told it's because country folk are dumb. Billy disagrees but the city guy says "I'll show you" and sticks his hand in front of a wall and says "Punch this".
...

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

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Foreign Legion(long)

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way...

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

How do we know the tooth brush was invented in Alabama?

If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the "teeth brush."

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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"W...

Politician visited a village in India.

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were.
”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”


On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassur...

They want us to get vaccinated so they can inject us with microchips and track us anywhere.

-Sent from my iPhone

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Due to sanctions, people have to queue down for food in Russia these days…

One young man is in line, waiting for eggs, when everybody starts to leave the line—it’s been announced that they are out of eggs.

“Damn,” he remarks, “I remember when they didn’t run out of eggs.”

He moves on, of course, and lines up to buy bread. He waits, and waits, but again the li...

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

My wife refused to go anywhere but to a seafood place on our last date night

I told her she was being shellfish

old soviet joke (I believe it was created after Czechoslovakia uprising)

So John, Pierre and Ivan are having few drinks. Guys start talking cars. Pierre brags a bit - "Well, in Paris I drive my Citroen, but to countryside I take Peugeot. Of course, for longer trips to Europe my wife insists on Renault - its so much more spacious". "Well, that's nothing, in London I drive...

"Tell me about the day you died."

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was hav...

There is a medieval town with a group of friars.

You know the ones, balding on top, fringe of hair, gray-robed religious folks. They are having a meeting to discuss the lack of donations to the church.

"Donations are at an all time low, it just isn't enough to support the church any more! Anyone have any ideas of how we could make more mone...

I hardly drive anywhere yet have recently bought a Ferrari, a BMW, an RX-7, a Mercedes-Benz and an Aston Martin.

I clearly have the car owner virus.

Two good ol’ boys were out hunting in the fields…

when they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They edged closer and were amazed at its size.

The first one said, "By golly, that's some hole! I can’t see the bottom - I wonder how deep it is?


Scratching his chin the second said, "Well, I surely don't know.“

The fi...

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My Cake Day penis joke:

A guy goes to the beach for vacation, and he really wanted to impress the ladies on the beach. He worked out a bunch, tanned in advance, and bought a tiny banana hammock bathing suit for himself.

Each day, he put on his tight budgie smuggler and began walking the beach, smiling at the bathin...

A boy wakes up on his birthday and is excited for presents.

However he finds none anywhere and then his mother arrives. "Yo, yo yo, new bike, a lil video game and one toy soldier boy!" she sings "What? Where are my presents?" he demands. The mother says: "Your father told me I had to rap the presents."

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Three homeless guys are looking for a place to sleep for the night

(It's a long one but bear with it).

The first guy comes across a dumpster in an alleyway, he decides it's too cold to keep looking and climbs inside.

The second guy walks to the end of the alleyway and finds an abandoned car, he gets to work on picking the lock as he decides that's whe...

I told my suitcases that we wouldn't be going anywhere this year due to the coronavirus.

Ive been having to put up with a lot of emotional baggage.

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Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"what's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that yo...

Joke that you can tell anywhere

Mr and Mrs Tomato were watching TV one afternoon and they got a knock on the door. It was a policeman and so Mr Tomato went to see what he wanted.

Cop: The cop asked, are you Mr Tomato?

Mr Tomato: yes, officer

Cop: Do you have a son called Big Red?

Mr Tomato: yes, but wha...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

Has anyone seen my marzipan cake anywhere?

I think it's been stollen.

(My first post to the sub so go easy on me!)

Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn’t want to go anywhere he doesn’t feel welcome...

So what’s he still doing in the white house?

Where do vegetables go on vacation?

Anywhere with wheelchair accessibility.

Remember when getting air at a gas station was free? Now they charge you anywhere from a quarter to a dollar!

I guess that's the cost of inflation for you.

Woman on the street accused me of staring at her behind.

In my defence I said I'd look anywhere but.

Why was the cow arrested for jumping over the moon?

Because it broke the laws of physics!!

(my son says he made this up himself!! can't find it anywhere else so maybe....)

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

I needed to address a large crowd but I couldn't find a megaphone anywhere.

So I just bought a million phones.

I was on a road trip with my wife, who insisted on staring at large map, and barking out directions...

...So I took it off her, and scrunched it up into a little ball.

She was not impressed to say the least, and whined "how are we going to find our way now" as she un-crumpled the paper, "we're lost now".

I said "well you're not going to get anywhere with that latitude".

The great horrors of war..

A nun is walking through the church courtyard when a soldier comes running up to her.

The soldier says, "Sister, quickly! May I please hide under your skirt? My lieutenant is looking for me and I know he is going to send me to Syria!"

The nun replies, "Why of course, it's an emergency!...

Just as quarantine ends, you win your choice of an all-expenses-paid vacation anywhere in the world for you and your spouse, or a steak dinner with your friends. Which do you choose...

(a) medium rare,
(b) medium, or
(c) well done?

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A wife gets instructions from her husband's doctor

Doc: Ma'am, your husband can live a long life, but you have to follow a set of instructions. First, you have to cook his favorite meals, depending on his requests. You'll also have to drive him anywhere he needs to go, and he should get lots of activities. Movies, sport events, you name it. If he pl...

I found this in an Indonesian book, and could not find it anywhere else: The man, the pastor, and the chicken

A man came to the church and met the Pastor. "Pastor, I confess," he says.

"At last!" exclaims the Pastor. "Finally you repent too!"

"Listen, Pastor, I have stolen a chicken from someone's field"

"My my, that definitely is a sin."

"If I gave away the chicken to the church...

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A Glaswegian joke that can be applied anywhere.

Three pieces of tarmac (asphalt for Americans) are in the pub at the end of the day.
One says, "I'm on the Great Western Road. You wouldn't believe what I have to go through every day! Cars, endless traffic, congestion, it'll make you pure mental!"
The next one says, "You think you're in a bad...

Always be nice

Long

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time of night," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer...

A patient goes to his doctor

A patient goes to his doctor and says,

Patient: Doctor the first medicine you've written in the prescription is not available anywhere. I've been to almost all the parmacies.

Doctor: Oh! That's not a medicine. I was just scribbling to check if the pen was working or not.

Samson was probably the best actor anywhere in the Bible.

His last performance really brought down the house.

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A small town psychiatrist is visiting a big city asylum

The resident psychiatrist is giving him a tour of the facility.

As they walk down the hallway they come to the first door on the left and the small town psychiatrist asks if he can take a look.

The resident psychiatrist says sure so they walk over and look through the little window ...

American Tourist

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very hi...

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An American Man, a French Man and an Irish Man are captured by a dragon.

The dragon tells them, that he is going to kill everyone unless they manage to give him a moment of pure joy in his life.

The American takes first and takes the dragon out for a weekend in Vegas. They go for some good mma fights, have some drinks, go play in the casinos and at the end have s...

My relationship with my chauffer just isn't going anywhere.

It feels like he's always trying to drive me away.

a professional pickup line

A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting by herself at the bar. He sits next to her and, before he can say a word, she turns to him and says, "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, for any reason." "What a coincidence," he replies. "I'm a lawyer, too."

What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself?

A pair of pantyhose.

I was talking to a lovely young lady and things seemed to be going really well.

Then she said "There's something I want to get out of the way right now," and she reached up and took a wig off her head, and it turned out she was as bald as a new-laid egg.

"Alopecia," she said. "It's a condition that causes hair to fall out."

"Oh," I said. "...Just on your head, or ...

Every Medical Expert : Gloves and masks would be enough to go anywhere such as Supermarket.

Liars!! Everyone else had their clothes on!

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within...

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Story Time - The Dog Party

This is not all that funny and it was told to me as part of someone's leaving speech way back in the mid-80's - but it does leave a long lasting impression that you can take with you, anywhere:

In 1964, all of the dogs in the world attended a weekender party. Early in the afternoon - in the e...

Nobody's driving anywhere, so oil demand has plummeted.

It really tanked.

I used to hitchhike at the side of the road, but it never got me anywhere in life. So I started hitchhiking in the middle of the road.

Which got me a free bed for a while.

Dave and the barber

So this guy Dave is in getting a haircut. He tells the barber, “I’m going on a three week vacation to Europe.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You’re going to hate it. Everything is so comp...

Why are atoms selfish?

Because they're all that matter!


...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.

I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a l...

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Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anyw...

Weird names can bring problems

In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin sons very weird names. One was named Trouble, while the other boy's name was Mind Your Own Business. So, one day they were playing hide and seek. Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. But, som...

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

I don't trust people when they say "nowadays you can get anything, anywhere!"

Because, how come my father is taking 10 years to find cigarettes?

“That’s what she said,” is a really versatile punchline to a joke because you can put it almost anywhere.

That’s what she said.

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

So, I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it would never get me anywhere in life...

I looked her dead in the eye and said... “You’re wrong mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”

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A man is watching the news one day

There is a commercial advertising a weight loss company. It says that you can lose anywhere from 5 pounds to 50 pounds in increments of five and it only cost $10. They said they have a 100% satisfaction guarantee and if you aren’t satisfied you can have a refund.

The man believes that this is...

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

I can’t get a dinner reservation anywhere today

Everyone and their mom must be out

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Shopping at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’...

I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.

Boy, did I have a smug look later when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive-thru!

I went to buy a 'Where's Wally?' book today but couldn't find one anywhere.

Well played, Wally. Well played.

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The Canoe

Two plump women were leaving a bar after a night of some heavy drinking. The full moon shone in a cloudless sky. They had gone a few blocks and were about to cross a small bridge when one of them said she needed to take a dump.

"It's only a few more blocks, you can hold it."

"No I can'...

You can go anywhere and see tulips

But only Chernobyl has threelips

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You just bought a self driving car that goes anywhere you tell it to go

You decide to test it out, and you say "hot dogs!"

The car speeds off and drives to the nearest hot dog stand.

"Cool! How about donuts?"

The car automatically drives to the nearest donut shop

"Alright! Now show me some horses!"

The car drives to the McDonald's acro...

If your girl complains that you never take her anywhere expensive

Take her to the gas station.

Three suitors - choose wisely.

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."


So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

...

Where do you find a cow that doesn't have any legs

Right where you left it. It isn't going anywhere.



(You thought this was going to be a "ground beef" joke, didn't you?)

I won’t go anywhere near foot hygiene tools...

I hear some of them are pedi files

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Every Time

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for 20 dollars for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated every time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking it was a cute way ...

I walked into a shop called Foot Locker but left very disappointed.

They didn't have anywhere for me to store a foot.

Two men are in a rowboat…

…After being shipwrecked in the middle of the Pacific. The first man looks over to the second and says: “We should paddle to the west. It is the way the ship was going. They’ll probably look for us first over there.”

The second man nods and says: “We could do that, or…”

The first man i...

One morning, a priest gives a sermon on the Seven Deadly Sins

After the sermon, a guy goes up to the priest and says, "Father, thank you so much for giving that sermon. It meant so much to me, and I'll tell you why. I lost my hat last week and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally decided to steal a new one from the store, but now that I heard your sermon, I'...

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Things you can say to a child as a patient in the ER but never anywhere else:

"If you don't swallow this I'l have to put it in your butt."

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

What's the difference between a zoo in Louisiana and a zoo anywhere else?

In Louisiana, next to the plaque with the animal's name, they've got a good recipe.

A woman takes her dog anywhere and everywhere...

On one trip she goes to Africa with her dog for a week long safari. One morning the dog goes outside and sees a lion running straight for the camp. The dog looks around and finds a pile of bones. Once the lion is within earshot the dog yells, "That was one tasty lion!" And continues to gnaw one a bo...

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Splash Zone

I have the same rule for a pissing contest contest as I do for Sea World. I'm down to watch but I don't want to be anywhere close enough that I might get wet

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

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The body’s organs were arguing over who should be in charge

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."...

Two doctors were at the subway station, heading for another work day

When they noticed an old man hunching and limping around.

— Poor guy - says one doctor — Yet another victim of sclerosis.

— Sclerosis? - asks the other one — I don't think so. That's clearly rheumatism.

— You can't be serious - replies the first one — How are you even a doctor i...

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"

It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

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Man walks into a singles bar...

A man walks into a single bar looking for some action. He orders a drink and sees a gorgeous woman sitting at the bar , extremely well dressed sexy but classy.

He goes up to and says "hi.." and before he can try his chat up lines she looks him up and down and says "I don't care what your name...

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

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I had to quit my job as a treadmill tester.

I just felt i wasn't getting anywhere!

My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

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An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”

“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”

He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He h...

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An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."


The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working,...

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