The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.

We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

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I'll never forget my grandpa's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt"

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

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Today I found out Hitler was my great great grandpa.

I did Nazi that coming.

Mommy, mommy, may I play with grandpa again tomorrow?

No, dear, it's time he finally gets buried.

I asked my Grandpa for twenty dollars

"Twenty dollars? What for?"

I told him I needed Groceries.

Grandpa said " When I was a boy my mom would give me one dollar. I would ride my bike to the grocers and come back with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, two sacks of potatos, a jug of milk, a tin of coffee, and two loaves of bre...

“Mommy, why is Grandpa running in zigzags?”

“Don’t question it, child. Just reload.”

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My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.

Grandma's taking it pretty hard.

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A grandson and his grandfather go fishing when the grandson asks his grandpa for a beer....

“Well can your pecker touch your butt?” The boy confused replies, “uhm no it can’t grandpa”. He looks at him and says “sorry kid not today then”. Some time passes and now the kid has grown into a man and decides to take his grandpa out fishing again. His grandpa opens up a beer and starts fishing wh...

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

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Little Johnny

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw ...

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Good-bye Daddy

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know dad...

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Granddaughter: How old are you grandpa?

Grandfather: 98 sweet child.
Granddaughter: what is your secret?
Grandfather: I sucked cock once to one Italian guy.
Granddaughter: Not that grandpa, I meant for your long life.
Grandfather: Ooooh that, a lot of green salat, fruits and good wine!

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A woman got shot by 7 bullets in war

She went to the infirmary,where she had surgery to remove the bullets


Doctor : -You will live a normal live,I couldn't get out 2 bullets but they will come out naturally


Then the woman goes on her way and has 2 twins,a boy and a girl


After 15 years,the mom is doing ...

My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.”

He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

Little Timmy goes up to Grandpa O’Malley and says...

“Can I have 5 bucks for a guinea pig?”
Grandpa O’Malley says “here’s 10 bucks, go get yourself a nice Irish girl instead.

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson

Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson to his bed, "Billy, I leave for you my chrome-plated .38 revolver."

"But Grandpa, I don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?"

"Billy, listen to your old man. Someday you have to run my business. Someday you're gonn...

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Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," sa...

One day, grandpa is taking care of his grandson...

Sitting on the porch, he's watching him picking up worms and trying to put them back in their holes on the dirt.

-That won't work, son. They're too soft and too slimy to be inserted like that.

-Wanna bet, grandpa?

-I'm telling you, it won't work.

-How about $10?

Se...

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A Grandpa and Grandson go fishing

Grandpa and Grandson go out together for a day’s fishing. At lunchtime, the man opens a can of beer.

“Can I have some, Grandpa?” asks the boy.

“I tell you what, son,” replies Grandpa. “Can your willy touch your backside?”

“No, Grandpa.”

“Then you can’t have any beer.”
...

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

My family couldn't agree on whether to get grandpa buried or cremated...

...so in the end we just let him live.

"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room."

"Thanks Grandpa!"

"Why did you call me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

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A young boy is out fishing with his Grandpa (NSFW)

As they are sitting together, the Grandpa pulls out a cigar from his coat pocket. The boy, around 12 years old, looks over at his Grandpa with a curious gaze. The grandpa then takes out a lighter and ignites the cigar.

"Grandpa" he says, "Do you think you could let me try that?"

The Gr...

This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans...

I said "Who is this guy?"

My grandpa replied "My hip replacement!"

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So my grandpa was out in the porch having a smoke [long]

Me: can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can your dick touch your asshole?

Me: uh, no

Gramps: well then you’re not a man, the answer is no

(Later that day while Gramps is having a beer)

Me: hey can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can ...

A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?

Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!

When my grandpa was on his last legs, he said ' you selfish boy...'

and to honour his memory, I became a fishmonger.

originally from the one and only Milton jones

What did my grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?

“Look how far I can kick this bucket?”

Then he had a stroke

My grandpa’s last wish is that we should convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did

Not screaming like the passengers in his car

Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard.

Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-

Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

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Grandpa, Can I Have a Tricycle?

A very young James went to his grandfather and asked for a tricycle.



Grandfather asked, "Jimmy, can your weewee reach all the way to your butthole?"



"Well, no Grandpa, it can't", Jimmy replied sheepishly.



Grandpa said to come back and talk when it could.<...

True Story. So my grandpa, my father and I were out on a car ride to the beach when I was 11.

I always loved riding with my grandpa because he told all of his war stories from serving in WWII, and as a kid they were always cool to hear.

We stopped at a stop sign, and a car with 3 asian kids pulled up behind us ( maybe 18/19 year olds) and immediately started blaring the horn. My gran...

Unfortunately my grandpa died yesterday of Parkinson's

He left us a note on his phone, unfortunately we haven't been able to crack it yet. It said 999911111111111.

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?

Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

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Kid asks his Grandpa about Slavery

A kid goes to his grandpa and asks him about slavery

Kid: Grandpa does slavery still exist today?

Grandpa: Slavery exists all over the world on almost every continent in the world.

Kid: I know in North America that black people used to be enslaved but theres no way that the acqu...

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I told my grandpa before he bit the dust.....

Grandpa, that's dirty!

A boy, his dad, and his grandpa all browse r/jokes and laugh too hard and pee their pants...

Guess you could say it runs in their jeans!

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My girlfriend's birthday is the same day as my grandpa's. So now i don't know to which party I should go.

On the one hand, it is the person to whom I lost my virginity. But, on the other, I believe I should also go to my girlfriend's birthday.

Grandpa notices a full cup of coffee being cold on the table at a family party, asks "who didn't drink that coffee?"

Everyone starts looking around with question marks in their eyes, I couldn't help myself...
"Everyone didn't drink the coffee"

My grandpa said I relied too much on technology.

So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Shout-out to my Grandpa!

Cus thats the only way he can hear.

My grandpa just told me this joke.

Grandma keeps beating off the Indians, but they just keep coming and coming!

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Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa. There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."

Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and s...

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My grandpa must be really into sex tourism

He keeps going on and on about "youth in Asia."

My grandpa is 95 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

Grandma and Grandpa are trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, has died.

“You know,” Grandma said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.” Susie stops crying and asks, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

My grandpa has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the Cincinnati Zoo

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Grandpa feels like a horse!

A Grandpa is talking with his grandson.

Grandpa: I'm tell you boy, since I take these vitamins, I feel like a HORSE!

Grandson: Oh yeah Grandpa, you and Grandma are "getting busy"?

Grandpa: No, but I can walk and poop at the same time...

A little boy’s grandpa had surgery...

And it went well.

The doctor told everyone in the waiting room that it was a successful operation. 30 minutes later the grandpa is up and at em meeting with his family.

While they’re there the doc was telling the standard recovery for the procedure.

Doc: “First of all the anesth...

An electrical engineer is at his grandpa's funeral

His parents never told him how his grandpa had passed, so he walks around the funeral party asking for clues.
"He was at the gym" said one friend, but grandpa had a strong body and heart thought the grandson.
"It was in the bathroom," said a cousin quietly, but he would say no more.
"It was...

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My grandpa was complaining about how participation trophies reward losing

So I asked him why he proudly displayed a Confederate Flag

Asked my grandpa if he watched Austria Hungary football match

he asked me who played against

A kid asks his grandpa...

“When was the last time you had amnesia?”

He says back “I don’t remember”

Son: But moooom, i don't wanna see grandpa.

Mom: Shut up son and keep on digging!

My grandpa used to say that what women want is security, and I have to admit he was right.

That’s what they yell for when I start talking to them.

The other day, we took my Grandpa to one of those spas where the fish eat your dead flesh.

It's a lot cheaper than cremation.

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A kid walks up to his grandpa and asks him for a cigarette

The grandpa asks, Can your dick touch your asshole? Kid says no so grandpa tells him to ask again when it can.

Later the kid asks his grandpa for a beer and his grandpa asks again if his dick can touch his asshole, again kid says no and grandpa tells him to come back when it can.

Later...

My grandpa (age 92) told me this joke.

"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning... And I have oatmeal every morning."

My grandpa said he was built upside down

He said his nose runs and his feet smell.

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

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My great grandpa was killed in a Nazi camp during WWII.

He was thrown off of his guard tower during a riot break out.

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...
submitted 3 years ago by wtfmynamegotdeleted

...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let ...

After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails.

She’s hidden his teeth.

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My Grandpa recently had to start using Viagra

Grandma took it pretty hard

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”

Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”

Grandson: “Austria-Hungary”

Grandpa: “Against who?”

The 15 year old Goldfish I won at a Carnival, died the same day my Grandpa did 15 years ago today.

The Goldfish wasn't as easy to drown in a bowl of food.

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My grandpa always used to say a good joke was like pussy.

The cleaner the better

I asked my grandpa..

I asked my grandpa: “After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m scared to ask her.”

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I was watching porn on the computer, when my grandpa suddenly walked in.

Weird way to finally find out what he did for a living.

You know if my grandpa fought harder

All these jokes would be in German.

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

My grandpa always said that if you kill a killer, the amount in the world stays the same...

That's why I killed 2

Wow I'm shocked for the first time my grandpa voted Democrat!

He never would have done that when he was alive!

I would appreciate it if we stopped posting Holocaust Jokes. They're not funny, witty, or humorous. My Grandpa died in the Holocaust

He fell off the Guard Tower

A grandpa was telling his grandchildren a story..

.. How he worked the night shift as a doorman at a hotel when he was young.

-There i was, just standing there, minding my own business when i saw two Germans coming. Children, i shat my pants so hard..

One of the grandchildren asks:
-But, grandpa, they were just Germans?

The ...

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Sex is like a chess game

1. The more you practice the better you play.
2. You need to watch your partner's every move.
3. The first game was with grandpa.

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“You just awoke.” Grandpa asks, “Why so blue?”

I reply “It appears I sent a drunk text to five of my exes last night before I slept.”

“I know how you feel.” He goes, “I had the same sadness whenever I did that before I met your granny.”

“You texted?” I ask.

“No,” he says, “Sometimes I’d wake up Sunday morning, open the drawe...

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

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My grandpa is still mad at the Japanese for Pearl Harbor.

I had to explain to him that it was the Americans who made that movie.

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