My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

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My whole family is struggling as we just discovered Grandpa is addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than Grandma though.

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa.

Because tomorrow he turns 81! Happy early bday grandpa!

Grandpa's Scariest day

A man was celebrating his 100th birthday with his grandchildren, when one of them asks him about the time he was most scared in his life.

"Well Timmy, it'll have to be back in 1943 when I was on Safari in Africa"

"What happenned Gramps?"

"Well, I was with my best friend John on...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

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I will never forget my grandpa's last words.

Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!

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Grandpa and Grandson are on the porch (Long)

Grandpa and grandson are on the porch. The grandpa is smoking a cigar. The grandson asks “ Grandpa, can I have a puff of your cigar?”

Grandpa replies “Well does your dick touch your asshole?”

The grandson is confused but replies “No.”

“Well then you can’t have a puff!”

...

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A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.

The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" The Grandpa replied, "Does your dick touch your asshole?” The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not old enough to have a beer."

A little later the grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I ...

My grandpa's so cheap...

When he dies, he'll probably walk towards the light - and turn it off.

My grandpa's favorite joke

Two guys are driving from Kansas to Maine and they drive by a sign for Worcester, MA. They both look at eachother and say, 'how the hell do you pronounce that?" The driver says "War-chester", the passanger says, "Nah, its gotta be "wir-ster". They argue a bit and decide that the only way to know for...

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he asked.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sit...

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A Grandpa and his Grandson go for ice cream.

The grandpa takes him to a special ice cream store and says:


"Here, this is a pussy flavored ice cream cone."


The grandson takes a couple licks.


"Grandpa, this tastes like shit."


"Son, you're taking too big a licks."

I just found out my Grandpa, a lifelong Republican is going to vote Democratic this fall.

This would never happen if he were still alive.

My grandpa has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban at the zoo.

My grandpa died because we did not know his blood type

I will never forget his last words ...

“Be positive”

I took a drive with my grandpa today

When we got back, he said: OP, you’re a natural at driving.

I told him: Yup. I was born behind the wheel.

My mom couldn’t make it to the hospital in time.

One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm

Grandpa said, "Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its hole."

The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worn all over and as it gets stiff he stuffs it down into the hole. Grandpa gives the boy $1...

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

...

My friends Grandpa told us this when we were about 14, What did the one leg say to the other leg?

Check out Shorty he's growing a beard!

Grandpa was right...

"...when he told me not to go to the strip club, because there I'd be confronted with things I didn't want to see."

"Why, what did you see there?"

"My grandpa."

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Little Timmy was hanging with his 90 years old Grandpa

**Timmy :** Grandpa, What are you reading .. ???

**Grandpa** : History, My son.

**Timmy** : Why are you lying grandpa, you are reading an Erotica of sex positions.

**Grandpa** : Isn't that history for me motherfucker ?

A guy decides to visit his grandpa and asks him about his past

Guy: So, how did you lose both your legs?

Grandpa: Well, son, you know that when I was young, I was a great hunter. There was a time in which I was looking for the biggest bear in America, God bless America.
I found a small cave and with a white light inside, so I entered, but I found a s...

My grandpa would always tell me girls have two knees but guys have three

You have your left knee, right knee, and your WEEknee

(Old Joke) I hope when I die, its just like my grandpa while he was sleeping

And not like the passengers in his car.

My grandpa told me this one

Where do pirates get there hooks from...

The second hand store

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One of my grandpa’s favorite jokes

Back in the 1950s, traveling salesmen would come to rural areas and get some good customers out of it. One of these was Jack. He’s traveling on a dirt road when all of a sudden his tire pops.

He gets out of the car and realizes that he doesn’t have a spare. “Ah, shit!” he exclaims, mad that t...

I want to die just like my grandpa, deep in my sleep

Unlike passengers in his car screaming and crying.

Grandpa passed away

Mom decided to break it gently to her 5 year old daughter.

Mom: Honey, grandpa has passed away and went to a happy place, just like what happened to your goldfish.

Granddaughter: Oh, so are we going to flush him down the toilet?

My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts

They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing

Shoutout to my grandpa.

That’s the only way he can hear you.

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My grandpa is turning a 100 years old tomorrow.

When we asked want he wanted for his birthday, he grunted, “laxatives.”

I guess he is getting too old for that shit.

I read r/Jokes to my grandpa every day, and he loves all the new jokes…

He forgets every joke by the time they’re reposted.

I was told to keep quiet at my grandpa's funeral .

I guess they didn't want me to startle grandpa to death.

My grandpa told me he got to see the Titanic and that from the very beginning he told them not to get onboard because he knew it was going to sink.

But no one listened and he repeatedly told them until the minute he got kicked out of the movie theater.

A joke my grandpa told a lot.

Man 1: My dog drank some gasoline.

Man 2: What happened?

Man 1: He ran around like crazy for an hour then fell over.

Man 2: Did he die?

Man 1: No he ran out of gas.

A Hunting Joke My Grandpa told me

So a man and a woman get married, the man tells the woman that he's an avid deer hunter. The woman says "okay, thats fine." Then they get married.

After a couple years of the man going out hunting the woman says "I want to go with you. It's a great bonding experience." The man agrees and they...

A classic by my grandpa.

It was funnier because he spoke broken English and cracked himself up every time.

Two Czechoslovakian friends were visiting the zoo. One leaned over the edge of the polar bear pit and fell in. He was quickly gobbled up. The zoo keeper came over mortified and asked the crowd what happened. On...

My grandpa was an artist. He had an amazing stroke.

That's how he died.

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During his surgery, my grandpa kept waking up, grabbing the nurse's boobs, laughing, then flatlining until they restarted his heart again.

He's pretty touch and go right now...

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My grandpa used to say "When one door closes, another opens".

Great man, but his car was a pile of shit.

My Grandpa died last week,because we couldn’t figure out what was his blood type.

But he was strong man,who never gave up and he kept telling us to be positive till the last moment.

My grandpa told me this joke and thought it was pretty funny.

What do you call a cow with a burka?
A mooslim

I asked my grandpa why he put on his glasses to go get our dinner.

He said he was going to a contact-less drive thru.

What's the difference between a teeter totter on a ranch and a donkey's grandpa?

One's a yee haw seesaw and the other is a hee haw peepaw.

What did the grandpa say to his grandson right before he kicked the bucket?

“Hey do you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?”

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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I shat myself."

I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have shat myself too if that happened...

Grandpa is no longer with us.

Grandpa: Your generation relies too much on technology.
Me: No YOUR generation relies too much on technology.
Me: \*Unplugs life support\*
Grandpa:

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about i...

Turning grandpas ashes into fireworks

Call it going out with a bang.

"Grandpa, what are you and Grandma going to do tonight for your anniversary?"

Well, there we're getting into kind of a grey area....

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Knock, knock. Who's there? Grandpa.

Shit, stop the funeral!!

“Grandpa,tell me a bedtime story.”

“Have you ever heard of the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise?”

My grandpa and Eminem rapping have 1 thing in common

They don't breathe

Goodbye Grandpa

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, t...

Charles visits his grandpa...

On the first morning of the visit, Charle’s grandpa prepares a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Charles notices a weird substance on his plate and asks, “Grandpa, are you sure these plates are clean?”

grandpa replies, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them, just eat your breakfast.”

...

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.

My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”

That spoke volumes.

My grandpa has an addiction to Mexican beer

Now he doesn’t have a liver

A joke my grandpa told me

I was in the army a few years ago i was walking by the medical tent when this guy said he got hi toes blown off by a mine and asked if i wanted to see them i agreed. He took off his boot and i puked everywhere he said what's wrong boy you lack toes intolerant

Excited grandkids: “Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a noise like a frog?!”

Grandpa: “I guess so, let me try.

*Ribbet, ribbet.*

How was that, was it good enough for you?”

Excited Grandkids: “Hooray! Let’s go tell Dad!”

Grandpa: “What’s the big deal?”

Excited Grandkids: “Dad’s been saying ‘As soon as that old fart croaks we’re all ...

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

We call my Grandpa Spiderman.

Not cause he has super powers, he just has a hard time getting out of the bath tub.

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I love my grandpa

He always says wise thing like "if you can't beat em join em" but ever since the accident where he lost both his arms, he's been a real dick.

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Fritz and his grandpa Hans sit atop a hill overlooking their cozy little village.

Hans points at one of the houses and says "See that house over there? I built that. But do the people of our village call me 'Hans the house builder'? No."

Then he points at a bridge crossing a small stream and says "And see that bridge over there? I built that as well. But do the people of o...

Grandpa, where did you go to get food when you were young?

Well son, I could go to a grocery store with a dollar and come out with a bag of chips and two chocolate bars. But now they have those pesky cameras.

The little boy said "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog"?

"What for?" said the old man. "Because Grandma said when you croak we are going to Disneyland."

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Grandma and Grandpa were staying over at their kids house.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I ...

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

Difference between a wife and a girlfriend

A grandson asked his grandpa one question while on the way back from school.

Grandson: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

Grandpa thought for a minute and simplified the explanation like this:

Grandpa: Listen young one, a wife is like a TV and a girlfriend i...

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Grandpa was down on his luck so his grandsons (in their mid-20's by now) Wanted to do something to cheer him up.

The youngest of the 3 said he knew of a brothel that would be perfect and every Monday they have a thing they call "Super Sex" and not getting into to much detail but it would knock the socks off the old coot. So the youngest drops Grandpa off and tells him to go to the door and drives away. She an...

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It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a ...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker look...

My grandpa was a WW2 veteran. He destroyed four planes and killed twelve men in one day.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had.

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A boy and his grandpa

One day a boy’s grandpa was watching TV and drinking a beer.

He sat down and asked if he could have some of the beer.

“Is your wiener long enough to touch your butthole?”
“Nope.”

“Then you’re too young to share my beer,” his grandpa chuckled

A couple of weeks later...

Grandpa told me this

Guy lost his finger in a work accident

His wife was telling her friend about it

The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"

The wife replied "no, the one next to it"

My anti-vaxxer and conspiracy theorist grandpa thinks that Corona is responsible the Coronavirus.

And he wants me to make Corona send an apology and compensation to all Americans.

Since he is also against emails and online communication, he has been telling me to make “Corona wire us”.

I still remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket.

He said, “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

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Visiting Grandpa

I visited my Grandpa at the nursing home today, and I checked on what medication he's on. To my horror and confusion, I found he is on one dose of viagra nightly, so I confronted the nurse.
"Why the hell are you giving an 85 year old man viagra?"
The nurse says "It stops him rolling out of the...

There was once a hillbilly in first grade

His teacher once asked him:

"Do you know what the chicken gives us?"

"Eggs" he answered

"Correct, anything else?"

"More eggs"

"Beside the eggs, what does the chicken give us?"

"Even more eggs, ma'am"

"I'll give you a hint - it's something fluffy"
<...

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Grandpa takes grandson to a picnic

They sit down under a tree and grandpa pulls out a cigarette

Grandson asks "can I have a cigarette? "
Grandpa answers " can your dick reach your asshole?"
Grandson "no"
Grandpa " then you're not old enough to smoke"

Few minutes later grandpa pulls out a beer

Grandson "c...

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

Find yourself a woman who holds you as tight as Nancy Pelosi holds her impeachment articles

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Grandpa and Grandson go fishing

Grampa decides to take his grandson fishing. They put the boat in the water. Row the boat out a little ways. Grandson casts his line and then once grandpa gets the anchor in he casts his line leans back and opens a beer. This is their conversation.

"GrandPa"
"Yes Grandson"
"Can I h...

One day a boy was playing in the garden of his house and his grandfather approached him:

Hey, what are you doing? Asked the grandfather.

The boy replied: I'm playing with putting worms back on the ground, Grandpa.

The amazed grandfather asked: but how do you put the worms back? they are all soft ...

It's a secret, but if you give me $ 10 I can tell you.

The g...

What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

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I perfectly remember my grandpa lasts words..

" Shit, a Truck!"

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

When I started going bald, my grandpa gave me his antique toupee weaver.

It's an heirloom hair loom.

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

(OC) A buddy and I flew up to Alaska to do some ice fishing.

Neither of us had ever been and we were both pretty excited, but when we got there my friend was just too freaked out about falling through the ice and freezing to death to go. Well, I was still super stoked so I ended up calling a local tourist company and I hired a couple of locals to take me out...

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John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country.

On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lu...

A man is walking by his son's room, when he hears him praying...

and he decides to poke his head in the door to see what he is saying.

"Dear God, I love Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa."

The father thought this was strange, but didn't pay much mind to it, as his young son was just expressing his feelings.

The next day the man comes...

My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.

We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

Grandma and Grandpa are trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, has died.

“You know,” Grandma said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.” Susie stops crying and asks, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

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I wanna see if this Serbian joke can withstand translation

A grandson went fishing with his grandpa and as they sat next to the river the grandpa opened a beer.

The grandson asked for one and the grandpa said: "Can you touch your anus with your dick?"
The grandson said no and the grandpa said no beer for you.

A couple of months pass and the...

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Grandpa goes to the medical store

An old grandpa goes to a medical store/chemist and druggist and asks the boy at the counter for 5mg Viagra.

The counter boy says, "_Pops, at your age it would take 50mg of dosage to get your thing up to functioning hardness_."

Grandpa replied, "_Oh no son, I don't need to perform in be...

My grandpa always told me that if I do what I love I'll never work a day in my life. Sound advice and very accurate!

I love drugs

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.


Joe ...

A christian father puts his daughter to sleep

But before sleep, she must pray.

At the end of the prayer, she says:
"And please god, bless my father, my mother, and goodbye to grandpa".

"Why goodbye to grandpa?" the father asks.

"I Don't know" the girl responds, and goes to sleep with a smile on her face.

The day a...

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

A little Boy and his Grandpa are walking in the Garden...

A little boy and his grandpa are walking in the garden when the boy sees a worm on the lawn. ‘Grandpa,' he says, I bet you $5 I can stick that worm back down its hole.' ‘That's impossible,’ replies Grandpa. It’s too soft and wiggly to push back in the ground.' The little boy runs inside, gets a can ...

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My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.

Grandma's taking it pretty hard.

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One day, a father and his daughther are together.

One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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A silly joke my grandpa used to tell me

A man is walking down a roadside when he sees a street vendor selling umbrellas. One of them catches his eye, so he walks over, points at the umbrella and asks, "How much for this one?"

"$20," the vendor says.

The man knew that an umbrella being sold on the street would barely last in ...

Little Timmy went into his grandparent's bedroom.

He found his grandpa and grandma half-naked, fooling around in bed.

He asked his grandpa what they are doing.

Grandpa said: "Your grandma is my wild card"

Little Timmy left the room confused, so he entered his parent's bedroom and found mommy and daddy half-naked, fooling around...

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A grandfather takes his grandson camping

They set up the tent and a fire and then his grandfather pulls out a beer.

The kid asks “hey grandpa can I try some of that?”

Grandpa says “can your dick touch your ass?”

Kid says “no”

Grandpa says “well you ain’t gettin none”

Grandpa pulls out a cigar and starts p...

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A Child walks in on his parents...

He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"

The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"

1 week later He walks in on his grandparents

He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"

The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"
<...

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My grandpa: Killed a bunch of Nazis and saved his battalion in WW2.

Me: Sits around making up stories about my grandpa.

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-

Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

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What is Democracy

Lil John asks his dad "What is democracy?".

Dad: "Imagine our home is like a country. I bring money so I am like capitalism. Your mother orders everyone around so she is like government. Grandpa... Grandpa is like work unions. Our housemaid is working group. We do it all for you so you are th...

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

So my grandpas doc came into the room yesterday and he says to me he says

“Can you sing a song for me” and I say “sure doc” and so I sing my absolute favorite Billie Eilish song and he goes, “you’re just like your grandpas heart rate,” breaks into tears and goes, “A little flat” (read in your best gangster voice)

“Son, I found a condom in your room.” “Gee thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

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