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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

I will never forget my grandpas last words.

"Stop shaking the ladder you piece of ****"

Shoutout to my Grandpa

Cause that's the only way he can hear

My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”

That spoke volumes.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.

I still remember what my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket..

He said “hey, wanna see how far i can kick this bucket?”

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A boy and his grandpa

One day a boy’s grandpa was watching TV and drinking a beer.

He sat down and asked if he could have some of the beer.

“Is your wiener long enough to touch your butthole?”
“Nope.”

“Then you’re too young to share my beer,” his grandpa chuckled

A couple of weeks later...

I was in the garden when my 5 year old granddaughter came up to me holding a water pail. She smiled real big and said, “This is for you Grandpa!” I said, “Thanks but what do you want me to do with it sweetie?”

She replied, “Dad said if you kick the bucket we’ll be rich!!”

I killed my grandpa by switching off his life support

Gotta admit it was quite breathtaking

Grandpa and Grandma are sitting on a bench in the park

they hear the jingle of the icecream salesman.

Grandma says : "I'd like some vanilla icecream."

Grandpa says: "Good idea, I'd also like some chocolate icecream".

Grandma stands up and says: "I'll go get some."

"You should write it, Grandma, you know your memory is not wha...

A little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Grampa, make a noise like a frog." Grampa asks, "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?"

The little girl responds, "Cause Daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

Grandpa told me this

Guy lost his finger in a work accident

His wife was telling her friend about it

The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"

The wife replied "no, the one next to it"

My grandpa was there when the titanic sunk. He kept on yelling that it was going to sink.

They had to kick him out the movie theater.

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A silly joke my grandpa used to tell me

A man is walking down a roadside when he sees a street vendor selling umbrellas. One of them catches his eye, so he walks over, points at the umbrella and asks, "How much for this one?"

"$20," the vendor says.

The man knew that an umbrella being sold on the street would barely last in ...

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My grandpa: Killed a bunch of Nazis and saved his battalion in WW2.

Me: Sits around making up stories about my grandpa.

From my late Polish grandpa

A man moved to a Polish neighborhood in Chicago, and fell in love with the community because everyone was so nice, happy and good looking.

Upon his next doctor’s visit, he asked, “Doctor, how do I become Polish? Everyone is so nice, happy and good looking.”

“Easy!” his doctor responde...

My grandpa always said "As one door closes another opens."

He was a great man but a terrible cabinet maker.

My grandpa just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: My hip replacement.

if my grandpa were alive right now he'd say

"let me out of this box"

My grandpa told me to not be so reliant on technology

So I unplugged his life support

My grandpa told me

He saw the Titanic.

At that time he constantly warned people the ship is going to sink, but no one would even give him the time of day.

My grandpa is the man. He wasn't going to roll over.

He kept warning over and over

until...

he was kicked out of the theatre.

I asked my Grandpa for twenty dollars

"Twenty dollars? What for?"

I told him I needed Groceries.

Grandpa said " When I was a boy my mom would give me one dollar. I would ride my bike to the grocers and come back with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, two sacks of potatos, a jug of milk, a tin of coffee, and two loaves of bre...

"Mommy, Mommy, can I play with grandpa again tomorrow?"

"Sorry, dear, after one week it's high time we close the coffin."

I asked my grandpa if he was absolutely SURE that he lost his hearing while he was in Rome. He said yes...

"deaf in Italy".

My grandpa died because of a poisonous snake.

He really shouldn't have bit that snake.

My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.

We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died

But now he’s lawn gone

When I was a kid my grandpa asked me when we drove past a cemetery “do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?”, of course i said nope. Then he said

All of them!

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

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My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

I was helping my grandpa fold some laundry yesterday and noticed something odd. On one shirt he had a silloutte of Sherlock Holmes, on another a picture of Harry Potter, on a third was printed an image of Frankenstein, and on a fourth, a girl who appeared to be Anne of Green Gables.

I asked my grandpa, "Are all these graphic shirts really yours?"

"Yes they are, " my grandpa replied sheepishly "I just can't resist buying novel tees."

My grandpa survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings.

Being in Australia helped.

I hate how people meaninglessly joke about 9/11, my grandpa died then.

He was such a great pilot.

My stuttering grandpa died in prison today...

He couldn't finish his sentence

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

Grandma and grandpa lived in a one room house with their kids so had little "private time".

Grandma said if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my breast once. If you don't want to make love squeeze it twice. Grandpa said OK if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my privates once. If you don't want to make love squee...

My grandpa

Was a lucky man. He died in his sleep.

Unfortunately the passengers in his car at the time were not not so lucky, and died screaming and yelling

My grandpa used to take me ice fishing

We never got to spend too much time together, so it meant a lot to me to spend time with him. He was really getting on in age - his teeth were gone and he usually mumbled unless he was frustrated. You could understand him if he yelled, but that was rare since he was such a gentle soul. His mind w...

One day, grandpa is taking care of his grandson...

Sitting on the porch, he's watching him picking up worms and trying to put them back in their holes on the dirt.

-That won't work, son. They're too soft and too slimy to be inserted like that.

-Wanna bet, grandpa?

-I'm telling you, it won't work.

-How about $10?

Se...

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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

My grandpa claims that his was the first profession to go all digital.

He’s a proctologist.

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"Mom, how old was grandpa when he died?"

"Shut up and keep eating, he won't become more tender from your bitching."

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My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.

Grandma's taking it pretty hard.

Kid: "Are you wearing underwear, Grandpa?"

Grandpa: "Depends kid, who's asking?"

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So grandpa, you're 101. What's your secret?

"One time I sucked a cock for a cigarette."

I meant secret for your longevity.

"Oh! Fruits and vegetables."

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Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," sa...

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Today I found out Hitler was my great great grandpa.

I did Nazi that coming.

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I walked on my grandma sucking my grandpa's dick

Which surprised me because I thought they buried it with him.

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

The joke my great-grandpa told me about 15 years ago

A man kisses his wife goodnight and goes to sleep one day. After he wakes up, he notices an old man in white robes lying next to him instead of his wife.
- Who are you and why are you in my bed?! - he asks.
- This is not your bedroom. I am St Peter and you're in Heaven.
- What?! I'm d...

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A grandson and his grandfather go fishing when the grandson asks his grandpa for a beer....

“Well can your pecker touch your butt?” The boy confused replies, “uhm no it can’t grandpa”. He looks at him and says “sorry kid not today then”. Some time passes and now the kid has grown into a man and decides to take his grandpa out fishing again. His grandpa opens up a beer and starts fishing wh...

My Grandpa told me this joke.

What does 'r' stands for in r/jokes?

Repost.

My Grandpa died in 1999.

Little Timmy goes up to Grandpa O’Malley and says...

“Can I have 5 bucks for a guinea pig?”
Grandpa O’Malley says “here’s 10 bucks, go get yourself a nice Irish girl instead.

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A Grandpa and Grandson go fishing

Grandpa and Grandson go out together for a day’s fishing. At lunchtime, the man opens a can of beer.

“Can I have some, Grandpa?” asks the boy.

“I tell you what, son,” replies Grandpa. “Can your willy touch your backside?”

“No, Grandpa.”

“Then you can’t have any beer.”
...

My family couldn't agree on whether to get grandpa buried or cremated...

...so in the end we just let him live.

A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.

A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."

The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."

"By eating chocolates?" The man asked.

"No, by minding his own business." He replied.

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A Boy and his Grandpa were out on the Patio...

The boy asks, “Grandpa, can I try your beer?”
The grandpa replies, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”
The boy replies with, “No.”
“Well then, there’s your answer!”

A few weeks later the boy and his grandpa are out on the patio again, grandpa with his beer in hand.
“Hey grandpa,...

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Darren’s Grandpa Died....

Darren asks his grandma, “Grandma, how did grandpa die?”

G: Your grandpa had a heart attack when we were having sex

D: But grandma, you shouldn’t be making out at that age!

G: We would fuck each other to the rhyme of the church. One ‘Bong’ is in, one ‘Bong’ is out. It would go s...

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

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Granddaughter: How old are you grandpa?

Grandfather: 98 sweet child.
Granddaughter: what is your secret?
Grandfather: I sucked cock once to one Italian guy.
Granddaughter: Not that grandpa, I meant for your long life.
Grandfather: Ooooh that, a lot of green salat, fruits and good wine!

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Grandpa, Can I Have a Tricycle?

A very young James went to his grandfather and asked for a tricycle.



Grandfather asked, "Jimmy, can your weewee reach all the way to your butthole?"



"Well, no Grandpa, it can't", Jimmy replied sheepishly.



Grandpa said to come back and talk when it could.<...

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A grandpa is eating cake on the couch..

A grandpa is eating cake on the couch and his grandson asks if he can have some.
The grandpa says "can your penis touch your butthole?" The grandson says no. The grandpa says okay there's your answer.
The next day grandpa was eating ice cream at the table and the grand son asks if he can have...

Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard.

Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.

My grandpa’s last wish is that we should convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson

Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson to his bed, "Billy, I leave for you my chrome-plated .38 revolver."

"But Grandpa, I don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?"

"Billy, listen to your old man. Someday you have to run my business. Someday you're gonn...

Saw another post on here about their recently passed away grandpa so here’s mine

Two men are fishing one day and they both decide to take a leak. So they go over to the dock and drain the snake. In the middle, one man says to the other, trying to brag about the size of his genetalia, “hey it’s pretty cold in the water”. The other man replies without missing a beat, “Yeah, it’s p...

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-

Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

“Son, I found a condom in your room.” “Gee thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

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So my grandpa was out in the porch having a smoke [long]

Me: can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can your dick touch your asshole?

Me: uh, no

Gramps: well then you’re not a man, the answer is no

(Later that day while Gramps is having a beer)

Me: hey can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can ...

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?

Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

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A young boy is out fishing with his Grandpa (NSFW)

As they are sitting together, the Grandpa pulls out a cigar from his coat pocket. The boy, around 12 years old, looks over at his Grandpa with a curious gaze. The grandpa then takes out a lighter and ignites the cigar.

"Grandpa" he says, "Do you think you could let me try that?"

The Gr...

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and ...

When my grandpa was on his last legs, he said ' you selfish boy...'

and to honour his memory, I became a fishmonger.

originally from the one and only Milton jones

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A grandpa sits down with his granchild

Grandpa: look at The Windows in this house i haveMade All of them but do they call me Joe the window maker, nooooo they don’t do that. Look at the paintings in this house i have Made All of them , but do they call me Joe the painter, nooo they don’t do that. But you fuck one pig.

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My girlfriend's birthday is the same day as my grandpa's. So now i don't know to which party I should go.

On the one hand, it is the person to whom I lost my virginity. But, on the other, I believe I should also go to my girlfriend's birthday.

When I die I want to go out like my grandpa

He just fell asleep and never woke up-unlike the people riding his bus

True Story. So my grandpa, my father and I were out on a car ride to the beach when I was 11.

I always loved riding with my grandpa because he told all of his war stories from serving in WWII, and as a kid they were always cool to hear.

We stopped at a stop sign, and a car with 3 asian kids pulled up behind us ( maybe 18/19 year olds) and immediately started blaring the horn. My gran...

My grandpa (age 92) told me this joke.

"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning... And I have oatmeal every morning."

A boy, his dad, and his grandpa all browse r/jokes and laugh too hard and pee their pants...

Guess you could say it runs in their jeans!

My grandpa is 95 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

I told my grandpa before he bit the dust.....

Grandpa, that's dirty!

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”

Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”

Grandson: “Austria-Hungary”

Grandpa: “Against who?”

Unfortunately my grandpa died yesterday of Parkinson's

He left us a note on his phone, unfortunately we haven't been able to crack it yet. It said 999911111111111.

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Kid asks his Grandpa about Slavery

A kid goes to his grandpa and asks him about slavery

Kid: Grandpa does slavery still exist today?

Grandpa: Slavery exists all over the world on almost every continent in the world.

Kid: I know in North America that black people used to be enslaved but theres no way that the acqu...

Grandpa's Father's Day quip

Out at breakfast with my fiance's grandparents yesterday morning when I priest comes in. Her grandfather is almost 90.

Grandpa, (knowing I was raised Catholic) says, "So you gonna wish him a Happy Father's Day too?"

Why do bears have a fur coat

Because they would look silly in a sweater (I got that from my grandpa)

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

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Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa. There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."

Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and s...

Son: But moooom, i don't wanna see grandpa.

Mom: Shut up son and keep on digging!

The other day, we took my Grandpa to one of those spas where the fish eat your dead flesh.

It's a lot cheaper than cremation.

My grandpa said he was built upside down

He said his nose runs and his feet smell.

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My Grandpa recently had to start using Viagra

Grandma took it pretty hard

Grandpa notices a full cup of coffee being cold on the table at a family party, asks "who didn't drink that coffee?"

Everyone starts looking around with question marks in their eyes, I couldn't help myself...
"Everyone didn't drink the coffee"

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My grandpa was complaining about how participation trophies reward losing

So I asked him why he proudly displayed a Confederate Flag

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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.

Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some...

My grandpa just told me this joke.

Grandma keeps beating off the Indians, but they just keep coming and coming!

A little boy’s grandpa had surgery...

And it went well.

The doctor told everyone in the waiting room that it was a successful operation. 30 minutes later the grandpa is up and at em meeting with his family.

While they’re there the doc was telling the standard recovery for the procedure.

Doc: “First of all the anesth...

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My grandpa must be really into sex tourism

He keeps going on and on about "youth in Asia."

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

The soldier.

Little Johnny became a soldier. He got a big knife, an AR 15 and a few hand grenades. He felt pretty good as he had also gotten pretty strong so he decided to go show off to his grandpa.

He gets there and sees his grandpa so he goes:

-Hi grandpa. Look at me, I became a soldier!
...

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

He asks her - why did you say that?

I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtim...

I asked my grandpa..

I asked my grandpa: “After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m scared to ask her.”

There was a family and a family friend eating dinner.

There was a mom, a dad, a little girl, and the family friend, Brian. The little girl greeted the family friend, “Hi grandpa Brian!” The mom and dad looked at the little girl, obviously confused. The dad said “Brian isn’t your Grandpa, love.” The little girl looked at the father and asked “What makes...

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

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A kid walks up to his grandpa and asks him for a cigarette

The grandpa asks, Can your dick touch your asshole? Kid says no so grandpa tells him to ask again when it can.

Later the kid asks his grandpa for a beer and his grandpa asks again if his dick can touch his asshole, again kid says no and grandpa tells him to come back when it can.

Later...

Grandma and Grandpa are trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, has died.

“You know,” Grandma said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.” Susie stops crying and asks, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

Asked my grandpa if he watched Austria Hungary football match

he asked me who played against

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny NSFW

Little Johnny is sitting around at grandpa's house and notices his grandfather smoking a cigar. Johnny goes over and asks his grandpa "Hey grandpa, can I try a little of that cigar?" His grandfather looks at little Johnny and asks "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny replies "No". Grandpa rep...

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Grandpa feels like a horse!

A Grandpa is talking with his grandson.

Grandpa: I'm tell you boy, since I take these vitamins, I feel like a HORSE!

Grandson: Oh yeah Grandpa, you and Grandma are "getting busy"?

Grandpa: No, but I can walk and poop at the same time...

My grandpa used to say that what women want is security, and I have to admit he was right.

That’s what they yell for when I start talking to them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa always used to say a good joke was like pussy.

The cleaner the better

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I was watching porn on the computer, when my grandpa suddenly walked in.

Weird way to finally find out what he did for a living.

An electrical engineer is at his grandpa's funeral

His parents never told him how his grandpa had passed, so he walks around the funeral party asking for clues.
"He was at the gym" said one friend, but grandpa had a strong body and heart thought the grandson.
"It was in the bathroom," said a cousin quietly, but he would say no more.
"It was...

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My great grandpa was killed in a Nazi camp during WWII.

He was thrown off of his guard tower during a riot break out.

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

A kid asks his grandpa...

“When was the last time you had amnesia?”

He says back “I don’t remember”

You know if my grandpa fought harder

All these jokes would be in German.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good-bye Daddy

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know dad...

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