When I die, I hope it’s peacefully in my sleep, like grandpa

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink…

No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.

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My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

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Though he passed away decades ago, I really think my grandpa would have supported LGBTQ+ marriage in all of its forms.

His motto was "Fuck everyone.".

My grandpa is like this sub

Dead

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

I asked my grandpa, “after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What’s your secret?”

Grandpa, “I forgot her name 5 years ago, I’m too scared to ask her.”

I’m taller than my grandpa

I’m 5.3 ft and he’s -6 ft

What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?

"Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

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I will never forget what my grandpa told me right before he died

"Are you still holding the fucking ladder?"

Little Johnny says to grandpa..

"Grandpa, make a noise like a frog."

Grandpa asks, "why?"

"Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

Little Johnny was staying the vacation at grandpa's.

Little Johnny asked grandpa if he could get him something to drink? Grandpa went to the kitchen to get Johnny some lemonade.
Whe Grandpa got back from the kitchen little Johnny threw a bucket at grandpa's feet. Grandpa lost his temper and shouted "why the hell did you do that you little brat?!"...

A kid got a day off from his class and decided to call his grandpa

Kid: Hey Grandpa, I got a day off from school tomorrow. My teacher said that she is busy tomorrow, and allows us to take a day off. Can you take me to the zoo please?

His Grandpa agreed. As a manager of a company, he called up his secretary and said: "Hey, I will take a day off tomorrow to ta...

You know what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?

"I'm gonna kick that bucket."



And then he tripped and died.

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I found out that grandpa is addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than grandma.

Run Grandpa run!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several...

Joke my grandpa told me.

So a guy walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for three shots. The bar tender asks why 3? The guys says he has 2 brothers. one who lives in England, one who lives in Scotland. He says he has a shot for all 3 of them, so it feels like he’s with the. The bartender give the guy his three shots. The...

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record

It was a Type O.

An old joke my grandpa made

Imagine a married man goes into his attic, and find a genie lamp

A genie pops out and says, “I’ll give you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double”

The man says, “I’ll have a new car”
He gets a new car and the wife gets double

The man says, “I’ll have a mansion”
He gets a mans...

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Goodbye Grandpa

A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't kn...

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A grandpa and his grandson were driving down the road

Grandson: You know grandpa, our president is a real idiot.
Grandpa: You know what they say; takes one to know one.

*Silence*

Grandson: I've been thinking about joining the family business, but uncle Joe is kind of a jerk.
Grandpa: You know what they say; takes one to know one....

Soviet joke my grandpa told me

Brezhnev is showing his mother how well he has done. He shows her his suite in the Kremlin, his country house with a fully stocked kitchen, his Black Sea villa, his limousine. She says: ‘This is all really nice...but what will you do if the Bolsheviks come back?’

I asked my Grandpa. "What were your good old days". He said...

"They were before I was good and before I was old"

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I accidentally took my grandpas viagra thinking it was my anti depressant medication

It’s gunna be a hard day...

I asked my grandpa if he wanted to go camping.

Apparently at his age it's too in-tents...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

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My grandpa likes to boast that his bodily functions are like clockwork

Now he wasn't always like this so he's been taking extra pride in it:

"everyday I go to sleep at 21 o'clock.then at 5:30 a.m. I take a piss.At 5:45 I have a shit,and at 6 a.m. sharp I wake up."

Jokes my grandpa told me when I was a kid.

A man goes duck hunting and spends two days without seeing a duck. On the third day he finally sees one and shoots it. The duck wounded tries to fly away. It lands in a farmer's yard, hits the barn roof, and falls off.
The hunter tries to sneak over the fence. As he gets close to the duck, he se...

Do you want to know my grandpa’s final words before he kicked the bucket?

"Hey, watch me kick this bucket.”

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

I just got a call from my australian grandpa!

A boomer rang.

Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match

Grandpa: who's playing?

Grandson: Czech and Slovakia

Grandpa: against who?

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

Grandpa fell in to paprika once ...

Now he is a seasoned veteran.

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"Can I smoke some of your cigarettes?", little Johnny asked his grandpa.

His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshol...

Today my Grandpa told me he was working on his second million

He said he was too tired, and there was no way he was going to make the first, so he was starting fresh

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa.

Then my mom hid the urn from me.

Grandpa

My grandpa’s last words before he kicked the bucket-

Hey, I’m going to kick this bucket!

Then the bucket hit two guys and they took him out

They had a wonderful time at the movies

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

My great-grandpa died in Auschwitz

He was really drunk and fell off a watchtower

My grandpa is a brave man

My grandpa has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from Chester zoo.

So my grandpa told me a story...

He told me that back in his day, he would walk into the store with a nickel, and come out with 4 cans of soda, 2 king sized candy bars, and a pack of gum.

But today there are too many damn cameras!

A little boy comes running Into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?" The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"

The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"

Punctuations saves lives

Lets eat Grandpa!

Lets eat , Grandpa!

Told my Grandpa’s favorite joke at his funeral and it helped cheer some sad eyes..... What happened when the parsley workers went on strike?

Their wages were garnished.

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In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

Grandpa asked me how to print on his new computer.

I said: "Just control-p."

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn’t alive?

Little Timmy: haha it’s a chair nice try gra-

Grandpa:it’s your dog Timmy he’s dead

I’ll always remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket

“Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace."

"Really? That old chestnut?

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A young boy is visiting his Grandpa for a weekend.

When the young boy arrives he is treated to a great barbeque dinner. Smoked ribs smothered in a homemade southern BBQ sauce, coleslaw, steak fries, and biscuits slathered in butter.

The next morning the boy comes down for a hearty breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, and fried potatoes. Before ...

My grandpa's so cheap...

When he dies, he'll probably walk towards the light - and turn it off.

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A grandson sees his grandpas drinking a beer and asks “grandpa can I have some of that” grandpa replies

“Can your dick touch your ass?”

“Well no not yet” says the grandson

“Ask again when it can” the grandpas says!
Later that day the young boy sees his grandpas smoking a cig
“hey grandpa can I smoke some of that” he asks

The grandpas asks him “can your dick touch your ass y...

I calmly opened the door and said, “Son, I found a condom in your room.” He looked up sheepishly and groaned, “Thanks Grandpa.”

“Why did you call me Grandpa?” I questioned.

He laughed nervously, “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

My grandpa's favorite joke

Two guys are driving from Kansas to Maine and they drive by a sign for Worcester, MA. They both look at eachother and say, 'how the hell do you pronounce that?" The driver says "War-chester", the passanger says, "Nah, its gotta be "wir-ster". They argue a bit and decide that the only way to know for...

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Poor poor William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Ea...

My grandpa loves to listen to music on the radio.

His favorite genre is Hip-pop.

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John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country.

On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lu...

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I think my grandpa was a professional storm chaser.

I found a helmet in his basement with two thunderbolts on the front.

My dad only eats Eggs Benedict at Christmas, and only when we visit Grandma and Grandpa.

He says there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The little boy runs into the house and comes ...

Got this from my grandpa.

What is the similarity between 2 clocks and 2 women?

Ans:
They never agree.

They say the more you drink, the higher is your tolerance.

Not true. My grandpa is an alcoholic, yet extremely racist.

My grandpa used to always say...

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and he stops bothering you to give him more fish”

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he asked.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sit...

My grandpa told me to not go to the brothel down the road

He said I'd see things that I shouldn't see.

And?

Well, I went.

And what did you see?

Grandpa.

My grandma was beaten to death by my grandpa.

Not as in, with like a stick or anything. He just died first.

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Johnny was sent to grandpa’s farm for Summer

Little Johnny was sent to his grandparent’s farm to spend the summer. The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire. “What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny repli...

A curious child asked his father

Child: Daddy why your hairs are getting grey day by day?

Father ( thought for a second and said) : Whenever you do anything that makes me unhappy one of my hair turns grey.

Child: Oh, Know i understand why grandpa's hair is all grey.

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

My grandpa would always tell me girls have two knees but guys have three

You have your left knee, right knee, and your WEEknee

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The dress of love

A young woman is about to get married and wants to make her first night with her husband to be as special as possible. While she is wedding planning with her mother, aunt and grandma she decides to ask them what she should do during the wedding night to get her husband really going. Her mom goes fir...

My friends Grandpa told us this when we were about 14, What did the one leg say to the other leg?

Check out Shorty he's growing a beard!

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Knock knock

-Knock knock

-Who's there?

-Grandpa!

-Oh shit, stop the funeral!

(Gary Delaney joke)

My grandpa isn't very computer savvy

So my Grandpa (72) got on the internet only recently and is still very unsure about how to use it. A month or so ago I taught him how to use email, to his amazement.
I also showed him how web browsing works and showed him how to put questions into Google search.
Yesterday he was planning t...

Before my Grandpa moved, he was the happiest man alive.

Now he lives in Missouri...

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?...

Look grandpa, no hands!!

Dad, can I play with grandpa?

\- "Only if you bury him back once you're done."

My Grandpa seemed distraught after losing his watch at the Nursing Home.

I said, Grandpa, what will you do.......He gave me a wink and said.....I will search every Nook and Granny

My grandpa died because we did not know his blood type

I will never forget his last words ...

“Be positive”

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

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A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.

The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" The Grandpa replied, "Does your dick touch your asshole?” The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not old enough to have a beer."

A little later the grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I ...

I just found out my Grandpa, a lifelong Republican is going to vote Democratic this fall.

This would never happen if he were still alive.

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This guy is driving through Texas.

He sees a farmhouse and knocks on the door. The farmer answers and the guy explains, "I've been on the road for a week and I think I’m lost. I haven’t had a decent meal or a decent night's sleep the whole time. Would it be too much trouble to help me out just for this one night?"

The farmer l...

3 kids were playing duck duck goose..

When all of a sudden one of them screams "Swan!!". The other two kids said "no no no that's not the game it's duck duck goose Not Swan."
The one kid Screams again "No , Swan!!"
Now frustrated the other two kids yelled "You can't play if you're not going to play it right!"
Now running and ...

Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his...

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A Grandpa and his Grandson go for ice cream.

The grandpa takes him to a special ice cream store and says:


"Here, this is a pussy flavored ice cream cone."


The grandson takes a couple licks.


"Grandpa, this tastes like shit."


"Son, you're taking too big a licks."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Even after my grandpa died 4 years ago, I still remember his final words

"STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE CUNT!!! "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.

A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.

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Billy asked his grandpa "is there a word for not knowing if what you're thinking of is a distant, vague memory or a blurry premonition about the future?"

"Yes, Billy, it's called being high."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"

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Little Timmy was hanging with his 90 years old Grandpa

**Timmy :** Grandpa, What are you reading .. ???

**Grandpa** : History, My son.

**Timmy** : Why are you lying grandpa, you are reading an Erotica of sex positions.

**Grandpa** : Isn't that history for me motherfucker ?

My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts

They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about i...

A joke my grandpa told me, hope you like it!

Today is Billy’s 8th birthday. To celebrate, he and his dad went to McDonalds for dinner. When they arrived, they waited in line behind a large, fat man.
Billy, not being knowledgeable about social norms, says to his dad, “Look daddy! That man’s sooooo fat! Look at him!”
Billy’s dad tells him ...

My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I shat myself."

I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have shat myself too if that happened...

Grandpa picked up a spoon and looked at it oddly.

Grandpa picked up a spoon and looked at it oddly, fearing it was a sign of Alzheimer's disease I asked him what he was holding in his hand. He snapped back "Of course I know it's a spoon, but who is that old guy in the reflection? "

My grandpa told me this one

Where do pirates get there hooks from...

The second hand store

My dad once told me that my Ukrainian grandpa sabotaged reactor

I don’t think there was Among Us in 1986

Grandpa: "Right before grandma died, she came-to -- after months in prolonged medically-controlled unconsciousness -- just to add something to a list." Me: "Wow. Did she love lists?"

"No, she was just wanted to finish with an Oxford coma."

A man is listening to his daughter pray one night.

The daughter says, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye grandpa!” The dad asks her, “Why did you say goodbye grandpa?” She replies, “I don’t know, it just felt right.” The next morning the grandpa sadly dies. The man rubs it off as a coincidence and listens to her pray a...

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Grandpa’s take on porn

While visiting his grandparents, a teen walks into the living room and sees that he’s grandpa is watching porn. Slightly shocked the grandson says “Grandpa, what are you doing?” Grandpa not in the least bit startled replies “watching history shows sonny” so the grandson realizing the old man’s mista...

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

One day a little boy was eating a chocolate bar, then suddenly a man approched him and said

"Listen kid, you should not eat chocolates, it'll cause diabetes and you'll die early, the boy replied "yes you're right,! My grandpa lived a long life of 100 years before he passed away".

The man asked, "why? Because he didn't eat any chocolates?"

The kid replied: No he used to mi...

My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”

That spoke volumes.

After turning off the constantly beeping machine, my grandpa finally slept better

No idea why the doctors and nurses were screaming though

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

A guy decides to visit his grandpa and asks him about his past

Guy: So, how did you lose both your legs?

Grandpa: Well, son, you know that when I was young, I was a great hunter. There was a time in which I was looking for the biggest bear in America, God bless America.
I found a small cave and with a white light inside, so I entered, but I found a s...

Grandpa passed away

Mom decided to break it gently to her 5 year old daughter.

Mom: Honey, grandpa has passed away and went to a happy place, just like what happened to your goldfish.

Granddaughter: Oh, so are we going to flush him down the toilet?

Goodbye Grandpa

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, t...

Grandpa's Scariest day

A man was celebrating his 100th birthday with his grandchildren, when one of them asks him about the time he was most scared in his life.

"Well Timmy, it'll have to be back in 1943 when I was on Safari in Africa"

"What happenned Gramps?"

"Well, I was with my best friend John on...

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One of the first steps toward becoming a man...

One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.

"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine s...

Grandpa is no longer with us.

Grandpa: Your generation relies too much on technology.
Me: No YOUR generation relies too much on technology.
Me: \*Unplugs life support\*
Grandpa:

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