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10-years old girl asks her mum: "Mummy, how was i born?"

The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned in...

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The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher re...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

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My 5 yr old son was playing in the garden and sees 2 spiders. He asks me "is that a mommy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?"...

"No son, there is no mommy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer until he stomps on both spiders saying "we'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden anymore"

Remember, because of synonyms, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"...

...and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

I hate when Mommy and Daddy get drunk and start fights.

They are both way bigger than me and there are two of them. It's not fair.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

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My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, "Please help! My daddy is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"

What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?

Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.

Are you concerned about the state of fatherhood in Indiana?

If yes, then hoosier daddy?

"Mommy! Why were you bouncing on daddy's belly last night?"

Little Timmy's mom was taken aback by his question

"Erm.. I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat . Bouncing keeps him skinny"

"That's not going to work!", Timmy replied back

"Why not?"

"Because babysitter Tina keeps blowing him back up again!"

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?

No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

When your sister says daddy pass the salt...

...and you, your dad, her boyfriend, your uncle, and your cousin all grab the salt.

Why do we refer to priests as "father"?

Because it would be too suspicious to call them "daddy".

What did the Daddy Buffalo say when he dropped his son off at school?

Bison

Daddy daddy, what's a tranny?

Ask Mom, he knows!

“Daddy, why are you so fat?”

“Well, honey, being smart, handsome, rich, talented, AND thin just wouldn’t be fair, now would it?”

Daddy's calling . . .

Hello?”

“Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

B...

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. H...

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus

I used to think that song meant Mommy was cheating on Daddy. Now I know it means Mommy and Daddy are just into role play.

Instead of "who's your daddy" I accidentally said "how's your daddy"

and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.

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Mom: I called “daddy” on your phone

Daughter: and?

Mom: your father picked up. You fucking virgin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On my first night in prison, my cellmate asked if I wanted to be the Mummy or the Daddy

Thinking quickly, I said "I'll be the daddy".

"Well, in that case, Daddy's sucking Mummy's dick tonight"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little boy comes running home to tell his mom he just saw daddy with another woman..

“Mummy, mummy, I just saw daddy parked up near the woods and he had that nice woman from the grocery store in the car with him”
 

“Really?? What were they doing?”
 

“Well, at first they were just kissing, then daddy put his hand in her shirt then they both took ...

A little girl asked her dad where babies come from.

Dad: "The daddy plants a seed in the mommy."

Little girl: "Does she swallow the seed?"

Dad: "Only if she wants a new dress."

Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all t...

How do you send a girl with daddy issues over the edge?

Hi coming, I'm dad.

Daddy's be like

Dad: whats your blood group?


Son: B+


Dad: when i was at your age, my blood group was A+

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I started dating an English teacher

Things were going great, but she'd start correcting my grammar during sex.

>Who's the daddy?

>Noo it's 'the daddy's who?'

>Suck it good bitch

>No it's 'suck it well'

The worst part of it all, she gets particularly annoyed at my use of the colon.

Last night my girlfriend called me Daddy NSFW

I hate it when she does that, we’re cousins not father and daughter.

6-year-old daughter: “Daddy, what is 69?”

Me: “It’s just a number dear.”

Daughter: “Lol, no wonder why momma left you.”

Daddy Daddy! There's a man at the door selling ugly faces!

Tell him you already have one son.

After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"

Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.

He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"

A woman walks in confession and says “Daddy, I’ve been reallyyy bad”

The priest replies: “For the last time, it’s Father, for I have sinned”

Mommy, daddy and little lion are having a picnic. As soon as they've taken seat on their blanket, little lion wants to start eating. "Hold on," says daddy lion.

"We first need to prey."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a daddy moth after breeding with a mummy moth

MOTHerfucker

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy says 'Daddy where do babies come from?'

His dad says 'a stork'

The boy says 'but who fucks the stork?'

My daughter asked me, "Daddy, why is your nose in the middle of your face?"

I smirked and replied, "Because it's the scenter."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy asks his mom, “When I grow up will I have two penises like daddy?”

Mom: Daddy doesn’t have two penises son

Son: Sure he does! He has the little one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth!

"Daddy, daddy! Why do I keep running in circles?"

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the ground

Daddy's little swimmer

A class of 8 years old are at the winning pool. All the kids jump in except little Johnny who has Down Syndrom.
Teacher comes to him and asks if he can swim.
"yes I can" he answers
"Are you afraid to go in?"
"No" he answers.
"Go ahead, jump and enjoy then" says the teacher
So littl...

"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."

A little boy's friend tells him:

"If you say to adults 'I know about it all', they'll give you anything."
So of course he goes home and says to his dad: "I know about it all". The dad hands him 100 bucks and tells him "but don't tell mommy".
The kid, stoked, goes to his mom and says: "I know about it all". The mom hands him 2...

A son asks dad, daddy what does the word alternatives mean ?

Dad thinks for a bit and explains.

Say, you can go to a store and buy a case of eggs. You could make an omelette, but you could also try and put the eggs in a nest, get a hatching light, and hatch the chicken. Then you'll feed them, breed them, watch em grow up, get some roosters in the mix....

A mommy mole, daddy mole, and baby mole are together in their burrow

Mommy mole sticks her head out and sniffs the air. She asks, "What's that smell? Is it brown sugar?"

Daddy mole sticks his head out to sniff around, "No I don't think so. Smells like vanilla to me."

The baby mole still in the burrow says "I don't know what you guys are talking about. ...

“Who’s your daddy?”

A roleplay exercise in Alabama, a serious question in Detroit.

What does the Daddy tree say to the kid tree?

Don't be knotty

Mum has told her little girl all about the making of babies.

Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mum asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTH...

Child's play

When one of his employees didn't show up to work one day without phoning in, his boss called his home phone number, and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello?"

The boss asked "Is your Daddy home?" to which the small voice replied "Yes".

The man asked "Can I please speak to him?",...

"Daddy, what's a draiser?"

"I don't know, Billy, where did you hear it?"

"Grandma told me we were going to a fun draiser, but we had to sell cookies all day and it wasn't any fun at all!"

I was at dinner the other day with my girlfriend and her parents when she said "Could you pass me the knife daddy?"

I knew I was dead when both her dad and I stood up.

Goodnight mommy! goodnight daddy!

Little Timmy: Goodnight mom! Goodnight dad! Goodnight grandma! BYE grandpa!
(the next day, grandpa died)



A week later...

Little Timmy: Goodnight mom! Goodnight dad! BYE grandma!
(grandma died the morning after)



Another week passed by...

Little Timmy:...

Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods ...

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

What does a girl with a fruit and daddy kink call her significant other?

Papaya

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

The dad replies, "Why do you want to know, son?"

"Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I
should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

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Son: "What's that Daddy?" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)...

Daddy: "That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound."

Son: "Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt."

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Family conversation.

Dad: Say, daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say, daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Fuck you, say, daddy!

Baby: Fuck you, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I'm home!

Baby: Fuck you!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a bitch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy having sex says "damn, there should be a law against sex this good"

To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

"Daddy, why is my name Rose?"

One day, a child came up to her father and said, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
He replied, "Well, when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

Later on, her younger sister came up to their father and asked, "Daddy, why was I named Lily?"
He replied, "Well, when you were born, a lily...