UPJOKE
dadfatherpapapadadagrandpamommymommamagrandmamotherpappapopmale parentparent

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A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

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A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this May!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later...

The police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them!

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

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A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra.

The mom asks, "Why on Earth do you need that?!" The little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn't get hard?"

My 9 year old son asked "Daddy... why is mummy called Teresa?"

Me: "Oh, well that's easy! You see, your mummy really really, REALLY loves Easter... Teresa is an anagram of Easter, see?"

Using a pen and paper I showed him once more - Easter....Teresa.

Him: "Wow dad that's SO cool! Thanks dad!!"

Me: "Hey, no problem Alan"

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

Ukrainian cleaning his pistol

It's 1961, and a Ukrainian is cleaning his pistol. His son runs into the room shouting: "Daddy, daddy, Russians have gone to space!" The man stops cleaning his pistol. "What, all of them?" "No, just one!" The man grumbles & continues cleaning the pistol.

The mommy whale went up to the daddy whale after taking a pregnancy test

She says to him, "Honey! I'm pregnant again! Can you believe it?"

With tears of joy he responds excitedly, "OMG Honey! This is amazing news! I've always wanted more children! I love you! Thank you!

She responds, "Your *whalecum.*"

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A 6 year old boy visits the zoo with his parents…

…where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the restroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.

“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” ...

Sugar Daddy Humor

**Johnny the Fighter Pilot**

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest Sugar Baby, give her a Ferrari wo...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.

Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with...

A dad walks by his son's bedroom...

And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed. The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides i...

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly...

"Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

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Daddy Longlegs

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" ...

"Daddy, where does poo come from?"

The father, thought for a moment and said "you're old enough to learn about this"

So they sit down and talk. About five minutes later, the son, visibly traumatized asks "what about Eeyore and Piglet?"

Little Jonny

Little Johnny wakes up in the middle of the night and hears noises from his mum and dad's room, and goes to investigate..
He walks in, he is directly behind his mum, who is riding Johnny's dad, cowgirl style, unaware that Johnny is behind her and watching.
Johnny...what are you doing to daddy...

Mommy and Daddy rabbit were enjoying a splendid afternoon in the woods.

Suddenly, the sound of hunting dogs shattered their idyllic time together. They ran for their lives. The dogs were relentless. Finally the two terrified bunnies took shelter in a hollow log. The dogs had them trapped. The situation seemed hopeless.
Daddy looked at Mommy and said "Well, we'll ju...

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Glory!

In an old part of town there's an establishment often visited by a certain kind of people.

In addition to numerous items on display, the purpose of which is unusual but well known to those who frequent the place, there are a number of small booths arranged in pairs, each pair sharing a commo...

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgin" "WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her daddy'...

my gf shouts 'daddy' while we are in bed. Which I think is a bit rude. 'Daddy'?

There's three of us here, not just you and your dad.

A daddy hedgehog is teaching his sons how to cross a road

He explains 'if you see a car coming, go to the middle and curl up in a ball, it will pass right over you.' He then demonstrates, walking across the road and, when a car comes, curling up into a ball and letting it pass safely over the top, and then heading to the other side.

He then tells th...

Arkansas prom

Do you know the most common heard phrase at an Arkansas prom??

Get off me daddy, your smashing my cigarettes.

Mike was going to have dinner at his girlfriend’s to meet her parents for the first time

Before heading to her house he stopped at the pharmacy, tells the guy behind the counter

“Hi, can you please give me a rubber please, I’m going to meet my GF parents tonight and afterwards who knows right? Better yet give me two, my GF’s sister is hot too and she is always locking eyes with ...

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

3 Moles are traveling underground.

Daddy mole leading the way, followed by Momma and Baby mole.

Suddenly, Daddy mole stops, sniffs, and says, "MMM, I smell clover."

A few yards further Momma mole stops, sniffs, and says, "Ahhh, I smell honey."

After a few more minutes Baby mole has had enough. He yells towards t...

Confusing

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who t...

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.

-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!

-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.

-- Oh, okay!

What do you call a guy from Indiana who just became a father?

A Hoosier Daddy.

It was a very nice day out……

The wife said to her son: “If you see daddy doing things with a woman, you need to tell mommy.”
“Ok, mommy,” the son says.
“ See you later. “ The wife said to the son.

3 months later , the husband comes up to the wife.
“ I have to tell you something.”
“ What, did you cheat on ...

What did the daddy buffalo say to baby buffalo when he grew up and went to college?

Bison

The little scamp

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispe...

Okay Dad,,,

One day a man calls on his home to talk to his wife. But his daughter picks the call .

The father asks her,” Where is your mother?”

The daughter replies,” She is upstairs with Uncle John.”

He says,” But you don’t have an ‘ Uncle John’.” Then he asks his daughter what her mother ...

Girl speaking to her Mum.

A girl says to her Mum, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the girls that haven't got any, Oh and what girls are those Mum asks.?

You know the ones.


The ones on daddy's computer.

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A teacher asks the kids if they can use the word contagious in a sentence.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says "I had a cold last week and my Mummy said I couldn't go play because I was contagious."

Little Billy raises his hand and says "My Daddy saw our neighbour trying to paint his fence with a one inch brush, he said that'll take the Cunt Ages"

Youbg boy tells mum "I saw daddy..."

"....in the nearby park, he was parked and with a woman, I went up to the car as the windows were steamed up, I saw they were busy and they were naked and he was doing press ups like we do at school, but he was on top of the naked woman "

Mum is super mad, she quizzes the boy and with growing...

What did the daddy fire say to the mommy fire when their child graduated?

"That's ar-son"

A little boy goes up to his pregnant mum, points at her fat belly and says, what’s that?

She says… (a bit startled…) erm… that’s a baby your daddy gave me that…

So the little boy walks off to find his dad with a confused look on his face…

“daddy did you give mummy a baby ?”

“yeh I did son, that’s right why do you ask…?”

“well don’t give her another, she ate ...

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying,...

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

A toddler, was giving her daddy a tea party

She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea , her Mom came home, Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the...

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife A Little Girl Picks Up The Phone. "Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?" "I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve." "Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway."

3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.

"Daddy, I did what you said an...

Little Johnny and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture frame while his mother made lunch

About twenty minutes after they went upstairs Johnny came downstairs crying. "What’s wrong?" His mother said.
"Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!" Said Johnny. "Well..." Johnny’s mother started.
"Thats nothing to cry about, daddy will be alright. Its actually kind of funny, I d...

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Son: Daddy, do trees poop?

Father: Of course, That's how we get number 2 pencils.

Daddy's Factory

Little Susie was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared, "A baby brother." "Sweetheart, Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "But there just isn't time before your birthday."

Susie thought for a moment and replied, "Why don't you do like they...

Daddy's gonna eat your fingers.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Da...

U know why Christians call the preist 'Father' ?

Cuz calling them Daddy would be too suspicious.

Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!

Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?

-I have to do that or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.


-That's not going to work.


-Why not?


-Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up.

Daddy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time?

No dear, there’s a whole series of fairly tales that start with “If elected, I promise”.

Daddy, which letter firefighters hates the most?

R, son.

A father sees his 5 year old son praying in the middle of the night

He finds it odd but listens closely to it. The kid was praying 'Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night granny, bye bye grandpa'. The father finds it weird but doesn't think much about it. The next day he hears that his father in law is dead. The father finds it abnormal but thinks that it is...

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

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A young cowboy goes off to college.

Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

“Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How...

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. (NSFW)

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone do...

The Caller

"Hello?" the child says on the phone. "Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy," says the litter girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the r...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

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A class of school children are playing a game

They are blindfolded and given a piece of food which they then eat and try to guess what it is.

They guess the first food, chocolate and they guess the second food, banana but they all get stuck on the third one, honey

The teacher tries to help them out and says "it's something your da...

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A father hears his daughter praying

A father hears his daughter praying.
Daughter: God bless mama, god bless Daddy, god bless grandma and goodbye grandpa!
Father: why did you say goodbye grandpa?
Daughter: idk it felt right.
Next day grandpa drops dead. The father thought it was just a freaky coincidence
A week later ...

I'm so sorry, daddy, I've been a bad girl

Priest: for the love of God, kid, it's "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

Here’s a joke my dad told me: What do you get when you cross mommy and daddy?

A mistake



- I don’t know what it means but Mom laughed really hard so it must be funny. Dad uses that joke a lot.

Mommy, why do I look Asian but you are white and daddy is Latino?

Oh, honey, after that night... you should be thankful you don’t bark.

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Life lessons,truly

A boy and his daddy are driving down an old country road. The boy looks out the window of the truck and sees 2 dogs getting it on on the side of the road. He turns, and looks at his father and asks "Dad,what's all that about?"
His father thinks quickly,then replies
"Well, son that right the...

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One day, a family of 3 goes to a zoo .

The daughter Clara sees 2 animals fucking around and she asks her mom what they're doing. The mom says they're baking a cake and then after seeing the rest of the zoo, they go home. Then on the way home she sees 2 dogs doing the same thing. She asks again and gets the same answer. The mom again say...

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Little Johnny and the moral lesson

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taki...

A young whale asks his dad where he came from.

Father: “When a mommy whale and a daddy whale love each other very much they make a baby whale.”

Son: “Thanks, dad!”

Father: “You’re whale cum, son!”

What do Egyptians and The Kardashians have in common?

The both had no clue that one day their daddy would become a mummy.

An 8 years old went to the office with her dad

An 8 years old went to the office with her dad for "take your child to work" day.

As they were walking around the office, the young girl starts sobbing and crying.

All staff gather around to cheer her and her father asked "love, what's wrong?"

The girl turns to her father sobbin...

I once had a sugar daddy

It was nothing wierd. My father had type II diabetes.

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where’s mom and dad?"

She replied, "They're up in bed," so the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma the same question. She replied with the same answer and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play....

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

From my 9 year old: "What is the grumpiest thing on the beach?"

A crab.




Bonus from the 3 yo:

"What did the daddy toilet say to the little toilet?

Don't forget to flush yourself!"

True quote from Tallulah Bankhead

“Daddy warned me about men and alcohol, but he never said a word about women and cocaine.”

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo

He pestered his parents for days.

Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy esp...

Toilet training

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy…

He pushes up the seat and balances his little pen!s on the rim.

Just then the toilet seat slams down and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping ...

My son came running back from school waving a paper in his hand.

Daddy, Daddy. Look! I got a B in my reading test!

That’s a D you idiot.

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day...

The first one says "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal".

The second one says "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six".

Little Jonny starts laughing and says "My Daddy can eat light bulbs".

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him...

Mummy, Mummy, I hate daddy's guts

Then push them to the side of your plate!

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Good-bye Daddy

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know dad...

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200 IQ baby

Father: “Say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “No, say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”

Baby: “Fuck you”

*Mother arrives home*

Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?

Baby: “Fuck you”

Mother: “What?! Who taught you that a...

A little boy runs up to his father with a question.

"Daddy, daddy!" says the boy, excitedly. "Did you get shot in the army?"

The father looks away and grimaces. The pain is etched clearly on this face. He gets a faraway look in his eye, and a tear rolls down his face, as he says, "No, son..."

"...but I did get shot in the leggy."

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

Daddy, daddy!! Why do I keep walking in circles?!

Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!

I was taking a walk around the neighborhood…

…when I saw a man pull up next to a little girl walking on the sidewalk and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop."

I was about to rush over when I noticed that the girl just kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two ...

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A door-to-door salesman rings the doorbell

A little ten year-old boy answers and opens the door, but he is standing there wearing a bra stuffed with socks, wearing a pair of panties and has cigar hang from his lips.

The salesman looking a bit befuddled asks, "Is mommy or daddy home?"

The little boy answers, "What the fuck do yo...

What do you call a sugar daddy with no money?

A splenda daddy.

Little boy asks his mom

Little boy. Mommy why were you bouncing up and down on Daddy's stomach last night?

Mother. Well if I didn't do that that he would get fat.

Little boy. Well it'll never work Mommy.

Mother. Why is that.

Little boy. Cuz after you bounce up and down in his stomach the babysit...

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A guy goes to prison and is shown to his cell...

... His cellmate is a huge Tongan bloke, 6"4", 300kg who takes up 2/3 of the cell on his own.

The Tongan cellmate says "My names Bubba, in Bubba's cell we play mumma and daddy. You choose who you want to be."

The guy thinking to make the best of a bad situation says "I guess I'll be da...

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.

The pilot yells to these passengers, "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in differen...

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Daddy do you want a STD? NSFW (Kinda)

My son walked up to me yesterday and asked me if I wanted a STD. I asked him where he heard that phrase and he said that he saw it on YouTube, I said sure I would like a STD just to see what in the fuck he was talking about then he casually ran to the pantry, opened the doors and grabbed the donuts ...

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

5yr old: “Daddy I’m mad at you!”

Me : “Why?”

5: “You know why!”

Wife: [wipes tear] “They grow up so fast.”

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Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.”

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, ...

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

How fast is your Father ?

Three little boys were sitting around bragging about how fast their fathers were.

The first little boy said “My Daddy drives race cars, and goes over 200 miles an hour !”

The second little boy said “That’s nothin’. My Daddy flies jet airplanes faster than the speed of sound !”

T...

Work likes to say we're like one big family...

...but then get upset with me when I call my boss Daddy. You can't have it both ways.

"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."

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My four year old daughter came into my bedroom in the middle of the night and said,

"Daddy I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?"

"No," I replied as I put her back in her bed, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A date in the 1950's

Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” say...

Daddys car in the woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mo...

I'm a pretty badass sugar daddy myself...

I have diabetes and 3 kids.

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Her : fuck me Daddy

Him : okay, if you incest

A man an a boy walk into a barbershop

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was compl...

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