UPJOKE
babychildyoungstertykepreschoolertoddlerjollykiddycodurchinwaifjuvenileinfantbambinooffspring

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

A married couple with kid gets h*rny...

on a Sunday morning and thinks about how they can have some time to "cuddle". So they tell their son to go stand on the balcony and look if he can see something new going on in the neighbourhood.

So their son stands on the balcony and they get going. After a few minutes he yells: "Dad, dad! T...

My kid came home and asked if I wanted to hear a dirty joke…

He said: 2 pigs fell in the mud and three came out

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My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

Joke a kid told me today: Why did the rooster go to KFC?

He wanted to see a chicken strip

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

My wife said that she would take the kids and leave me if I didn't stop betting on horse racing.

"And they are Offffff!!!!!!!!"

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

An excited kid rushes home to tell his dad the good news.

He tells his dad he got a part in the school play. The dad congratulates the son and asks what part he got. Son says I’m playing the part of a man who’s been married to the same woman for 25 years. Dad says nice son, just keep at it, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

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Last year I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!

At first I was afraid...

my kid asked if he could buy a chemistry set to make chloroform.

I said sure, knock yourself out.

Barber vs kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

Why did Barbie never have kids?

Because Ken comes in another box.

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A shark was teaching his kid how to eat a human

So the shark told his kid, when you see a human make sure to turn around him one or two times and then you can attack him.
The kid asked: Why should I turn around him and not attacking directly?
The shark dad said: well, they taste better if you scare the absolute crap out of them first.

Plato didn't have a wife or kids..

Clearly, all his relationships were platonic.

I don't see my wife & kids anymore. It's all due to gambling.

I won the lottery and I moved to Hawai'i

People these days think all kids in the 90s listened to boomboxes.

That’s just a stereotype.

what did every super hero need as a kid?

Supervision

A fifteen year old kid gets an upright bass and starts to take lessons.

After his first lesson, his dad asks him, "what did you learn today?" "I learned to play the A note." After his second lesson his dad asks again, and he responds "I learned to play the D note." After his third lesson his dad asks again and he responds, "I learned to play the E note." After the fourt...

A kid is selling lemonade…

The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1

A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.

The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.

As the construction worker walks away, he t...

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A kid is running around the house when he runs upstairs and finds his dad shaving in the bathroom.

The dad cuts himself and yells "shit."

The kid asks, "dad, what's shit?"

"Oh it's shaving cream."

The kid says "ok" and runs around again. He goes into the kitchen and his mom is cutting the turkey. She cuts herself with a knife and says "fuck."

The kid asks, "mom, what's...

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”

What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

How does Ye explain his current problems to his kid?

“North West, I am sorry to say that my career is going south.”

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Kid failing English

A kid is failing English, and the teacher sends multiple notes home requesting to speak with his parents but doesn't get a response. One Saturday, the teacher decides to stop by the kid's house. When she knocks on the door, the kid answers.

Teacher: "Hi, Johnny, can I speak to your mother?"...

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.

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A mother comes home from work to find her kids hiding behind the couch. She asks them what’s wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Annie was in the house naked.

She walks into her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet, she discovers the...

I saw a kid crying alone and asked where his parents was. He continued crying louder.

Anyways, working at the orphanage is fun.

There's a hotel that still has an elevator operator, to prevent people from doing graffiti in it, or kids from jumping in it.

A man who's on vacation talks to the elevator guy whenever he rides the elevator, and they get to know each other pretty well.

When he's leaving the hotel at the end of his vacation, the elevator operator notices his suitcases and says "Goodbye son" and the man replies "you're not my father"...

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A kid comes home from the prom and takes his father aside and brags that he just experienced his first blowjob.

The kid's father, beaming, asks his son if he enjoyed it. The kid says "I loved it. But not a big fan of the taste."

I don't get Halloween. It's perfectly fine for kids to go to strangers homes and ask for candy.

But I go driving around in my van offering kids candy, I get reported to the police!

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A teacher comes up to a kid eating a snickers bar for lunch

He asks the kid if he thinks eating snickers is a healthy option for lunch.

The kid says "My grandma lived to be 102"

The teacher replies "wow. That's amazing. Did she eat Snickers for lunch every day?"

The kid says "No. She minded her own fucking business"

Did you hear that Herschel Walker tried to run over some kids and was arrested attempted vehicular manslaughter

In fairness, there was a sign "Drive like your kids live here".

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Two little kids.....

aged six and eight, decide it’s time to learn how to swear. So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, “Okay, you say ‘ass’ and I’ll say ‘hell.’”

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they’d like for breakfast. “Aw, hell,” says the eight-y...

What do rich people say when tickling their little kids?

Gucci, Gucci, Gucci.

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

What did the kid say when he saw the invisible man pee?

Urine visible!

A lot a people say I'm a terrible father because I feed the kids frozen food all the time

They're wrong, I heat it up first.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

My 6-year-old kid ruined my brand new iPhone, so I'm selling it for a very fair price.

Just don't give him peanuts, he's allergic to them.

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When I was a kid, we were so poor

I had to jack off the dog to feed the cat.

A jock and a rich kid walk into a bar

They bond over how easily they got into college and how little they'll contribute to society after they graduate.

Why can't an Asian couple have a white kid?

Because two Wong's don't make a white

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma.

Unfortunately, that didn't impress anyone at the cremation...

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An Amish kid has a medical issue...

An Amish kid has a medical issue that necessitates a hospital visit in the big city. The family travels to the big city for the very first time, and the mother heads to the check-in desk at the hospital.

Meantime the father and son see a metal door on a wall. An elderly woman on crutches push...

A kid is getting ready for prom.

He goes to a boutique to buy a suit, and after he finds one he likes, he realizes that the line is very long. He really likes the suit, though, so he waits for a while and then leaves with his purchase. Next, he goes to a flower shop to get his date a bouquet, and the line there is very long as well...

Dark humor is like kids with cancer

They never get old.

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

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So this kid dressed like a pirate goes Trick Or Treating...

A lady answers the door and says "My! What a big buccaneer!" He replies "Oh yeah! Well you gotta big fuckin' head lady!"

Why did the kid with thick glasses go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted to get adult super vision.

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Kid goes into funeral business

A kid from Pennsylvania's gone to Chicago to study the funeral business with Frank E. Campbell, the world's most renowned mortician, and he calls home.


He says, "Pop, you wouldn't believe how exciting it is working with Frank E. Campbell. It's unbelievable."


His father sa...

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

What do people in Seattle call a group of little kids dressed as ghosts for Halloween?

A micro-boo-ery!

Happy Halloween :)

When I was a kid, I once stayed up all night to see where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

why do Chinese kids not believe in Santa

Because they make the toys

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.

Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

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Girl in a super market says to a guy.

Girl: Hi there:

Guy: Do I know you?

Girl: I think you're the Father of one of my Kids:

Guy: are you the stripper that I made love to on the pool table while all my buddies were watching?

Girl: No I'm your Sons Kindergarten Teacher.

Once a kid goes to a church with her mother

The kid says to her mother " Mommy I want to pee! ". The mother says " do not say pee inside the church, it is inappropriate! If you ever want to pee, say that you want to whisper!". Next Sunday, she goes to church with her father. She then says "Daddy I want to whisper". Her father says " Alright H...

What makes kids and corporations so alike?

They literally can't wait for Christmas.

I always felt proud when my mum told people that of all her kids, I was her easiest pregnancy and birth.

Then I turned 21 and found out that I was adopted.

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop…

Kid: I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.”

Worker: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate

Kid: Ok, make it a scoop of raspberry and a scoop of chocolate

Worker: Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?

Kid: Sure. V-A-N

Worker: Can you spell t...

My neighbor always tells me he was the coolest kid in grade 6

Today I found out he was the only kid in his class with a driver's license and a mustache

Dave Grohl’s kid: Dad, these cakes you made for the school fundraiser are great, but we’re one short.

Dave Grohl: I’VE GOT ANOTHER CONFECTION TO MAKE!

What did the ghost mom say to the ghost kid?

It’s tough being apparent.

I remember seeing Bruce Jenner on Wheaties boxes as a kid and wanting to be him.

Apparently he looked at Wheaties boxes and wanted to be Mary Lou Retton

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even

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A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane

The man felt bored so he decided to talk to the kid. So he turned to him and asked “How about we talk for a bit?”

Then the kid replied “ok so what do we talk about”

The man (clearly wanting to make fun of the kid) replies “How about nuclear power?”

The kid then catches on to the...

How do you tell if someone has kids?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

I once saw a kid riding a bike.

I went “omg that looks like mine” and ran all the way home, but luckily mine was still chained up asking for food

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

Boebert asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?" "Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

Then Boebert said, "I might be stupid, but I know how many one is."

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Drunk guy climbs into bed with his wife..

A drunk guy climbs into bed with his wife. He's so drunk he instantly passes out. A while after passing out he is awoken by a bright light emanating from the end of the bed. He struggles to get himself into a sitting position and after doing so sees that there is a figure in or behind the light.
...

We were so poor when I was a kid…

I thought the teachers were rich

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

The neighbourhood kids just invited me to a waterfight!

I'm just submitting this post while the kettle boils.

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Kids today.

I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other...

What's the difference between the contents of a man's wallet before and after kids?

Before kids the pictures on the paper in his wallet had faces of presidents on them...

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

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Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

A kid in my school did a project on the history of rocket science.

It was a blast to the past

2 kids outside a clinic

Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.



Alex was crying very loudly.



Johnny: Why are you crying?



Alex: I came here for a blood test.



Johnny: So? Are you afraid?



Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my f...

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

Which one touches the ground faster, a feather or an emo kid?

The feather cuz the emo kid’s attached to a rope…

A woman was cheating on her husband. Her husband came home early.

Her paramour had to quickly hide in the closet. When the husband and wife leave the bedroom together, the paramour thinks he's gotten away with it, but then he hears:

"Blimey, ain't it dark in here!"

( This happened to be in England. )

He realizes that their kid is also hiding i...

What do you call a redditor that's not allowed to be near kids?

A predditor

When I was a kid if I was naughty my dad use to hit me with polaroid camera.

To this day I can still have instant flashbacks.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

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Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

I told my kid to not open the door for anyone while I’m not home

Now I’m stuck outside

I took my 8 year old daughter to the office on “Take Your Kid To Work Day.”

When we walked in the office she
started to cry.

As concerned staff gathered round I
asked her what was wrong and she
said, "Daddy where are all the clowns
you said you worked with?"


Funny joke I found online a little while ago lol.

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My kid got lice at school, can you believe he got upset when I directed him to r/jokes?

I just know people here are great at going over stuff with a fine toothed comb and nitpicking the shit out of it.

I pulled my kid out of pre-school because they were indoctrinating him into a socialist liberal mindset

Today, his teacher was teaching him how to share.

My kids were born on the highway.

As after all that’s where most accidents occur.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

In the early evening...
My wife caught me, my boss and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Later that night, an officer caught five people smoking pot outside my office.

My wife looked at ...

Kim and Kanye’s kid launched a new perfume in her own name.

North—by North West.

Woman with kid on a bus

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus d...

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

The emo kid tried to high-five a tree...

But unfortunately, the tree left him hanging.

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Kids Banging on Bins

Everyday this old gentleman would be waken by some local kids banging on some trash bins in the alley outside his house and yelling.

One day the old gentleman went out and said "I really love your youthful energy and joy you bring here - I am so entertained by you all! here, let me pay you e...

Dad: "Your teenage brother will drive you to your mom's house tomorrow." Kid:"What about the baby?"

Dad: "The baby doesn't have a driver's license."

My wife accused me of achieving nothing...

So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."

"What's that?" she said

"It's a big building with kids in it"

A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery

He charged one and let the other one off

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A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke in...

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison.

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”

The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”

The wife replies: “Bullsht! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for mo...

Is it ok to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school...

....or, am I a really bad teacher ?

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind

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When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

A guy punches a kid in the face.

This resulted in a "minor" injury.

Naming the kids

A guy named Jay walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's your wife doing?" the bartender asks. "She's doing great. The doctor says the pregnancy is going well and we can expect two healthy twin girls," Jay replies. "I'd really like to name them after myself, but can't decide on the names." "How ab...

A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study

A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study so his old man buys him a sports car to drive around. A few days pass and the father calls the son.

\- Hows it going son? Having fun with your car?

\- No father. I am ashamed, everyone here gets around by train.

\- Dont embarrass me son....

what do kids with tourette’s and tall grass have in common?

ticks

A pirate walked into a bar.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I g...

My wife asked, “Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?” I chuckled and replied...

"No, I think most kids smell that way!"

A kid comes up to a bus

and the driver asks him if he has the money to ride.

The kid pulls a few coins out of his pocket. "Is this good?"

The driver nods. "Fare enough."

A girl gets a thorn in her hand...

On her way to a party, Trisha, a rebellious teenage girl drops her little sister off at a friends house. Trisha drops off her little sister, says hi to the parents and then leaves for the party.

The young girl runs straight to the backyard where her friends are. It's a beautiful summers even...

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

I tell dad jokes, But I have no kids.

I'm a faux pa.

Hey kid, you're an orphan right?

Yes sir, what gave me away?

Your parents.

Kid says to mom “when I grow up I wanna be a drummer!”

Mom says “you can’t do both!”

The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hey let’s go ride our bikes!

I took the plunge three years ago, and had a vasectomy done.

Mainly because I didn't want any kids at all. However, when I got home after the operation, they were still there..

Did you hear that the next season of Stranger Things will be shot in Australia?

The kids have to defeat a monster from the Right Way Up.

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What does boobs and toys have in common?

They’re made for kids but daddies end up playing with them.







(I didn’t write the joke)

A robot broke a kids finger during a chess tournament.

Still processing it.

A kid sees a homeless guy begging on the street,

And gets to chatting with him. The guy is nice enough but obtains from the conversation that the lad is off to put some money in the bank, and asks as the kids gets up to go.

"So, can you spare a few of those dollars, kid?"

"Are you going to use it on drugs?"

"No sir, food a...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!...

Do you think its ok if I have a glass of wine as soon as the kids get to School?

Or am I just a bad teacher?

Saw this on r/casualuk and thought it was funny. Hence crosspost

Two kids on my street got arrested today.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

Only one of them was charged; the other was let off.

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Young mans first-ever around-the-world cruise

A young sailor about to go on his first-ever around-the-world cruise, visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

“Gramps, I’m so excited to go on my first cruise,” he says.

“Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you’re taking everything you need,” says the grandfather.
...

My wife and I have decided we don’t want kids, after all.

If somebody out there does, we can bring them by tomorrow, anytime after 3 PM.

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18,...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"



A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?

Names.

Did you hear about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground?

It was a knot-for-profit.

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A man died and found himself in Hell.

As he was walking through hell in despair, he met The Devil for the first time.

Devil asks him: "Hey, fellow. Why are you so desperate?"
Man: "What do you think? I'm in hell."

Devil: "Hell isn't that bad. We're having a lot of fun here. Do you like alcohol?"
Man: "Sure, I l...

Ok kids, anyone who needs to use the bathroom do it now, or

Forever hold your pees.

(Credit goes to my wife)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Under the pillow

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said,

“I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” a...

Our kid is always saying, “I want to be Batman!” or “I wanna be Spider-Man!”

So we dropped him off at the orphanage.

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