A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only Weird if you say it backwards.

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ?

Or am I just a terrible Teacher ?

A kid went to his father and asked, "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this nice girl.”

Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on...

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
>“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve a...

I got a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.

When I got home, they were still there.

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Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys.

I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left...

...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

I’m like a cat when it comes to kids

I don’t really enjoy the product

But I love playing with the box it came out of.

An 8 year old girl went to work with her father on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they where walking around the office the young girl started to cry. Her father asked what was wrong. As a crowd gathered around her she sobbed ''Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

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Genius Kid

An old man is sitting out on his deck one day when he sees a young boy walking down the road with a roll of duct tape under his arm.


"Where are you going?" asks the old man

"To catch some ducks" says the kid

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape" replies the old man.
...

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"

A Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him "Sudden Lee"

2 kids are sitting in a hospital...

The first one is clearly nervous, so the second says “hey man, you ok?”

“Yeah, it’s just that my family just converted to Judaism and my parents brought me here to get circumcised.”

“Oh man that sucks!” replies the other kid. “I was circumcised when I was a week old and I couldn’t walk...

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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

What's an Anti-Vaxxer kids favorite game?

Half Life

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

What did the orphan kid say when he was riding his bike?

Look hands, no mum..

Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!

A man boards a plane with six kids

After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No, I work for a condom company, these are customer complaints."

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

I won’t vaccinate my kids.

I’ll leave that to a professional.

Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.

Normally we have turkey, but ok...

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn’t afford a dog.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

If you open a camp to help kids with ADHD

Is it a concentration camp?

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

1960s kids don't have a problem with social distancing.

Everyone was pretty spaced-out then.

Antivaxx kids are like dark humor

They never get old

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

Kids these days have no idea how good it was growing up in the 90s!

(born on December 31st, 1999)

I played hide seek as a kid and the ultimate winner hid so good we never found him. Years later they found him under a pile of dirt

Turns out He won by a landslide

Two students, both 5 year old kids are peeing inside the male toilet.

Boy 1: Hey, what's wrong with your pee-pee?

Boy 2: What do you mean?

Boy 1: It doesn't look like mine, why is there no skin thingy?

Boy 2: Oh, i was circumcised when i was 2 days old. The doctor removed the skin.

Boy 1: (Grimacing) Oww, was it painful?

Boy 2: Painf...

The special kid was late to class today

He cried after the teacher called him tardy

So there's this one kid at a costume party and the host ask what he was dressed up as. The kid told him that he dressed up as a harp, and the host told him that his costume is too small to be a harp.

The kid then said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"

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What common interests do a horny teenage kid and an interview panel have?

They both prefer someone with great experience :)

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Up to which age is it appropriate to bathe with your kid? 36M

My mom says it's getting weird

I don't let my kids watch the orchestra

Too much sax and violins

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

Kids these days don't know what good clean fun is!

Frankly, I don't know what good it is either!

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

My wife and I have decided we do not want kids

We will be telling them tonight

I think the world’s greatest dad trophy my kids just got me is kinda silly.

I think I was the only one that knew it was a competition.

Their bio dad definitely didn’t.

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She said she was stripping to feed her kids.

Yet she got pissed at me when I stuck a can of green beans in her garter.

A kid asks his mother: "how come im black and youre white?"

She replies: "listen, the way i remember that party, youre lucky you dont bark."

Americans who want to send their kids to school but don’t want to vaccinate them..

You’re worried about the wrong shots

A kid once asked me "How do Stars die?"

I told him "Usually of an Overdose."

When I was a kid, my father showed me a world of pain

I know he sounds like a monster, but he was just a French baker

My kid is obsessed with naruto, I am worried its gonna affect his

**Chakra**.

I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning.

His mother was furious.

Saw a kid crying so I asked him where his parents were

God I love working at an orphanage

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves!!!

Just kidding, I'm actually not sure, they haven't opened it yet.

Yay got a PS5 for my kid.

She cried a bit when I left but I'm sure her new parents will love her.

My school was tough. My teacher asked a kid what comes after a sentence?

The kid said an appeal.

I gave my kid a harmonica for Christmas.

And unfortunately he loves it.

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

As a kid my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

As it turns out identity theft is a crime

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

What is one thing that Egyptian kids do not realise?

That their Daddies will eventually become Mummies...

A kid walks into a church and has food protected by god

A kid walks into a church and there is a table with 2 baskets. The first basket contained apples, and the other basket contained muffins with a sign on top of the basket: take only 1 muffin, God is watching you. The kid goes away and comes back 30 minutes later with a sign. He puts it on top of the ...

Fish 1: So I heard you had kids. Where are they from?

Fish 2: The sea section

It's been proven that vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism

because the ones that aren't vaccinated are dead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I saw a kid getting his ass beat by 4 other kids, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against all 5 of us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As principal of the Catholic school, Mother Superior had seen her share of kids gone astray. From smoking cigarettes or pot to fighting and much more. However, it was uncanny how she always caught the guilty ones and set them straight.

I guess you could say she was Nun The Wiser

Once I finished a video game about a man and a kid with a flying house without even playing it

I ended up doing nothing

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

They’re saying kids are having more tantrums during COVID.

So would that be a Pantrum or a Tandemic?

What did the telegraph operator say to kids pranking him?

This is used for work, stop.

This is not a game, stop.

Made My Own Grand kids

With a patient in my medical exam room:

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I ...

People used to say to the deaf kid he couldn't do anything in life.

But he didn't listen.

How is a bouncy castle and an unvaxxed kid alike

Both stop being fun when a nail touches them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a kid I always insisted on having olive oil on my pasta instead of meat sauce.

Maybe that is why I am a virgin.

How do parents punish their blind kid?

The rearrange the furniture in the house

A joke my granddad once told me as a kid:

At a mental hospital there is a man and a doctor assessing his sanity.

The doctor takes out a 100 dollar bill and an apple and sets it on the table

"Mister, I want to give you something. Which of these do you want?"

The man looks at the 2 objects hard, and eventually takes the a...

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

When a kid says

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid

Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.

Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad..

Just Kidding

Two men of which one had a really bad stutter decided to climb mount everest. They set up at the bottom, waved to everyone who came to wish them luck and started climbing... Around 8 hours of exhausting climbing later the one with the stutter goes "I-I-I f-f-f-f" the other one cuts him off and goes ...

Only 2000s kids will get this:

Arrested for underage drinking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid lost his eyelids in a fire a few months back...

So for Christmas this year his parents saved up enough so that he could get surgery to replace them.

In order to do that they had to circumcise him and make him eyelids out of his Willy hoodie.

The surgery went well, and he can once again close his eyes, but I guess now you can say
...

So a guy tells an antivax kid a dirty joke

Antivax kid: I don’t get it

Guy:you will when your olde...oh wait

i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety

and they said: "what's school safety?"

A kid walks into a grocery store

Looks at the cashier with intimidating eyes "Give me this food free of charge or I'll do what my father did"

Fearful for his apparent resolve the cashier lets him leave uncharged.

2nd day the kid back says the same thing, the cashier feels obliged to answer his request.

This goe...

A group of kids are chasing Quasimodo down the street...

...Quasimodo turns and shouts at them

"F**K OFF I HAVEN'T GOT YOUR BALL"

What's an Anti-Vaxxer's kid's favourite song?

Staying alive

What did the teacher call the Asian Kid who was known for his precision in math?

Exact Lee.

My family was so poor when I was a kid...

We could only exchange glances at Christmas!

What’s the difference between the Trump kids and the capital rioters?

Donald actually loves and supports the rioters!

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

While moving to a new apartment I lost several of my fossils from when I was a kid.

They weren't really worth much so I guess its just the sedimental value I'm missing.

My kids want a puppy for Christmas

I mean, I normally do a ham, but they seem pretty adamant so we will see how it goes!

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just met a cute girl named Kidding.

I wish I was fucking kidding.

What do you call a spider with lots of kids from many different spiders of whom he never married?

A Baby-Daddy Longleg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?

Because he only cums once a year and it’s down your chimney

Say what you want about deaf kids...

They won’t hear.

What is it called when two redheads have a kid?

Ginger bred

What's the disease, which only vaccinated kids get?

Adulthood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. “Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.

Cindy put her hand up and said “Moooo!”

“Very good” replied the teacher,”what sound does sheep make?”

“Baaaa” answered Jimmy.

She continued this for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between 100,000 political jokes and a kid falling off a bike.

I still laugh every time I see a kid fall off a bike....
(For real this shit just ain't funny anymore fellas.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Gordon Ramsey have 5 kids?

Because he's always fucking raw!!!

A kid finds a magical lamp.

He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?” The kid says, “I wish I were rich!” The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

How many kids with adhd does it take to screw in a bulb?

Let's go play Minecraft!

I made a curry last night and put ginger in it, kids weren't happy

They loved that cat

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, I think God takes you by your feet because....

"I once walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

Here's one my kid made up when she was 8... Why couldn't the guy find his map?

Because he lost his map.

Kid in a multi-player lobby: "Do you guys have skin?"

Other player: "No, we only have bones and muscles."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Why do furries have so many kids?

Because they fuck like rabbits

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a 18 year old kid takes his duck to a prostitute.

He asked her if she would take his duck as payment. She says yes and they proceed.

Afterwards she says, "Wow that was the best I ever had, I tell you what if you do that again, ill give you your duck back for free."

So him and his duck are walking back home feeling good about everythi...

What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to as a kid?

Elementary my dear Watson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LEGO bricks are like boobs...

...They're designed for kids, but it's the grown-ups who have more fun with them. Oh, and it hurts when someone steps on them.

What gaming console does a Christian kid play?

PrayStation.

My wife and I decided decided to not have kids anymore.

We've been fighting for days about who has to tell them.

In Colombia, kids have built a snowman.

The police guessed snowman's value at approximately $400 million.

Why were kids banned from watching a pirate film

Because it was rated rrrrrrrrr

I been going to the same office since a little kid, so I feel obligated to keep goin, but lately the prostate exams are getting longer and more painful. Last time he even rubbed my shoulders during the exam...

I think I should look for a new dentist....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid trying to catch an STD

The police pick up a young kid at 2 am, in the red light district and ask him what he's doing

"Looking for a prostitute" "Why do you want to find a prostitute?" "So I can catch an STD!" "Why would you want to do that?"

"Well, if I can catch something, I'll sleep with my nanny and she'l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kids kept trying to find the Christmas presents so I put them in the attic

Now the pesky buggers are banging on the attic door asking to be let out

Year 2020 passed like a kid reciting the alphabet.

January — ABCD...


February — EFG...


March — HIJK...


April to December — ELEMENOP.

As a kid my dad used to always hit me with a camera

I still have flashbacks

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