Spanking your own kids is already low but if you spank someone else's kid

you've hit a new bottom

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other!

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

I’m a proud parent of 3 Unvaccinated kids

Edit: 2 kids

Edit: 1 kid

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids.

But when I got home they were still there.

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US...

... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

A Chinese kid approaches his father and asks him: "Daddy, why do they say we all look alike?"

The man replies: "Actually your father is the one over there"

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

Once upon a time 2 kids were playing hide and seek

Their names were Shut Up, and Trouble. It was Trouble's turn to seek, so Shut Up went and ran into his neighbor's yard. His neighbor went onto his front lawn, upon seeing Shut Up he asked "what's your name, and why are you on my property?" to which Shut Up calmly replied, "Shut Up"

Neighbor: ...

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I saw an article about a woman who tried to sell her kid on eBay. You shouldn’t sell your child on eBay. That’s something YOU made.

That shit goes on Etsy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a little kid and an asshole?

Unlike a Catholic, I won't lick a little kid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsey is teaching his kids Egyptian history.

Gordon Ramsey : (Holding a picture) Who is this?

Kids : It's Anubis.

Gordon Ramsey : It's fucking Ra !!!!

True story: My wife told me after our first kid

“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

What do you call handicapped kids doing karate?

partial-arts

A kid asks his mom "Mom? What is dark humor?"

She responds: "see that man over there with no arms?Tell him to clap."

The kid replies: "but mom, I'm blind!"

Mom: "Exactly"

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty badly

What's the difference between anti-vaxx kids, and kids in an American school?

One dies from not getting shots.

The other dies from getting shot.

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..

At least he likes one thing raw.

The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.

I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.

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A kid is born without eyelids...

... the Drs suggest using the leftover foreskin from his circumcision to replace them. Everything turned out fine... but the kid is just a little cockeyed

When I was a kid my grandpa asked me when we drove past a cemetery “do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?”, of course i said nope. Then he said

All of them!

Remember, kids...

Always talk to your dermatologist before making any rash decisions.

2 blind kids were fighting at school...

A bunch of students started to crowd around the fight. One of the students yelled “I’ve got 20 bucks on the one with the knife!”

Both of them ran away

I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today

My self control is really improving

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

The waiter said to me “I just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”

I said “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken tenders, and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”

If an anti-vax kid had a theme song, What would it be?

Down with the Sickness

A Jewish kid asks his dad for 40 bucks

His dad says, "30 bucks??! What the hell do you want with 20 bucks??!!"

When i was a kid I caught my mother blowing my dad.

Upon asking my mother what she was doing, she replied, "Daddy's been drinking lately and his tummy got bloated. I'm just sucking out the air, dear."

Confused, I replied, "But what's the point. When you go out for work, the lady next door comes and blows it back in".

A kid asked his mom “can you suck the light?”

Surprised, she said “Of course not, why do you ask that?”

And the kid replied “well cause dad told the maid to turn off the light cause she was gonna suck it”

A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me.

I thought "that's not very mature".

I stopped vaccinating my kids because I wasn't comfortable jamming a needle into their arms.

Now I get my Doctor to do it.

I can’t stand Honors college kids. I asked this girl “hey, why aren’t koalas considered to be bears?”

And she said, “they’re marsupials.”

Shut up, nerd. The answer to the joke is they don’t have the koalafications.

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus

I saw a kid did not stand at school for his National anthem

On seeing this I was angry and I kicked him out of his wheel chair

What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?

Knot bad

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.

Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

My Kids are buying me gifts for Father's day,

Hope I can afford it.

I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace

The situation changes however, when I run out of children

What's better than playing with your kids?

Playing with the box they came in.

A kid asks his dad 'Daddy, what's dark humor?"

"Well," he said, "you see that fat kid get stuck in the baby swing?"

"Dad, I'm blind..."

The dad goes back to his newspaper.

"You're welcome, son."

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smart-ass kid wants to challenge a famous gunfighter.

He walks into the saloon, and says "My name's Jimmy Johnson, and I'm here to challenge Black Bart to a showdown at noon tomorrow!"

The bartender says "Well, if you're going to try to outdraw Black Bart, you 'd better be prepared."

The kid says "I've got my gun, I've been practicing for...

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas

Normally I do turkey but hey, if it wil make them happy.

Kids ask their mother how they were named

1st Child: Mom, how was I named?

Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily.

Lily: That’s so cool!

2nd Child: Mom, how was I named?

Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hosp...

After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

I've got a kid

in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

I used to hate maths when i was a kid

But as you get older you realise that decimals have a point

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids.

He said, "For the last time, I haven't got your football."

The kid who used to bully me in school still takes my money..

On the plus side, he makes a pretty decent Subway sandwich.

I did't start this Dojo to teach kids discipline.

I started this Dojo so people would pay me to fight their children.

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid...

Man she really wanted a daughter.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

A kid in high school really likes this girl and finally gets the courage to ask her to prom.

To his surprise and delight, she says yes. He wants to make this night very special so he decides to get a tuxedo, a limo, and really nice flowers. First, he goes to the tux rental store and sees there is a line, but he waits and finally gets the perfect fit. Next he goes to the car rental store and...

Worm kid comes home

He sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"

Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."

A Doctor Walks into a Young Patient's Room and Sits Beside the Kid

Doctor: Hey kiddo! You're going to get discharged later on today. Don't forget to give your father my regards!

Kid: My father's dead...

Doctor: I know

Two kids are playing with an Ouija Board

Kid 1: Spirits are you here with us, tonight?

The piece that tells you the answer went to yes

Kid 2: Wow, these really do work

Kid 1: Spirts, why are you here?

Then the piece that tells you the answer went to “Y” then it went to “O” then it went to “U” it went off of “U” ...

why was the kid staring at the orange juice?

It said concentrate

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When I was a kid, we had a dog named Karen.

One day she disappeared and i never saw her again. My parents told me she ran away.

When I grew up, I realized that was bullshit, 'cause she would have taken me with her.

My wife asked me if I wanted kids...

I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it ea...

What’s it called when a 3 year old antivaxx kid starts having a fit?

A midlife crisis

Caitlin Jenner Must Be Very Honest To Her Kids

She seems Transparent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kids are real jerks, so we're moving to Germany.

Then they'll be kinder.

Playing dodge ball with kids is so much harder than it looks

You have to use both your hands to throw them

I remember in middle school there was a kid who tried to pay me to be his friend..

.. and I felt really bad for him because he just didn’t have enough money

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

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So a kid is sitting in the park, eating a bag full of candy..

An old man walks by, and tells the kid “you shouldn’t eat so much candy. You’ll get fat, and unhealthy, and die at a young age.” The boy responded “My grandfather lived to be 111 years old!”
The old man gasped, and asked “wow, did he eat a lot of candy bars?!”
And the kid goes “no, he minded...

My wife asked what would I do if we had another kid, I said,

I'd send him to live with his dad.....

Me and my wife were going to get a divorce. It was due to the kids we stayed together...

Neither of us wanted custody of them!

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.



Just kidding.



They haven't opened it yet.

I go to Popeyes' to get the kids something to eat.

Maddie wanted the kids meal with a leg.

So I said “kids meal with the leg”

And the lady says “which side?”


Me- \*complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd decision


“I guess the right side, hell I don’t know what the difference is.”


Af...

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Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”

One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong

One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong

One boy asks “are farts lumpy?”

The teacher says no,

He says “then I definitely shit my pants”

Grandma and grandpa lived in a one room house with their kids so had little "private time".

Grandma said if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my breast once. If you don't want to make love squeeze it twice. Grandpa said OK if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my privates once. If you don't want to make love squee...

I have six kids...

I have six kids, but my pullout game is still stronger than Brexit.

What do you call it when fewer and fewer school kids go to the playground?

A recession.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What if a MakeAWish kid wanted to lose their virginity?

They'd have to work something out under the table.

My friends told me that kids always grow up someday

So I decided to prove them wrong by not vaccinating them

Remember when we would cry as kids and our parents would say "I'll give you something to cry about."

We though they were gonna hit us but then they went and destroyed the ozone, housing market, and affordable college.

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!!!

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'.

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all t...

I sent my kids to a Youth in Asia camp.

Still waiting for them to tell me they've arrived.

The kids with special names

The oldest kid asked her mother. “Mom, why did you name me Feather?”

Mom: “I named you Feather because when you were a newborn a feather landed on your head”

The second oldest kid named Leaf asked the same.

Mom: “I named you Leaf because when you were a newborn a leaf landed on...

What is it called when you run over three disabled kids with your car?

Cripple kill.

Two kids are talking to each other

The first kid says “my family wants me to be as tall as my grandpa. He is six feet tall”. The other kid says in response, “yeah my family wants me to be as tall as my grandpa as well. Now that I think about it, my two grandpas are exact opposites in height. The one on my mom’s side is six feet tall ...

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

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Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." 
Kid 1: "As if." 
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." 
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." 
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Some Kids Are Just Nuts...

In the kindergarten, the teacher was helping a boy with putting on his boots. They were so hard to put on, that the teacher couldn't take less than one minute to put one of them.

The teacher was just about to be done putting on the first boot, when the kid said:

\- You're putting the w...

I like bad kids like I like my coffee

Grounded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Changing diapers is the hardest part about having kids

You can't half ass it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've got two kids, three and five.

Shit names, admittedly.

What is the difference between Charles Manson and A make-a-wish kid?

Manson got life

Unvaccinated Kid: *exists*

Mosquitoes: It's a me Malario

So an Anti Vax kid was playing in the pool...

“Marco!”







“Polio!”

When I was a kid we were so poor we had to eat sitting on the floor.

Every supper, mom would cook up another batch of filet mignons and we’d sit around on the floor eating them like a picnic.

One day dad came home and said he’d taken a gamble and bought us a table. Ever since then, the steaks have been raised.

With my Kids I never Joke,

I am always dad-serious!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom used to tell me when i was a kid.

"Don't open the site named pornhub. You will see something that will haunt you for the rest of your life". Being a kid, i listened. One day the curiosity got the best of me. I opened up the site. she was right. i saw something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I saw my mom.

Pixar finally made a movie for kids with cancer

It’s called Finding Chemo

Years ago, the average parents had 4 kids.

Now, the average kid has 4 parents.

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

Courtesy of my four year old

Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?

A: Popcorn

I’m renaming my kids Sony and Disney

Because they can’t agree on anything

An actual 'reddit' joke- and the first joke I ever told when I was a little kid...

It's pretty stupid but whatever...

What did the chicken say to the librarian?

"Book, book, book"

What did the frog say to the chicken?

"Reddit, reddit, reddit..."

When Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian as a kid everyone laughed.

No one is laughing now

i have a 13 year kid body

and his family are worried sick about him

My wife and kids are preparing to leave me over my action figure collecting addiction

They said it's either the toys or us

My kids asked me why their tree house was in the shape of an octagon, I told them...

during the construction process, corners were cut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with me is like listening to Kid Cudi

Its over too soon, and you think you might have felt something.

How do you scare a Jewish kid in Minecraft?

You get 8 cobblestone.

A kid came home to find his parents sitting at a table, looking disappointed. “Son, you’ve been expelled,” his dad said.

“But I’m homeschooled!” he wailed in despair.

“That’s the point. Now get out.”

A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.

Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."

"Why your feet?" asked t...

Three kids are smoking behind the bike sheds at school!

Kid 1: "My Dad can blow smoke through his nose!"
Kid 2: "Yeah, well my Dad can blow smoke through his ears!"
Kid 3: "That's nothing, my Dad can blow smoke through his ass!!" I've seen the nicotine stains in his underpants!

Whenever I give my seat on the bus to an elderly person, they're as happy as a kid in a candy store...

I do the same in the men's bathroom and they hobble away as fast as they can.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid: Dad, there is a small party at my school tomorrow and you should come.

Dad: So, is it the whole class and parents?
Kid: No, just you, me, and the principal.

Why cant you bring kids to an orchestra?

Too much sax and violins

How can you tell you are an 80's kid?

When you are Rick rolled and go "Hey, I love this song!"

I saw a couple of kids having an argument about Shakespeare

One was yelling about Macbeth. The other was yelling about Hamlet.

I thought it was much ado about nothing.

I help blind kids

Verb, not adjective

I think the hospital accidentally switched our kids at birth!

They're identical twins, so it's hard to be sure.

A teacher is trying to persuade the kids to buy a copy of the class' group picture:

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out: “And there’s our teacher, she’s dead.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't homeless kids be gay?

They have no closet to come out of

What does bread and kids have in common ?

Don't make em on a weak Ikea kitchen table.

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