I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were.

And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum

Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?

Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

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I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just got a vasectomy. I was looking forward to not having any more kids...

...but when I got home, the fuckers were still there

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it. Apparently...

She left me two days ago...

One time as a kid, I took my Dad’s voltmeter without his permission…

I got grounded

I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today...

His mom got really angry with me...

When my kid is upset I let her colour my tattoo!

She just needs a shoulder to Crayon

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My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other

If you open a camp to help kids that have ADHD…

Does it count as a concentration camp?

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I was walking through the local park when I was verbally abused by two unruly kids.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

I was always against facial hair as a kid

*But then puberty hit and it grew on me*

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid asks for viagra

Little boy w/ diarrhea tells mom he needs Viagra. Mom: Why do you need that?" Boy: Isn't that what you give Dad when his shit wont get hard?

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My kids keep asking me if can let them play outside now that people are getting vaccinated from the virus…

I have to keep reminding them that they were in the basement before COVID and they’re gonna be in that basement way after COVID.

A kid with a speech impediment is trick or treating on Halloween...

At his last door a nice elderly lady opens it and he says the traditional " Bick or beat!" She replied "Oh what do we have hear what are you dressed as little boy?" He proudly replied "I'm a Birate!"
"Oh you're a Pirate!" She responds "Well where are your Buckaneers?" He scowls at the lady and ...

Two kids from bangkok have a race, who wins?

Its a thai.

I used to love tractors when I was a kid.

I had posters of them up on my walls, dozens of toy tractors I used to play with; I remember one year my parents surprised me for my birthday with a big cake in the shape of a tractor. They were an obsession.

As I grew older, I started to notice girls and put more thought into my studies, and...

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

There was a lawyer who had twelve kids.

He could not find a house to rent, as no landlords wanted to have twelve kids breaking their properties. As he believed that he must not lie, he told his wife to bring eleven kids to have a walk at a nearby cemetery. Then he took the other kid and went to meet a landlord. The landlord asked:

...

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

A dying kid makes a wish to meet Dwayne Johnson

Dwayne sits at the side of the hospital bed and asks the kid if he was a fan of wrestling.

The kid says yeah, and that he knows his only weakness.

Dwayne looks puzzled, and asks what it is.

"Come closer" says the kid.

Dwayne leans in, and the kid shows him his open palm....

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

The emo kid tried to high five the tree

The tree left him hanging

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A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

So my dad told me this one when i was a kid.

A preist is walking out of church during a cloudy day, when he sees a little boy trying to squish ants on the sidewalk with his fingers, whenever he'd miss, he'd say "ah, missed!".

So the preist tells him to stop because everything, including ants, are creations of god and that he shouldn't h...

As a little kid, I was unusually confident. I even used to call my first grade teacher "Sweetheart!"

He hated it.

You know Usain Bolt's kids are called Thunder and Lightning, right? Well he had another child that got cursed by a witch.

Hex Bolt.

Tom was not the brightest kid in his school.

None of his classmates liked him. He was plain stupid when it came to even simplest stuff. His teacher always told him "you're driving me crazy".

One day, Tom's mother visited school and when she spoke to teacher, the teacher directly said: "Your child is absolutely stupid, not only his grad...

Kid: What is dark humor?

Dad: Do you see that man over there with no legs?
Ask him to jump.

Kid: But dad, I'm blind!

Dad: Exactly!

Spanking your own kids is already low

But If You Spank Someone Else's Kid
You've Hit A New Bottom

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There is a new teacher in a school, and she is sent to the worst class with the laziest and the most spoiled kids.

The new teacher starts introducing herself to the first-graders, asking some questions to them, hoping to get them to like her.

She decided to start the lesson in a fun way to get the children's attention. So she starts drawing some pictures on the whiteboard and asks the children what has s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, my kid asked me: “Dad did Jesus died a virgin?”

I said: “No, he got nailed before he died”

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?

Names.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park (NSFW)

The punk has a mohawk 16 inches high and all different colors and the punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair. After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says:

"What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy before?"

The old man...

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

I decided to shoot up a bunch of kids today

I always feel so good giving out free coronavirus vaccines…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

Most people choose to raise their own kids...

but I'm proud to say my kids were adopted. And honestly I don't miss them.

I have no idea how those quiet kids in school are doing now

I haven’t heard from them at all

For my cake day, a Harry Potter joke I made up when I was a kid...

*Knock-knock*

~ Who’s there?

~ You know

~ you know who?

*avada kedavra!*

Sorry if everyone knows that one, 7 year old me thought I was being very clever.

What do you call a bunch of kids all dressed up as batman?

Halloween at the orphanage.

Who's that kid in that movie you can't ever remember their name?

Whatchamacaulay Culkin

Kids are like herpes

You should only date other people that have them too

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

My kid just took a dump in the bath

I didn't know he had it in him.

I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". BIG MISTAKE!

After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. As everyone gathered around to try to console her, she looked at me and in a loud voice complained, "Where are all the clowns you tell me & mommy you work with everyday?"

How’s that kid doing that swallowed all those coins?

No change yet…

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A family had a kid that never spoke

They took him to see several doctors, but none was able to help. Eventually, the parents gave up. But then one day, as they were having a breakfast together, the kid suddenly said:
"There's no juice in my glass."
The parents were beyond shocked.
"Sweetheart, you can speak?"
"I can."
"...

When i was a kid , we were soo poor

For Christmas my mom would cut the pockets out of our pants ,so we would have something to play with..

When I was a kid I had a penpal who lived in southeast Asia who worked in an athletic clothes sweatshop. I would send him gifts from America and he would send me different clothes he made at work. His name was Chen, but I called him Bean Burrito.

Because he made me puma pants.

I educate my kids using r/jokes

It teaches them that you gain karma by recycling trash.

I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

Two girlfriends talk

* So, Stacy, have you tried ... you know ..., *the other hole* with your boyfriend?
* Are you crazy?! We don't want any kids!

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

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A kids mother asks him a question about watching porn.

His mother asks him a question regarding his brother, who's getting to "that age", and how to deal with the likely hood of him seeing certain things on certain sites that he shouldn't be on.

The mother asks the older son
"What do you think I should tell him, how should I deal with it, wha...

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I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

A joke I made when I was a kid: Why do cops always smell?

Because they are always on duty!

A kid got a day off from his class and decided to call his grandpa

Kid: Hey Grandpa, I got a day off from school tomorrow. My teacher said that she is busy tomorrow, and allows us to take a day off. Can you take me to the zoo please?

His Grandpa agreed. As a manager of a company, he called up his secretary and said: "Hey, I will take a day off tomorrow to ta...

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

What do you give an armless kid for Christmas

Nothing he wouldn’t be able to open it anyways

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the 4th grade teacher’s birthday and all the kids brought in presents.

The teacher was a little worried about Billy’s present though because his father owned a vodka distillery. And ask Billy ever talked about was his father’s business; how vodka was made, what made vodka the best liquor etc. So she has a bad feeling she knew what Billy’s gift would be.

Finally...

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

When we were kids, my brothers and I would race to put our shoes on every morning.

It always ended in a tie.

Did you hear about the kid who was hospitalized for swallowing six of his plastic toy horses?

The doctor described his condition as stable.

My Dad was a professional magician who performed all the classic illusions. He used to practice the well-known, "Sawing a person in two" trick using us kids.

He always loved to halve his family in the act.

My kids asked me what it's like to be a mother.

So i woke them up at 5am to tell them my sock fell off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not so much a Joke but a Burn from my kids

Dad: I like to do things Old School because its better

Kids: Dad, you are so old, you are the Principal of the Old School

Dad: Ouch....

Why don’t Asian kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

What's the difference between a kid in a time out, and some coffee?

One is naughty, the other is not tea.

My kid recently realized that they were born in the wrong body.

Now, I fully support anything they need to do to feel more like themselves, but I never imagined it would affect my social life like it has. The teachers won’t see me, my friends act like I’m not there. Hell even the mailman hasn’t made a delivery in weeks. I never realized how hard it was to be a t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

My teenage kids complained about how terrible I am as a father!

I'm surprised they remembered me, they were only 3 when I sold them!

What fell to the floor first ... The depressed kid or a leaf???

The leaf cause the boy was left hanging

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

As kids see it

My five year old nephew came home after a fight with his friend swearing never to talk to him again. “Forgive and forget.” I told him “that’s what I do when my friends hurt me. We met the boy a few days later and the two ignored each other. “What is the problem?” I asked

“well” he replied “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

Why didn't Ken and Barbie ever have kids?

Because Ken comes in a different box

3 kids were playing duck duck goose..

When all of a sudden one of them screams "Swan!!". The other two kids said "no no no that's not the game it's duck duck goose Not Swan."
The one kid Screams again "No , Swan!!"
Now frustrated the other two kids yelled "You can't play if you're not going to play it right!"
Now running and ...

Two four-year old kids are whispering…

Two four-year olds are whispering to each other, one says “guess what, I found a condom on the patio”. The other says “what’s a patio”.

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...

he turns into Neil Diamond.

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

French kids are kind..

But German kids are kinder

Kid: Hey Dad, I lost my phone...

Dad: Hang on, I’ll call your number and we can listen for the ring.

Kid: Great idea, but could you call Gramma and ask her to call my phone?

Dad: Why Gramma?

Kid: It’ll come back if boomer rang.

Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs.

If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late.

My kid comes up to me and asks...

Hey mom, if you're sentenced to prison in the court of God, would you need Christian Bale??

What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids?

Cemeteries.

How do you entertain a blind kid?

Give them a sheet of sandpaper and tell them it’s a find a word game

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their kids.

“You all have obsessions,” he observes.

“You,” he says to the first mother, “you're obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.”

He turns to the second mum, “Your obsession is money. It shows in your child's name, Penny”.

He goes to the third mother, “Your ob...

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

So when I was a kid, I was in the Duke TIP program for gifted children. Later on, I applied to Duke University, but was unfortunately denied...

A friend asked me if I made it into Duke, and I said "Just the TIP."

It's been 2 days and it's driving me crazy but I can't remember the name of those small blocks with which kids and adults build stuff.

My wife tells me to Lego of it but I can't.

Today i stole the inhaler of a kid

It was breathtaking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I never understood couples bragging about trying for kids.

You say "yea we have been trying for a child for months now"

I hear "Yea I've been doing HUGE Cum dumps in her pussy for Months. No luck yet"

What's the worst part of having twenty year old kids?

There are 20 of them.

A control freak has 5 kids, how many of them does it take to change a light bulb?

There's no point in trying, none of them can change anything.

Is it okay to start drinking when the kids get to school

or does that make me a bad teacher?

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

Remember Twinkie the Kid? He’s now Twinkie the Adult…

…Onset Diabetes Patient.

Pigmy kids bragging

Most kids brag about how tall their fathers are, but pigmy kids brag about how small their fathers are.

One day three kids are playing when one says, "My dad's only 3'1"."

2nd kid says, "That's nothing. My dad's 2'11"."

The 3rd kid was quiet so they asked, How tall is your dad?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to McDonald's and ate a kid's meal

Boy, that kid's parents were pissed at me

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help...

There's no way the kid could take on all three of us

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 12 year old boy walks into a barber shop

Once he arrives, the barber turns to a customer and says "check this kid out, he's the dumbest person I've ever seen. Here, watch this".

The barber then pulls out a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other. "Hey Johnny, go ahead and pick which amount of money you want".

The...

What did the buffalo say to his kid when he went to college?

Bison

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

As a kid, I really wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up.

But my parents told me the sky's the limit.

Kid: "Santa why do you have such a huge bag?"

Santa: "Cos I Only come once a year"

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...

When I was a child, I was kidnapped by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

My theory in why gordon Ramsey's kids aremt his

Because he doesnt like it raw

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

What do you call a disabled kid with a gun?

Special Forces

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