This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop... Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”

Kid: “...

Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!

Kid: What about Donner?

*A dark countenance settles on Santa’s face*

Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...

The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This no kidding came from my 10 y/o today from his class. 5th Grade

Student #1: was acting rude and obnoxious toward other students in class

My kiddo: "Stop acting rude"

Student #1: "Make me"

Student #2 (a friend of my kiddo): "Your Mom and Dad already made that mistake."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to McDonald's today and ate a kid's meal.

He cried and his mom was pissed.

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18,...

A kid decided to burn his house down.

His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"?

Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.

When I was just a little kid, I used to pray for a bicycle. Then as I grew older I learned in Sunday school, that's not how prayer works.

So I stole a bike...and prayed for forgiveness.

Just wondering, do you think it's ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ?

Or am I just a terrible teacher?

They say that British kids are kind

But German kids are kinder.

To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?

….Gatherer

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is “God is crying”

And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is “probably because of something you did”

How come chinese kids dont belive in santa claus?

Because they're the ones that make the toys.

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it.

Apparently...
She left me two days ago...

Saw a kid riding a bike that looked the same as mine in my neighborhood

I freaked out and went to my garage. Luckily he was still there; chained up and begging for food.

what do you get when you throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptic kids?

a silent disco

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I heard as a kid: “Three ants are sleeping on a beautiful naked woman…

… and the morning after they are debating on who found the better place to sleep.

The first ant says: “My spot was the best! I rested on the soft hills”

The second ant replies: “No, no, mine was the best! I slept in the deep forest”

Then the third ant comes and says: “Well...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve made the decision I’m not going to have kids.

They are gonna be pissed off when I tell them.

My son created a kids safe Godzilla Knock Knock Joke

Son: Knock Knock

Victim: Who's there?

Son: Godzilla

Victim: Godzilla who?

Son: Raaawr! Chomp!

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depress...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked, “Do you know someone called Lisa?” “Nope”, I replied. “You must know somebody called Lisa”, she said. “Actually, that’s the name of my dog who died when I was a young kid. Why?” I replied.

“Because your dead dog just texted you and she fancies a shag tonight!”

I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were.

And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.

A husband and wife and their ten kids are waiting to board the subway.

When the subway arrives, it is nearly full. The husband tells his wife "Honey, you should board this train with the kids, and I'll catch the next train." The wife does so, and the train departs with his wife and ten children.

While waiting for the train, there is an old man with a walker...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of kids from a poor small town...

They are in the 4th grade. They have nothing to do after school so they decide to see who's got the biggest dick. There's a little white boy, black boy, Asian, and a Hispanic. Long story short, they come to the conclusion that the black boy has the biggest dick In the fourth grade. He runs home and ...

When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

I think my family is racist



I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! (I'm just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet)

A joke I created as a kid

What does a hamper eat for breakfast?

Socksages

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

A man boards a plane with six kids.

After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

As a father with 50/50 custody of my kids they are still my responsibility 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Don't know about next week.

I was at McDonald's yesterday eating a kids meal

Until his parents asked me to stop

PSA: Dad-jokes are reserved to be told actual fathers. If you don’t have kids of your own…

Telling a dad-joke would be a Faux Pa

How many adhd kids does take to screw in a light bulb ?

Let's go ride our bikes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

My old man always used to like us kids like he used to like his coffee

grounded

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A classroom of kids were learning all about common English proverbs. (LONG)

The teacher asked if anyone had a proverb they could talk about - the kids all put their hands up, including Little Johhny at the back. But the teacher chose Susie: "What's your story, Susie?"

"Well, Miss, my dad jumped into a creek and broke his leg on a big branch just under the water!"...

What do you call a kid from chernobyl with a broken leg

a glow stick

I have many jokes about rich kids.

Sadly none of them work.

A group of kids on street were calling their friend Johnny trough his window. "Johnny, come out to play!", "I can't, I'm sick." Johnny replied. "what's wrong with you?" kids asked.

I'm f*cking my sister. - said Johnny

Did you hear that Jeffery Dahmer had a kid while in prison?

It was his last meal

Give me your best kids knock-knock jokes!

My 4 year old is a budding comedian, and her new favourite is knock-knock jokes. She keeps asking me for new ones that she can tell to people, but I can't find many good ones that she will understand.

The current go-to's are:

Knock knock -- Who's there? -- Europe! -- Europe who? -- No,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just got a vasectomy. I was looking forward to not having any more kids...

...but when I got home, the fuckers were still there

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

>!But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light! !<

A woman takes her kid to the walk-in clinic.

They're in the waiting room, and the kid gets bored. He starts to flip the pages of a magazine.

A friendly stranger notices, and says to the woman, "Looks like you've got a little bookworm."

"No," she replies, "pinworms."

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

Two kids were outside during winter throwing snowballs at each other,

The snow women found it funny,
The snowmen? Not so much.

My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

Kids

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I ...

A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum

Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?

Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

Swaggering Kid

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone asked me what was my secret to a successful marriage after having kids? I told them it's Vaseline, but not for what you're thinking.

Rub a scoop onto the door handle and the kids can't turn the knob to get into the house.

A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence

She explains what intelligence is and then

Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called stupid. Now how many of you think of yourselves as stupid, stand up.

She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.

Teacher: Do...

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

Having a kid is not worth it

It’s only fun conceptually

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

What happened when the '90s kid saw a disposable camera?

It gave them a flashback!

What sound does a tree make the deaf kid asks

It barks

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

Why don't pirates ever take their kids to see movies?

Because they are all rated ARRRRR

A five year old kid went to his father and asked where did he come from?

The father was taken by surprise but thought maybe the new generation is way more precocious than he thought and one day he will have to tell the kid everything anyway so why not then, so he told him everything honestly. The kid listened to the whole story mesmerized.

In the end the father as...

When I was a kid I was diagnosed as color blind.

It really came out of the purple.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tic-tac-toe is actually bad for kids

It teaches them about the Xs and Os and when someone wins it's either "XXX" or "oh, ohh, OHHH!"

Putin

It was in the news recently that Putin was visiting a school in Moscow to promote the nations power on the world wide stage.
The children were allowed to ask questions before lunch.

Little Alina speaks up and says to Putin...

“I have two questions”

“Why did Russia take Crim...

My kid told me he broke the sound barrier on his bike today.

But it was just a mock mach joke.

When my kid is upset I let her colour my tattoo!

She just needs a shoulder to Crayon

One time as a kid, I took my Dad’s voltmeter without his permission…

I got grounded

I took my kid to the pet store, and he wanted to get a porcupine who had lost all its quills.

I said, “That seems pointless.”

Kid comes home from first day of school.

Kid comes home from first day of school and mom and dad asked him what he learned in a school today.
The little boy responds, "not enough I guess.. they want me to come back tomorrow."

My parents moved a lot when I was a kid

But I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield

Why did the kid with the rash not go on a vacation?

His dermatologist told him to apply the medication locally.

My wife and two kids were driving when we saw a sign that said Watch For Children

Now I have two watches

A mom is driving to the grocery store with her kids

One of her kids say, “Mom why did you name me Rose?”

The mom says, “When you were born and we walked out of the hospital with you a rose landed on your head so I named you Rose.”

Another one of her kids ask, “Mom why did you name me Leaf?”

The mom says, “When you were born an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

Did you ever blow bubbles in the tub when you were a kid?

Because, I saw Bubbles the other day. He's doing well and asked about you.

What’s the difference between an earthquake and a sweaty kid?

One shakes a tower while the other takes a shower... hopefully

If you open a camp to help kids that have ADHD…

Does it count as a concentration camp?

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

What’s a 69?

A young lad doesn’t know what a 69 is, and approaches a hooker and asks what a 69 is.

“C’mon kid, I’ll show you”.
They proceed to her place, where they get undressed.

“Lie on the bed, and I’ll sit on your face “.
As she jumps on, she lets out a great big dirty stinking fart, that...

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

What language do anti vax kids speak in?

Ouija board

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why did the man cum inside the sock

he wanted step kids

What did the anti-vax kid wanna grow up to be?

Alive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid asks for viagra

Little boy w/ diarrhea tells mom he needs Viagra. Mom: Why do you need that?" Boy: Isn't that what you give Dad when his shit wont get hard?

Spanking your own kids is already low

But If You Spank Someone Else's Kid
You've Hit A New Bottom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking through the local park when I was verbally abused by two unruly kids.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..

They say having a kid is a lot of work

But having twins is labor-intensive

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kids keep asking me if can let them play outside now that people are getting vaccinated from the virus…

I have to keep reminding them that they were in the basement before COVID and they’re gonna be in that basement way after COVID.

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

When they're little, your kids should never be stressed out.

They deserve a chance to be "chill"-dren

Two kids from bangkok have a race, who wins?

Its a thai.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.