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Kid Jokes

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A kid tells his teacher "You only teach useless crap!"

She replies "Don't be so hard on yourself."

How many a.d.d kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

What did the buffalo say to his kid when he went off too college?

“I love you son, have a safe trip and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

You hear about the kid who lost the spelling bee on the word "dairy"?

...I told him there's no use crying over misspelled milk.

At the zoo, a kid says to his mother: "mom, look, look, that monkey looks really like my brother".

His mother looked at him and said calmly : "Lower your voice, don't say that, he can hear you".

The kid replied: "Don't worry mom, monkeys don't understand our language".

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus

and unfortunately, so did my parents.

Kids are like farts

You don't mind your own

A married couple with kid gets h*rny...

on a Sunday morning and thinks about how they can have some time to "cuddle". So they tell their son to go stand on the balcony and look if he can see something new going on in the neighbourhood.

So their son stands on the balcony and they get going. After a few minutes he yells: "Dad, dad! T...

What should you do if your kid comes home and you smell marijuana?

Have a joint discussion.

My kid came home and asked if I wanted to hear a dirty joke…

He said: 2 pigs fell in the mud and three came out

When I was a kid 20 years ago, you could go to a convenience store with $5 and come out with what seemed like half of it.

Today you can't, because there are cameras.

Got home from work to find my kid had been on eBay for 5 hours

I’ve already got several bids for him.

Woman asks her friend "How are your kids getting on now?"

"Fine!" Comes the reply. "My oldest boy grew up to be a doctor, the second grew up to be a teacher, and my daughter grew up to be a lawyer!"

"What about your youngest boy? How's he doing?”

"Ah. He grew up to be a thief. He lives at home with us still."

"So you let your three de...

So, I decided to teach my kids about democracy, right?

I was like, 'Alright kids, we're gonna have a vote. We're gonna decide on what show to watch and what food to order.'

And they're excited, they're like, 'Ooh, democracy!'

And I'm like, 'Yeah, this is how it works.'

And then I picked the show and got the food I wanted because ...

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"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.

The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out by Birth Certificate was an asshole."

To the kid who ran away with my oversized coat from the laundromat…

…I hope you grow up.

When Chuck Norris was a kid

His parents slept in his bed when they were scared

There is a French kid at school that just cannot sit still....

he's Oliver DuPlace

Pepito was the dumbest kid in his classroom…

Pepito wasn’t a very bright kid. He often failed his tests and annoyed his teachers. One day, his teacher, Ms.Emily, told him he had one last chance to do well. Pepito took a test, but inevitable failed. Ms.Emily expelled him from school and told him he was the dumbest kid she had ever met. She made...

My kid found a pair of handcuffs in the bedroom, he asked what they were for. I said they were from a stag do. He asked, what's a stag do?

I said it wanders around the forest trying not to get shot.

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My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

My wife said that I always treat my kid unfairly.

I don’t even know which one she means, Tommy, Tina or the fat ugly one.

I have a smart kid. I told him about the birds and bees

And he told me about my wife and the butcher!

I was talking with a man who had 24 kids...

I asked him how come he had so many kids.

He said, "Well, you see, my wife is hard of hearing."

I asked him what that had to do with anything.

He said, "Every night I ask her 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and every night she replies, 'What.'"

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

Kid versus barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

Some people have said that I’m a spoilt and pretentious rich kid that doesn’t have to work, but they don’t know my struggles. For instance I really don’t like my Boss.

I much prefer my Balenciaga, but sometimes I have to wear it to appease mother.

Joke a kid told me today: Why did the rooster go to KFC?

He wanted to see a chicken strip

What do you call someone who had kids before they turned 20?

Poor

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As a kid, i once swallowed two strings…

They both came out together, i shit you knot.

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

What do you call a kid with ADHD who needs glasses?

AD420p

Why can't you tell pirate jokes to kids?

Because they're all ARRRRR rated!

A kid is selling lemonade…

The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1

A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.

The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.

As the construction worker walks away, he t...

[OC] from my 5 year old foster kid tonight: Why did the Chicken cross the road?

To get to the oven slide.

why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa?

They're making all the toys

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

An excited kid rushes home to tell his dad the good news.

He tells his dad he got a part in the school play. The dad congratulates the son and asks what part he got. Son says I’m playing the part of a man who’s been married to the same woman for 25 years. Dad says nice son, just keep at it, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid?

He says hi

My wife said that she would take the kids and leave me if I didn't stop betting on horse racing.

"And they are Offffff!!!!!!!!"

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

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For class today, I brought in a drug addict to show kids the adverse effects of drugs.

This man was a real mess. He would use coffee as a stimulant throughout the day, alcohol to alleviate his anxieties, sweets for his depression, TikTok to get dopamine hits, and shitty TV at night to mindlessly pacify him.

How do you know if you’ve met one of Dolly Parton’s kids?

They have stretch marks around their mouth.

Why did Barbie never have kids?

Because Ken comes in another box.

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Kid born without eyelids.

I just read where a kid was born without eyelids. The doctors have came up with a way to correct the problem, they are going to use his foreskin to make him eyelids. The doctors said that they will work fine and the kid will live a normal life. The only problem is that the kid will be a little cocke...

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Last year I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!

At first I was afraid...

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My dad was so conservative that when I was a kid he wouldn't allow Skittles in the house because they let you taste the rainbow.

And rainbows taste like dick.

After a long discussion and practical evaluation, my wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids...

We’ll be telling them tomorrow, after dinner.

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A kid is running around the house when he runs upstairs and finds his dad shaving in the bathroom.

The dad cuts himself and yells "shit."

The kid asks, "dad, what's shit?"

"Oh it's shaving cream."

The kid says "ok" and runs around again. He goes into the kitchen and his mom is cutting the turkey. She cuts herself with a knife and says "fuck."

The kid asks, "mom, what's...

What would you call a parent who is always worried about their kids?

Parentoid

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Why do idiot drivers always have lots of kids?

Because they never know the right time to pull out.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.

my kid asked if he could buy a chemistry set to make chloroform.

I said sure, knock yourself out.

I was never allowed to see Alien vs. Predator as a kid

The closest I got was watching my uncle rant about immigrants.

What do you call a kid from chernobyl with a broken leg?

a glow stick

A man goes to buy his kid a pet for Christmas.

Once he gets to the store the shopkeeper shows him the usual puppies, kittens and fish. But the man says, "These are all nice, but I want something special for my son."

"Well then," replies the owner, "Do I have the pet for you. Here is a parrot that sings holiday classics."

"How do I...

A fifteen year old kid gets an upright bass and starts to take lessons.

After his first lesson, his dad asks him, "what did you learn today?" "I learned to play the A note." After his second lesson his dad asks again, and he responds "I learned to play the D note." After his third lesson his dad asks again and he responds, "I learned to play the E note." After the fourt...

My kids said they wanted a puppy for Christmas

I'd have opted for ham myself, but anything for the kids I guess.

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A shark was teaching his kid how to eat a human

So the shark told his kid, when you see a human make sure to turn around him one or two times and then you can attack him.
The kid asked: Why should I turn around him and not attacking directly?
The shark dad said: well, they taste better if you scare the absolute crap out of them first.

My friends won't let me babysit their kids because I'm a professional comedian, but why?

I've always done a stand-up job.

Did you ever hear the one about the foster kid who became a genetic engineer specializing in hybrid beans?

He’s still looking for his biological fava.

I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool....

Until this blue kid got me fired.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

Plato didn't have a wife or kids..

Clearly, all his relationships were platonic.

I don't see my wife & kids anymore. It's all due to gambling.

I won the lottery and I moved to Hawai'i

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Kid failing English

A kid is failing English, and the teacher sends multiple notes home requesting to speak with his parents but doesn't get a response. One Saturday, the teacher decides to stop by the kid's house. When she knocks on the door, the kid answers.

Teacher: "Hi, Johnny, can I speak to your mother?"...

People these days think all kids in the 90s listened to boomboxes.

That’s just a stereotype.

How does Ye explain his current problems to his kid?

“North West, I am sorry to say that my career is going south.”

What do a couple that can't have kids say to their surrogate?

Thank you for your cervix

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

remember kids

don't take anyone's advice

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A mother comes home from work to find her kids hiding behind the couch. She asks them what’s wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Annie was in the house naked.

She walks into her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet, she discovers the...

what did every super hero need as a kid?

Supervision

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My mom washed and combed my hair every day when I was a kid. I used to think it was so sweet and now I am horrified by it...

All those years, she was grooming me
Sick bitch...

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A teacher comes up to a kid eating a snickers bar for lunch

He asks the kid if he thinks eating snickers is a healthy option for lunch.

The kid says "My grandma lived to be 102"

The teacher replies "wow. That's amazing. Did she eat Snickers for lunch every day?"

The kid says "No. She minded her own fucking business"

What do parents feeding their kids and terrorist have in common?

“Here comes the airplane!”

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Kids

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

"You can’t do that," argued my four-year-old.

"Don’t worry. Santa will never know."

He shot me a loo...

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”

What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

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Salesman of The Year Award.

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. ...

I saw a kid crying alone and asked where his parents was. He continued crying louder.

Anyways, working at the orphanage is fun.

A blonde girl excitedly arrives home from school.

“Mommy Mommy, all the other kids can only count to 4, but I counted all the way to 10! Is it because I'm blonde Mommy?”

“Yes dear, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The girl returns home the following day even more ecstatic.

“Mommy mommy! When we dressed for gym class, all the oth...

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A kid comes home from the prom and takes his father aside and brags that he just experienced his first blowjob.

The kid's father, beaming, asks his son if he enjoyed it. The kid says "I loved it. But not a big fan of the taste."

My kids and grandkids are constantly telling me that I have a terrible memory, and I’m fed up!

If this keeps up, there’ll be no eggs under the tree this Xmas!

Why can't an Asian couple have a white kid?

Because two Wong's don't make a white

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Two little kids.....

aged six and eight, decide it’s time to learn how to swear. So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, “Okay, you say ‘ass’ and I’ll say ‘hell.’”

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they’d like for breakfast. “Aw, hell,” says the eight-y...

There's a hotel that still has an elevator operator, to prevent people from doing graffiti in it, or kids from jumping in it.

A man who's on vacation talks to the elevator guy whenever he rides the elevator, and they get to know each other pretty well.

When he's leaving the hotel at the end of his vacation, the elevator operator notices his suitcases and says "Goodbye son" and the man replies "you're not my father"...

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A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

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When I was a kid, we were so poor

I had to jack off the dog to feed the cat.

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even

There was a farmer who had three daughters

All of his 3 daughters were going on their first dates that same evening. Being protective of them, he decided to meet their suitors at the front door with his gun.

So the first suitor arrived and told the farmer: "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" T...

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Three rottweilers at the vet

So Three Rottweilers are at the vet in the waiting room, to be seen. They are looking at each other with curiosity.

One finally talks to one of them and asks, what are you doing here?

The other explains to him, that he was lying quietly in the sun in the front garden when the postman ...

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A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane

The man felt bored so he decided to talk to the kid. So he turned to him and asked “How about we talk for a bit?”

Then the kid replied “ok so what do we talk about”

The man (clearly wanting to make fun of the kid) replies “How about nuclear power?”

The kid then catches on to the...

I don't get Halloween. It's perfectly fine for kids to go to strangers homes and ask for candy.

But I go driving around in my van offering kids candy, I get reported to the police!

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Woman cheats on her husband

A woman is cheating on her husband and her husband comes home early. In a panic her lover hides in the closet. While hiding in the closet he hears a voice "Sure is dark in here."

The man panics and turns and finds a little boy. "What're you doing in here?"

"I like hiding, what were you...

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop…

Kid: I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.”

Worker: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate

Kid: Ok, make it a scoop of raspberry and a scoop of chocolate

Worker: Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?

Kid: Sure. V-A-N

Worker: Can you spell t...

What did the kid say when he saw the invisible man pee?

Urine visible!

Dave Grohl’s kid: Dad, these cakes you made for the school fundraiser are great, but we’re one short.

Dave Grohl: I’VE GOT ANOTHER CONFECTION TO MAKE!

A kid is getting ready for prom.

He goes to a boutique to buy a suit, and after he finds one he likes, he realizes that the line is very long. He really likes the suit, though, so he waits for a while and then leaves with his purchase. Next, he goes to a flower shop to get his date a bouquet, and the line there is very long as well...

Dark humor is like kids with cancer

They never get old.

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma.

Unfortunately, that didn't impress anyone at the cremation...

Did you hear that Herschel Walker tried to run over some kids and was arrested attempted vehicular manslaughter

In fairness, there was a sign "Drive like your kids live here".

A boy is jumping up and down on a big box in the middle of the city street yelling "16!"

Most people are just walking right past the kid, but an old man stops and says to him "boy, what are you doing?"

The boy says to him "you gotta try this! It's so much fun!"

The old man says "that doesn't look like fun"

The boy says "trust me, it is, c'mon just try real quick"...

What do rich people say when tickling their little kids?

Gucci, Gucci, Gucci.

I think my family is racist

I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

A jock and a rich kid walk into a bar

They bond over how easily they got into college and how little they'll contribute to society after they graduate.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.

Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

My 6-year-old kid ruined my brand new iPhone, so I'm selling it for a very fair price.

Just don't give him peanuts, he's allergic to them.

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Life Lessons in the Outback

Bruce has been lost in the Australian Outback for three days and the combination of heat, exhaustion and thirst is close to killing him.

Unable to take another step, he collapses face first in the dirt, ready to meet his maker.

Unexpectedly he wakes to find himself staring into the fac...

When I was a kid, I once stayed up all night to see where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

A lot a people say I'm a terrible father because I feed the kids frozen food all the time

They're wrong, I heat it up first.

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An Amish kid has a medical issue...

An Amish kid has a medical issue that necessitates a hospital visit in the big city. The family travels to the big city for the very first time, and the mother heads to the check-in desk at the hospital.

Meantime the father and son see a metal door on a wall. An elderly woman on crutches push...

A woman with five kids went to a dentist to have a tooth removed

The woman said "Doc, I must admit i've been DREADING this. I'd just as soon have another baby before I'd have a tooth pulled!"

The dentist said "Well, make up your mind- i have to adjust the chair."

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

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So this kid dressed like a pirate goes Trick Or Treating...

A lady answers the door and says "My! What a big buccaneer!" He replies "Oh yeah! Well you gotta big fuckin' head lady!"

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

I remember seeing Bruce Jenner on Wheaties boxes as a kid and wanting to be him.

Apparently he looked at Wheaties boxes and wanted to be Mary Lou Retton

My dad was such a proud union member his whole life …

When I was a kid, he began every story with “Once upon a time-and-a-half …”

Boebert asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?" "Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

Then Boebert said, "I might be stupid, but I know how many one is."

Why did the kid with thick glasses go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted to get adult super vision.

We were so poor when I was a kid…

I thought the teachers were rich

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

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Kid goes into funeral business

A kid from Pennsylvania's gone to Chicago to study the funeral business with Frank E. Campbell, the world's most renowned mortician, and he calls home.


He says, "Pop, you wouldn't believe how exciting it is working with Frank E. Campbell. It's unbelievable."


His father sa...

Which one touches the ground faster, a feather or an emo kid?

The feather cuz the emo kid’s attached to a rope…

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A mom walks into her son's room one morning...

Mom: "Wake up, or you'll be late for school."

Son: "I don't want to go to school today!"

M: "Why not?"

S: "Because all the kids hate me!"

M: "But you have to go."

S: "But all the teachers hate me too!!!"

M: "Oh, for crying out loud. Get up! You're 45 year...

Once a kid goes to a church with her mother

The kid says to her mother " Mommy I want to pee! ". The mother says " do not say pee inside the church, it is inappropriate! If you ever want to pee, say that you want to whisper!". Next Sunday, she goes to church with her father. She then says "Daddy I want to whisper". Her father says " Alright H...

My neighbor always tells me he was the coolest kid in grade 6

Today I found out he was the only kid in his class with a driver's license and a mustache

How do you tell if someone has kids?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

the joke is originally in persian but i think it works in english too

kid:"hey mom are you adding carrots to that soup?"

mom:"yeah, i know you dont like carrots but dont worry, you wont taste the carrot at all"

kid:"then why do you add carrots?"

mom:"because it makes it tastier"

What do people in Seattle call a group of little kids dressed as ghosts for Halloween?

A micro-boo-ery!

Happy Halloween :)

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Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

What did the ghost mom say to the ghost kid?

It’s tough being apparent.

A kid in my school did a project on the history of rocket science.

It was a blast to the past

I always felt proud when my mum told people that of all her kids, I was her easiest pregnancy and birth.

Then I turned 21 and found out that I was adopted.

I told my kid to not open the door for anyone while I’m not home

Now I’m stuck outside

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

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