My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty badly

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US...

... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..

At least he likes one thing raw.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

There was a kid in our class named Ed who always drank soda so we called him Fizz Ed

We later shortened it to Jim.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kids should not run with scissors

And lesbians should not scissor with the runs

Why are vaccinated kids more likely to have autism?

Because the ones that aren't are dead.

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

​

It's cake day : )

Edit: thanks for my first silver kind stranger!
A Gold also! Thank you very much!

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it ea...

Why didn’t the antivaxx kid get any upvotes.

Because he died in new.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

My jokes are like anti vax kids

They never make it past new

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'.

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all t...

How come Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?

Because they’re the one who make the toys.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was never constipated as a kid

My dad would regularly beat the shit out of me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At school PE was my favorite class, probably cause I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking kids with my towel, laughing at their little knobs...

Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching.

Why was the unvaccinated kid crying ?

He was having a mid-life crisis.

Today a 12 yo kid came to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?"

I can't believe it. Kids nowadays are so polite.

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid gets on the bus and sits right behind the driver every day.

After getting seated the child would play a game. He would always think of a new animal and say
"if my mommy was a shark and my daddy was a shark, I would be a little shark"
"If my mommy was a lizard and my daddy was a lizard, i would be a little lizard!"

He would keep going until he d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

-

"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

-

The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Kid Comes Home From School

He tells his father his mathematics teacher wants to see him. His father asks why and kid says "well he asked me what is 6x7 and i said 42 then he asked me what is 7x6 and i said what the fuck is the difference?" his father says "ok i will visit your teacher when i have time.".

&#x200B;<...

A diabetic kid died during the night.

His mother wished him "sweet dreams" before sleep.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches

Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Husband: *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are

What's common between anti-vaxx kids and this joke?

Both are going to die in new.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled

I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."

I help blind kids

Verb, not adjective

When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend

but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.

If a deaf kid swears in sign language,

does his mom wash his hands with soap?

Why did the fat kid drop his ice cream cone?

Because he got hit by a bus

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years ol...

Why did the kid cross the road?

He forgot to buckle his seatbelt

A kid walk into a library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.

Librarian replies, "Hard back?"

The kid, Yea, with little heads.

My kids treat me like a god.

They only talk to me when they need something.

My kid has a weight problem, but the doctor says he will outgrow it.

He should. He outgrew everything else!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

If a group of anti-vaxx kids play spin the bottle

Is it considered a mass suicide?

I didn't vaccinate my five kids

and both of them turned out fine.

"Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"

"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

what's worse then three kids in a dumpster...

One kid in three dumpsters

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was the dyslexic kid kicked out of the movie theater?

He kept asking where to buy cop porn.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid asks his mom, "How was I born?"

The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and s...

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench ehen a kid strolls by

Priest: Hey, we should screw that kid.

Rabbi: Out of what?

My kid asked me what he should get his Mom (my ex) for Mother's Day. I said how about something she can use in the bath?

....like a toaster!

So I brought a P30 to school, and kids made fun of me for it not being an Apple product

I told my mom and she said "Its ok son, we will upgrade you to a P80 so you do not get made fun off"

I then P80 to school, yet they still made fun of me for it not being an Apple product.

But they won't make fun of me when I bring my P90...

Why was the Jewish kid who transferred to the catholic school suddenly so good at math?

He saw the guy stapled to the plus sign and knew they meant business

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Does anyone have any good jokes about anti-vax kids?

I love these because they never get old.

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

I overheard some kids saying they were planning on doing a shooting at my old highschool.

I went over and told them I used to go there. I said i figured I'd save them some time and show them the best areas to do the shooting.

Afterward they thanked me but asked perplexed why i would help them.

I said "Just thought I could help some up and coming film makers. Us artists gott...

Anti-vaxx parents don’t raise kids

They lower coffins

Hey kids, what are you supposed to say if a stranger offers you drugs?

You say "thank you," because drugs are expensive.

A kid decides to burn his house down

His parents just manage to get out as flames engulf the house and they see the kid across the road, looking delighted. The dad wraps his arms around his wife, tears welling up in their eyes, and says ‘that’s arson’.

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

My Kids are such over achievers

They even get the extra chromosome

A Jewish kid asks his dad for $5...

"$4?! What do you need $3 for?"

I think that anti-vaxxers kids should be able to read the facts and be able to decide if they want to vaccinated or not

The only problem is they never get old enough to read.

Why does Santa Claus not have any kids?

Mrs. Claus doesn’t like the North Pole

-Doctor, i don't want to vaccinate my kids, what should i do?

-Don't get too emotionally attached

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid

One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"

Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don’t have to be?

Because it’s sad when a dog dies.

A dentist shoots a kid doing a fortnite dance.

"You're bleeding because you were flossing"

A kid asks his mom:

- Mom, what’s dark humor?
- Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap
- Mom! I'm blind....
- Exactly.

A clever way of telling if your kids asleep.

A man tells his kid,
“You beep when you sleep.”
The dad ends up convincing his kid that he actually beeps when he sleeps.
The next night the dad peeked into his kids room to see if he was asleep.
*beep*
*beep*
*beep*
Now his kid makes beep noises when he ...

Why is ordering a pizza harder than having a kid?

You can't accidentally order a pizza

When I was a kid, I used to hate gym class.

I hated the whole locker room; I was never comfortable taking off my clothes in front of other young boys.

Now that I'm a priest, I don't mind so much.

A regular kid and an anti-vaxx kid were at a haunted house.

A man with a chainsaw begins to run at them, but only the normal kid runs.

Why, you may ask?

Well, I'd like to see you try to run while in a coffin.

Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids?

You gotta be alive to have autism.

Kid comes back from school crying

Kid: mom, the mean kids at school called me hairy. What do i do?



Mom: MARIO, THE DOG IS TALKING AGAIN!!

Someone asked me what I thought about Sour Patch Kids...

My opinion of them is bittersweet

My unvaccinated kid is a speed runner!

He speed ran life in 3 years!

Why did my wife not take the kids?

Because she is not Karen (caring) enough.

When I was a kid a piece of bubble gum used to cost a penny. You know what happened?

Inflation.

What game do unvaccinated kids play in the pool?

Marco Polio

When I was a kid, my parents used to give me 10c and I would have to go down to the shop. I would get a pack of Potato’s, a bunch of bananas, 5 loafs of bread and a bottle of beer.

But of course, you can’t do that anymore as most stores have security cameras.

Why are unvaccinated kids always crying?

They're having a midlife crisis

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

What does an Anti-Vax kid and a Vegan Cat have in common

They're both doomed to die

Why can't you see an anti-vaxx kid going high school?

Because they're dead.

How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her as a kid?

*They left the plunger IN the toilet*

Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

I bought my kid a theremin for Christmas

She hasn't touched it

I was on school and a custodian said to some random kid...

"If stupidity was music you would be an orchestra"

Did you hear about the kid who always kept a drawing pin in his pocket during self-defense class?

Apparently he had heard that a tack is the best form of defense.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some kids are cool... Other kids are hot...

But I’m in the fucking middle being damn room temperature

Where do you find missing kids?

On the back of a milk carton.

Why did the kid drop his Icecream?

Because he got hit by a train while crossing the rails.
#staybehindtheyellowline

A kid falls into a well.

After a few hours, a man walks by and hears shouting. He walks over to the well and yells "Is somebody down there?"

"Yes, please help me!"

"Okay, I called 911 and they're on the way. How old are you? What's it like down there?"

"I'm 14 and this is deep!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was getting a lot of abuse from two kids at a supermarket.

So the guy says to the mother are they twins? Mother replies how the fuck can they be twins, one is 9 and the other one is 6 the guy replies, well I didn't think anyone could fuck you twice...

Guys hate it when you refer to one of their kids as “The Hot One”.

My uncle does, at least.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My kid asked me “Dad, where did we come from?”

Well I decided that if he starts asking these questions he’s old enough for the sex talk, So I explained everything to him, Better hear it from me than anybody else, After I was done I asked “So what made you ask this question?”

He said” Well my friend James said his family came here from Ire...

I was supposed to be teaching origami to kids but I had to leave halfway through

I guess you could say that I folded

What do you call killing kids in Fortnite?

E-Bortion.

There was a battle between a fork and a spoon at a kid’s birthday party.

The fork won, it was a piece of cake.

Happy cake day to me I guess

I had a vasectomy so I won't have kids

But when I got home, they were still there.

Anti-vaxx kids are so down to earth

Hell, some are even in the earth!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dad is driving with his 5 year old kid. The kid sees a prostitute

"Who's that lady, daddy?" Asks the kid

"She's uhh... a saleswoman"

"What does she sell?"

"Uhh... Happiness"

When they get home the kid takes all of his money from his piggy bank and goes to the prostitute.

"Hi i want to buy some happiness"

The prostitute loo...

Why shouldn't the corn dog & the pig in a blanket have kids together?

They're both inbred.

What’s the difference between kids and speed bumps?

I slow down for speed bumps.

I had my appendix taken out when I was a kid. They said it was useless,

but based on my life since then, I'm guessing it controls motivation.

I helped a kid with cancer one time

He wanted me to unplug his life support machine

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kid asks his Grandpa about Slavery

A kid goes to his grandpa and asks him about slavery

Kid: Grandpa does slavery still exist today?

Grandpa: Slavery exists all over the world on almost every continent in the world.

Kid: I know in North America that black people used to be enslaved but theres no way that the acqu...

Kids look under the bed before going to sleep to check there is no monster.

Monsters check there's no Chuck Norris

If Albert Finney and Christopher Walken had a kid, he'd have quite a strut.

Cuz he'd be Walken Finney.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kids can be savage...

This literally just happened a few minutes ago. I work at a school and this one girl was wearing a tee shirt that said "Future Trophy Wife". She was going to some effort to make sure other kids noticed the funny shirt she wore.
Eventually, another student shouted "WHAT KIND OF TROPHY? PARTICIPA...

What do antivax kids and dad jokes have in common?

They're both short-lived.

My wife and kids always look through the window all sad and angry when it rains

Maybe I should let them in

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m gonna name my kid Jesus Christ

Cause it will be a miracle if anyone ever has sex with me

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

I truly believe having kids is a full-time job.

And I don’t bring work home with me.

What does antivaxxer kids and Jehovahs Witnesses have in common?

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They don't have birthdays

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- “Susan?”

- “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!”

- “Very good. What about you, Johnny?”

- “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”