UPJOKE
babychildyoungstertykekidskinpreschoolertoddlerjollytikekiddycodbairnurchinwaifjuvenile

When a kid says

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

A kid is selling lemonade…

The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1

A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.

The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.

As the construction worker walks away, he t...

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop... Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”

Kid: “...

What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school

Mum bai

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

I help blind kids

Verb, not adjective

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kid: "Mum, what's an orgasm?"

Mum: "I dunno, ask your Dad...."

How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid that she and Kanye were separating?

“North, my relationship with West has gone south.”

Dumbest kid in the world...

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes ...

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

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One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times.
It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he...

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

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“Fucking kids are expensive”, I said

“Is”, my lawyer replied.

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

90's kids won't get this 😂😂

Affordable housing prices

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US...

... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..

At least he likes one thing raw.

You know you’re a 90s kid when...

your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

A married couple with kid gets h*rny...

on a Sunday morning and thinks about how they can have some time to "cuddle". So they tell their son to go stand on the balcony and look if he can see something new going on in the neighbourhood.

So their son stands on the balcony and they get going. After a few minutes he yells: "Dad, dad! T...

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

Only 1300's kids will get this..

The Black Plague

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it ea...

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

Titles of books you probably don't want your kid to read.

"You're Different and That's Bad."

"Why cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Socket be Friends?"

"Let's Find and Play With Mommy and Daddy's Toys."

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

90s kids won't get this . . .

Social Security benefits.

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

You know who really gives kids a bad name?

Elon Musk

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

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Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

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A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane

The man felt bored so he decided to talk to the kid. So he turned to him and asked “How about we talk for a bit?”

Then the kid replied “ok so what do we talk about”

The man (clearly wanting to make fun of the kid) replies “How about nuclear power?”

The kid then catches on to the...

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18,...

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend

But it was just my imaginasian.

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids.

But when I came back home, they were still there.

My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty badly

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDr...

The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

If you open a camp to help kids with ADHD

Is it a concentration camp?

American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"?

Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid

The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

My kid came home and asked if I wanted to hear a dirty joke…

He said: 2 pigs fell in the mud and three came out

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A kid tells his teacher "You only teach useless crap!"

She replies "Don't be so hard on yourself."

How many a.d.d kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

What’s worse than finding out Santa isn’t real as a kid?

Finding out your parents are broke.

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

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I stole a stripper's kid.

It was like taking baby from a Candi.

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

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A cop sees a kid on the playground playing with poop and sand

He goes up to him and asks, "What are you doing, kid?". The kid says, "Making a policeman".
The cop loses his mind, gives the kid a beating and sends him home.
The next day the cop sees the same kid in the same spot, playing with poop and sand.
He asks, "What are you doing?". The kid ...

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

Because he only comes once a year, and it's down a chimney!

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

Why did Barbie never have kids?

Because Ken comes in another box.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids

We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

Kid: what does a condom do?

Dad: nothing, apparently.

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

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There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.

The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

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A kid asks his Dad "what does 'gay' mean?"

The father says "It means 'to be happy." The son asks "Are you gay?" The father says "No, son. I have a wife."

True story: My wife told me after our first kid

“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

Kids are like farts...

I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

Woman asks her friend "How are your kids getting on now?"

"Fine!" Comes the reply. "My oldest boy grew up to be a doctor, the second grew up to be a teacher, and my daughter grew up to be a lawyer!"

"What about your youngest boy? How's he doing?”

"Ah. He grew up to be a thief. He lives at home with us still."

"So you let your three de...

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes.

Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his b...

I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even

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A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school...

A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school he attends.

His parents try putting him in Jewish schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in public school. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Montessori schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Military s...

What do you call a kid who finally stood up to the bullies?

An ambulance.

A kid comes home from school...

... and so excitedly tells his dad: "Daddy, daddy the teacher asked a question at school today and I was the only one who answered it!"

His father replies: "Congratulations, I am so proud of you! ... But what was the question?

Son: "Who broke the damn window...."

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

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A kid is a painting prodigy.

He draws a 100 dollar bill on the floor of the classroom; his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up, and calls his father.

In the parent teacher meeting she complains from the kid and explains what happened, the father replies:
"You got lucky! at home he drew a vagina on the power ...

KID : What are condoms used for?

DAD : To avoid such questions.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

A man was walking his kid home from the park when the kid suddenly noticed two dogs humping...

"dad,"the kid asks."what are those two dogs doing over there?"his dad thinks real quick,"well son, isn't it obvious. That one dog obviously broke his leg and the other one is helping him home."the kid fires back,"wouldn't you know it Dad. You go to help a friend out like that and all he does is f***...

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

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Kid with Chicken Wire

This kid is walking down the street with a spool of chicken wire. He passes an old black man sitting on his porch. The man looks at him and says "Where you goin' with that there chicken wire, boy."
The kid says "I'm going to get some chickens."
The old man says "You can't catch no chickens wit...

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma

Unfortunately, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation...

Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

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A kid is asking his father:

"Dad, can I have a bike please?"
The father look at him and answer: "Well, it depends my son."
"Depends on what?"
"Does your dick touch your ass?" The father asks.
"Hummmmm no?"
"Then you can't have a bike!"

Few years later, the same kid is now a teenager and he start asking hi...

Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.
Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...

My friend just came to me all depressed because his kid’s failing 3rd grade, and he doesn’t know how to break it to him.

Apparently “slowly” wasn’t the advice he was looking for.

Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"

A kid asks his mom:

- Mom, what’s dark humor?
- Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap
- Mom! I'm blind....
- Exactly.

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A kid goes to the zoo with his mom one day

They come to the Elephant enclosure. The Elephant is horny for some reason and his dick is fully erect. It catches kid's attention

Kid: *pointing to Elephants dick* - Mom, what is that?

Mom: It's...oh...its nothing. Let's move on.

*Comes with dad a few days later and they stop...

What do dead kids and jokes about dead kids have in common?

They never get old.

Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him Sudden Lee.

What do you call an emo kid in Hawaii

A tropical depression

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is “God is crying”

And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is “probably because of something you did”

A woman goes on a business trip overseas, leaving her husband behind to look after the house and kids.

After a few days she calls up to see how everything is.

"Everything's fine" he says. "The kids are finally sleeping OK without you here, and my boss has given me an extra week off until you're back. Oh! I forgot to say, the cat's dead! She was hit by a car!"

"What!?" Says the wife. "A...

My wife and I don't want any kids

My kids are upset about that decision.

So there's this one kid at a costume party and the host ask what he was dressed up as. The kid told him that he dressed up as a harp, and the host told him that his costume is too small to be a harp.

The kid then said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"

A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."

Back in middle school a kid in my class stole my mood ring.

I still don't know how I feel about it.

Pepito was the dumbest kid in his classroom…

Pepito wasn’t a very bright kid. He often failed his tests and annoyed his teachers. One day, his teacher, Ms.Emily, told him he had one last chance to do well. Pepito took a test, but inevitable failed. Ms.Emily expelled him from school and told him he was the dumbest kid she had ever met. She made...

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

First kid: What's your Mom's and Dad's names?

First kid: What's your Mom's and Dad's names?

Second kid: Laughing and Smiling

First kid: You're Kidding

Second kid: No, that's my sister. I'm Joking.

Did you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia?

He sold his soul to Santa.

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A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating

He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded.

"Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too."

"But... Why, daddy?"




"Because my hands are starting to ache"

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A black kid pulls the flour over his head.

A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Da...

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus

and unfortunately, so did my parents.

A kid walks into a bar...

Good thing they only had baby teeth

When I was a kid...

... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

A kid asked his dad..

Kid: Dad, what is an alcoholic?
Dad: You see these 4 cars, an alcoholic would see 8 cars.
Kid: But there are only 2 cars.

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'.

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all t...

When I was a kid, my dad used to show me all kinds of pain

He was a French baker.

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

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Are your kids twins?

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman...

A young kid came upto me and said "Can I please have a cigarette?" I was astonished.

Kids these days have such great manners

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