UPJOKE
babychildyoungstertykepreschoolertoddlerjollycodurchinwaifjuvenileinfantbambinooffspringchild prodigy

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even

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A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane

The man felt bored so he decided to talk to the kid. So he turned to him and asked “How about we talk for a bit?”

Then the kid replied “ok so what do we talk about”

The man (clearly wanting to make fun of the kid) replies “How about nuclear power?”

The kid then catches on to the...

My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hey let’s go ride our bikes!

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

Kid says to mom “when I grow up I wanna be a drummer!”

Mom says “you can’t do both!”

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly...

"Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

a trans kid,

a trans child came out to their dad, " hey dad.... im trans" the kid was worried of what their dad would think, being in a strict family, the dad responded "oh no, that makes me a trans-parent"





sorry its my first joke

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When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer

it never gets old

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A kid goes to the shops with his mum...

A kid goes to the shops with his mum.  He has always wondered about the female anatomy,  so he peers under the skirt of a mannequin. But unfortunately,  his mum sees him doing it.  


Whack! She smacks him over the head.  


"What are you doing,  you dirty little boy? There's nothi...

When I was a kid, I goofed around with my dad’s coffee maker before he got done cleaning it.

I managed to get myself grounded.

I ate a kid’s meal at McDonalds yesterday.

I have to say, his mother sure overreacted.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

I saw this kid crying today, so I asked him where his parents were

I couldn’t tell what he was saying though. It was hard to hear over the other kids in the orphanage

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"Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin"

"Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop"

My son accidentally invented the end-all-be-all of kid jokes

Knock knock

\-- Who's there?

Chicken

\-- Chicken who?

Chicken from across the road

Our kid is always saying, “I want to be Batman!” or “I wanna be Spider-Man!”

So we dropped him off at the orphanage.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"



A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."<...

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Why did the kid throw a stick of butter out the window?

To see butter-fly

My neighbor's kid asked me what dark humor was...

So I told him to go over to the guy with no hands and tell him to clap. Then he said to me "I'm blind, so how do I know where he is?" And I said "Exactly."

Anyway, any visual comedy to him is dark humor.

I went to Disneyland as a kid

But it made alot of the other parents nervous so they made me change

Kid walks into a police station.

kid walks into a police station, goes up to the most wanted wall.
Cop: "Hi can i help you?"
kid: "why are these people on the wall"
popo: "We have to catch them they're bad"
kid: "Why didn't you catch them when you took the picture?"

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says

"I have two questions: Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Uk...

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop... Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”

Kid: “...

Kid : Mom, what's dark humour

Mom : Do you see that man without arms over in that corner? Tell him to clap.

Kid : Mom!!! I'm blind

Mom : Exactly

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa

Because they make the gifts

I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids

I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids.

Unfortunately when I got home they were still there.

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

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When I was a little boy, I accidentally walked in on my step dad as he was getting out of the shower and I saw his dick. Let me tell you, It. Was. Huge. Guy was swinging a hammer! And then I thought what every kid thinks when he sees something like that.

"I wish this guy was my real Dad..."

I want to name my kid History

Then I will teach them to say every sentence twice.
When other people get confused, they will come and ask me why my child is saying everything twice.
I'll answer, "You know, because History always repeats itself."

Did you hear about the kid who bungie jumped from the school's flag pole?

He was suspended

I like kids

They taste the best when fried properly

To a geologist, what's the difference between rocks and a kid?

If you date a kid, you get sent to jail

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

What do unpaid internships have in common with raising kids?

You get paid in experience.
And you get a “family”.

Mom ! Mom ! The mean kids keep saying I have big ears !

"Oh really ? I'll talk to them. Where are they ?"

"In the next town over !"

My kids told me they want a cat for Christmas

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

An Asian kid asks his mom

“Mom, what does “an Apple a day keeps the doctors away” mean?”

Mom says, “ah, my dear son, it means that if you play games on your Apple phone everyday, you will never get your PhD”

Kids are born with 4 kidneys.

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.

***Thomas, Jane or the fat and ugly one?***

A kid brought a ladder to school today.

Apparently, he wanted higher education.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?

Names.

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A kid and his grandfather are sitting in the living room together

Grandma leaves to go to the grocery store "You boys behave.", she says.


Grandpa stands up once she leaves and says "Well I'm gonna grab a beer and enjoy myself now."


The grandson looks at him and asks "Hey Grandpa, can I maybe have a beer?"


Grandpa says "Well, ...

An old joke I was told by my mother as a kid

In a small town in Italy, there was a church with a priest that was known over the entire country for his strong beliefs in Jesus.

One day a huge flood came into the village. all the people climbed onto the roofs of their houses and waited for boats.

The Priest hid on the roof of the c...

What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

Neither of them can see their parents

Why doesn’t Amber Heard have kids?

She knows how to use a Johnny

What's the Difference Between Will Smith and Kid Rock?

People remember Will Smith's last hit.

Smart kid

A young, attractive first-year teacher was standing at the front of her class presenting a lesson to her fifth graders when she noticed Mikey wasn't paying attention. In an effort to engage him, she called on him and asked him a simple math question, "If there are three rabbits in the yard and you s...

A kid comes home from school…

…He runs to his mother with tears in his eyes.

“Mom, mom!” he cries, “The kids at school were calling me a hired assassin today!”

His mother looks at him and says: “Don’t worry, son. Tomorrow I’ll swing by the school and settle things.”

“Alright mom,” the child says, “but make i...

A policeman stops a young rich kid driving a porche.

Policeman - please get out of the car.

Rich kid- you'll regret this. Do you know who my father is?

Policeman - why? Your mother didn't tell you?

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

I still remember when my mum used to tuck me in as a kid....

She really wanted a daughter!

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

What did the mom say when her kid asked her to explain an eclipse?

No son

What do you call a kid thats afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.



Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

Two kids from Bangkok have a race, who wins?

It's a Thai.

When I was a kid, my family used to move a lot.

But I always found them.

I just called a bouncy house place for my kids birthday party...

We got one larger than last year but the guy quoted us 50% higher cost.

I asked him whats up with the price.

He said, blame inflation.

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When I was a kid my mum walked in on me masturbating

A little later she had send my dad up to talk to me about it.

"So your mum told me you were, you know... Touching yourself down there - and, ergh... Don't do that son, it'll male your eyes go bad"

I said: "I'm over here dad"

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

A young couple decided that they didn't want kids and everyone was fine with it.

Except for their kids.

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18,...

Two city kids take a road trip

Two city kids are taking a road trip deep into the countryside. After a long day of driving, they manage to find a diner, way out in the farmland, and decide to get dinner.

To their amazement, the restaurant is run entirely by cattle. The fry cook is a longhorn. A Holstein takes their order ...

The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

They weren't kidding when they said kids were expensive..

I was finally able to pay off my car loan after I sold my newborn.

My kid asked if we are a bunch of pyromaniacs

I said, "yes, we arson."

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I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today

His parents were pissed.

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How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who the fuck cares, let them cry in the dark.

When I was a kid some guy said he slept with my mom last night. I told him he was a liar, cos I slept with my mom last night.

Looking back, I now realize what I said

A kid went to Sunday school for the first time.

The teacher asked each of them how their parents had taught them to pray at home.

When asked the kid said, 'I don't know, but I've heard Ma praying a couple of times'.

The teacher asked him to demonstrate, upon which the kid started screaming 'OH GOD YES! OH GOD DON'T STOP! YES, OH GOD...

What did the dad say after his kid wet the bed?

Oh, boy, urine trouble.

Some kids broke into Twycross zoo and threw a penguin into the lion's den

It was total carnage. They couldn't even get the wrapper off!

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A kid walks into his parent’s room

He sees that his mom and dad are fucking.
He asks his dad “ Dad, what are you doing ? “
The Dad says “ I’m getting you a new baby brother or sister by doing it like this…”
The kid replies “ But I don’t want a baby brother or sister, can you do it doggystyle so i can get a pet instead ? “

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When I was a kid a genie asked me if I would rather have a long penis or a long memory

I forget what I chose.

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A teacher asks the kids if they can use the word contagious in a sentence.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says "I had a cold last week and my Mummy said I couldn't go play because I was contagious."

Little Billy raises his hand and says "My Daddy saw our neighbour trying to paint his fence with a one inch brush, he said that'll take the Cunt Ages"

Did you hear about the coniferous Ent who carried the entire E Street Band to a 13 year old Make A Wish kid?

It's all over the newspapers – "SPRUCE BRINGS TEEN CONCERT"

So I was teaching a church Sunday school class this morning and asked the kids what they know about resurrection. Only one child raised her hand and said...

***"I don't know what it is but I know that if it lasts for more than four hours then you should call a doctor"***

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When I was a kid my penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.

The librarian told me to take it out.

My kid’s favourite

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Europe

Europe who?

No, you’re a poo!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one – and let the other one off.

When I was a kid, the best boombox brands you could buy were JVC, Aiwa, and Panasonic.

..but those are just old stereotypes.

American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"?

Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.

What did the goose say to his wife and kids when he spotted a hunter?

Let's get the flock out of here!

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!

The student has become the teacher.

A woman goes to the library and whispers to the librarian, "Where can I find a book about restarting your love life after having kids?"

The librarian points to an aisle and whispers back, "Non-Friction."

Kid tragically fell under a steam roller

The poor child was squashed to death as a steam roller ran over him. Fortunately some one knew who he was and where he lived. A police officer said he would drive to the child’s address to break the bad news. Sadly there was no reply so the police officer did the next best thing. He slid the kid und...

"You have 3 kids, and they're all behaving so well!"

That's because I used to have 4.

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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said,

“I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” asked Grandpa.

“$10.00 a pill,” answered the son.

...

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah that's cool and all, but not really a super power..."
<...

Brand new kid-approved koala joke

My kids think this dad joke is genius and so do I.

Q. What do you call a koala that really loves Chicken & Stars?

>!A. A MORE-SOUP-ial. !<

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

My wife and I decided we only want one kid.

Now we just need to figure out a way to let the other one know she has to go.

Mom asks, "Are you going to take me out to a restaurant for Mother's Day?"

Kid replies, "We have food at home"

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A kid was born with no eye lids

And the parents ask the doctor what could he do to fix him. The doctor examined the child and saw that he was a boy. The doctor smiled and told the parents they are in luck! Why is that the mom asks? Because I can take some of your babies foreskin and fashion eye lids. The dad asked if there would b...

Dad : I donated all your toys to the orphanage kid : why

Dad : so you'll have something to play with when I take you there

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."


She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she ...

3 kids

A mother has 3 kids.


The first kid goes up to her mom and says,
"Mommy, why I am I named petal?"


The mom responds, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."


The second child goes up to her mom and says, "Why am I named Rose?"


Th...

Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!

Kid: What about Donner?

*A dark countenance settles on Santa’s face*

Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...

To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?

….Gatherer

When I was a kid I wanted to be a fantasy writer

So when I became an adult I joined the UN's security council.

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I saw a man beating the shit out of a little kid, so I stopped to help

The kid didn't stand a chance

Got home today from work to find all my kids have been on eBay all day..

If they are still there tomorrow, I'm lowering the starting price...

why did elementary school kids ask their Hispanic janitor about Chinese currency?

Because it takes Juan to know Yuan!

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is “God is crying”

And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is “probably because of something you did”

What do you call a British kid that can't divide?

A DISGRACE TO HIS ANCESTORS.

Kids orbit their parents like moons.

It's why they can't see their dark sides.

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The cop and the kid

A cop walks around a playground and sees a kid playing in the sandbox. He goes up to the kid and asks:


"What are you making there?”


"A cop!"


"And what are you making him from?"


"Sand, water and shit!"


The cop gets super angry and gives the kid a...

Nowadays kids have it so easy. When I was their age, I had nothing but $3 in my pocket. So, what did I do?

I bought a house, started a family, and put the remaining 75 cents into a savings account for emergencies.

A poor little kid was playing on her own near a big mansion.

She was completely naked. Suddenly, a man came out of the house and gave her $200 and said, "Please, buy some clothes with this."

The little kid got super excited and ran back to her mother and showed her the money. The woman thought, "Wow, they gave a kid $200 for clothes! If I stand there n...

Son: Mom, do you think the kids at school will pick on me?

Mom: Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would you say that?

I’ve been teaching my kid to fall forward…

Because his teacher said he will repeat the grade if he continues to fall behind.

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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

A man boards a plane with his 6 kids. After they sit down, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over and asks "Are these your kids?"

The man replies, saying "No. I work for a condom company. These are all just my customer complaints."

A multi-millionaire was riding in his SUV when he saw a lady eating grass

A millionaire was riding in his SUV when he saw a lady eating grass in a pasture near the road. Perturbed, he stopped his car and got out to check on her. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked her.

“I am very poor and do not have any money, so I have to eat grass“ the lady replied.

"...

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