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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

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Just got a vasectomy. I was looking forward to not having any more kids...

...but when I got home, the fuckers were still there

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

Spanking your own kids is already low

But If You Spank Someone Else's Kid
You've Hit A New Bottom

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Two kids in a trench coat walk into a bar

Two kids in a trench coat walk into a bar trying to get served and the bartender doesnt notice and serves them a beer.

The bartender then makes his way to the other end of the bar where two regulars are having a heated debate. One regular says "my dick is so big my wife calls it 'knowledge' c...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

Kid : " What are condoms used for?"

Dad : " To avoid such questions. "

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...

he turns into Neil Diamond.

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

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A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their kids.

“You all have obsessions,” he observes.

“You,” he says to the first mother, “you're obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.”

He turns to the second mum, “Your obsession is money. It shows in your child's name, Penny”.

He goes to the third mother, “Your ob...

Is it okay to start drinking when the kids get to school

or does that make me a bad teacher?

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I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

How do you entertain a blind kid?

Give them a sheet of sandpaper and tell them it’s a find a word game

What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids?

Cemeteries.

Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs.

If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late.

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I never understood couples bragging about trying for kids.

You say "yea we have been trying for a child for months now"

I hear "Yea I've been doing HUGE Cum dumps in her pussy for Months. No luck yet"

I ate a kid's meal at the McDonald's today.

The parents called the manager.

My theory in why gordon Ramsey's kids aremt his

Because he doesnt like it raw

As a kid I got no respect , I played hide and seek

They wouldn't even look for me

American kids are kind...

But German kids are kinder

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Two kids are watching their parents get ready for a family get together…

They overhear the mom and dad talking and they hear them say “that judgy cunt and pompous asshole” while the parents are talking in their bedroom. They ask, what does judgy cunt and pompous asshole mean? The mom, surprised and unaware to their presence, says, “oh never mind that sweethearts, that’s ...

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Obese kid

An elderly man was out for a leisurely walk in the park one day, when he came upon a morbidly obese kid sitting on a park bench.

The kid was steadily shoveling candy in his mouth and washing it down with soda. There was a huge pile of candy wrappers on the ground around him.

The old ...

Did you hear the one about the little kid with aids?

It never gets old.

I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help...

There's no way the kid could take on all three of us

Mama and Papa did not let me listen to classical or jazz music as a kid.

Too much sax and violins, apparently.

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A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

As a kid, I really wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up.

But my parents told me the sky's the limit.

Three kids ask their mom about their unusual names.

The first kid asks, “Why am I named Kitchen Table?” His mom says, “Well sweetie, when you were born the car was out of gas and we couldn’t get to the hospital, so you were born on the kitchen table.”

The second kid asks, “Why am I named Backseat?” Her mom says, “Well honey, when *you* were bo...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

I was at the park watching over my kid as he played when

a lady sits next to the bench I’m on and looks at me suspiciously, then asks, “Which ones yours?”

Blinking, I replied, “I dunno, still choosing...”

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

I can see myself getting married, buying a house and having kids but

getting a tattoo? That is a real commitment.

What do you call a disabled kid with a gun?

Special Forces

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

People who vaccinate their kids are crazy!

Hell no, I didn’t vaccinate my son! Are you out of your mind!? I had a doctor do it!

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only Weird if you say it backwards.

As a kid growing up I'd always get bullied, every morning they'd spit in my food and call me names.

Man, I hated being home schooled.

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

When I was a kid I used to think I was The Messiah.

Every time my dad said something, it started with "Jesus Christ!".

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A group of primary school kids, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Randwick races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the uri...

When I was a kid, for Christmas I asked for something to wear and something to play with ..

So my father gave me a pair of sweatpants and cut the pockets out.

I can’t remember if I had a Dalmatian or leopard when I was a kid.

Either way, my memory of my pet is kinda spotty.

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

Did you blow bubbles as a kid?

Well, just so you know, he is back in town for the weekend and was asking for your number.

What do you call a emo kid on vacation?

A Tropical Depression

Kid: Dad, I need to fix my bike tire, it's flat. Dad: Kiddo, you need a henway for that. Kid: What's a henway?

About three pounds.


(read outloud)

Why did the kid in the wheelchair get bullied?

He was easy to push around

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I've been looking for a puppy for my kids. We've looked at havapoos, cockapoos, multipoos, yorkipoos, pomapoos, and shihpoos.

We can't find a doesn't poo.

When I was a kid I threw a boomerang, it didn't come back

It isn't a bad life I'm living, but it is a life in ongoing fear.

I’m so busy with Covid and homeschool that I forgot to drain the kids mac & cheese.

Next time I'll set a Google Colander reminder...

My parents moved a lot when I was a kid.

But I always found them.

There were 30 students but only 28 chicken nuggets. How many kids didn’t get nuggets?

Ten. Why? Because only twenty ate chicken nuggets.

A kid went to his father and asked, "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this nice girl.”

Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on...

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With the arrest for child pornography yesterday, at least Josh Duggar will be remembered for 19 kids and counting...

For the tv show he made in the past, and coincidentally the number of videos found so far on his hard drive.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit."

At the court: Please, have mercy! I have a wife and 3 kids!

I am sorry Mr. Brown, but you have served the sentence and paid your debt, you are free now.

A doctor is weighing kids in Ethiopia.

"40 kg, pretty good, send the next class"

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
>“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve a...

When your kid say “no I don’t want dad i want mummy....

It’s the first step to “I want to speak to the manager”

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

TIFU by spraying some neighborhood kids who were biking in front of my yard with my hose

Turned out I pulled out my gun.

I tell old dad jokes to my kids.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fshhhhhh

Just like kids all over the world, I sometimes played “doctor” with other inquisitive children

As an American, I’m still paying the bills.

One of my favourite jokes as a kid, for my cake day

An Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman are all traveling together. It's late, and they've found a hotel to sleep at. However, when they try to book rooms, they find that the hotel is nearly fully booked.
"I'm sorry," says the receptionist. "We only have 3 beds left, and they're all very uncomfort...

I opened up a summer camp for kids with adhd.

Although I regret calling it a concentration camp.

My kids just read this on a popsicle stick. What do you feed a disapearing cat?

Evaporated milk

A Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him "Sudden Lee"

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said,

"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

When I was young I was friends with a kid with cancer for a few months.

I was his friend for life.

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Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

Ugly Kid

You're so ugly, when you were born, your mum said, "what a treasure!" and your dad said, "Yeah. Let's Bury it!"

I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left...

...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys.

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Never date a llama that has kids

You don’t need the baby llama drama

What do you call a kid with one leg and an eyepatch?

Names.

Jokes my grandpa told me when I was a kid.

A man goes duck hunting and spends two days without seeing a duck. On the third day he finally sees one and shoots it. The duck wounded tries to fly away. It lands in a farmer's yard, hits the barn roof, and falls off.
The hunter tries to sneak over the fence. As he gets close to the duck, he se...

Kids that don’t grow up in the US are lucky...

Instead of Fruit by the Foot, they get Fruit by the Meter!

What does a 90’s kid get when they see a disposable camera?

a flashback

I hate that parents keep asking me to watch After My Kids

I've looked it up a dozen times, and there is no such movie/show with that name.

An 8 year old girl went to work with her father on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they where walking around the office the young girl started to cry. Her father asked what was wrong. As a crowd gathered around her she sobbed ''Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

I’ve decided I don’t want to get married or have kids

I thought my family would be supportive of my decision, but my wife and kids did not take it well

What's an Anti-Vaxxer kids favorite game?

Half Life

I’m like a cat when it comes to kids

I don’t really enjoy the product

But I love playing with the box it came out of.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!

"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife,

Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"

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Genius Kid

An old man is sitting out on his deck one day when he sees a young boy walking down the road with a roll of duct tape under his arm.


"Where are you going?" asks the old man

"To catch some ducks" says the kid

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape" replies the old man.
...

What will happen if an 110lb kid is jogging at 4mph, and a 3000lb car hits him at a constant speed of 55mph?

He gets hit by the truck, and is severely injured.



So anyways I lost my license today

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You kids have it easy with your convenient music streaming services and your smartphones. When we were teenagers, if we wanted to listen to an album by our favourite Australian alt rockers, we had to download it from Napster and put it on a CD ourselves.

We were burning the Midnight Oil.

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?

He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

What does women breast and Disney land have in common?

They are made for kids but adults enjoy them!

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

My kid’s pet rabbit Gotye went missing a week ago.

Now it’s just some bunny that we used to know.

Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.

Normally we have turkey, but ok...

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

The kids at the Easter egg hunt were wondering why I was pouring concrete into the eggs.

Then it hit them.

2 kids are sitting in a hospital...

The first one is clearly nervous, so the second says “hey man, you ok?”

“Yeah, it’s just that my family just converted to Judaism and my parents brought me here to get circumcised.”

“Oh man that sucks!” replies the other kid. “I was circumcised when I was a week old and I couldn’t walk...

My wife asked if our kids were spoilt?

I said, "I think most them smelt that way."

A kid's dog is going to die in three weeks...

"Don't be sad, son," says the kid's dad. "Benjy wouldn't want you to be sad. He would want you to remember all the good times you had together." "Really?" asks the kid. "Tell you what son," says the dad, "on the last week, we can throw a party. For Benjy and you." "Can I invite all my friends?" asks...

So there's this one kid at a costume party and the host ask what he was dressed up as. The kid told him that he dressed up as a harp, and the host told him that his costume is too small to be a harp.

The kid then said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"

Vaccinating your kid is like banning fire from a gas station

A good idea

I went to high school with a kid names Stains

The class wouldn’t stop laughing when the teacher said “Come Stains, in my office”

What is a good slogan for an abortion clinic?

Don’t kid yourself

What did the orphan kid say when he was riding his bike?

Look hands, no mum..

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

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My kid got sent home from school one day.

They said he was catching bees and throwing them at other kids. So I sat him down and had a chat. I said, "Son, you can't be doing that, obviously it's not ok to throw bees at people, they could get stung and what happens if someone has an allergic reaction? How would you feel if that happened?" A...

I won’t vaccinate my kids.

I’ll leave that to a professional.

Why did kids get more easter egg chocolates than usual this year?

It was due to the rabbit eggonomic growth.

Dad: What's the opposite of ladyfingers?

Kids : no idea



Dad : mentos

A man boards a plane with six kids

After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No, I work for a condom company, these are customer complaints."

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a we...

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