When a kid says

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about Blue...

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

Kids get back into the classroom after playing at recess

and the teacher says, “who can tell me what they did at recess?” Sally raises her hand and says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That sounds like fun, Sally! If you can correctly spell sand, I will give you a cookie, replied the teacher.

“Sand, S.A.N.D. Sand” said Sally with a smile.

“Cor...

how many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

hey let’s go ride our bikes

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

A man had a 5 year old kid who is still yet to talk.

Then one day the kid talked and said "uncle". Next day his uncle died. A week later he said "aunt". Next day his aunt died. A week later he said "dad". Next day their neighbor died.

When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.

You hear about the Italian kid born without any arms?

Poor kid never learned to talk.

I constantly tell dad jokes even though I have no kids...

...Guess that's what they call a faux pa.

A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick

A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick.

Perplexed, the first kid asks his mother "Mom, why did you named me Drop?"

And she says: "Because when you were born, a little drop fell in your head..."

The second kid asks: "Mom, why did you named me Feather?"

She...

Why did the kid cross the road?

Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

What's the quiet kids' favourite bird?

The desert eagle.

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

When I was a kid, you could go in a store with 10 dollars and get out with a new ball, 4 milk jugs, a shirt and a pair of shoes.

Nowadays you can't. There are security cameras everywhere.

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 4yo kid?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall from a window.

Two kids go to a sauna

When they are inside they see a fat man and one of the kids asks: "why is your belly so big?"
the man smiles and then replies: "because there is a bomb inside." Then the other kid takes a good look at the man and says to his friend in a scared voice: "we need to go right now."
The first kid re...

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn’t afford a dog.

I love hearing jokes about anti-vax kids

They never get old.

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

Why did the four year old anti vax kid cry?

Because he was in his midlife crisis.

A kid goes off to the army and comes back home after basic training.

He's having a chat with his dad about his experience, telling him how it went.

"So the first thing they do was have me run 15 miles. It was brutal. I had to have my fatigues on and carry my provisions. The drill sergeant said if we didn't do that we had to run 30 Miles the next day."

"...

why can’t blind kids eat fish?

because it’s sea food

(ready for the downvotes)

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Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear???

Because he wanted to give it a wax job.

My dad thinks this will go viral. I disagree.

Whats the difference between cancer and kids

Kids are easy to beat.

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A little kid goes goes fishing with his grandfather

When they get to the fishing spot the grandfather lights a cigarette. The little boy asks “can I have one of those”. The grandfather takes a drag and asks “Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole”? The kid immediately says “No” and the grandfather says “then you’re not old enough for these”....

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

Kids' antics are like Donald Trump.

You thought you've seen it all, but it never fails to surprise you.

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

I asked a kid "What does your dad do as a job?"

He responded by saying "Beats me"

Why didn’t Barbie have any kids?

Because Ken always came in a different box.

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The Kid's Betting Habits

A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits, so went up to school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him," she suggested. That night after school she asked the boy to stay behind and confronted...

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

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A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

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So there's this kid named Jackson . . .

Jackson is about to have his first day of kindergarten.

He knows his name. He's like 5 or 6, or whatever age kindergartners are. They all know their names. That's important.

So Jackson goes into his class. His parents drop him off or whatever. Class starts and the teacher starts doing ...

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

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There is a school for kids with superpowers, but the new kid is different from everybody else

A kid asked him

"What's your power?"

The new kid responds

"I can predict the past."

"That's memory you fucking dumbass."

Kids are like farts...

You can only tolerate your own.

What does an antivaxxer's kid say when he plays marco polo?

"Marco!"
"Polio"
Just kidding he died of measles

My wife and I decided after 13 years of being married we aren’t going to have kids.

We’re still trying to figure out how exactly to break the news to them

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

what's the difference between drugs and kids?

people acctually want drugs

Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys

My wife thinks I care more about gambling than our kids.

That isn't true at all. I am going to stay in this casino until I win our son's tuition back to prove it.

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

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A yamen jew is sitting the the living room and his kids starts complaining

Dadd... I'm hot!

ok my child sit next to the air conditioner

a few moments pass and the child complains again...

Daaaad! I'm still hot!

Ok ok my child, sit closer to the air conditioner



after a few seconds the child complains again.

Daaad! Daad! I am...

I started a camp for kids with ADHD but nobody showed up.

I guess calling it Concentration Camp was a bad idea.

How many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb?

so.. um, wanna play basketball?

What do you call all the high school kids who haven’t been able to go to school because of Covid-19?

Quaranteens.

What do you call a kid with one arm, one leg and one eye?

Names

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop...

Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.”

Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gim...

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

I always carry pictures of my wife and kids in my wallet

It reminds me why no money is in there

If an apple and an emo kid fall off a tree what hits the ground first?

The apple bc the rope caught the emo kid

As two kids left the store, one of them suddenly realized that they had put something in there pocket.

It was a toy from Disney's The Jungle Book. One of them wanted to just confess to it. but the other said.



Confess!? Are you out of your mind? Do you know what they do to people like us? Were not talking about some dumb mail-fraud scheme or hijacking here...



WE STOLE A B...

I kid names Josey was a sleep in Sunday school

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" Th...

Ive been playing uno with my kids for 50 years now.

I finally dropped my reverse card and now they have to change my diapers.

How does Santa want to deal with naughty kids.....

He wants to sleigh them.

I have a couple jokes about kids,

But my uncle keeps taking them.

My friend keeps beating kids in games

It's fine and all except the game is "Who punches harder?"

Why did the dyslexic kid push his brother out of the window?

He wanted to see Tim fly.

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..

All that before they even left the house!

A kid was talking with his mother.

He says : Mom i've seen Dad with maid doing.......

His mom shushed him and said wait till the dad comes home.

When his dad comes home, the mother asks her kid, Yes son what were you saying.

Kid Says : Mom i've seen dad with maid doing the same thing the neighbor does to you whe...

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My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna cum laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.

He said that his son showed the bouncer his older brother's drivers license.

Kids are so annoying

Buyer’s remorse.

Did you ever blow bubbles when you were a kid?

He’s back in town and wants your number.

My wife used to wrestle before we had kids

Now you should see her box

While visiting California, I took my kids to a lot of wineries.

I don’t understand why they’re still complaining

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What if I tell you there is a way to stop all the kids in the school making fun of you because you are still a virgin?

Just start giving them bad grades.

When I was a kid

When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

I volunteered to help blind kids today.

That’s a verb not an adjective, by the way.

Russian karate kid be like:

Smirn on, Smirn off. Smirn on, Smirn off...

It seems that my kids move at the speed of light

Because when they throw a '5 min' tantrum, it last forever

What do you call a hooker's kid?

A brothel sprout

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

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I told my wife that having kids had made our love life a little bland. She laughed, grabbed a peach from the kitchen, seductively ate the flesh, and masturbated with the pit.

Mother fucking hard core.

What do you call the kid who stands up to the bullies?

An ambulance

A kid asked his mom “Mom, what’s sperm?”

The mom then think for a while and respond :
“It’s baby when they are not born yet.”

The kid’s birthday came and when he was about to blow out the candle, he yelled :

“I wish mom had more sperm in her belly.”

I've decided not to have any kids....

The kids are taking it pretty bad !!

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Are your kids twins?

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman...

What did the buffalo said to his kid when he dropped him off to school?

Bison.

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

This ones for the kids: What did the bee say to the flower?

Hey bud!

an occupation of a kid

Mother: You can't imagine how many times I have to call him before he finally comes to me. I wonder what will he do for a living when he grows up...
Father: a waiter?

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An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at suns...

A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him...

The driver says "get in the car".

The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking.

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!"

The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it."

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!"
...

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When I was a little kid my father told me that I'm gonna be like Isaac Newton

How the fuck did he know that I'm gonna die virgin?

I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense

He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence.

I thought 'Chicken Run' was supposed to be a kids film.

But it's full of fowl language.

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox

the cat kept covering me
up.

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

While driving my car, I accidentally ran over a kid carrying a cymbal...

Ba dum, Tsss.

I was sending letters to a kid with cancer

I told him, "the road ahead will be filled with bumps and dips, but soon, it'll straighten out." no one noticed I was talking about his heart rate monitor.

How old is a Hong Kong kid born in 1997?

Today is his 50th birthday.

My parents moved a lot when I was a kid...

..but I always found 'em.

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Pete writes a letter to Santa the day before Christmas. It says: "Dear Santa, please be so kind and give me 100$, I was a good kid this year and we are very poor".

He posts it and waits patiently. The next day one of tha mailmen opens it and reads the letter. He feels really sorry for the kid knowing he won't get the money.

The postman talks to other colleagues and they feel sorry for the poor kid too. They manage to assemble 50$ only. Although it's not...

I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.

When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."

A four year kid is being rushed to the hospital with coughing,high fever, vomiting and a searing headache.

The doctor meets him and takes him to do examinations. First,he needs to know what's the worst. He asks "Ben,can you tell me what's bothers you the most?"
He replies: "I'd have to say my little sister".

Sending kids back to school at this time will make them over educated but dead inside.

I mean we already have millenials.

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I have kids in my basement but its not what you think.

They're in their 30's and Christ! I wish they leave.

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So there was this five year old kid at my clinic yesterday

The kid said, 'I want to be an astrophysicist one day!'

To which I replied, 'I don't think that's going to happen.'

His mother, horrified asked, 'Is he going to die?'

'No, he's just a fucking idiot.'

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila

"You're coming home now!" she screamed.

"No, I'm not," I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

My wife and I decided to stop having kids...

I haven’t bought condoms in a while and I was surprised of find a years supply for such a reasonable price.

Pack of 3 for $3.69. Super-sensitive too.

Here's a joke that only 1300's kids would get

The Bubonic plague

What does a dad bison say when he drops his kid off at school?

Bi son

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

A teacher was trying to find out where each of the kids thought they were at in their learning.

The teacher was standing at the front of the class and said “stand up if you think you are stupid.” There was a long gap and then Johnny stood up. The teacher the. asked “why do you feel stupid Johnny?” Johnny then replied “ I don’t I just felt bad that you were the only one standing up.”

They gave me the ‘most illiterate kid in school’ award

I was so upset that I couldn’t even read my speech

Why don’t Jedi parents let their kids use the Force at the dinner table?

Like any other parents, they believe children should not be Force-fed.

Roasted this kid in my class today

Didn't taste so good.

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

Kid vs Barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

Some punk kids threw a baseball through the lower half of my window, and then jumped through an entire other window to get it!

Let me tell you, it was a pane and a half to replace.

I was at a party and an old buddy of mine offered me cocaine. I said, "Buddy, I'm a father of three young kids..."



..."of course I'll do some."

An English kid and Russian kid were examining a beehive together.

English kid: See that one? We call that the Queen because it is the leader of the hive, just like the Queen is the leader of our country.

Russian kid: We call it the czar.

English kid: Well that’s a little bee czar.

There was once a man who had 100 kids.

There was once a man who had 100 kids. He was not a creative man, so he named the kids after the number of their birth. One of his kids, 90, had a few kids when he grew older. One day, they found a dog on the road. They took him in, and named him This. This was a very good and well behaved dog. “Dad...

My mom told me: “Finish your peas, there’re starving kids in China”

I said: “Oh yeah? Name 10”

As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

"When I was a kid, my mother would send me down to the corner store with a dollar-

and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and half a dozen eggs. You can't do that now. Too damn many security cameras."

Did you hear about that kid that got overwhelmed and burst into tears when his parents threw him a huge Thor themed 6th birthday party?

He wanted something a little more Loki.

There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted was to see."

His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest,your prayers will be answered."

So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep.

He wakes up half way through the night and realises that the night ...

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When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.

Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.

My wife and I don't want any kids

My kids are upset about that decision.

The US government should use ICE to ensure kids are going to school this fall

They have a pretty good track record of separating kids from their families

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