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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

Boy: Mommy! I don't like my little brother!

Mom: Shut up and keep eating.

Mommy, mommy, may I play with grandpa again tomorrow?

No, dear, it's time he finally gets buried.

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The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher re...

“Mommy, why did you name me rose?”

“Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head. So we names you rose.”

“Is that why little brother is named leaf?”

“Yes, it is”

“Blaaaarghhhh-ddsdbbbb-beeebbbleeee”

“Shut up brick”

Girl: Look mommy, my (you know what) is growing hair!

Mom: That's okay, it's natural that we grow hair on our monkeys!
Girl: Look sister, I'm growing hair on my monkey!
Sister: That's nothing, my monkeys already eating bananas!

"Mommy! Mommy! Little Johnny pulled down his pants and showed me his thingy!"

"Oh? That's... *weird*. Well, what did you think of it?"

"It reminded me of a peanut!"

"Ha ha! Because it was so tiny?"

"No. Salty."

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

Son:Mommy tell me something that would make me both happy and sad at the same time

Mom:The whole Avengers cast is coming to visit you next week

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank ...

“Mommy, why is Grandpa running in zigzags?”

“Don’t question it, child. Just reload.”

"Mommy, Mommy" joke

Child: Mommy, Mommy! I'm running around in circles!

Mother: Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

Son: what’s a Canadian, mommy?

Mom: it's an un-armed North American with health insurance, honey.

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

"Mommy! Why were you bouncing on daddy's belly last night?"

Little Timmy's mom was taken aback by his question

"Erm.. I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat . Bouncing keeps him skinny"

"That's not going to work!", Timmy replied back

"Why not?"

"Because babysitter Tina keeps blowing him back up again!"

-Mommy, the dogs are f*cking!

-Then do not look there!

-But it hurts!

Mommy, why do I get Christmas presents in August?

Mom: They are cheaper than chemotherapy.

-Mommy, was I planned?

-Ask your father
-What father?
-Exactly

Daughter: Can I lick the bowl, Mommy?

Mother: No you little freak, get back in there and flush like everyone else.

Two tuna fish passing by a submarine. Big Tuna Mommy says:

Don’t be scared little Tuna, these are canned humans.

-I read this joke when I was five. I still think it’s funny. -

Is Mommy Near the Phone?

The phone rings, a little girl picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Mike.”

After a brief pause, the father says, “But honey, you haven’t got an uncle Mike.”

“Oh yes I do, he’s ups...

"Mommy?" little Johnny asks, "who is your favorite child?"

His mom replies: "Johnny, you know I can't answer this. I don't have a favorite child."

"But mommy," Johnny says, "I am your only child."

Mommy, mommy why do our family members keep dying so fast?

Mommy?

Mommy, i want a bicycle !!

Shut up Sam! You’ve already have your wheelchair!

"Mommy, mommy, I don't want to go to Europe!"

"Shut up and keep swimming."

I once knew a bunch of these. How many do you know?

Another one: "Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and keep eating."

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly last night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

You think you've had a bad day?

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers ...

Three young friends, lil' droplet, lil' feather and lil' brick ask their mothers about how they got their names...

Lil' droplet went up to her mother and asked, "Mommy, why is my name Lil' droplet?"

And so, Lil droplet's mother answered, "Well, it's because a little water droplet fell on your head the moment you were born."

Of course, Lil' droplet went off with glee, happy with the answer.

T...

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus

I used to think that song meant Mommy was cheating on Daddy. Now I know it means Mommy and Daddy are just into role play.

A mommy mole, daddy mole, and baby mole are together in their burrow

Mommy mole sticks her head out and sniffs the air. She asks, "What's that smell? Is it brown sugar?"

Daddy mole sticks his head out to sniff around, "No I don't think so. Smells like vanilla to me."

The baby mole still in the burrow says "I don't know what you guys are talking about. ...

What did the baby corn say to mommy corn, when she couldn't find her father?

"Where's popcorn?"

"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"

"I have no idea, Someoneyourownsize"

Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning!

Sweetie, the christmas tree is lit, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now lit too!

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Family conversation.

Dad: Say, daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say, daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Fuck you, say, daddy!

Baby: Fuck you, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I'm home!

Baby: Fuck you!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a bitch.

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmothe...

Son: Mommy, will you give me a dollar if if behave?

Mother: Why can't you be good for nothing like your father?

"Mommy, can we humans suck the light?"

"Of course not, silly!"

"Then why daddy told my babysitter yesterday: *"Turn the light off and suck it"*?"

Goodnight mommy! goodnight daddy!

Little Timmy: Goodnight mom! Goodnight dad! Goodnight grandma! BYE grandpa!
(the next day, grandpa died)



A week later...

Little Timmy: Goodnight mom! Goodnight dad! BYE grandma!
(grandma died the morning after)



Another week passed by...

Little Timmy:...

Mommy mommy I dont wanna see grandma!

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

I asked my parents for a baby brother or sister this Christmas

My dad said he'll see if the baby making machine in his room still works.

 

Mommy has been screaming 'yes' all night so I think it's working

Mommy! I don’t want to sleep with grandma anymore

Honey I already told you we don’t have enough money to bury her.

"Mommy, why are you pushing the car over the cliff?"

"Be quiet Timmy!", retorts the mother "You'll wake up Daddy!"

A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."

There are five cows on a farm, one mommy cow and four baby calves.

The first baby walks up to the mom and asks: "Mom, why is my name Rose?" The mom replies: "Well, honey, when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."

The second calf comes up. "Mom, why is my name Lily?" The mom replies: "When you were born, sweetheart, a lily petal fell on your head."<...

Oh johnny..

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the sa...

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

What do you get when you combine a mommy and a daddy?

I don't know, but my dad said it's a mistake.

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when...

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

“Mommy, could you please make me a sandwich?”

“Don’t call me “mommy” just because I slept with your father!”

“So what am I supposed to call you?”

“Just call me Steve, like everybody else.”

A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"

Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."

Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!

His first words were "I'll be dead in 4 days, mommy will be dead in 7 days and daddy will be dead in 13 days"

Well, the kid was right.

Four days passed and he died, seven days and hia mother died...
His father, knowing he'd be dead soon, spent all his money and sold everything he had.

Thirteen days passed and his neighbor died.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replies, "The stork brings them." Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, “Then who fucks the stork?”

Little Johnny comes to momma and says: "Mommy, I want a dog."

"No way!" says the mother. "Dogs are dirty, messy, leave hair everywhere and smell!"
Johnny says again: "I want a dog!"
Mother: "I already said there won't be any dog here. Wish anything else."
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and then says: "Fair enough, mom. I wanna play mother and a fat...

Mommy mommy! Daddy hanged himself in the living room!

*mom rushes to the living room*

Kid: Haha! April fools! He did it in the attic!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Mommy takes little johnny to the zoo..

As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mommy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.
A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"
"...

A little buffalo ask his dad, "How come you kiss uncle Steve the same way you kissed mommy?"

"I'm Bison".

Daddy what is a transvestite?

"Daddy what is a transvestite?"

"Ask Mommy, he knows."

“Mommy, can you make me a sandwich?”

“First, you can make you your own freaking sandwich. And second, you don’t have to call me 'Mommy' just because I’m sleeping with your father.”

“But, but ... what should I call you?”

“Thomas is fine.”

Mommy, why is daddy bald?

"Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"

The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked

"is that why you have a lot of hair?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good-bye Daddy

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know dad...

A young man gets sent to jail...

A young man gets sent to jail, and gets put into jail cell with a convict with the size of the incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk. "Let's play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?"

Thinking quickly , the man says "Daddy."

"Then come up here and suc...

"Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all the scabs that were on your arms?"

"Shut up and eat your cornflakes."

"Mommy, mommy! Little Johnny pulled out his thingy and showed it to me in the tree house!"

Sally's mother gasped, but didn't want to embarrass her. "Well, what did you think?" she asked.

"It reminded me of a peanut."

"You mean it was small?" her mother chuckled.

"No!" said Sally. "It was salty!"

My mommy used to warn me that there could be creepy people on the internet. But I'm not afraid anymore...

Now that I'm on reddit I'm one of those people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny: Mommy, what's a transsexual?

Mom: I think you should ask Aunt Dave that question.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy asked his mommy 'Mommy, what's that big hairy thing between your legs?'

The mother replied, 'It's daddy now close the fucking bedroom door!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Clever son!

Father: Which one do you love more , me or Mommy?
Son: I love you both.
Father: Very Well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to?
Son: Japan.
Father: See, that you love Mommy more than me?
Son: No, I just want to visit Japan.
Father: Very...

Jimmy: "mommy mommy, at school they tell me that I don't pay attention to detail..."

woman: "jimmy, your house is two doors down"

5 year old: Mommy, do you know how long a tooth paste tube lasts?

Mother: No honey?

5 year old: 2 laps around the TV table, and one around the couch

"Daddy, why don't you kiss me the way you kiss mommy?"

"Because I love mommy."

"Mommy, why is my backpack so heavy?"

Allahu Akbar, honey.

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Mommy, is daddy tall?

Yes dear. He is rather tall.

Is daddy wrecked?

Wrecked? No. What are you talking about honey?

I heard you tell Aunt Sarah that Daddy was getting a "wrecked tall exam". With "Conan Oscar P." Who's that?

No dear. I said dad was getting a "rectal exam", it's called a "col...

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