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The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher re...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 5 yr old son was playing in the garden and sees 2 spiders. He asks me "is that a mommy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?"...

"No son, there is no mommy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer until he stomps on both spiders saying "we'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden anymore"

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

I hate when Mommy and Daddy get drunk and start fights.

They are both way bigger than me and there are two of them. It's not fair.

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

-Mommy, the dogs are f*cking!

-Then do not look there!

-But it hurts!

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

Mommy, why do I get Christmas presents in August?

Mom: They are cheaper than chemotherapy.

Two tuna fish passing by a submarine. Big Tuna Mommy says:

Don’t be scared little Tuna, these are canned humans.

-I read this joke when I was five. I still think it’s funny. -

Daughter: Can I lick the bowl, Mommy?

Mother: No you little freak, get back in there and flush like everyone else.

Son: what’s a Canadian, mommy?

Mom: it's an un-armed North American with health insurance, honey.

"Mommy! Why were you bouncing on daddy's belly last night?"

Little Timmy's mom was taken aback by his question

"Erm.. I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat . Bouncing keeps him skinny"

"That's not going to work!", Timmy replied back

"Why not?"

"Because babysitter Tina keeps blowing him back up again!"

"Mommy?" little Johnny asks, "who is your favorite child?"

His mom replies: "Johnny, you know I can't answer this. I don't have a favorite child."

"But mommy," Johnny says, "I am your only child."

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Who’s got it better??

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.
Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”
The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A whi...

Mommy, i want a bicycle !!

Shut up Sam! You’ve already have your wheelchair!

"Mommy, mommy, I don't want to go to Europe!"

"Shut up and keep swimming."

I once knew a bunch of these. How many do you know?

Another one: "Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and keep eating."

Mommy, mommy why do our family members keep dying so fast?

Mommy?

Is Mommy Near the Phone?

The phone rings, a little girl picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Mike.”

After a brief pause, the father says, “But honey, you haven’t got an uncle Mike.”

“Oh yes I do, he’s ups...

Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning!

Sweetie, the christmas tree is lit, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now lit too!

Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all t...

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus

I used to think that song meant Mommy was cheating on Daddy. Now I know it means Mommy and Daddy are just into role play.

Mommy, daddy and little lion are having a picnic. As soon as they've taken seat on their blanket, little lion wants to start eating. "Hold on," says daddy lion.

"We first need to prey."

A mommy mole, daddy mole, and baby mole are together in their burrow

Mommy mole sticks her head out and sniffs the air. She asks, "What's that smell? Is it brown sugar?"

Daddy mole sticks his head out to sniff around, "No I don't think so. Smells like vanilla to me."

The baby mole still in the burrow says "I don't know what you guys are talking about. ...

You think you've had a bad day?

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers ...

Three young friends, lil' droplet, lil' feather and lil' brick ask their mothers about how they got their names...

Lil' droplet went up to her mother and asked, "Mommy, why is my name Lil' droplet?"

And so, Lil droplet's mother answered, "Well, it's because a little water droplet fell on your head the moment you were born."

Of course, Lil' droplet went off with glee, happy with the answer.

T...

Son: Mommy, will you give me a dollar if if behave?

Mother: Why can't you be good for nothing like your father?

What did the baby corn say to mommy corn, when she couldn't find her father?

"Where's popcorn?"

"Mommy, can we humans suck the light?"

"Of course not, silly!"

"Then why daddy told my babysitter yesterday: *"Turn the light off and suck it"*?"

"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"

"I have no idea, Someoneyourownsize"

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Family conversation.

Dad: Say, daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say, daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Fuck you, say, daddy!

Baby: Fuck you, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I'm home!

Baby: Fuck you!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a bitch.

Mommy! I don’t want to sleep with grandma anymore

Honey I already told you we don’t have enough money to bury her.

"Mommy, why are you pushing the car over the cliff?"

"Be quiet Timmy!", retorts the mother "You'll wake up Daddy!"

I asked my parents for a baby brother or sister this Christmas

My dad said he'll see if the baby making machine in his room still works.

 

Mommy has been screaming 'yes' all night so I think it's working

Mommy mommy I dont wanna see grandma!

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmothe...

There are five cows on a farm, one mommy cow and four baby calves.

The first baby walks up to the mom and asks: "Mom, why is my name Rose?" The mom replies: "Well, honey, when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."

The second calf comes up. "Mom, why is my name Lily?" The mom replies: "When you were born, sweetheart, a lily petal fell on your head."<...

What do you get when you combine a mommy and a daddy?

I don't know, but my dad said it's a mistake.

Mommy mommy! Daddy hanged himself in the living room!

*mom rushes to the living room*

Kid: Haha! April fools! He did it in the attic!

A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when...

Oh johnny..

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the sa...

“Mommy, could you please make me a sandwich?”

“Don’t call me “mommy” just because I slept with your father!”

“So what am I supposed to call you?”

“Just call me Steve, like everybody else.”

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

His first words were "I'll be dead in 4 days, mommy will be dead in 7 days and daddy will be dead in 13 days"

Well, the kid was right.

Four days passed and he died, seven days and hia mother died...
His father, knowing he'd be dead soon, spent all his money and sold everything he had.

Thirteen days passed and his neighbor died.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working...

...and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

So, her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet-dreams. Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes o...

A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"

Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."

Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!

Little Johnny comes to momma and says: "Mommy, I want a dog."

"No way!" says the mother. "Dogs are dirty, messy, leave hair everywhere and smell!"
Johnny says again: "I want a dog!"
Mother: "I already said there won't be any dog here. Wish anything else."
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and then says: "Fair enough, mom. I wanna play mother and a fat...

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

“Mommy, can you make me a sandwich?”

“First, you can make you your own freaking sandwich. And second, you don’t have to call me 'Mommy' just because I’m sleeping with your father.”

“But, but ... what should I call you?”

“Thomas is fine.”

A little buffalo ask his dad, "How come you kiss uncle Steve the same way you kissed mommy?"

"I'm Bison".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replies, "The stork brings them." Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, “Then who fucks the stork?”

Daddy what is a transvestite?

"Daddy what is a transvestite?"

"Ask Mommy, he knows."

Mommy, why is daddy bald?

"Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"

The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked

"is that why you have a lot of hair?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mommy and daddy

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mo...

"Mommy, mommy! Little Johnny pulled out his thingy and showed it to me in the tree house!"

Sally's mother gasped, but didn't want to embarrass her. "Well, what did you think?" she asked.

"It reminded me of a peanut."

"You mean it was small?" her mother chuckled.

"No!" said Sally. "It was salty!"

Kid says Mommy! Mommy! I don't want to keep going I circles.

Mom says shut up or I will nail your other foot to the floor.

A young man gets sent to jail...

A young man gets sent to jail, and gets put into jail cell with a convict with the size of the incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk. "Let's play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?"

Thinking quickly , the man says "Daddy."

"Then come up here and suc...

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NSFW Mommy takes little johnny to the zoo..

As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mommy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.
A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"
"...

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Little Johnny: Mommy, what's a transsexual?

Mom: I think you should ask Aunt Dave that question.

My mommy used to warn me that there could be creepy people on the internet. But I'm not afraid anymore...

Now that I'm on reddit I'm one of those people.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mommy frog went out to get some groceries

so she tells her two little boys, Steven and James, to be good little frogs while she was gone. Seconds after she went out, Steven excitedly tells James he knew where daddy frog hid his long-kept porn stash. James thought that the idea of "borrowing" their dad's vintage Playboys and 80's VHS is bad ...

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A little boy asked his mommy 'Mommy, what's that big hairy thing between your legs?'

The mother replied, 'It's daddy now close the fucking bedroom door!'

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Clever son!

Father: Which one do you love more , me or Mommy?
Son: I love you both.
Father: Very Well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to?
Son: Japan.
Father: See, that you love Mommy more than me?
Son: No, I just want to visit Japan.
Father: Very...

The Darkest Joke I Know

A boy is blind from the day he is born, Never knowing his mothers face never knowing colors and never knowing anything except what he can feel, smell, hear, or touch.

One night the boy is in his bedroom when his mother comes in and sits down on the bed beside him, she says "Sweetie I have som...

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A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

Mom says, "You get babies when mommies and daddies have sex."

"What's sex?"

"Sex is when Daddy puts his penis into Mommy's vagina."

The girl thinks for a moment. "Okay... but last night I saw that Daddy was putting his penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"...

5 year old: Mommy, do you know how long a tooth paste tube lasts?

Mother: No honey?

5 year old: 2 laps around the TV table, and one around the couch

"Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all the scabs that were on your arms?"

"Shut up and eat your cornflakes."

Jimmy: "mommy mommy, at school they tell me that I don't pay attention to detail..."

woman: "jimmy, your house is two doors down"

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A kid gets on the bus and sits right behind the driver every day.

After getting seated the child would play a game. He would always think of a new animal and say
"if my mommy was a shark and my daddy was a shark, I would be a little shark"
"If my mommy was a lizard and my daddy was a lizard, i would be a little lizard!"

He would keep going until he d...

"Mommy, why is my backpack so heavy?"

Allahu Akbar, honey.

"Daddy, why don't you kiss me the way you kiss mommy?"

"Because I love mommy."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mommy, is daddy tall?

Yes dear. He is rather tall.

Is daddy wrecked?

Wrecked? No. What are you talking about honey?

I heard you tell Aunt Sarah that Daddy was getting a "wrecked tall exam". With "Conan Oscar P." Who's that?

No dear. I said dad was getting a "rectal exam", it's called a "col...

Mommy! The boys at school pay me to climb trees!

"Honey, they only want you to do that so they can see your panties!"
Yeah, I know, that's why I take them off.

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Mommy or Daddy

As i walked into the jail cell the big burly man in the corner asked me, "Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"

I said, "I guess i'll be the daddy"

"Ok, now get over here and suck momma's dick."

Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?

Son: Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?

Mother: Because there’s a wedding going on.

Son: But isn’t the horn a warning signal, Mommy?

Mother: Exactly, son.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little girl and her Mother were walking in a park...

There was a little girl and her mother walking in the park one day and they saw two teenager having sex on a bench.

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the little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" the mother hesitates then quickly replies " Ummm... they are making cakes. Now come on, we'll go to the Zoo...

Little Johnny asked one day, "Mommy can little girls give birth?"

"No son. Of course not"

"Oh OK... Hey Susie! Its OK to keep playing the game now!"