The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them.

He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

Dude 1 : Hey, Bro? Dude 2 : Yeah Bro? Dude 1 : Can you pass me that pamphlet?

Dude 2 : Brochure

My bro asked what’s it like being diabetic?

I said “it has its highs and lows” I asked him what it was like to have Bipolar disorder, he said “it has its ups and downs”

What did the gym bro tell his gf who was mad at him?

Babe I'm sorry I just want us to work out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

What did the step bro say to the step sis?

NoChromo

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Bro, I got good news and bad news

Just gimme the good news bro.
The air bags in your car worked perfectly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend called me the other day.

When I answered he told me that he met a hot girl that wanted a threesome with two guys and wanted me to help him out.

"I don't know," I replied, "I've got a lot going on right now."

After him begging me and telling me how hot the girl was for about 20 minutes, I finally agreed to it. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

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A little lizard is walking along a tree branch...

Something wonderful hit his nostrils. It was unlike anything he had ever smelled before. He followed the scent to another branch where he saw his friend, the Koala Bear, smoking the fattest joint he had ever seen.

"Damn, K-Bear, that's the dankest weed I've ever smelled!" said the lizard....

A bumblebee and a honeybee meet on the corner.

The bumblebee says "Hey, little bro, how's it going?" and the honeybee says "Oh, so, so bad. It's been a horrible summer, hardly any flowers, and there's next to nothing in the hive."

"I can give you a hot tip," says the bumblebee. "Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back y...

When Barbie call Ken his bro

Ken was broken.

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice b...

What do you say to a koala to encourage him to beat his personal best in bench pressing?

Bro Eucalyptus!

What did one bro say about the other bro who loved V for Vendetta?

This Guy Fawkes

Yesterday, I tried to relive the 80s and play some Super Mario Bros. When they say you can never go back, turns out it's true.

Mario just stops at the edge of the screen.

My 6 year old little bro always tells me this one. What do you call ninja farts?

Silent but deadly

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.

The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma"

Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gentleman was waiting for his buddy at the pub,

but after an hour of waiting, he became irritated.

Low and behold, his friend Dave FINALLY arrived.

The gentleman asked; "what took you so long, I've been waiting here for an hour!"

Dave began to apologize and told him; "I'm sorry bro, I met this wonderful woman by the railway...

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

Bro#1 : Hey, how come you never talk about your childhood?

Bro#2 : oh... I come from a broken home.

Bro#1 : What happened?

Bro#2 : The plumbing never worked.

Bro#1 : Not really a broken home.

Bro#2 : You could not flush the toilet....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

Me:Hey bro someone said you sound like an Owl

Bro: Who?

Me: Exactly

Why was minecraft steve chosen to be added to super smash bros?

Because Sakurai heard that smash players were attracted to miners

Everyone asks "What are you doing, step-bro?"

No one asks "How are you doing, step bro?"

Bros Vs. Hoes.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.


A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept o...

“If I had 10$, I’d give you 5, because we are best friends, bro”

“What if you had 10 million?”
“I’d give you the whole 10$, no question.”

when a dictator's son visit the ZOO

when the manager of a Zoo heard that the president (Dictator) and his son are coming for a visit

he went and called one of his worker and asked him to wear a Deer costume and sit in their place because all of them died and the dictator president's son love Deers.

when the president cam...

Reddit /r/jokes in 2028

A post: Someone saying 55.

Lots of comments, everyone laughing.

Another: 128

Again, hilarity ensues.

A new guy comes in and asks what this is supposed to mean.

A comment: Well, we realized that we're just telling the same jokes over and over and over again, so we j...

The bro code

Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.

Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.

A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a bu...

My parents named me after my older brother.

And before my younger brother.

Bro.. Your girlfriend is cheating on you!

Damn!! Which one?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but ...

I wanted to revisit my childhood, so I got out Super Mario Bros. and started playing

But soon I realized, no matter how much you try, you can't go back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

9 martinis

I walked into a bar ,a guy was sitting at a table ,with 9 martinis in front of him . I say ." Jeez man what are you celebrating.?"

He replies " my first blow job.".

Me::" congratulations ,bro ,let me buy you another ."

Him :: no thanks ,,if 9 don't get the taste out of my mouth...

Reddit logic.

- Oh I see you made a comment, I'm sorry to inform you it got deleted! You don't have enough karma to make the comment.

= That's fine! How do I make enough karma then?

- You need up votes and rewards on your comments of course!

= ok...? I will make one then and hopefully I get u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."

Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.

Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck....

Two Bros, chillin' in a hot tub! 5 feet apart cause they're....

...following the guidelines of social distancing in regards of the recent coronavirus outbreak.

[NSFW] pro tip:

Next time your bro plans to ride his babe, call shotgun

Bro, can you help me name these information pamphlets?

Brochure.

Two men are playing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

Two men, one called X and the other called Y, are playing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. They've invited some friends, A, B, C and Z, over for a tournament.

Z is the last to arrive, but he's brought whiskey so he's all good. After they've all had a shot of whiskey, they start the tournament. A c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mussolini: Bro how do i turn my iPhone off?

Hitler: Dude just use the Auff-Switch

What do they call the Bernie Bros now that hes lost the nomination?

Back to being plain ol' BernOuts

Two bros were chatting it up at the gym between sets.

1: hey bro, you won’t believe it.
2: what, bro?
1: someone stole all my protein powder
2: no whey!

Jeffery Epstein would’ve loved Steve in Smash Bros

He really liked miners

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey bro, you know how I know you're gay?

Because your dick taste like shit.

Some say bros before hoes...

While some say bros before hoes, and some say hoes before bros, I believe there should be a balance; a homie-hoe-stasis if you will.

*this isn’t my joke but I was thinking of it today so I thought I’d share*

Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf

Bro: So how is your new job at the hospital?

Me: I got fired. They didn't appreciate my professional IT knowledge.

Bro: That sucks man.

 

 

Earlier at the hospital,

Me: (Pointing at life support system) Have you tried to turn it ON and OFF again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve Rogers: Bruce, aren't you worried about getting cancer from the Hulk's radiation?

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. *pulls out a horoscope* I'm already a Cancer.

---
---
---

PS: I know, Bruce Banner is actually a Sagittarius. Don't @ me, bro.

How can someone be a racist and have acne?

Like bro, worry about your own skin

Why can't Stevie Wonder see any of his bros?

He's married.

After ten years in therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.

"You know, maybe life isn't for everyone."

Bro, I just watched avengers endgame, wanna hear a spoiler?

"Okay, tell me I'm not scared."

"I saw your girlfriend with someone else in the theater."

What's the opposite of mitosis?

Your finger bro!

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just bros being bros...

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are sitting in a park, when suddenly they see a cat passing by.

Zoophile: "Let's fuck the cat."

Sadist: "Let's fuck the cat and then torture it!"

Murderer: "Let's fuck the cat, torture it and then kill ...

How many bros does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, it's already lit fam!

Australian Grandmaster wins big chess tournament, "so would you like the prize money as cash or..?" "check, mate"

Hey so I won a college chess tournament and are about to go into an Instagram live video with a talkative person(the host,lady) and the college chess coach "Dan" (friend of mine,older) . So what are some jokes I can do?

I'm thinking of..

Host:"so you've played a lot of chess huh?"
...

I was in KFC with my bro when the lights went out...

I told him that the circuits were fried

"Hey, bro, I need a 50 dollar bill."

"What? Why do you need a $50?"



"I want to buy a thimble."



"A THIMBLE?? What do you need a thimble for? And since when were you into sewing anyways?



"Thewing? I need it for my drumthet."

Why won't Russia allow entry for The Fine Bros?

They've had problems with reactors before

What did the American elevator say to the British elevator?

You lift bro?

brophilosphy

If I am hotter than my bro, does that make him cooler than me .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A groom meets up with his groomsmen at the alter with a huge smile on his face.

The best man looks at him and says, "wow, dude, you are really looking forward to this, huh?" The groom replies, "bro, I just got the best blow job I have ever had in my LIFE, and a I'm about to marry that girl!"
While waiting for the wedding procession to start, the bride had a wide grin on her ...

What do you call two men who bang the same chick?

Smash bros

My bro just got his anti-depressant medicine stolen from him. I asked him what he would say if he met the guy who stole it.

"I hope he's happy," he said.

Was I wrong?

My brother, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, bro," I told him.

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

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