The 65+ Best Bro Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them.

He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

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"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."

Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.

Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck....

The bro code

Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.

Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.

A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a bu...

Bro, do you want this pamphlet?

Brochure.

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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

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Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

“Bro my mule just died today :(“

“Deadass??”

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice b...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Bald guy: "Hey, bro, I'm new in town. Do you know where I can buy a toupee?"

Bro: "Not off the top of my head."

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What's a vagina's favorite music genre?

Cuntry

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

Girls must buy $1000 purses just to impress other girls...

No guy has ever said " Bro, she was ugly...but that purse..."

Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf

What did the step bro say to the step sis?

NoChromo

Bro, I got good news and bad news

Just gimme the good news bro.
The air bags in your car worked perfectly.

Me:Hey bro someone said you sound like an Owl

Bro: Who?

Me: Exactly

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

Bro, can you help me name these information pamphlets?

Brochure.

What did one bro say about the other bro who loved V for Vendetta?

This Guy Fawkes

When Barbie call Ken his bro

Ken was broken.

Gym bro #1: "Bro, we're out of protein powder."

Gym bro #2: "No whey..."

My bro asked what’s it like being diabetic?

I said “it has its highs and lows” I asked him what it was like to have Bipolar disorder, he said “it has its ups and downs”

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"

^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

“If I had 10$, I’d give you 5, because we are best friends, bro”

“What if you had 10 million?”
“I’d give you the whole 10$, no question.”

My 6 year old little bro always tells me this one. What do you call ninja farts?

Silent but deadly

Everyone asks "What are you doing, step-bro?"

No one asks "How are you doing, step bro?"

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Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but ...

Two bros were chillin’ at a table together…

One bro says to the other bro: “Bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Bro 2: What did you say, bro?

Bro 1: Bro, can you hand me that pamphlet??

Bro 2: Hand you the what, bro?

Bro 1: Bro! The Phamphlet!

Bro 2: Brochure

Bro#1 : Hey, how come you never talk about your childhood?

Bro#2 : oh... I come from a broken home.

Bro#1 : What happened?

Bro#2 : The plumbing never worked.

Bro#1 : Not really a broken home.

Bro#2 : You could not flush the toilet....

Bro.. Your girlfriend is cheating on you!

Damn!! Which one?

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Hey bro, you know how I know you're gay?

Because your dick taste like shit.

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Mussolini: Bro how do i turn my iPhone off?

Hitler: Dude just use the Auff-Switch

"Bro, don't smoke. It's a slow killer."

"Nice, I'm not in a hurry to die either."

Bro: So how is your new job at the hospital?

Me: I got fired. They didn't appreciate my professional IT knowledge.

Bro: That sucks man.

 

 

Earlier at the hospital,

Me: (Pointing at life support system) Have you tried to turn it ON and OFF again.

Bro, I just watched avengers endgame, wanna hear a spoiler?

"Okay, tell me I'm not scared."

"I saw your girlfriend with someone else in the theater."

I was in KFC with my bro when the lights went out...

I told him that the circuits were fried

An Aussie and a Maori walk into a bakery.

...The Aussie steals three pastries and slips them into his pocket. He turns to the Maori and says, "Pretty slick aye, bro? The owner didn't even see me."

Unimpressed, the Maori replies, "Typical dishonest Aussie, bro. I'm gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result."

T...

"Hey, bro, I need a 50 dollar bill."

"What? Why do you need a $50?"

"I want to buy a thimble."

"A THIMBLE?? What do you need a thimble for? And since when were you into sewing anyways?

"Thewing? I need it for my drumthet."

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Best Salesman Ever!

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he...

"Hey bro, so I just got diagnosed with a dairy allergy."

"No whey, man."

I asked my bro if it was cool to bang my clone.

He shrugged. "You do you, fam."

A friend told me to "keep doing you bro"

I said: "Well no one else is".

Bro, I just want you to know, I'm rooting for you...

Your blind wife has no idea I'm not you

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My bro said he put a condom on AFTER sex.

That's fucking out of order.

If I tell people about my mancave I'm a "bro"...

But if I talk about my womancave I'm a "kidnapper".

Bro how do you manage your stress

Bob: Mike, I've a personal question. How do you manage the stress that comes with this work.

Mike: Bob that's very simple. When I reach home, I take my wife to a nice fine dining. I get her a nice bottle of wine, good food and amazing dessert. After that, my wife gives me so much pleasure in ...

A Serb, a Croat and a Bosniak are arrested in Iran for drinking alcohol.

The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.

First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Second up is the Croat. "I reques...

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

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The Bro Quiz (NSFW)

The Bro Quiz

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a lovemaking
b screwing
c the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a your views about what you e...

An Aussie walks up to a New Zealander

and asks: is that your dog?

Kiwi: "Yep."

Aussie: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "Dog don’t talk bro."

Aussie: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Aussie: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great...

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143 year old troll

I found this history text book from 1873 at a flea market today, and it’s super old school. On page 23, there is a thing that says “look on page 150” in pencil in the top margin- so I go to page 150 and the guy had written “you are a fool for looking”. Fuckin got me bro. Trolled me 143 years in the ...

I texted my friend, "Send me a joke, bro."

He replied: "Sorry, now I'm busy with my girlfriend."

Me: "Nice one! Send me another."

If I carved a sheep from this tree trunk, would you buy it bro?

Wood ewe?!

I went to a restaurant.

It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away

How does a bro spell a striped horse?

With a "Z" brah.

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NSFW I once got my ex's name tattooed on my penis...

Her name was Wendy and i had it done when I was hard and now you can only see W and Y when soft.

One day I was on holiday in Jamaica, using the restroom I noticed a Jamaican man with the same WY tattoo. I asked if he had Wendy tattooed on his penis aswell.

He replied:
"nah bro it ...

asked my little bro for a couple of chips...

he brought me three, said 2 were a couple and the third was my side chip

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My friend called me the other day.

When I answered he told me that he met a hot girl that wanted a threesome with two guys and wanted me to help him out.

"I don't know," I replied, "I've got a lot going on right now."

After him begging me and telling me how hot the girl was for about 20 minutes, I finally agreed to it. ...

What does an Australian chemist call is bro?

Bromate

Sorry, just studying my poly atomic ions and thought I was clever. I thought wrong

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Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye...

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