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Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

Some say Bros before Hoes. Some say Hoes before Bros

I prefer homie-hoe-stasis

Bro, I got good news and bad news

Just gimme the good news bro.
The air bags in your car worked perfectly.

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them.

He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

Bro do you want this pamphlet?

Brochure.

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice b...

Yesterday, I tried to relive the 80s and play some Super Mario Bros. When they say you can never go back, turns out it's true.

Mario just stops at the edge of the screen.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

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3 men standing in front of the gates of heaven

Peter says: "Sorry guys. We're closed."
"But Peter.. We're dead. You have to let us in."
Peter: "I'll make you a deal: If the story of how you died is awesome, I'll let you in."

So the first man begins to tell his story:
"I am an attorney and I work every day from 6am to 8pm but THI...

When Barbie call Ken his bro

Ken was broken.

My parents named me after my older brother.

And before my younger brother.

Well my parents are finally sick of all my electronics puns.

Now I'm grounded.

Me:Hey bro someone said you sound like an Owl

Bro: Who?

Me: Exactly

A girl called me bro

So I made her my step sister.

My 6 year old little bro always tells me this one. What do you call ninja farts?

Silent but deadly

Everyone asks "What are you doing, step-bro?"

No one asks "How are you doing, step bro?"

Why was minecraft steve chosen to be added to super smash bros?

Because Sakurai heard that smash players were attracted to miners

Jeffery Epstein would’ve loved Steve in Smash Bros

He really liked miners

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Lame joke. Still I'll share

What did O said to Q ..?

Bro, Go and jerk off

“If I had 10$, I’d give you 5, because we are best friends, bro”

“What if you had 10 million?”
“I’d give you the whole 10$, no question.”

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The teacher asks all students of her class to learn 4 clauses before the next class next day.

Amit goes to his busy dad and says

Amit : Daddy Daddy. Can you please tell me a clause?

Dad : Shut up

Amit : Thank you Daddy

Next, Amit goes to his mom who is busy cleaning trash.

Amit : Mommy Mommy, Can you please tell me a clause?

Mom : Trash

Am...

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Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but ...

A man walked up to his friend

He was sad
The man asked “What’s the matter bro”
His friend replied “Everything....... except for light”

Two Bros, chillin' in a hot tub! 5 feet apart cause they're....

...following the guidelines of social distancing in regards of the recent coronavirus outbreak.

Bros Vs. Hoes.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.


A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept o...

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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

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Three dwarves are sitting around having a few drinks

Dwarf #1 says:

Sometimes I get bummed out being a dwarf. But at least it is good for something. The other day I was flipping through the Guinness Book of World Records, and I found out that I have the shortest arms in the world.

The other two dwarves don't believe him. So they get a co...

Bro.. Your girlfriend is cheating on you!

Damn!! Which one?

I saw a dude ordering an Uber as he left the gym

so I asked him, "Do you even Lyft, bro?"

Some say bros before hoes...

While some say bros before hoes, and some say hoes before bros, I believe there should be a balance; a homie-hoe-stasis if you will.

*this isn’t my joke but I was thinking of it today so I thought I’d share*

Two guys sitting next to eachother

Guy 1: bro can you pass me a drink
Guy 2: ok bro
Guy 1: and can you pass me the chips
Guy 2: bro fine
Guy 1: also can you pass me the leaflet
Guy 2: brochure

A man asks his friend how to cook a gourmet meal as his family was coming over.

His American friend asks him to get three rams (A , B, C) and then put a gourd on each of the rams head in the kitchen and then see what happens .

He puts a gourd on ram A and nothing happens.

He puts a gourd on ram B and nothing happens.

As he puts the gourd on the third ram...

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

What do they call the Bernie Bros now that hes lost the nomination?

Back to being plain ol' BernOuts

Two bros were chatting it up at the gym between sets.

1: hey bro, you won’t believe it.
2: what, bro?
1: someone stole all my protein powder
2: no whey!

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There was an alcoholic man in a village

So he seeked help from the village's only doctor.
-"Tell me about your problem", said the doc.
-"I just can't stop drinking and nothing can help me, I am an alcoholic", said helplessly the man.
- "I will fix that!", said the doc and started fucking the alcoholic in the ass.
After it was ...

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A man wakes and finds himself in hell

One day a man with many vices dies and finds himself in hell.

Wallowing in despair that his decisions in life have landed him in hell, he has a meeting with Satan.

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a l...

I wanted to revisit my childhood, so I got out Super Mario Bros. and started playing

But soon I realized, no matter how much you try, you can't go back.

Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car

Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car

Guy (angry) : Do you know who I am?

Mark : Yes, you are Scott Thomas, you have 237 friends out of which 37 are females and your wife doesn't know 12 of them. Last holiday you went to Thailand and there you . . .

Guy : Leave it bro, it was my...

what do you call 2 brothers from alabama

super smash bros



(i thought of this joke last week, i know its not that good, but at least i didnt steal it)

Why can't Stevie Wonder see any of his bros?

He's married.

What is a stoner bro's favorite tool?

A saw, dude

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Hey bro, you know how I know you're gay?

Because your dick taste like shit.

Bro: So how is your new job at the hospital?

Me: I got fired. They didn't appreciate my professional IT knowledge.

Bro: That sucks man.

 

 

Earlier at the hospital,

Me: (Pointing at life support system) Have you tried to turn it ON and OFF again.

Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf

Why does Santa spend 364 days a year forming strong masculine relationships?

Bros before hos

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A doctor has sex with a patient

A doctor has sex with a patient. And the guilt is killing him, it goes against the ethics code every doctor swears by.

So one part of his brain tells him: "don't worry, you're not the first guy to sleep with a patient, and you definitely won't be the last. You're a bachelor too, it's fiiiine"...

The bro code

Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.

Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.

A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a bu...

How many bros does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, it's already lit fam!

Bro, can you help me name these information pamphlets?

Brochure.

Two scientists are playing Minecraft.

Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist.

Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted?

Scie...

My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,

“Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?

A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.

I’m rea...

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Conversation with a mechanic

Mechanic: you used subpar fuel which corroded your intake injectors and manifold

Me: Uhh, English bro

Mechanic: low quality gas damaged your engine

Me: dumb it down for me kemosabe

Mechanic : Bad go-go juice made your vroom vroom machine all fucky

Me : oh fuck

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Mussolini: Bro how do i turn my iPhone off?

Hitler: Dude just use the Auff-Switch

NBA 2k21 on PS5 is hyper realistic

I said it bro. It's too realistic. I tried playing with kobe but the game kept crashing smh.

I've never been able to get past the fourth stage in Super Mario Bros.

But I know, I know... first world problems.

What did the stepsister say to her brother who suddenly dove into a pool?

Water you doing step bro?

Theo visits his sister, a veterinarian...

And being a good brother, he brought 2 cups of hot chocolate, her favorite drink. Angela, his sister thanks him, but marks her cup because after all these years she knows how forgetful he can be, and how he can mistake her cup for his.

Sure enough, after chatting a bit, Theo reaches for a cu...

What did the Geodude say to his fellow Geodude when they were going to breed?

Hey bro, I’m rock hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."

Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.

Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck....

A woman takes a parrot that has spent its life in a brothel to home.

When they get home it says Wow new place. When her son comes home it says Wow new place new boss. When her two daughters come home it says wow new place new boss new workers. And when her husband comes home it says Wow new place new boss new workers old client.

Bro, I just watched avengers endgame, wanna hear a spoiler?

"Okay, tell me I'm not scared."

"I saw your girlfriend with someone else in the theater."

Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason

Bro same

What's an Alabama girls favorite game?

Smash Bros!

"Hey, bro, I need a 50 dollar bill."

"What? Why do you need a $50?"



"I want to buy a thimble."



"A THIMBLE?? What do you need a thimble for? And since when were you into sewing anyways?



"Thewing? I need it for my drumthet."

Why won't Russia allow entry for The Fine Bros?

They've had problems with reactors before

A guy in an old, rusty VW beatle

Waiting for the traffic light to turn green..
Suddenly comes a brand new ferrari and stops next to him.

Beatle guy looks at the ferrari - "Hey you.. wanna change cars?"

Ferrari guy confused - "what do you mean??"

Beatles guy - "ill give you my car and you give me yours.."
...

I asked my bro if it was cool to bang my clone.

He shrugged. "You do you, fam."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did I say when my bros asked me about losing my virginity?

I don't remember. It happened so fast.

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Beer Bros

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.


The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.


He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so yo...

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

Hey man will you hand me that tri-fold informational packet?

Bro sure

A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...

“1! 3! 5! 7! 9!”

Another meathead:
“Do you even lift bro”

Meathead: “Nah I only odd lift bro”

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Just bros being bros...

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are sitting in a park, when suddenly they see a cat passing by.

Zoophile: "Let's fuck the cat."

Sadist: "Let's fuck the cat and then torture it!"

Murderer: "Let's fuck the cat, torture it and then kill ...

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