Grandparent Jokes - 85 Hilarious Grandparent Jokes

Shoutout to my grandparents

Beause that's the only way they can hear me

Two grandparents are having a phone call talking about their family. One grandparent talks about how proud she is that her granddaughter came to visit her while socially distanced

The other said - “my grandson is so protective of me. He socially distances so much he won’t even call me!”

My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident

They will be mist... :'(

How I plan on never becoming a Grandparent..

I’ll be naming my daughter pregnant so when a guy meets her.

Guy: Hi, I’m Paul.

Her: Hi, I’m pregnant.

Case closed.

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[] A boy goes to his grandparents house.

Grandpa and the boy are sitting in the den watching tv. The grandpa takes a hit off of his cigar.

Boy: “can I try that grandpa”

Grandpa: “does your touch your ”

Boy: “no”

Grandpa: “well you can’t try it”

A couple hours go by and grandpa is drinking ...

Never let your kids stay with the grandparents for too long

Someone asked my 6 year old what's his age?
He said : With God's will, I will be 7 in November.

My grandparents fought during World War II.

They ended up getting a divorce.

I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.

I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.

What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?

I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

How do kids tell you their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean

But obviously I called them my Grandad and Nana na na na na na na nanana

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Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.

“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.

“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wir...

Myself, my kids, my parents, my brother, and my grandparents all have terrible diarrhea.

Runs in the family.

Johnny with his grandparents

Johnny is staying with his grandparents. Grandma goes out to get groceries, while Grandpa stays home to look after Johnny. When Grandma gets home, the house is a mess. All of the couch cushions are torn up, paint is all over the walls, and the dog is hiding under the bed. Grandma asks Grandpa: "What...

I once dated a Turkish woman.

Her mother was Tunisian, and her father was Canadian. Her grandparents were Albanian and her brother was Danish.

I broke up with her though, too many red flags.

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ?

Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!

I find it really awkward that my Grandparents named my Dad's sister "Vaccine"...

I'm embarrassed to tell people that she's Auntie Vax.

My grandparents think that I depend too much on technology.

They always talk about how much my generation depends on technology, and my grandfather always mentions it whenever I visit them, so then I replied, “no, your generation depends too much on technology.”

Then I unplugged his life support.

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My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

So many jokes about the Holocaust but how would you feel if your grandparent died in Auschwitz?

My grandad did, he fell off the guard tower.

Why Einstein loved his parents and grandparents?

They were all relatives.

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[] A boy visited his grandparents.

His grandpa takes him fishing. They are out on the water when grandpa pulls out a cigar. The boy says, "Hey grandpa, can I have one?"

Grandpa says, "Can your touch your ?"

The boy says, "No"

Grandpa says, "Well, then you can't have one."

Later on, Grandpa pulls ou...

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your child...

My entire family urged me to get an abortion but my grandparents supported my decision.

They are great grandparents.

The secret to a good marriage

It was grandparents day at school.

"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.

"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now....

What do you call a parent who denies their child birth control?

Grandparent!

What do they call the Coronavirus in China?

The One Grandparent Policy

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I walked into my grandparents house

and caught my grandad shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. "Grandad," I said, "You promised me that you'd spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed."

"I did," he replied, "Doesn't your nan look great!?"

Shout out to my grandparents!

Not because they both helped out with something, but because they have a hearing disability.

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My German grandparents used to hide Jewish children in their basement.

Turns out that gets you arrested in this day and age.

Scientists say you're more likely to die of what your grandparents died of rather than your parents

If anyone sees any German snipers let me know

I just found out my grandparents got infected.

I can’t believe it honestly. I told them to use protection and stuff but they wouldn’t listen and now the whole care homes got it. Oh well at least it’s easy to treat chlamydia now a days.

My Grandparents were Trekkies, and named my father after their favourite Captain

when I was young, I was frequently hoisted by my own Picard

One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”
Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”
“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma...

Erwin Schrodinger came from abroad to attend my grandparent's wedding in North America.

He was a nonlocal observer.

Mitzi came back from a weekend at her grandparents' house and told her mom she's never staying there again. "They just sat around the whole weekend and had nothing on!"

"Nothing on!," her mother cried out in horror.

"Yes," said Mitzi, "no TV, no computer, no Xbox..."

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A kid goes to stay at his grandparents house for a weekend

On the first night, the kid and his grandad are sitting in the garage, Gramps is having a smoke. Kid says, "hey, can I get a puff?" Gramps says, "well. Does your touch your ?" Kid says, "no... What the hell??" Gramps says "well you can't have a puff of my cigar.

Next day, kid and ...

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

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Little Johnny is visiting his grandparents...

...during his summer vacation. The very first night after dinner he sees his grandpa enjoying a glass of scotch in his study. Johnny asks, "hey grandpa whatcha drinkin?" To which grandpa replies, "this is called whiskey Johnny." Johnny then asks, "can I try some?" With a smirk, Grandpa asks, "well, ...

What do grandparents smell like?

"Depends"

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The younger boy began praying at the top of his voice. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE!"

the older brother leaned over and nudged his younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"...

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My grandparents used to have once a week, on a Sunday, in time to the nearby church bells

My grandad would still be alive if it wasn't for that damn ice cream van

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

My parents had me late in life so I never met any of my grandparents. No body was suprised about this

It was a four gone conclusion

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Timmy was staying at his grandparents house

Timmy was staying at his grandparents house for week during summer vacation.

One day his grandpa is smoking cigar, Timmy asked his grandpa can I try one. Grandpa asked does your reach all the way to your ? Timmy shook his head and said No. Then you can't smoke one said his g...

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My daughter's teacher just called me to say she was late today and missed first period.

I thought, "what a way to congratulate me on becoming a grandparent!"

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A post today reminded me of a joke my grandparents told me from the old country

http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/1ko1i5/my_wife_just_called_me_at_work_and_said_um_youd/

Theres a famous joke that my great grandparents told me. Its whats called a "Chelm Story". In jewish folk tales there is a mystical city of fools called Chelm. In a typical Chelm story, a jew would ...

23andme is a scam.

I know for a fact my grandparents immigrated to America from Argentina, but my results still came back “German”.

My grandparents are from San Juan, Puerto Rico, but the rest of my family is European.

I guess that makes me Quarter-Rican.

My grandparents would always take me out to dinner when I was a kid and jokingly ask me, "Are you paying this time?"

I would laugh and say "No! I don't have any money". They did this right up until I started college. We went to dinner same as always but at the end they didn't ask me. It was strange but figured they forgot. Well after a while it started to bother me. Finally after dinner one night I asked them "Why...

Today I went to visit my dead grandparents but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb

It was a grave mistake

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?

Because they have a common enemy

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A boy visits his grandparents, and is sitting on the front porch with his grandfather.

Soon Grandma comes out and gives Grandpa a cigar. He lights up while the boy watches, and the boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Rather than answering, the man snaps, "Does your touch your ?" The boy thinks about this, then shakes his head no. "Of course not, because you're a l...

So a baby is named by his French, Chinese, and Redditor grandparents

A. L'Mao

Drinking game for the eclipse

Tomorrow, take a shot for every post on r/tifu with a title that's anything along the lines of "TIFU by looking at the eclipse" or "TIFU by not watching my [sibling/child/parent/grandparent/friend/SO] during the eclipse".

In other words: Take a shot for everyone blinded by their ignorance.

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

I Went To a Cemetery Today

With my grandparents. I have been before, and there are such beautiful flowers planted and some pretty hiking trails that go behind the cemetery. I was telling my grandparents about it, and my grandmother said in the most excited tone “I’m just dying to get in there!”

Little John wonders...

Little John, 8 years old, looks down his pants and asks his dad: 'Dad, how much does my soldier weigh?'. His dad, a medical docter replies: 'about 150 grams I think.'

A bit later, John asks his dad: 'Dad, how much does your soldier weigh?'. He replies: 'hmm, must be 350 grams I think.'
...

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A kid walks in on his parents taking a shower...

He hears them saying to one another: "Honey, you have big balls." "Babe, you have ".

The boy asks, "Mom, dad, what are and balls?"

His parents reply, "Oh, uhhh... that's just another way of saying hats and scarves, now go play." So the kid goes off to play.

Later...

Coronavirus is much older than we knew

My great great grandparents came West in a Covid wagon

If you, your parents, and your grandparents use reddit, I guess you could say it’s

Haredditary

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A 16yr old boy is cleaning his grandparents attic. When he uncovers a strange lamp.

As soon as he grabs the lamp a genie appears. "One and only one wish you have" bellows the genie. Being a young and naive boy only one thought comes to mind. Without much thought he blurts out "I wish the be in between the legs of a beautiful woman". The genie booms "wish granted". With a snap of hi...

The class is learning about the holocaust, when the teacher asks if anyone's grandparents died in the deathcamps. Little Billy puts his hand up.

"Oh... Class, let us hold a minute of silence for him. If it is not too indiscreet, how did he die?"

"Fell off a watchtower."

My Grandparents passed away together last night. He went peacefully in his sleep, but she was apparently distraught before dying, screaming and crying hysterically

I guess we really should've taken away his license

A Lumberjack is out cutting wood with his son

A Lumberjack is out working and has brought his son along to show him what he does, as he hopes the son will inherit the business one day. The following conversation occurs.

Son: Why do you do what you do, Dad?

Lumberjack: Well son, this is our family business! I inherited it from your...

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The funniest thing my grandpa ever said

I was visiting my grandparents a couple years back and my grandma brought up that the PA at the local clinic, an attractive 30-something year-old woman, was moving out of town. My grandpa piped up with "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her. Do you know how hard it is for a man my age to get a 33 year old woma...

What’s a geometry teacher’s favorite drink?

Ovaltine!

My 7 year old made this one up today. Thanks, grandparents!

A pair of parents are in court for abusing their child...

The judge: Parents where do you think your child should stay since you lost custody.

The parents: we should send them to his grandparents they don’t beat him.

The child: no, they beat me too!

The parents: fine, your aunt and uncle

The child: you don’t get it everyone in o...

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.

But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'

'Why not?' The judge asked.

'Because he beats me too.'

'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a ...

What's Donald Trump giving up for Lent this year?

Your grandparents.

I told my family a Coronavirus joke...

...my grandparents were the only ones who got it.

The Chemical

*One day a boy came home from school. when his grandfather saw him and noticed that his index finger was still and did not move. The grandfather asked him: My dear grandson, why is your finger like this? The boy replied: In the chemistry lab, a chemical was spilled on my finger and the school doctor...

Frank and his wife, Linda, were at the hospital, where Linda was giving birth to their first baby.

The midwife had hooked Linda up to a machine. "This high-tech gizmo is designed to transfer a birthing mother's pains to the father of the baby," she explained. "But there's a bug in the machine. The pain that is transferred from the mother to the father will be multiplied by 10."

"I'm willin...

Literary position.

Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.

"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"

"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."
<...

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

Who is heart

and why did they attack my grandparents?

Why doesn't Santa pay taxes?

Generations ago, when Santa's grandparents were in charge of the gift-giving industry, the North Pole was starting its population boom. Consequentially, the North Polish government decided they should tax these new and future residents to keep the nation afloat. But as Santa's grandparents had been ...

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Arthur

While at grandparent's house, mom came into the living room and asked Johnny, "Where's Grandma?"

" Arthur ," replied Johnny.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" screamed mommy.

"I don't know, but Grandpa keeps yelling, ' Arthur Writis!' at her upstairs."

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Grandpa’s take on

While visiting his grandparents, a teen walks into the living room and sees that he’s grandpa is watching . Slightly shocked the grandson says “Grandpa, what are you doing?” Grandpa not in the least bit startled replies “watching history shows sonny” so the grandson realizing the old man’s mista...

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A guy went on a date with a beautiful girl

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.When they got there, he asked her...

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A Native American Boy Walks into His Family Tipi

The boy looks at his father as he has grown curious in life lately and asks him,

"Dad, why is your name rising sun?"

The boys father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when i was born your grandparents went outside with me and that's the first thing they saw, the rising sun."
...

Little Johnny

An insurance officer comes to a farm and meets Little Johnny and asks,

"Hello, are your parents home by any chance?"

Little Johnny: "My parents were run over by the tractor ..."

Insurance officer: "Really? That's awful! Are your siblings at home?"

Little Johnny: "Run ...

Grandpa's Father's Day quip

Out at breakfast with my fiance's grandparents yesterday morning when I priest comes in. Her grandfather is almost 90.

Grandpa, (knowing I was raised Catholic) says, "So you gonna wish him a Happy Father's Day too?"

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