This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.

“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.

“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wir...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Man...

A 10-year old boy heard some screaming and rustling coming from his parent's room...

Thinking there is something wrong, he rushes in and sees his dad sweating and panting, and his mom turning red with embarrassment.
"What are you doing?" Asked the boy.
"Playing poker." Replied the dad.
"Oh, but what's mom doing here?"
The dad thinks about it, and replies, "she's my wild...

What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?

I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

My entire family urged me to get an abortion but my grandparents supported my decision.

My grandparents are great.

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A boy is staying at his grandparent's house

A boy is staying at his grandparent's house for the weekend. On the first day, he walks past the grandpa carrying duct tape.

"Why do you have duct tape?" Asked the grandpa.

"I'm going to catch Ducks with it!" Said the boy.

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Said the grandpa...

I wonder what my grandparents did to fight boredom before the Internet.

I asked my parents and my 27 aunts and uncles...

They don't know either.

My grandparents would always take me out to dinner when I was a kid and jokingly ask me, "Are you paying this time?"

I would laugh and say "No! I don't have any money". They did this right up until I started college. We went to dinner same as always but at the end they didn't ask me. It was strange but figured they forgot. Well after a while it started to bother me. Finally after dinner one night I asked them "Why...

Today I went to visit my dead grandparents but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb

It was a grave mistake

Shoutout to my grandparents

Beause that's the only way they can hear me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked into my grandparents house

and caught my grandad shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. "Grandad," I said, "You promised me that you'd spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed."

"I did," he replied, "Doesn't your nan look great!?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy visits his grandparents, and is sitting on the front porch with his grandfather.

Soon Grandma comes out and gives Grandpa a cigar. He lights up while the boy watches, and the boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Rather than answering, the man snaps, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" The boy thinks about this, then shakes his head no. "Of course not, because you're a l...

A 16yr old boy is cleaning his grandparents attic. When he uncovers a strange lamp.

As soon as he grabs the lamp a genie appears. "One and only one wish you have" bellows the genie. Being a young and naive boy only one thought comes to mind. Without much thought he blurts out "I wish the be in between the legs of a beautiful woman". The genie booms "wish granted". With a snap of hi...

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A kid visiting his grandparents (I hope this isn’t a repost, I’m sorry if it is)

A kid was visiting his grandparents and he saw his grandpa smoking a pipe. The kids asks “Grandpa can I smoke your pipe?” The grandpa replies “Can your dick reach your asshole?” The kid says “No”. The grandpa says “then you’re not old enough”. A little later the grandpa is drinking some whiskey and...

If you, your parents, and your grandparents use reddit, I guess you could say it’s

Haredditary

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Difference in Grandparents

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaught...

Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench.

One turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

So many jokes about the Holocaust but how would you feel if your grandparent died in Auschwitz?

My grandad did, he fell off the guard tower.

My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident

They will be mist... :'(

A child is visiting his grandparents.

While there, he says to Grandpa:

*- Grandpa, tell me a story about Vietnam!*

The old man says:

*- May 1969, near Khe Sanh. I was in a chopper with four other Marines and the pilot, and some gook shot the pilot. We survived, but the Charlie were waiting there. And then there we w...

Shout out to my grandparents!

Not because they both helped out with something, but because they have a hearing disability.

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One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”.

He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”.

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant.

His father promptly said “cooking”.

Then,he returned to sch...

I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.

I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.

A teenager is at his grandparents' house

He's staying for the weekend and it's pouring down rain outside. He's frustrated that he has to stay inside, so he sits at the window complaining. His grandfather comes up and sits next to him, resting an easy hand on his shoulder before speaking gently.

"Looks like it's raining a fair bit ou...

How did our grandparents killed time when there were no Smartphones and Internet?

I already asked my mom, her four sisters and five brothers.

Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ?

Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny is spending the weekend at his grandparents house

He is following his grandfather around. His grandfather gets on a big tractor to mow the lawn.

Fascinated, Johnny says, "Wow! Can i try to drive it?"

His granddad replies, "can the tip of your penis touch your asshole?"

Johnny, shocked, says "No..."

"Then you're not old e...

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My dad told me this over dinner with grandparents

(I need to preface this by saying that it is common for builders to carry screws and nails in their mouth for convenience).
As told by my father:

I was working at an addition way out on the shit side of Davenport doing furnaces. One day, I looked in a window and saw some goofy-ass old, scr...

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My German grandparents used to hide Jewish children in their basement.

Turns out that gets you arrested in this day and age.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

First time grandparents go to visit the new baby

After traveling several hours, enjoying dinner, and meeting the baby, the grandparents decided to spend the night.

The grandparents, being older, had trouble sleeping. The grandfather rolled over, tapped on the grandmother' shoulder, and asked, "would you like to do some laundry?" This had b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Testicles are like grandparents.

You don't really pay them too much attention, but you miss them when they're gone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A boy visited his grandparents.

His grandpa takes him fishing. They are out on the water when grandpa pulls out a cigar. The boy says, "Hey grandpa, can I have one?"

Grandpa says, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The boy says, "No"

Grandpa says, "Well, then you can't have one."

Later on, Grandpa pulls ou...

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The younger boy began praying at the top of his voice. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE!"

the older brother leaned over and nudged his younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"...

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?

Because they have a common enemy

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A post today reminded me of a joke my grandparents told me from the old country

http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/1ko1i5/my_wife_just_called_me_at_work_and_said_um_youd/

Theres a famous joke that my great grandparents told me. Its whats called a "Chelm Story". In jewish folk tales there is a mystical city of fools called Chelm. In a typical Chelm story, a jew would ...

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Timmy was staying at his grandparents house

Timmy was staying at his grandparents house for week during summer vacation.


One day his grandpa is smoking cigar, Timmy asked his grandpa can I try one. Grandpa asked does your dick reach all the way to your asshole? Timmy shook his head and said No. Then you can't smoke one said his g...

So a baby is named by his French, Chinese, and Redditor grandparents

A. L'Mao

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny is visiting his grandparents...

...during his summer vacation. The very first night after dinner he sees his grandpa enjoying a glass of scotch in his study. Johnny asks, "hey grandpa whatcha drinkin?" To which grandpa replies, "this is called whiskey Johnny." Johnny then asks, "can I try some?" With a smirk, Grandpa asks, "well, ...

What do grandparents smell like?

"Depends"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A baby polar bear asked his dad.

Am I pure polar bear?” The dad replies, “Sure you are. You are all polar bear, your parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.” Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, am I pure polar bear?” She answers, “Of course you are hon...

Scientists say you're more likely to die of what your grandparents died of rather than your parents

If anyone sees any German snipers let me know

A man goes to his fiancee's family reunion.

Being his first time, he's amazed at how many people are there.

He asks, "This can't all be your family, is it?"

"It sure is. Let me introduce you to everyone," she replies. "Let's get something to drink first."

The couple goes over to the drink table and the man reaches over ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There once was this guy......

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.

When they got there, he a...

I starred in an award winning one man show...

about my life growing up in a small town. Because I love them so much, I bought my grandparents expensive box seats to see it. After the show they were so excited to tell me how great it was. My grandpa looked at me with pride in his eyes and said, “Congratulations. You played yourself.”

Idk what to call it so ima just leave the title like this

A husband and wife are staying with the wife's grandparents for a while. Their son, Bilbo, is going to bed one day. Bilbo says, "Night night Mummy. Night night Daddy. Night night Granny. Goodbye Grandpa."

The parents thought this strange, but anyway, the lives go on.

Until a week later...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Thanksgiving Story

Was told this joke when I was around 7 or 8 and thought it was the shit. Thought you guys might appreciate it as much as 7 year old me did.

​

The story starts off 1 week before Thanksgiving. A little boy is playing with some toys on his front porch. All of the sudden some te...

Babies are the opposite of cell phones.

When grandparents are holding children there's no explaining how to play the preinstalled games.

Peekaboo doesn't have a 15 page TOS.

I held my baby up to take a picture and got cropped into Lion King by a Facebook friend.

There's no vomit emoji on my cell phone.

Grandpa on the porch

A man was coming up the walk on his way to visit his grandparents when he spotted his Grandfather sitting in a rocking chair on the porch, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing ?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him....

An insurance-guy knocks on the door. 5-year old Timmy opens up.

Insurance-guy: Can i speak to your dad, please?

Timmy: No, he’s been killed by a tractor.

Insurance-guy: Oh. I’m so sorry. Can I speak to your mom then?

Timmy: No, she’s been killed by a tractor.

Insurance-guy: OMG that’s awful. Are at least your grandparents home, or a s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband wakes up with a brutal hangover

When he enters the kitchen he sees that his wife made him an incredible breakfast. She smiles at him, gives him a hug, a kiss and whispers in his ear "I am sending our kid to the grandparents for tonight. I will have something special for you, don't expect any sleep." Then she leaves for work.
...

Family violence

A 6 year old kid was at the center of a NYC Courtroom earlier this month when he challenged a court ruling over who should have Custody over him. When it was discovered that his parents beat him, he was given custody over to his grandparents. A problem arises when the boy says that his grandparents ...

A newly-wed couple move in together

Cynthia had known that Andrew was obsessed with football ("soccer"), but she hadn't realised just how much. Andrew spent hours every day watching games, reading commentary, and analysing player stats. As she did not care much for the sport, Cynthia was hoping to convince him to spend more time with ...

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

Court Custody

A six-year-old boy was at the center of an NYC courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regul...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My daughter's teacher just called me to say she was late today and missed first period.

I thought, "what a shitty way to congratulate me on becoming a grandparent!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid walks in on his parents taking a shower...

He hears them saying to one another: "Honey, you have big balls." "Babe, you have big tits".

The boy asks, "Mom, dad, what are tits and balls?"

His parents reply, "Oh, uhhh... that's just another way of saying hats and scarves, now go play." So the kid goes off to play.

Later...

It’s been reported that Credit Card information for Sears and Kmart customers has been hacked.

Fortunately, they were able to contact your grandparents and they were able to cancel their Diners Club without incident.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Native American Boy Walks into His Family Tipi

The boy looks at his father as he has grown curious in life lately and asks him,

"Dad, why is your name rising sun?"

The boys father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when i was born your grandparents went outside with me and that's the first thing they saw, the rising sun."
...

GOP Lemonade Stand

A Republican senator has set up a lemonade stand selling lemonade for a dollar to raise money for his campaign and remind his constituents of “the good old days”. It’s a big success, as many parents and grandparents take their children and grandchildren to show them how they used to make money back ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Legacies are a funny thing

I was visiting my grandparents in Italy and one night I sat down with my grandfather to ponder life. After several drink my grandfather brings me to the terrace and points out over the city.
He says to me “John, legacies are a funny thing.”
He points over to city hall “John do you see this b...

Drinking game for the eclipse

Tomorrow, take a shot for every post on r/tifu with a title that's anything along the lines of "TIFU by looking at the eclipse" or "TIFU by not watching my [sibling/child/parent/grandparent/friend/SO] during the eclipse".

In other words: Take a shot for everyone blinded by their ignorance.

Why doesn't Santa pay taxes?

Generations ago, when Santa's grandparents were in charge of the gift-giving industry, the North Pole was starting its population boom. Consequentially, the North Polish government decided they should tax these new and future residents to keep the nation afloat. But as Santa's grandparents had been ...

When I was kid, everytime we attend a wedding...

My grandparents always tease me that I will be next. They were not happy when I said the same thing when we saw a funeral procession.

There was a small boy. (Long)

He was always bothering his parents to tell them that he had to tinkle. It bothered his father that he said tinkle. So he came up with a code word for his child to let him know he had to go in public without saying tinkle. He said tell me you have to whisper instead. And so he started to tell his pa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish man walks up to an Asian man...

The Jewish man says

"Hey, your eyes are really squinted, must be hard for you to see, huh!"

The Asian man says

"Well at least I can see my grandparents."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Art of Singing

One day little Oscar went to visit his grandparents in their new home.

Soon Oscar needed to use the bathroom, so he told his grandma:
"Granny, I really need to piss!"

His gram told him: "Oscar, that's a really naughty expression! Why don't you use a nicer word... like *singing*?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People say that sex ed classes in America are uncomfortable. But I think that history classes in Germany are worse.

"Hey kids, you'll never guess what your grandparents did..."

The little girl asks her parents "Mom, Dad why did you name me Candy?"

The mom replies " because we want to be grandparents really soon"

I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

Literary position.

Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.

"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"

"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."
<...

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My Grandfathers story

My Grandfather told me a story today from many years ago.

He said he and my grandmother were driving down a long and dusty back road, sun beating down on a hot summers day.

When all of a sudden, they see an elderly lady walking a long the back road. Puzzled, my Grandfather pulls over ...

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Sharon still gets the d.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay?

We...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke I learned in middle school!

A boy is hearing his parents argue. His mom calls his dad a son of a bitch! And his dad calls his mom a bitch. The boy asks his parents what bitch and son of a bitch mean. The mom explains bitch means grandma. The dad explains that son of a bitch means grandpa. The boy is satisfied and goes off to p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband and Wife

A husband and wife are on their honeymoon and laying in bed the wife says, "I am so happy. We are going to have a wonderful life together. Is there anything I can do for you?" The man replies, "Please give me a blowjob." His wife quickly tells him, "I can't do that, honey. You wouldn't respect me." ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Polar Bear

A little polar bear goes to his father and says, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?" Dad replies, "I don't know son, go ask your mother." So the little polar bear finds his mom and asks, "Am I 100% polar bear?" Mom thinks about it for a while and says, "Well, I'm a polar bear and your father is a polar bea...

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Baby Polar Bear had a question for his dad

"Dad, am I 100% polar bear?" Hos dad smiled and responded "Baby Polar Bear, your mom is 100% polar bear, and I am too. Grandma and Grandpa are 100% as well. You are definitely 100% polar bear."

Unconvinced, Baby Polar Bear went to his mom. "Mom, am I 100% polar bear?" Mom grinned lovingly and...

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Grandma's cookies

Little Jimmy was visiting his grandparents one day and noticed grandpa was getting ready to go fishing and asked if he could come with.

"Can your dick reach around to your ass?" asked grandpa.

"Well, no, it can't" said jimmy.

"Well then sorry squirt, you can't go".

Grandm...

From where did the sperm whale get it's name?

Ask your grandparents.

What's the downside of being a redneck kid at Christmas?

You only get presents from one set of grandparents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was young...

When I was young I constantly had to go to weddings and put up with my grandparents winking at me and saying 'you're next'. They soon stopped that crap when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the spirit of Thanksgiving

A young boy is playing with his toys on Thanksgiving. His mother walks in the room and asks him to put his toys away. She tells him his grandparents are on the way and asks if he can go check on his brothers and dad to see if they're ready. The little boy obeys and wonders off to his brothers room. ...

An old woman notices her husband's fly is unzipped...

An old woman sees her husband's fly on his pants is unzipped. She says, "You left the barn door open. The cow is gonna get out if ya don't close it."

The old man replied, "It can't get out if it can't get up!"

(I adapted this from an actual exchange that my great grandparents had a few...

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A professor started class by telling this one... (NSFW?)

A boy was visiting his grandparents for the weekend. As he was playing he saw grandpa walk in with a cigarette.

"Can I have a cigarette?" the boy asked.

"Can your penis reach your anus?" Said grandpa.

"No" said the boy.

"Well when your penis can reach your anus you c...

What do you call people who teach their kids to use abstinence as birth control?

Grandparents.

So I was walking through rural Georgia when...

...I passed a little lady with white hair and deep wrinkles sitting on her front porch who waved to me. I decided to amble up, say hello, and see if I could determine the secret to her longevity.

She told me her name was Ida and that she'd lived in this house her whole life, just as her par...

WW2 joke. I read this conversation between two Counter-Strike players ingame...

(I came in mid-conversation and for me it started like this)

Player1: I cant believe your nick is Jewhunter, that's so offensive! My grandparents were in a concentration camp during the war.

Player2: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, my grandfather died in a concentration camp.

Player...

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My uncle told me this one

Little Johnny goes to visit his grandparents for a week.

On the first day, he sees his grandfather smoking a cigar.

"Grandpa, can i have a puff of your cigar?"

"Well Johnny, does your dick touch your asshole?"

"No.."

"Well then you can't have any of my cigar."
<...

My Pastor told me this one and it really hit home...

Some older people at a nursing home are complaining about getting older. One picks up his coffee and says "I'm getting so old I can barely lift my arm to pick up my coffee"

Someone sitting next to him says, "My cataracts is so bad I can barely see my coffee."

Someone behind them then s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can your dick touch your asshole? (NSFW language)

There once was a little boy who lived with his grandparents. One day the boy walked up to his grandfather who was smoking a cigar.
"Hey grandpa, can I have some of your cigar?" He asked.
"Can your dick touch your asshole?" the grandfather replied.
"No"
"Well you can't have any."
Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Graduation Trip

This past year, I graduated college, and decided to take a trip with a few buddies. We had some money left over from our college funds, and decided we would visit Europe. We had originally intended to go hiking in different European countries for a couple of weeks.

At my Graduation ceremony, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Another little Timmy joke

Little Timmy is at home, waiting for his grandparents to come for Thanksgiving.

He's really bored, so he decides to go scare his mother. He sneaks into her bathroom and yells 'BOO'. Lipstick smears across her face as she jumps and she screams 'SHIT'.

Timmy looks at his mom and asks 'M...