A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

Shoutout to my grandparents

Beause that's the only way they can hear me

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A kid goes to stay at his grandparents house for a weekend

On the first night, the kid and his grandad are sitting in the garage, Gramps is having a smoke. Kid says, "hey, can I get a puff?" Gramps says, "well. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Kid says, "no... What the hell??" Gramps says "well you can't have a puff of my cigar.

Next day, kid and ...

Went to visit my grandparents last night

And I'll tell you what, really made me feel like an old man myself you know?, I mean, by the time I was done digging I was just about ready to join them myself.

What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?

I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

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Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.

“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.

“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wir...

How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

What do you call a great great grandparent who had a child with a blood relative?

A incestor.


--*Sorry grammar, not my mother thongue*

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[nsfw] A boy goes to his grandparents house.

Grandpa and the boy are sitting in the den watching tv. The grandpa takes a hit off of his cigar.

Boy: “can I try that grandpa”

Grandpa: “does your dick touch your asshole”

Boy: “no”

Grandpa: “well you can’t try it”

A couple hours go by and grandpa is drinking ...

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

Heartbreaking

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

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A kid visiting his grandparents (I hope this isn’t a repost, I’m sorry if it is)

A kid was visiting his grandparents and he saw his grandpa smoking a pipe. The kids asks “Grandpa can I smoke your pipe?” The grandpa replies “Can your dick reach your asshole?” The kid says “No”. The grandpa says “then you’re not old enough”. A little later the grandpa is drinking some whiskey and...

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A boy is staying at his grandparent's house

A boy is staying at his grandparent's house for the weekend. On the first day, he walks past the grandpa carrying duct tape.

"Why do you have duct tape?" Asked the grandpa.

"I'm going to catch Ducks with it!" Said the boy.

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Said the grandpa...

I wonder what my grandparents did to fight boredom before the Internet.

I asked my parents and my 27 aunts and uncles...

They don't know either.

If you, your parents, and your grandparents use reddit, I guess you could say it’s

Haredditary

Today I went to visit my dead grandparents but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb

It was a grave mistake

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A 16yr old boy is cleaning his grandparents attic. When he uncovers a strange lamp.

As soon as he grabs the lamp a genie appears. "One and only one wish you have" bellows the genie. Being a young and naive boy only one thought comes to mind. Without much thought he blurts out "I wish the be in between the legs of a beautiful woman". The genie booms "wish granted". With a snap of hi...

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I walked into my grandparents house

and caught my grandad shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. "Grandad," I said, "You promised me that you'd spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed."

"I did," he replied, "Doesn't your nan look great!?"

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A boy visits his grandparents, and is sitting on the front porch with his grandfather.

Soon Grandma comes out and gives Grandpa a cigar. He lights up while the boy watches, and the boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Rather than answering, the man snaps, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" The boy thinks about this, then shakes his head no. "Of course not, because you're a l...

One night, Billy walked into his parents’ bedroom and found his dad fooling around in bed with his mom.

“Dad, what are you doing?” Billy asked.

“Well son, I’m playing cards,” his dad replied.

“What’s Mom doing?”

“Oh, she’s my wild card.”

That weekend, Billy went to spend the night at his grandparents. He woke up and went to their bedroom, and found his grandpa fooling arou...

My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident

They will be mist... :'(

I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.

I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.

My grandparents would always take me out to dinner when I was a kid and jokingly ask me, "Are you paying this time?"

I would laugh and say "No! I don't have any money". They did this right up until I started college. We went to dinner same as always but at the end they didn't ask me. It was strange but figured they forgot. Well after a while it started to bother me. Finally after dinner one night I asked them "Why...

What does the 'r' stand for in r/Jokes?

Answers:

1)Retired:Because my grandparents first told me these jokes

2)Recycled - see 1)

3)Recursive - see 3)

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TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

Scientists say you're more likely to die of what your grandparents died of rather than your parents

If anyone sees any German snipers let me know

Thanksgiving Dinner

A young couple and their 5 yr old son were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with all the Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, cousins and friends. The father asked who would like to say Grace. His young son spoke up, "I want say the prayer mommy says". His mother filled with pride, and told him to go ...

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A teenager is at his grandparents' house

He's staying for the weekend and it's pouring down rain outside. He's frustrated that he has to stay inside, so he sits at the window complaining. His grandfather comes up and sits next to him, resting an easy hand on his shoulder before speaking gently.

"Looks like it's raining a fair bit ou...

Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench.

One turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Shout out to my grandparents!

Not because they both helped out with something, but because they have a hearing disability.

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[NSFW] A boy visited his grandparents.

His grandpa takes him fishing. They are out on the water when grandpa pulls out a cigar. The boy says, "Hey grandpa, can I have one?"

Grandpa says, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The boy says, "No"

Grandpa says, "Well, then you can't have one."

Later on, Grandpa pulls ou...

Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ?

Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!

I was talking to a girl about WWII

It went something like this

Her: My grandparents were in a concentration camp


Me: So was my Grandfather. He died there


Her: :(


Me: Poor fella fell out of the guard tower

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Difference in Grandparents

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaught...

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Little Johnny is spending the weekend at his grandparents house

He is following his grandfather around. His grandfather gets on a big tractor to mow the lawn.

Fascinated, Johnny says, "Wow! Can i try to drive it?"

His granddad replies, "can the tip of your penis touch your asshole?"

Johnny, shocked, says "No..."

"Then you're not old e...

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My German grandparents used to hide Jewish children in their basement.

Turns out that gets you arrested in this day and age.

A 10-year old boy heard some screaming and rustling coming from his parent's room...

Thinking there is something wrong, he rushes in and sees his dad sweating and panting, and his mom turning red with embarrassment.
"What are you doing?" Asked the boy.
"Playing poker." Replied the dad.
"Oh, but what's mom doing here?"
The dad thinks about it, and replies, "she's my wild...

So many jokes about the Holocaust but how would you feel if your grandparent died in Auschwitz?

My grandad did, he fell off the guard tower.

How did our grandparents killed time when there were no Smartphones and Internet?

I already asked my mom, her four sisters and five brothers.

A redneck walks into a bar

Bartender: How's it going?

Redneck: Good, Going to visit my grandparents later.

Bartender: Mother's side or father's side?

Redneck: Yes

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The younger boy began praying at the top of his voice. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE!"

the older brother leaned over and nudged his younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"...

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A post today reminded me of a joke my grandparents told me from the old country

http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/1ko1i5/my_wife_just_called_me_at_work_and_said_um_youd/

Theres a famous joke that my great grandparents told me. Its whats called a "Chelm Story". In jewish folk tales there is a mystical city of fools called Chelm. In a typical Chelm story, a jew would ...

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?

Because they have a common enemy

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Timmy was staying at his grandparents house

Timmy was staying at his grandparents house for week during summer vacation.


One day his grandpa is smoking cigar, Timmy asked his grandpa can I try one. Grandpa asked does your dick reach all the way to your asshole? Timmy shook his head and said No. Then you can't smoke one said his g...

Grandpa on the porch

A man was coming up the walk on his way to visit his grandparents when he spotted his Grandfather sitting in a rocking chair on the porch, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing ?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him....

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I once saw my grandparents have sex

And that's why I don't eat raisins

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A baby polar bear asked his dad.

Am I pure polar bear?” The dad replies, “Sure you are. You are all polar bear, your parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.” Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, am I pure polar bear?” She answers, “Of course you are hon...

So a baby is named by his French, Chinese, and Redditor grandparents

A. L'Mao

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There once was this guy......

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.

When they got there, he a...

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Little Johnny is visiting his grandparents...

...during his summer vacation. The very first night after dinner he sees his grandpa enjoying a glass of scotch in his study. Johnny asks, "hey grandpa whatcha drinkin?" To which grandpa replies, "this is called whiskey Johnny." Johnny then asks, "can I try some?" With a smirk, Grandpa asks, "well, ...

What do grandparents smell like?

"Depends"

I starred in an award winning one man show...

about my life growing up in a small town. Because I love them so much, I bought my grandparents expensive box seats to see it. After the show they were so excited to tell me how great it was. My grandpa looked at me with pride in his eyes and said, “Congratulations. You played yourself.”

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A husband wakes up with a brutal hangover

When he enters the kitchen he sees that his wife made him an incredible breakfast. She smiles at him, gives him a hug, a kiss and whispers in his ear "I am sending our kid to the grandparents for tonight. I will have something special for you, don't expect any sleep." Then she leaves for work.
...

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

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A kid walks in on his parents taking a shower...

He hears them saying to one another: "Honey, you have big balls." "Babe, you have big tits".

The boy asks, "Mom, dad, what are tits and balls?"

His parents reply, "Oh, uhhh... that's just another way of saying hats and scarves, now go play." So the kid goes off to play.

Later...

A newly-wed couple move in together

Cynthia had known that Andrew was obsessed with football ("soccer"), but she hadn't realised just how much. Andrew spent hours every day watching games, reading commentary, and analysing player stats. As she did not care much for the sport, Cynthia was hoping to convince him to spend more time with ...

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One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”

One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”. Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly sai...

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This isn’t a hotel...

Back when I lived with my dad my brother and I were strictly raised to have good manners. Old fashioned manners. For instance when we had our grandparents over we were to set the table and clear the table including everyone's dishes. If we ever asked dad or anyone else to help out we always got the ...

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The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting....

The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits." She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you bastard." Well, the little boy heard every word
they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastard...

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My daughter's teacher just called me to say she was late today and missed first period.

I thought, "what a shitty way to congratulate me on becoming a grandparent!"

Idk what to call it so ima just leave the title like this

A husband and wife are staying with the wife's grandparents for a while. Their son, Bilbo, is going to bed one day. Bilbo says, "Night night Mummy. Night night Daddy. Night night Granny. Goodbye Grandpa."

The parents thought this strange, but anyway, the lives go on.

Until a week later...

An insurance-guy knocks on the door. 5-year old Timmy opens up.

Insurance-guy: Can i speak to your dad, please?

Timmy: No, he’s been killed by a tractor.

Insurance-guy: Oh. I’m so sorry. Can I speak to your mom then?

Timmy: No, she’s been killed by a tractor.

Insurance-guy: OMG that’s awful. Are at least your grandparents home, or a s...

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A Native American Boy Walks into His Family Tipi

The boy looks at his father as he has grown curious in life lately and asks him,

"Dad, why is your name rising sun?"

The boys father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when i was born your grandparents went outside with me and that's the first thing they saw, the rising sun."
...

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Legacies are a funny thing

I was visiting my grandparents in Italy and one night I sat down with my grandfather to ponder life. After several drink my grandfather brings me to the terrace and points out over the city.
He says to me “John, legacies are a funny thing.”
He points over to city hall “John do you see this b...

Drinking game for the eclipse

Tomorrow, take a shot for every post on r/tifu with a title that's anything along the lines of "TIFU by looking at the eclipse" or "TIFU by not watching my [sibling/child/parent/grandparent/friend/SO] during the eclipse".

In other words: Take a shot for everyone blinded by their ignorance.

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A Jewish man walks up to an Asian man...

The Jewish man says

"Hey, your eyes are really squinted, must be hard for you to see, huh!"

The Asian man says

"Well at least I can see my grandparents."

There was a small boy. (Long)

He was always bothering his parents to tell them that he had to tinkle. It bothered his father that he said tinkle. So he came up with a code word for his child to let him know he had to go in public without saying tinkle. He said tell me you have to whisper instead. And so he started to tell his pa...

GOP Lemonade Stand

A Republican senator has set up a lemonade stand selling lemonade for a dollar to raise money for his campaign and remind his constituents of “the good old days”. It’s a big success, as many parents and grandparents take their children and grandchildren to show them how they used to make money back ...

The little girl asks her parents "Mom, Dad why did you name me Candy?"

The mom replies " because we want to be grandparents really soon"

I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

Why doesn't Santa pay taxes?

Generations ago, when Santa's grandparents were in charge of the gift-giving industry, the North Pole was starting its population boom. Consequentially, the North Polish government decided they should tax these new and future residents to keep the nation afloat. But as Santa's grandparents had been ...

Literary position.

Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.

"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"

"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."
<...

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The Art of Singing

One day little Oscar went to visit his grandparents in their new home.

Soon Oscar needed to use the bathroom, so he told his grandma:
"Granny, I really need to piss!"

His gram told him: "Oscar, that's a really naughty expression! Why don't you use a nicer word... like *singing*?"...

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NSFW Little johnny is playing in his brothers room when...

he hears a rap song his brother is playing. The rap song says "pimps and hoes", and little johnny asks his brother what that means. His brother in a panic says "it means ladies and gentlemen!" His brother decides to turn off the music, but before he could hit the button the song continues on to say ...

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My Grandfathers story

My Grandfather told me a story today from many years ago.

He said he and my grandmother were driving down a long and dusty back road, sun beating down on a hot summers day.

When all of a sudden, they see an elderly lady walking a long the back road. Puzzled, my Grandfather pulls over ...

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Does Your Dick Touch Your Ass?

Over the course of a 3 day weekend, a boy is visiting his grandparents. We'll call this boy Jimmy.

One day, grandma decides to make some cookies, and gives them to the grandfather to share with Jimmy. We'll call the grandfather... Carl.

So, Carl, being the asshole of a grandfather he i...

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A joke I learned in middle school!

A boy is hearing his parents argue. His mom calls his dad a son of a bitch! And his dad calls his mom a bitch. The boy asks his parents what bitch and son of a bitch mean. The mom explains bitch means grandma. The dad explains that son of a bitch means grandpa. The boy is satisfied and goes off to p...

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Husband and Wife

A husband and wife are on their honeymoon and laying in bed the wife says, "I am so happy. We are going to have a wonderful life together. Is there anything I can do for you?" The man replies, "Please give me a blowjob." His wife quickly tells him, "I can't do that, honey. You wouldn't respect me." ...

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Grandma's cookies

Little Jimmy was visiting his grandparents one day and noticed grandpa was getting ready to go fishing and asked if he could come with.

"Can your dick reach around to your ass?" asked grandpa.

"Well, no, it can't" said jimmy.

"Well then sorry squirt, you can't go".

Grandm...

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Little Polar Bear

A little polar bear goes to his father and says, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?" Dad replies, "I don't know son, go ask your mother." So the little polar bear finds his mom and asks, "Am I 100% polar bear?" Mom thinks about it for a while and says, "Well, I'm a polar bear and your father is a polar bea...

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Sharon still gets the d.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay?

We...

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Baby Polar Bear had a question for his dad

"Dad, am I 100% polar bear?" Hos dad smiled and responded "Baby Polar Bear, your mom is 100% polar bear, and I am too. Grandma and Grandpa are 100% as well. You are definitely 100% polar bear."

Unconvinced, Baby Polar Bear went to his mom. "Mom, am I 100% polar bear?" Mom grinned lovingly and...

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