UPJOKE
motherfathergrandmothergrandmagrandfathergrandpafamilygrandchildchildparentpaternalgranddadgrannyparentsgrandad

Myself, my kids, my parents, my brother, and my grandparents all have terrible diarrhea.

Runs in the family.

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Timothy was visiting his grandparents

for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents was happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents was very religious people, and did not take care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, ...

Shoutout to my grandparents

Beause that's the only way they can hear me

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean

But obviously I called them my Grandad and Nana na na na na na na nanana

How I plan on never becoming a Grandparent..

I’ll be naming my daughter pregnant so when a guy meets her.

Guy: Hi, I’m Paul.

Her: Hi, I’m pregnant.

Case closed.

23andme is a fake, rip-off scam website.

The results of my ancestry came back 85% German and 10% Bavarian/Eastern European, but I know *FOR A FACT* that my grandparents came to the USA from **Argentina!**

My grandparents think that I depend too much on technology.

They always talk about how much my generation depends on technology, and my grandfather always mentions it whenever I visit them, so then I replied, “no, your generation depends too much on technology.”

Then I unplugged his life support.

Little Timmy went into his grandparent's bedroom.

He found his grandpa and grandma half-naked, fooling around in bed.

He asked his grandpa what they are doing.

Grandpa said: "Your grandma is my wild card"

Little Timmy left the room confused, so he entered his parent's bedroom and found mommy and daddy half-naked, fooling around...

Why Einstein loved his parents and grandparents?

They were all relatives.

I find it really awkward that my Grandparents named my Dad's sister "Vaccine"...

I'm embarrassed to tell people that she's Auntie Vax.

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

I Went To a Cemetery Today

With my grandparents. I have been before, and there are such beautiful flowers planted and some pretty hiking trails that go behind the cemetery. I was telling my grandparents about it, and my grandmother said in the most excited tone “I’m just dying to get in there!”

My great great grandparents sacrificed a lot for our family. So as an Alabamian, family values are important to me...

I have to honor my incestors.

My Grandparents are old school conservative

My wife and I went to stay with them so they demanded I share a bad with my grandfather and my wife would share a bed when my grandmother.

In the middle of the night my grandad shakes me awake and I ask "what's wrong?"

He says to me "I'm going down to service your grandmother and I'll ...

My grandparents fought during World War II.

They ended up getting a divorce.

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[nsfw] A boy goes to his grandparents house.

Grandpa and the boy are sitting in the den watching tv. The grandpa takes a hit off of his cigar.

Boy: “can I try that grandpa”

Grandpa: “does your dick touch your asshole”

Boy: “no”

Grandpa: “well you can’t try it”

A couple hours go by and grandpa is drinking ...

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Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.

“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.

“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wir...

I’ve always loved farming, and farmers are some of the most loving people.

There has always been an innate desire in me, and I believe in all humans, to begin farming at some level. From being outside to doing labor where your mind can wander into different places, I love it.

I have never considered myself a big animal person, but I’ve fallen in love with horses, s...

My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident

They will be mist... :'(

What do you call a great great grandparent who had a child with a blood relative?

A incestor.


--*Sorry grammar, not my mother thongue*

So many jokes about the Holocaust but how would you feel if your grandparent died in Auschwitz?

My grandad did, he fell off the guard tower.

One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”
Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”
“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma...

I just found out my grandparents got infected.

I can’t believe it honestly. I told them to use protection and stuff but they wouldn’t listen and now the whole care homes got it. Oh well at least it’s easy to treat chlamydia now a days.

My entire family urged me to get an abortion but my grandparents supported my decision.

They are great grandparents.

The Chemical

*One day a boy came home from school. when his grandfather saw him and noticed that his index finger was still and did not move. The grandfather asked him: My dear grandson, why is your finger like this? The boy replied: In the chemistry lab, a chemical was spilled on my finger and the school doctor...

What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?

I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.

I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.

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My grandparents used to have sex once a week, on a Sunday, in time to the nearby church bells

My grandad would still be alive if it wasn't for that damn ice cream van

My Grandparents were Trekkies, and named my father after their favourite Captain

when I was young, I was frequently hoisted by my own Picard

My parents had me late in life so I never met any of my grandparents. No body was suprised about this

It was a four gone conclusion

The class is learning about the holocaust, when the teacher asks if anyone's grandparents died in the deathcamps. Little Billy puts his hand up.

"Oh... Class, let us hold a minute of silence for him. If it is not too indiscreet, how did he die?"

"Fell off a watchtower."

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A boy and his Grandpa are out looking for nightcrawlers in their backyard to go fishing.

When the boy pulls out a huge nightcrawler and exclaims to his Grandpa " Grandpa, look at this ONE!"

His Grandpa says "That's quite the big nightcrawler you got there. Hey, bet ya 5 bucks you can't get that nightcrawler back in it's hole."

The little boy says "Deal!". Then runs inside ...

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A kid goes to stay at his grandparents house for a weekend

On the first night, the kid and his grandad are sitting in the garage, Gramps is having a smoke. Kid says, "hey, can I get a puff?" Gramps says, "well. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Kid says, "no... What the hell??" Gramps says "well you can't have a puff of my cigar.

Next day, kid and ...

Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ?

Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!

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Difference in Grandparents

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaught...

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A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

A city boy comes to visit his grandparents on their farm and spend the night.

It's been years since they last saw him, and over dinner they reminisce the times that he came to visit over the summer as a kid. Most of the stories Grandpa brought up were about his grandson's dumb attempts to help out.

"Why, I remember when you said you could feed the chickens and gave the...

My grandparents are from San Juan, Puerto Rico, but the rest of my family is European.

I guess that makes me Quarter-Rican.

My Grandparents passed away together last night. He went peacefully in his sleep, but she was apparently distraught before dying, screaming and crying hysterically

I guess we really should've taken away his license

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I walked into my grandparents house

and caught my grandad shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. "Grandad," I said, "You promised me that you'd spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed."

"I did," he replied, "Doesn't your nan look great!?"

Went to visit my grandparents last night

And I'll tell you what, really made me feel like an old man myself you know?, I mean, by the time I was done digging I was just about ready to join them myself.

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

Scientists say you're more likely to die of what your grandparents died of rather than your parents

If anyone sees any German snipers let me know

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A post today reminded me of a joke my grandparents told me from the old country

http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/1ko1i5/my_wife_just_called_me_at_work_and_said_um_youd/

Theres a famous joke that my great grandparents told me. Its whats called a "Chelm Story". In jewish folk tales there is a mystical city of fools called Chelm. In a typical Chelm story, a jew would ...

Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench.

One turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The younger boy began praying at the top of his voice. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE!"

the older brother leaned over and nudged his younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"...

My grandparents would always take me out to dinner when I was a kid and jokingly ask me, "Are you paying this time?"

I would laugh and say "No! I don't have any money". They did this right up until I started college. We went to dinner same as always but at the end they didn't ask me. It was strange but figured they forgot. Well after a while it started to bother me. Finally after dinner one night I asked them "Why...

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[NSFW] A boy visited his grandparents.

His grandpa takes him fishing. They are out on the water when grandpa pulls out a cigar. The boy says, "Hey grandpa, can I have one?"

Grandpa says, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The boy says, "No"

Grandpa says, "Well, then you can't have one."

Later on, Grandpa pulls ou...

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Little Johnny is spending the weekend at his grandparents house

He is following his grandfather around. His grandfather gets on a big tractor to mow the lawn.

Fascinated, Johnny says, "Wow! Can i try to drive it?"

His granddad replies, "can the tip of your penis touch your asshole?"

Johnny, shocked, says "No..."

"Then you're not old e...

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A boy visits his grandparents, and is sitting on the front porch with his grandfather.

Soon Grandma comes out and gives Grandpa a cigar. He lights up while the boy watches, and the boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Rather than answering, the man snaps, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" The boy thinks about this, then shakes his head no. "Of course not, because you're a l...

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

A child is visiting his grandparents.

While there, he says to Grandpa:

*- Grandpa, tell me a story about Vietnam!*

The old man says:

*- May 1969, near Khe Sanh. I was in a chopper with four other Marines and the pilot, and some gook shot the pilot. We survived, but the Charlie were waiting there. And then there we w...

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The funniest thing my grandpa ever said

I was visiting my grandparents a couple years back and my grandma brought up that the PA at the local clinic, an attractive 30-something year-old woman, was moving out of town. My grandpa piped up with "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her. Do you know how hard it is for a man my age to get a 33 year old woma...

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Testicles are like grandparents.

You don't really pay them too much attention, but you miss them when they're gone.

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My German grandparents used to hide Jewish children in their basement.

Turns out that gets you arrested in this day and age.

A 10-year old boy heard some screaming and rustling coming from his parent's room...

Thinking there is something wrong, he rushes in and sees his dad sweating and panting, and his mom turning red with embarrassment.
"What are you doing?" Asked the boy.
"Playing poker." Replied the dad.
"Oh, but what's mom doing here?"
The dad thinks about it, and replies, "she's my wild...

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A teenager is at his grandparents' house

He's staying for the weekend and it's pouring down rain outside. He's frustrated that he has to stay inside, so he sits at the window complaining. His grandfather comes up and sits next to him, resting an easy hand on his shoulder before speaking gently.

"Looks like it's raining a fair bit ou...

If you, your parents, and your grandparents use reddit, I guess you could say it’s

Haredditary

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A kid visiting his grandparents (I hope this isn’t a repost, I’m sorry if it is)

A kid was visiting his grandparents and he saw his grandpa smoking a pipe. The kids asks “Grandpa can I smoke your pipe?” The grandpa replies “Can your dick reach your asshole?” The kid says “No”. The grandpa says “then you’re not old enough”. A little later the grandpa is drinking some whiskey and...

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a ...

Today I went to visit my dead grandparents but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb

It was a grave mistake

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A 16yr old boy is cleaning his grandparents attic. When he uncovers a strange lamp.

As soon as he grabs the lamp a genie appears. "One and only one wish you have" bellows the genie. Being a young and naive boy only one thought comes to mind. Without much thought he blurts out "I wish the be in between the legs of a beautiful woman". The genie booms "wish granted". With a snap of hi...

Shout out to my grandparents!

Not because they both helped out with something, but because they have a hearing disability.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?

Because they have a common enemy

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Timmy was staying at his grandparents house

Timmy was staying at his grandparents house for week during summer vacation.


One day his grandpa is smoking cigar, Timmy asked his grandpa can I try one. Grandpa asked does your dick reach all the way to your asshole? Timmy shook his head and said No. Then you can't smoke one said his g...

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Little Johnny is visiting his grandparents...

...during his summer vacation. The very first night after dinner he sees his grandpa enjoying a glass of scotch in his study. Johnny asks, "hey grandpa whatcha drinkin?" To which grandpa replies, "this is called whiskey Johnny." Johnny then asks, "can I try some?" With a smirk, Grandpa asks, "well, ...

So a baby is named by his French, Chinese, and Redditor grandparents

A. L'Mao

What do grandparents smell like?

"Depends"

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your child...

True story ( I hope you see the humour)

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from wher...

What do you call a parent who denies their child birth control?

Grandparent!

What do they call the Coronavirus in China?

The One Grandparent Policy

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

The secret to a good marriage

It was grandparents day at school.

"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.

"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now....

Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his...

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A Child walks in on his parents...

He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"

The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"

1 week later He walks in on his grandparents

He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"

The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"
<...

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

What's Donald Trump giving up for Lent this year?

Your grandparents.

A pair of parents are in court for abusing their child...

The judge: Parents where do you think your child should stay since you lost custody.

The parents: we should send them to his grandparents they don’t beat him.

The child: no, they beat me too!

The parents: fine, your aunt and uncle

The child: you don’t get it everyone in o...

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

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Researchers have found that human sexuality has drastically changed in the last 50 years alone. (NSFW)

If your grandparents covered their furniture in plastic, it was because your grandmother was a squirter.

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Grandpa’s take on porn

While visiting his grandparents, a teen walks into the living room and sees that he’s grandpa is watching porn. Slightly shocked the grandson says “Grandpa, what are you doing?” Grandpa not in the least bit startled replies “watching history shows sonny” so the grandson realizing the old man’s mista...

Little Johnny

An insurance officer comes to a farm and meets Little Johnny and asks,

"Hello, are your parents home by any chance?"

Little Johnny: "My parents were run over by the tractor ..."

Insurance officer: "Really? That's awful! Are your siblings at home?"

Little Johnny: "Run ...

I told my family a Coronavirus joke...

...my grandparents were the only ones who got it.

A Lumberjack is out cutting wood with his son

A Lumberjack is out working and has brought his son along to show him what he does, as he hopes the son will inherit the business one day. The following conversation occurs.

Son: Why do you do what you do, Dad?

Lumberjack: Well son, this is our family business! I inherited it from your...

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

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Grandfather and Grandson

A boy was told to spend the week with his grandparents, so he did. He often found himself spending time with his grandpa. He didn’t know why because his grandpa would not let him do anything.

When they went fishing, the boy asked if he could hold the pole, and his foul mouthed grandpa asked, ...

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TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

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