If a woman marries a man with grandkids

Does she become an Instagram?

Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.

They still got in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

I’m so tired of babysitting my mom’s grandkids

Disclosure: Yes they’re mine but they like her more

MADE MY OWN GRANDKIDS

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Years and years after WWII ended an old man was sitting in his chair and telling his grandkids stories about it...

You see kids, we were surrounded all of a sudden, a huge number of German troops came. Kids.... I shit myself.
The kid says " oh wow grandpa what did you do then?"
"Oh no" the grandpa says "I shit myself now, and back then I ran away"

Excited grandkids: “Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a noise like a frog?!”

Grandpa: “I guess so, let me try.

*Ribbet, ribbet.*

How was that, was it good enough for you?”

Excited Grandkids: “Hooray! Let’s go tell Dad!”

Grandpa: “What’s the big deal?”

Excited Grandkids: “Dad’s been saying ‘As soon as that old fart croaks we’re all ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m at the bar right now (getting food I’m not an alcoholic I promise) and…

There’s these two guys are arguing and one asked “Jerry, howcome you got so many grandkids and I don’t?”

And he answers, “I taught my kids how to multiply”

I fuckin’ lost it

A granny is walking to the store when she is stopped by a military checkpoint

Soldiers inform her that she can't cross the bridge because it was destroyed. "Destroyed how? I can plainly see it and there is nothing wrong with it." "No, no, ma'am" explains the soldier. "According to the exercise scenario this bridge was destroyed yesterday and we can't let anybody cross." "But ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very old veteran is telling a war story to his grandkids...

"So... My commander told me I was volunteering for scouting the area... So I grabbed my gun and went. After maybe two miles crawling in the mud, I fell into a hole and lost my rifle. As I got up, I found myself unarmed in front of 5 german soldiers! And then.... I shat my pants....

-That's un...

He Knows You

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:



Attendant: How may I help you?



Old Man: Please fill it up.



Old Lady: What did he say?



Old Man \[yelling\]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.



Attendant: So, where ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man who is a veteran of the great war was sitting in his chair next to his fireplace as usual when his grandchildren came for a cool story...

The kids asked "Grandpa grandpa! Tell us a story from your times of war before bed! Please please pleeease..."
The man is sick of telling those stories because they always remind him of the bad times and out of anger, he goes:

-One day when we were in the trench, the enemy got us outnumber...

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the bo...

An old man is on his death bed...

An old man is on his death bed, and his family has come in from all over the country to be with him in his final hours.

He opens his eyes, and says "Is Ruthie here? My beautiful, loyal wife?"

"Oh yes, my handsome prince! I'm right here!" Ruthie replies

He continues, "...and wha...

Keep your receipt

Two old guys are sitting on a park bench. The first guy says “I got this new hearing aid. It’s amazing! It’s top of the line and I can finally hear my grandkids playing! ”

The second guy says “What kind is it?”
First guy looks at his watch: “About two thirty .”

I just read Fahrenheit 451

Or as my grandkids will call it, 11/22/2063

Bilingual dad joke

What do you call a pineapple with grandkids?



Anana

The worst part about being an antivaxer is

I never got to spoil my grandkids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Green ping pong ball.

These was once a girl, Sara, whos third birthday was coming up, and as this was the first time she was old enough to really understand what was happening, her parents asked her what she wanted.
"I want a green ping pong ball!" Sara answered immediately and without a hint of uncertainty. The par...

I'm glad that DeVos was confirmed as education secretary.

Now I don't have to worry about my grandkids being able to read some of my dumbest Facebook posts... or anything else, for that matter.

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit)

Some bullet points about my Dad:

* Has a BMW trophy car
* Loves golf
* Loves Steak
* Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal)
* Balding (but so am I...)
* His shoulder and knee have needed surgery
* Worked everyday of his life since he was 15
* Raised 3 kids
*...

Never mess with them Again

Mitsy and Milda were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.

Mitsy said,

“My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their thank you notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I always received a lovely thank you note. Ho...

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, at home...

A very, very old Jewish man, realizing he is in his final days, decides to go the traditional way and let nature take its course in his own bed at home. One day things take a turn for the worse and he calls his adult children to his bedside. While his wife is preparing food in the kitchen, he shares...

Two black eyes

A friend of mine was walking out of church service and I noticed he had two black eyes. I asked what happened. "Well, he said, "I was sitting behind Mrs. Brown, you know, the large woman with all those grandkids; the one that always dresses real fancy. Well, I noticed her dress had accidently got t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Glorious bastard.

An old veteran setting with his grandkids telling tails about his glories in Vietnam, "I lost contact to the base, and five bastards surrounded me, I tried to fight, but they outnumbered me, they said we either kill you here right now, or you suck our dicks and we let you go". "So what happened gra...

So a guy lies on his death bed.

An old man is on his death bed. His entire family is by his side. He asks his daughter "Anna, are you there?" His daughter Anna says "yes father im here." The man then asks " What about my son is he here?" His son says "yes im here." "What about my grandkids," the old man said, growing more raspy. "...

What does Jerry Jones do after winning the Super Bowl?

Gives the X Box back to grandkids

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.