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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

Dude, somebody broke on and stole our mayonnaise.

What, the hellmann?

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

So one guy say to the other guy "hey dude, do you want a pamphlet?"

The other guy says "brochure"

Friend: Dude! My gf is pregnant and I'm not sure how it happened!

Me: Hi Not sure how it happened, I'm dad

DUDE!! I went to the gas station to get a Pepsi

DUDE!! I went to the gas station to get a Pepsi and as I walk up, I noticed these 2 Policemen watching a woman smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid and crazy, especially with the Policemen standing RIGHT there. Anyway, I minded my own business and went and picked...

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You hear about the dude who failed Masturbation 101?

He couldn't get a grip on it.

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I held the door open for a japanese dude today

He said “sank you”

So I punched him in the fucking face, its not cool to bring up pearl harbor like that.

Him: Dude, what gift should i give to a girl that has a meaning?

Me: A dictionary.

Dude 1: what mouse walks on two feet?

Dude 2: I d’know

Dude 1: Mickey Mouse

Dude 1: now what duck walks on two feet?

Dude 2: Donald Duck :)

Dude 1: every duck you fuming moron


Don’t know if this is funny I found it so
Also don’t know if it’s been posted my friend told me it.

Some dude died in the gutter

It was ruled a sewer cide

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"Dude, you won't believe what happened last night."

"What happened?"

"Bathroom lights automatically switched ON when I opened the door."

"Fuck, is that why fridge was smelling like piss?"

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes

I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure.”

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I really hate it when homeless dudes rattle their cup of change in front of me...

...I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

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Dude, you've been making butter all day!

It's my churn

Tank navigator: hey dude

Tank driver: yea?


Tank navigator: can ya pass me that shell?


Tank driver: ye sure


Tank navigator: tank you

I want the get 99 dudes together to sing Africa by Toto

Because that's something that 100 men or more could never do.

A sketchy dude was trying to sell me an elaborate pillowcase.

Turns out it was a sham.

Cold War Era Joke: This Russian dude had a talking parrot. A very special parrot who loved cursing the regime, and the Communist party leaders. One day, hard knocks on the door, "KGB, open up!". The guy hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB searches the apartment and cannot find the parrot.

The KGB agents give the guy a warning. Once they leave, he runs to the freezer takes out the shivering bird and hugs it and tells the parrot to curse the revolution. The parrot is mum. "Com'on curse Brezhniev , curse the KGB. The parrot looks at the guy and says "I've just been to Siberia! I'm not t...

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Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?

A cock a dude'll do.

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

I asked a tall dude “how’s the weather up there?”

He spat on me and told me it’s raining

The killing of Julius Caesar is a perfect example of group project. 60 dudes agreed to kill Caesar

But there were only 23 stab wounds

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[NFSW] 2 dudes were chatting on the phone

The first one types

"DUDE I WAS WATCHING PORN AND MY GF ENTERED THROUGH THE DOOR"

The second one asks

"What is the problem?"

The first one responds

"SHE ENTERED THROUGH THE DOOR IN THE VIDEO"

I lost my watch at a club last night. I thought I would never find it, but I decided to try.Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it.

The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this women. When she made it very clear that she didn't want "it" he slapped her. That's when I sprung into action and knocked him out. Because you don't hit a women. Not on my watch.!!

Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter"?

He said "Nein, I am ze German... but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/

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A man steps into a brothel (nsfw)

He approaches the head mistress and says what can I get for $5? The head mistress takes him to a room with a morbidly obese woman. He doesn't enjoy it but it got the job done.

Next week he goes back and tells the mistress he only has $4 this time so she takes him to a room with a chicken in...

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.

The...

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I forgot to tell you a secret.

\*me and my friend talking\*

My friend: Dude I have a secret to tell you.

**Me**: Cool, what is it?

My Friend: Dumbass, I said it's a secret.

**Me**: I see. Oh I forgot to tell you something.

My Friend: What is it?

**Me**: Dipshit, I said I forgot it.

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Dude was in prison and his cell mate had leprosy

Every day his cell mate would have a part of the body fall from his body

One day, it was the ear. He picked it up and threw it away through the window

The other day, the little finger; away through the window

On the day after, the thumbs, also away through the window

On...

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.

Bartender says "I'm sorry sir, you already seem very drunk, I cannot serve you."

Guy gets up and leaves.

A few minutes later, he comes in again, sits down at the bar and tries ordering another drink.

"I'm sorry sir, but I cannot serve you because you already seem drunk. Please l...

This dude walks into a library and asks the librarian "have you got any books on paranoia"?

The librarians says, "They're right behind you"!

So the dude dies and gets to the Heaven's Gate...

... where St. Peter tells him that he didn't do anything particularly good or bad in life, so he actually gets to choose whether he goes to Hell or Heaven. He's even kind enough to offer him a tour to both places, so he has a better idea.

So first, he starts with Heaven. Which is really nice...

Dude #1: “I’ve got a thing for plucking people’s eyes out.”

Dude #2: “I can see that.”

Dude #1: “No you can’t.”

Dude exclusively hangs out with other dudes...kisses the dude he loves best...never gets married or even has a gf. You’re thinking what I’m thinking, right?

Yep, it’s Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

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I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night

Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter?

Dude 1 : they all did.

Why where there two dudes in a ambulance

Cause they were a pair-a-medics

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One night I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot. Like really? Wtf dude?!

I was gonna eat that, but now it just tastes like carrots

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What do you call a dude flashing his dick in public?

Pubic nuisance

There was a car accident where one dude lost the left side of his body

He’s all right now

Why did the Mexican dude push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!

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A dude walks into a bank...

"Hi, I'd like to open a fucking bank account!"

The lady teller is a bit offended and asks the man to calm down.

"What do you mean calm down? I'm fucking calm!"

"Sir, if you don't stop with the offensive language , I will have to call my manager!"

"What the fuck are you ta...

The dude working at the morgue is really rude.

I needed a helping hand but he just gave me the cold shoulder.

This dude and his wife are walking in the park.

They see a dog sitting there, licking its balls.

The guy goes "Man I sure wish I could do that!".

Wife: "OK, but I think you should pet him first".

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.



Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.



"These bird...

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The local bar in town was looking for a piano player to play on weekends

I obliged because I love to play, and I could really use the money at the time.

Anyway, I am at the interview/audition playing a couple songs for the owner. The owner walks over to me after the first song and says, "You're pretty good, man. What's that one called?"

Me: "Fuck You Dude"...

"Dude, I just curdled and strained milk!"

"That's impossible! There's no whey!"

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This dude goes to the doctor and says "I have a tiny penis"

The Dr says "don't worry, everyone is different". So the dude drops his pants the Dr he erupts with laughter!

"Jesus you weren't kidding!" says the Dr. "So what's the problem"?

"It's really swollen".

Two teenagers, Liam and Noah were sitting outside on a bench after school...

...Liam looked at Noah.

"Yo dude, did you do anything fun this weekend?"

Noah replied," Not really, how about you?"

"Oh man, I was at Joe's house for a party last night and he had toilet bowls made of pure gold, You wouldn't believe it!"

"No way dude, that's impossible, ...

Two guys at a park see a dog licking its own junk.

One man turns the other end says, "I wish I could do that."

The other replies, "Dude, that dog would bite you."

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, wh...

A dude goes for a job on a building site. The Forman asks him...

"The two criteria for this job," he begins "can you make a pot of tea?"


"Sure. When I make tea it's the world's greatest."

"Can you drive a forklift?" Asks the Forman

"£UCKING...HELL! How big is the teapot?!"

This dude walked up to me and was like “bro, do you want this pamphlet?”

Bro, sure!

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My friend just asked me how I would react if I saw someone with a micropenis ejaculating.

I replied "Woah dude, that came out of no where!"

What's your name

Dude 1: Hey, my name is John Jacob Jinglehimer schmidt, what's your name?



Dude 2: Ok, look, you're not gonna believe this...

Last night, I was listening to some guy bragging about his one night stand.

I was like, so what dude. I have two night stands; one on either side of my bed.

How many Suh Dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, it's already lit fam

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Did you remember how awkward it was

the talk your parents give you about sex.
Like so fucking awkward dude.
"Did you already cum".
Like yeah mom... Damn!!

Dude walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the bartender, "What are those for?"

Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for one hour. If you miss, everyone else's drinks are on you. Do you wanna try?"

"Nah, the steaks are too high."

"Hey, don't make jokes about AIDS"

"Really dude, are you sure i can't making jokes about AIDS"

"Im not just sure, Im HIV positive."



(Credit to southpark, but tweaked a bit)

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

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"Dude, you're so gay."

"That's not what your dad said last night!"

My friend took a girl home from a bar and later found out that she was a dude.

He didn’t go through with the trans action.

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

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3 dudes stranded in an island

3 dudes stranded in an island. They are trying to survive together, unfortunately, there is a cult around there and the cult captures them right away. More for their despair, the cult leader is a human eater dude who loves sick stuff.

The leader gives 3 dudes a challenge. They will let them...

A dude wanted some weed for a kickback. The seller asked him, “how much”

He responded, “for twenty”

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A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida...

And goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so ...

A naked man runs into a tailor's shop.

The tailor says "you can't be in here with no clothes on!"

The man says "aw come on dude, cut me some slacks?"

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A kid goes to stay at his grandparents house for a weekend

On the first night, the kid and his grandad are sitting in the garage, Gramps is having a smoke. Kid says, "hey, can I get a puff?" Gramps says, "well. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Kid says, "no... What the hell??" Gramps says "well you can't have a puff of my cigar.

Next day, kid and ...

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

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Weight loss challenge

At the bar there was a guy who was fat and kept getting rejected by all the girls there.
Seeing this one man approaches the other fat guy.
He challenges him that he can make him slim in 30 days and charge him $15000. If he fails to do so he will pay the fat guy the same.
The fat guy accepts...

So Bill Gates walks into an Apple store and farts the hell out of life. Everyone looks at him and says dude wtf it stinks.

Bill Gates b like "well its not my problem ya'll dont have windows in here"

Why was the black dude relieved when he found out the cannibals he ran into were racist?

They didn’t serve his kind there.

Do all three and get the money

A guy goes into a bar and sees a huge jar filled to the top with money. He asks the bar tender what's with the jar of money?

The bar tender says if you want that money you have to knock out the huge dude at the end of the bar, go back in the alley and pull the sore tooth out of the junkyard...

Thank you Alexa

Burglar: *points gun at me* Alright buddy just show me your valuables and nobody gets hurt

Me: Haha sure thing dude - ALEXA CALL THE POLICE

Alexa: “Shuffling songs by The Police”

*Roxanne plays as I get shot 16 times*

I HATE IT WHEN...

I hate it when guys call their girlfriends their "partner in crime".
Like we get it dude she's underage

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Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a dude...

They feel great at first, but then you look down and realize you're gay.

Two stoners are talking about religion, "Dude. Did you know that like, uh, God, he has a name?" The other replies, "Really dude? No way!"

The first answers, "Yahweh!"

A dude calls a repairman to fix his doorbell.

3 hours later the dude calls the repairman

Dude - Hey man where are you?
Repairman - I've been ringing your god damn doorbell for 2 hours straight and you didn't answer!

Warning: scam

Some dude is selling what he calls an "Elixir for Immortality" in town. He came to me, suspiciously, with some of those bottles, but I refused, and contacted the police. They told me they know of this scam, and this person in particular. They said they've already arrested him multiple times for it. ...

So, a dude hits on a girl he had a crush on for a while.

Him: Damn, girl! Are you New York City??
Her: Lol, no. Why?
Him: Cos you're looking very NYC today.

After Dating for a month:

Him: Damn, girl! Are you a newspaper?
Her: Uh, lemme guess, you think I'm the storehouse of knowledge?
Him: Nah, there's a new issue with ya every d...

I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$

I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

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3 men went on a skiing vacation

They ordered a lodge to sleep in, but when the got there, there was only 1 bed, so they had to all share it. The next morning the 2 men on the sides were covered in cum, while the middle one was fairly clean. They all came to a consensus that someone jerked off over night. The 2 on the sides both sa...

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

What do Donald Trump and the Dude have in common?

They both love white Russians.

Wife asked me to take out a spider instead of killing it...

So I did, hit a few bars, dude is cool, wants to go into web design.

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