My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.

The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't.

She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

How dudes gonna talk about a motherboard

When they don’t even know their daddyboard

Fiction Logic: How many anime dudes does it take to change a lightbulb

One...

But it takes them 10 god damn episodes.

Dude buys two dogs.

Names them One and Two. One ran away but he's still got Two.

Two corpses are lying in a grave and one turns to the other and says,”Dude, why are you rotting?”

The other turns to him and says, “I decay.”

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Two dudes are just hanging out

Dude 1 says "if you went camping and woke up with your pants around your ankles and semen coming out of ur ass, would you tell anyone?"

Dude 2 "No"

Dude 1 "You wanna go camping?"

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

Dude would pass by the barber shop every other day

Asking how many clients the barber had...
— how many today chief?
— just one. The barber said
— ok! Kinda busy. I’ll come back later! Thanks! The guy replied

The next day the same story.
— how many today chief?
— 3!
— sorry mate. Kind busy! Talk to you later!

That’...

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A traveling salesman walks into a bar. It's empty except for a guy sitting in one corner nursing a beer and looking terribly bitter. The salesman orders a drink and sits down at the old dude's table.

A traveling salesman walks into a bar. It's empty except for a guy sitting in one corner nursing a beer and looking terribly bitter. The salesman orders a drink and sits down at the old dude's table.

"What's got you so down, buddy?" he asks.

"You new in town?" the old drunk asks.
...

A group of dudes are walking through the park

They see a young pair banging in the bushes. One of the dudes can't help himself but comment:

"Hey, man, leave some for us!"

"I can't, I inserted everything."

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I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

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I would totally kiss a dude for some 2% milk right now

No Homo

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Someone showed me a porn movie with 2 dudes and one girl and said that it's called threesome

I said it's a DVD

I saw a dude ordering an Uber as he left the gym

so I asked him, "Do you even Lyft, bro?"

So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager.

Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."

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A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second p...

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

So this dude dies and goes to heaven...

... as he's approaching the pearly gates, St Peter says to him. "Ok, it's like this. You don't get into heaven just for being good anymore. You have to have done something really great. Can you think of anything that might qualify you?"

The man says. "Well, I once saw a group of really m...

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Why are cheap dudes picky on prostitutes?

Because they want the best bang for their buck.

I saw a man getting mugged by 2 dudes so I stepped in to help

he didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us

Dude, that scary clown followed us to Wales.

Welsh It.

I've worked with that dude for six weeks, but saw him with his mask off and thought he was a stranger!

It was a simple case of mask-staken identity.

How does a dude know he’s a necrophiliac ?

He gets mourning wood.

Some dude just rubbed me down with cocoa powder, espresso, and mascarpone cheese...

Turns out he was a tiramassuse

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

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A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar

They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.

The bartender says "that'll be 2020"

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After sex the dude rolls off the condom, ties a knot on it and throws it into the bin.

The girl goes "I wonder if any of the sperms in there made it to my uterus, what would they have become later in life" The guy responds "If any of them make it out of the rubber, climb out of the bin and get you pregnant, they'd be David Copperfield"

I just saw a dude chug from a beaker labeled ‘Fe’

That’s metal.

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I was on my phone reading the news waiting in the supermarket checkout line. A dude came up and asked me, “what’s in the news tonight?”

Me: “Man who pays no taxes returns to government provided housing after receiving free medical treatment from taxpayer funded healthcare.”

Dude: “sounds like some libtard bullshit.”

Me: “Yeah, here is another - Husband of immigrant woman ignores government health guidelines and possibl...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea...

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I’m getting old.

A dude stuck two fingers up my ass last week.
And insurance paid for it.

Did you hear about the woman who went down on the dude with a painted face who only used his hands and facial expressions to communicate?

It was mime-blowing

Dude is late for job interview for a bus driver.

Dude: Sorry, I’m late.

Interviewer: you’re hired.

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A German dude jumped into freezing water to save my precious little dog...

...who was drowning. After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said: "here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off and he vill be fine". I said: "are you a vet?". He replied: "Vet?..im fucking soaking.

Girls be crying over a dude with one outfit...

You should've known he was never gonna change

A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV

Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"

C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"

S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"

C: "And you're just gonna sell it for $5 because you can't make it quieter?

S: "Yep"

C: "Wow. Can't tu...

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A metal music joke - Met a cool dude at a show last night

Him: "Never seen these guys before. What do they sound like?"

Me: "They're blackgaze."

Him: "....What's their race and sexual orientation have to do with their sound?"

Two dudes are smoking pot

One tells another:

-Dude, I think this pot is making me stupid, I should quit.

Second guy responds:

-No, dude it's the other way round, you're becoming smarter and realising that you're an idiot.

The joke is originally in Georgian, this is a translation.

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3 Ugly Dudes

3 ugly guys were sick and tired of being ugly so they went to see a witch and ask for her advice.

The witch instructs the three to go to one specific bridge, jump off of it and while falling, yell how they want to look like. They could even simply name any celebrity and look like them.
...

Three men were flying in a small plane when the engine failed

To their disappointment, there were only two parachutes on board. After a couple of minutes of silence, one of the men said:

"Look, guys, I need to take one of the parachutes. I'm a single father with three children to feed."

The other two agreed and gave him one of the backpacks. The ...

Me: “Dude, I can’t believe that 2017 was 7 years ago.”

Friend:”What do you mean, 7 years ago is like 2013..”

Me:”That’s why I ain’t believing it.”

Dude, I just came back from the doctors! He said I have rectal necrosis!

"deadass?"

The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault,

Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

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A boy was having sex with a girl on a railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.

Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...

The driver sho...

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The man who had 3 balls

This guy was born with 3 balls and when he got older, he started worrying about it. So he goes to the doctor.
‘Doc, I’ve got 3 balls. Am I abnormal?’
The doctor examined the guy’s sack. Ran a few tests.
‘Mate, you’re perfectly healthy and your balls are fine. Look at this way...you’re proba...

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office.

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office. Changes identity and calls himself Ted. Trump throws out all the Mexicans but Ted (who was previously Juan), just graffitis "Still Mexican. Still here." at random places around the country. The cops can't find him but they do kno...

So some dude online called me an Asshoule...

I said: no u

Guy gets sent to prison. 1st night, someone yells 39, whole prison laughs. Next night, someone yells 2, prison again erupts in laughter. Guy asks lifer what gives. Lifer explains there’s a joke book, been passed around for years. Dudes memorize # & corresponding joke. Guy gets book & memorizes a few

That night he yells, 24!!! Nothing...

Next night, 9!! Crickets

He asks the lifer the next day what’s happening...

Lifer says: some people just can’t tell jokes

So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.

The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of...

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night...

He had 7 dudes on stage, all hypnotized, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "F*** ME".
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 12 naked dudes sitting on each other's shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

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Gay bars have the most polite dudes I've ever met..

They always push in my stool for me.

Me: "Dude! Help! I'm convinced that I'm possessed by the ghost of an American Civil War General!" Ed: "That's incredible! Are you sure, man?"

Me: "Nope, but 'Grant,' Ed - that's a good guess."

Ed: "Are you ever possessed by confederate commanders?"

Me: "General Lee? No."

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When I first saw "Back to the Future" I thought: "shit, this dude is going to bang his mom."

But luckily, they got caught fingering and were thrown out of the cinema.

How do you know Apple is run by dudes?

Because they call it the iPhone 6+ when it’s only 5.5 inches long.

2 dudes are talking to each other

"A surgeon accidentally removed the left side of my body yesterday..."

"Oh wow that sucks are you all right?"

"Actually no, there's almost nothing left of me now."

"Hey dude, we should look at the bRight side."

"... That just wasn't even funny."

"Yeah, you're right...

"Dude how did you hurt your face so bad?"

"See that tree over there?"

"Yeah"

"Well, I didn't"

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A dude gets stranded on a deserted isle all alone....

Six months later, a woman walks out of the ocean in a wet suit. She's gorgeous.

She strolls up and says, "Want a scotch on ice?"

The guy is dumbfounded and nods yes.

She unzips the wet suit a little and pulls out a flask, ice and a glass. She makes a Walker over ice.

She ...

An Aligator and a Monkey meet by the river. The monkey is smoking something.

Aligator: Hey, what have you got there?

Monkey: I've got some of that good stuff man, it's that OG kush everyone's been talking about, you'll take one puff and you're gone! I'm telling you!

Aligator: Nah, mate,that's bull, lemme try some tho.

Aligator pulls once, nothing. Twice....

So this dude's giving a lecture

about how two negatives can make a positive but two positives can't make a negative, when a voice from the lecture hall shouts:

"Yeah, Yeah!"

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Overheard

This guy is in a restaurant and he hears another dude w a thick accent talking in the next booth.

He stares down into his plate of eggs and the guy behind him goes

"Emma cum first, then I cum"

And he reaches for the pepper and the guy is still talking

"Then the two asses...

I knew two dudes that died in a waterskiing accident.

They shared a wake.

These dudes are building a pub on the top of these apartments.

I don’t know why they set the bar so high.

This dude and his girlfriend are making out on the sofa

After a while it starts getting a bit more intimate and intense. He asks her should we take this to the bedroom? She’s thrilled and agrees. Only problem of they couldn’t work out the right angle to get the sofa through the door.

Dude is getting ready for prom night

He thinks to himself; "I'm gonna need to make this night perfect so I can get laid!".

He thinks about what he'll need. "I'll need a perfectly fitted tuxedo so I look good so I can get laid!" So he goes to the tailor and sees an incredibly long line. It's prom day so he's not the only one thin...

What did the dude tell the unforgiving robot

You got a chip on your shoulder

Dude I almost had a threesome last night

I just needed 2 more people.

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

Two dead bodybuilders meet each other in hell

Dude 1: Hey there man, you know where I can get a protein shake around here?


Dude 2: There’s no whey in hell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dude, I attended the fertilizer convention the other day...

...yeah, it was a real shitshow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt thes...

Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes

I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

So I started cultivating a plant with my ex gf before she broke up with me for this other dude

Oh well, guess it’s his-tree now

German tourist visits Poland

Guy at the airport: Nationality?

German dude: German

Guy at the airport: Occupation?

German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

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2 dudes walk into a bar....

half way through drinking they realize that they dont have money.

guy 1 pulls out a hot dog and say I have a idea. they start to "play" with the hot dog.

the bartender wasn't having any of it and kicked them out.

guys 2 thought to go to a couple more bars and they keep pulling t...

Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?

You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”

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A man on a beach walks up to a woman in a wheelchair

This woman is crying, he asks “why Are you crying?” She says “ nobody has ever taken me on a date before” he says, “oh well, I’ll take you on a date!” So they go on a nice date and he takes her back to the spot on the beach he met her at, as he walks away, he hears crying again “what is it now?” He...

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Dude from the city goes to visit his new girl’s family in the countryside

Upon arriving in the small village he sees a cockfight. Trying to impress his new girlfriend, he approaches a villager and asks him about cockfighting, pretending some knowledge on the topic.

— which one is the good cock?

— well, the good one is the white one.

After hearing what...

What is the wealthy dude who makes bread on YouTube called?

Mr Yeast

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My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

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A man and an ostrich walk into a bar...

The man asks for a beer and the bartender obliges.

"Ahem," says the ostrich. The bartender looks up at it. It nods its head at the beer in front of the man and says, "I'll have the same." Bartender shrugs and gets a second beer for the bird.

After a few hours of drinking in silence, th...

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A man goes on vacation and leaves his neighbor to watch his cat

The man comes back home and his neighbor meets him at the door.

"Dude, your cat got hit by a car and died while you were gone."

The man is distraught, "man, you can't just drop a bomb straight up like that! You've gotta soften the blow!"

"Soften it how," the neighbor asks.
...

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A blind dude took a trip to Germany,

Call that shit not-see Germany

A guy goes to a hospital and this happens:

He lies down on the bed thingy and waits.
A big black Labrador comes in and sniffs the dude from head to toe. Then, a cat comes in and checks him out. A month later, he gets a bill for $1,500.

"What was this for?!" he said as he was on the phone with the doctor.

"Oh," she said, lo...

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So dude wins the lottery...

...comes home. Bursts through the front door beaming!

"Honey! Pack your bags! I hit the jackpot! 323 MILLION DOLLARS!", he exclaims!

His wife begins reeling from the information. Almost fainting she says, "We won the lottery?! Oh my goodness, dear! Where should I pack for? The tr...

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So there is this scientist right? And the dudes a fuckin genius. I’m talking different dimension destroying genius aight.

But this guy, THIS FUCKIN GUY, decides “eh, fuck it I’m bored” and he turns himself into the most outrageous thing! Smartass dude turns himself into a pickle! A FUCKIN PICKLE. Funniest shit I’ve ever seen.

How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already lit fam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] While sexting as a straight dude, what should you be absolutely cautious about?

Typos in "send nudes"

Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter"?

He said "Nein, I am ze German... but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(A character in a dream told me this joke) This dude calls his vet and says "My dog ate one of my Viagra and has had an erection for more than four hours, what should I do?"

The vet replied, "Did you try to manually induce ejaculation?"

The guy goes, "Yeah I tried but I couldn't get hard because my dog ate my last pill!"

Guy walks into a bar completely naked...

except for a beat up old sneaker on one foot. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender “Hey man, can I get a beer?”

The bartender shakes his head in disbelief, pours him a beer, and hands it to him. The bartender says “Sir uh... I can’t help but notice... you seem to have lost a sh...

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

Dude walks into a party dressed as an instrument.

Dude: How do you like my harp costume, Bro?

Dude's Bro: Dude, that's actually to small to be a harp, man.

Dude: *gasp* Are you calling me a lyre?

I happen to know a girl who has been with several dudes during the quarantine.

She has a serious case of HOEVID-19, a new strain of Whorona Virus.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$

I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

Dude runs out of his house and rushes another dude walking....

He says, "My wife is an epileptic and she's seizing! Can you help?"
The other guy says, "Yes! Tell me what to do!"
They run into the house and to the bedroom and sure enough, the woman is in gran mal. The husband says, "Help me tie her down so she doesn't hurt herself!!"
They both proceed t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dude just got married and is thrilled with idea of having sex almost every day.

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday...

A man and his dog walk into a bar...

The barkeep says, “Sorry, we don’t let animals in here.”

The man tells the barkeep, “But my dog can talk! Will you let him in if he talks?”

The barkeep lets out some chuckles and shakes his head. “Yeah, sure, whatever,” he says.

The man looks at his dog and smiles. “Alright! Wha...

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Turn Around

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.” The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the...

So the Pope arrives at heavens gate

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

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