The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

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A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game

She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.

In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base. The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

A couple of innin...

What do you call a bee made in the United States?

A USB

I'm so sick of people making fun of the United States

Don't they know we're the third best country in North America?

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I'm running for President of the United States of America in 2020 as part of the Penis Party.

So far I only have 1 member.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. ”

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tr...

The United States is under attack in American schools

The map of America had four tacks holding it to the wall in nearly every classroom I was in.

In the United States, tomorrow is a Federal Holiday

and the government is supposed to be closed for a day.

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said ...

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Haji comes to the United states

Haji comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.

The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de ...

Why did the United States invade Panama?

Just cause.

I was speaking to a group of the migrants from Central America. I asked them how they felt about a wall between Mexico and the United States.

They told me they would get over it.

A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?

What plane?

If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?

To the Supreme Court.

If the United States got the moon for winning the space race, what did the Soviet Union recieve for second place?

A constellation prize.

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I only just found out that Harry Truman was a comedian before he became President of the United States.

Apparently he was super successful in the US. But he bombed in Japan.

What would happen if the United States switched from imperial to metric units overnight?

There would be mass confusion.

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know,...

United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.



Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.




Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

Who is the 45th president of the United States?

The answer is a no-brainer!

What's the difference between the President of the United States and the management staff of a Los Angeles baseball team?

One of them drafts Dodgers. The other dodges drafts.

The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

A young Soviet boy asked his father, “Is it true that freedom of speech is the same here as it is in the United States?”

His father said, “In principle, yes. I could stand on the White House lawn and yell, ‘Down with Reagan!’ and not be punished. Similarly, I could stand in the Red Square and yell, without punishment, ‘Down with Reagan!’”

Til: the United States dropped leaflets on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to warn of the nuclear attack...

I guess you could say they were the target audience.

Last week a young boy saved a priests life in the United States...

... he discovered the priest had early stage testicular cancer...

A study conducted in the United States showed that:

1. The popular sport of the urban population is basketball

2. Favourite sport of maintenance people is bowling

3. The favourite sport of the average staff is football

4. The favourite sport of senior staff is baseball

5. The favourite sport of directors is tennis

6...

An American tells a Russia that the United States is so free that he can stand in front of the White House and yell "To hell with Ronald Reagan."

The Russian replies: 'That's nothing, I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell "To hell with Ronald Reagan too!"

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. 

"Which part did yo...

Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!

Jokes are just like presidents of the United States.

They're old and they're just here to get votes.

The President of the United States is going to debate the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Nobody's sure who's going to win.

Trump may trump May, May may trump Trump.

r/wordavalanches

Why did Jesus resume his ministry in the United States?

Because he promised himself he'll only cross the border once.

The United States finally outlawed the waterboarding of suspected terrorists!

They have decided to replace it with a more politically correct interrogation method: Tactical Baptism

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A North Korean, United States, and Irish Politician walk into a bar.

They all order a beer. Upon going to drink them they notice a fly is floating in each of their beers.

The North Korean politician, outraged, declares war and that he will destroy the bar for allowing this to happen.

The politician from the United States declares tighter sanctions and ...

Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the United States?

They had no use for one with only one hand up.

People say that the President of the United States is a joke and no one respects him.

I dunno, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like the sort of guy you'd mess with.

What did Biggie say when he first saw a map of the United States?

WHERE BROOKLYN AT

Metric system isn't popular in the United States?

Nonsense, just look how popular are two-liter bottles and nine-millimeter bullets

Three Chinese friends, Chu, Bu and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu decided to travel back to China

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Canadian Hosers Declare War on the United States

Newfoundland, Canada declares war on the U.S.A.

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya d...

I never understand why people say that the United States is the most patriotic country in the world

In Russia they manage to get out and vote even after committing suicide!

4 friends decide to emigrate from China to the United States

Their names are Chu, Tu, Bu, and Fu.
They have a discussion and decide that it may be a good idea to change their names to sound more western, so they improvise on their names.
Chu changes his name to Chuck,
Tu changes his name to Tuck,
Bu changes his name to Buck,
And Fu decides to g...

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

Canada has a much better leader than the United States

It's Trudeau

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

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A man takes a week long trip out to the Western part of the United States to do some hunting.

As he arrives at the lodge where they’re staying, he and his buddies start getting hungry. They go into this little diner where the waitress takes their order.

As the man is ordering he realizes an odd tattoo on the women’s inner thigh that leads up her skirt. The tattoo looked like a squiggl...

Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards.

The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so.

The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.

The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to...

Hurricane Bud is expected to pass over Mexico and cross the border into the United States.

By the time it reaches us, it'll be Bud Lite.

What does a Russian fashion designer call people from the United States?

A mannequin.

Whoring yourself for money is legal in the United States

Just take a look at our politicians.

The President of Brazil, France and United States share a flight around the world

The United state president puts his hands out of the windows and says:

"We are in the US! I just touched the Statue of Liberty"

Some time passes, the French president puts his hands out and says out loud:

"Now we are in France. I just touched the Eiffel tower".

After a wh...

What does the United States and North Korea have in common?

Supreme is an overrated word

It's the end of the 2016 presidential election and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted .

The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide the next president. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. The two candidates line up at the starting line. Trump goes first, clocking in at 14:26. Hillary Clinton goes next, running as fast as ...

A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist:"I'd like to become the next President of the United States."

The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot? "Redneck: "Why, is it required? "

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What do you call a homosexual Hispanic living in the United States? (NSFW)

Amaricon

In the UK, United States Vice President’s opinion isn’t worth much

It’s only a pence.

What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export?

Troops

Worst days in United States history..

.. 9/11 and 11/9

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Why, in the United States, do we not have the letter "u" in words like "favourite" and "colour"?

Because fuck u and no one likes u, that's why.

With how old the United States' politicians are these days...

... it makes sense that we as a country are suffering from electile disfunction.
___
Edit for autocorrect

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The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

So the American people's choices for President of the United States will most likely be Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton.

That's it. That's the joke. There is no punchline.

If the United States is serious about stopping Kim Jong Un

Just send in Cam Newton - he'll overthrow Kim.

Trump is President of the United States and Britain left the EU.

APRIL FOOLS'!

Ah...wait...

if everyone in the United States drove a pink automobile what would we have?

a pink carnation

What's a black person of the United States called?

A frickin' American.

What'd you expect, something racist?

A Muslim enters the United States

Oh sorry thought it was still 2016.

Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States...

...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.

I heard the United States is slowly moving towards the metric system...

They're getting closer inch by inch

A German always wanted to visit the United States

But with the second world war just ending a couple years ago, he was too scared to visit. He decided to take English classes, and after several years of practice, he finally decided he was ready. The trip went swimmingly, he even made a friend. When the trip was almost over, he went to a bar for a g...

The United States has such bad luck

It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Welcome to the United States...

Where the laws are made up and the votes don't matter.

Why Trump is the most religious president in United States history?

He got ​Every Juan praying!

English ships start with HMS, United states with USS... what about Italian ships?

AMB.

It's stands for, 'Atsa Ma Boat!'

Who had the easiest path to the presidency of the United States?

Mike Pence

Starting today, the United States military began phasing out traditional opaque arms for transparent weapons.

They are beginning preparations for a newclear war.

Hilary Clinton will be the first f president of the united states....

i was gonna say female but someone deleted the emale.

What's the difference between a loaf of bread and the United States of America?

If you leave a loaf of bread alone for 241 years, it can actually develop a culture.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Scotsman moves to the United States and watches his first baseball game

When a runner hits a ground ball he watches everyone yelling for the player to run, when next player does the same thing he joins in. The next goes up to bat and he gets three balls and a strike. The last pitch is a ball and the player drops his bat and starts to walk to first base. The Scotsman yel...

The Mexican drug lord El Chapo has been extradited to the United States...

It's still unclear which cabinet post he'll be appointed to.

Patty and Mike immigrate to the United States with a bottle of whiskey.

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Mike, immigrated to the United States with only the clothes on their backs and a 12 year old bottle of fine Irish Whiskey. They agreed to never touch the bottle until both had found their fortune, and they would share that bottle to celebrate. They both went on to amass for...

There have been two presidential impeachments in the history of the United States...

One involved a Johnson from the south and some violations relating to a staff member and the other was the 1868 impeachment of Andrew Johnson.

Breaking News: United States is now the largest producer of salt.

So Salty...

Trump: Foreign Policy?, if you mess with the United States

There will be hell toupee.

In the United States the colors red white and blue represent freedom.

Unless they see it in their rear view mirror.

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A Chinese went to a temple and asked a monk: "Who will win the United States presidential election?" The monk point his finger towards a dog shit...

The Chinese was confused and asked the monk: "Did you mean both of them are shits? Or the shittiest one will win?"

The monk replied: "It means, I don't give a shit."

A Frenchman just came to the United States

A Frenchman just came to the United States, and speaks no English. At the airport, he learns his first few English words from hearing the announcements: Take off.

Later, he visits the zoo. There, he strolls around, before coming to the zebra enclosure. He is just in time to see a zebra giving...

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Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States.

After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other...

In history we were asked to give our opinion on the representation of slaves in the United States in the 18th and 19th centuries...

I gave it a 3 out of 5

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Once upon a time, there lived in the United States a really mean girl named Fanny

Because she was so mean, nobody liked Fanny, so she didn't have any friends. She realized the error of her ways, so she moved to the UK in order to start a new life. Fanny decided to be as nice as she possibly could so that she could make friends. However, she took it to extremes, to the point th...

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The Pope visits The United States...

and is being driven in a Limousine. Having never drove one, he asks the chauffeur would he mind if he had a spin. The driver duly obliges and lets the pope take the the wheel.

Enjoying himself a bit too much, he sees a flash of blue before being pulled over for speeding. The officer approache...

United States once again votes for a minority President!

Donald J Trump is believed to be the first orange President to be elected in the history of the United States.

I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness...

That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??

Why is the United States always in political disarray?

It's a nation without a litre.

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A Saudi Arabian diplomat visits the United States.

A Saudi Arabian diplomat visits the United States.

He is greeted at his embassy by Obama.

The diplomat invites Obama into a secret room. Once inside, he says to Obama, "Let me show you a program we use on people in our country."

Obama agrees and the diplomat leaves the room. ...

Why, with twice the population of the United States at the time didn't China invent the airplane first?

Well, two Wongs don't make a Wright.