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United States Jokes

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

Jokes are just like presidents of the United States.

They're old and they're just here to get votes.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

What’s the difference between the president of Ukraine, and the president of the United States?

The president of Ukraine is a comedian, the president of the United States is a joke.

A man calls up the White House and tells the receptionist, "I would like to become the next president of the United States."

The receptionist asks, "What are you, an idiot?"

The man asks, "Why, is it required?"

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

What is the difference between New Zealand and the United States?

In New Zealand the sheep have four legs

The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States?

We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

United States 2020 Election results are in!

Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians.

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

What's the biggest city in the United States?

Obesity

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The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and or...

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Why, in the United States, do we not have the letter "u" in words like "favourite" and "colour"?

Because fuck u and no one likes u, that's why.

The United States finally outlawed the waterboarding of suspected terrorists!

They have decided to replace it with a more politically correct interrogation method: Tactical Baptism

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A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
...

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Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States.

After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other...

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

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What's difference between the United States and unprotected sex?

With the US, it doesn't matter if it pulls out or not. You are screwed anyways.

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

A reporter is interviewing the President of the United States…

WALLACE (Interviewer) But I've got to tell you, if I may, sir, respectfully, in the Fox poll, they asked people, who is more competent? Who's got -- whose mind is sounder? Biden beats you in that.
TRUMP: Well, I'll tell you what, let's take a test. Let's take a test right now. Let's go down, Jo...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said ...

Zelensky: Why did you invade Iraq?

United States: Because we "suspected" nuclear weapons.

Zelensky: So why not attack Russia now?

United States: Because we know that Russia has nuclear weapons.

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

Metric system isn't popular in the United States?

Nonsense, just look how popular are two-liter bottles and nine-millimeter bullets

A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while lau...

Donald Trump was the President of United States

It’s not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

Two Scottish nuns are travelling to the United States.

One of the sisters tells the other: 'You know, in America, they eat dogs.'
Their plane lands in JFK and they take a cab to Manhattan. No sooner do they get settled in their convent than they take a walk. Sighting a hot-dog stand, they order two hot dogs. The first sister takes hers out of the wra...

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which is the lightest of the United States?

MA. It has the mass of two shits.

The United States has such bad luck

It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

The president announced that Oklahoma was taking over the United States.

He said, "Don't worry, the US will be OK."

What is the National Sport of the United States of America?

Depends on which one is on TV right now.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

If you clone the president of the United States that's allowed

If you clone him twice that's also allowed

But if you clone him a third time ...

That's four-Biden

Worst days in United States history..

.. 9/11 and 11/9

How many states make up the United States of America?

49 nowadays, Nevada stopped counting.

Last night, I, an American, was arguing with a European over whether Europe or the United States was better.

The European boasted, "We hardly even have racism here in Europe!" I asked them, "What about Romani people? Does the racism they experience not count?"

They replied, "Of course not! Romanis aren't people!"

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot is legal in the United States,..

..He will be rolling in his grave.

4 friends decide to emigrate from China to the United States

Their names are Chu, Tu, Bu, and Fu.
They have a discussion and decide that it may be a good idea to change their names to sound more western, so they improvise on their names.
Chu changes his name to Chuck,
Tu changes his name to Tuck,
Bu changes his name to Buck,
And Fu decides to g...

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If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?

To the Supreme Court.

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'Earth' without 'Art' is just 'Eh'.

Just like 'The United States of America' without 'heunedtatesam' is just 'Tits of Erica'.

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

Trump will still be president of The United States after January 20th

He's having Rudy draw up the paperwork to form The United States Total Landscaping Co. as we speak!

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

It must have been a real shock when people found out the Monty Python theme was originally written by someone from the United States

After all, nobody expects the American composition

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

What's the easiest way to find a spy in the United States?

Ask them to sing the Star Spangled Banner.

If the sing more than one verse, you have your spy.

What is the difference between a yoghurt and the United States?

If you leave a yoghurt standing for 240 years there's going to develop a culture on it.

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A Saudi Arabian diplomat visits the United States.

A Saudi Arabian diplomat visits the United States.

He is greeted at his embassy by Obama.

The diplomat invites Obama into a secret room. Once inside, he says to Obama, "Let me show you a program we use on people in our country."

Obama agrees and the diplomat leaves the room. ...

You don't have to worry about a draft in the United States

Every time Trump clicks "Draft", it just saves the email and never sends.

What is the punishment for polygamy in the United States?

Multiple mothers-in-law.

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A United States Marine walks into a restroom at the Pentagon to take a leak...

There, at the row of urinals, a Soldier and a Sailor are also relieving themselves. The Marine pulls up to a vacant urinal next to them and gets ready to do his business.

Just then the Soldier finishes up, zips up, and goes over to the sink. He turns on the water and lets it get nice and wa...

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calcula...

If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?

The United States of America

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime.

It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

What do the 23rd President of the United States and The Devil have in common?

They both got beaten by a kid named Johnny

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export?

Troops

The United States is under attack in American schools

The map of America had four tacks holding it to the wall in nearly every classroom I was in.

Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.



Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.




Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

Most United States President these days are quite stubborn

Good thing both JFK and Lincoln were very open minded people.

What do Coronavirus panic in England and divorce in the United States have in common?

They’re both commonly caused by BBC.

A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

How can you donate money to Taliban?

Just pay your taxes in United States

What did the 44th President of the United States say when he felt lonely?

O-ba-maself

Why did the United States send missiles to me after asking me not to leave?

Because I ran.

Why did it take up until last year for Volkswagen to finally manufacture electric cars in the United States?

Because it took them awhile to get the bugs worked out

The United States Senate approved a measure last week to make daylight saving time permanent across the country.

Alabama already did this several years ago, deciding to permanently go back to 1845.

Welcome to the United States...

Where the laws are made up and the votes don't matter.

The United States Congress has a new sign hanging in the hallway

It reads "Not responsible for lost or stolen Articles"

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the Preside...

What's a black person of the United States called?

A frickin' American.

What'd you expect, something racist?

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

Why is the United States of America losing the fight against Covid-19?

Because they can't shoot it like the rest of their problems.

The United States appears to be successfully avoiding a second wave

By keeping the first wave going

When I grew up in America, I was told that if I work real hard, someday I could be the next President of the United States.

I live in the UK now and noticed that the British aren’t as optimistic as Americans.

But as an optimist, I still tell my son that if he worked real hard, someday he could be the next Queen of England.

The United States should really consider going to the doctor.

They've had an election for more than 4 hours.

There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!

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A North Korean, United States, and Irish Politician walk into a bar.

They all order a beer. Upon going to drink them they notice a fly is floating in each of their beers.

The North Korean politician, outraged, declares war and that he will destroy the bar for allowing this to happen.

The politician from the United States declares tighter sanctions and ...

Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

Why did the United States invade Panama?

Just cause.

I stopped at the bar after work the other day...

...and there were three doctors at a table slamming drinks.

They were bragging about their best surgeries ever.

The first doctor said listen up. "One time a guy came in who was in a terrible wood cutting accident.

The guy lost his right arm, but I sewed him up in 3 hours. Now h...

Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the United States?

They had no use for one with only one hand up.

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It's Valentine's Day in the United States, and I'd just like everyone to know my girlfriend has giant, fake tits, and a huge fake dump truck.

In fact, pretty much everything on her is fake, including her existence.

Happy Single's Awareness Day, Reddit.

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The Queen of England take a diplomatic trip to the United States....

While there, she visits one of New York's best hospitals. As she is being shown around the hospital by a doctor, she comes across a man furiously masturbating in the hallway. The queen turns beet red and exclaims, "Doctor! Do you see what that man is doing?" The doctor looks then very nonchalantly s...

My uncle, who is an army funeral director, almost became president of the United states.

Yes he was a barrack embalmer.

The President of the United States delivered a speech in Algeria recently...

"I would first like to apologise to the fine people of Algeria that I can not address them in their own language. Unfortunately, I was never that good at algebra."

Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "The United States." Brunette: "Which part?"

Blonde: "My whole body."

If the United States put Trump on Mount Rushmore,

It'll be "huge".

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

What happens when you take a joke too far?

The 45th President of the United States of America.

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

People say that the President of the United States is a joke and no one respects him.

I dunno, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like the sort of guy you'd mess with.

Southwest Kansas and the panhandles of Oklahoma and Texas have decided to secede from the United States.

They’re calling their new country Kotex.

Whoring yourself for money is legal in the United States

Just take a look at our politicians.

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A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game

She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.

In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base. The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

A couple of innin...

A study conducted in the United States showed that:

1. The popular sport of the urban population is basketball

2. Favourite sport of maintenance people is bowling

3. The favourite sport of the average staff is football

4. The favourite sport of senior staff is baseball

5. The favourite sport of directors is tennis

6...

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