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Auntie Jokes

What do you call your angry French auntie?

A crossaunt

My auntie has a traditional remedy for Tourette's.

She swears by it.

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

What’s the difference between Vitamin C and your mother’s sister wetting her pants?

One's an antioxidant and the other's an auntie accident.

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When I was young I spent my summers on my mean Auntie and Uncle's farm.

When I was 10 until I was 13, I spent my summers staying on my Auntie and Uncle's farm. My mom said it was to "build character" but really its because I was out of school and she was a single mother and had to work. Auntie and Uncle were not physically abusive but did tell me I was "trash" and all s...

What's the healthier, sister version of a dad bod?

An auntie-body.

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce,

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce, and they're fighting over custody of Baby Bear.

The judge interviews him to help decide who gets custody. "OK Baby Bear, since your parents are going to live in two places, we have to figure out where you live. Do you want to live with Papa Bear...

“Auntie, what’s diplomacy?”

“It’s how you tell someone to go to hell in a way that makes them look forward to the trip.”

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An auntie kimber classic. I was 5 when I heard this lol

There was a young man Fredrick in the last course of his psychology major. His final exam was to assess the mental conditions of 3 patients down in the deepest depth of the mental ward. It was 1966.
With his clipboard in hand, he walks down the dim lit hallway and gets to a giant metal door. The ...

Oh, how I hated it, when I was younger & my aunties would poke me at weddings and go *"How about you be the next?"*

They only stopped, when I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.

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A need satisfied

Just one request



When Johnny was young his Auntie and Uncle lived with him and his parents. Auntie watched Johnny during the day while his parents worked. Uncle worked out of town for long stretches and it was a good situation for everyone.
Johnny would come home from school in th...

I find it really awkward that my Grandparents named my Dad's sister "Vaccine"...

I'm embarrassed to tell people that she's Auntie Vax.

Hopefully Will Smith’s mom didn’t watch the Oscars.

He might have to move back in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

[OC] I'm gonna name my daughter Vaccine...

That way she will have to explain to her nieces and nephews why she is Auntie Vax.

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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

My friend just told me a long boring story about an incestuous relationship.

It was such an auntie climax.

I suffer from depression, but my aunt, who dotes on me, always knows how to cheer me up

you could say she's the perfect auntie-dote to my misery

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

My mom’s sister drank methanol, and now she can’t move.

Later though, I found out it’s commonly used as auntie freeze.

I expected a joke about my mother’s sister to be funny and it actually wasn’t.

It was an auntie-joke.

Spiderman became a vigilante

Meanwhile, Aunt May became a vigil auntie.

A man goes into his son's room

to wish him Goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later...

My mom's sister doesn't get Corona.

She has an auntie body.

What do you call an immunologist that has a niece?

Auntie Jen

One of my relatives doesn’t want to vaccinate her children

Oh come on, Auntie Vax!

I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.

She's made of auntie matter.

My dad's sister is a geriatric nurse.

With Covid her life has been crazy busy over the past year. She has seen far too many patients die. Now that we have the vaccine she's very excited and gets borderline preachy on why we should all get vaccinated. She talks about it non-stop. It's annoying!

It's like she's become Auntie Vaxx!

After trying many medications, my uncle learned he is only happy when his wife is miserable

He now only takes auntie depressants.

Yo Momma so Redneck,

I coulda started this joke with sister,auntie or cousin.

A young child walks into a shop and says to the person behind the counter

"Can i have some tampax please"

the man says

"sure thing are they for your mother?"

Kid says

"No"

Man says

"for your sister?"

Kid looks bemused and again says

"no"

The man with a confused look says

"well why do you want them?"...

What do you call a dyslexic small town spinster who takes justice into her own hands?

A Village-Auntie

What family member cannot stand 9.8 meters per second?

‘Auntie’ Gravity.

What do you call it when your mom's sister is acting like Jesus?

The Auntie-Christ

Had an issue with how the latest season of Game of Thrones ended:

Bit of an auntie climax don't you think?

In a progressively incestuous household...

...it's about upping the auntie

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My father's sister really isn't fond of jews...

We call her auntie-semitite

A guy walks into a small family drug store...

... to buy some condoms. The lady behind the counter asks what size he wants, and the guy gets uptight and blushes, and stammers that he never knew that they came in sizes, and he doesn't know what his size is.
The lady tells him not to worry, there's a big old hogshead wine barrel out back with...

Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond?

Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds

Kid: well what about my name?

Mother: never mind about that Richard.

My father’s sister is obsessed with killing germs,

we call her Auntie Bacterial.

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....

All alone

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord w...

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I have a friend from [insert inbred town here]

I have a friend from Norfolk [or insert another inbred town here] who can count all of their sexual relationships on one hand.

Three cousins, two Aunties and their Mum.

Every family wedding I attended...

...aunties and grandmas always came to me grabbing me by my cheeks saying "oh dearie you will be next!"
They stopped when I started to do them the same at family funerals.

A young girl is living with her aunt...

One night the girl is on her way out to go dancing. The aunt notices that her niece isn't wearing a bra, and her shirt is quite translucent. So the aunt stops her before she leaves the house and demands where she is going dressed like that.
"Oh Aunty," the girl replies, "I'm just letting my rose...

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Mother asks little Johny to go to a shop...

...but she only has a £50 note therefore she says to him "I'm giving you £50 and you have to buy bread, milk and butter only. Do not buy anything else and bring the change back."

As he was told, he goes to a shop but he sees a huge teddy bear for £50 and he buys it. He comes back home...

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

Baby Bear is in court for a custody case between his parents...

...and the judge asks him "Would you like to live with your mother?"

Baby Bear replies, "No sir, she beats me!"

The judge then asks, "Well, do you want to live with your father?"

Again Baby Bear replies, "No sir, he beats me harder!"

Finally the judge asks, "Well, who do ...

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The Wasp

There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted an...

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