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Granny Jokes

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Poor Granny

Me: Today we all found out that my grandpa as been fighting with an addiction this past month to Viagra.

My buddy: Man that's tough to hear. How's your grandma taking it.

Me: Pretty hard apparently!

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

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Granny's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all d...

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom...

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

A cop is driving down the freeway when he looks over and spots a granny knitting whilst balancing the steering wheel with her knees

He pulls alongside the granny, and angrily shouts "pull over!"

The granny shouts back, "no, it's a scarf"

What’s the difference between your granny and your granary?

One is your born kin and the other is your corn bin.

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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate

In the end we decided to just let her live.

I used to love building sandcastles with my granny...

...but my parents thought it was creepy so they glued the urn shut.

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Granny suprise

A prostitute in Philippines stands in line with 50 others during a police raid, checking their IDs

As suprise her grand mother shows up, asking what she is doing in that long line.

"There is a man on the end, giving oranges for free, to make juice", she lies ashamed.

"Well, in ...

Troll Granny

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you h...

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I just explained Google to my Granny.

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied.

Granny goes to the doctor.

She tells the doctor:
Look I have a big problem.
I have so SO much gas, thankfully it is not loud or smelly, but I need something about it.
Doctor said: Ok ask the pharmacist for this medication, take 1 pill each morning and come back in a week.

So the granny goes in a week lat...

A British man goes to visit his granny, who recently moved to Greece

When he takes his coat off he notices she doesn't have any. "We need to go buy you a coat granny."

"You don't need a coat in Greece, dear."

He takes his shoes off and notices she also doesn't have any wellies. "We need to get you some wellies granny."

"You don't need wellies in ...

My Granny thought the Doctor was hitting on her after her medical....

Apparently Her hearing is going and she's got Acute Angina.

I inherited hypertension from my granny.

She taught me to take everything with a grain of salt.

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Granny went to the bank to deposit her $1M

She was greeted by the Bank Manager.

Manager: "Good morning, ma'am! That's quite a fortune. May I ask where did it come from?"

Granny: "I have a knack in gambling. These are my winnings."

M: "I have no doubt. However, our policies prevents us from accepting it due to anti money-...

What's the difference between granny fetish and necrophilia?

A couple of weeks.

A guy sees a granny selling cabbages.

The business is not good and no one seems to be interested in buying them. They all cost 5 dollars each. He decided to buy one. He continued to buy one each day until he just gave money for a cabbage without taking one.


Then one day as usual he gave 5 dollars, turned to leave but the gran...

Granny tatoos

80 year old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says "I want to get a tattoo".

The artist hesitantly replys "Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?"

Old lady: "actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right th...

An old granny and her grand daughter are chatting about granpa

-Did you love him, granma?
-Oh yes, i loved him so much. He was all my life, even tough he was so lazy.
-How come?
-You see, everytime there was something not working, he would never do anything about It. "Al, the sink Is broken." "Do i look like a plumber?" He would reply. "Hon, a brick fe...

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

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GASSY GRANNY

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and ...

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My wife caught me masturbating to granny porn.

"Fucking hell," she said. "I wish you would lock the door sometimes."


"Fine," I sighed.


But really, you can't win with that woman. Now it's 3am and she's calling me to let her into the house.

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Why are granny panties better than thongs?

Because granny panties will cover your ass, but thongs are always trying to get up in your shit.

A father sees his 5 year old son praying in the middle of the night

He finds it odd but listens closely to it. The kid was praying 'Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night granny, bye bye grandpa'. The father finds it weird but doesn't think much about it. The next day he hears that his father in law is dead. The father finds it abnormal but thinks that it is...

What's the difference between a Fridge and a Granny?

A Fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Haha Granny is too smart to handle.

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer...

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Little Johnny walks into the bathroom only to find his granny bathing.

“What’s that?” little Johnny asks his granny, pointing down between her legs.
“That’s my beaver honey”.
“Oh.” Johnny replies and walks away.

A few hours later little Johnny walks into the bathroom this time to find his mother bathing.
“What’s that?”, little Johnny asks his mothe...

"Granny, why do you read obituaries every day?"

"Don't worry grandson. I just want to see who is single again."

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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his p...

A dying granny...

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash".

"WoW!!" said the granddaughter 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this w...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

Good old Irish Granny....

Solicitors should never ask a County Offaly granny a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial in Tullamore recently a small-town prosecuting solicitor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Murphy, do you know m...

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Wendy was a prostitute.

Wendy was a prostitute and didn't want her granny to know.
One day police came across the brothel that she worked at and ordered all prostitutes to stand in a line, so that they could take their names one by one.
Suddenly, granny comes along and notices Wendy in the line which was now lead...

What do you call a granny who is good at coding and beer pong?

A Brogramma

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Wanna know what granny pussy taste like?

Depends.

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Johnny asks grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"

Grandpa says: "Yes, but only oral."

Johnny asks: "Oral! How?"

Grandpa says: "I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too."

A old granny visits the Doc.

"Doc, I've got terrible gas! I keep farting all day long, but I can't hear it or even smell it, I just feel it going! I've even done it once or twice in here, too!"

The Doctor gives her some medication.
"Come back next week."

The granny comes back after a week, disappointed
"It's...

Is it true an apple a day, keeps the doctor away? Or is it just an old granny's myth.

I'm here all week..

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A bible thumping granny gets on a cross town bus sitting across the isle from two Cajun’s talking quietly

So of course she starts to listen. The older of the two gentlemen was saying, “First, Emma came, den I cum, then us and us again, together! And then I cum again.”
The lady stands up and says “you should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about anyone and things like that should not be...

I helped a Granny cross the road...

A father waits for his son to come home from school. The son is an hour late.

"Where were you?" asks the father.

Son: "I helped a Granny cross the road!"

Father: "I'm proud of you! Such a fine deed deserves to be rewarded - here's $5."

The next day, the father is waiting...

A granny is walking to the store when she is stopped by a military checkpoint

Soldiers inform her that she can't cross the bridge because it was destroyed. "Destroyed how? I can plainly see it and there is nothing wrong with it." "No, no, ma'am" explains the soldier. "According to the exercise scenario this bridge was destroyed yesterday and we can't let anybody cross." "But ...

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What's between your granny's boobs that's not between your sisters'?

Her bellybutton

What did granny say after leaving her handbag on a bus?

"Allahu Akbar!"


I'm going to hell for this.

Grandad, why does my brother Robert live with you?

Well you see grandson, when you were a baby, your uncle Peter moved out and it was the first time in a long time that granny and I were all alone, we had some drinks, put on some music and Bob's your uncle.

A granny walks in to a doctor's office with a toad on her head

A granny walks in to a doctor's office with a toad on her head.
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor-
"This massive wart grew out of my ass",
answers the toad

*Przyhcodzi baba do lekarza*, classic Polish joke

Two electricians are up on a pole

A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:

— Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?

The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:

— Told you it was the ground.

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Dad? What's the definition of 'kinky'?

Dunno son, now help me lift your granny off this doorknob

Granny goes to the doctor's office, suffering from terrible gas.

"Doctor, it's awful, I'm paying gas all the time, but thank the Lord, they don't make any nose or smell bad."

So the doctor gave her a pill and told her to come back the next week, and when she did as he ordered, he asked how things went, and she replied "it's better, I guess... I mean, I'm p...

My family has a competition on christmas every year on who can make my Granny cry the most with our gifts

This year: Pepper spray

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Wrong queue !

This girl was a prostitute, but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
Sh...

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Grown-up words.

A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

>"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."

So Jamie excitedly s...

How do kids tell you their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

An old couple gets in the mood.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfas...

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not physically possible.
Person 1: Wrong, you open the ...

Little Karl was with his grandma in a supermarket

Little Karl yelled to his grandma: Granny, I need to pee!

Grandma replied: We are in a public place, don't say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.

Later, when grandma was sleeping, Little Karl went to grandmas room and woke her: Granny, I need to sing!

Gr...

Ok, here's a really bad one

This one I've herd visiting Kiev before the shutdown:

The guy walks in a brothel and asks a hostess:
- Hi, I need a girl
- Ok, it's 50$ for 1 hour
- I don't have that much, do you have anything for 10$?
- Yes, let's go outside

They go around the brothel, a hostess places a ...

Time for a good old Soviet era joke

(should be read in a heavy Russian accent, any grammatical errors are here to enhance the joke)

Old granny working for years already in factory who make Samovar. But old granny only is normal worker not member of nomenclatura so never earn enough money to also buy Samovar herself. Old granny ...

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A young virgin woman from very religious puritan family walks down the street.

A young virgin woman from very religious puritan family walks down the street. When she passes a taxi stop she overhears one taxi driver saying to other: "Wow, I would love to shag that girl!" She gets home and she asks her mother: "Mom, what does the word SHAG mean?" Her puritan mother gets all red...

Is it Muglin yet!

Once there was a granny who was travelling to Hetauda from Kathmandu in a night bus. She used to fall asleep in the bus so she asked the conductor of the bus to wake her up when the bus reached Muglin. Every five minutes she asked, “Is it Muglin yet?”. The conductor replied,”No granny, you can sleep...

My apologies to the LDS community.

What do you call a group of singing idiots who only consume diet soda and Granny Smiths?

The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.

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Amazing Apples

A man and his wife are walking through the state fair, when he notices something that clearly has to be a mistake. Taped to a table full of big beautiful apples is a sign that reads, 'Amazing Apples $10 each'. So the man tells the proprietor, "Excuse me sir but I think you made a mistake" pointing ...

My Grandpa seemed distraught after losing his watch at the Nursing Home.

I said, Grandpa, what will you do.......He gave me a wink and said.....I will search every Nook and Granny

A little old lady

A sweet little old lady was riding on a bus heading to another town to visit her children. She was seated behind the driver. On the way she offered some nuts to the bus driver saying "Here you go, sonny." And the driver took them gladly to eat. After a few minutes she offered some more nuts saying "...

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.

The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly."

The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the ...

A Son To His Mom

Son: Mom , Mom! Does Granny do parkour?


Mom: No , Son.


Son: Ah ,Then she fell from the balcony

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A little boy runs to his grandmother, and says:

\-Granny! Grandpa fell off the ladder, because he was swearing!

\-Why, what did he say?

\-He said: "Don't shake the ladder you little shit!"

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How did Helen Keller lose her virginity

Granny forgot to remove the plunger.

if a woman is a grandma and her last name is Smith

does that make her a Granny Smith?

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A recent college graduate decided to turn to prostitution

Due to his huge student loans and low salary, so he placed a large sign that read:

One sexy time on the floor: 25$

One sexy time on the couch: 50$

One sexy time on the Bed: 100$

Then an old lady sees the sign and quickly runs to the bank makes a quick withdrawal and goes ...

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Another Russian joke I love :)

*To understand the joke you need to be familiar a bit with the "pioneer movement" that was is Soviet Russia, essentially it's a organization for children formed by a communist party where they wear read scarfs, walk around with a drum, and are raised to epitomize civility.*

An elderly woman i...

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The Saloon NSFW

After a long night on the ranch this Ranch Hand decides to go to the saloon. When he gets there he realizes all his favorites are taking for the night so he ask the barkeep

"hey is there anyone free at the moment".

the barkeep replies

"all I got right now son is old granny". <...

A car gets stopped on the road

In a few seconds, the car is surrounded by cameras and journalists and a reporter tells the driver:

"Congratulations , you're the 10 000 000 car on this road, you're getting 10 000 000 €!! What will you do with that money?"

The male driver thinks for a moment, then replies: "Well, firs...

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Family Reunion...

So a whole huge family is at their annual reunion. The oldest living member of the family "Great Granny" is sitting in a big comfy recliner off to the side so the children don't bother her. Suddenly the 98 year old leans over to the left. Uncle Bill rushes over and straightens her up saying "Dont wo...

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