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Poor Granny

Me: Today we all found out that my grandpa as been fighting with an addiction this past month to Viagra.

My buddy: Man that's tough to hear. How's your grandma taking it.

Me: Pretty hard apparently!

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Granny went to the bank to deposit her $1M

She was greeted by the Bank Manager.

Manager: "Good morning, ma'am! That's quite a fortune. May I ask where did it come from?"

Granny: "I have a knack in gambling. These are my winnings."

M: "I have no doubt. However, our policies prevents us from accepting it due to anti money-...

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Would you fuck a granny for 50 bucks?

I would, but unfortunately I don't have 50 bucks.

What do you call a granny who is good at coding and beer pong?

A Brogramma

I inherited hypertension from my granny.

She taught me to take everything with a grain of salt.

What's the difference between a Fridge and a Granny?

A Fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

What's the difference between a granny fetish and necrophilia ?

A couple of weeks.

Is it true an apple a day, keeps the doctor away? Or is it just an old granny's myth.

I'm here all week..

A guy sees a granny selling cabbages.

The business is not good and no one seems to be interested in buying them. They all cost 5 dollars each. He decided to buy one. He continued to buy one each day until he just gave money for a cabbage without taking one.


Then one day as usual he gave 5 dollars, turned to leave but the gran...

One day, Johnny comes home from school and asks his mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

"The stork brought you here," says the mother.

"And how were my brother Joel and my sister Emily born?"

"The stork brought them, too."

"And how were you born?"

"The stork also brought me."

"Did the stork also bring Uncle George and Aunt Ruth and Cousin Evan and Cou...

My family has a competition on christmas every year on who can make my Granny cry the most with our gifts

This year: Pepper spray

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A bible thumping granny gets on a cross town bus sitting across the isle from two Cajun’s talking quietly

So of course she starts to listen. The older of the two gentlemen was saying, “First, Emma came, den I cum, then us and us again, together! And then I cum again.”
The lady stands up and says “you should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about anyone and things like that should not be...

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Granny suprise

A prostitute in Philippines stands in line with 50 others during a police raid, checking their IDs

As suprise her grand mother shows up, asking what she is doing in that long line.

"There is a man on the end, giving oranges for free, to make juice", she lies ashamed.

"Well, in ...

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Timothy was visiting his grandparents

for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents was happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents was very religious people, and did not take care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, ...

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Little Johnny walks into the bathroom only to find his granny bathing.

“What’s that?” little Johnny asks his granny, pointing down between her legs.
“That’s my beaver honey”.
“Oh.” Johnny replies and walks away.

A few hours later little Johnny walks into the bathroom this time to find his mother bathing.
“What’s that?”, little Johnny asks his mothe...

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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

Why should you never crossbreed apples?

Because you might discover Granny's Cox Delicious.

I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate

In the end we decided to just let her live.

My wife has a peculiar cooking habit

So, my wife and I are newly weds, and she's a great cook, but I noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she puts them in the skillet, she cuts off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.

After having witnessed this a couple of times, I asked her why she di...

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Granny's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all d...

An old granny and her grand daughter are chatting about granpa

-Did you love him, granma?
-Oh yes, i loved him so much. He was all my life, even tough he was so lazy.
-How come?
-You see, everytime there was something not working, he would never do anything about It. "Al, the sink Is broken." "Do i look like a plumber?" He would reply. "Hon, a brick fe...

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My wife caught me masturbating to granny porn.

"Fucking hell," she said. "I wish you would lock the door sometimes."


"Fine," I sighed.


But really, you can't win with that woman. Now it's 3am and she's calling me to let her into the house.

if a woman is a grandma and her last name is Smith

does that make her a Granny Smith?

An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say, should we strip?”

So the two stri...

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Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

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The Donald Went Down to Georgia

The Donald went down to Georgia.

He was lookin' for a vote to steal.

He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind.

He was willing to make a deal

When he came across this old man givin' a speech and doin' it hot.

And the Donald jumped upon a hickory stump and said "Man...

My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad

Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.

Haha Granny is too smart to handle.

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer...

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I just explained Google to my Granny.

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied.

How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

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Johnny asks grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"

Grandpa says: "Yes, but only oral."

Johnny asks: "Oral! How?"

Grandpa says: "I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too."

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Little Johnny was in school one day and his teacher was doing a vocabulary exercise.

She asked the class "Okay, can anyone give me a sentence using the word dog?" well little Johnny's hand bolts straight up in the air and she knows he has something dirty to say. she decides to call on another student who also has his hand raised. "My dog sleeps in my bed!"

"good job!" says t...

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What's between your granny's boobs that's not between your sisters'?

Her bellybutton

My Grandpa seemed distraught after losing his watch at the Nursing Home.

I said, Grandpa, what will you do.......He gave me a wink and said.....I will search every Nook and Granny

Troll Granny

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you h...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

Granny tatoos

80 year old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says "I want to get a tattoo".

The artist hesitantly replys "Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?"

Old lady: "actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right th...

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Why are granny panties better than thongs?

Because granny panties will cover your ass, but thongs are always trying to get up in your shit.

"Granny, why do you read obituaries every day?"

"Don't worry grandson. I just want to see who is single again."

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Wanna know what granny pussy taste like?

Depends.

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

Good ol Granny

I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

Good old Irish Granny....

Solicitors should never ask a County Offaly granny a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial in Tullamore recently a small-town prosecuting solicitor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Murphy, do you know m...

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GASSY GRANNY

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and ...

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A little boy runs to his grandmother, and says:

\-Granny! Grandpa fell off the ladder, because he was swearing!

\-Why, what did he say?

\-He said: "Don't shake the ladder you little shit!"

A granny walks in to a doctor's office with a toad on her head

A granny walks in to a doctor's office with a toad on her head.
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor-
"This massive wart grew out of my ass",
answers the toad

*Przyhcodzi baba do lekarza*, classic Polish joke

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English Literature Class

Professor starts the literature class. "Today's lesson is metaphors. A metaphor conceptualizes and exaggerate a big thing into a small creative image. As an example you can say 'The snow is a white blanket' instead of saying that snow is white. Can anyone say a similar metaphor ? "

"Tom Crui...

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

Little Karl was with his grandma in a supermarket

Little Karl yelled to his grandma: Granny, I need to pee!

Grandma replied: We are in a public place, don't say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.

Later, when grandma was sleeping, Little Karl went to grandmas room and woke her: Granny, I need to sing!

Gr...

What did granny say after leaving her handbag on a bus?

"Allahu Akbar!"


I'm going to hell for this.

I helped a Granny cross the road...

A father waits for his son to come home from school. The son is an hour late.

"Where were you?" asks the father.

Son: "I helped a Granny cross the road!"

Father: "I'm proud of you! Such a fine deed deserves to be rewarded - here's $5."

The next day, the father is waiting...

A dying granny...

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash".

"WoW!!" said the granddaughter 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this w...

Granny goes to the doctor's office, suffering from terrible gas.

"Doctor, it's awful, I'm paying gas all the time, but thank the Lord, they don't make any nose or smell bad."

So the doctor gave her a pill and told her to come back the next week, and when she did as he ordered, he asked how things went, and she replied "it's better, I guess... I mean, I'm p...

Time for a good old Soviet era joke

(should be read in a heavy Russian accent, any grammatical errors are here to enhance the joke)

Old granny working for years already in factory who make Samovar. But old granny only is normal worker not member of nomenclatura so never earn enough money to also buy Samovar herself. Old granny ...

Ok, here's a really bad one

This one I've herd visiting Kiev before the shutdown:

The guy walks in a brothel and asks a hostess:
- Hi, I need a girl
- Ok, it's 50$ for 1 hour
- I don't have that much, do you have anything for 10$?
- Yes, let's go outside

They go around the brothel, a hostess places a ...

A Son To His Mom

Son: Mom , Mom! Does Granny do parkour?


Mom: No , Son.


Son: Ah ,Then she fell from the balcony

Not properly prescripted

- Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials "LSD" engraved on 'em.

- F*ck them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.

The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly."

The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the ...

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Little Johnny and his dad.

One night little Johnny wakes up to hear some banging on his bedroom wall and his mom sounding like she was in pain. He jumps out of bed and runs to his parents room, opens the door to find his dad on top of his mom giving her a good seeing too.
Little Johnny is horrified and shouts at his dad,<...

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How did Helen Keller lose her virginity

Granny forgot to remove the plunger.

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There was an old lady who knew how to ride a scooter

Every day she passed the border riding on the scooter, with a bag behind the scooter. The Customs personnel - all old rascals - began to suspect the old lady.

One day, when she was on the scooter with the bag behind her, the customs officer told her to stop. The old lady stopped and then the ...

In a bus...

... a grandma looks with interest a girl that has a hieroglyphs tattoo on her neck

Gi: "Hey granny, what are you looking at?"

Gr: "At what is written on your neck, darling."

Gi: "So what? Tattoos haven't existed when you were young?"

Gr: "Babe, we had them to, but... I w...

An old lady went to a bank...

An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money...

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The tell...

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My Grocery Store Experience

5-7min read. Based on a true story.

---

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like Milk, Eggs, & Bacon. Yes, Bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck decidin...

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The Saloon NSFW

After a long night on the ranch this Ranch Hand decides to go to the saloon. When he gets there he realizes all his favorites are taking for the night so he ask the barkeep

"hey is there anyone free at the moment".

the barkeep replies

"all I got right now son is old granny". <...

Meta-meta-joke

# Joke

A joke is something funny because unpredicatable that makes people laugh, giggle or smile. This is a a joke :



>I met a shepherd, we talked about ewe.



The fact that it takes a second to realize that "we talked about ewe" sounds like the well known sente...

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A drunk Turkish guy in Berlin bar is yelling :

" We are the largest minority in Germany, no one can fuck with us ! "
And some granny turns around on her seat looking at him dead serious and says:
" There were also six million Jews ."

It's important to keep fit as you get older,

my granny started walking 5 kilometres
a day when she was 60.
Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

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Little Timmy is in bed and hears a noise

Its the week before Xmas, he gets out of bed and walks down the hallway to his parents room. He opens the door and he see's his Dad taking his Mom doggystyle. Dad notices Timmy, looks down, winks and says;

"Back to bed lad, theres a good boy"

And off Timmy goes...

A few days lat...

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Circus for adults...

In a circus, there’s an act with alligators. The trainer makes the alligator open it’s jaws. He then proceeds to drop his pants and sticks his dick between the alligators jaws. The alligator starts to slowly close it’s mouth. Just before it bites off the trainers dick, the trainer hits the alligator...

A girl is singing her favorite songs

Her grandma comes in the room and says: ,,Oh, that was you, I thought it was the radio."

Girl: ,,And you came to listen granny!? :D"

,,Naw, I wanted to turn off the radio."

Is it Muglin yet!

Once there was a granny who was travelling to Hetauda from Kathmandu in a night bus. She used to fall asleep in the bus so she asked the conductor of the bus to wake her up when the bus reached Muglin. Every five minutes she asked, “Is it Muglin yet?”. The conductor replied,”No granny, you can sleep...

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Grown-up words.

A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

>"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."

So Jamie excitedly s...

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Wendy was a prostitute.

Wendy was a prostitute and didn't want her granny to know.
One day police came across the brothel that she worked at and ordered all prostitutes to stand in a line, so that they could take their names one by one.
Suddenly, granny comes along and notices Wendy in the line which was now lead...

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Wrong queue !

This girl was a prostitute, but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
Sh...

Two electricians are up on a pole

A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:

— Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?

The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:

— Told you it was the ground.

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“You just awoke.” Grandpa asks, “Why so blue?”

I reply “It appears I sent a drunk text to five of my exes last night before I slept.”

“I know how you feel.” He goes, “I had the same sadness whenever I did that before I met your granny.”

“You texted?” I ask.

“No,” he says, “Sometimes I’d wake up Sunday morning, open the drawe...

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