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Granddad Jokes

A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...

A kid asks his Granddad for relationship advice...

"Grandpa, Jenny broke up with me today. I feel so bad, I don't know what I'm gonna do"

"Listen kid, you're gonna be alright. You're young and got plenty of time. Let me tell you about what qualities to look for in a woman to have a lasting relationship:

1) Find a woman who makes you la...

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

Granddad could tell a tale

He used to say that as a boy he had the strongest arm in the county. He said he could throw a stick so hard that it would take his dog an hour to retrieve it.


To me that always seemed far-fetched.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket.

'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'

My granddad died at exactly 3:45, and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped.

"That's amazing."

"Not really. That's when it fell on top of him."

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

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I visited my dear granddad's grave over the weekend

As I was standing at his grave, I noticed a guy crouched behind a gravestone a few graves over, reading a newspaper.

"Morning" I said as I nodded to him respectfully.

He replied "Nah, I'm not mourning, I'm taking a shit, but thanks anyway"

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

A joke my granddad once told me as a kid:

At a mental hospital there is a man and a doctor assessing his sanity.

The doctor takes out a 100 dollar bill and an apple and sets it on the table

"Mister, I want to give you something. Which of these do you want?"

The man looks at the 2 objects hard, and eventually takes the a...

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Granddad and Grandson out walking in the snow.

Granddad: God it's fucking cold out here today.

Grandson: Tell me something I don't know Granddad.

Granddad: Your Nan used to like it up the shitter.!

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One from my granddad many years ago. "Why do seals have flat dicks?"

[Do an impression of a seal while clapping your hands near your groin]

My granddad was a wise man...

...he told me that you can't find happiness all by yourself. To live a truly happy life you need to be in a fulfilling relationship. You need to find a wife that loves you unconditionally, a wife that challenges you on a daily basis, a wife that you always want to make love to and most importantly y...

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[NSFW] Granddad and Grandson are out fishing

Granddad and Grandson are out fishing. Granddad reaches into his overall bib pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
Grandson looks on and says "Granddad, can I have one?"
Granddad taken back by the question fumbles for a response and asks "we'll grandson, umm can you dick touch your ass ho...

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

A joke my granddad once told me.

I always loved this one, my granddad told it to me years ago. Still one of my favourites.



An elderly woman wakes one morning and looks out of her bedroom window. Across the road she sees two men from the local council office slowly making their way up the grassy embankment at the side...

A little girl asks her granddad

"Would you make a frog noise for me"

Why, asks the granddad confused.

The little girl replies "Dad says when you croak we are all going to Disneyland"

My granddad was surrounded by his family when he died.

Such was the manpower needed to hold the pillow over his face.

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An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."

It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."

So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.

"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessl...

My granddad says I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My granddad used to perform as a human statue.

I remember him, still.

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Old World War II political joke my granddad told me when I was a kid.

I'll try to retell it exactly as he told it to me when I was about seven or so.

>There's this intersection with a four way stop. Four cars displaying reichstag flags approach the intersection. You know, like those official flags the president's got, except they got the kraut eagle and car...

A granddad walks up to a priest to make a confession...

A granddad walks up to a priest to make a confession.


\- Dear Father, forgive me for I have sinned - I hid a jewish family in my cellar during the war.
\- But this isn't a sin, in fact you have done a god thing!
\- But father, I charged them 100 euros per week!
\- Well yo...

I remember the last thing my Granddad said before he kicked the bucket.

He said, " Watch me kick this bucket"

SFW Joke my Granddad used to tell, i was the only one who ever found it funny

A guy gets sent to prison. His first day in the yard they are told to walk in a circle, no talking allowed between the prisoners. After a few minutes somebody yells "16" and the whole yard errupts with laughter. They continue walking in circles when someone else shouts out "54" and again everybody s...

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A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his granddad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?", asked the granddad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the...

My Jamaican buddy is dating a Spanish chick. He doesn't like her granddad, Juan...

But he does like Hernando.

My granddad went to Vietnam and singlehandedly fought and injured 30 North Vietnamese.

Next year, we are vacationing somewhere else.

My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card."

He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…

I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift.

He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my granddad

Not screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus!

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I accidentally walked in on my granddad having sex with grandma.

I yelled for him to get dressed and put her back in the urn so we can have a chat.

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When my granddad was ill the doctor told us to put butter on his back

after that he went downhill very quickly

My granddad had an accident eating curry.

He slipped into a korma.

My granddad was something of a legend: he actually went down in history

and on one occasion, fingered a girl in geography.

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Fishing with granddad.

An old Irish granddad takes his little grandson fishing one day. While sitting in the boat for almost an hour, the granddad pulls out a flask of whiskey. Hey takes a few sips then proceeds to put it back into his jacket pocket. As he motions to put the flask away, the little grandson asks,
...

My granddad has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from Bristol Zoo.

My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".

I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.

I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.

It's a family hair loom.

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What colour bricks?

Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.

My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!

If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?

No...

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Grandmas cookies

Granddad and grandson are sitting on the front porch, when granddad lights up a cigar, the grandson asks if he can have one as well and the granddad says ‘can your dick touch your ass?’ The grandson says ‘no’ so granddad replies ‘there’s your answer’ granddad then has a sip of whiskey and grandson a...

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My Granddad is on a catheter......

It really takes the piss

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My grandma is divorcing my granddad because he spent their entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure.

She couldn’t take it any longer.

We put Granddad into a nursing home yesterday

I called Grandma to see how he was doing.

"Oh, dear, he's like a fish out of water!" she told me.

"Is he finding hard to adjust?" I asked.

"No, he's dead."

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I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my granddad in that concentration camp during the war.

Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...

In the family

A husband confesses to his wife that he was unfaithful 21years ago, and as a result has a son. The wife forgives him. 9month later the wife is heavily pregnant and the husband wants to introduce his son to his wife.
The wife agrees and a date is set. On the morning arranged and as the father and ...

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

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It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...

I asked my racist granddad what does he think should be illegal...

His reply, quite unsurprising, was "Youth in Asia" .

My Entire Family are Police Marksmen, Apart from my Granddad, who was a Bank Robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his family.

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"Well grandma," I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? "

She shouted, "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"

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My granddad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting, is the make-up sex...

Which probably explains his short-lived career as a boxer…

Glass eye joke

A joke from my granddad. Maybe his favorite. "A man goes to the bank to ask for a loan. He presents his case to the banker. The banker turns him down. The man ask 'Do you mind if I ask if you wear a glass right eye? The banker replies 'Yes. What made you ask that?' The man replied 'I thou...

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Just keep calm

I'm just back from Tesco’s I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.

The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . ....

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."

[Joke]It's the end of the world!

It's the end of the world, as a meteor will hit the Earth in one hour, and everyone is scrambling to shelters worldwide. However, to enter, the United States, broke even now, requires 25 cents to enter, only quarters.

Billy and his granddad are hurrying to the shelter, however, when they get ...

When my granddad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I can still remember the very first thing I said to him.

“Have you got that five grand I lent you?”

I knew my grandmother loved animals when she was younger.

She told me the story of how happy she was to have found a vet to date (Before she met my granddad of course. ) and even though he said he was from a foreign country, he looked like he was from here.

Anyway, after a few dates, she discovered, much to her disappointment, that he didn’t know an...

Supermarket joke; I think.

I went to the checkout at tescos after getting a sandwich and crisps. They young girl asked me if I wanted to go for drink! I was shocked and said:”young lady I am old enough to be your granddad”. She look at me and said:”the drink is part of the meal deal”. I had never been so embarrassed.

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10 year old boy and grandad go camping...

Boy: Granddad can I have a sip of beer?
Granddad: can your penis reach your ass?
Boy: no.
Granddad: then you'll have to wait until it does.
Boy goes to the cooler and grabs an ice cream sandwich.

Granddad: hey grandson, can I have a bite of your sandwich?
Boy: can your penis...

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I was in class.

My English teacher said "Your grammar is shit."


I replied, "Your granddad is a Cunt!"

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LONG: Border Patrol at the Ranch (Cursing)

Once, my Grandfather and I were outside working on a tractor when a Border Patrol Agent comes screaming up the road to a sliding stop right in front of the barn.

A short little man gets out and walks up to Granddad and says, "Sir. I'm Officer Carson. We've had a report that you are using ille...

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A man is sitting outside an office building having a smoke...

When another man walks out. He says to the first guy "Y'know, those'll kill ya".

The first one says, "my granddad lived to a ripe old age of 95".

"Oh really," the second one says, "and he smoked?"

"No, he didn't smoke. He knew how to mind his own fucking business."

Little Johnny skipped school one day...

and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny repli...

[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad...

The baby that could see the future

A baby is born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Granddad” and the next day the Granddad suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough t...

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One day a teacher asked the class to get a story with a moral

### One day a teacher asked the class to get a story with a moral

The next day she asks a girl what her moral was


The girl says "Every year we get our chickens and take their eggs to the market to sell them. We were going down yesterday and my dad hit a pothole and all the eggs c...

Famous french joke , long but gold

One day a little girl go to sleep and her dad leave her room after that he read her a story and she says « goodbye granddad, protect dad and mom and grandma ». Then on the morning , the grandfather dies . The dad is lost but thinks its nothing . The next night , her daughter says « goodbye grandma ,...

A joke my late grandad used to tell me

2 men, Mr. Kent and Mr. Olsen are on the roof of a 20 story building. Mr. Kent turns to Mr. Olsen and says "The great thing about this building is that they've rigged it to prevent suicides". Mr. Olsen asks how and Mr. Kent says "If anyone jumps off the roof, something in the building pulls you in t...

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Knock knock: who's there?

Granddad.

Shit stop the funeral.

"When I was your age, I invented the time machine"

I told my Granddad.

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A woman is standing in line at a grocery store...

In front of her is a granddad and his young grandson. The kid goes "I WANT THAT CANDY NOW!" as he swings his arms around. The grandfather says "James, calm down or you're gonna hit someone."

A while later the kid goes "GIVE ME THAT TOY NOW!". His grandfather says "James, just be patient."
...

My grandma was recently beaten to death..

She came in just after my granddad

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Old people love

My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.

Who's winning

Went to visit my Granddad. He was watching a basketball game.
"What's the score Gramps?"
"92 to 86."
"Who's winning?" I asked.
"92"

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Mall Security pick up a lost boy...

Mall Security pick up a lost boy at the shopping center.

The Mall cop asks, "Who were you with?"

The little boy answers, "My Granddad."

The Mall cop asks, "What's he like?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and replies, "Whisky and women with big tits."

When my grandfather passed away, we were surprised

. . . to discover a small locked box in his closet. No one in the family had ever seen it before and no one could provide any guess as to what it might contain. Curiosity eventually overtook us and we brought the box to a locksmith to be opened. Inside were some trophies, many small discs and a c...

Timbuktu

From my 80 year old Granddad:

Two finalists in a contest, One a college grad and one a high school drop out, were to write a poem in 3 minutes. The only requirement was that it ended in "Timbuktu". The college grad wrote his and told it to the judges;

Slowly across the desert sand,
...

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Grandfather, Grandmother and grandson are in the farm

Grandfather, Grandmother and grandson are in the farm. Granddad is cutting the wood with an axe and Grandson is helping Grandma to sort the harvested corn. Suddenly a strong breeze blows up the grandma’s skirt. Unfortunately, she was not wearing underwear and kid saw everything. After couple seconds...

One day, Johnny comes home from school and asks his mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

"The stork brought you here," says the mother.

"And how were my brother Joel and my sister Emily born?"

"The stork brought them, too."

"And how were you born?"

"The stork also brought me."

"Did the stork also bring Uncle George and Aunt Ruth and Cousin Evan and Cou...

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The Art of Singing

One day little Oscar went to visit his grandparents in their new home.

Soon Oscar needed to use the bathroom, so he told his grandma:
"Granny, I really need to piss!"

His gram told him: "Oscar, that's a really naughty expression! Why don't you use a nicer word... like *singing*?"...

Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the sh...

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Little Johnny is spending the weekend at his grandparents house

He is following his grandfather around. His grandfather gets on a big tractor to mow the lawn.

Fascinated, Johnny says, "Wow! Can i try to drive it?"

His granddad replies, "can the tip of your penis touch your asshole?"

Johnny, shocked, says "No..."

"Then you're not old e...

A little boy is playing in the garden

with his grandpa sitting close by and watching. The boy finds a worm sticking out of a hole, and excitedly pulls it out to show his granddad. His gramps says, "very nice. I'll give you $50 if you can get it back in the hole." The little boys eyes widen, and he runs inside to get a can of stiffen qui...

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